Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Private Coach - full transcript

Mike hires a soccer coach to help Eve improve her game so she has a better chance at a college scholarship. The coach is extremely attractive and all the woman swoon over him. Mandy wants Kyle to be jealous that she lusts after another man.

Gosh, their goalie
got lucky, dad.

Yeah, the goalie was lucky you
kept kicking it right to her.

I think the last time
you kicked to her,

She just went, "Hey, thanks!"
(Vanessa sighs)

Will you two please
stop arguing?

And what about the girl
that stole the ball from you?

Why is she still walking?
(Door closes)

"Great game, honey."
"Hey, thanks, dad."

It's called being nice,
damn it!

Listen, you're playing
at a high school level.

You gotta punch up
your game a little bit.



Okay. If you think you can
do so much better,

Then why don't you just
dress up like a teenage girl

And join the team?

If I took the trouble to
dress up like a teenage girl,

I'm goin' out!
(Snapping fingers)

You shot some video
of that game.
I did. Yeah.

Would you hook up
the TV, please?
Okay.

I want to see that last
penalty kick.

(Sighs)
Really sorry
I missed the game.

(Groans) Why couldn't Eve
have been a total klutz

Like you and Mandy?

I like to think we all
have our own strengths.

You know, like for instance,

Mandy has her keen
fashion sense,



And I...am fertile.

(Clicking)
I just hate how people
get so upset

About soccer around here.

Oh, no, the game of football
stirs up a lot of passion.

My father used to put a lot
of pressure on me when I played.

I spit on his grave.

But I'm sure Eve won't hold it
against Mr. Mike.

Okay.

(Indistinct shouting)

(Foreign accent)
Nice! Nice! Good job!

Who is that?

That is the new
assistant coach, Octavio.

He's kind of a babe.
Yeah.

Mom?
Hmm?

Not that I'm complaining,
but, um...

(Clicks tongue)
did you get anything

Besides this guy
in his shorts?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Uh...

(Exhales)
God, no, that's--that's
pretty--pretty much it.

Yeah.

Hey, did you cue that up, honey?
Where's the game?

Uh, honey, you know what?

Uh, uh, I think something's
wrong with my phone.
What?

I-it came out all grainy.
It was grainy, right, girls?
Yeah.

Grainy.
Oh, very grainy.
Nothing to see.

Nothing but grainy,
grainy, grainy.

Okay. He gets it, Blanca.
It's grainy.

Honey, what's the matter
with your phone?

I don't know, Mike.
I'm not a scientist.

You have a PhD in Geology.
You in fact are a scientist.

You know what? I just--
I wish you'd let up on Eve.
I know.

Yeah.
She can play
better than that, you know?

She's just not listening
to me anymore.

Maybe you shouldn't be
her coach anymore.

What about that
new assistant coach?

That, uh, uh, um, um...
Oktoberfest, or, uh...

Young guy.
Octavio?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He seems nice.
Why?

He does private coaching.
I could hire him to coach Eve,

And he'll come
right to the house.

Uh... Gonna have--
have to think about that.

You think it's a bad idea?

I just want to think
about it, Mike.

Think about it.
That's all.

If he was able to teach her
anything, you know...
(Sighs)

She might get a scholarship.

She gets a scholarship,
y-you know, I, uh...
(Door opens)

I could get a boat.

(Chuckles) All right, well,
if a private coach

Means less of you two arguing,
then--then I'm all for it.

Perfect.
I'll give him a call.

I guess he does it
for a lot of the girls.

Does it
for a lot of the moms, too.

(Sighs) I've been
teaching Eve up till now.

You know, I played football
in high school.

The other football--the kind
people really care about.

Oh, yeah. Except
for the 6 billion people

Who don't live in America.

We're losing daylight, ladies.

Can we just kick some balls?
Please?

His name's Octavio?

The other moms
call him "The Big O."

You know why?

Yeah. Yeah.

But I would love to have
my mother explain it to me.

Hey, what does he charge
per hour,

And does it have to involve
soccer?

My dad and I usually
warm up with some stretching.

Or we can start with...
Juggling.

Or some close-up magic
and ventriloquism.

