Lady Dynamite (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Loaf Coach - full transcript

We will be regaling our animation audience

with the compelling story
of the USS Indianapolis.

The bloodiest, most grotesque shark tale
in all of written history, and beyond.

But here's the Shyamalan,

we'll be telling this whole tale
from the point of view

of the ravenous man-eaters themselves.

I'll send your waiter over.

So, no notes.
What do you think of that?

Bruce, [stutters]
I think I have to bow out of this project.

I don't really understand what it is,

and my plate is really full right now.



Oh, shame on me,
going on about my passion project.

I'm completely neglecting
my passion person.

So tell me, how are you, my sweet,

my lovely desert flower?

It's a little crazy.

One of the pugs,
he ripped his bee costume. And then...

I have an appointment
with my life coach, and...

I still need to get in a nap
before my set tonight.

-I was gonna say you look tired.
-I do?

I don't know. Do you?

I don't know. [stammers] You said it.

I wasn't listening to
the thing I was saying.

I don't wanna get overwhelmed again.

You can't. You're right.



-You've gotta slow down.
-Am I going too fast?

Everything's moving fast.
I can't keep track of anything.

I'm getting scared, Maria.

This is what I was worried about.

I can't get back on that
Hollywood hamster wheel.

Getting sick again.

We can't afford to have you
slip back to those depths

from which you emerged.

I better just go.

Yes. You go do you.

[theme music playing]

[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.

[Maria] Do I seem tired?

Do I seem... sort of overworked...

like, overwhelmed? Doing too much?

Am I talking too fast? [inhales deeply]

[slowly] Am I talking too fast?

Whoa, whoa. Okay.

You're an artist, right?

Do you know what these
Hollywood fuck-faces want?

They want to feed on your soul, okay?

They're goddamn sexy vampires.

They wanna Twilight
the shit out of your jugular.

That's just what they wanna do.

But you know what? I'm on Team Maria.

So I say, "Nuh-uh,
you go and fuck yourself.

You go and fuck your wolf faces."
You know?

Because you know who never gets tired?

And you know who never does talk too fast?

-Who?
-Wolves.

So I--
I should be more like a wolf?

-Growl for me.
-[growling]

No.

Please stop. Stop it.

Stop it.
You could've said no, and you didn't.

-So you're not a wolf, okay?
-Interesting.

You should see someone about this.

-Okay.
-A specialist.

-Great.
-And I want to say upfront

you're going to want to fuck him.

He's very handsome. He's very rugged.
He's very sexually generous.

He's Karl Grisham,
and he is my twin brother.

Oh.

So is--
Is he a psychiatrist?

Absolutely not.

Okay. Well, here's your dog.

Mmm-mmm, not mine.

You could leave it on the desk,
and I'll find it some fruit.

Maybe I'll take it with me.

I'll just take her.

Okay.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, you found my dog!

-Aw, look at this little lady.
-Okay.

[Karl laughing] Cute.

Listen, I know the reward said 500 bucks,

but... what are you gonna do,
keep my dog?

You'd be a total asshole.
Here's five bucks.

No. Your sister sent me.
I have an appointment.

My sister, huh?

What's she wearing today?

-What?
-Nothing. Sorry. Come on in.

-So are you a life coach, or--
-Oh. No.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Okay. Oh, a death coach?

Well, yeah. The death of productivity.

[sighs] I'm a loaf coach.

-[groans] Pull up a chair.
-Oh... Okay.

So what's been going on?

Well, I'm just worried about
triggering my bipolar mania.

Getting a little busier,

and I'm not sure how much is too much,
you know?

Let's unwrap
and enjoy a stick of butter together.

Okay. Huh.

[slurping]

I'm sorry, what is a loaf coach?

-Oh. I'm gonna tell you a story.
-Oh.

[Karl] Early to bed, early to rise...

makes a man healthy, wealthy...

and crazy.

The industrial age
ruined everything, Maria.

This idea that we can get
things done faster ruined everything.

It ruined all trades.

