Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Good Cop, Bad Cop - full transcript

What are you doing?

Cleaning a flintlock musket
from the revolutionary war

while enjoying
a little bacon and biscuits.

This is what
our forefathers died for.

Can't you do that in your den?

The bill of rights says
I can do this

wherever I want to do this.
Really?

Well, what if your 2-year-old
grandson walked in here?

And overpowers me?

Your back could be turned.

You could be reaching
for a piece of bacon.



Yeah. He could grab the musket
out of my hand,

shove me to the ground,

pour the correct amount
of powder in here,

take the ramrod,
jam it down there,

get a musket ball,
put that in there,

take the ramrod back out,
jam that down there,

half-cock it,
put a percussion cap in there,

fully cock the thing,

and somehow shoot me
in the foot.

Just keep the safety on.

Honey, this whole gun
is a safety.

It's a miracle we're not
speaking British right now.

Morning, mom.
Hi, sweetie.

Morning, dad.
What you got there?



A... .69-caliber flintlock?

That's my girl.

Hey, can I camp out
at the Magness Arena

for Katy Perry tickets
Thursday night?

You bet. You know
how I feel about camping.

No, Mike, Mike...
Honey, it's a school night.

Oh, that's right.
School night. Can't go.

(Under breath)
Killjoy strikes again.

What was that?

Look, Eve... was just
saying how nice you looked,

and I was...
I was agreeing with her.

Well, it just didn't seem

like nearly enough time went by
for you guys to say all that.

There's never enough time, baby,
to tell you how good you look.

Ah.

Last Man Standing - S01E06
Good Cop, Bad Cop

Original air date
November 8, 2011

Hey, v., could you
come in here a minute?

I hung up my n gun.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, you don't seem
happy about it.

Well, the simplicity of it

in contrast
with my new shotguns

makes the whole den
look a little busy.

Sometimes I don't know
if you're Billy the Kid

or Billy Elliot.

Yay! I'm going to work
like I like.

(Laughs)

Hey, Kris, stop for a second.
Listen.

This isn't gonna last forever.

And you're doing the right
thing. You're saving money.

You're applying to colleges.

You're doing everything I did
when I was your age,

except you're taking care
of a baby,

and I was taking care of this
chopped and channeled Mercury

with a flathead.
I loved that car.

- It was so cool because
I had these side pipes--
- yeah, yeah, dad,

I know I should
just suck it up,

but last week,
my manager, who hates me...

- He doesn't hate you.
- No, he hates me. He hates me.

He took me off of station one,

and he stuck me at the counter
where nobody tips.

We, speak up.
Stand up for yourself.

I have been. I point
at the tip jar and I shout,

"hello! I'm poor!"

Honey, honey, you have
to stand up for yourself.

Your dad's right.
I mean, when I was working

at that yogurt shop in high-school,

my boss had me work
every Friday night.

And all of my friends--
they were all out,

they're having a great time.

Oh. Well, what did
you do about it?

Nothing. I-I was just...

Getting it off my chest.

Is is amazing! (Squeals)

It is amazing. Look,
she's holding on to a newspaper.

They're having
open auditions for

"America's next hot teen model"

here in Denver, and they're only
expecting, like, 10,000 girls,

and 12 get in,
so I'm pretty confident.

But, honey, isn't that the show

where all the girls
end up with eating disorders?

I know! I can't wait!

And all I have to do
is bring in photos, a bio,

and permission from my parents.
So is it okay?

Well, does it cost any dough?
No.

Do we have to drive you?
Nope.

Will you miss any school?
No more than usual.

Well, you know, uh,

you know, follow your passion,
huh?

Yes.

Ah. Well, uh, your father and I
are gonna discuss this later.

Oh, I know what that means.
Honey, it might mean "yes."

Will it?
No.

Mike...

Honey, what is the harm
in letting her try out?

Really, honey? A teen model?
Yeah.

You want her hanging out
in Vegas with Russian mobsters

and, uh, David Spade?

I absolutely do not want that.

Then why did you say "yes"?

She's 5'1".

She doesn't like people
telling her what to wear.

I think the universe
will take care of this one.

While the universe is trying
to figure it out,

I look like the bad cop.

That's 'cause you're good at it.

That's why we're a great team.

I give 'em freedom.
You set boundaries.

Well, why do I have to
set the boundaries?

I'm freedom.

We both can't be freedom.

It was one thing when
you were traveling around,

but you're home now,

and you can't just swoop in here
and say, "hey, go for it."

Listen, I represent,
you know, truth, justice...

The American way.
I'm Swooperman.

Hey, Mike. You know, I was
just taking a little stroll

down the winter gear section.
Guess what I saw.

Oh, the kayak.

Bingo. So where the hell
are the parkas?

I moved 'em to the center aisle.
The storm's coming.

