Las Vegas (2003–2008): Season 2, Episode 23 - Magic Carpet Fred - full transcript

Happy customer double $ billionaire Fred Puterbaugh returns to the Montecito announcing he wants to show his gratitude by taking Ed -he's busy, so Danny- shopping, but isn't content handing both 'trinkets' over $100,000, he decides to buy the Montecito... Talented magician Arnold Peters was to be thrown out for passing out fliers 'Ed Deline called me the best', inexact and totally out of context, but proves a great eye by catching on sight a crafty dice-cheater none of the staff was on to. With his honest $1,000 premium he shows apparent sports scores prediction talent, but his winnings get stolen in the hotel complex- Danny goes after the thief and his accomplice, while penniless Arnold gets a shot at two jobs in the Montecino... Sam must deal with a high-profile regular who pays for almost nothing himself but his bets, yet demands 'scam prices' for services to be dealt with ruthlessly..

Seems so cold
in there.

Yeah.

# Say that you want me #

# Yes, say that
you'll never leave me #

# Yes, you gotta tell me
you need me #

# And don't let them
take your love away, yeah ##

That was fantastic.

Thank you. This is actually
the first time...

that I'm gonna be
performing this live...

so I'm a little bit nervous.
You have
nothing to worry about.

Thanks.
Is there anything at all
that you need?



Actually, yeah.

I'm gonna need
a few bottled waters...
Done.

...some towels...
Done.

...and are Ed and Danny
available for a meeting?

Sure. Is anything wrong?

It's for my boyfriend.

Ashanti.
Yes?

Care to join me
in the cuddle tub?

Hello to you, too.
Hello.

Do you know Mary?
Yeah. We met at Mystique.

Maybe you'd like to join us.

# Why don't you join us,
yeah #

# In the Jacuzzi, yeah #

# And don't knock it
till you've tried it ##



I told you,
I don't do that kind of thing.

Well, you know what they say,
honey.

Two's company,
three's a party.

Mike.
Yeah.

Check it out. These two
have been at it
for 20 minutes

in the east elevator.

It's Hot 100 week, man.
Everybody gets their freak on.

Who's switching
the monitors?
I did.

This guy's passing out flyers
in the casino. Get rid of him.

And tell that girl
to keep her clothes on,
will you?

I got the elevator.

Hey.

You remember Fred?
How could I forget?

How are you, Fred?
Great, Mr. Deline.
Great to see you.

Hey, Fred.
Hey, Danny.

Fred here would like to
meet with you guys.

I would love to,
but I gotta run.
Boss' orders. We'll catch up.

I've got a phone call
I have to make, on the phone.

Well?
Well?

Shall we
step into your office?

What brings you back to Vegas?

Ed, comes a time
in a man's life...

when he has to
take stock of what he's done

and what he needs to do.

You need to do
something here?
What I need to do...

is offer appropriate thanks
to you and Danny.

The two people
who not only saved my life...

but made me obscenely rich.

It's just not necessary.
I mean, the fact that we could
turn your life around...

and help you
become a millionaire...

Do not call me a millionaire.
You're not?

No.

I'm a billionaire.

Which means I pretty much
get whatever I want.

But what I want now
is to thank you
in a sincere, heartfelt way.

I'm touched.

All right. Go ahead.

Not here. No.

I want to
take you shopping.

And I'd love to go.

But I'm just jammed
with meetings
for the next few days.

What about Danny?
Danny. Sure, Danny...

He'd love to go.
I'll clear his schedule.
Good.

Well, so I guess
your present will
just have to be a surprise.

Thank you.

New betting service.

Top rates. Top-rate
betting service. Here.
Thank you.

Thanks.

- There he is.
- Yeah, I see him.

Damn it.

It's Mitch.

I lost the guy
that was passing out flyers.
See if you can Video IQ him.

All right, try Craps 39.

Winner, coming up. Six!

Grab your chips.
We're gonna
take a little walk.

Montecito security.
Come on.

I don't know
what this is about,
but you got the wrong guy.

You're not allowed
to distribute flyers
on Montecito property.

But luckily for you,
I'm just gonna
throw you out.

I'm not
distributing flyers.

Well, what're you
gonna believe,
me or your own eyes?

That's a joke.

I'll be on my way.
Ed Deline says
you're the best ever, huh?

You know him?
Do you know him?

