Larry King Live (1985–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Jim Carrey - full transcript

The following is a message from
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.

*****

hello. I'm Michael Bloomberg.

Two weeks ago tomorrow on December 26th,

New York City was hit by
what will be forever called

the great blizzard of 2010.

The snow began to fall on Sunday, and
by the time it stopped the next day,

there was snow everywhere.

On the streets, on the
ground, in the trees,

even on those big rocks or
whatever in central park.

It was so deep, some city residents said,



they couldn't even see the
sidewalk in front of their apartment

until the building super shoveled it.

It was, in short, a catastrophe

and brought this city
to a complete standstill.

Today as we continue to dig
ourselves out from this horror,

many new yorkers are
left stunned, bewildered

and overcome with feelings
of despair and hopelessness.

Above all, we have questions.

Where does snow come from?

Is it dangerous?

Will the snow stay forever?

How do I get snow off my car?

And what happens if snow touches suede?

Rest assured, my office is working
to find answers to these questions,



and mental health professionals
are standing by to help those

who find themselves overwhelmed
by the enormity of this event.

In the meantime, we continue
to urge all new yorkers,

as we have throughout this
crisis, not to leave your apartment

unless it is absolutely essential.

Don't even look out your windows.

Should you run out of food, please
don't try to go out and get some.

Don't be a hero.

Simply call a restaurant that delivers,

and the Mexicans will bring you food.

Now, the big question, what are
we doing about removing the snow?

Tonight, I am pleased to
report that, even as we speak,

thousands of city sanitation
workers are out in the plows.

They're not plowing yet.

Right now they're playing
cards. That's in their contract.

After they're done playing cards, they'll
look at Internet porn for an hour or so,

then stop for lunch.

After that comes a two-hour break.

Then we'll send them home
early, also in their contract,

but they'll be back at
noon when overtime kicks in

and do some snow removal
for about an hour,

followed by a 90-minute work stoppage
to protest department layoffs.

After that they'll be
extremely intoxicated,

so our attorneys have advised us just
to send them home early, with pay,

rather than risk the liability.

On a related note, I am pleased to report
that 16th street between 6th and 7th avenues

is now completely clear of snow.

That's because of a
gas explosion and fire

caused by one of our city
snowplows hitting a propane truck.

And let me assure you the driver
in question who was intoxicated

will not be at the
wheel of a plow again.

He has been promoted to supervisor.

Before concluding, I want to take
a moment to thank every new yorker

for their astonishing courage and resolve
you have displayed throughout this ordeal

and also to remind you
that no natural disaster,

even one as devastating as this,

is ever an excuse for domestic violence,

or for smoking.

At some point, we will
overcome this crisis.

However long it takes, however
much it costs, I promise you,

we will clear New York City of snow.

And then, god willing, we
can start on queens.

Thank you, and live from new
York, it's Saturday night!

Saturday
night live s36e11

with Fred armisen

Abby elliott

bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

kenan Thompson

kristen wiig

featuring.
Vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

taran killam

nasim pedrad

Jay pharoah

musical guests ¨Cthe black keys

and your host.
Jim carrey!

Ladies and gentlemen, jim carrey!

Thank you! Thank you.

How about those jets, new York?

Great to be back. Who's
up for an amazing new year?

Who thinks 2011 will
be the best year ever?

Who thought 2010 was total crap?

I wouldn't want to go
through that again, huh?

What a nightmare.

I'm just looking forward.
That's what I'm doing.

I've always been a very positive person.

Except when I'm angry
or depressed or hungry.

And then I can be a real handful.

But tonight, I'm seeing
the beauty in everything.

Like right here in front of me.

I'm looking at two of the most
magnificent breasts I've ever seen.

- Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you, jim!

- Thank you!
- No problem. No problem.

See, that's the kind of
energy I'm talking about

when I'm hosting "Saturday night live"!

Especially considering it's the very first
show of the last year of our existence.

Dead birds are falling from the sky.

Some people say that's bad.
I say Arkansas eats free.

