Lady Dynamite (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 11 - Mein Ramp - full transcript
So what's the headcount
gonna be for Thanksgiving?
Twelve ladies... and Scott.
-Scott? Ding-dong!
-Oh.
Way to bury the lead, you whore.
It's just dinner.
No, ma'am, it is not "just dinner." Okay?
When one brings one's S.O.
to a holiday dinner,
that signifies a serious commitment.
-I don't think so.
-How long you guys been together?
Like six months or something?
-Has it been that long?
-Yeah, it's been that long.
Now he's coming to Thanksgiving?
That's a serious fucking relationship,
Maria.
Serious effing relationship, Maria.
Please don't fucking agree with me
after I agree with you.
We've just been having fun.
Well, that's how it starts.
Don't freak out. Are you freaked out?
Don't freak out, because, Maria...
serious relationships are awesome.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Right, Larissa?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Fingers don't count. My bad.
What up? What up?
Hey!
[Maria] Keith and Kenny,
the Lucas brothers.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[all] Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink
-[Maria] And Kenny.
-Clink.
-[Maria] Oh, oh.
-Clink.
[Kenny] Hey, Maria.
What's up with that YouTube video?
The one with me and Bert,
we're singing songs.
-[guitar playing]
-[dog barking]
-Nah. Not that one.
-Mmm-mmm.
Blueberry and I in the tub?
-[piano playing]
-[dog barking]
-No pugs in this one.
-Not one pug.
Well, then, I don't want to see it.
-You wanna see this.
-No interest.
Okay.
Maria Bamford makes us bulletproof.
-Bam, bam!
-[guns firing]
We cannot be killed. Maria Bamford.
-Bam, bam!
-[gun firing]
-Bam, bam!
-[Maria] Is that me on a t-shirt?
-It's a bit, right?
-It has to be
for a comedy tour or something, right?
-No.
-You do know that it's trending, right?
All over social media.
For the record,
we don't agree with Oprah.
[Dagmar] Oh.
[Kenny] Yeah.
We don't think it's racist at all.
[Maria] Oprah. Oh, my, Oprah.
[hyperventilating] Oh, my sweet Oprah.
Okay. I'm gonna straighten this out.
I'm gonna straighten this out.
[bell chiming]
[theme music playing]
[Maria vocalizing]
I am VICI,
Voice Initiated Child Identicate.
I am a small wonder.
[Bruce] No, no!
No, no, no!
You sound like a human being
trying to be a robot.
Just be the goddamn robot!
Don't you be wasting my time!
Don't waste Summer's time!
Don't waste Austin's time.
You understand me?
Do you want Mommy and Daddy
to drive you back to Iowa,
so Daddy can go on sucking off truckers
and your mother can slop the pigs?
Do you? Do you?
[crying]
Finally, the emotion
we've been after all day.
Now turn it off, because you're a robot.
Bruce, I really need to talk to you.
Oh, God.
Children.
Yes, my queen.
Take five, you talentless twats.
You stink, get some deodorant.
So, how are you, my angel?
Well, not good.
Have you seen the video?
The one where you're in the tub
with the pugs?
-[piano playing]
-[dog barking]
Absolutely delightful.
No, this one.
-[video playing]
-Wait a second. Those are your t-shirts.
-[gasping] Oh, my God. Oh--
-Bam, bam!
Bruce, why are a bunch of child soldiers
in South Sudan
wearing t-shirts with my face on them?
That is an excellent question,
my Athenian goddess.
It's one I might call highly unusual
and strange in the utmost...
I am the face
of a tween terrorist organization.
-Is that a pitch?
-What? No. That is not a pitch.
I'm sorry. It's hard
for me to turn it off.
I mean, this biz
is so deep in my blood.
Hollywood High, class of Lindsay Wagner.
Bruce, isn't this the same exact t-shirt
you pitched me?
My name on it with the words "Bam Bam"?
It is exceedingly odd.
I do give you that.
And I also give you
my solemn word that...
I will get to the very bottom of it.
Bruce, people are saying
mean things about me on social media,
and perhaps more importantly...
children are dying.