I wouldn't say we're close
but he's a hell of a guy.

Come with me.
Ed loves to see
his name in print.

It's gonna be fun.

##

Gotta admit,
quoting you on his flyer...

when you guys
have never even met
takes a lot of balls.

We have met.

Guess you didn't make
much of an impression.

Actually, I did.
It was back in '95.

And I had a gig here,
in the old Lido Lounge.
It was a magic act.

You came down one day

and you saw my
old shirt-off-his-back trick.

You remember?

I used to bring
the mister and missus
up on the stage...

and I'd pull
hubby's shirt off...

while he was talking about
how she didn't marry him
for his money.

You know what?
I do remember.
This guy's pretty good.

You loved it.
You told me.

Pretty good, maybe.

"The best ever,"
highly unlikely.

And if I said anything,
it wasn't
about a betting service.

You know,
you're right.

I went a little overboard
in the creative license
department.

The thing is,
as good a magician as I am...

I'm an even better
sports handicapper.

I gotta tell you, Mr. Deline,
it is a frigging gift.

And I'm just trying to get
a little positive
word-of-mouth out there...

so I can get my service
up on its feet.

Listen, good luck.
Just take it somewhere else.

And please
take my name off this flyer.
Okay.

Jeez, I feel terrible
about this. You know,
I'm gonna do you a favor.

He's gonna
do us a favor.

The guy who's shooting craps
at the table I left
is using loaded dice.

Table 39.

He's still there.

I saw him switch the dice
after he rolled his point.
Very smooth.

Apparently extremely smooth
because none of my people
saw it.

Well, you see,
that is the magician's eye.

You want me to go down
and check it out?
Yeah, go ahead.

No. You're going shopping
with Fred.

What?

Nessa?

45's what we need. 45.

Switch the dice
after this next roll.

45, come on, now. Here we go.

Five. It's a no-field five.

What are you
switching them for?

I had a nice roll going
with the other ones.

You know, it's hard enough
to win around here.

All right,
I know you're ready.

I've got a hot hand.
Everything's going right.

Here we go.
Come on, now, 45.

Seven, seven out.

It's clean.

- Wait, is that his drink?
- Yeah.

He probably didn't want
to have them on him
in case he got stopped.

Ed, they're loaded.

Why am I running?

Mike, the guy with
the buckle and the yahoo tie!
Holding room.

Hey, hey.

Guys, come on.
What?

Take him
to the holding room.

Come on. Hey, come on.

Mr. Deline.
Mr. Avizan, how are you?

Frankly, I'm a little upset.
Why's that?

I really appreciate
you guys comping
my room, food and beverages...

but I don't think

that gives you
the right to rip me off
on the other charges.

What charges?
My wife went to the salon...

for a bikini wax. You know
what they charged her?

$275. What did you do?

Tell them to triple the price
to get back some money?

No, of course not.
Listen, I apologize...

I'll make sure that
all charges are taken away
from your bill.

How's that?

Thank you.
You bet.

And you really should
make sure no one else
is getting ripped off.

Absolutely. And enjoy
the rest of your stay,
won't you?

Ed.

Let me ask you, is $275 a lot
for a bikini wax?

Listen, I got them cuing up
the loaded dice tape.

Back it up five seconds.

Hey.

Detective Cho, how are you?
Ed.

Mike.
Hey, Jenny.

Mike called,
said you got a cheater
in your holding room?

Yeah, right.
We're running the tape
right now.

Right there. See?
He's dropping the loaded dice
into the drink.

Freeze it.
Blow it up 10 fields,
would you?

See them dropping?

I'll get you a copy.
Need anything else?
No. That ought to be enough.

Is Danny around?

Danny is on
a very special assignment.

You need him?
No. Just tell him
I say hi.

Yeah, well, I mean,
what do you want?

Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada?

Fred, this really
isn't necessary.

Danny, what I'm going to
buy you is eons beyond
"isn't necessary."

It's downright extravagant.
Ridiculously extravagant.

That's not always good,
Fred.

Showing gratitude...

for instilling
a sense of purpose
in one's life is bad?

No, showing gratitude
isn't bad,
but taking somebody on a...

Because that is what you did.

Like it or not,
you're my life coach.

Send me in, Life Coach McCoy.

Hey.

A little vino
before we stroll?

No, let's not.
Great.

Arnold,
what are you doing?

Just... Nothing.

