Las Vegas (2003–2008): Season 2, Episode 1 - Have You Ever Seen the Rain? - full transcript
Hey, come here!
Harry.
Yeah?
What time is it?
Oh, well, it's...
I got you.
Oh.
So the embalming fluid's
spraying
all over the mortuary...
and the body
slides off the table
onto my new assistant...
who starts screaming that
the dead guy's got a woody
and is trying to do her.
...a bigger closet.
Despite their money
and willingness
to part with it...
the morticians
are creeping me out.
At least you don't have
a ballroom full of coffins.
How much are they worth?
Dirk is worth $50 mil.
He's got the largest string
of funeral homes
in North America...
and he's getting richer
by the minute because
people are dying to see him.
Don't give up
your day job.
Get it? It's funny.
Ever done it in a coffin?
It was only once.
I think they're kind of sexy.
Yes, and they're used
to dealing with dead people...
so sex with you
wouldn't be a disappointment.
That was very funny.
I'm on fire today.
That was funny.
You laughed.
You seeing this?
It's amazing.
$50, dark shirt.
What have we got
goin' tonight, boys?
Quite possibly
the two stupidest people
on the planet Earth.
Dumb and Dumber.
We would have had a security
escort them out...
but we got
a little side bet going on:
Which one is stupider.
Yeah, so who's winnin'?
You tell us.
It looks like a dead heat.
Well, here's the problem.
Just for fun,
we ran a check on 'em.
They don't exist.
There's nothin' on 'em?
I mean,
there's no job history...
no driver's license numbers,
nothin'?
I'm pretty sure they're
too stupid to hold down jobs
or pass a driving test.
Actually, there is no law
against being stupid...
or pickin' your nose
in public.
But even the dumbest guy
in the world...
has to have some kind
of public history...
we should be able
to look up, no?
Here we go again.
Wait a minute, this guy's got
some kind of a skin irritation
or somethin'.
Push in on his arm
whatever you can.
Blow it up.
Looks like something's
embedded under the skin.
Give me thermal and infrared.
Whatever it is,
it's synthetic
and generating heat.
We got a third party
joining 'em.
Putting it on the screen now.
I told you to meet me
in Las Vegas.
But we are in Las Vegas.
Las Vegas, New Mexico,
you idiots.
Whoops.
Whoops.
It looks like some kind
of scanning device.
We got nothin'
on the third party.
Apparently, he doesn't exist,
either.
What are the chances
of three non-existent guys...
showing up at my casino
at the same time?
Not real good.
Not real good.
What the...
One second.
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?
Are you on leave?
Discharged.
You're discharged?
There's the winner!
When did you get back?
God, I missed you.
Turning over chip thief
to Metro.
Hey!
Hey, what's up, man?
How you doin'?
How come you didn't call?
I missed you.
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming?
You got a haircut.
Why don't we give the boy
some air here?
Why doesn't everybody
go back to work...
and we can all catch up
with each other later?
It's really good
to see you, Danny.
You look great.
All right,
I'll catch up with you later.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, man.
I knew you'd be okay.
We missed you.
Will you have dinner with me
tonight?
Of course.
I get off at 10:00.
10:00 it is.
Looks like you guys
have gotten pretty slack
since I've been gone.
What?
Yeah, I would've...
I would've spotted
that chip thief
before he made his play
for the chips.
So how'd it go, man?
Let's just say, I did
what they needed me to do...
and now they don't need me
anymore.
You guys made some changes
around here.
You know, Vegas,
always reinventin' itself.
So you all ready
to go back to work?
That's why I'm here.
Listen, why don't...
You should take off
for a little while and relax.
I'd rather work.
If you ever need to,
you know, talk to someone...
Nothin' to talk about.
US forces were attacked
for a third straight day...
raising the death toll
once again.
Mr. Deline.
Welcome home.
It's good to be home,
Mitch.
Your car keys.
Thanks for
watching after my car, Mikey.
My pleasure.
Except I still think
you need to install
some antilock brakes.
So who's the new guy?
This is Leo.
He's been helping out
since you left.
Danny McCoy.
Leo Broder.
Welcome aboard.
And I guess welcome back
would be appropriate.
Thank you.
It's good to be back.
What? Are you trying
to replace me?
What are you talkin' about?
Leo? No. I just need
a little extra help,
that's all.
What the hell's
the matter with you?
I'm just kiddin'.
Goof.
So...
What?
What have we got?
We got a couple of idiots.
Yeah, and one of them
has got something embedded
under his skin.
A cheating device?
Neither one has even
come close to gambling
since they've been here.
The thing is,
the couple of them there,
I don't think
they're capable of cheating.
The third one, he could be.
Mitch, enhance
that thermal image for me.
You got it.
Give me
a color shift on his body.
Cool it down.
Change the color spectrum.
And that, ladies,
is a serial number.
Nice. My boy's still got it.
Run that serial number
through everything
we got there, Leo...
and then post these three guys
with Metro, FBI,
Homeland Security.
Maybe we'll get lucky
with somethin'.
So Dirk
and the morticians...
would like to rent out
Mystique for their
end-of-convention party.
We hear
it's the hottest club
in town.
It is, but it won't be
if I rent it to you.
No offense.
We're not offended.
We hear it all the time.
People find out
what we do for a living...
and all of a sudden
a root canal
sounds like fun.
You won't believe
how many women change
their phone numbers on us.
Change their phone numbers?
I've had them
change their addresses...
their medical history,
and their sexual orientation.
Ouch.
Look, they're pathetic.
It's one night. Work it out.
Not gonna happen.
Okay, she says
she can't wait
for it to happen.
He's on a Homeland Security
watch list.
Along with about
10 million other people.
Name's Marcus Dixon.
He's wanted for questioning,
along with his cousins
Harry and Tom.
They're brothers
wanted for questioning...
regarding the whereabouts
of their cousin Marcus.