Figured closer
to the cash register,

we'd sell more of 'em.

I see. Well, I like
the fishing vests

front and center.

It's not fishing season.

Well, I wasn't aware of that.
You wanna know why?

Because you also moved
the calendars.

Listen, Ed, if you don't like
any of this stuff,

just make the call.

Oh, I will. Because I am
the boss, you see.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you've been making a lot
of decisions around here lately

without consulting me.
Like what?

Like--like when you fired
Pete from shipping!

Pete was a thief.

Well, you don't know that.

We have video surveillance

showing him taking money
out of your desk.

The poor man
was probably desperate.

Take a look at the video.
The guy's whistling.

And then there was that--
what, that Thursday?

You decided to give
everyone the day off.

Thanksgiving?

You know, you've got
an answer for everything.

This is ridiculous.
You're being just dumb now.

Because I just want you
to remember

that I'm still sitting
in the big chair, see?

By the way, where the hell
is my big chair?

Should have told you--

I sent it out
to get re-upholstered.

You know what? I'll go down
and get you a camp stool,

and maybe a little
admiral's hat for ya.

Hey, you want a sandwich?

Mm, no, thanks, dad,
no carbs for me.

I'm gonna be a model.

And I'm gonna be an astronaut.

It's fun to just say things.

Ha ha ha ha.
No, for your information,

I am auditioning to be
America's next hot teen model.

And mom and dad
are gonna let you do that?

Well, they said
they'd discuss it,

and nobody told me "no."
Right, dad?

I know I didn't.

So you think I have a shot?

If it was meant to be,
it was meant to be.

Ha ha! See? Dad thinks
I'm gonna win it.

Are you sure this is
your native language?

Watch that attitude,

or I'll find someone else
to carry my dog.

(Sighs) Oy.

So you're still letting me
be the bad cop

no one has to be the bad cop.

I totally love and support her,

and I'm absolutely certain
she's gonna fail at this.

That's a very nice sentiment,

but we need to nip this
in the bud,

and you need to tell her
she can't audition.

(Mouth full) I heard you.
I heard you.

I heard what you said.

Slowly forgetting it.

So you're sure
you know what you're doing?

Hey, I was the photographer
for my high school paper...

Until I got knocked up

and I had to go to the pregnant
school across the street.

Yeah, Kristin, can we not
bring everyone down right now?

All right.

So my strategy is to show
five sides of my personality.

Eve! Do you have
my shot list?

"Sexy. Super sexy.

"Tease. Vamp.

Sexy from the side."

Well, the girl's got range.

I still think you should go
with this sparkly top.

(Giggles) No.

What about
this red cape-y thing?

(Laughs) No.

You said I could handle
the wardrobe.

No, I said you could
hand me the wardrobe.

Now less talky-talky,

more hanging up the things
I threw on the floor.

Okay, Mandy, you've got
a lot of attitude

for somebody who is one
of 10,000 applicants

to a Colorado
modeling competition.

Whoa. Whoa. I cannot work in
this judgy environment, okay?

I have a dream. You two can
either be near it or not.

(Both) Not.

You'll be sorry!

(Both) No, we won't.

Fine! I'll just do it myself!
It's fine.

Okay.

(Shutter clicks)
Oh, yeah. That's nice.

(Click) Give me another one.
Yeah. Yeah, like that.

(Click) (Laughs)

(Click)
That's great. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh! I have an idea. Okay.

Oh, yes!
(Click)

Give me another one like that.
Yes! So bad.

(Click)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, boss.
Haven't you been busy?

Oh, yes, I have.

Allow me to present
the Outdoor Man Sno-Mo-Bunnies.

The what?

Listen,
you're a marketing genius.

What's the one thing
guaranteed to move product?

Quality merchandise
at a competitive price.

No, siree.
Elevated testosterone levels.

Look, I like a woman in a bikini
as much as the next guy--

not if the next guy is me.

- There's just something about this
that seems a little cheesy.
- Oh.

But you're the boss. Your store.
Do what you want.

Hey, maybe tomorrow
or the next day,

we can get a-a donkey
out front

with a big straw hat
and a cigar.

"Hee-haw!
Why don't you buy stuff?"

You can--you can mock me
all you want,

but these lovely young women
are selling snowmobiles.

They're selling snowmobiles?

14 since noon.

Should we put 'em in heels?

Hey, sweetie.
You talk to your manager?

Um, I-I tried. I tried.

Um, I-I barged into his office,

and I said, "hey!
You owe me a better station,

"because I work hard,
and every day I come in here,

my soul dies a little."

Good, good.
What'd he say?

Nothing. Nothing, because...
He... was... dying... a little.

Literally, mom.
What?

He--yeah. He was--no.
He was choking

on-a chicken bone,
so--so I gave him the Heimlich,

and--and I think
I saved his life.

