Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Odd Couple Out - full transcript

Vanessa discovers that she and Mike are no longer invited to their neighbor's parties because of something Mike said. Mike tries to make amends after Vanessa gets upset. Meanwhile, the girls try to fix Mandy's car after Eve puts a large dent in it.

- Oh. Hey, look, Mandy.
- Huh?

What a surprise.

The parking citation people
are reaching out to us again.

Okay, but, mama,
it totally wasn't my fault.

Let me guess.
Was the meter maid jealous

of your leather coat again?

No. My tall boots.

Look, you've been very
irresponsible with this car.

One more strike,
and you lose it.

Oh, come on. Everyone hates
on the pretty girl.

- Yeah.



(Scoffs) You two have no idea
how easy you've got it.

(Mike) Hey, honey, did we have
a party I was unaware of?

No. (Sighs)

That's weird.

- What?
- Our trash cans were filled

with wine bottles and what
I hope is onion dip.

You think it's, uh,
you think it's the girls?

(Southern accent) No, baby.

I think our kids like
corn liquor.

(Chuckles) Well...

Joking aside,
I think you should give

another one of those
drugs and alcohol talks anyway.

It can't hurt.
Now why am I doing that?

Well, because that's what
we decided...



that, uh, you would be in charge
of the drugs and alcohol

and I would be in charge
of the sex talk.

That went well.

Only one girl got pregnant
behind a bowling alley.

Captioned by
closed captioning services, inc.

(Bottles clinking)
Oh, hey, Michelle.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I hope you don't mind
if I use your trash cans.

I ran out of room in mine.

Oh, no. Oh, so that's where
the onion dip came from.

- Sorry. (Chuckles)
- It's okay.

It, uh, looks like
you had a party.

No, no. These are just
from a social gathering I had

at my house with a bunch
of people. (Chuckles)

Well, you don't have to explain
yourself to me. (Chuckles)

Were the, uh,
were the Wongs invited?

The Kopelmans?
Uh, you wouldn't have invited

the Kopelmans
without inviting us.

Uh...

Dad, we've heard this speech.

I know, and you're gonna
hear it again.

Listen, I'm not gonna lie
to you.

Drugs can make you feel
like you're on top of the world,

like you can be the best
you can be and do anything,

but... and here's
the big "but"...

we have slipped
below the Kopelmans!

All right, listen, the big "but"
here is that drugs can...

I'm upset.
Could you follow me in here?

I haven't got to the bad part
about the drugs yet,

so you guys stay put,
and I'll back here in a minute

with a really scary metaphor
about eggs fryin' in a pan.

Honey, I haven't got
to the dangerous part

about drugs yet.

Michelle had a party,
and she didn't invite us.

So we dodged a bullet.

No. Wait. (Sighs)

I have known Michelle
for years...

- Right.
- And when Eve was born,

I almost named her "Michelle,"
until I realized that

that was the name
of your college girlfriend.

Yeah, she... she was
a cheerleader.

All right, stop.
You know what? Stop. Just...

(Mouthing words)
(Sighs)

I mean, I just... I-I cannot
wrap my head around this.

I mean, what... what could I
possibly have done

to offend her?

We were just at
her theme party last month...

Yeah.

And I... I thought that went great.
Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

('70s music playing)

Oh. (Chuckles) Michelle.
This is your best party ever.

Oh, I just love the '70s theme.

Of course, I was just
a baby back then.

(Chuckles)
Yeah, an eighth-grade baby.

Wah, wah.

Oh. Lava lamps are such
a nice touch...

Yeah. Cool.
Right?

Well, as one scientist
to another,

I really try to have
an eye for detail.

Ah. Well, I'm gonna go, uh,
check out the fondue bar.

(Chuckles)

Michelle? A scientist?
Aren't you a weather girl?

Meteorologist.

TV meteorologist.
You just point at clouds

that aren't really there.
"Look over here

at the green..."

(Chuckles)

Uh, actually,
my profession requires

an extraordinary degree
of skill and knowledge.

Um, I... I wasn't being
insulting.

I was just... just, you know,
bustin' your chops,

but isn't it funny that
your whole job

you could download
on a free app?

I mean, the whole...
(Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Oh, boy.

Mystery to me.

Well, I mean, I-I didn't
write her a thank-you note.

Do you think that
could be it?

- Oh, definitely.
- I-I...

Pfft. Come on.
Write her a thank-you note.

Baby, you're better
than that.