Mitch, call up
whoever the hell
we're supposed to call...
and tell 'em
we got the three of them here.
All right.
This is
a secondary watch list...
which means these guys
aren't a priority.
I know,
but they're gonna want us
to keep an eye on 'em...
until they have the time
to send someone over here.
Leo, call up Nessa.
Tell her to flag
the three of them. Danny...
you take a walk
around the casino...
and see if you can figure out
what they're up to.
And Mike...
rig up a couple mikes...
and see if we can get
a little sound, all right?
I've been itching to try out
my new mini-mikes.
If you're careful...
you can plant 'em on a suspect
without their knowledge.
You could plant trees
on these idiots
without their knowledge.
Nessa, it's Leo.
Hi, Leo.
I want you to keep an eye
on a couple of guys.
I'm shooting their picture
to you now.
Okay.
Did somebody dip you guys
in dum-dum sauce?
So how long has Leo
been workin' here?
Ed brought him in
right after you left.
Right after I left?
He's a good guy.
Everybody likes him.
Especially the ladies,
if you know what I mean.
I do not want morticians
in Mystique.
Okay, so I'm going
over your head on this one.
So how's Mary been?
Good.
Luis?
Man, don't take me back
to junior high with you.
Mary's been true blue,
like always.
So where did they ship you to?
Iraq? Afghanistan?
It's classified.
It itches all the time.
Yeah, well,
it won't itch much longer.
Really? Cool.
How come it won't itch
much longer?
'Cause I'm going
to cut the itch out.
What do you mean
cut the itch out?
Sorry about that.
You wanna go speak
to your father about it?
You totally went
behind my back.
Daddy, Sam's having
a little problem with
the funeral home directors.
Ed, Delinda is having
a big problem...
and it might stem
from the fact that
she once did it in a coffin.
Excuse me?
Sam's just trying
to be funny.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
It'll be bad for business
if these morticians
have their party in Mystique.
What are you talking about?
Yes, it will.
He's worth $50 million.
Have you ever had...
I don't care.
All you care about is money!
I don't care.
Excuse me!
Can you guys
kind of settle this
amongst yourselves?
I got nothin' to do with this.
If it were anyone
other than your daughter...
who just happens
to control the location...
that my clients wish
to throw their very expensive
closing party at...
then maybe we could.
You know how fickle
this town is with restaurants
and clubs, Daddy.
I mean, one night
you're the toast of the town,
and the next night
you're dead.
No pun intended.
Listen, sweetheart,
I do think you're being
unreasonable here.
I mean, it is Vegas...
and people really don't care
what other people do
for a living.
Unreasonable?
No one calls you unreasonable
when you skip town
during the clown convention.
No, that's different.
Whatever.
It is completely abnormal...
for grown men to paint smiles
and frowns on their faces
with bright colors.
You know, Daddy,
one would've thought...
that the CIA
might have diagnosed...
your coulrophobia
and done something about it.
So, you have
a little problem with clowns,
big guy?
Shut up.
Delinda, give them Mystique
for the party, will you?
Delinda.
But...
Give them Mystique.
Delinda.
Shut up.
Give them Mystique.
Hey, Leo.
Hello, Delinda.
We got mikes in place, Mr. D.
I don't think
I can wait until dinner.
You can't?
I need to be with you now.
Meet me at my place.
Okay.
Bringing up sound now.
...crazy.
It'll hurt if you cut the itch
outta my arm.
Come on.
Quit being
such a cry-baby whiner.
Who are you calling
a cry-baby whiner?
You!
Can you do me
a favor and act...
Bingo!
He has a series of microchips
embedded under his skin.
An extremely complex series.
This is not
your everyday pet implant
for identification.
They probably
plan to use it
for video poker
or slot manipulation
or something.
That'd be my guess.
He's making a run for it.
Hey.
Where'd he go?
Ow, ow, ow.
You and me
have to have a little talk.
Mary, I don't...
Hey, you are my best friend
in the world...
and I don't wanna lose that.
What happened between us
the night you left
was beautiful.
I'm not holding you
to anything.
I'm not. I'm a big girl.
I knew what I was doing,
and I knew the consequences.
And I'm fine...
with everything
that happened...
and I would do it again
in the same situation.
Danny, you can't
just sleep with me
and then...
Mary Connell...
will you marry me?
And what did he say?
"Will you marry me?"
And what did you say?
I didn't know
what to say.
So you didn't answer him?
All I know is that
he wants to get married
right away.
He said something about
moving to Tahoe.
Tahoe?
Starting a family.
A family?
You'd leave Vegas?
I didn't even say yes yet.
So does that mean
you're gonna marry him or not?
Of course
she's gonna marry him.
You'll marry him.
We are going to throw you
the biggest wedding
Vegas has ever seen.
But the most important
question is:
Who's going to be
your maid of honor?
You know, it's funny.
It was right after one of
my special assignments...
that I came home
and asked Jillian
to marry me.
Really?
Yeah. I'd been
in a few mixes...
but this one
was a little different.
I mean, we were cooked.
No backup that we knew of.
I remember it
being the first time...
that my life actually flashed
before my eyes.
And it was a life that,
you know,
just didn't include Jillian.
T. McCoy!
So I swore right then...
if God, or whoever,
pulled me
out of this thing alive...
the first thing
I was going to do
when I got back...
was ask Jillian to marry me.
And, by God, I did.
Hey, guys.
Wow, this is
just like the bridge
on the Starship Enterprise.
Actually, were the Enterprise
not fictitious, we'd still be
three times as large.
I rigged up something
a little special
to tap into Harry's arm.
It's not gonna hurt, is it?
Hey, there's Marcus and Tom.
Harry, let me see
your arm there.
Putting it on screen now.
Most embedded microchips
have magnetic coils
that activate when scanned...
but this thing
has its own power source.
Looks like
some kind of a code.
Yeah, it is.
Mike, break it.