Uh, juggling,
l-like this.

Uh, I know what juggling is,
but we gotta stretch.

You gotta...

Well, that'll come in handy

If she ever wants to be
a trained seal.

Blanca, I thought you
were cleaning the upstairs.

It's clean enough.

Ah, I wish dad would
get out of the way.
Hmm.

I wish dad would turn
into a white horse,

And then the backyard
would turn into a beach...

And I was just an innocent
native girl collecting shells.

In a white cotton dress
that billows

In every warm breeze,

And then things get nasty.

Kyle.

No, he's not there.

Hi, Mandy.
Hi, everybody.

(Gasps and chuckles nervously)

How long have you been
standing there?

Since right before
things got nasty.

Hey! So, what are you doin'?

Okay, so I was
at the car wash...
(Sighs) Mm-hmm.

And I found this little,
tiny license plate

With your name on it.

Aw!
I've never seen anything
like that.

I got this one for me.

That says "Karl."

Yeah.
They didn't have "Kyle."

But I'll know.

All right.
I better go.

Okay, wait. Um...

Are you mad?

Sort of.

I mean,
Kyle's a pretty common name.

No. I mean, like,
aren't you a little mad

That you caught me
staring out the window,

Drooling over
a gorgeous guy?

God, Mandy.
That's your father.

No! Oh, my god!
The other guy!

Oh! (Chuckles)
Yeah, the guy in the shorts.

That adds up.

All right. I better go.

If I'm late, Mr. Alzate
makes me clean out

The filter
in the outdoor trout pond,

And then for the rest of the day
my hands are all trouty.

S...

Huh. He doesn't mind.
(Door opens)

Mm. What a nice guy.

What a jerk! He catches me
lusting after a hot guy,

He's all, like,
chill about it?

Why isn't he furious?

Mm, Kyle was never the jealous
type when we were dating.

Once, a guy slipped me
his number.

He and Kyle still talk.

You know, your father
used to be insanely jealous.

If a man said I was beautiful,
he'd yell, "No, she's not!"

(Laughs)

My boyfriend likes me
to look at other men

And get all worked up.
(Laughs)

It's a time-saver for him.

He's gonna be very happy
tonight.

Good job!

Way to pick the corner.

I-if I may make
a suggestion?

Oh, yes. I'm glad
you're not out of them.

Or we could just let
the guy who played soccer

All his life do his job.

That may, in fact,
be the problem.

All he knows is soccer.

Sometimes to really
understand something,

You need a fishing analogy.

Uh, Mr. Baxter,

I know you've been coaching
Eve for a long time--

Yeah. When I started with her,
she couldn't even walk.

Yeah. But maybe if you
let me take it from here.

You're not kicking me
out of my own yard, are you?

No, of course not.

Eve, let's finish
this lesson at the field.

Sorry, dad.

Mr. Baxter, could you
toss me that ball?

Oh, sure.

(Scoffs) Not supposed to
use your hands.

I'm surprised
you didn't know that.

(Sighs)

Wow! Who's that tall, cute guy
in the sexy hip waders?

(Laughs) That's just a display.

(Singsongy) I was actually
talking about you, Kyle.

(Both laugh)

(Normal voice)
Hey, listen. I--

I just came by to apologize
about that thing--

Me and Eve's soccer coach.
That was wrong.

Yeah, don't worry.
(Chuckles) Didn't bother me.

Yeah, I know.
(Water splashing)

'cause you keep saying that,
but I want it to.

Um, I mean, come on.

I was, like, fantasizing
about another guy.

Yeah, but, Mandy,
we all have fantasies.

You know, sometimes I like
to imagine myself

Stretched out
on this king-size bed

With some cold peach iced tea
and a bologna sandwich...

With mustard. No. Mayo.

You know what? Both.
It's my fantasy.

Or maybe the reason

That you're not jealous
is because

You don't really care
about losing me.

I would hate losing you.

But...

If you and Octavio really
wanted to be together, then...

I wouldn't want to stay
in your way.

I want you two to be happy.

I...I don't want
to be happy.

I just want you
to be jealous.

I'm sorry.