-It ruined the art of conversation.
-[horse neighs]

You know who's to blame?

Ben Franklin.

Hi, guys.

[whooshing]

The guy with the electricity?

Yeah, and the condescending glasses.

He didn't even need those.
They were for show.

He was the original hipster fraud.

Think about it.
He put buckles on his shoes?

That ludicrous hairstyle?

And the experiments
with the fuckin' kites and everything?

Fuck you, Ben Franklin.
Eat a dick.

Here's how this is gonna go down.

I'm gonna shadow loaf you for 10 days.

-It sounds like...
-[slurping]

you got a solid program,
and I wanna follow through with it.

I used to think more was more.

But now, I realize, less...
is more of what I need.

[chuckles] You know?

[gasps] Sorry.

I trained my body to sleep
with my eyes open.

I call it Grisham Cryosleep.

[inhales deeply]

-Feels like we're done, right?
-Right.

This was a good first sesh.

-[exhales]
-Well done, Maria.

-Thank you.
-[chuckles]

[Maria] This loafing thing felt good.

I have a history of pushing myself
a little too hard.

[Maria yawns]

Hi, guys.

Oh, boy.

"Follow the rose petals
to a super surprise."

Okay.

So many rose petals.
Too much.

Too soon.

[shuddering]

Good mornin', babe.

Oh...

Look, an omelet bar.

Wow. You sure got the rose petals
in there.

You're darn right I did.

That's feta cheese and rose petal.

-The kids get in tomorrow.
-Okay. Great.

You're okay with them stayin'?

Yes! I don't at all feel unnerved.

I love kids and their faces and skins.

I'm gonna get someone to hang out
with them

since I have to work.

Tell that person they
are gonna have to hang out with me, too.

Because I'm spending all day
with your children.

-Really?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-You don't have to.
-I do have to,

because I love being busy with kids.

Have them bring friends.
Have their friends bring friends.

You know what, can you
excuse me a moment?

[muffled screaming]

Maria, your kids are here.
We dropped them at craft services.

I need you to sign your SAG paperwork.

Okay, great.

I didn't know you had kids.

Well, they aren't mine.
They are my boyfriend/tenant's.

But I treat them like mine. I adore them.

Uh, did they say their names?

I'm sorry about the sweat.
I just--

My hands get sweaty when I'm around kids,

'cause I love them.
It's innate within me to love children.

I love them. I'm a mother.
Really, like a mother--

Do you think Checklist is unethical?
Do you think what I'm doing is wrong?

I AD'd a Mexican snuff movie,
so I'm not the one to ask.

You're wearing a microphone.

Oh.

Yep. Got it.
Okay, I have eyes on her right now.

We'd like to invite you to set.

Do you have a towel or something...
Maybe I could wipe my hands on your hair?

-Absolutely.
-Okay. Great.

Okay, great.
And picture's up!

[Maria] I love Checklist!

-[jingle playing]
-♪ When you shop, you shop ♪

♪ We're your one-stop shop ♪

♪ We're your cradle-to-grave store ♪

♪ When you shop, you shop ♪

Buy more!

Do more! Be more!

I got everything on my list.
My checklist.

Cradle, check.

Grave, check!

-[screams]
-Call the medic!

I'm so sorry.

-I'm so sorry.
-Come here.

Extras are so goddamn annoying.

[Karen] Don't make eye contact.
That's gonna encourage him.

Extras don't feel pain.
That's why they call them background.

-Well...
-[cell phone vibrating]

I gotta take this.

It's my groomer. My dog's having
his anal glands expressed.

Poor baby. You know what, though?

It reminds me of what's
really important...

Oh, mother fuck me!

There's blood on my Louboutins.

Can you believe this shit?

At least the sole is red.
Good God. Go for Grisham.

-How are the glands?
-[boy] Mommy!

[distorted] Mommy! Mommy!

What are we going to do today?

Well, uh, hello, little ones...

Well, just hold on
for one sweet little second.

[exclaiming]

[muffled screaming]

[Maria] It was a tough start,

but I was determined to show these kids
the best day ever.