Mr. D, I can do
a lot of things...
breaking codes
is not one of them.
Sam!
But I thought
this was what you wanted?
Yeah, I do. It's just...
It's cold feet, that's all.
No, something is not right.
All right,
watch the drinkin'.
Promise?
Sam, hold it right there.
Samantha Jane.
It's just a few coffins.
A few coffins?
Mystique looks like
a graveyard.
Don't get your panties
in a wad.
It's gonna be fine.
For your information,
I'm not wearing any panties.
And you feel the need
to broadcast that to everyone?
This is not funny.
You wanna give me a break?
It's 500 degrees.
I'm in wool pants.
Sweat is dripping down
the back of my thighs.
Me, too.
Listen, the boys need to
put their coffins in Mystique
in case the IRS audits them.
Mary, she filled Mystique
with coffins.
Good, you finally got them
out of my ballroom.
You, I like.
We are not through, missy.
You okay?
Yeah, fine.
Just have to change for work.
It's the one
above the elevator.
Fourteen.
Damn, I lost them.
Maybe if you
kept your eyes on the suspects
rather than Delinda...
Well, you gotta admit
she's kind of hard
to keep your eyes off of.
Let me give you
a word of advice.
Ed takes losing suspects
very serious.
But he takes his daughter
even more serious.
Believe me, I know.
Mitch, back it up
to the last known location
of these suspects.
All right. Fast-forward.
More.
All right, stop.
They disappear
in the oversized parking lot.
Pull up the cameras from
the north and south exits.
You know, Mar...
I have to be honest
with you.
I never thought I'd be,
but I'm kind of jealous.
Last night
must have been beautiful.
Actually, he ran off...
right after he asked me
to marry him.
You mean,
you guys didn't...
No.
That's kind of weird,
considering where he's been.
I mean, you'd think
that'd be the first thing
he'd wanna do.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, she should be
coming back any minute!
I can't believe
I'm saying this...
but I'm not sure
about this wedding thing.
Mary, everyone in Vegas knows
you two
are meant to be together.
Thank you,
but I'm starting
to have my doubts.
Mary, you and Danny
have been best friends
since you were two.
Yeah, best friends.
And lovers...
twice.
And both times
it was the night
before he shipped out.
Take it as a compliment.
He wanted to spend
his last night with you
both times.
But he didn't want
to be with me
on his first night back.
Whenever my father came back
from one of his assignments...
my mom and I always tried
to give him some space
so he could adjust.
One day
they're getting shot at
and their friends killed...
and the next day
they're back home...
and they're supposed
to act normal.
Well, I guess that's the part
that worries me.
When he gets back to normal...
Is he still gonna want
to marry me?
These number sequences
are a code.
We already know that, Mike.
No, I mean it's a code
to break codes.
It deciphers ciphers.
This is one big bad mother
just waitin'
for somethin' to eat.
No wonder Homeland Security
wanted Marcus for questioning.
This microchip can decode
any encryption.
That's how Marcus was able
to make him
and his two cousins not exist.
He decoded
all their information files,
then erased everything.
That would make every code
in the world vulnerable.
Selling this chip
to the highest bidder...
on the open market
would bring in...
a lot of money.
Well, maybe they're here
to meet potential buyers?
What?
What did your cousin Marcus
plan on doing with that chip?
He plans
on cutting it out of my arm
so it won't itch anymore.
Why do you think
I ran away from him?
Marcus sounds like
a real nice cousin.
The best.
Hey, how did you
get that chip in your arm?
Me, Tom, and Marcus
were drinkin' beers
one night...
and when I woke up
in the mornin', my arm itched.
Marcus obviously slipped it
into his arm
while he was passed out.
Why are you here
at the Montecito?
Actually, we're in
the wrong Las Vegas.
Is it always this cold
in here?
Could someone please
get him a sweatshirt?
What do you mean
that you're in
the wrong Las Vegas?
We were supposed to
meet Marcus in Las Vegas,
New Mexico.
Las Vegas, New Mexico
is near Los Alamos.
The government lab.
What's Los Alamos?
Here.
Cool. A Montecito sweatshirt.
I wanted to buy one of these,
but Marcus wouldn't let me.
Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?
If you were supposed to be
in Las Vegas, New Mexico,
what are you doing here?
When Marcus said to meet him
in Las Vegas...
me and Tom just thought
he meant here.
Last night was just
a little weird, Danny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about
runnin' off like that.
It kinda made me think
you don't really
wanna marry me.
I've had a lot of time
to think about this...
and if there's anything
that you realize
when bullets are flying...
it's that life is short.
I want this.
Maybe we should wait.
I thought you loved me.
Oh, God, I do.
Then what's the problem?
I just...
What?
I love you.
And I wanna marry you,
and I wanna have
lots of babies with you...
just like you always wanted.
The house with the pool,
the white picket fence,
the Sunday dinners.
I want it all, okay?
Yeah.
All right, I gotta go.
They have to be hiding
in one of the RVs.
There must be hundreds of them
down there.
More like thousands.
I really have to use
the bathroom.
It's around the corner.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
I have to pee.
Leo, keep an eye on him,
will you?
Thank you.
Party time.
The microchip
has been activated.
T. McCoy!
We're being overrun!
How many security teams
do we have out there
searching the lot?
Six teams of two
going door-to-door.
Expand it to ten teams
of four.
Danny, half the owners
aren't in their RV. They're
in the casino, gambling.
Just do it!
No more coffee for you.
You know the routine,
Harry.
Don't touch that!
Sorry.
Mitch, get this guy
back in holding.
Maybe
he was just a little nervous
about askin' you to marry him.
Something is wrong, Ed.
He just needs a little time,
that's all. Just some time.
It's not the Danny I know.
No, it's not.
What happened to him
over there?
I don't know.
Who loves you, boys?
Come on, D. Mystique's
never looked better.
You're so dead.
