Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Fight - full transcript

Mike... So I'm looking
at Mandy's progress report.

If she doesn't get at least
a "B" on her term paper,

She's gonna fail History.

You know what they say.

Those who can't pass History
are doomed to repeat it.

Hmm.

There's no repeating it.

If she doesn't pass,
she won't graduate.

Oh, boy.
Yep.

Then we'd miss
the valedictorian's speech.

How will we ever find out how
Webster's defines success?



(Chuckles)

I'll give you one guess as
to why Mandy is so distracted.

Girl,
did you see chloe's tweet?

Hilarious!

Mandy, honey,
we need to talk to you.

I know. I'm gonna retweet it
and then post it to facebook,

So be sure to "like" it
and then "L.O.L." it there.
Mandy.

Mandy.
Yeah.

(Laughs) Oh, my god.

Go over there.
Tell her to hang up.

I'll videotape it,
post it on youtube.

One of her friends is bound
to see it and tweet her.

(Speaks indistinctly)

Whoa! Oh, my--aah!



Where did you guys come from?
That was like a magic trick.

You are spending way
too much time on the computer.

Oh, mom. You can't spend
too much time on a computer.
Yeah. Mm.

You're thinking
about a tanning bed.

We're taking away
all your devices

Until you get
your History grade up

Past a "B" so you'll
pass the damn class.

You--you can't take away
my devices!
(Mike) Right here.

It's how people of my generation
communicate and exchange ideas,

And totes adorbs cat pics.
(Imitates cat meowing)

The sooner you finish
your paper,

The sooner you'll get them back.

Ugh! I'm having
so many feelings right now.

But if I can't tweet about them,
am I even really having them?

Think about that.

(Door opens and closes)

Hey, Mandy,
how's it going?

I have no way of knowing.

Mommy!

Hey, sweetie.
Oh, I missed you.

Did you have fun
staying your daddy's?

Yeah, we watched cartoons
until midnight!

Oh.
Yeah.

Probably shouldn't
have given him

All that coffee ice cream
last night.

Although a big cup of it
this morning

Sure got him out of bed.

Did he at least
get his homework done?

He's in kindergarten, Kris.
And what is the big rush

To turn him into some sort
of corporate worker drone?

I'm actually morally opposed

To making a 5-year-old
do homework.

He didn't wanna do it,
huh?

No.

And you didn't wanna deal
with the tantrum,

So like everything else,
I get stuck cracking the whip,

And you get
to be "fun dad."

Well, looks like I'm getting
the tantrum after all, so...

Hey. You know, I would like
to be fun once in a while.

Yeah. It's great.
You should try it.

I gotta get to work. Mwah.

Why do I have the feeling
that when I leave,

You're gonna say,
"she's gone,"

And a big party's
gonna break out?

No more "fun dad."
I got it.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Okay, good. She's gone.

So, buddy, you remember
how I told you

I'm gonna pull you out
of school tomorrow

For the baseball game?

Opening day!

Yeah. Okay. Shh.

We're gonna have to
make that a "D.T.M."--

"Don't tell mommy."

Hey, you're the one who blabbed
about ice cream for breakfast.

(Cheering)

Nothing like playing hooky
on opening day with your sons.

Sons?

You're skipping school
to go to a baseball game.

Today you're a boy.

Hey, Boyd,

After the inning,
wave to carlos hernandez,

And he'll toss you
a ball.

And right before,
yank out a nose hair.

It'll help to have
a tear in your eye.

Hey, does looking pathetic
really get you a ball?

You kidding? Dad used to
bring me to games

Wearing an eye patch.

Till we figured out
a neck brace

Will get you a free ball
and a tour of the dugout.

Oh, here, son.

You can put your peanut shells
in this box.
(Shells rattle)

Never mind. B-Boyd,
put 'em wherever you want.

30 bucks for parking--

I might not even get up
to go to the bathroom.

(Laughs)

Well, well, if it isn't
Mike Baxter.

Mr. Outdoor man.

Hey, bill, I thought
you gave up your season tickets.