Well, thank you.

What's this?

It's the Montecito
reward program.

It's $500 for information...

leading to the arrest
of anyone violating
state gaming laws.

$500?
Well, I doubled it.
It's $1,000.

Mr. Deline,
thank you so much.

I gotta tell you,
this couldn't have come
at a better time.

You can use it
to print up some new flyers.

No. I'm gonna use this
for something
much more urgent.

White Sox-lndians.

A bet?
No, not just a bet.
A lock.

And not a run-of-the-mill
five-star lock...

not the lock of the season,
not the lock of the century.

It's what I call
"the lock with no name."

And that is because
it shows you...

how far ahead
of all the other locks it is.

Well, good luck.

White Sox.
Excuse me?

Let's just say

it has something to do
with day games
following a day off...

on Eastern time...
I'm getting
a little bit of a headache.

I gotta go, okay? Thanks.

You're in for a taste,
my treat.

Yum, yum.

See, I don't care
about your female problems.

I would, however, like you
to get to work on time.

On time.
Okay.

Sam, come here.

What exactly
is a bikini wax
supposed to cost?

That's very metrosexual
of you.

That's not funny.
It's not for me.

It's not for me.
It's for one of your clients,
a Mr. Avizan.

He says that his wife said
we overcharged her. $275?

That does sound high.

He's a pretty serious player,
maybe we should take it
off of his check.

I took care of that already.
But if somebody
is ripping people off...

down at our salon,
I would like
to know about it.

Yeah, of course,
I'm on it.
Okay.

And, Ed,
lots of guys are doing it.

Doing what?
Waxing.

Ed...

Iook what
Fred bought me.

It's beautiful.

Danny's probably
too polite to tell you
how much it cost, so I will.

$186,000.

But you know what I say?
Quality is priceless.

Now, you ready
for your gift?

All the rappers wear them.

It's very nice.
Thank you so much.

Quarter of a million dollars.
But that's not
my real present.

My real present is...

I'm buying the Montecito.

The gift that keeps on giving!

I'm afraid it is possible.

So you're telling me
Fred Puterbaugh
could buy the Montecito hotel?

Net worth
in excess of $2 billion.

You know what this guy had
when he came in here?

I know
he was down on his luck.

$3 and a suicide note.
I mean...

I don't get it. $2 billion.

I mean, that takes
some pretty shrewd investing.

This guy was fired
as a stereo salesman.

He's gotta have some experts
he's working with.

It doesn't matter who he has.
If he gets this joint,
we're in trouble.

Sorry to interrupt.

Mr. D., there's
an Arnold Peters out here,
says he'd like to see you.

Yeah, bring him in.
The flyers guy?

Yeah. He used to do
a magic act here.
He's all right.

Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

You been
watching the results?

No, I'm sorry, I haven't.
This is my associate,
Mike Cannon.

Mike. I gave him
the White Sox,
they come through, big time.

Gentleman that he is,
he doesn't want to
accept the tip...

so I put a little something
down for him.

And here is your cut, $200.

I can't take that.
But...

No, we're not allowed.
That's true.

Oh, jeez.

Well, why give a man a trout
when you can give him
a rod and reel?

Isn't that what they say?

Sounds close enough.

My weekend picks.

P.S., I am all over
the Devil Rays.

Well, this definitely
makes us even.

Hi. Is Polly here?

Hello, Sam.
Hi, Polly.

You want a mani-pedi?
No. Actually, I don't.

There was a little bit
of a complaint.

About me?
Yeah.

One of my clients says
that you overcharged his wife.

I guess
she had a bikini wax.

What name?
Avizan.

She says that
you charged her $275,

and that seemed
a little pricey to me, so...

Sam, you see her before?
No, actually, I've never...

She hairy like man.

I had to go
all the way around the corner,
clean basement.

Have to use a 35 strip,
usually seven.

You see her after?

You know what, Polly?
In fact l...
She looking much more cleaner.

You ask husband,
before and after,
see difference.

Customer not always right.
Calm down for just a second.

All I wanted to know is,
do you think
the charges are fair?

And quite obviously,
you do, so...
No overcharge.

I lift sheet,
look like a jungle.
Polly!

That is a little
too much information.
Okay. I love you.

I love you, too.

He said he had a gun,
I didn't see the gun.

I was not gonna ask
for proof.

He was tall, six,
I don't know.
Maybe as tall as you.