What I don't get is
why anyone would trust
a complete idiot...
with something so valuable
as this microchip.
Yeah, I've been wondering
the same thing, Mike.
Unless it's what they say,
"Blood is thicker than water."
They also say,
"Stupid is as stupid does."
I'm just not so sure
how stupid they really are.
T. McCoy!
Hey, Mitch.
How long has he been
standing there?
All day.
I just found out
he's been working
since he got in last night.
Go see what Harry wants.
Hey, Danny.
Ed.
How long has it been
since you slept?
Sleep's overrated.
Yeah.
How long have you been
forcing yourself
to stay awake?
I got to tell you,
I knew where you were.
I've always known
exactly where you were.
And I also know that
you're gonna get nominated
for a Silver Star.
So congratulations, man.
I don't wanna talk about it.
All right, well,
you need some sleep, man.
No, I'm fine.
You are not fine.
I'm fine.
You are not fine.
Now if you're not
gonna go home,
let me get you a suite.
And I'm gonna make a call...
make an appointment
for you to talk to someone.
I'm not gonna talk to anybody.
I'm not talking to anybody.
Forget about it.
Okay. Let's get some sleep.
Let's get some sleep
and we'll chat later. Come on.
Ed, Harry here says
he needs to talk to you.
He says it's important.
Ed, on a hunch, I ran
the three through last year's
video IQ playback...
I'm sorry. Look at that.
I'm...
The auction will commence
with an opening bid
of $10 million.
The winning bidder
will receive the download...
once the funds
are wired to my account.
You all right, man?
Yeah, Ed.
I just thought it was...
We got nothin' on Marcus
from the past year...
but Cousin Tom
isn't so stupid.
He's been here 11 times
in the last three months.
Eleven times?
If you weren't watching
surveillance and security...
I'd say he's casing the place.
Wait a second.
Listen, this guy's
not casing the place,
he's casin' us.
He's checkin' out our routine
to see what it takes...
to have a guy brought up here
in the surveillance area.
Ed, these names and numbers
flying by...
are all the bank account
and credit card numbers
the Montecito has on file.
Every guest
who's ever stayed here.
This is all
their personal information.
Someone's breaking
our security codes and
accessing them as we speak.
This whole Dumb and Dumber thing
is a scam.
A Trojan horse.
They knew
if they did anything illegal,
we'd arrest them...
but playing dumb
would get our attention.
And the microchip
would raise
enough suspicion...
for us to bring him
into the surveillance room.
Where's the microchip?
Where's the microchip?
Danny.
Ed, we have no control
over our computers.
We've been overridden.
That's why the microchip
has its own power source.
Listen to me.
You're gonna talk,
or I'm gonna beat
the dumb back into you.
Once the chip is in place,
it can only be accessed
externally.
Ed, this chip
is not just a microchip,
it's a transmitter.
That means
I can use the transmitter
to find them.
Where's Danny?
Mitch, call the girls
and tell them to find Danny.
Danny.
Hey, baby.
I'm going to take you upstairs
to a suite.
Let's get married right now.
We can talk about that later.
All right?
Okay? Right now
you need to sleep.
Let's forget about the sleep.
Let's just do it.
Let's just go and get married.
You're gonna need sleep.
I'm not sleeping!
They're holding
an online auction...
selling
the identities and numbers
to the highest bidders.
By my estimation,
considering the massive size
of the encrypted files...
we have less than five minutes
before the download
is complete.
I'll meet you
in the parking lot.
Got you.
What the hell happened here?
Ed, I'm really worried.
When I told Danny that
I wouldn't marry him right now
and that he needed sleep...
he flipped out.
Don't worry, Ed.
Metro will pick up Danny.
You can't miss that car.
Less than a minute.
All right,
let's take them down.
They found us. They found us.
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!
Ed, I'm going around front.
Hey, man.
Download complete in 10...
Well, when am I gonna get
to hit a bad guy?
You like that?
I'm gonna kill her.
She's just doing her job, D.
That's right. Come on.
Hi.
Are you drunk?
No. I love you guys.
I'm just trying
to win a little bet.
I just won the bet.
Okay, I don't even
wanna know...
Delinda Deline?
Hi, I'm Delinda.
Hi, I'm Jerry Meyers.
Thank you.
I'm so, so sorry
you have to see this.
Mystique is usually
not like this.
No. It's quite all right.
I represent the Proctologists'
Association of America.
We're having our convention,
and we heard
about this incredible party...
that you're throwing for
the funeral home directors.
So I wanted to check it out...
because this is exactly
what we're looking...
No, this is
a one-time deal only.
Whatever they paid,
we'll double it.
Excuse me? I'm Sam.
Hi, Sam.
Back off.
Give us a little hug.
Harry had me fooled.
I thought he was an idiot.
Ed, I called all over.
I can't find Danny anywhere.
Check with his dad?
Yeah, his dad didn't even know
he was back.
I talked to his neighbors.
They haven't seen him.
He hasn't been home.
Get out an APB
and then check
every hotel, motel...
every flophouse in this city.
All right?
Excuse me.
Thanks a lot, Bob.
I appreciate it.
Listen, I really think
you should wait out here.
Danny?
You havin' a party?
Just me.
Well, you're supposed to
be sleepin'.
I don't...
I don't sleep anymore.
Hey...
I'm just gonna
turn this light on over here,
okay?
No, leave it off.
How about...
I just sit down
so we can talk?
It sometimes
feels a little better...
if you talk about it
with someone who's been there.
There's nothin' to talk about.
You need some sleep.
I told you
that I don't sleep anymore.
Why?
Because there's nobody left
to watch my back.
They're all dead.
Every single one of them.
I know.
I had to call in
an air strike...
right on top of us.
You had no choice, Danny.
I mean...
you were being overrun...
and you absolutely
had no choice at all.
Why don't you
just go and take a shower
and clean yourself up?
Did you ever have to do
what I had to do?