I don't want you to be sorry.
I just want you to be jealous!

I apologize.
Oh, my god, that is the same
thing as being sorry!

Why can't you just be jealous?!
Will you just
calm down, Kristin?

Did you just call me
"Kristin"?

I don't know.

It makes sense, though.
I used to date a Kristin.

Kyle, you just called me

The name
of a former girlfriend...

Who's my sister.

Not cool.

How would you feel
if I called you Brandon,

Or Travis or Tyler
or Greg or Ashton...
(Stammers)

Or the other Ashton?

Actually, I wouldn't mind
being called "Tyler."

I'd wear fancy clothes
and, you know,

Give everyone finger guns--
"Hey!" (Chuckles)

Oh, my god, I hate
fighting with somebody

Who won't fight back!

Now I've gotta go be mad
for the both of us!

(Sighs)

Come on, bologna,
take me away.

(Door opens)

Oh, hey, Blanca.
Hey.

You know, you don't have
to cook. You can go home.

Oh, but Mr. Mike asked me
to stay and make dinner.

Oh, he must have forgotten
that I was gonna make dinner.

Yes, that must be why.
He forgot.

(Clicking)
Mike, what--
what are you doing?

Looking for Eve's game
on your phone.

Yeah--no, honey, I-I told you
it didn't come out.

It--it--
I know, it was grainy,
but you got something here.

Did you hear what Octopi
told the coach?
Mnh.

He told Eve's coach that she's
supposed to play defense.

You know what that means?
Defense?

It's de thing that goes
around de house?

(Mouths words)

Not everything is a joke,
honey.
(Mutters)

She's gotta play forward.
She's gotta score some goals.
(Sighs)

And I'm looking for where
she did that penalty shot.

It's in here somewhere.
(Applause on TV)

There, there, there.
Look here. Look here.

Yeah.
See, watch her go around.

Look at how she does--
(Sighs)

(Applause continues)
What are we--
What are we doing?

Why are we looking
at this guy's butt?

Move around--it--
yeah, you know, it's--
it's Octavio.

He just--he just kept getting
in front of me as I--

Why are you zooming in
on his ass?

I don't know, honey.
I'm not a scientist.
Just--just--

I'm gonna fast-forward
past this--

There we go. Right here.
Watch her score here.

She shoots it over
to that Janice girl, right?

She centers it up, she shoot--
watch this, watch this.

Get a penalty--you gotta
shoot over this way.

Shoot over--
it's a perfect kick, score!

(Cheering)

And thank god
this strange european guy--

He got it all.
Look at this.

(Knock on door)
What is this?

Uh, you know what, honey?
I don't know.

I'm sorry.
I got distracted.

I-I don't think
you were distracted.

You were spot-on, honey.
You really zeroed in.

Oh. (Chuckles) Octavio.

Uh, come in, come in.

Uh, gosh, I wish I'd known
you were coming. I--

Yeah, she would have made
herself 20 years younger.

I've come to get Eve
for our practice.

Why does she need to practice
to stand around on defense

And watch other people
score?

Oh, she told you I want
to move her to defense.

Well, you know, in soccer,

Every position is
equally important.

Oh, stop with your european
socialist hoo-hah!

This is America.
We celebrate superstars.

We want her to be Huey Lewis,
not The News.

Well, I'm sorry, but she'll
never be Huey Lewis.

Oh, no, wait. No, no, no.
Wait a minute. Wait--yeah.

Eve has always been
really good, so--

And we think scholarship,
maybe the Olympics.

Okay, let me put this in terms
you can understand.

If soccer was fishing,

Eve would not be good
at...fishing.

I'm afraid there are
no scholarships for her.

So what I'm saying is...
(Sighs)

Let her play for the joy.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're Baxters.

We don't do anything
for the joy.

Well, I'm sorry to say,
that's true.

We bust our ass around here
to be the best at things.
Yeah.

And clearly if you don't think
that she has the skill set

To do that, I'm just gonna
get another coach.

But--
I think it's best.

Okay. Well, I'm sad
to hear that, but...

Okay.

Please tell Eve I enjoyed
our private lessons

And I'll see her
at the game.