Mm-hmm. I see.

Wow. Okay.

Hey. You need to move your car.
I'm gonna shoot some hoops.

Okay. Here.
You move it. Here.

- I'm 13. I'm not allowed.
- I'm in the middle

of a very important conversation
right now, okay?

Well, do you think that
Jeanette shaves her forearms?

Give me the keys.

I was thinking so, too,
because, to tell you the truth,

you can see fuzz all the way
down to her elbows,

and then it's, like,
nothing.

- Mandy.
- Uh-huh.

Mandy, you were supposed
to empty the dishwasher.

You were supposed to go
to college. Oh! (Laughing)

(Engine starts in distance) (High-pitched
voice) Did you just hear that?

I was just totally funny.

My sister walks in
and she's all,

"um, Mandy, you were supposed
to empty the dishwasher,"

and then I was like...
hey, hey, hey...

"you were supposed to go
to college." Ow! (Chuckles)

(Crash)

I gotta call you back.

(Grunts)

(Kristin)
How did this happen?

How do you think
it happened?

I'm 13. I've never driven
a car before.

Oh, how hard can it be?

YouTube is full of videos
of dogs driving tractors!

Mom and dad are gonna
kill me.

I've never been
in trouble before ever.

I'm not like you people.

You can take the hit
for this one,

because I am one strike away
from public transportation.

No. No. No, no, no.
You could...

you could walk...
(Sighs)

Or... or you...
or you could ride your bike.

I'm sorry.
Now I'm just being mean.

You know what?

This... this is your fault
for making me drive your car.

It's your fault
for always exercising.

This is America, Eve.
Kids don't do that.

All right. That's enough.
Enough, okay?

I have an idea. Come here.

Look, Kyle has this device
that takes dents out of cars.

He uses it, like, twice a day.

His apartment's across
the street from a driving range.

(Door opens)
(Mike) Hey, guys.

What's with all the noise
out here?

(Chuckles)
Um...

We were just gonna...

Clean the garage
as a surprise, daddy.

Oh. Well,
use my power washer.

Plug it in. You can get
the grease stains off the floor.

Thanks.

Even Cinderella didn't have
to power-wash the garage.

(Sighs)

Did I track something in?

(Clicks tongue)

(Sighs) Just got off
the phone with Michelle.

Did you know her entire job
could be done

by a 99-cent phone app?

Of course you did!

Actually, I-I said it was
a free app,

but that probably doesn't,
uh, help right now, does it?

Why would you even say
something like that?

Michelle is my friend.

'Cause she's
an accuweather-ologist.

She's wrong half the time,
but she still has a job.

(Chuckles)
I just... it's the truth.

All right. You know what?
Could...

could you just make an effort
to not insult our friends?

Well, at this age,
maybe we need less friends.

We could thin the herd out
a little bit.

You're thinning the people
that I like.

I mean, Michelle and I...
we do fun things together.

We go to the book groups
and the art fairs

and... and that
soups of autumns class

a-at the learning annex.

Right. In my opinion, that was
a complete waste of $6.

All right. You know what?
The girls are getting older,

and if we don't maintain
our social life,

we are staring down
the barrel

of decades
of just you and me.

And you wanna know
who I'm dragging

to that
soups of autumn class?

I'll be dead before then.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, you won't,

because I will keep you alive
long enough to suffer through...

(Whispers) All of it.

You just threatened me
with life.

Yes, I did!

(Indistinct radio chatter)

Mike, bad news.
(Turns off radio)

Curly's out for poker.

Curly's never out
for poker.

We set up
a table at his dad's wake.

Mm. He joined
gamblers anonymous.

What a wimp.

Yeah, I know.

A real man would just keep
trying to win it all back, huh?

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I got a question for you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- When you were married...

Oh, here we go.

- Now listen...
- Yeah.

If your wife was not
invited to a party...

now wait a minute.
Which wife?

I don't care. Lois. If she
wasn't invited to a party...

Lois?
Well, Lois hated parties.

All right, forget Lois. Ruth.

If she wasn't invited
to a party...

Ruth? Well, Ruth...
I didn't know she drank

until I saw her sober.

Let's just forget about
your wives for a minute.

I might have insulted
one of Vanessa's friends,

and now they're not
friends anymore,

and Vanessa's
really worried that

we're not gonna have any friends
and we're gonna end up alone,

even though she's friends...
(Chuckles)

With half of the women
in Denver.