Fellas,
what's the problem here?

Mr. Peters here
is reporting a robbery
on Montecito property.

Mr. Deline, I really
didn't want to bother you
again.

I asked them not to call.

They didn't call.
It's all right, I got it.

So what happened?

I was walking to my car,
$2,000 in my pocket...

The money I won
on the White Sox?

This guy comes up to me,
says he's got a gun.

He takes my cash,
my lucky paperclip,
and one of my Cutie-chums.

I'm not blaming you,
though.

I probably brought this
on myself.

What do you mean?
How'd you do that?

Well, before I left,
I went into one of
the little shops here...

you know, the one
that sells the Cutie-chums.

What the hell
is a Cutie-chum?

The porcelain figurines.

People collect them.
Right.

So, I'm in the store,
I'm talking to this guy...

turns out he's got a friend
who collects Cutie-chums, too.

So you think
this guy robbed you
for this figurine?

I'm telling you,
these collectors...

they see a Cutie-chum
they want, they go postal.

But you know, honestly,
you have done
more than enough already.

I didn't even want
to bother you.

All right, come on,
we'll call the cops.

That's not necessary.

Armed robbery
on Montecito property?
It is necessary.

Please don't.

Why?

Well, because
after the robbery,
I suddenly realized...

that the Cutie-chum
that this guy took...

Wait, do me a favor.

Please don't use the word
"Cutie-chum" again.

Yeah, the porcelain figurine
that this guy took...

might've been fake.
If the robber has a phony...

Trust me on this,
the cops are not interested
in phony Cutie-chums.

What they do care about
is armed robbery,
and so do I.

No.
What?

I'm not proud of this,
but there were
a couple of years...

where I may not have filed
a timely tax return.

A couple of years,
I don't know,
maybe I didn't file at all.

The point is,
I told you about the robbery

so you guys could be
on the lookout.

But frankly,
I'd rather lose the money
than have the cops involved.

All right, we'll look
at some surveillance tape.

Thank you.

And seeing as
how I was robbed here...

maybe you could
loan me a little something

so I can jump
on that Devil Rays situation?

How does "no" sound to you?
No?

Look, I'll put you to work.
If you need the money,
you'll earn it.

Hi.
Hey.

Benito!

Cobb salad to go, please.

And an iced tea.

He isn't supposed
to give away food.

She isn't supposed
to flash him.

I'm just trying
to keep up employee morale.

Why the long faces?

Have you heard about
Fred Puterbaugh?
He's dating Ashanti?

He's buying the Montecito.
He's that rich?

Mike said he's worth,
like, $2 billion.

Great, now I have
to be friendly to Fred.

That's why
I'm a little nervous.

We fired him from his
volunteer bartending position.

He loved that job.

Yeah, well I told him
the only reason
I didn't want him to woo me...

was because
I was a lesbian.

If Fred becomes my boss,
I guarantee you,

he'll return the favor
and fire me.

If he finds out I lied to him,
it's a wrap for me.

It doesn't matter
what you've done in the past.

Men are very simple creatures.

There are very simple ways
to get back
on their good side.

I checked
all available cameras.

The robbery took place
in a blind spot.

Which means,
either this guy knew...

exactly where to do it,
or he just got real lucky.

Tell you what,
check the gift shop
about 2:15...

'cause Arnold said
that he thinks the thief...

might have been tipped off
by a guy he met in there.

There you go.
See what you got on this guy.

Cliff Haner,
Summerlin address.

Hey.

Thanks.

Hi. I talked to the salon
about Mrs. Avizan's charges.

Yeah? Are they legit?
I think so.

Apparently she's
a real Sasquatch
down there.

Just do me a favor,
stop right there.
Thank you. That's enough.

You said
you wanted to know.
That's enough.

Ed.

Did you contact the cops?

No. Arnold doesn't want
to get them involved.

Before you ask,
he has no record.

There's no arrests,
no warrants, nothing.

He's just one of those
gray area kind of guys.

I really think that
we should call the cops.

I told him we wouldn't
and I keep my word.

What do you care, anyway?
You never want to
contact the cops.

I just think that
they could help, that's all.

What's the name of that
new female detective
that took Luis' place?

Jenny Cho.
Jenny Cho.

Very good-looking girl,
no?

Well, look, I'd like
to help your social life
along here...

but I gave him my word,
so why don't you
just try to call her?