Yes, sir. I'm bullish on the apocalypse.

When life hands me lemon, you
make lemonade, you know?

When everyone around you bursts
into flames, it's time for smores.

When the earth opens
up, so will parking spaces.

And when I see a river of
blood, I go kayaking, mister.

But I would wear a condom.

It is blood, after all.

So let's celebrate
this new year together.

Let's make this moment count.
Because frankly, that's all we've got.

- How you doing, ma'am?
- Good. Good?

- You doing good tonight?
- Awesome.

- What's your name?
- Mindy.

You want to make this moment
here tonight, mindy, really count?

- Absolutely.
- Marry me, mindy. Marry me.

Marry me and make me the
happiest man in the world.

Just let me make my case.

First of all, I'm Jim carrey.

You know what that means. Mucho dinero.

Big bucks. Even with
a prenup, really.*****

and if you get
pregnant, well, it's all over.

So what's it going to be, mindy?

Please, please say yes.

Mindy. Let me see that.

Hold on. Just hold on.

Mindy, all right. Well, I guess I'm
going to have to wait, aren't I?

- Yes.
- Okay. Come on, dude.

- What's your name?
- Bob.

Bob, this is Bob, my new life partner.

Thanks for nothing, mindy.

We'll see you. Black keys, coming back.

We're going to go backstage now.

My parents are great. They
gave me so much in my life.

I just wish the one thing they hadn't
passed on was the baldness gene.

It's been devastating as a woman
to have a problem with baldness.

People can be very cruel.

Millions of you have come to us as bosley hair
restoration to help ease the heartbreak of baldness,

and have your hair restored naturally
to its original hairline and density.

Until now we've achieved this by transplanting live
follicles from the back of the head or donor area.

But what if you're out of
hair back there to spare?

Well, using bosley's
breakthrough technique,

hair is harvested from the
mezzanine and brought to the head.

Kind of like a neighbor walking over to
borrow a cup of sugar. It just makes sense.

And most importantly, it gives you
back the head of hair you remember.

Thick and beautiful.

The bosley process
is just life-changing.

People are really looking
at me very, very differently.

And it gives me all the
confidence I've ever wanted.

I feel beautiful again. And
I still have plenty left.

With luscious hair like
this, there's no stopping me.

I can even shower with my
new hair. It feels great!

These are just a few of the many
people who are amazed at their results.

Call bosley now, and we'll give
you a free trial pluck and tuck.

So, you can see for yourself
what everyone's talking about.

Now I've got all of life to
look forward to. I look great.

Thanks, bosley.

That is very good, nina.
Your white swan is flawless.

My problem is I'm not
casting the white swan.

I'm also casting the black swan.

One dancer, two roles.

While your white swan, again, is perfect, your
black swan is very disappointing.

- I see.
- White swan, thumbs up.

- Black swan, not so much.
- I got it.

- White swan, sure. Black swan, ew.
- *** please!

Besides, there is someone whose
black swan is far superior.

Who? Her?

No, not her.

Her!

Sorry I'm late.

I had to go numbers three and four.

That's okay, lilly. Go warm up.

Oh, I'm already warm.

I'm all swampy in my pants.

She's already warm. Isn't she great?

So comfortable with her body.

She even has two swan wings
stuck to it on her back.

I think those are, like, buffalo wings.

Lilly, black swan, now.

- Get ready to rock, bitches.
- ** that's my role.

I want you to watch her. I
want you to learn from her.

Watch the way she moves.
She's precise. Yet beautiful.

Watch as she becomes the black swan.

Yes. Yes.

She is hungry. Hungry for bread crumbs.

Watch. Watch as she seduces me.

She wants to possess me. To control me.

She fears nothing.

She's passionate, mysterious, dangerous.

***¡¡when you dance, you must seduce me.

For no one enjoys
seduction more than me,

the world's only straight
French male ballet choreographer.

£­¡¡but tomas, I can do it.
£­¡¡***¡¡let me ask you a question.

Would you have sex with this woman?

Now, what about her? Would
you have sex with her?