Mm. Mike, how many pairs
of shoes do you own?

Uh, uh,
probably five or six,

including the ones
I got on.

And Vanessa?

7 million.
What's the point?

Well, yeah, see, women collect
friends like they collect shoes,

and like shoes,
they never get rid of them,

even if... even if the shoes
are going out of style.

See, women are terrified that
the day they throw them away,

that's the day
that they'll...

that they'll desperately
need them.

See, it's... it's...
It's a mental illness.

I just wish you could
just take all the friends

that don't fit anymore,
take 'em to goodwill

and just,
like, give them away.

"Hey, here. I hope somebody
can use the Kopelmans."

(Chuckles) Yeah, my father
used to say to me,

"a man shouldn't have
more friends

than he can name
in ten seconds."

I like that,
but your dad also said,

"don't date a woman
over 5'2"."

Well, he was a short and lonely man.
(Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. B.
You ready to do your vlog?

Yeah, let's set the camera up
right over there.

- Oh, ed.
- Hey. Hmm?

Uh, what should I wear
to poker night?

Wait a second.

Kyle's coming to poker night?
You didn't ask me about that.

Uh, well, I don't really
get the rules,

but I am bringing beer and all
the money I got for my birthday.

Well, you might want to wear
a shirt you don't mind losing.

Hey.

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

staring down the barrel
of somethin' genuine.

This Saturday we're showing
genuine antiques at Outdoor Man,

like this
single-shot colt peacemaker.

It made peace the old-fashioned way...
(Clicking)

Hurled hot lead at other people
you didn't like. (Gunshot)

Okay, we've come a bit
since then,

but still,
this is the genuine article.

It is what it is.
I like that. Genuine.

Too bad people can't be genuine.

Truthful. That's what I like.
Truthful.

We don't even have
genuine heroes anymore.

Sports heroes... all 'roided up.
Hey, Tony. (Bell dings)

I've never seen anybody hit a ball 6 Miles before.
(Bat hits ball)

What happened to your head?
It looks like a huge ash can.

What's with all the man boobs?

If you want
to see genuine articles,

Outdoor Man this Saturday...

our big genuine article sale.
(Clicks)

Pow.

All right.
I want to finish up

our discussion
about drugs and alcohol,

so I want you guys to take
these two pamphlets.

Read them. In the back,
there is a very simple test,

unless... you're high.

Dad, why do we have to read
this stuff?

You already gave us
the talk.

(Sighs) Yeah, drugs and alcohol
can make you feel like

you're on top of the world.
Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Like you can do anything.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But... and here
is the big "but"...

- you have...
- (Vanessa) Mike, can you come here a minute?

- I was just about to get to the dangers...
- Hey.

- Of drugs and alcohol.
- Yeah, listen, I talked to Michelle,

- and I think that I have the whole thing worked out.
- I've got it worked out.

- We're gonna go to...
- Listen, you know, you were totally right.

I had no idea you had
this thing with shoes.

You have a lot of shoes.
You can't throw shoes out.

- I get it. I get it.
- What are you talking about?

Listen, from now on,
when we go out,

I'm just gonna keep
my opinions to myself...

- Okay. All right. Well, good. Good.
- But it's too bad,

'cause she's already written
you off as a friend,

obviously, and I don't have a chance...
Well, no.

- To make amends to her.
- No. Here. Wait. Listen.

Apparently, her new boyfriend
is a big fan of yours,

and he can't wait to meet
the real Outdoor Man.

So if I'm reading you correctly,
I kind of saved the day.

Yeah, after you ruined
the day.

Yeah, but who remembers what
happened in the first quarter?

(Chuckles) All right,
so what is this gonna mean,

a meal or something?
(Closes drawer)

Yep, the four of us

at Michelle's favorite
raw food restaurant.

(Whiny voice) Raw food?

- Yeah. Why?
- (Normal voice) Oh, that's like eating in the garden.

You know, you gotta get
cooked food.

That's what separates man
from the animal.

Oh? What about art?

You know, I was in Thailand,

and there's elephants there
that paint.

- They have galleries.
- Wait.

They're very famous
over there.

Okay, well, you can
tell Michelle

all about that at dinner.

- Oh, Michelle from next door?
- Yeah.

You know, her new boyfriend
is an ex-Navy S.E.A.L.

How do you know that?

I was at her party.

Wh...

(sighs)
Never mind. Never mind.

- He's kinda hot.
- Yeah.