Worst that happens, she says
you make her violently ill.

Thanks a lot.

I gotta see
this Cliff Haner
in Summerlin.

All right, well,
thanks for the encouragement,
Ed.

Good morning, angels.

That was amazing,
Freddie.

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

Probably not...

but enjoyable,
nonetheless.

Fred, thank you for making
all of our dreams come true.

I'm just sorry
Mary missed out
on all this.

You know, I actually
feel bad for her.

Mary?

Mary?

Hey.

Fred?

Hi.

Hi. Hi, honey.

Did we wake you?
We were just going over
the details for the show.

We thought
we heard you calling me.

No. I was calling Ashanti.

I just wanted to tell you

I was having a dream
about you, honey.
A nice dream.

How sweet.

Well, the guy
from the gift shop,

Cliff Haner,
his story checks out.

He didn't use his cell phone
and he went
directly to the salon.

Well, there goes
Arnold's theory.

But maybe someone
at the sports book...

saw him collect the $2,000
and then followed him out.

You know, we should have
Arnold take a look
at these tapes.

Where is he?
We got an address?

Yeah, he's here.

He's here? Why?
I gave him a job.

Ed, he was passing out flyers
without our permission.

He was using your name
without authorization.

He didn't have to
turn in that cheat.
So I'm helping him out.

That's right,
every once in a while,

I help out a guy
whether I have to or not.

Listen, call up landscaping,
and see
if they can locate Arnold.

Hey, Arnold.

You know,
your supervisor's saying
you're doing a heck of a job.

Well, I appreciate
the opportunity.

You know, I don't
look down my nose at any job.

And I'm not looking
to cut any corners.

It's like you said,
I'm gonna earn the money,
make that Devil Rays play...

be on my way.
Would you...

mind coming up to the office
with me?

I'd like to show you
some video.

You know, I don't
get a break for another hour.

I run the place.

Of course.
Right.

No, the guy who robbed me
wasn't any of those people.

What about the clerk,
the guy who paid you?

Wasn't him either.
All right, tell you what.

If we find anything out,
we'll let you know.

Happy days.

I guess we'll just have to
ask your girlfriend

if this robbery
fits anybody's M.O.

She's not my girlfriend.

Just don't give her
Arnold's name.
Okay.

Hi, Fred.
Hi, Delinda.

Listen, Fred...

I just wanted you to know

that when we eliminated
your bartending internship...

It wasn't your decision.

You knew?
I figured as much.

Do you think
we have a special connection?

Absolutely.

Me, too.

Give me a hug.

Okay.

Okay, Fred. You know,
I just wanted
to clear the air.

Okay.

Delinda.
Yeah?

You want to see
something really swell?

Fred, if that's
a pick-up line,

it's the worst
I've ever heard.

No, I was talking about...

that fabulous
Pontiac Solstice.

Sam.

Yeah.

Ed Deline told me you spoke
to the woman in the salon.

Yes, I did.

Have you tried
our ice-blended
at Cup-A-Jo's?

It's literally the best thing
I've ever tasted.

No. Did she admit
overcharging my wife?

Yes, she did,
and she's very sorry.

Well, at least
she admitted it.
There you go.

Hey, Fred,
can I see you
a minute please?

Yeah, sure, Mr. D.

Just divide them up.
My treat.

Very nice.

So I was thinking,
if there are
any similar robberies...

that you haven't cleared,
maybe we could
tie them together.

I'll run it.

How have you been?
Good. You?

Good. Thinking about you.

Really?

You don't meet a lot of cops
as beautiful as you.

I've always had a thing
for a girl with a.38
strapped to her thigh.

You want me to frisk you?

Don't even have to
read me my rights.

We got four armed robberies

within two block of your place
in the last year.

All the victims
had just left the Montecito.

Looks like someone's tipping
someone off. I have an idea.

Do you mind
if I use your computer?
Go ahead.

I'm checking Montecito
employees' schedule data.

What were the dates
of the other robberies?

Look at this. Jack Byrum,
the clerk who paid my guy...

was also on duty during
those four other robberies.

Can you get access
to phone records here?

With probable cause.

If Byrum was
tipping people off,

he probably had to
use his cell phone, no?

A hunch isn't probable cause.

Tell you what,
you access those records...

I'll take you to dinner.
Anywhere you'd like.