Uh, you'll see me
at the game, too, Octavio.

Uh, I'll--I'll be there
Saturday. Just...

You know, if you were
20 years younger,

You could just
chase him down.

Oh, shut up.

Maybe Octavio is right.
Huh?

Maybe it isn't such
a good idea to push Eve.

It's always a good idea
to push.

You know who didn't
get pushed?

Who? (Sighs)
(Switch clicks)

Exactly.
You never heard of 'em. Why?

Because they didn't
get pushed.

(Scoffs) You know what?

I'm just trying to be
realistic.

I don't want Eve
to get her heart broken.

I am being realistic.

I'm gonna be
the proud parent

Watching her in the Olympics
playing soccer there,

Probably sitting by myself
with an empty seat next to me.

Come on. Who are we kidding?
It's women's soccer.

There's gonna be
a lot of empty seats.

Look, I just don't want her

To have unrealistic
expectations.
(Sighs)

I mean, n-not everybody
can be a rock star

Or a supermodel
or...a geologist.

Because, I mean, hey,
we're rock stars, too.

(Speaks indistinctly)
It's not funny on your
license plate bracket,

And it's not funny
right now.

What are you gonna tell Eve
when she asks

Why you fired him?

Eve's tough.
She'll get over it.
(Sighs)

She's a Baxter. We don't care
what people think about us.

Yeah, which you prove
every morning

When you go out to get
the newspaper in your underwear.
(Switch clicks)

Or, as Mrs. Green, our neighbor,
refers to it as,

The best two minutes
of her day.

(Switch clicks)

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

You know, everybody's life
has failures,

But the test of your character

Is how you respond
to those failures.

When life knocks you down,
you don't lie on the canvas

Crying and overeating like
Al Gore after the 2000 election.

(Laughs) Boy, he blew up
like the Hindenburg, didn't he?

Look, you gotta get up
and start swinging.

Michael Jordan got cut
as a sophomore

From his high school
varsity team.

Don't know
if you're aware of this,

But that wasn't the last time
he ever played basketball.

J.K. Rowling had
"Harry Potter" turned down

By a dozen publishers.

Did she quidditch?

Not on your life-itch.

Abraham--old Honest Abe--

Had a long string
of political losses.

But did he ever give up?
No, he did not.

He did get shot, however.

Oh, great!

I guess I don't need to see
that movie now.

You gotta--
pau-pause it for a second.

Pause it. All right.
I need an end to this.

Like, "Winning is everything"
sounds stupid. Uh...

Oh, how about, um...

How about "Never give up.
Never surrender"?

I like it.

Never give up.

Never surrender.

Those are some wise words,
Mr. B.

You know, uh, Mandy and I
have been going through

Kind of a hard time.

But I think
I'll take your advice

And not give up
on our relationship.

Well...

I think that does give me
an idea for tomorrow's vlog.

"How to bury a young man
in your basement."

(Door opens)

Uh, oh, Kyle.
You're looking for me?

Yeah. Mr. Alzate, um...
Yeah?

I'm having some...
Lady problems.

What, like cramps?

Uh, no.

Mandy and I are having
some romantic problems.

You said we could talk.

Oh, yeah. Fire away.
Go ahead.

Not in here. Please.

He's uncomfortable
with conversations

About his daughters
and their lovers.

Come on.

Okay. Okay. Go ahead.

So, Mandy and I were
in the middle

Of a very passionate
moment yesterday--

Hey! Guys, I can still
hear you.

(Door slams)

This is real life, Mike.
You can't ignore it.

Now, come on...

Anyway, in the middle,
I got confused...
Uh-huh.

And accidentally called
Mandy "Kristin."

Oh... No. Ouch.
That's a bad move, son. No.

You see, when a man
is in the throes of intimacy

With a woman, you've got
a lot on your mind, right?

It's best to stick
with nonspecific names.

All right. Such as, uh,
"You're so beautiful, honey."

"That feels wonderful,
darling." Huh?

"You keep doing that,
I'm gonna have to buy you

A condominium, princess."

You see?

Okay, but, um, we weren't
in any throes.
Hmm.