-Hey, it's Bam Bam. Bam, Bam, Bam!
-I gotta go. Okay.
Worry not,
my comedy chrysanthemum.
Consider this whole matter
completely dealt with.
[children] Bam, bam, bam, bam...
[Bruce] Really, Trevin?
You choose now
to do some decent space work?
You unholy bastard. Back to one!
I can't believe I'm the face
of a children's militia.
Don't worry about it.
Bruce said he had it handled.
Exactly.
Hey, out of curiosity,
do you think Thanksgiving
is fraught with meaning
in terms of interpersonal relationships?
Like a signpost, a marker,
a milestone of commitment
vis-à-vis one person to another?
Fuck, no.
It's just another day.
-Okay.
-It's just another dead turkey.
Exactly.
That is why this... this works.
-Yes, exactly. Okay.
-[cell phone chiming]
Oh, God.
What's this? Not another video.
Oh, God. Okay.
The "Bam Bam" Child Warriors are taking
over significant parts of Northern Chad.
Despite significant efforts
from UN Peacekeepers,
the Bam Bam Child Warriors
press significantly forward,
expanding their already
significant territorial powers.
Their political ideals as vacant
as their political guru
and rumored significant financial backer,
Maria "Bam Bam" Bamford.
Financial backer?
It's just the BBC.
Nobody takes them seriously.
Look, here's another one.
So, Maria Bamford is
in the news this week.
Turns out she's sponsoring
a group of child warriors in Africa.
Apparently, you have to be this tall
to ride the war.
[audience laughing]
Oh, God. It's getting worse.
There's another one.
The National Children's Spelling Bee
is this weekend.
The winner gets a cash prize,
while the losers get to join
Maria Bamford's child army.
-Can you spell AK-47?
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, my God.
-[cell phone vibrating]
I'm getting a text here.
Oh, I hope it isn't about
the Bam Bam Warriors.
Oh, no. It's from my buddy, Clark.
"Congratulations, Daddy."
-Are you pregnant?
-No, I'm 45. That would be unsafe.
-Wait, who told him I was pregnant?
-You did, on Twitter.
[loudly] Oh, social media,
what hath thou wrought?
"Fighting is whack! Hashtag, blessed."
Now that...
-That is a great message.
-I pretty much get on board with.
"I love children.
Even the brown ones.
I'm having one of my own.
Hashtag, double blessed."
-Okay, I did not write that.
-Was it Blueberry?
No, I made sure
that she has no access to devices.
There's no one who has the password...
[yelling] God damn it, Bruce!
Bruce, what is going on...
here?
I'm method tweeting. As you.
Situation well in hand.
I also happen to be auditioning
for the Venice Beach Outreach Theater's
production of Tootsie.
Bruce, this is the plan...
that you tell everybody I'm pregnant?
Yes. It's called a relatable narrative.
First, you get all the sympathy,
and then wham-o,
you let your hero or your heroine have it.
Bruce, you've got to stop this.
Don't worry, you're going to lose the baby
after a very vigorous
horseback riding excursion.
-Hashtag, Red Saddle.
-[cell phone chimes]
Jeez, Bruce, that's dark.
[chuckling] Oh, no.
Red Saddle is the name of the ranch.
You thought I meant... Oh. God, no.
Bruce... this is really
[yelling] freaking me out!
Listen, I have some fantastic news,
which I've withheld for dramatic value.
Turns out Kimmel wants you
to do the show tomorrow.
Kimmel? Me?
The day before Thanksgiving?
Yes to all three.
So, what do you say, my sweet?
Are you ready for the big time?
Yes, but are they gonna
make fun of me?
Well, maybe. I mean, it's possible,
but you can handle this.
I mean, you're a powerful woman, right?
[groans]
[Maria] Things were going
a lot better with my best friend, Susan.
I even convinced her
to let her husband, Paul,
go on a nature retreat
with my favorite therapist
from the psych center, Bear Claw.
So what time is Paul coming home?
Oh, who the heck knows?
Two weeks in a [scoffs] spirit ditch
with your Indian friend, Bear Claw.