Yes, absolutely, I would. Yes.

You see, nina, perhaps I have been unclear

while your white swan is
good, your black swan is bad.

- Yeah. No, I got it.
- Because if you don't, I've prepared a chart.

You see, this chart I made, you
can take it home with you.

I'm not going to do that.

See, nina, you are the white
swan, pure, innocent, naive.

You must become like the black swan.

She is impulsive. She goes
to clubs. She does ecstasy.

I can do it, tomas. I know I can.

There's only one way to decide
this. Both of you must dance.

And whoever can seduce
me will be the swan queen.

She's brilliant. She
stuck her gum in my ear.

I have made my decision.

The swan queen will be Nina.
Because I see something in her.

********

and because lilly.
Lilly, because, lilly, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.

Fine. I'm out of here.

But just remember, once
you go black swan,

you never go back. Swan.

*****

cee lo ****

******

hello. And welcome to
"healing conversations.

" I'm licensed therapist Zach twinefeld."

And today we are focusing
on how self-empowerment

can be achieved through
healthy confrontation.

Now, ethan, you recently had a very
intense confrontation with your boss.

Can you tell us what happened?

Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And
I was tired of dealing with it.

So I marched into his
office, got in his face,

and said,"you don't
like me, and I don't care.

If you've got a problem
with me, that's on you, buddy.

You need to back off
and let me do my job.

I bet he was surprised by that.

Oh, believe me, he was.

- Well, let's see how it went.
- What?

We have the security camera
footage. Let's roll it.

Why don't you like me? Why?

I like you!

I try to do what you want.

And I give you things!

You never thank me!

And I didn't have a dad.

And you know that!

So did that change
things for you at work?

No, he wasn't there yet.
I just yelled at his desk.

I see. Well, you sure told his desk.

Jessica, I understand you recently confronted
your sister about how she treats you.

Yes, zach.

My sister's a real Martha Stewart
type, a perfect mother and wife.

And she always makes me feel less than.

- But you spoke your mind, right?
- I sure did.

She started belittling
me at Christmas dinner,

so I said,"Sherry, do not speak
to me in that condescending tone.

If you have issues with
the way I live my life,

then keep it to yourself.

- Bold words.
- Yeah. Well, she needed to hear it.

Well, we recorded it on our
hidden camera. Let's take a look.

Look at me! I'm all alone!

I have two vibrators! Two vibrators!

You have so many people who love you!

I want your life!

Trade with me! Trade with me!

What did you say at the end
there? I couldn't make it out.

- I said "trade with me.
- Trade with me. That's what it was.

Thank you, jessica.

Now, garrett, you recently
were on a trip with your wife,

- and she told you something shocking.
- Yes, she did.

She told me she was
sleeping with another man.

We were on a remote Mountain in
Vermont, where there were no cameras,

but I can assure you I set her straight.

Is that right? You
really laid down the law?

Oh, yeah. I did.

I looked her straight in the
eye, and I said, "I deserve better.

We are done. Now get
the hell out of my life!

" Incredibly assertive. And how
did it feel to take your power back?"

Zach, it felt magnificent.

- Well, we put a camera in your wife's mouth. Let's roll it.
- What?

I can't believe you cheated on me! Why!

I'm so sorry.

No. Don't leave. Don't leave!

I'm done eating.

I'll die of starvation! Then you'll see!

Sounds like you set her straight, from
what I could hear through your sobbing.

We're still together.

And the guy she's seeing
is pretty cool, so...

well, how nice for
you.Good work, everyone.

We'll see you next time. Good night.

****

well, hello! Let me ask
you a personal question.

How's your love life? A little stale?

I'm Brady Wilson, here to say that
variety makes everything more spicy.

You and your spouse wouldn't have
the same meal every day for dinner.

So why do the same thing
over and over in the bedroom?

Get the full spectrum with this DVD,

grady Wilson's "tantric n' tasty.

" I've been all over the world exploring
new sexual techniques for your marriage."

I'm ready to share them with you.

Moves like the Ben and Jerry.