Oh, no, that's the only thing
I kept in the divorce.

No wife, no house. I'm kinda
an outdoor man myself now.

(Slaps back)

Easy. That's trademarked.

You know, I took a hit when you
pulled that mall job from me.

At least now I found out
my wife only married me

For my money!

So... Thanks for that, buddy.

Hey, bill, what do you say
we take it easy

And just enjoy the game,
huh?

Hey, little guy.

Do you know why the mascot
is a t. Rex?

'cause your grandpa
stabbed him in the back!

That makes sense,
doesn't it?

Bill, you got something to say,
say it to my face.

Well, then turn around
and bend over.

(Laughs)

I'm saying that your
grandfather's face is his butt.

He's 5 years old,

Butt jokes are
his bread and butter.

Mike, don't let him rile you up,
okay?

Hey, Boyd,
here comes carlos hernandez.

I can't find any hairs.

Okay.
Yell what I told you to.

Hey, Mr. Hernandez!

I tragically only have
two weeks to live!

(Coughs)

(Laughs)

Hey. Hey, that was
for my nephew.

Yeah. It looked like
it was going to the kid,

And then somebody just
took it away from him.

Kinda like the mall job.

Bill,
give the kid the ball.

I don't think so, Mike.

Are we gonna go there?

Sir, whatever happened
between you and Mr. Baxter,

Please don't take it out
on my kid. Come on.
(Sighs)

Got five seconds
to give him the ball.

Or what?!

Ooh!
Grandpa!

(Scoffs)

(Boyd) Mommy!

Hey, there you are.
Hey.

How was it?

(Door closes)
grandma, I got a ball.

Wow. Look at that.
Oh, that's great.

Yeah.
Ryan, why does he smell
like a brewery?

This obnoxious drunk spilled
his beer on Boyd

And then got a fistful of
"don't mess with our family."

Boo-yah! Right in the face.

Mike? Honey.
(Mike) Huh?

You hit a stranger?

No, no, no. Bill mckendree.
No?

A friend? Honey!

You don't go around
punching people.

I didn't punch him. Ryan did.

Ryan?
Ryan?

Yeah. On this day,

My fourth daughter
became a man.

Okay, you got into a fight
at a ball game?

Look, this guy
got in Boyd's face.

And I tried
to move him away,

And he shoved me,
and I had no choice.

So I punched him.

You had no choice?

Mr. Mckendree's really hit
the skids.

And then he hit the ground,

Thanks to sugar ray Vogelson
here.

Okay, you won't let Boyd
watch "Tom and Jerry"

Because it's violent,
but punching people is fine?

First off, "Tom and Jerry"
is objectionable

Because it perpetuates
cat stereotypes.

What?
What?

Look, I was right
to hit this guy.

He was out of control.

So Boyd learned that violence
is the way to settle disputes?

Oh, look, the only thing that
Boyd might have learned today

Is that if you push
his old man too far,

You're putting
your physical health

In substantial... Peril.

You're, like,
terrible at this.

Honey, why didn't you just
call security?

It happened so fast,
and sometimes the only way

To deal with a bully
is pop 'em in the nose.

Although, ideally, without
shaking your hand afterwards,

Saying,
"Ouch, ow! Owie! Owie! Ow!"

(Phone rings)

(Ring)

Is that a phone?

Yeah, it's called a landline.
(Ring)

(Gasps) I forgot
that we have that.

Dad, it's probably for me.
(Ring)

You can't talk to anybody
on the phone

Till you bring
your History grade up.

Oh! Mom, please.
I beg of you.
(Vanessa) No, no. No.

You have to tell me
where you hid my computer.

How else am I supposed
to download--

I mean, write a term paper,
huh?

Honey, the internet will
still be there when you're done,

And frat boys will still be
choking on cinnamon,

And kitties will still
"wants to has cheezburgers."

They'd better.

So you really don't see
anything wrong

With what you did today?

No. A drunk learned a lesson,
and Boyd got a ball.

And I got on the jumbotron.

Everyone got to enjoy
the game.

What's the downside?

That was the denver police
on the phone.