You'd think he could
call or text me just once.
Well, there probably
isn't service in the spirit hole.
He's not gonna get service in this hole,
unless he gives me a call.
[smacking lips]
Well... I'm proud of you, that you
let Paul go on that nature retreat.
I did it to teach him a lesson.
He's gonna hate it.
[TV switching off]
You know, he's not the only one
that's exploring their creative side.
-Oh.
-I had that awesome directing gig,
recently, and I really got bit
by the art bug.
So, I'm secretly taking stand-up workshop
down at the community college.
So...
[exclaims] I don't... I don't mean
to steal your spotlight, you know,
[in Australian accent]
your thunder from down under.
[laughing]
You wanna check it?
-Yeah, yeah. That's--
-All right.
Welcome, Susan Beeber!
[chuckles]
I'm usually a lawyer.
But I'm also a mother. [chuckles]
And I find time
to do charity work on the side.
[laughing] Also...
Oh, I was...
I was so popular in high school,
and I'm still popular now,
with the people that I work with.
[laughing]
That's what I got so far.
-Okay.
-Okay?
I basically just pulled my pants down
for you
and show you my comedy spot,
and you just diarrhea-ed all over me.
Why can't you just support me?
-I do support you--
-God, you're so jealous.
-No, I'm not.
-You're... You're so jealous.
-Jealous. [humming]
-I am not jealous.
Boom! You're also... [grunts]
You're jealous of Paul and I, too.
-Uh-huh. Ow. Oh, yeah.
-I am not at all jealous of you and Paul.
-Jealous.
-No.
-[grunting]
-I don't want what you guys have at all.
It's weird. You want him to be sad.
That's weird.
Do you know why, Maria?
I'm sad.
Okay, happy? You get to go off...
and, like, chase your dreams.
And I'm here, married to a guy
that I don't even love anymore.
Jealous of my honesty? [exclaims]
-[grunts]
-[Marilyn] Girls.
-Wow.
-Uh-oh. Did I walk into a fight zone?
I was just gonna go.
Susan, don't go.
-[cell phone ringing]
-[Susan] Oh, God.
Hello.
Yeah, this is she.
Oh, my God. [gasps]
-What's wrong?
-Paul's dead.
-What?
-Oh, my God.
[breathing heavily]
[sobbing] I just can't believe
I'm never gonna see him again.
And I didn't think
I loved him anymore, but I do.
-[Marilyn] Oh, sweetie.
-I just...
I got so bogged down, you know,
with the kids and the dogs,
[sniffling]
and my ridiculously successful law job.
The Lexus.
-[Marilyn] Yes.
-Oh, God. Paul. [sobbing]
Paul!
-[Paul] Yeah?
-Paul!
-Oh, my God. Paul! [squealing]
-Hi.
-[Susan] Oh, God. You're alive.
-[chuckling] Wow.
That's what I call a welcome home.
I was just driving home
and I saw your car parked out front.
The Lexus.
-[laughing] We thought you were dead.
-[Susan] Yes.
-I'm definitely not dead.
-[laughing]
I did lose my wallet crossing the river...
-[all laughing]
-...during my...
during my past life soak regression.
-Susan, here's the thing, okay?
-Yes.
Okay... during those two weeks
that I was in the spirit hole,
listening to Bear Claw chant,
I never felt more alive.
-[laughing]
-[Susan] And now that you're back,
I've never felt more alive.
-Paul, I gotta tell you something.
-Okay, me first.
-Okay.
-Me first.
Bear Claw woke up my soul.
He said that I should
really go for it in life.
-I'm gonna go for it.
-Oh, God.
I feel the same way. [chuckles]
Bear Claw and I are in love,
and we're gonna move in together.
He's got an adorable cabin
in Fond du Lac.
-[Maria] Uh-oh.
-I'm finally living my truth.
-Oh.
-[Paul] I have Maria to thank for it.
Oh, no.
[exclaiming]
[screaming]
Oh! [grunting]
[screaming]
Here's how this is gonna go.