Now, you want to walk up to the
counter, pick yourself out a flavor,

and then scoop it out. Scoop it out.

Oh, that's good. Scoop it out.

The mission impossible.

Don't touch the
floor, now. Don't touch it!

Lockdown!

And the slumdog millionaire.

Jal-ho! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Jal-ho! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Tasty. You're asking how
did I learn all these moves?

Well, it came from a special
friend. Come on in here.

This is Lee licious.

- Namaste.
- It is nasty.

Lee is an erotic novelist.

We met at the Baltimore
podiatry institute

when we both audited a
class on ladies foot care.

Lee has been to India three times.

Massaging the chakras.

And Lee can show you some of the
freakiest eastern techniques ever.

- Things like.
- The oil rig.

Now, for this one we
go just off the coast.

And put our drill bit down.

Pump it, pump it, pump
it, pump it. A lot of fun.

But if it bursts, you're
going to need a big cleanup.

The market fluctuation.

Stocks are rising. And then plunge.

Stocks are rising. And then plunge.

You think you're safe, and
then you're screwed.

Over and over and over and over!

The sneaky baboon.

You pop in for a quickie.
And you're back in the trees.

Now, that's taking the
Booty to exotic places.

There's even techniques for groups like

the two lumberjacks.

Okay, now for this one you want
to put your partner in the middle,

grab hands and use your saw.

Cut that tree down. Cut it down.

- Is the tree down yet?
- Not yet.

- Is the tree down yet?
- Almost.

- Oh, there she goes.
- Timber!

The endless clown car.

So many clowns.

The elliptical machine.

All right. For this one someone
has to be the elliptical.

You put your partner in the
middle, climb on and grab the legs,

and you just climb the
hill. Yeah, climb the hill.

Now you're getting across country.

The wrath of ganache.

Oh, you had angla ganache?

Now you will get the trunk.

Now, that's tantric tastic.

So call today for grady
Wilson's "tantric and tasty.

" And stimulate your chakras today."

The following is a paid advertisement
for time life's DVD collection.

It was the must-see and most
important urban music show ever.

It was the hippest trip in America.

It was the.
"Soul train"!

Hello and welcome back to our
celebration of "soul train.

" I'm smoky Robinson's white-half
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For those of you who loved our eight-disc
collection "the best of soul train,"

but weren't satisfied with
only 120 hours of footage,

we are now proud to present
"the worst of soul train"

featuring all the acts from the '70s
and '80s that you tried to forget

like shooting star with their
song "rheumatoid arthritis.

♪ I've got pain in my
joints say ow ow ow ♪

♪ I've got swelling in
my knees say ow ow ow ♪

♪ my arthritis is acting up ♪

or how about disco blip Gary st. Marbulis

with "I saw you.

♪ then I turned around ♪

♪ there on the ground ♪

♪ I saw you ♪

♪ I just saw my best friend
die on the dance floor ♪

"and don't forget, all 26 members of the
Maxwell family performing their hit, "

only one bathroom.

♪ there's only one bathroom
and there's 26 of us ♪

♪ I only get to shower
every other month ♪

♪ why did my parents
keep on having kids ♪

♪ our house is stinky ♪

and maybe you will remember triangle
Sally with her only recorded song,

"I have a triangle.

" Triangle Sally.
Triangle Sally died halfway through that song,"

and we did not edit it out.

And there are many more
non-legends from the '70s and '80s

like daddy big hat and sheryl.

Klami ydia.

Dell newborn.

And Gary obramowicz.

Plus some of the original
"soul train" dancers.

What? Yeah? Hi.

And, of course, there are even worse bands

like this space-age
mess called robotics.

♪ does robot drink champagne ♪

♪ get the robot drink champagne ♪

that was the entire song.

And if you like the Billy
ocean, you will dislike ocean Billy.

With "get out of my
car and into my trunk.

♪ get out of my car ♪

♪ get into my trunk ♪

I said get in the trunk!

That guy was a real ticking time bomb.

And, of course, there was
the man himself, diversity.