I would totally go for him
if I didn't have a boyfriend

and a baby from another man.

(Chuckles) Again,
kudos on the sex talk.

Right.

Mm. We might need something
stronger to get that dent out.

This is
the most effective device

for removing
car door panel dings.

I was actually talking
about you. (Chuckles)

Mandy, he's trying to help.

Just carry on, Kyle.

All right. (Grunts)

(Mandy gasps) Yes!
(Eve) Ohh. (Gasps)

- It's perfect!
- (High-pitched voice) Ohh!

(Chuckles) Yes. Yes!
(Laughs)

13 years, 16 weeks,
and 4 days

of mom and dad
not getting mad at me.

My record stands.

(Mandy and Kyle chuckle)

(Clears throat)
Great.

(Rips)

Yeah.

That sometimes happens.

I love kelp. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(Mouth full)
Mmm. Oh, my God.

The only thing that would
make it better is

if it was a cheeseburger.

(Laughs) And if these
were onion rings

instead of beet chips.

(Laughs)

Oh, come on, you guys.
Be adventurous.

(Michelle and Vanessa chuckle)

Yeah.
Yeah, I've always wondered

what it would be like
to be a rabbit

running through the forest
with its mouth open.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

That's Outdoor Man talking.

- That's right. (Chuckles)
- Yeah.

You know, Michelle, I am so glad
we could make this happen.

- Me, too...
- Yeah.

And I'm so happy
everyone's just...

Trying. (Chuckles)

What do you mean by that?

Honey, kelp...
put it in your mouth.

(Grunts)

(Crunching)

Tom, I understand
you were a Navy S.E.A.L.

Oh, he doesn't like
to talk about it.

Hell, yeah, I was!
(Chuckles)

Well, here's a toast...

(Utensils clink) To the men
and women that keep us free.

- (Chuckles) Oh.
- And... and this is what?

Cashew milk.

(Glasses clink)
Wow.

Semper fi. Do or die.

Semper fi?

- Um, Vanessa...
- Uh...

- (Whispers) Yeah.
- I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Wanna come with?

- Of course. Yeah.
- Mm.

- Yeah. Excuse us.
- All right, ladies. Good.

(Chuckles)
Yes.

Wow. It seems our menfolk
are really getting along...

Yeah, yeah. Doesn't it?
(Chuckles)

And Mike has changed.
(Chuckles)

He's less...

Um... cranky?

I was gonna say "honest."

Honest. Yeah, me, too.

You know, I was mad
about his app comment...

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'll let you in on a little secret.

(Lowered voice) That's how
I get a lot of my information.

But it's how
you present it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

(Both laugh)

On that final push to Baghdad,
I drove that M1

18 hours straight
without stopping.

Drove an M1
for 18 hours, huh?

That's a long time.

(Chuckles)
You're telling me.

- (Mouth full) Yeah.
- I lived it.

Yeah. You know what?
Would you excuse me?

I'm gonna call my daughters,
see if they're all right.

Yeah. Sure.

We should hang out
more often.

- Yeah.
- Maybe something at the learning annex.

Oh, you know what? They have
a new class on pickling.

Did you know
that pickling is back?

- I didn't, but it doesn't shock me.
- I... yeah.

(Both chuckle)
Hey, guys.

- Yeah.
- Uh, could I talk to you privately for a minute?

It'll just take a second.

- Oh, of course. Uh-huh.
- Thanks.

- Hey, uh...
- Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

What's going on?

Um, listen,
I think that guy's a liar.

I don't think
he's a Navy S.E.A.L.

I think
he's just full of it.

- He just told me he was...
- Ohh.

In an M1A1 Abrams tank
for 18 hours.

- It's impossible.
- Look. Come on. Come on.

Maybe... maybe he drank
a lot of coffee.

Maybe he peed in a jug.
We don't know. We weren't there.

He wasn't there either.
The S. E.A.L.S... they...

they don't drive
tanks around.

- Even if they did... 18 hours?
- Okay.

- It has a short fuel window.
- All right. Y...

- it would only be about four to six
hours top speed with... - uh, wh...

why do you have to know
these things? Why? Why?

You know, it's against
the law what he's doing.

- (Sighs) Oh, yeah.
- Stolen valor act.

- Old red there could get six months in jail...
- Okay, but...

- For doing that.
- Mike, listen. No, no. L...

we talked about this.
You don't have to say

- the truth all the time.
- So you're...

- you don't. You don't, so... - you're
making me pick between wife and country?