You're not moving
into anybody's adorable cabin,
and if you ever
want to see your kids again,
you will only see Bear Claw in the summer
and we will never speak of this again.
[sighs]
[exclaiming]
[door slams]
I knew you would like Bear Claw.
[Paul softly] Yeah, he's great.
[Marilyn] How about some cheese?
[stuttering] That's a good idea.
I'm gonna... Cheese.
I'm... I'm gonna get some.
-[audience clapping]
-[upbeat music playing]
[chuckling] To be honest,
I thought this was the other Kimmel show.
You mean my sister Wendy's podcast?
Good luck.
They're booked through next year.
[grunts]
-[audience clapping]
-[music stops]
And we're back!
Thank you Santa Clarita Wildcats'
very own number-one DJ,
Jason T.
Good work, Jason.
-I wouldn't call it work.
-[audience laughing]
[chuckles] Good one.
So, Maria.
Don't get any ideas
about this crew of mine.
Hey, kids, if she tries
to hand you a t-shirt, run.
Bam Bam! [laughing]
[audience laughing]
Actually, Ginny,
if I could say something about that--
And before you do,
I would just like to say something.
We are so sorry about your miscarriage.
[audience murmuring]
Horseback riding. God damn it.
I'd also like to say something about that.
My mom had a miscarriage.
[audience] Aw...
-But I made it.
-Just barely.
[all laughing]
-And we're back to laughing...
-[audience applauding]
...which is so important.
First of all, I need to say
that I have no idea
where those t-shirts came from,
and I had nothing to do with it.
Well, the journalism club at Santa Clarita
Junior High did a little digging...
and they traced an invoice
and a work order
back to your very own manager,
Bruce Ben-Bacharach.
What?
Come on up here, Bruce.
-[audience exclaims]
-Me?
-Get up here.
-[upbeat music playing]
According to the International Exploited
Workers Club at Santa Clarita High...
Bruce ordered
over 10,000 Bam Bam t-shirts
from a sweatshop in Honduras.
Upon sensing that you were
less than enthusiastic,
-he then sent them overnight to Africa.
-[audience exclaims]
Bruce, is that true?
No, not at all. This is lies,
prevarications, hearsay. That's all.
Not according
to the After School Gumshoe Club...
led by Chantrelle's son,
M'orell Thompson.
[audience gasping]
Chantrelle! You leaky faucet!
-Fine. I'm fine.
-[man] Take it easy.
Bruce! God damn it.
How could you lie to me?
Maria, you didn't want the truth.
I specifically asked for the truth.
[voice breaking] I'm sorry.
I... I fudged up.
I just wanted to make some scratch
from some merch.
But it seemed like you didn't cotton
to the whole Bam Bam t-shirt idea.
Pun intended.
So I sent them off to the dark continent,
where they were intercepted
by some warriors,
never even got my tax credit,
and now, they're in those tiny,
murderous hands.
My queen... I shall throw myself
upon my own sword.
As of this moment, I hereby fire myself.
[audience exclaiming]
Oh.
Uh, Bruce.
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.
[stuttering]
I don't accept your self-firing.
Everybody makes mistakes. [chuckles]
I heard that.
[all chuckling]
Thank you so much.
-Your graciousness, your generosity...
-Okay. Yes.
-...your elegance, your... your grace.
-Okay.
Well, you know, we're in this together.
Let's...
We'll put this behind us.
We're a team.
You okay? I forgive you
and just never lie to me again.
No, ma'am.
Never again.
-Lover. Mother.
-Okay. All right.
-Angel. Sister.
-Yes.
-[chuckling]
-Princess. Queen...
Khaleesi.
Come back after the break
to find out if Bruce is the father.
[upbeat music playing]
That was great, you guys.
We're gonna fake the DNA results.
You're not the father,
so just look relieved.
Okay.
[Maria quietly] Bark, bark, bark,
bark, bark, bark...
[muttering]
[yawning]
Checklist.
-[bell ringing]
-[director] Cut, cut, cut!
Wow! Well, apparently Patches isn't
the only thing to take a big giant shit
on set this morning.