With a magical little number
called,"I need just one.

♪ girl we've been together
such a long long time ♪

♪ and when you're near
me my heart does shine ♪

♪ so I got to ask before
we start it's a question ♪

♪ straight from my heart ♪

♪ can I see one titty ♪

♪ oh girl ♪

♪ just give me one titty ♪

♪ I just want to see one
of your titties, girl ♪

so why wait order the
"very worst of soul today

or they'll kill me

ladies and gentlemen, the black keys!

♪ I must admit I can't explain ♪

♪ any of these thoughts racing
through my brain it's true ♪

♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪

♪ there's something
wrong with this plot ♪

♪ the actors here have not got a clue ♪

♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪

♪ mockingbird can't you see ♪

♪ little girl she got
a hold on me like glue ♪

♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪

♪ throw the ball to the stick ♪

♪ a swing and miss in the
catcher's mitt strike two ♪

♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪

weekend update with Seth meyers.

" Good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and
here are tonight's top stories."

{6}****

on Wednesday, outgoing speaker of the house Nancy
pelosi transferred power to her successor, john boehner.

And in a rare sign of
affection between the rivals...

"look out, nancy! He's got a hammer!"

{6}******

" the republican effort to have the
constitution read aloud on Thursday"

was interrupted several times
including when readers skipped two pages

when a democrat complained that
passages regarding slavery were omitted

and when a birther in the gallery shouted out that
president Obama was not eligible to be in office,

and it didn't help that this
music was playing the whole time.

{6}*****

democrat Jerry brown was sworn in Monday
as governor of California nearly 28 years

after he last served
in that same office.

Brown says that his first
order of business is to find

that loose floorboard
where he hid his weed.

{6}****

it was reported Thursday that just
three weeks after Elizabeth Edwards died,

John Edwards proposed to
his mistress, rielle hunter,

so the two of them can look forward to
many, many years of being booed in restaurants.

This week, outgoing house speaker Nancy
pelosi handed over her ceremonial gavel

to incoming speaker of the
house, republican John boehner.

Here to comment, representative Nancy
pelosi and speaker John boehner.

- Hello, young man.
- Hello.

Well, thank you both for being here.

It's our pleasure. And for
your late-night audience,

I'd like to hand over the gavel
to John boehner once again.

Oh, very good. Thank you.

And Nancy, since I didn't
give you a gavel on Tuesday,

I'd like to give you
one tonight if I can.

There you go.

For all I know, this is a jab at my
reduced role and my San Francisco district,

I do not mind its size.

Unlike speaker boehner, I
am secure in my manhood.

Now, representative boehner, as speaker,

you'll be in charge of shepherding new tea party
candidates who have never been in office before.

I'm not worried how tea party
members will perform in congress.

There are other issues.*****

some tea party members did not
realize they will get chairs

and brought their own lawn furniture.

But they are good-hearted
Americans. They love their country.

They love this great nation of ours.

I think the speaker's choking up.

Oh, what doesn't make
him cry, seth? Watch this.

Little American flag.

An old man saluting a parade.

A son coming home and making folgers.

Love it. Do more.

Reruns of "touched by an angel.

" Reruns of "Magnum p.I.

" Now watch this. Millions
without health care."

Amazing.

Now, representative pelosi, the
republican house is gaining momentum

with their health care repeal effort.

We plan to mount a campaign against the
repeal of president Obama's health care plan.

To be fair, democrats could have done
that during the midterm elections.

We could have, seth, but
we had reason not to.

- And that was?
- Basic cowardice.

But now.
Now we're treating it this separate like a campaign.

Yeah, but you just had
an actual campaign.

That's right. And we
whiffed it on purpose.

We're keeping the Republicans guessing.

They can't read my.
- Can't read my...

can't read my joker face.

I feel like I'm being ignored
here. Face the facts, nancy.

Your days are over. I'm in charge now.

You can barely get
elected minority leader.

A puppy in a red, white and
blue bandana sits near a door.

A soldier walks in carrying his bags.

The puppy greets him
with barks and kisses.