Is that supposed to
persuade me?

And a suite at the Montecito.

They give you guys passkeys?

Byrum called a Vincent Kamen
on Lone Mountain...

about 10 minutes
before all the robberies.

You want to head out there?

Together?

Hell, yes.

I guess
I owe you a dinner.

Fred, have you
really given a thought
to what's needed...

to run a multi-billion-
dollar business?

I have multi-billions.

No, I know that. But ours is
a very competitive industry.

So do you think that you have
the experience you might need?

Listen, working at
Fido Frank's Stereo Corral
taught me a lot.

A lot.

I'm sure it did.

I can't imagine
you'd want to put
5,000 jobs at risk.

I mean, it'd only take
a little mistake,
you understand that?

Yes. Which is why I've
partnered with some people
who know a lot more than I do.

Maloofs...
Hey.

...this is Ed Deline.

Yes, we know each other,
thanks.

Now, Gavin and Joe run
the Sacramento Kings
and the Palms...

I know that.

Really?
Then what does Phil do?

Phil. He knows
a lot of beautiful women.

You do know Phil.

All these years the Palms
and the Montecito
have been battling it out.

So we finally decided,
if we can't beat them,
buy them.

So you guys are gonna
partner up with Fred here?

Never hurts to go in business
with a deep pockets guy.

Right.
Yeah.
Deep like the Grand Canyon.

Vince?

Who the hell are you?
Danny McCoy
with the Montecito.

I'm not gonna
beat around the bush.

We know you've been in contact
with Jack Byrum.

Get the hell out of here.

We're pretty sure
he's been tipping you off...

when he knows there's
someone with a lot of cash
leaving the sports book.

Here's my proposal:
you tell me
what you know about Jack...

we fire Jack,
there's no police,
no charges brought...

and you get to keep enjoying
this very handsome home.

I don't know
any Jack Byrum.

Most people, right about now,
they'd be saying:

"Get out of here,
I'm gonna call the cops."

But you can't say that,
can you?

I will call the cops,
and I will tell them
everything I know.

They'll pick up Jack
and he'll tell them
everything he knows.

And if you think
Jack isn't gonna rat...
Okay.

Jack would call me
whenever
he made a big payout...

to somebody he thought
might be an easy mark.

But I didn't rob anybody,
man.

Look, I swear.
The only thing I did was
I sell the information.

And then Jack and I,
we'd split the proceeds.

Fair enough.
Yeah?

Vince.

You're under arrest.
Conspiracy to commit robbery.

I lied. Sorry.

Mr. Deline.
How are you?

See, I was right.
That woman in the salon
was overcharging.

Well, I have someone
looking into that.

Yeah, I know, Sam.
She already did.

And she told me
the woman admitted
ripping-off my wife.

Well, if that's what she said.

So I assume
you're gonna fire her.
We'll certainly talk about it.

What, a slap on the wrist?
No.

Look, if this woman
isn't fired,

I won't be coming back
to the Montecito.

And I'll make sure
none of my friends
come back here, either.

Sam?

Did you tell Avizan
that his wife
was being ripped-off?

And why?

Well, I don't care
if it's embarrassing.

The guy's about to badmouth us
to everybody he knows.

So just make it right.
And do it now.

Hey.
Hey.

So the cops
arrested Byrum.

Good. I don't want to see
that rat bastard again.

And we found the guy
that robbed Arnold,
but the money was gone.

That's too bad.

Are you gonna keep him
on in landscaping?

I don't know.

I think he has
a bigger upside there
than he does in handicapping.

The freaking Devil Rays lost.

You bet it?
He picked
the White Sox right?

Danny, come on,
the party's starting.
Come on.

There could be
some security issues, so...

Hey, Mr. Deline.
Don't worry,
I'm not on duty.

No. It's not a problem,
don't worry about it.

Listen, I just came up
with a great idea.

Yeah?
Yeah.

You notice how when people ask
for mustard or ketchup
or steak sauce...

you have to bring
all these bottles
to the table?

Exactly.

What would happen
if you had one holder
for all the bottles?

Listen to this,
you can call it the
"condiment caddy."

I mean, just think
what a great investment
opportunity...

Stop.

You know what
your weekend results were?

No, I haven't had
a chance to look.
How did we do?

All losers.
Every single one of them.

What was your
winning percentage
this entire year?

I want the truth.

48.5.