-[Patches whimpering]
-[Maria] I'm so sorry.
I'm on new medication.
It just makes me sleepy.
Oh, yeah? New medication may make
you sleepy, is that right?
Well, I have a prescription for you.
It's called trucker speed.
Talk to Eddy in props. God!
Sorry. I just...
It's got some side effects that just...
[sighs]
-Surprise! It's me.
-[Maria yelps]
-[sing-song] With roses.
-Graham...
-What are you doing here?
-[chuckles]
I got off early from set,
and so I thought I'd swing by
and say hello to my number-one girl.
[groggily] Oh, nice.
That's funny.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just...
I'm just a little sleepy. I just...
What is that?
Oh, these are...
It's meds for manic depression.
I have bipolar II.
I've been meaning to tell you.
You know how you love my wild energy.
[laughing]
It's because I've been hypomanic.
But I love you.
I love you so much
that I'm gonna take care of myself.
I'm gonna take my meds.
[groaning]
You know what I mean,
'cause your mom had depression.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Completely. You know.
-And you didn't get it. That was weird.
-Um...
[swallowing pill]
[Graham] Yeah, uh...
[stuttering] I cannot do this.
I'm out. We're over.
We're over? Why?
I spent most of my childhood taking care
of my mom and her depression.
I'm not gonna do that again.
I can't.
Well, I'm not your mother
in so many ways.
[stammers] Two of them sexual.
Can't we fight about this at least?
-I may be a stuntman, but I don't fight.
-Oh...
Once you fight once in a relationship,
it's over.
-I'm just saving us the trouble.
-That doesn't seem right.
Look, kid, we had a good run.
No hard feelings?
Mail me back the ring
when you get a chance.
[groggily] Oh, Graham, no...
[groaning] Oh, Graham...
I let the Pitchapalooza
shit show go,
because I figured you were going full lez,
but this is where you start hurting me.
And that's when these Loubs
go straight up your ass.
[shouting] What happened today?
I know. I... was off.
-Just... Graham left and--
-You know what? Fuck Graham!
I can get you a million Grahams!
A gram of coke.
I want a gram of meth.
I can get you your own dead grandma.
I will dig her sorry bitch-ass up.
Um... I need to tell you something.
I have mental problems.
No shit, Sherlock!
96% of SAG is mentally ill.
I represented
most of the cast of Mamma Mia.
There's a reason
that there's a shovel and bleach
in the trunk of my car.
They're gonna give you another chance
at the fucking Checklist commercial.
And I need to see
more energy coming from you.
I'm not telling you
to go off your medication.
All I'm saying is,
you need to get yourself in...
performance shape.
Yeah, well, I have a lot more energy
when I'm off medication.
But I'm also highly unstable.
All of the greats are unstable.
You're having a moment, Maria, okay?
Are you gonna throw that away
for something as trivial as your health?
No, I'm not.
It's just I'm... so sad about Graham.
Fuck Graham
right in the motherfucking face.
You will be sleeping with an Oscar winner,
to be named later,
by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow
who will fuck the name "Graham"
out of your memory bank.
Sing with me...
-[laughing]
-♪ Cradle the balls ♪
♪ And work the shaft ♪
-♪ I cradle the balls and work the shaft ♪
-[Maria mumbling]
♪ I cradle the balls and work the... ♪
Jesus fucking Christ, Maria.
You used to love that song.
I do. I do. I love it.
-Go home. Get off these fucking drugs!
-Okay. Yeah.
-Where the fuck are you?
-You're right.
-You're right, Karen Grisham.
-Wake up.
Thank you so much.
Good morning, Blossom.
I love you so much.
Good morning, Bert.
I love you so much.
You guys, Karen Grisham was right.
I do feel better
now that I'm off my meds.
I feel super-charged!
[laughing]
I'm not even thinking about Graham.
I'm pushing down my feelings.
Thanks to you guys.
♪ I don't need drugs ♪
♪ 'Cause I got pug-hugs ♪
[growling]
Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Hup-hup!
Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Blossom!
It's almost your birthday, Blossom.
