Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - House Rules - full transcript

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Wow.

- That smells great!
- Mmm!

Hey, soccer champ.
What do you say we go outside

and throw an American football
around a little before dinner?

Nope.

Nope?

Look, can't I just enjoy my paper?

Hoo-hoo!

What's wrong with princess Leia?

You know that aisle
you avoid in the drugstore?



Wow.

That's a-- that's a big day, huh?

Big change, huh?

Don't have to be awkward
talking to me about it.

You know, I've had a lot of
conversations with your sisters.

Get out.

Good talk.

I am so psyched!

Mom, Travis and I just booked tickets

to the new Cirque Du Soleil
show, "Plinq."

Plink?

Yeah. With a "q."

The entire stage is a piano

played by French-Canadian clowns--



oh, pardon. I mean cloons.

Wow. Did I hear "clowns,"
"pianos," and "Canadians"?

Yeah. That's like the hat
trick of misery right there.

Hey, dad?

Are you sure you don't mind
watching Boyd tonight?

No. I love Boyd. Come here.

Grandpa just wants to hold on
to you for just a second.

Honey, here you go.

I have a date with Kyle.

Ah, good old reliable Kyle.
Can you be in by 12:00, please?

I will not be in by 12:00.
I am 20 years old.

Do you pay rent?

- No.
- Do you live under my roof?

- Yes.
- You'll be in by 12:00.

Ugh!

Will you just leave me
the sports section?

Go away.

Can you fix this?

Last Man Standing - S01E08
House Rules

Original air date
November 22, 2011

- Kyle, what are you
doing here? - What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

This is not
gonna look good.

No, look, don't panic.
We didn't do anything.

Still, I'm a little
gun-shy around your dad.

Literally.

He has a lot of guns.

Keep your voice down. We will
sneak you down the stairs.

- Okay.
- Kris, are you up?

Crap! Quick!
Hide in the closet!

Kristin?

No. No! No...

Or do that.

Hey, Kris.
Hey, dad.

Everything all right?
Yeah.

I just wanted to let you know

that Boyd was just a gem last night.

Oh, great. Thanks.
What'd you guys do?

Uh, well...
It's freezing in here, honey.

Well, we ate a little bit,

read some fishing magazines,
had some scotch.

Ha! You or him?

The point is,
he was out like a light.

Say, Kyle didn't spend
the night, did he?

What?
Why would you say that?

Because he's limping
across the damn lawn.

I don't--I don't think that's him.

Run, Kyle!

Looks like we had an unwanted
visitor in the house last night.

Oh, honey, Eve is 13.
It's just simple biology.

Ew. I'm not talking about that.

Kyle spent the night.

Does he want breakfast?

Breakfast?

Last time I saw him, he was
limping across the front lawn.

Oh, okay. All right.
Just calm down.

Why don't you calm up?

You know what my parents
would have done to me

if they caught me
with a girl in the house?

They would have escorted her
out, shut the blinds,

and pistol-whipped me.

Oh, all right. Well,
let's call that plan "b."

Well, we've got to do something!

Stop. Just stop.
You can't control the world.

From the mailbox
to my barbecue grill,

- this is my domain. I can control this
world. - All right, all right. Look. Look.

- I realize as a man, your instinct is to
take action. - This isn't about being a man.

- Why do you bring this-- it has nothing about a--
- Yes, it is.

- We have teenage daughters!
- One daughter in particular has a guy in her room!

Listen to me--pretend
you're on a bomb squad.

You gotta tread very lightly,

or else you know
what's gonna happen? Kaboom!

- That's not the right analogy.
- Yes, that is the right analogy.

Bomb squads don't work like that.

They get a safe zone,
then they get some protection,

they go in there and they try
to detonate the damn thing.

Oh, really? Really?

That's the way
you're gonna deal with this?

Yes, I'm gonna go find a mattress,

some goggles, get a stick, start
poking people with something!

Whatcha doing, Kyle?

Just unloading these
multi-channel walkie-talkies.

Mm-hmm.

That's quite a limp
you have there, son.

It's nothing.
I just sort of fell.

Out a window.

Onto a garden gnome.

Ouch.

Well, every limp has a story.
What's yours?

Can you keep a secret?

You know Denise in shipping?