Wow. Kristin, honey,
that's amazing.

You saved a life!

Yeah, but now I don't
really know how to feel,

because, you know, I went
in there and I was so angry,

and I was so ready to quit,
and now I-I think I'm his hero.

Aw.

Well, honey, he's gotta
treat you better now.

In some cultures,
he'd have to be your slave.

Really, Mike, what cultures?

They're out there.

You guys! My photo shoot went...
(Singsongy) A-mazing.

(Normal voice) So as soon
as Travis approves the photos,

I'm gonna send them off
with the rest of my application,

- which, I might add, kind of rocks.
- What application?

Yeah. Can you believe
you're going to be the mother

of a top teen model?

Ooh! Just don't go all
Dina Lohan on me.

What was that? You said
you were gonna talk to her.

Well, then I had a better idea
to not talk to her.

How is that a better idea?

Because if we don't
let her audition,

she's still
gonna have this dream,

but if we let
the universe say "no,"

it'll crush
this bad idea forever.

Oh, my God, Mandy, you can't
send these photos in.

Girls! What's all
the yelling about?

Kristin doesn't like my photos.

Yeah, well, you won't either.
What's the matter with them?

Too backlit? Too blurry?
Underexposed?

Overexposed.

What the heck are you thinking?

Dad, don't make this a thing.

- What are you thinking? Look at the--
- Mike, hon--

oh! Where is your top?!

I don't get it.
Nobody likes the photo.

I'd like it if you were
wearing a turtleneck,

not your hands.

You don't understand fashion.

I understand fashion
has something to do

with wearing clothes,
but you aren't wearing any!

You can't see anything!

You can see under-boob.

Oh, lord, strike me blind.

I don't understand.
What--what is the big deal?

I've seen the girls
on your classic car calendar.

Sometimes they don't even
have cars!

That has nothing to do
with this!

Those aren't my daughters!

They're somebody's daughters!

We don't know that!

Mandy...
Mandy, this is a big deal.

What if somebody saw those?

Well, then we would have

a new most embarrassing
Baxter daughter.

(Mouths words)

I think you guys need privacy.

Listen, you're young
and you're naive,

and this may seem like
something harmless to you,

but once these pictures
get out, you can't get 'em back.

This could haunt you
the rest of your life.

Let's say you ran
for political office.

Mike, just--no.

All right. Forget that.

Look, honey, the point is,

the mistakes that we make
as young people can't be erased.

Whether it's a photograph
like this,

or an embarrassing tattoo...
Mike.

Listen, I'm gonna take
the memory card

and get rid of these.

Fine, go ahead. I'll just have
Travis text them back to me.

Travis has seen these?

- Probably not yet. He has a
trombone lesson till 8:00.
- Ugh.

So there's a chance
he hasn't shared them

with 4,000
of his closest friends?

Mom, Travis wouldn't do that.

No, no.
'Cause he's a 17-year-old boy,

- and they are notoriously trustworthy.
- Come on.

Always trustworthy.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, hi there.
Is Travis home?

Who are you?

Mike Baxter.
(Trombone playing in distance)

Outdoor man.

Mandy's dad! Hi!

I'm Kim.

- Oh, I am so happy to meet you.
- Well, good.

I've been trying to get
our families together

for a meal for so long.

Well, we're busy, and we have
a lot of food allergies.

Anyway, um, is Travis home?

He's in his trombone intensive.
Can I help you?

Well, this is just going
to be a little awkward.

Look, it turns out that
Mandy may have sent him

some provocative pictures
on his cell phone.

(Trombone warbles, stops)

Pornography?

Well, I wouldn't say
pornography.

It's more of a, uh...

If you were to shoot, um...

Um, oh, God help me,

uh, under-boob.

(Trombone resumes playing)
If I could just see his phone,
I can delete them,

and I'd be out of here.

It's--it's right here.

Ugh! I can't believe this.
Oh, thank you so much.

I never should have
let Travis see Mandy.

The apple doesn't fall far
from the big sister.

What's the heck that
supposed to mean?

I'll tell you one thing your
daughters aren't allergic to--

loose morals.

Wow. Do we have
a lot of nerve, Kim?

I've got a lot of nerve?

You're the one standing
in my living room

holding my son's cell phone,

which is now jam-packed
full of pornography.

It's just so dirty.

Yes, it--it does
appear to be dirty.

Let's--let's give it
a little bath.

You've ruined his phone.

Yes, I guess
I'm sorry about that.

Here, buy him a new phone.

And try raising three daughters

while you're pointing
your little finger there.

It's a pain in the ass.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Piano playing)

Hi, . Baxter.

Hi. I know you.

I'm April.

Which calendar?

No. April Miller.

I went to school
with your daughter Kristin.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, I-I know your dad.
He's, um...

He's a mechanic.