We had the best day ever! [panting]

They haven't been
to Build-A-Bear in, like, ten years.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Dad, is it cool if I work
on my essay for Wesleyan?

[Graham] Absolutely, buddy.

Yeah, we're also gonna do some stuff
away from this room.

-[Graham] Sounds great.
-Love you.

Thanks for the wonderful day, Maria.

It was super, super fun.

-You're a nice lady, too.
-Mmm.

[stammering] They seemed
so much smaller on the rides.

You didn't have to do that.

No, it was $4,000 well spent.

I mean, it's just paper.
Where else am I gonna spend it?

On adult things, like books, medicine
and shelter?

No, thanks!

You know what? This is for me,
I gotta get this.

It's show business calling.
[imitates ringing]

Hello? Yes?

Oh, New York City? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, wait... Tina Fey?

No. Right away? No.

No, right away?
No. I've got children here.

My-- My children.

One shot only.
Oh, I guess I have to do it. Later.

You will not believe this, Graham.

I just got a gig in New York City,
and I have to leave right away.

Uh, I know. I know.

I'm as peeved about it as you are.

Okay. See you Monday.

Aren't you gonna pack anything?

Graham, it's New York! [laughs]

I didn't go to New York.
I went a quarter of a mile from home.

I just needed some me time.

[muffled crying]

The next morning,
I felt like I had gone to New York.

I felt sophisticated, cosmopolitan.

I was a woman in charge of my world.

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey.

[Graham] Maria, I know you're
in New York right now.

Sorry, I'm on the set of Dinosaur Priest.

I know you're in New York working,
but we need to talk.

I think we're moving too fast.
Maybe I made a big mistake,

bringing the kids to LA.

That thing you said about being their mom.
I love it, but...

[stammering] maybe it's too much,
too soon.

I think we should slow down.

I should move out,
and we should take a break.

Graham, I'm looking at the skyline
in New York, where I am...

and I just think...

how much time on this kooky blue marble
called Earth do we have?

Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.

You say go slower, I say move faster.
Graham, will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

Yes! [chuckles] Yes.

[laughing]

Hold on.
Tina Fey's on the other line.

[beeps]

[muffled screaming]

So, I overcommitted in the past.

That's why now I was determined
to master the art of doing nothing.

[rock song playing]

♪ Every day we're faced
With a million decisions ♪

♪ People say to just make one ♪

♪ But I'll do you one better
When it comes to decisions ♪

♪ I say, "Fuck decisions, make none" ♪

♪ You've got to loaf
You've got to loaf ♪

♪ 'Cause working is for pussies
And trying is for chumps ♪

♪ You've got to loaf
You better loaf ♪

♪ The only way to win at life
Is to just give up ♪

Look, I love your enthusiasm.

But as a fan of Jungian motifs,

you need to dig down
to the shadow side of the protagonist.

John Truby.

I took the Truby screenwriting seminar
in Del Mar.

You didn't retain much.

Trust your inner voice.

Let that be the music of your song.

I gotta go.

Thank you, Rafael.

"Trust your inner voice.
Let that be the music of your song."

Yeah. Yeah.

[Karl sighs] How you feeling?
Relaxed?

Very relaxed, almost depressed.

Then it's workin'.

Soon, I'm gonna introduce you
to an involuntary catheter.

-Hmm.
-[cell phone vibrating]

-Oh.
-Ugh, enough with that thing.

[gasps] It's Judd Apatow, super producer.

[Karl] Ugh.
[Maria] He never calls me.

I could blow off Bruce,
but this is Judd Apatow, the "A" man.

The Apatow for destruction.
The tow truck.

My Judd bud. Paul Rudd's Judd.
The fourth Judd.

The... the Return of the Juddi.

A person whose support I treasure,
as a champion of women in comedy,

and of comedy in general.

Mmm.
He's gone to voicemail.

Yeah, good.

-[inhales deeply]
-[sighs]

-[cell phone vibrating]
-He's calling back!

That's why he is the Juddernaut!