What about her?

Exactly.

Anyway...

I, uh, I went out with
Mike's daughter last night,

and I sort of stayed over.

Oh-ho. I see.

Does Mike know?

I'm not sure.

Hey, Kyle!

He knows.

Is Kyle down there?

If you see him down there,
send him up here!

Hey, Ed.
Hmm?

Where's Kyle?

He was here a moment ago. I...

Ed. Is Mike there?

He's standing
right next to you, isn't he?

Over.

Where are you? Over.

Nothing happened, sir.
We were just talking.

It was her idea. Over.

Kyle, listen to me.
I'm gonna hold your arms back,

and Mike's gonna
punch you in the face.

That's street rules.

Then it'll be over. Over.

Uh... I don't want to be
punched in the face.

Out.

This isn't over.
Over.

I'm gonna fire that kid.

You can't fire somebody
because he follows his heart.

- Come on now.
- What are you talking about?

You had daughters.

Did they ever have guys
over for the night?

We were just talking, sir.

Shut up, Kyle.
Over.

No, no, no.
Absolutely not.

- I set boundaries. I called them "the Ed commandments."
- "Ed commandments."

And the number one commandment

was no shenanigans
under my roof. That's it.

I so get that.

I mean, nobody wants to think
of their little angel

playing human wheelbarrow
with some monster.

God sakes, Ed!

Okay.

Look, the point is you gotta
lay down some ground rules

so the inmates don't forget
who the warden is.

You still mad at me?

No, I'm not still mad at you.

Where are you?

Loading dock. Over.

Sucker.

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Hey, guys, guard yourself.

It's that time of the month.

That's right.
It comes once a month.

No big surprise to men.
But women?

They're always surprised
once a month.

How can they forget something
that happens once a month?

We remind them, they get mad.
That's right,

it's the Outdoor Man ammo sale.

What did you think
I was talking about?

You little devils.

It's all about being out of
control with stuff, isn't it?

The weather--we sell so much
stuff around here

to control the weather--
G.P.S., weather stations,

rain gear, tents that light up.

What do you end up doing

to protect yourself
against the weather?

You dress in layers.

Just like
some primitive guy, huh?

You can't control anything!

Gophers-- we have gopher traps here.

Ever try to trap a gopher?
You better like holes!

They're just popping up,
going...

You're in control of nothing!
Nothing!

I tried to keep a big buck
out of my house

'cause I got does
walking around, right?

I go up there, the buck's
jumping out the window

because he looks at a bear!

Can I control it? No.

You can't control diddly-squat!
Nothing!

You think you can control something?

You probably still think
grandpa's got your nose.

I digress.

That ammo sale is on.

One month only. Period.

You're staring at it, aren't you?

What?

The pimple I got
from my stupid girl period.

I-I don't see any pimple.

You're a filthy liar!

You know what? That's it.

It's time for two
of mommy's special pills

and a chocolate milk.

All right, ladies.

Family meeting.
He couch, okay?

Oh, no. Why is he using
his creepy calm voice?

Beats me. He's your father.
I just married him.

Gonna have a family meeting
on the couch.

Dad, what's going on?

I know what you're all thinking--

it's been a while since
we've had a family meeting.

- Or ever.
- Or ever.

But it's come to my attention

that there's some things
that have gone a little loose,

and I wanna establish some rules.

- Rules--I--what? You didn't talk
to me about rules... - Bear with me.

Just let me do this. You and I
will talk about it.

- Just give me a minute.
Listen to what I have to say. - All right.

Rule number one...
My computer is my computer.

When I come home,
I don't wanna see shoes on there

or gossip columns
or cats dressed like old people.

All right. Stop it.
Stop it.

Ugh. Rule number two--

I don't know what it is
about here in Brassiere-ville,

but what is it about hanging
bras in the bathroom

like Christmas ornaments?

Is there some rule
against washing them

where everybody else washes
their stuff?

I don't hang my underwear
in the bathroom.

That would be terrifying.

And bras are not acceptable tops.

A sports bra is still a bra.

And because of your history grades,

I'm gonna move your curfew
back to 10:00.

- Whoa. Starting when?
- Starting now.

No, no, no! But me and Travis
have tickets to "Plinq"!

"Travis and i."