That's almost as good as
flipping a coin.

I really thought that...

White Sox game was
the turning point, you know?

I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

You're a decent guy.
You're a hard worker,
and you mean well.

But you just have to
learn to focus.

Focus.
You gotta stop
with this handicapping...

and the Cutie-chums,
and this condiment thing.

I don't know
why you gotta mess around
with all that crap...

when you can
really do something very well.

If you're talking
about my act, I told you...

the world of magic
passed me by.

What kind of attitude is that?

From a guy
who can invent a thing

that carries
mustard and ketchup...

while he's sitting here
sipping a beer?

I mean, you could
certainly freshen up
a magic act.

Even if I did,
I just don't think
it's the thing...

No. If you do,
I'll give you a shot,
right here, okay?

You're kidding.
No.

I mean, not the big room,
but the Moonlight Corner,
a couple of shows.

You would really do that?
Yeah.

But I mean, you have to
quit with the Chums...

and the handicapping,
and you must straighten out
your back taxes.

Mr. Deline, I'm telling you...

some of those years,
I think I got a refund coming.

Please.
Right.

So can I start right now?

Yeah, I guess
that could be arranged.

Hello.

Hi, Sam.
You remember my wife, Jackie.

Yes. Hi, how are you?

Remember
when we spoke earlier?
I wasn't completely candid.

How so?
Well...

I said that the salon admitted
to overcharging your wife.

That wasn't completely true.

What, did they deny it?
No.

They just said that
the charges were high

because the process
they had to use...

on your beautiful wife
was particularly...

challenging.

And, I got you those
front row tickets
to Tom Jones. And Jay Leno.

You know, that sounds
like a lot of malarkey.

No. You see,
sometimes hirsute women
have a little extra...

I'm sorry,
what does that mean?

Hairy.

Your wife's got a lot of hair.

Come on, honey,
we're out of here.

Sir, I'm just trying to say
they had to use 35 strips...

And we are not
coming back here.
...instead of the normal...

two strips.

Well, if your wife
was alive...

and she had married you
for your money...

maybe she should
take this, too.

Thank you very much.

I'll be back
with another show
in a few minutes.

I don't know, Mr. Deline.

If the shirt-off-his-back
doesn't get an audience
on its feet...

Arnold, to be honest
with you,
that's the same act...

that I saw 10 years ago.
The same.

I mean, you're a smart guy.
You gotta update.

That's what you gotta do.
You'll be great.

##

Hello.

You look very nice.

Really?
Yeah.

Thank you.

So how's everything
with Jake?

It's good.
Yeah?

Yeah.
Good?

How are things going
with Jenny?

How did you know
about that?

Anyway, nothing's happened.
We haven't even gone out.

Are you gonna?

Go out or...

You know, I feel kind of weird
talking about dating with you,
Mary.

Why do you feel weird...

talking about dating with me?
We're friends, right?

I mean,
that's what friends do.

You know what...

Ashanti.

##

Ashanti...

# Oh, I can't wait
to get next to you #

# Oh, I just can't
leave you alone #

# Boy, you got me doing things
that I would never do #

# And I can't stop the way
I'm feelin' if I wanted to #

# I'm crazy about the way #

# That you could make me
say your name #

# And if I couldn't have you #

# I would probably
go insane cause #

# Only you can
make me feel #

# Only you can
make me feel #

# And only you can
take me there #

# Only you can
take me there #

# And only you can
make me feel #

# Only you only you can
make me feel #

# And only you can
take me there #

# Only you can
take me there #

Great.

# Oh, I can't wait
to get next to you #

# Oh, I just can't
leave you alone #

# Boy, you stay inside my mind
ain't no denyin' that #

# And only you could
do them things #

# That got me comin' back #

# Gotta be the realest thing
that I have ever felt #

Hey.
Hey.

How are you?
Good.

You look fantastic.
Thank you.

Mary, Jake.
Hi.

Jenny.

# Only you can make me feel #

# Only you can make me feel #

# And only you can
take me there #

# Only you can
take me there #

# And only you can
make me feel #

# Only you can
make me feel #

If your husband
only married you
for his money,

maybe he'd like this,
too.

# Crazy 'bout
the way you feel #

# I just gotta have you here #

# And I wanna let you know #

# I wont ever let you go #

# I can't wait to
get next to you #

# Oh, I just can't
leave you alone ##