John boehner and Nancy pelosi, everyone.

{6}*****

according to a new poll, president
Obama's approval rating is at 50%,

its highest level in seven months.

Of course, it helps that the poll was
taken at a brown university drum circle.

{6}*****

a new edition of the mark twain classic "the
adventures of huckleberry finn" is being published

that will remove all
mentions of the "n" word.

Worse, they plan to
replace them with "homie.

{6}******

" Claire Buffy, who is
currently miss New York,"

said when she competes in the
upcoming miss America pageant,

she'll be championing gay
rights as part of her campaign.

Sounds like someone's
finally figured out

who still watches the
miss America pageant.

There's a lot of news out there, but
here with the news he heard secondhand

is our secondhand news
correspondent, anthony crispino.

Hey, seth. How's it going?

Great to be back.

- Did you get a haircut?
- I did.

No need to brag about it.

What have you heard newswise?

Well, first of all, you
hear about this Oprah?

No. What about her?

She finally got her own tv set.

Until now, now if she wanted to watch
tv, she had to go to Gayle's house.

No, oprah just got her own tv
network. It's called o.W.N.

Nah, I'm pretty sure it's
because she has own tv set, seth.

And now she's having her friends
over like Dr. j and the wizard of oz.

- Who told you that?
- Who told me that? My fireworks guy, donny eyebrow.

Well, donny eyebrow was misinformed.

Okay. All right.But, uh,

you hear about the gays in the military?

They're allowed to use
the alphabet now. Yeah.

- The alphabet?
- Yes.

They repealed the law "don't
speak, don't spell. " Yeah.

You know who was against it, though?

John MacLaine from "die hard.

" It's true. He kept yelling
"yippee ki-ay, soldier lovers!

" No."

- Where did you hear that?
- Where did I hear that? My cousin, hooker Janet.

Okay. Well, hooker Janet's not accurate.

Okay.**

- so, you hear the thing about congress, though?
- What?

You know, turns out that republican John
boehner, he's got new speakers for his house.

- No.
- It's true.

He got them from snooki's
mom, nancy pelizzi.

First of all, it's Nancy pelosi, and
boehner is the new speaker of the house.

I'm pretty sure he's getting
new speakers, you know,

because he's having a tea
party, you know, for Mr. t.

I pity the fool who misses that.

- Who told you that?
- Who told me that?

I was talking to the
new governor, andrew homo.

- The new governor.
- No, it's not.

- I think that's the new governor.
- ****

that was not the governor.
All right. Anything else?

Yeah. Finally, ooh.

You.
You hear about this Brett favre? Yeah.

He announced he's retarded.

It seems like every year he's saying
he's retarded and then he's not retarded.

Now he's finally going
to be retarded for good.

- No, he's not retarded.
- Oh, really?

Then why did he take a
picture of his dingaling?

**** Anthony crispino, everybody.

****

zookeepers in Germany
entered the lion enclosure

after a baby penguin wandered in
there and stayed there for a day.

But by the time they
arrived, it was too late.

All the lions were dead.

{6}*****

it was reported Mickey Rourke is
planning to remove his two front teet

so that he can play a famous
rugby star in a new movie.

Oh, no, then his face might look weird.

{6}******

a couple in Pennsylvania got married
new year's day followed up the ceremony

by joining members of the polar bear
club in jumping into an icy local river

in what I'm guessing was a real
roller-coaster day for the man's penis.

Scientists are investigating
why 5,000 red-winged blackbirds

fell out of the sky over
Arkansas on new year's day.

Here now to help explain
is Arkansas native

and the lone survivor
from this bizarre incident,

Cameron the red-winged blackbird.

Hello.

Hey, cameron, buddy. How you holding up?

I'm pretty good, seth, you know,

except for everyone I ever
knew dying all around me.

So what happened up there, man?

Well, I've considered many theories, you
know, fireworks or power lines.

But only one makes sense.

It's the end of days for birds, seth.

- You mean the apocalypse?
- No.

The aflockalypse.

