Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Moon Over Kenya - full transcript

It's on... it's on...
It's on the hook!

Aah!

♪

Aah!

Look at that! Aah!

♪

(Line snapping)

Boom! Boom!

♪

Oh, yeah.

(Chuckles)



(Vanessa) Who is this guy?

Chad Bickle-- fastest rising star

of the bass pro circuit.

Wow.
Mm-hmm.

Wow. What-- what does that mean?

He's a professional fisherman.

We signed him
as a celebrity endorser.

The guy's turned
into a real, uh, bass-hole.

Damn right.

Look, he has half a million followers

on his tweet or toot

or whatever the hell that is.

- You know, I don't know who said it, but I like it...
- (Vanessa) Mm.

"Fishing is the antidote to chaos."



This guy is chaos.

Look, you hired him.
I don't have to like him.

Well, at least you can be civil
when you meet him.

(Mouth full)
Which I hope is never.

Yeah, well...

Is he coming here today?

Is he here right now?

Look--
(Thuds)

Hey, what up, outdoor man?!

Chad Bickle.

Hey, Chad. Mike Baxter.

- No, bring it in here, bro.
- No, come on. Hey!

- Hey, look at that.
- That was nothing. Hey. Hey.

Give me--whoa. Whoa.

- Ohh.
- Hey. (Chuckles)

Yeah.

Last Man Standing - S01E12
Moon Over Kenya

All right. Here's the store.
Boating starts right back there,

goes into a real trout pond,

which I'd like you to stay away from.

Camping is all in there.
A.T.V.'s there.

Hunting is this big, long thing.

My favorite area, the guns,
and of course, you--

you're fishing. Right here.

Yeah, I-I can't believe I'm
getting a tour of outdoor man...

(High-pitched voice)
From outdoor man!

Yeah, I can't believe you are either.

No way. That's Chad Bickle.

(Beat-boxing)

What's up, fellas?
(Chuckles)

Excuse me, Mr. Bickle.

Could you please do your catchphrase?

(Clicks tongue) Do you mind?

Would it stop you?

It's on the hook!

Thanks, man.

All right.
(Hands slap)

Stay in school.

That's my catchphrase there.

Yeah, yeah. I got that,
'cause he said,

"why don't you do your catchphrase?"

And then you went and did
your catchphrase, so...

Uh, Mr. Bickle?

Kyle, please tell me

you're not gonna ask him
to do his catchphrase.

Of course not.
What am I, 10?

Would you sign my stomach?

And can you make
my belly button the dot

from your "I"?

This is a workplace.

But I shaved my stomach
just for this moment.

And yet you left all this.

Excuse me.

Yo, I gotta tell you, Mike,

you got a pretty nice place here.

Well, this is our flagship store.

They're not all this big,
but this is one of our best.

Yeah, well, you know,
it lacks a certain pop, though,

you know what I mean?

You know what
this place needs, Mikey?

No.
I need a back-beat.

(Beat-boxing)

Boom! Thunder and bass
like we do it in...

(High-pitched voice)
South Beach!

(Chuckles) What--
what the hell are you doing?

I'm just, uh, I'm trying
to create a mood.

And what's the matter
with the mood we got?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The old guy with the fun accent said

we could do whatever I wanted
to sell my line of fishing gear.

I can't work with that clown.

Come on, Mikey.

No. I'm down there
two minutes with him,

I feel like going on a killing spree.

Come on.

You're head of marketing,

and that includes handling talent.

Since when?

Well, since I found out
how loud he is in real life.

Look, he--he's part
of outdoor man now.

We've invested in him.

Why don't you invite him
over for dinner?

Ooh. You know what?
That's a good idea.

That's a terrible idea.

You make your famous pork chops...

With mango chutney...

It's a bad idea!

And those little
fingerling potatoes...

- Done. Done. You got it.
- With, uh...

Is anybody listening to me?

(Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, who's
the extra place setting for?

Oh, please say it's not that minister

with the ponytail again.

Look, I get it. Don't have
another baby outside of wedlock.

No, it isn't,
but, seriously, Kristin,

- Don't.
- Don't.

No, it's just some young guy
that your father hates.

Oh, well, that narrows it
down to everyone.

Ugh. Oh, God.
What is that smell?

Pork chops. Your favorite.

No. Was my favorite...
(Chuckles)

Back when I ate things like animals.

Now I only eat
weeds of the sea. (Sighs)

Okay, Mandy, what celebrity
stopped eating meat?