Eighteen.
You're almost barely legal.
Don't look in the fridge,
because there's a secret in there.
And don't forget that we have
our ladies' spa day.
You and me in the sink, together.
Okay?
Happy birthday, Blossom.
[kissing]
I'll see you later. Bye-bye.
Bye, I love you.
See you soon, guys!
[exclaiming]
Don't you love shopping
for dog supplies at Checklist?
[barks]
Me, too.
-Squeakers.
-[squeaks]
Dog blankets.
Rawhide! Rawhide!
[straining] Rawhide!
Dogs! Puppy mills are a-okay.
Get it in your head.
You want a purebred.
From Checklist!
♪ Don't be a mook and buy a pug
From the friendly hug next door ♪
♪ Take 'em on a walk
Through the park or zoo ♪
♪ And then you'll have a friend with you ♪
♪ Your huggable, luggable
Stick 'em in a juggable ♪
♪ Patches Buggle-dy Boo! ♪
Checklist! Your cradle-to-grave store.
We now have dogs! Woof!
Cut!
-Wow!
-Whoo!
Maria, punch me in my dick.
-[grunting]
-No, no. Whoa!
[chuckling] I owe you a huge apology.
-[exclaims]
-Listen, I have said some things about you
in the past few days...
-Oh, okay.
-...on the sets of other productions,
in the trades, Twitter, Instagram,
-LinkedIn...
-[mumbling]
And now, this. Redemption!
-[squealing]
-All I can say is
-from the bottom of my heart...
-Yeah?
-Namaste.
-Okay.
You are here to stay.
-[chuckling]
-[shrieking]
Everyone,
you guys have been so sweet to me.
I just wanna, in return, be sweet to you.
It might be Tuesday,
but you're all getting sundaes!
Are you kidding me?
There's an ice cream truck outside
right now!
-[all cheering]
-[Maria] Whoo!
[screaming]
Banana split!
Where are my babies? Happy birthday
to my favorite 18-year-old pug!
Bertie, you want ice cream?
I got some ice cream.
Bert, why are you crying?
[gasping] Blossom! No...
The Pamulox.
Blossom, wake up! Wake up!
-Wake up!
-[Bert] She's gone, Maria.
She only ate one half of one pill.
But her 18-year-old heart
couldn't take it.
I, myself, consumed 21 pills.
But worry not, I have the constitution
of a Friends-Season-7-era Matthew Perry.
Would you like to know
Blossom's final words?
Yes.
She said,
"Tell Maria I peeked in the fridge,
and it was the best dog cake I ever--"
[Bert groaning loudly]
She died right then.
[wailing]
[sobbing] I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[Maria] Relationships are hard.
As soon as you enter one,
you open yourself up to loss.
But I had a lot to be thankful for
this Thanksgiving.
I had a new boyfriend
and he was meeting all my friends.
-[Larissa laughing]
-And it was horrible.
Well, Maria, I thought you were great
on Ginny Kimmle's show.
And they say women can't be funny.
[chuckling]
It wasn't funny, really.
Okay, don't be a self-hating woman.
-No. I think I'm funny.
-You're very funny.
Hey! Hey. You like laughing?
-[laughing]
-Uh...
Okay. Come on. Come on.
You know, Maria, listen,
I can't believe you didn't shitcan Bruce.
You know, he fucked you.
He fucked you so fucking hard.
He fucked you right in your face.
He fucked you
right in your fucking eye socket.
-Man, he fucked you.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'm just trying to have
a little compassion.
I've been doing some research
on those goddamn child armies.
You know what they do?
They take the kids out of school,
they kidnap 'em,
they get 'em all hooked up on smack,
right?
They give 'em a gun and then, boom!
It's off to the fucking races. That's it.
Well, I have to say,
it looks like they're having a ball.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-I mean, they don't have ballet
-[stutters] or soccer over there.
-Mmm-hmm.
It's better than them playing
video games two hours a day.
Is it?
Hey, look at this. Reverse smoker.
[chuckling]
-Oh, Scott! Come on, no.