All right, put it on the box.

Hello?

Hey, Maria, it's Judd callin'.

-What's up?
-Uh, nothing.

-Nothing at all.
-Right.

Well, I'm doing a new movie,

and I wrote a part in it just for you.

You know that you called
Maria Bamford, right?

Maria, you're doing that thing again.

-What thing?
-That thing where you diminish yourself

as a person and artist,
'cause you're afraid to accept

that you have a unique and singular voice.

Oh, that thing.

I'm gonna tell you about the movie.

It's a double crossover sequel
of Bridesmaids and Ghostbusters.

Feig is in, and it is called...

Bridebusters?

Actually, no.
We never thought of that.

Write that down, "Brides... busters."

No. We're gonna go Ghostmaids.

Ghostmaids.
Okay, here's the thing.

We've already got Melissa McCarthy,

Wiig, Schumer,

and, in kind of a large supporting part,
Nancy Reagan.

-Oh...
-So, what do you say?

-You wanna make a movie?
-[mouthing] No.

[whispering] Why not?

Do you know how much work
this will lead to?

Definite pass. No way.

But it's a big movie with stars.

Sometimes you have to say no to the best

when you need the rest.

[sighs] Goddamn it.

Judd, I can't do it.

Give the part to a charity.

Like the downtown women's center.

I can't give a job
to a downtown women's center,

'cause it's an acting role for a person.

Are you freaking out again?

No. I'm healthier than I've ever been.

Maybe go to her house
with some zinc lozenges

and some old Mike Douglas DVDs.

The ones with Totie Fields she likes.

Church is gonna come over
and follow up, okay?

No. You're the best. I need the rest.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I treasure you,
and I love you so very much. Buh-bye!

-Maria, don't! Stop thinking, plea--
-Oh, God. Ugh.

See, that wasn't hard. How do you feel?

Deflated.

Yeah.
You know what deflation is?

Ambition just leaving your body.

[sighs]

Oh, it's so good to feel free
from success.

[chuckles]

[Maria] I grew up in a family that was
obsessed with being productive.

While I was recovering at home,

my mother made me mentor a young comic.

So, Maria, I watched your stand-up,
and it was, like...

it wasn't funny.

That's wonderful feedback.

What kind of comedy do you like to do?

So, I like to change the words
to Katy Perry songs.

So, here's one.

Mr. Sherman's such a jerk.
He always gives us homework.

Work, work, work.

Oh. Okay, that's fun.

All my friends say I'm so hilarious.

And one time, I ate dog food at a party.

Sorry to interrupt, hons.

Your father and I
were cleaning out the attic.

Not a euphemism.

And look what we found... your violin.

Play it and see if it still works.

Mom, I hate that violin. Please burn it.

Oh, Kristy, she played so beautifully
when she was just about your age.

Won all the competitions.

Come on, play it for Kristy.

No, Mom... no violin.

Oh, this one. [sighs]

You'd think we held a gun to her head.

All right, fine, I'll play it.

Here are two of the world's
smallest violins, playing just for you.

[Maria] Oh.

That's not the gesture
you think it is, Mom.

Oh, I can't do anything right.

Ugh. Moms, right?

-They're the worst.
-The total worst.

So, your mom said
that you wanted to, um...

-prepare for some contest at school?
-Yeah.

The winner gets an Applebee's gift card
and is principal for the day.

-I'm gonna make everyone eat dog food.
-[Maria] Doesn't it annoy you

that your mom is making you sit here
with me?

It's super annoying.

And she cut down my allowance,
because we're,

"barely scraping by."

What a bitch.

How would you like to stick it to your mom
and all the other moms out there

who are forcing their kids
to do stuff they don't wanna do?

Like, for example, play the violin.

I would love it.

When I am done with you,

you are gonna have 20 tons
of comedy napalm

to drop on Mrs. Coombs,

or whatever name your mom
is calling herself by these days.

Kablam!

[imitates explosion]

Take that, motherfucker!

I love it. Send me that material?

Yes, yes.