Hey, I resent that.
Eating animals is cruel, okay,

and I reached this decision
on my own, so...

Olivia Wilde.

But I decided to copy her
all on my own, so...

Whatever. You know what?

People always attack the one
who challenges the status quo.

It's exactly how the British
treated guh-handy, so...

Guh... Guh-who?

Oh, um...

(Enunciates)
Guh-handy.

We learned about him in school, so...

Not enough.

- Hey, guys.
- (Vanessa) Hey.

- Hey, dad.
- Dad, guess what?

I'm a vegan.

I'll give it a day.

(Sighs)

What, uh, what's going on with you?

What's going on with me?

Yeah.

Thanks to you
and your opinion, we got...

(High-pitched voice)
"South Beach!"

(Normal voice)
Coming over for dinner.

You asked me for my opinion.

Well, I think your opinion was wrong.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, and of course he's on time.

Oh, come on.
It's just for one night,

- and I actually found him quite charming.
- (Mike) Great.

Ah.

- What's up, mama B.?!
- Hi. Welcome.

(Laughs)

Okay, okay.

Okay. Catch and release.
Catch and release.

(Gasps)

(Vanessa) So everyone
in your family is a fisherman?

Yeah.
It's kinda in my blood.

Uh, my dad has a video
of me when I was 2

gettin' dragged off a dock
by a sunfish.

Oh. (Chuckles)

That's adorable.

Yeah, my family has tennis
in the blood,

lots of tennis.

(Sighs) Anyway...

So underneath all that yelling
is actually a human being.

Yeah. No, I know.

My--my public persona
is really extreme,

but, uh, I don't know.
It just started one day.

I caught this monster bass, you know,

and just started screaming
into the camera, like,

"whoo! Baby got bass!"

Uh, I don't know.
I don't know.

It was such a hit, it just--
I kind of ran with it, you know?

Yeah.
Like you with your videos.

I mean, nobody's really that angry.

No. Certainly not.

Man, this is great.

I don't remember the last time
I had a good home-cooked meal.

- Oh, thank you.
- You know? Usually I'm just driving from lake to lake

and eating in the car

and letting the wind dry
the hamburger grease on my face.

How many lakes?

Mm. Too many to count, man.

Ever fished for peacock bass
in the Amazon?

Oh, yeah. Many times.

- Really?
- Yeah.

How about taimen up there in Siberia?

Yes. Y--oh, but you know
the one thing I haven't done?

Fly-fishing
for black marlin in Kenya.

Well...
(Speaks indistinctly)

I did a photo shoot there.

(Sighs) It's beautiful, man.

- Yeah.
- Landed a 400-pounder on 16 weight.

Yeah.
(Chuckles)

There's nothing more beautiful
than the moon over Kenya.

Was the time of my life.

Hmm.

Except for--for now.

You know, I love you, baby,
but Kenya?

Well, maybe Kenya
can make you pork chops.

Ooh. Ouch. Damn.
Slap that bass. Yeah.

You know you are my anchor, right?

I'm actually planning
a trip to Kenya in June.

Man, I'd love to go to Kenya in June.

Honey, Mandy's graduation?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. (Chuckles)

Yeah, I'm kind of--
kind of anchored here.

Boy, I'll tell you,
hauling in that fish in Kenya...

That was the h happiest day
of my life.

Our wedding?

Yeah, you know,
the second happiest day.

The--the birth of our children?

Top ten.

Excuse me.
What are you doing?

Helping you be a better vegan.

Yeah. If you can't eat animals,
you can't wear 'em, either.

That's my go-to leather jacket.

(Sighs)
Sorry, ga-handi.

If you're gonna talk the talk,
you gotta walk the walk.

But not in these
leopard-skin booties,

which, wouldn't you know,
fit me perfectly.

No. No, you take those off right now.

You put all my clothes
back where you found 'em.

I will be vegan at my own pace.

You can't stick with anything

that requires
the slightest sacrifice.

Fine. Take it. Take it all.

You don't mean it.

I do mean it.

I, Amanda Elaine Baxter,

believe we should end
the exploitation of animals,

thus creating a more ecological
and humane planet,

and perhaps I am
paraphrasing Olivia Wilde...

But so what?

And maybe you should ask yourselves

why it's so important
to tear me down.

Is it because...

You don't believe in anything?

And now I'm paraphrasing myself.

So then, out of nowhere,

grizzly pops up out of the water,

grabs onto my salmon, right?

So for a split second, I'm actually thinking

"I'm gonna dive in here

and fight this bear for my fish."

You know?