All right, so, look,
look... (Sighs)

I will make it worth
your while. I... (Sighs)

I will do the thing that
you're always asking me to do,

but I won't do it because it
makes me physically sick.

You will root for Michigan
over Ohio state?

Yeah.

I can't believe
mom and dad are gonna

take you away from me...
(Sighs)

Just when I finally figured out
how to move the mirrors

and what that little
red warning light was for.

Hey, where's
dad's duffel bag?

I don't know. Why?

I'm gonna pack some stuff.
I think I'm moving on.

Eve, what are you
talking about?

I want mom and dad
to remember me how I was...

innocent,
perfect, their final hope.

I'm gonna head down South,
look for work.

I'll be in touch
when I get settled.

(Whispers) Gosh, I'm gonna
miss this place.

Shut up.
You're not going anywhere.

How do you know?

Because you miss
one homework assignment,

you break out in hives.

Oh. Dad gave us homework.
We're supposed to read

this drug literature.
Yeah, I wouldn't sweat it.

It's mostly just cartoons
and a bunch of stickers.

I just got a great idea.

Sadness makes
my eyes sparkle.

What?

So there I was,

limping through the streets
of Baghdad,

dragging my wounded leg,

sniper fire everywhere.

We barely made it out
alive.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, she said it.

Was the longest night
of my life.

I know just what you mean.

Then they got me on a bird

and medevaced me out
of there at first light.

(Sighs)
Then I had four months

of pretty intense physical therapy.
(Vanessa) Mm.

Yeah? Where'd you do
your physical therapy?

Doesn't matter. Leave it.

Just leave it.
Oh, no. Let him talk.

It was back at home base.
Fort Douglas.

In Utah?

You know, honey,
it's getting late.

- We should, uh, we should get going.
- No, you know...

- (Michelle) Oh.
- Yeah.

We got
plenty more war stories.

We gotta honor
our soldiers, honey.

No, Vanessa's right.
I gotta get up early tomorrow.

Well, I guess we'll see
you two at the party.

(Whispers) Tom, no.

There... there's a party?

Great.
What, uh, what can we bring?

Oh, yeah.
It's not really a party.

Uh, it's just
a few close friends.

Will the Wongs be there?

- Uh...
- The Kanes?

- Uh...
- The Kopelmans?

Uh...
Seriously?

But... (Sighs)
I don't understand.

May I speak freely?
Please.

The Kopelmans
don't like you.

So... pssh, don't invite
the Kopelmans...

(Chuckles) Right?

(Chuckles)
It's complicated.

We're very close with them.

I guess
it's not that complicated.

I see. I see. Uh, well,
no, I-I understand.

(Whispering) Yeah.

Just, uh, no hard feelings.
(Chuckles)

(Whispers) No.

(Inhales deeply and sighs)

Mike... do it.

You're not a Navy S.E.A.L.

(Chuckles) Ohh.

That is the first full breath
I've had all night.

Not a Navy S.E.A.L.? Of course he is.
No. Not a Navy S.E.A.L.

He doesn't know
what he's talking about.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Fort Douglas...
that's an army base.

It was closed 20 years ago.

Semper fi...
that's from the marine corps,

as I recall.

M1 tank doesn't have
an 18-hour range.

You don't know anything
about what you're talking...

plus I don't think the S.E.A.L.s
use self-Tanner, do they?

Night, folks.

Come on.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

And she gets
all her weather information

from a free phone app.

It's true.

I cannot believe
I said that to her.

I mean, that could ruin
her career. Just...

But it felt good.

(Whispers)
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

(Chuckles, normal voice)
It really did. Yeah. Oh.

You know, I-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I know I'm supposed
to be the civilized part

of this couple.

- You don't need to apologize for being...
- I just... (Sighs)

More like me.

You know, honey,

we are gonna grow old
alone together,

just you and I.

Promise?

Yeah.

- Mm.
- Ohh.

- I gotta eat somethin' cooked.
- Mm.

I swear I do.

(Gasps) Wow. Look at that.

Interesting.

Yeah. Oh, Mike,
we've got some good girls.

Yeah,
we've got some good girls.

Yeah. They're just...
they're gonna grow up,

go out in the world,
and do just fine.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I think they pulled a dent out
and the paint popped off.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that makes more sense.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Ohh. What should we do
about it?

Nothing.

Mandy's got to drive to school
with this sign on there.

That's punishment enough.