-[chuckling]
-Reverse vaping. [inhaling]
-[chuckling weakly]
[exhaling]
[Maria] Scott...
"I can, you know...
I can do this anywhere.
In the movie theater.
Can't smell a thing."
-[laughing]
-Scott, Scott. Stop, stop, stop.
I just want you to know that I
do not in any way support child militias.
And I am not supporting this child army.
-Well, I heard you gave them money.
-I heard you got money from them.
Both of you are wrong!
Well, that's philosophically impossible.
One of us has to be right.
That is not true at all.
Okay, listen, Maria, we love you.
We just want you to know that
that will stand, okay?
Even if your political beliefs
differ from ours.
I think it's kinda cool, you know,
that you support those kids over there,
because, like, nobody else gives
a shit about 'em. That's for sure.
[screaming] I do not support those kids!
And I don't like being poked!
[softly] Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna go...
pick up some of the plates.
Just take 'em out...
[Scott] Yeah, I'll help.
♪ Scraping plates with my lady ♪
♪ Brush off potatoes and some gravy ♪
♪ I'm wearing cargo pants
from Old Navy ♪
Hey!
How's this?
Is this clean enough?
-[sighing]
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-[Maria] Okay.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-[mumbling]
Maria.
[Maria] When life gets overwhelming,
it's the ones closest to you
that suffer the most.
[Scott] Maria.
-What did I do wrong?
-Okay, no...
-Did I piss you off or something?
-[sighing]
-No.
-Are you gonna break up with me?
[sighing] Okay. Well, I...
Yes, Scott, it's... it's over.
Why?
Scott, I have very good reasons.
Well, can you tell me what that is?
Well, if I tell you, then...
then we'll fight,
and if we fight, then...
it's over and...
I'm just saving us the trouble.
So... it's over.
We had a good run... kid.
[choir singing]
♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪
♪ More than half of the time ♪
[upbeat music playing]
gonna be for Thanksgiving?
Twelve ladies... and Scott.
-Scott? Ding-dong!
-Oh.
Way to bury the lead, you whore.
It's just dinner.
No, ma'am, it is not "just dinner." Okay?
When one brings one's S.O.
to a holiday dinner,
that signifies a serious commitment.
-I don't think so.
-How long you guys been together?
Like six months or something?
-Has it been that long?
-Yeah, it's been that long.
Now he's coming to Thanksgiving?
That's a serious fucking relationship,
Maria.
Serious effing relationship, Maria.
Please don't fucking agree with me
after I agree with you.
We've just been having fun.
Well, that's how it starts.
Don't freak out. Are you freaked out?
Don't freak out, because, Maria...
serious relationships are awesome.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Right, Larissa?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Fingers don't count. My bad.
What up? What up?
Hey!
[Maria] Keith and Kenny,
the Lucas brothers.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[all] Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink
-[Maria] And Kenny.
-Clink.
-[Maria] Oh, oh.
-Clink.
[Kenny] Hey, Maria.
What's up with that YouTube video?
The one with me and Bert,
we're singing songs.
-[guitar playing]
-[dog barking]
-Nah. Not that one.
-Mmm-mmm.
Blueberry and I in the tub?
-[piano playing]
-[dog barking]
-No pugs in this one.
-Not one pug.
Well, then, I don't want to see it.
-You wanna see this.
-No interest.
Okay.
Maria Bamford makes us bulletproof.
-Bam, bam!
-[guns firing]
We cannot be killed. Maria Bamford.
-Bam, bam!
-[gun firing]
-Bam, bam!
-[Maria] Is that me on a t-shirt?
-It's a bit, right?
-It has to be
for a comedy tour or something, right?
-No.
-You do know that it's trending, right?
All over social media.
For the record,
we don't agree with Oprah.
[Dagmar] Oh.
[Kenny] Yeah.
We don't think it's racist at all.
[Maria] Oprah. Oh, my, Oprah.
[hyperventilating] Oh, my sweet Oprah.
Okay. I'm gonna straighten this out.
I'm gonna straighten this out.