Ah. I bet they know
what the downside is.

(Sighs and whimpers)

Laptoppy? Where are you?

Mandy?
What?

Looking for something?

Just checking on my pie.

Nope, still not in there.
(Closes oven door)

Wow, she is really jonesing
for her phone and laptop.

Yeah, I feel sorry for her.

(Sighs) Now I want pie.

(Closes oven door)

Yeah, I knew it was a long shot.

Honey, is this police thing
serious?

I mean, should we be getting
Ryan a lawyer?

No, no, no, they called to see
if he would make an appointment

To go see him.

(Scoffs) It's not like
they're kicking the door down,

Pepper-spraying him,
and hitting him

Like he's a piñata.

You sound disappointed.

I am. You pay
the police salaries,

You expect
a certain level of service.

He didn't do
anything wrong.

He was just protecting
his family, honey.

So you're proud of him.

Damn right I'm proud of him.
You are.

Now I'm not worried
about him leaving the house

With my daughter
and my grandson,

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, well,
I don't want him to end up

Being the kind of guy that gets
into fights all the time.

This is the first time
in 23 years

The kid's made a fist.

Unless, of course, you count him
looking at his nails.

Right.

I mean, come on.
The guy--he lost control.

He didn't lose any control.
He did. He so lost control.

He set a boundary.

That's how you build
a polite society...
Mm-hmm.

Through violence.

(Singsongy) Laptoppy?

(Switch clicks)
laptoppy?

Smartphoney?

Where are you?

Yes! A computer!

Damn it.
The monitor's missing.

(Ed over radio)
ka0xtt, this is wb0asq,

Papa yankee eight.

(Radio chatter)

Hello?

Who's there?

(Static crackles)
Mike, do you read me?

(Kyle) Hey, Mr. Alzate,
this is Kyle, kd0xcs.
Kyle!

Kyle! Kyle!

Yeah, uh, where's Mike?

Uh, uh, he's not
in the office, sir.

How's the rain forest?

Were you able to use that
amazon gift card I got you?

No. Uh... That's
a different amazon, son.

Kyle, Kyle, can you hear me?
Kyle?

Tell Mike I'm really bonding
with one of the local tribes.

They just stabbed me
with a fork

Covered with frog venom.

(Static whines)
this is part
of a tribal ceremony

To make me a better hunter,
you see?

Wow, I'm suddenly...
Feeling rather weird here.

Well, either that--that venom
has--has psychedelic properties,

Or those spider monkeys
outside

Are actually--actually singing
side two of "Abbey Road."

I gotta go.

(Switch clicks)
Kyle, can you hear me? Kyle?

Wow, Mr. Alzate, when--
when you're on frog venom,

You sound just like Mandy.

Say something she would say.

(Switch clicks)
Kyle, it's me, Mandy!

(Laughs)

That's unbelievable.

(Clicks switch)
no, seriously, I-it's me.

Listen, I've been
so desperate to talk to you.

(Clicks switch)
oh, Mandy, I was worried.
I didn't hear from you.

You didn't return
any of my texts.

(Clicks switch)
I know. I'm sorry.

My parents took away
my phone and my computer.

Oh. I thought you dumped me.
I was so bummed.

My--my roommate set me up
with his sister tonight.

She's sweet, but she looks
disturbingly like my roommate

In a dress.

(Man) Be careful, Kyle.

I made that mistake once.

By the time I figured it out,

I was too revved up
to hit the brakes.

I'm sorry.
Who's talking?

Well, I'm walter.

Whiskey, four,
uniform, uniform, echo,

From lehigh acres, florida.

(Woman) Mandy, you can do better
than this Kyle fellow.

He sounds short.

(Clicks switch)
he's not short.

I am not short.

Who are you people?

(Clicks switch)
Mandy, that's how
ham radio works.

Right now there could be
hundreds of people

All over the world listening
to every word you say.

(Clicks switch)
really?

So basically,
it's exactly like twitter

But more advanced because
you don't even have to type!

(Gasps) This is the greatest
thing to ever happen to me.