You're going with Travis?

Nobody's going with Travis.

So I'm going to be "Plinq"-less?
But what about the cloons?

Mike, what-- what are you doing?

Listen,
when I finish what I'm doing,

you'll know what I'm doing,

then I'll explain
what I'm doing, all right?

All right, the last rule's not
pointed at anyone in particular,

but I don't want any...
Shenanigans in this house.

Uh, what?

What's shenanigans?

Sex. Doing it.

Hey.
Gross.

This is all your fault, Kristin.

You've ruined everything
for me and Eve.

Whoa. Leave me out of it.

I don't want to have shenanigans.

Wouldn't worry about it, honey,

with that giant zit on your face?

- Mom! Mom!
- Mike...

You know, I'm a grown woman.
You can't tell me what to do.

- You live under my roof?
- Yes.

- Do you pay rent already?
- No, dad, I don't pay rent!

Then I have every right
to tell you what to do

- in my house!
- You know, I'm getting a little tired

of hearing about
the roof and the rent.

And I'm getting a little tired
of images of you and Kyle

in a wheelbarrow digging up turnips!

Oh, my God!

- Mike!
- Turnips?

Dad, nothing happened.

I don't believe you.

You--that's it!
I'm moving out!

You're not moving out.

Ho-ho!
You don't believe me, do you?

- No, I don't. - Mike, Mike, Mike,
tell her she's not moving out.

- I just told her.
- Well, tell her better.

And kaboom.

Wow.

Wow.
What the heck is that?

Thank you all.
Meeting adjourned.

Mike!

Hey, I know you're upset.

I'm upset, too.

I'm not upset!

You're rotating your tires.
You do that when you're upset.

I'm rotating my tires
to equalize tread wear.

You're supposed to do it
every 6,000 miles.

And when was the last time
you did it?

About an hour ago.

I would be playing catch
with my youngest daughter,

but she won't play catch with me.

All right, look,
it's not a good situation,

but it could be worse.

How could it be worse?

We could have four daughters.

Look Kyle is a nice, normal guy,

and he seems
to really care about her.

Right. Under that goofy exterior
lies the devil.

Oh, come on.

What kind of example does this
set for the other girls?

I mean, they--they look
at Kristin's behavior,

it'll set a precedent.

And they're always
looking for loopholes.

Now, Mike, stop. They're
teenagers. They're not lawyers.

Mandy--she'll be using this.

"Uh, per the landmark case of

"Kyle and Kristin vs.
The state of decency,

I'd like to have a roman orgy
up in my room."

Mike, look, like it or not,

Kristin is an adult
and a sexual being.

Ah! Oof.
You don't know that.

She has a child.

Maybe she caught something
in a public swimming pool.

If she wants to have sex
in this house,

I'm not for it--end of story.

You know that story
doesn't have a happy ending.

Ugh. Do you have to use those words?

Come in.

Oh, hi.

I can't believe
you're really moving out.

You've been in this house
my whole life.

I've never lived here without you.

Oh. I know. Oh, I know.
But look, it'll be okay.

Okay? I'm still your big sister,

- so you can't be sad.
- I am sad.

I can't help it.
I-I hate when things change.

Oh. Yeah. Me, too.

Why are you holding paint swatches?

Just because.

I haven't even moved out yet.

I know. And I'm dreading it.

But--no rush--

I would really love to start
priming in the morning.

Unbelievable!

Hey, come on.
You're leaving anyway.

Why can't I miss you
from this larger room,

in... Robin's egg blue?

Get out!

Oh, don't even think about
sticking a treadmill in there.

Hi.

Mom, you can't talk me out of this.

I wasn't going to.

But I would like to hear your plan.

My plan is to not live
in a police state.

Well, unlike, say, North Korea,

we're having lasagna for dinner.

I'm going to Kyle's.
Boyd loves Kyle's apartment.

He thinks his roommates
are the Wiggles.

Honey, you know,
your father loves you.

You know that, right?

Yeah, well, he has
a funny way of showing it.

Yeah, well, tell me about it.

For our tenth anniversary,
he threw me out of a plane.

Listen, why--why don't you
just stay here tonight

and see how you feel in the morning?

Mom--mom, I can't.
Kyle's expecting us.

Okay. All right. Well...