Yeah, I did.
Danny.
I'll watch your back, son.
Ow!
Harry.
Yeah?
What time is it?
Oh, well, it's...
I got you.
Oh.
So the embalming fluid's
spraying
all over the mortuary...
and the body
slides off the table
onto my new assistant...
who starts screaming that
the dead guy's got a woody
and is trying to do her.
...a bigger closet.
Despite their money
and willingness
to part with it...
the morticians
are creeping me out.
At least you don't have
a ballroom full of coffins.
How much are they worth?
Dirk is worth $50 mil.
He's got the largest string
of funeral homes
in North America...
and he's getting richer
by the minute because
people are dying to see him.
Don't give up
your day job.
Get it? It's funny.
Ever done it in a coffin?
It was only once.
I think they're kind of sexy.
Yes, and they're used
to dealing with dead people...
so sex with you
wouldn't be a disappointment.
That was very funny.
I'm on fire today.
That was funny.
You laughed.
You seeing this?
It's amazing.
$50, dark shirt.
What have we got
goin' tonight, boys?
Quite possibly
the two stupidest people
on the planet Earth.
Dumb and Dumber.
We would have had a security
escort them out...
but we got
a little side bet going on:
Which one is stupider.
Yeah, so who's winnin'?
You tell us.
It looks like a dead heat.
Well, here's the problem.
Just for fun,
we ran a check on 'em.
They don't exist.
There's nothin' on 'em?
I mean,
there's no job history...
no driver's license numbers,
nothin'?
I'm pretty sure they're
too stupid to hold down jobs
or pass a driving test.
Actually, there is no law
against being stupid...
or pickin' your nose
in public.
But even the dumbest guy
in the world...
has to have some kind
of public history...
we should be able
to look up, no?
Here we go again.
Wait a minute, this guy's got
some kind of a skin irritation
or somethin'.
Push in on his arm
whatever you can.
Blow it up.
Looks like something's
embedded under the skin.
Give me thermal and infrared.
Whatever it is,
it's synthetic
and generating heat.
We got a third party
joining 'em.
Putting it on the screen now.
I told you to meet me
in Las Vegas.
But we are in Las Vegas.
Las Vegas, New Mexico,
you idiots.
Whoops.
Whoops.
It looks like some kind
of scanning device.
We got nothin'
on the third party.
Apparently, he doesn't exist,
either.
What are the chances
of three non-existent guys...
showing up at my casino
at the same time?
Not real good.
Not real good.
What the...
One second.
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?
Are you on leave?
Discharged.
You're discharged?
There's the winner!
When did you get back?
God, I missed you.
Turning over chip thief
to Metro.
Hey!
Hey, what's up, man?
How you doin'?
How come you didn't call?
I missed you.
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming?
You got a haircut.
Why don't we give the boy
some air here?
Why doesn't everybody
go back to work...
and we can all catch up
with each other later?
It's really good
to see you, Danny.
You look great.
All right,
I'll catch up with you later.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, man.
I knew you'd be okay.
We missed you.
Will you have dinner with me
tonight?
Of course.
I get off at 10:00.
10:00 it is.
Looks like you guys
have gotten pretty slack
since I've been gone.
What?
Yeah, I would've...
I would've spotted
that chip thief
before he made his play
for the chips.
So how'd it go, man?
Let's just say, I did
what they needed me to do...
and now they don't need me
anymore.
You guys made some changes
around here.
You know, Vegas,
always reinventin' itself.
So you all ready
to go back to work?
That's why I'm here.
Listen, why don't...
You should take off
for a little while and relax.
I'd rather work.
If you ever need to,
you know, talk to someone...
Nothin' to talk about.
US forces were attacked
for a third straight day...
raising the death toll
once again.
Mr. Deline.
Welcome home.
It's good to be home,
Mitch.
Your car keys.
Thanks for
watching after my car, Mikey.
My pleasure.
Except I still think
you need to install
some antilock brakes.
So who's the new guy?
This is Leo.
He's been helping out
since you left.
Danny McCoy.
Leo Broder.
Welcome aboard.
And I guess welcome back
would be appropriate.
Thank you.
It's good to be back.
What? Are you trying
to replace me?
What are you talkin' about?
Leo? No. I just need
a little extra help,
that's all.
What the hell's
the matter with you?
I'm just kiddin'.
Goof.
So...
What?
What have we got?
We got a couple of idiots.
Yeah, and one of them
has got something embedded
under his skin.
A cheating device?
Neither one has even
come close to gambling
since they've been here.
The thing is,
the couple of them there,
I don't think
they're capable of cheating.
The third one, he could be.
Mitch, enhance
that thermal image for me.
You got it.
Give me
a color shift on his body.
Cool it down.
Change the color spectrum.
And that, ladies,
is a serial number.
Nice. My boy's still got it.
Run that serial number
through everything
we got there, Leo...
and then post these three guys
with Metro, FBI,
Homeland Security.
Maybe we'll get lucky
with somethin'.
So Dirk
and the morticians...
would like to rent out
Mystique for their
end-of-convention party.
We hear
it's the hottest club
in town.
It is, but it won't be
if I rent it to you.
No offense.
We're not offended.
We hear it all the time.
People find out
what we do for a living...
and all of a sudden
a root canal
sounds like fun.
You won't believe
how many women change
their phone numbers on us.
Change their phone numbers?
I've had them
change their addresses...
their medical history,
and their sexual orientation.
Ouch.
Look, they're pathetic.
It's one night. Work it out.
Not gonna happen.
Okay, she says
she can't wait
for it to happen.
He's on a Homeland Security
watch list.
Along with about
10 million other people.
Name's Marcus Dixon.
He's wanted for questioning,
along with his cousins
Harry and Tom.
They're brothers
wanted for questioning...
regarding the whereabouts
of their cousin Marcus.
Mitch, call up
whoever the hell
we're supposed to call...
and tell 'em
we got the three of them here.