(Clicks switch)

I'm really sorry,
miss clevenger,

About Boyd missing school
yesterday.

It's not just that.

Today Boyd drew these pictures
in class.

Here's Boyd smiling.

Oh.
And here's you smiling.

And here's his father beating
the crap out of someone...

And smiling.

Wow.

That is a lot of blood.

He used
the entire red crayon.

Is there anything
the school should be aware of

Involving Boyd's father?

Hi. Sorry. I rushed over here
as soon as I could.

Ah, I'd shake your hand,

But I was just getting
fingerprinted

Down at the police station,
so...

Cops, right?

Uh, Boyd drew this picture
of you hitting that guy.

That's a good likeness,
buddy.

This one's gonna go
right on the fridge.

So...
This actually happened?

Oh, yeah, well, there was
this idiot at the ball game,

So I had to straighten him out.

I mean, there wasn't
this much blood,

But, you know, kids, right?

Uh, miss clevenger
is concerned.

Oh, yeah, there's nothing
to worry about.

We, uh, we won't be hearing
from that guy anytime soon.

Mr. Vogelson,

Boyd seems to view you
as violent and scary.

What? No. That's--
that's crazy.

Boyd, come here.
Daddy needs to talk to you.

If I don't,
are you gonna punch me?

No, of course not.

I'm sorry.

Boyd, you're not scared of me.

Okay, I'm not scared
of you.

Good, then come give me a hug.

That's the best we can do.

We're, uh... Scandinavian.

I'm just gonna keep these
on file.

(Woman) And then he picked up
the check for our meal.

If he pays for dinner,
he's a winner.

(Clicks switch)
#Mandy-ism.

Oh, um, you can put that
out there on the ham-isphere.

Feel free to re-ham that one.
(Clicks switch)

Then after dinner,
we took a lovely stroll

Through the cemetery,

And we made out
on his wife's grave.

(Elderly man) Does that count
as a threesome?

(Laughs) LOL.
Is that right, Mandy?

Lol?

Uh, wow, Mandy,
this is really... Fun.

Uh...

But I was wondering when
I could see you in private.

After she finishes
her History paper, Kyle.

(Clicks switch)
guys, I'm seriously never
going to finish this paper.

I know nothing
about world war ii.
(Clicks switch)

(Walter) I know a little bit.
I was on the beach in omaha.

(Clicks switch)
that's great, walter,
but my paper's on the war,

Not on your nebraska vacation.

(Clicks switch)

(Elderly woman) I remember
the war like it was yesterday.

In fact, a lot better
than yesterday.

I'm in the early stages
of dementia.

I might be able to help you
with your paper, too, Mandy.

Really, Mr. Alzate?
(Birds calling)

Yeah, I met a fellow down here
in brazil

With lots of
fantastic war stories.

He's 92, bitter,
and speaks with a german accent.

You do the math.

Hey.
Hey!

Hey! Hi, sweetie. Mwah.

(Door closes)

Ryan, things getting
any better with Boyd?

No. He's still terrified
of me.
(Vanessa) Aw.

It's just gonna take
some time, okay?

He'll get over it.
(Pats shoulder)

I'm sorry, Ryan.

Don't be sorry.

He's got Boyd
right where he wants him.

No, he doesn't.

Honey, parents want love
and trust from their children,

Not fear.

Ah, I kinda want it all.

Mike, I don't want Boyd
to obey me

Because he's scared of me.

I should never have hit
mckendree.

Let's not go crazy here.
You finally grew a pair.

Punching that guy was

The coolest thing
you've ever done.

You know, admittedly,
you've set the bar kinda low.

No, don't listen to him,
Ryan.

It takes a big man
to admit he's wrong.

Takes a big man
to hit a bigger man.

No, I'm gonna take Boyd
to the next game,

And he can see me
apologize to mckendree.

Good.

Boy,
as soon as they drop,

They scurry right back up
inside him.

Boyd, turn off the cartoons
and go wash up for dinner.

(Cartoon playing on TV)
I don't want to.

Boyd, listen to your mom.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

(Footsteps depart rapidly)

Now what parent
wouldn't want that?