Wow, good thing
you weren't tied to an anchor.

Honey.

Well, no, just--if--
if he was tied to an anchor,

then he wouldn't be able
to have all these adventures.

Are you upset about something?

Who, me? Anchor McGee?

Why would you ask that?

(Chuckles)S)

I think whatever it is, has to
do with the word "anchor."

Are you all done?

Yeah.

All right. Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

That was a great dinner, honey,

and you know,

when I said "anchor,"
I meant that in a good way.

Mike, an anchor is
a barnacle-covered hunk of metal

that keeps you
from going anywhere you want.

You could look at it that way...

Or it keeps your boat
safe and secure in a storm,

which is how I feel
when I come home, normally.

Except when I am holding you down.

Look, you're not gonna
make me feel guilty...

- Oh, yes I am.
- For all my travels.

- I like traveling, as you can tell--
- No, no, no. No. No. Not this time. No.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- No, you're not.
- Yeah. Oh, yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Come here.

(Kiss)

You guys are awesome.

This was like a private moment.

I was hoping to get
a little action from my wife.

What are you doing?

No, the w--the way you guys go
from fighting to kissing

is an inspiration.

Reminds me of the way
me and Julia used to go from...

Scrappin' to tappin'.

That's sweet.

- That's really romantic.
- That's...

So, um, who's--who's Julia?

Oh, she's the girl I left
when I went pro. Yeah.

I loved her enough
to have some brutal fights,

but I just couldn't handle
the relationship and the travel.

Yeah.

- (Exhales deeply) Boy.
- Miss her?

(Clenches teeth)
Not our business, honey.

- Yeah, you know, I try not to think about it.
- Good.

- Makes me sad.
- All right.

I guess you could call her
the one that got away.

Sounds like you're
a little adrift without--

here we go.

An anchor.

Hi. Mike Baxter for outdoor man.

It's cold outside, isn't it?

But never too soon
to be thinking about

my favorite activity, boating.
(Imitates motor rumbling) (Motor rumbling)

Huh? I love boats--
big ones, small ones--

all the equipment, I love--

the big motors, the small motors,

trolling motors, canoes--
I love boats.

But one thing about boats--
no matter how big, how small,

the most important part
of a boat is...

(Metal clanks) The anchor.

Like this beautiful galvanized
slip-ring model. Look at that.

Great action, streamlined,
perfectly functional,

thing of beauty.

Coming out of the water,
dripping wet,

it's like Bo Derek on a chain.

Strong, functional,

secure, and... on sale.

Now you'd think
any woman would know the value

of being compared
to such a device like this...

(Chuckles) But no, no, no.

You know, all they hear is,
"you just compared me

to a rusted piece of metal
on a chain."

I said to her, "it can't rust.
It's galvanized, so..."

Wow, did she not like that,

but you can't really tell
when they don't like stuff.

They just kind of shut up,
don't they? You...

"You're not happy, are you?"

They'll just hold on
to that stuff, won't they?

You never know
when they're gonna pop off.

I'm saying,
stay clear of the analogies

unless you're
that Canadian guy, Buble.

The rest of us just can't come
up with the right analogies.

Just stick with the simple stuff.

Go up and say what you gotta say
and run away.

I don't think she's gonna like this.

I think I should delete this.

(Click)

All right, gentlemen,

the sound system is working,
and the press is here.

That's terrific.
Thank you, Kyle. Thank you.

(Chuckles)

Mike, thanks a lot

for having Chad over
to your house for dinner.

I would have had him
over to my house,

but I...
Just didn't want to.

Well, you know, once you get
past his screaming, he's, um,

on the borderline of tolerable.

Listen, we're gonna make a fortune

off this screaming lunatic,
I'm telling you.

Hey.

Chad, how you doing?

Hey, Mr. Baxter.
How you doing, sir?

How are you? Uh, what's--
what's--what's wrong with you?

What--what's wrong with him?

W-where's his ridiculous outfit?
Where's that...

If you just give me a minute,
I think I can explain.

Is he going up there sober?
Somebody has to stop him.

Hey, hey, oh, oh, oh.

He's a pro he knows what he's doing.

Kyle!

(Hip-hop music playing)

(Amplified voice)
Sorry. Can we cut the tunes?

(Music stops playing)

Thanks, uh, and thank you,
pieces of bass.

Uh, last night,

I spent an evening
with a wonderful family.

(Camera shutter clicks)
Thanks, Mike--

and, uh, it made me realize
everything I've given up.

Well, no longer. I'm quitting.