Uh, we were having a fight.

Well, the same applies
to fighting.

Yeah, yeah,
"Calm down, honey."

Uh, "That gun might be
loaded, darling."

Yeah.

"That naked woman
in the shower with me?

That's my plumber, princess."

(Speaks indistinctly)

That's good advice.

I really don't like
fighting.
Mm-hmm.

You know, if Mandy and I
pull through this one,

Never having another one.

Solid plan.

Dad?

Hey. What's--what's going on?
I just got a text from Octavio

Saying that he's not gonna
give me private lessons anymore.

Yeah, that's because he's
a European surrender monkey.

He said that you fired him.

He didn't put up
that much of a fight.

Well, why would you do that?
I was really learning a lot.

Because I want somebody
in your corner

That believes in you.

What do you mean?

H-he... (Sighs)

He didn't think
that you have what it takes

To get a scholarship
playing soccer.

He said that?

He also said you were
no good at fishing.

Listen, Eve.
No, hold on a second.

Honey, this is what
I was afraid of.

See, now she's crushed.

Well, she's gonna have
to toughen up.
(Sighs)

Listen, just because Oxymoron
doesn't give her a gold star--
(Sighs) It's Octavio!

We both know who we're
talking about.

Well, maybe now
she can play soccer

Just for the sheer joy
of it.

"Joy of it"?
Yeah.

Screw that! I don't do anything
for joy around here.

I'm a Baxter. Come on, dad,
drive me to the field.

Wait, wait, wait.
Eve, honey,

Are you not upset
about what Octavio said?

Well, yeah, I'm really upset.

That's why dad and I are gonna
go practice some penalty kicks.

Gonna show that euro-dork
what's up.

That's what I'm talking about.
(Door opens)

That's Michael Jordan
right there.

That's no Al Gore.
(Laughs)

I am proud of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now let's move it, old-timer.
You want a boat or not?

I'm getting a boat.
Mm.

Thank you.

He just left me 5 bucks
on a $10 tab.

Yep. I get it.
Mm.

Men love you, Kristin.

(Clicks tongue)
Can't forget you, Kristin.

Constantly calling out
your name--

"Kristin, Kristin, Kristin!"

Well, I do wear
a name tag, so...

Did I do something to you?

No.
Are you sure?

Yes.
Eh...

It's nothing.

What?

(Clattering)
The other day... (Sighs)

Kyle and I were, like,
really going at it,

And he called me "Kristin."

Really?

Yes.

Whoa. (Sighs nervously)

This is kind of
an awkward sister moment.

Yeah.

Kind of a "Uay, me" moment...

(Chuckles) But still awkward.

Well, it made me feel
awful, so...

Well, it shouldn't. What Kyle
did is only natural, okay?

You know, he and I had
some pretty intimate moments.

Wait. (Imitates retching)
Stop. No. No.

We--we were fighting.

What?
Yeah.

Like, really going at it.
Like, "rrr!"

I was screaming at him,

And he was all,
"Calm down, Kristin."

Oh. Wait a minute.
So, you were screaming at him,

And he immediately
pictures me?

So?

So, that's not exactly
flattering to me.

Oh, my god, of course!

That makes so much
more sense! Yeah.

'cause... (Chuckles)

Like, I was being a real bitch,
so naturally he thought of you.

Glad to help.

Come on, Kris,
you gotta admit, you could be

Pretty hard on Kyle
when you guys were dating.

Yeah, I guess I was.

Especially when he would say
something dumb, which...

Doesn't bother you,
because you're...

Compatible.

Thank you.

Hey...Honey.
Aw.

(Coins clatter)

I came to apologize again...

Princess.

No, listen, Kyle.

I'm the one who should be
apologizing.

Looking at Octavio like that
wasn't very respectful.

He's probably used to it.

He's gorgeous.

No, I meant not respectful
of you

And our relationship.

So I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

Would you please just accept
my damn apology?

Apology accepted, Kris...

Uh, princess.

(Giggles)

Ooh, while you're at it,

You might want to throw
an apology Kristin's way.

Why?
(Dish clatters)

So, I'm bitchy, huh?