Huh? I should deck somebody
in front of Mandy.

Honey, you'll be
the fun parent again soon, okay?

I promise.

(Sighs)

Hey, Boyd,
can I give you a hand there?

Thanks, grandpa.

Use a little more hot water.

It's so cold, huh?
Lather up a little bit.

Why do I have to wash
my hands so much?

Why do you have to
pick your nose so much?

(Chuckles)

Soap protects your hands
from germs,

Like your dad protects you
from everything else.

My dad can be
pretty scary.

Your dad's not scary.

His left wing policies--
they're scary.

But that's just 'cause
he's a foot soldier

For george soros.

(Turns off faucet)

I don't understand that.

I don't either.

Listen, the reason

Your dad hit that bad guy
at the baseball game

Is he just didn't want
that bad guy to hurt you.

That's what
that was all about.

So he only hits
bad people?

He only hurts bad people
when they might be hurting you.

Your dad is a really nice man.
He would never hurt you.

You know what I would do?
I would go down and hug my dad

And say, "I love you
for taking care of me."

Okay.

Yeah. You're a good kid, Boyd.
You really are.

Thanks, grandpa.

You know what?
You kinda gotta be a good kid.

'cause you know what
your dad's capable of.

(Organ playing)
here we go, people.

He's back, and he could go off
at any minute.

(Crowd cheering)

Okay. Okay, okay.

Regarding the incident
that happened last game,

Frankly, it's disappointing
that so many of you

Found that entertaining.

(Chanting) Killer...

(Crowd joins in chanting)
killer! Killer! Killer!

Okay, could you please
just knock it off?

(Crowd) Ooh!

Sorry.

Just trying to my son
a lesson.

Well, it won't be the first time
you taught someone a lesson

Around here, right? Huh?

(Cheering)

Hey! Look who it is!
It's Mike Baxter and his goon!

(Slurring)
nice sucker punch, goon.

Great. He's drunk again.

Great.
He's drunk again.

(Normal voice)
oh, no, guys, guys.

I-I was just messing
with you.

I have not had a drink
since opening day.

Mike, ah, I owe you and your
whole family an apology.

I am so sorry.

I-I hope you can
forgive me.

You gonna take
this crap from him?
Shh.

Yeah, and I'm gonna drop
the assault charges.

Well, thank you, Mr. McKendree,
but honestly,

I'm the one who should be
apologizing to you.

Why? I was a huge jerk.

But I still shouldn't
have hit you.

That was not the right thing
to do.

Are you kidding me?

You knocked me sober.
I owe you, man.

I should have handled it
more peacefully.

You handled it exactly right.
Will you please just let me
apologize?!

(Crowd) Ooh.
Okay, okay.

Sorry. I'm just trying
to teach my son something.

You taught your son
a great lesson.

Boyd, if you hit
somebody hard enough,

They turn
into a better person.

That's not the lesson, Mike.

Hey.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

There's that temper, folks.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Eve. Eve...

(Crowd chanting) Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Okay, okay, okay. Boyd, come on.
We're outta here.

No, no. Come on, come on.

Stay. Stay.
No.

Enjoy the game.
Sorry to disappoint
all of you.

There'll be no punching,
you bloodthirsty...

Jackals!
(Smack)

(Crowd gasps and murmurs)

(Cheering)

Hold on a minute.

Let me see if I can't get
that appointment

With the police station.

Mandy, honey, this paper
you wrote is really good.

All these personal accounts

Of people who lived
through the war.
Mm-hmm.

You know, I especially like
this guy walter

Who landed
on omaha beach.

Which is in France,
not nebraska,

As many people
mistakenly believe.

Okay. See how much easier
it is to focus

When you're not wasting
all your time

Chatting with your friends?

Yeah, mom, that's exactly
what I learned

From this entire experience.
(Laughs)

Here. I will get
your computer,

And you can type this up.

Oh, no, that's okay.
I actually already typed it up

On that keyboard
I found in the basement.

So... Just waiting
for it to print.

It's taking forever,
though.