(Crowd gasps and murmurs)

'Cause fishing ruins your life.
Mike taught me that.

(Chuckles)

Well, that could not have gone worse.

We're screwed.

Calm down, calm down.

No, not just a little screwed.

I'm talking,
going-through-turkish-customs-

with-a-bag-of-heroin-
taped-to-your-leg screwed.

I mean...

Enough about your stepbrother,
all right?

Look, I'll go in there.
You stand out here.

I'll deal with this kid.

- All right, all right...
- Stay out here.

(Door closes)

(Whistles)

Bravo. Great performance, Broham.

So I guess that wasn't quite
what you were expecting, huh?

Not quite.
I've been in marketing 30 years.

I've never seen
anything go that badly,

and we briefly had
a knife endorsement with O.J.

Look, Mike, I know you're shocked,

but I mean, seeing you
with Vanessa last night--

it really affected me,
man, you know? Like--

you guys are so great together,
it totally got in my brain box.

Well, get this in your brain box.

You signed a contract--
sell fishing gear for us,

doing your persona thing,
not making people think

they want to jump off a cliff
without a parachute.

I just--I want to have what you have.

Why?

Because it...
Seemed really... chill.

You're 23 years old, man.

You get to travel,
do what you love doing,

making a lot of money.
A family can come later.

Really?

Yeah, trust me,
the more money you make,

the more attractive family
you can purchase.

Drop some ka-nowledge on me, Mike.

I mean, how did you know
Vanessa was the one?

How did you know
that this was the woman

you were gonna spend
the rest of your life with?

Well, it's complicated.

I mean, she liked the fact
that I liked to go fish.

You know why?
Because it made me happy,

and that made her happy.

That's what I had with Julia.

Listen, get ahold of Julia.

Why don't you work it out with her?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I m--I could
give that some thought, I guess.

Well, don't think about it now.

Right now we gotta think
about damage control.

This is marketing, dude.
You owe us.

Gotta go down there
and tell everybody down there

they were Bickle'd.

It was a gag, man.
Let's do this.

All right, all right, all right.

You're with me--
you're right, you're right, yeah.

The Bickle's gonna earn his nickel.

That's what I like.

- All right.
- I don't like this part.

I don't like this.
This is not...

Aw, snapper!

Yeah, and let's work on that.

I'll be right down there, all right?

(Exhales deeply) Yeah.

Thanks for taking care of that,
Michael. Thanks.

I promise the next celebrity endorser

will be less high-maintenance.

Yeah. Like we're gonna do that again.

- Uh... Ed.
- Huh?

What did you do?
Did you get somebody else?

Um, I sent you an e-mail.

No, I didn't.

Hmm. Tony?
Meet Mike Baxter.

Hey, Baxie.
Nice to meet you.

Mike Baxter.

Legendary skateboarder Tony Hawk.

Yeah, I know who he is, yeah,

but you know, Ed,
unless there's gun racks on him,

we--we--we don't sell skateboards.

Tony has a great idea
for an indoor skate park.

Where would you put it?

Uh, right downstairs,

but I need some help moving
all that hunting crap first.

He wants to move
all the hunting crap.

Well, I'll let you two talk.
You figure all that out.

Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, we'll figure it out, Ed. Oh, boy.

(Chuckles)

What's the matter?

Oh, I got a little headache, Tony.

You know what's good for headaches?

Let me guess-- skateboarding.

Bingo! I like you, Mike.
Bring it in.

All right. Oh, boy, that's--
hey, all right. There we go.

Who needs a chiropractor?

So wait a second.

You told him he could have it all?

Well, I told him
he should make money now.

Then he can have
an attractive family later.

(Sighs)

Like you did.

I was just starting out.
I had to settle.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.
(Chuckles)

You know what I'm saying kiddo,
a man does need balance.

No matter how much you
love your wife and kids,

there does come a time
you want to get away

and just coat yourself in fish guts.

You know, I've been
thinking about that.

If, after Mandy's graduation,

you still want to go off
with the guys to Kenya,

I'd be fine with that.

I love you so much.

Yeah(Blows kiss) I love you.

See? You're not my anchor.

Yeah right.
I'm--I'm like a sail.

Yeah.

Or one of those--those wonderful
balloons that... is in Napa,

and it floats over the vineyard
while you sip champagne.

Eh, I don't know.
It's not...

Those are actually really noisy
and quite dangerous.

And if were to describe you
like that, it would sound like,

- "my wife is a wrinkly, big bag filled with hot gas."
- Oh, God.