All right.
This is
a secondary watch list...
which means these guys
aren't a priority.
I know,
but they're gonna want us
to keep an eye on 'em...
until they have the time
to send someone over here.
Leo, call up Nessa.
Tell her to flag
the three of them. Danny...
you take a walk
around the casino...
and see if you can figure out
what they're up to.
And Mike...
rig up a couple mikes...
and see if we can get
a little sound, all right?
I've been itching to try out
my new mini-mikes.
If you're careful...
you can plant 'em on a suspect
without their knowledge.
You could plant trees
on these idiots
without their knowledge.
Nessa, it's Leo.
Hi, Leo.
I want you to keep an eye
on a couple of guys.
I'm shooting their picture
to you now.
Okay.
Did somebody dip you guys
in dum-dum sauce?
So how long has Leo
been workin' here?
Ed brought him in
right after you left.
Right after I left?
He's a good guy.
Everybody likes him.
Especially the ladies,
if you know what I mean.
I do not want morticians
in Mystique.
Okay, so I'm going
over your head on this one.
So how's Mary been?
Good.
Luis?
Man, don't take me back
to junior high with you.
Mary's been true blue,
like always.
So where did they ship you to?
Iraq? Afghanistan?
It's classified.
It itches all the time.
Yeah, well,
it won't itch much longer.
Really? Cool.
How come it won't itch
much longer?
'Cause I'm going
to cut the itch out.
What do you mean
cut the itch out?
Sorry about that.
You wanna go speak
to your father about it?
You totally went
behind my back.
Daddy, Sam's having
a little problem with
the funeral home directors.
Ed, Delinda is having
a big problem...
and it might stem
from the fact that
she once did it in a coffin.
Excuse me?
Sam's just trying
to be funny.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
It'll be bad for business
if these morticians
have their party in Mystique.
What are you talking about?
Yes, it will.
He's worth $50 million.
Have you ever had...
I don't care.
All you care about is money!
I don't care.
Excuse me!
Can you guys
kind of settle this
amongst yourselves?
I got nothin' to do with this.
If it were anyone
other than your daughter...
who just happens
to control the location...
that my clients wish
to throw their very expensive
closing party at...
then maybe we could.
You know how fickle
this town is with restaurants
and clubs, Daddy.
I mean, one night
you're the toast of the town,
and the next night
you're dead.
No pun intended.
Listen, sweetheart,
I do think you're being
unreasonable here.
I mean, it is Vegas...
and people really don't care
what other people do
for a living.
Unreasonable?
No one calls you unreasonable
when you skip town
during the clown convention.
No, that's different.
Whatever.
It is completely abnormal...
for grown men to paint smiles
and frowns on their faces
with bright colors.
You know, Daddy,
one would've thought...
that the CIA
might have diagnosed...
your coulrophobia
and done something about it.
So, you have
a little problem with clowns,
big guy?
Shut up.
Delinda, give them Mystique
for the party, will you?
Delinda.
But...
Give them Mystique.
Delinda.
Shut up.
Give them Mystique.
Hey, Leo.
Hello, Delinda.
We got mikes in place, Mr. D.
I don't think
I can wait until dinner.
You can't?
I need to be with you now.
Meet me at my place.
Okay.
Bringing up sound now.
...crazy.
It'll hurt if you cut the itch
outta my arm.
Come on.
Quit being
such a cry-baby whiner.
Who are you calling
a cry-baby whiner?
You!
Can you do me
a favor and act...
Bingo!
He has a series of microchips
embedded under his skin.
An extremely complex series.
This is not
your everyday pet implant
for identification.
They probably
plan to use it
for video poker
or slot manipulation
or something.
That'd be my guess.
He's making a run for it.
Hey.
Where'd he go?
Ow, ow, ow.
You and me
have to have a little talk.
Mary, I don't...
Hey, you are my best friend
in the world...
and I don't wanna lose that.
What happened between us
the night you left
was beautiful.
I'm not holding you
to anything.
I'm not. I'm a big girl.
I knew what I was doing,
and I knew the consequences.
And I'm fine...
with everything
that happened...
and I would do it again
in the same situation.
Danny, you can't
just sleep with me
and then...
Mary Connell...
will you marry me?
And what did he say?
"Will you marry me?"
And what did you say?
I didn't know
what to say.
So you didn't answer him?
All I know is that
he wants to get married
right away.
He said something about
moving to Tahoe.
Tahoe?
Starting a family.
A family?
You'd leave Vegas?
I didn't even say yes yet.
So does that mean
you're gonna marry him or not?
Of course
she's gonna marry him.
You'll marry him.
We are going to throw you
the biggest wedding
Vegas has ever seen.
But the most important
question is:
Who's going to be
your maid of honor?
You know, it's funny.
It was right after one of
my special assignments...
that I came home
and asked Jillian
to marry me.
Really?
Yeah. I'd been
in a few mixes...
but this one
was a little different.
I mean, we were cooked.
No backup that we knew of.
I remember it
being the first time...
that my life actually flashed
before my eyes.
And it was a life that,
you know,
just didn't include Jillian.
T. McCoy!
So I swore right then...
if God, or whoever,
pulled me
out of this thing alive...
the first thing
I was going to do
when I got back...
was ask Jillian to marry me.
And, by God, I did.
Hey, guys.
Wow, this is
just like the bridge
on the Starship Enterprise.
Actually, were the Enterprise
not fictitious, we'd still be
three times as large.
I rigged up something
a little special
to tap into Harry's arm.
It's not gonna hurt, is it?
Hey, there's Marcus and Tom.
Harry, let me see
your arm there.
Putting it on screen now.
Most embedded microchips
have magnetic coils
that activate when scanned...
but this thing
has its own power source.
Looks like
some kind of a code.
Yeah, it is.
Mike, break it.
Mr. D, I can do
a lot of things...
breaking codes
is not one of them.