Squawk, squawk, squawk!

- Aflockalypse? Like apocalypse for birds?
- Yeah.

Look, scientists are saying it's
probably just like a hailstorm.

Well, if it was a hailstorm, then how
come all those fish are dying, too?

Oh, right. It was also reported thousands
of fish died in the Arkansas river.

I heard that was totally
unrelated to the bird deaths.

- That's not what my friend says.
- Who's your friend?

- Hi, seth.
- Who are you?

- I'm Everett the fish. Cameron.
- Everett.

What do you think happened?

Seth, I have numerous theories, but
the only one that makes sense to me

is ¨Cthe apocafish.

So, like...

**** the apocafish.

**** tell me

***** how did it happen
at the exact same time?

Well, there's a small chance
that we made God angry.

How?

Well, everett and I have lain together.

What?

You know, seth, lain together.

- So you two are.
- A couple we are an item.

I don't mean to pry, but where
do a bird and fish even meet?

Like right where the
water meets the sky.

- It's called the surface, seth.
- Right.****

I'm sure the fact that you've been laying together
has nothing to do with the bird and fish deaths.

Then the only other explanation would
be the ending of the "Oprah winfrey show.

- Oprah?
- That's right, seth.

Oprahcalypse!

You get a car!

She's very generous.

Cameron the blackbird and
Everett the fish, everyone.

******

according to new research senior citizens
who walk faster live longer because, you know, t

hat red light's not
going to stay red forever.

{6}****

"Jersey shore" star jenni "j-woww" farley
this week asked a judge to bar her ex-boyfriend

from releasing nude photos from her
before and after she had surgery.

I guess she wants people to think of her as
j-woww, and forget when she used to be j- meh.

{6}*****

according to new research, people attending heavy
metal concerts can give themselves brain damage

if they move their heads more than 75
degrees while keeping beat with the music.

Because if there are two
things metal heads are good at,

it's geometry and caring about
what happens to their brain.

For "w week *****

the maryville trolley ride. Honey, I
haven't been on this in forever.

Yeah. Your sister told
me it was your favorite.

Oh, look, here come the
maryville brothers.

♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪

♪ then you'll have
friendship all day long ♪

♪ so come along and sing all day ♪

♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪

oh, aren't they great?

Actually, they creep me out a little bit.

Oh, they're not creepy. They're cute.

- What was that?
- I don't know.

Sorry, folks. We should be
up and running in no time.

- This better be quick.
- Relax.

♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪

♪ then you'll have
friendship all day long ♪

♪ so come along and sing all day ♪

♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪

why aren't they going away?

Did you see him wink at me?

Honey, you're scared. That's so cute.

At least we're moving.

♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪

♪ so come along and sing all day ♪

- well, why did they stop?
- Oh, nothing.

I think he's coming for me.

I think he tried to eat my face!

♪ that's the maryville brother way ♪

- get me out of this car.
- Honey, calm down.

Hey, sorry, folks. This is a real mess.

Everyone's going to get a full refund.

The bad news is we have
to evacuate the ride.

I can take one of you at a time.
So miss, will you come with me?

- I'll see you outside, honey.
- Wait!****

don't just leave me here!

♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪

♪ and you'll have
friendship all day long ♪

♪ so come along and sing all day ♪

♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪

***

I cannot believe that we're actually
doing this, paying money to some psychic.

Honey, you said you'd keep an open mind.

I'm trying to contact
my Uncle. How about you?

My father. He passed away last spring,

and I just wish I could
speak to him one last time.

That can be arranged.

Pardon me my lateness.

I was in the bathroom.

I didn't hear a flush.

Let's begin.

I am alessandra.

You've all lost loved ones.

But I commune with the dead
and channel their spirits.

Wait a sec. Do I know
you from somewhere?

Well, in the early '80s I was prominent
celebrity impressionist Allen munch.

Yeah. Remember, honey?

- He was on "comic relief" three times.
- Four times.

But those days are behind me.

It's good you're not a comedian anymore

because we're really
looking for answers today.