Goddamn it, she's funny.

Maria, hon, hi.

Candy Coombs, Kristy's mom.

[laughing] Oh, hi, Mrs. Coombs.

Your mom went to the cellar
to grab some white wine.

Mmm.

We're celebrating.

Kristy won her comedy contest.

Oh, yeah. In your face, Mrs. Coombs!

I brought you a gift
for helping mentor Kristy to victory.

Hmm? It's candy.

-[groans]
-Like my name.

[chuckles] Candy.

Yeah, I get it. [scoffs]

It means the world that you were
willing to help mentor Kristy.

Between you and me,

I don't know how much time
I have left for Kristy.

Oh, really?
Not much time left for your child?

Six months if I'm lucky.

I'm dying of pancreatic cancer.

[gasps]

Yeah. I haven't told Kristy yet.

-[wheezing]
-It's stage four. [chuckles]

Which is funny. That's the stage
she performed on last night.

The reason I was pushing
for you to get involved

is that I wanted to give Kristy a win
before I die, and she loses everything.

We're having some
pretty serious money trouble.

And I have no insurance.

[sighs] I couldn't afford it
after her father shot himself. [chuckles]

Oh, no. You must hate me.

I helped your daughter develop an act
that was very critical.

Watching that must've really hurt.

Not really.

I injected painkillers into my abdomen
so I could sit upright during her set.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Kristy ripped me a new one.

[both sigh]

-But... that's okay.
-[groans]

As long as she gets the victory,
I can take the hit.

Because that's what moms do.
[clicks tongue]

-[Candy groans]
-[Marilyn] Hey, Maria, you wanna join us?

I'm just gonna pull some sausage
from the meat raffle out of the freezer.

[sobs] I'm not worthy!

Of freezer sausage?

Somebody's getting their pyramid.

[Maria playing violin]

Oh, Maria, the violin.

You still play like an angel.

Mom, I wanted to tell you something.

I haven't always been the easiest,

and I just appreciate
everything that you've done,

and everything that I know
you'll continue to do.

And... I, uh...

Thank you for taking
all the hits all these years.

Oh, you're welcome, honey.

You're welcome. [sniffles]

Do you wanna burn that thing?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, let's go out back to the trash can
and torch it hobo style.

[laughing] Yeah.

We'll get some of your dad's gayer shirts,

-and we'll destroy them too.
-Oh, great.

-[Marilyn] Which ones do you wanna pick?
-Well, that one that's orange plaid...

-[Karl grunts]
-[cell phone chimes]

-[Maria groaning]
-Oh, shit!

-I gotta go to Phoenix.
-Why you gotta go to Phoenix?

-'Cause he's in Paris.
-What?

Joaquin Phoenix.
He needs my help in Paris.

-Paris Hilton?
-What? Maria, don't be gross.

He's having a total mid-loaf crisis.

[chuckles] Needs my help.

Time to pay the bills, know what I mean?

You specifically said
not to pay the bills.

I was being metaphorical, Maria.

Everybody has to pay their bills.

In fact, you owe me $10,000.

-[gasps]
-[cell phone chimes]

Ooh! That's my Uber. Okay.

[Karl] Keep doing this until I get back.

-You're doing great.
-No, no.

No, no, no, no.

[gasps] Judd!

[crying] Oh...

Loaf legs!
[continues crying]

Judd, wait!

-Maria.
-Yeah. [stammers]

I told you not to come here
without asking.

-Okay.
-You have to call ahead.

Yes.

-Ooh, but I'm here.
-You are.

Is there something you need?

I was wrong. I was, uh...
just doing a bit when I said no.

'Cause, I-- I love comedy.
You love comedy.

Let's... let's work together. [exclaims]

[sighs] I have bad news.

-No.
-I just gave the part to Sarah Silverman,

like, 13 seconds ago.

No! [inhales]

Oh, she's so good. Okay.

-So good.
-Okay.

Couldn't you just call...
takebacksies, Judd?

-Here's the thing.
-Yes.

-I hate to say this.
-Yeah.