Sam!
But I thought
this was what you wanted?
Yeah, I do. It's just...
It's cold feet, that's all.
No, something is not right.
All right,
watch the drinkin'.
Promise?
Sam, hold it right there.
Samantha Jane.
It's just a few coffins.
A few coffins?
Mystique looks like
a graveyard.
Don't get your panties
in a wad.
It's gonna be fine.
For your information,
I'm not wearing any panties.
And you feel the need
to broadcast that to everyone?
This is not funny.
You wanna give me a break?
It's 500 degrees.
I'm in wool pants.
Sweat is dripping down
the back of my thighs.
Me, too.
Listen, the boys need to
put their coffins in Mystique
in case the IRS audits them.
Mary, she filled Mystique
with coffins.
Good, you finally got them
out of my ballroom.
You, I like.
We are not through, missy.
You okay?
Yeah, fine.
Just have to change for work.
It's the one
above the elevator.
Fourteen.
Damn, I lost them.
Maybe if you
kept your eyes on the suspects
rather than Delinda...
Well, you gotta admit
she's kind of hard
to keep your eyes off of.
Let me give you
a word of advice.
Ed takes losing suspects
very serious.
But he takes his daughter
even more serious.
Believe me, I know.
Mitch, back it up
to the last known location
of these suspects.
All right. Fast-forward.
More.
All right, stop.
They disappear
in the oversized parking lot.
Pull up the cameras from
the north and south exits.
You know, Mar...
I have to be honest
with you.
I never thought I'd be,
but I'm kind of jealous.
Last night
must have been beautiful.
Actually, he ran off...
right after he asked me
to marry him.
You mean,
you guys didn't...
No.
That's kind of weird,
considering where he's been.
I mean, you'd think
that'd be the first thing
he'd wanna do.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, she should be
coming back any minute!
I can't believe
I'm saying this...
but I'm not sure
about this wedding thing.
Mary, everyone in Vegas knows
you two
are meant to be together.
Thank you,
but I'm starting
to have my doubts.
Mary, you and Danny
have been best friends
since you were two.
Yeah, best friends.
And lovers...
twice.
And both times
it was the night
before he shipped out.
Take it as a compliment.
He wanted to spend
his last night with you
both times.
But he didn't want
to be with me
on his first night back.
Whenever my father came back
from one of his assignments...
my mom and I always tried
to give him some space
so he could adjust.
One day
they're getting shot at
and their friends killed...
and the next day
they're back home...
and they're supposed
to act normal.
Well, I guess that's the part
that worries me.
When he gets back to normal...
Is he still gonna want
to marry me?
These number sequences
are a code.
We already know that, Mike.
No, I mean it's a code
to break codes.
It deciphers ciphers.
This is one big bad mother
just waitin'
for somethin' to eat.
No wonder Homeland Security
wanted Marcus for questioning.
This microchip can decode
any encryption.
That's how Marcus was able
to make him
and his two cousins not exist.
He decoded
all their information files,
then erased everything.
That would make every code
in the world vulnerable.
Selling this chip
to the highest bidder...
on the open market
would bring in...
a lot of money.
Well, maybe they're here
to meet potential buyers?
What?
What did your cousin Marcus
plan on doing with that chip?
He plans
on cutting it out of my arm
so it won't itch anymore.
Why do you think
I ran away from him?
Marcus sounds like
a real nice cousin.
The best.
Hey, how did you
get that chip in your arm?
Me, Tom, and Marcus
were drinkin' beers
one night...
and when I woke up
in the mornin', my arm itched.
Marcus obviously slipped it
into his arm
while he was passed out.
Why are you here
at the Montecito?
Actually, we're in
the wrong Las Vegas.
Is it always this cold
in here?
Could someone please
get him a sweatshirt?
What do you mean
that you're in
the wrong Las Vegas?
We were supposed to
meet Marcus in Las Vegas,
New Mexico.
Las Vegas, New Mexico
is near Los Alamos.
The government lab.
What's Los Alamos?
Here.
Cool. A Montecito sweatshirt.
I wanted to buy one of these,
but Marcus wouldn't let me.
Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?
If you were supposed to be
in Las Vegas, New Mexico,
what are you doing here?
When Marcus said to meet him
in Las Vegas...
me and Tom just thought
he meant here.
Last night was just
a little weird, Danny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about
runnin' off like that.
It kinda made me think
you don't really
wanna marry me.
I've had a lot of time
to think about this...
and if there's anything
that you realize
when bullets are flying...
it's that life is short.
I want this.
Maybe we should wait.
I thought you loved me.
Oh, God, I do.
Then what's the problem?
I just...
What?
I love you.
And I wanna marry you,
and I wanna have
lots of babies with you...
just like you always wanted.
The house with the pool,
the white picket fence,
the Sunday dinners.
I want it all, okay?
Yeah.
All right, I gotta go.
They have to be hiding
in one of the RVs.
There must be hundreds of them
down there.
More like thousands.
I really have to use
the bathroom.
It's around the corner.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
I have to pee.
Leo, keep an eye on him,
will you?
Thank you.
Party time.
The microchip
has been activated.
T. McCoy!
We're being overrun!
How many security teams
do we have out there
searching the lot?
Six teams of two
going door-to-door.
Expand it to ten teams
of four.
Danny, half the owners
aren't in their RV. They're
in the casino, gambling.
Just do it!
No more coffee for you.
You know the routine,
Harry.
Don't touch that!
Sorry.
Mitch, get this guy
back in holding.
Maybe
he was just a little nervous
about askin' you to marry him.
Something is wrong, Ed.
He just needs a little time,
that's all. Just some time.
It's not the Danny I know.
No, it's not.
What happened to him
over there?
I don't know.
Who loves you, boys?
Come on, D. Mystique's
never looked better.
You're so dead.
What I don't get is
why anyone would trust
a complete idiot...
with something so valuable
as this microchip.