Do not worry. I am a psychic medium.

And I take these grief
seances very seriously.

Take my hand.

I didn't hear a sink either.

Take my hand.

There is a spirit here.

There is a spirit in this room.

A man. I can see his face.

- Is it my father?
- No.

It's - it's - show
yourself, spirit.

It's none other than Mr. Jimmy Stewart.

That lady up on top of the capitol dome,

dad gummit, that lady
stands for liberty.

- That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart.
- Thank you.

He was the spirit who was here.

Why would Jimmy Stewart
want to contact us?

I cannot answer that question.

I'm just a humble medium.

A vessel through which they speak.

Well, can we try to contact my father?

Yes. Take my hand.

I see a spirit.

- Is it my father?
- No.

Unless your father was
the great Billie holiday.

No way. No way.

♪ nobody's business I do ♪

I really wanted to speak to my father.

- I've seen your father!
- What does he have to say?

He wants to talk about "growing pains.

" Because he's tv's
favorite father, alan thicke!"

Michael seaver, if I find out
you've been cutting class,

you can kiss that new mustang good-bye.

Hey, wait a minute.

What? Too soon?

No, I'm pretty sure Alan thicke
is still alive. Like 60% sure.

That was great! No one does a thicke!

Do more spirits.

- Miss piggy is with us.
- ****

the fictional puppet miss piggy?

Yes, kermie, you're my favorite frog.

Wait, wait, wait. Is Kermit here, too?

I'm afraid so.

It's not easy being green

- stop doing your act.
- How dare you!

I can't control the spirits!

Just like you can't
control Mr. Charles Bronson.

Hey, scumbag.

You make me want to puke.

- Awesome.Awesome.
- ****

honey, we're going to miss his closer.

Can we try to contact my Uncle?
You might have heard of him.

- He was the actor, marlon Brando.
- Don't do marlon.

Don't have the Brando down.

Well, can you do a Sammy Davis Jr.

Well, let's just see if he's here.

That's where I left that thing.

♪ you can take an eyeball ♪

♪ dip it in a dream ♪

once again, the black keys!

Welcome to the Cosmopolitan
lounge at the midtown marriott.

How many of you are from out of town?

All of you.
What did you guys do today?

We went to the statue of liberty.

- We had pizza.
- Very nice.

Well, now we have a special treat for you.
This group is from right here in the big apple

and they are very authentic.
Very true to the city.

So, please say hello to a taste
of New York.

Good evening.

We are a taste of New York.

Just a taste.

We're from an area called
between Avenue "b" and Avenue "c."

Is there anything you'd like to hear?

"New York, New York."
"On Broadway."

Okay. We're going to get to those for sure.
We're going to start out with this first.

See my television set

get swiped by a junkie

I guess it just got up
and walked away

and paco upstairs

threw a chair through the window

the hustlers

like to drink out on the stoop

so we have a question for you

can we stay with you

oh, please

thank you
you guys all having fun in New York?

Could you play something a little more upbeat

absolutely.

But we still have quite a few
verses of this song. Listen

all the junkies on my block

hang out in my stairwell

some drag queens I know

hang out there too

I saw a family of rats

nesting in a baby crib

people on the subway
are staring at my scabs

walking around the streets
with my stockings all ripped

when I went into the drugstore

they called the cops on me

we have a question for you

can we stay with you

oh, please

play something else.

Okay we will. We will.

But first, can we stay with you?

- What.
- No

can we stay with you?
Or you? We've had a very challenging week.

No thank you
no.

So we have a question for you

can we stay with you

I said we have a question for you

can we stay with you

oh, please

we have also noticed

that you need a room key to use the
bathroom in the lobby.

So, our next song is also a question.

It's called "can we use your room key?"
We're not going to go to your room.

So we have a question for you

can we use your room key

to use your bathroom

thank you thank you, black keys!

Thank you, wonderful cast!

Thank you, lorne Michaels!
Thank you to all my friends who are here!

I love you all!

You are my favourite.
I love it

hey! Never use your ***

Saturday
night live s36e11