In this business...
there are no takebacksies.

[gasping]

I did that a couple of years ago...
and I got fucked.

[softly] I don't wanna get fucked.

You are a man of honor,
and I will fix this.

I will fix it!

...came out of the pool,
and he was completely dry.

No way.

Hey, you guys.

I was just in the neighborhood.
It's so crazy.

You look so pretty, Sarah.
So do you, Tig. Um...

I heard you are in the new Judd movie.
So cool.

Hey, I was just wondering,
could I have the part?

Because you have everything.

You have a hot English boyfriend.

You're Jewish, which is so cool.

And I was just thinking, I need the part.
I really need it.

I'll make you a deal.

Find all 25 items on that
25-item scavenger hunt list

in two hours, the part's yours.

[gasps] Okay, thank you, so...

Why do you have a scavenger hunt list
just lying around?

Maria, I'm high all the time,
what am I supposed to do?

Yeah, I'm totally high right now.
Just hanging out.

I don't even have a line in this scene.

Okay. Clock time starts...

now!

Whoa! Hedge!

Okay... okay, this doesn't count!

Start the clock now!

I'm doing this for a scavenger hunt.

-Just kidding! I'm a cop.
-Whoa.

Good job.

Thank you.

[straining]

[both grunting]

-[Maria panting]
-[donkey braying]

I did it.
I got all the items on the list, Sarah.

Samesies, Tig.

Holy shit, Maria, I was kidding.

-[laughing]
-I was doing my patented

Sarah Silverman deadpan,

you know, "you can't tell
if I'm being real or not" thing.

Oh, you bitches!

-[continues laughing]
-Maria, you can have the part.

I don't need it.

I'm a female comedian,
AKA a billionaire, right, Tig?

Yeah, we're all very rich.

Wait, are you doing your
patented deadpan thing again?

[cell phone dialing]

Judd, Silverdog.
I'm out of the movie.

Hold on.

All yours, babe.

Judd! [stammers] Judd?

[whispers] Thank you, Sarah.

Judd, it's Maria.
Yes, Sarah doesn't wanna do it.

8:00 a.m. table read. Okay, I'll be there.
I love you so much!

Thank you so much, Sarah.
Thank you. I owe you forever.

God...

I started out, I got a loaf coach,

thinking I needed to slow down.
Now I realize

I needed to learn how
to take care of myself,

you know, to be a mother to me.

[braying]

-[panting] May I? May I?
-Of course.

[Maria] Thank you.

See you mothers later!

Whoa!

Hedge!

-Edit this out!
-[donkey braying]

No!

I missed the table read.

Oh, I'm a failure.

[Bert] Stop, Maria.

You may have failed
to attend the table read,

but you succeeded in something
of far greater importance.

You mothered yourself,
and now you are rested.

Even though fair Judd
will never take your calls again,

take this as a victory.

A victory. [chuckles]

I am rested.

I think I finally know what I'm doing.

[choir singing]
♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪

♪ More than half of the time ♪

Ready, guys?
This is Bruce Ben-Bacharach.

Chums Ahoy.
Laying down take number one.

[clears throat]

-Hey, Mortimer.
-Yeah, Randall?

-You hungry, buddy?
-You know I am, brother.

-You know what I'm hungry for?
-No, what is it?

I'm hungry for some seamen.

-[music playing]
-[seaman screams]

[Bruce singing]
♪ I got a mouth full of seamen, yeah ♪

♪ I think I need to have a little nosh ♪

[seaman screams]

♪ When I got me a mouthful of seamen ♪

♪ Then I shout by gum, by golly, by gosh ♪

[seamen screaming]

♪ I think I need some more
Of that blessed seamen ♪

♪ Oh, yeah
Gotta fill my belly to the brim ♪

-[bones crunching]
-[screaming continues]

♪ I look around and say ♪

I think I'm gonna have just a...
a little bit more of him...

and him, and him, yeah.

And him, and him!

Oh, yeah.

[music continues playing]
[screaming continues]

[music stops]