And a good guy, too.

Well, you've grown--
you've grown up, you know?

Yeah.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Mike...

Mike, what's going on?
Where are my Sno-Mo-Bunnies?

I sent 'em home, Ed.

I thought I made it clear
I don't wanna be second-guessed.

How many snowmobiles
can you sell?

All of them.

That's what we do.
Now get the girls back.

No.
I'm not asking.

Half-naked girls
running around downstairs?

That's not what Outdoor Man
is all about.

Wait--wait a minute. Don't tell
me what Outdoor Man is about.

I am Outdoor Man.

Well, when I came on board,
you had one store--

Ed's fishin' hole.
Now you have 20.

I'd like to think
I'm part of that.

Well, forget it!
I'm not going anywhere!

Nobody's taking over, Ed!

What's the matter with you?

(Clears throat)
I had a birthday last week.

So what?
I forget every year.

Well, now I'm the same age
my father was when he retired,

and retirement killed him.

Well, actually,

the husband of the lady
he was seeing killed him.

But he wouldn't have been seeing
her if he had been at work.

Ed, no one's suggesting
that you retire.

Don't kid a kidder.

You've been changing things
around here.

You've been going your own way.

Now you send the girls home?

That's different.
I know one of those girls.

I know her dad.
That's somebody's daughter.

They're all
somebody's daughters.

Sounds like the worst
country song ever written.

Listen, you're my best friend,
you're my mentor,

and most of all, Ed,
you're my boss.

This is your place.

Nothing's gonna change,
all right?

All right. Okay, Mike.
All right, listen.

- But I'm not gonna hug you, okay?
- Okay.

(Laughs) Uh, but somehow,

shaking hands doesn't seem
quite enough, you know? It's...

Well, it is for me.

Yeah.

Ahh! There we go.

Let's do it again.
Oh! Oh. At's just--

one more time.

Okay! That was enough.
That was enough.

I still can't believe
all those horrible things

Travis' mother said
about my daughters.

Oh, she is lucky
I wasn't there.

Wow. Well, there's nothing
you would have done

that I didn't do.

I would have cut her.

(Crunches)

It's probably a good thing
you didn't go over there.

(Sighs heavily)

Well, another day in paradise.

We had three tables
dine and dash,

one of our refrigerators
went out,

and a customer chipped a tooth

on a tooth.

(Both laugh)

- So did your super-grateful
boss give you a raise?
- Nope.

- Did he move you to a better station?
- No.

What do you say you and I
go back in an hour

and put that chicken bone
back in his throat?

Right. Um...

He gave me this.

This is...

It's a photo
of his 5-year-old son.

Oh.
Oh. He's cute.

Yeah. He said
if not for me,

this boy wouldn't
have a father.

And, uh, it made me realize

that years from now,

I'm gonna look back
at this stupid diner job

and I'm gonna think, wow,

I guess it wasn't a waste.

You're a good kid.
I'm very proud of you.

Yeah.

I still think a raise
would have been nice.

(Mouth full)
Well, thanks for nothing, dad.

Now I'm not gonna be
America's next hot teen model,

which was my gateway
to "dancing with the stars."

Which was her gateway
to "celebrity rehab."

I'm disappointed in all of you!

In no particular order--
dad, mom, and Kristin!

Wait, what did I do?

Exactly!

Wow.

(Groans) So this is what it feels like
to disappoint your daughter?

Yeah.
But you get used to it.

No, I kind of like it.
It makes me feel alive.

Yeah?
So no more good cop/bad cop?

Just two old cops
walking the beat,

too old to care about anything

except eating doughnuts,
drinking coffee,

waiting for our pension.

Mm. Sounds good to me.

Hey, uh...

You wanna do it?

You mean go get doughnuts?

Yeah.

I was actually thinking of...

Doughnuts would be good.

Yeah! Let's.

(All) Surprise!

What--what the hell is this?
What's going on?

Happy belated birthday, boss.

It's actually
a Bar Mitzvah cake

that someone didn't pick up
at the bakery, so...

Mazel tov!

You shouldn't have.
Ah, it wasn't a big deal.

No, act-actually,
you shouldn't have.

You know, it's a company rule.
We don't do birthdays, you know?

I mean, we'd have to do
about a hundred of them,

then I'd have to memorize
everybody's names.

Well, we thought we'd, uh,

bend the rules a little bit
for the boss.

Yeah, well, you'll do anything
to usurp me, huh, Mike?

You bet I will.

Yeah.

Huh?

(Man cheers)

Hey. Isn't that lovely?
My own chair.

Why don't you give me a gift
certificate to my own store?

How about--why don't you

why don't you wrap up
my own shoes?

Hey, why don't you put--

here, put this--this ribbon
right on top of my own car.

Tell you what--why don't you
stuff me in a gift box

and mail me to myself?