Will you just call me in the morning?

Of course.

I'm just so sad, because...

She's been here my whole life, and...

Stop, stop, stop.

Hey.

It's called knocking, Mike.

I can lend you literature
on the subject.

Those "Ed commandments" went over

like a lead balloon at my house.

All the girls started yelling at me.

Kristin moved out.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Caused my family
nothing but heartache.

For years, my daughters
wouldn't speak to me,

I wouldn't speak to them.

It was--it was just a big mess.

Why didn't you tell me any of this?

Well, I'm--I'm not
a great communicator.

I thought I just made that clear.

Kristin moved in with Kyle.
Where is that little rascal?

I'm gonna have a little
conversation with him.

Calm down. Come back.
Come--come on.

Listen... Mike...

When I was Kristin's age,

there was this girl who lived
in the next town, right?

Now I used to swim across
an icy lake to go see her,

all right? Now this is
before modern wet suits.

For insulation, I would
cover myself with bacon grease.

And there were wolves
waiting for me on land.

You've told me this story
a number of times.

You added the wolf thing,
which is good. I like that.

All right. What I'm saying
without saying,

and you're forcing me to say now,

is that maybe you've forgotten
what it's like

to be young and in love.
Hmm?

What are you, a greeting card?

Oh, boy.

I'm tired of hiding from you.

You've been walking around here
like I've done something wrong.

Haven't you?
You come into my house--

you invited me into your house.

You date my daughter--
you fixed us up.

Kyle, your facts are
starting to piss me off.

I would never disrespect you
or your daughter or your home.

You should know that by now.

Hey, how is she?

She's good.

And I'm in love with her.
Over.

What are you doing here?

Well, that's some greeting.
Does your manager know

that's how you say "hello"
to customers?

He has a general sense of it, yes.

Well... Kristin,

what I'd like is something
that's flavorless

but yet makes me feel
a little bloated.

Oh. Well, you're in luck,
'cause that's all we serve.

I particularly don't
recommend the Sushi.

A Sushi melt?

Uh, how about just some apple pie?

- Okay.
- Please.

Okay.

When I was first out of college,

I had to live
with my parents for a while.

My dad used to come
into my room every morning

and ask me if I made my bed.

23 years old-- did I make my bed?

Okay. Is there a point?

The point is, we're always
our parents' kids.

Yeah, but, dad,
I'm not a kid anymore.

Baby, you're my kid, you know?

And you and I may disagree
on what's fair,

but that's not gonna change.

And I'm never gonna be okay with
having shenanigans in my house.

How are you and the Boyd
doing at Kyle's?

Well...

Boyd loves it,
because they have a trampoline

where most people keep
a dining room table.

I want you to come home.

There, I said it.

Nothing's changed.

How about if I promise I'll try

to treat you more like an adult
and respect you?

What if I try harder to earn it?

No more curfew.

No shenanigans...

In the house.

All right. Deal.

Thanks.

Do you have any coffee
to go with this great pie?

Yeah.

I kind of like it.

Put raisins in there.

We don't put raisins
in our apple pie.

Oh.

Honey, I'm telling you,
I can hardly even see it.

Are you sure?
Please, don't touch it.

I'm supposed to give an oral report

first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh.

Well, trust me,
it--it's practically gone.

Okay. If you're sure.

Wow. When's that gonna go away?

How you doing?

I miss my childhood.
Thanks for asking.

- Hey, Kyle.
- Hey, dad.

- Hey, honey.
- Mr. B.

Well, I enjoyed our dinner.

Yes.
It was a wonderful date.

Yes.

He's a lovely young man.

Why is your shirt inside out?

Good night, dad.

Just breathe.

I don't know.

Can you just
explain it to me again?

Because I'm just really angry

and confused and upset right now,

and I don't get it,
and I want to understand.

- Okay. Listen to me, please.
- Yeah.

Kristin... needs...

Her... room... back.

I'm still not following.

Ugh.

- I'm living in a house filled with
crazy people! - Ow. My God. Ow.

- Hey, dad.
- What's up?

Still feel like tossing
the ball around?

Well, I would,

but it's 11:30 and it's,
like, 28 degrees outside.

Oh, well, just forget about it then!

I'm gonna get out
and rotate the tires!