Yeah, I've been wondering
the same thing, Mike.
Unless it's what they say,
"Blood is thicker than water."
They also say,
"Stupid is as stupid does."
I'm just not so sure
how stupid they really are.
T. McCoy!
Hey, Mitch.
How long has he been
standing there?
All day.
I just found out
he's been working
since he got in last night.
Go see what Harry wants.
Hey, Danny.
Ed.
How long has it been
since you slept?
Sleep's overrated.
Yeah.
How long have you been
forcing yourself
to stay awake?
I got to tell you,
I knew where you were.
I've always known
exactly where you were.
And I also know that
you're gonna get nominated
for a Silver Star.
So congratulations, man.
I don't wanna talk about it.
All right, well,
you need some sleep, man.
No, I'm fine.
You are not fine.
I'm fine.
You are not fine.
Now if you're not
gonna go home,
let me get you a suite.
And I'm gonna make a call...
make an appointment
for you to talk to someone.
I'm not gonna talk to anybody.
I'm not talking to anybody.
Forget about it.
Okay. Let's get some sleep.
Let's get some sleep
and we'll chat later. Come on.
Ed, Harry here says
he needs to talk to you.
He says it's important.
Ed, on a hunch, I ran
the three through last year's
video IQ playback...
I'm sorry. Look at that.
I'm...
The auction will commence
with an opening bid
of $10 million.
The winning bidder
will receive the download...
once the funds
are wired to my account.
You all right, man?
Yeah, Ed.
I just thought it was...
We got nothin' on Marcus
from the past year...
but Cousin Tom
isn't so stupid.
He's been here 11 times
in the last three months.
Eleven times?
If you weren't watching
surveillance and security...
I'd say he's casing the place.
Wait a second.
Listen, this guy's
not casing the place,
he's casin' us.
He's checkin' out our routine
to see what it takes...
to have a guy brought up here
in the surveillance area.
Ed, these names and numbers
flying by...
are all the bank account
and credit card numbers
the Montecito has on file.
Every guest
who's ever stayed here.
This is all
their personal information.
Someone's breaking
our security codes and
accessing them as we speak.
This whole Dumb and Dumber thing
is a scam.
A Trojan horse.
They knew
if they did anything illegal,
we'd arrest them...
but playing dumb
would get our attention.
And the microchip
would raise
enough suspicion...
for us to bring him
into the surveillance room.
Where's the microchip?
Where's the microchip?
Danny.
Ed, we have no control
over our computers.
We've been overridden.
That's why the microchip
has its own power source.
Listen to me.
You're gonna talk,
or I'm gonna beat
the dumb back into you.
Once the chip is in place,
it can only be accessed
externally.
Ed, this chip
is not just a microchip,
it's a transmitter.
That means
I can use the transmitter
to find them.
Where's Danny?
Mitch, call the girls
and tell them to find Danny.
Danny.
Hey, baby.
I'm going to take you upstairs
to a suite.
Let's get married right now.
We can talk about that later.
All right?
Okay? Right now
you need to sleep.
Let's forget about the sleep.
Let's just do it.
Let's just go and get married.
You're gonna need sleep.
I'm not sleeping!
They're holding
an online auction...
selling
the identities and numbers
to the highest bidders.
By my estimation,
considering the massive size
of the encrypted files...
we have less than five minutes
before the download
is complete.
I'll meet you
in the parking lot.
Got you.
What the hell happened here?
Ed, I'm really worried.
When I told Danny that
I wouldn't marry him right now
and that he needed sleep...
he flipped out.
Don't worry, Ed.
Metro will pick up Danny.
You can't miss that car.
Less than a minute.
All right,
let's take them down.
They found us. They found us.
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!
Ed, I'm going around front.
Hey, man.
Download complete in 10...
Well, when am I gonna get
to hit a bad guy?
You like that?
I'm gonna kill her.
She's just doing her job, D.
That's right. Come on.
Hi.
Are you drunk?
No. I love you guys.
I'm just trying
to win a little bet.
I just won the bet.
Okay, I don't even
wanna know...
Delinda Deline?
Hi, I'm Delinda.
Hi, I'm Jerry Meyers.
Thank you.
I'm so, so sorry
you have to see this.
Mystique is usually
not like this.
No. It's quite all right.
I represent the Proctologists'
Association of America.
We're having our convention,
and we heard
about this incredible party...
that you're throwing for
the funeral home directors.
So I wanted to check it out...
because this is exactly
what we're looking...
No, this is
a one-time deal only.
Whatever they paid,
we'll double it.
Excuse me? I'm Sam.
Hi, Sam.
Back off.
Give us a little hug.
Harry had me fooled.
I thought he was an idiot.
Ed, I called all over.
I can't find Danny anywhere.
Check with his dad?
Yeah, his dad didn't even know
he was back.
I talked to his neighbors.
They haven't seen him.
He hasn't been home.
Get out an APB
and then check
every hotel, motel...
every flophouse in this city.
All right?
Excuse me.
Thanks a lot, Bob.
I appreciate it.
Listen, I really think
you should wait out here.
Danny?
You havin' a party?
Just me.
Well, you're supposed to
be sleepin'.
I don't...
I don't sleep anymore.
Hey...
I'm just gonna
turn this light on over here,
okay?
No, leave it off.
How about...
I just sit down
so we can talk?
It sometimes
feels a little better...
if you talk about it
with someone who's been there.
There's nothin' to talk about.
You need some sleep.
I told you
that I don't sleep anymore.
Why?
Because there's nobody left
to watch my back.
They're all dead.
Every single one of them.
I know.
I had to call in
an air strike...
right on top of us.
You had no choice, Danny.
I mean...
you were being overrun...
and you absolutely
had no choice at all.
Why don't you
just go and take a shower
and clean yourself up?
Did you ever have to do
what I had to do?
Yeah, I did.
Danny.
I'll watch your back, son.
Ow!