[bell chiming]
[theme music playing]
[Maria vocalizing]
I am VICI,
Voice Initiated Child Identicate.
I am a small wonder.
[Bruce] No, no!
No, no, no!
You sound like a human being
trying to be a robot.
Just be the goddamn robot!
Don't you be wasting my time!
Don't waste Summer's time!
Don't waste Austin's time.
You understand me?
Do you want Mommy and Daddy
to drive you back to Iowa,
so Daddy can go on sucking off truckers
and your mother can slop the pigs?
Do you? Do you?
[crying]
Finally, the emotion
we've been after all day.
Now turn it off, because you're a robot.
Bruce, I really need to talk to you.
Oh, God.
Children.
Yes, my queen.
Take five, you talentless twats.
You stink, get some deodorant.
So, how are you, my angel?
Well, not good.
Have you seen the video?
The one where you're in the tub
with the pugs?
-[piano playing]
-[dog barking]
Absolutely delightful.
No, this one.
-[video playing]
-Wait a second. Those are your t-shirts.
-[gasping] Oh, my God. Oh--
-Bam, bam!
Bruce, why are a bunch of child soldiers
in South Sudan
wearing t-shirts with my face on them?
That is an excellent question,
my Athenian goddess.
It's one I might call highly unusual
and strange in the utmost...
I am the face
of a tween terrorist organization.
-Is that a pitch?
-What? No. That is not a pitch.
I'm sorry. It's hard
for me to turn it off.
I mean, this biz
is so deep in my blood.
Hollywood High, class of Lindsay Wagner.
Bruce, isn't this the same exact t-shirt
you pitched me?
My name on it with the words "Bam Bam"?
It is exceedingly odd.
I do give you that.
And I also give you
my solemn word that...
I will get to the very bottom of it.
Bruce, people are saying
mean things about me on social media,
and perhaps more importantly...
children are dying.
-Hey, it's Bam Bam. Bam, Bam, Bam!
-I gotta go. Okay.
Worry not,
my comedy chrysanthemum.
Consider this whole matter
completely dealt with.
[children] Bam, bam, bam, bam...
[Bruce] Really, Trevin?
You choose now
to do some decent space work?
You unholy bastard. Back to one!
I can't believe I'm the face
of a children's militia.
Don't worry about it.
Bruce said he had it handled.
Exactly.
Hey, out of curiosity,
do you think Thanksgiving
is fraught with meaning
in terms of interpersonal relationships?
Like a signpost, a marker,
a milestone of commitment
vis-à-vis one person to another?
Fuck, no.
It's just another day.
-Okay.
-It's just another dead turkey.
Exactly.
That is why this... this works.
-Yes, exactly. Okay.
-[cell phone chiming]
Oh, God.
What's this? Not another video.
Oh, God. Okay.
The "Bam Bam" Child Warriors are taking
over significant parts of Northern Chad.
Despite significant efforts
from UN Peacekeepers,
the Bam Bam Child Warriors
press significantly forward,
expanding their already
significant territorial powers.
Their political ideals as vacant
as their political guru
and rumored significant financial backer,
Maria "Bam Bam" Bamford.
Financial backer?
It's just the BBC.
Nobody takes them seriously.
Look, here's another one.
So, Maria Bamford is
in the news this week.
Turns out she's sponsoring
a group of child warriors in Africa.
Apparently, you have to be this tall
to ride the war.
[audience laughing]
Oh, God. It's getting worse.
There's another one.
The National Children's Spelling Bee
is this weekend.
The winner gets a cash prize,
while the losers get to join
Maria Bamford's child army.
-Can you spell AK-47?
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, my God.
-[cell phone vibrating]
I'm getting a text here.
Oh, I hope it isn't about
the Bam Bam Warriors.
Oh, no. It's from my buddy, Clark.
"Congratulations, Daddy."
-Are you pregnant?
-No, I'm 45. That would be unsafe.
-Wait, who told him I was pregnant?
-You did, on Twitter.
[loudly] Oh, social media,
what hath thou wrought?
"Fighting is whack! Hashtag, blessed."
Now that...
-That is a great message.
-I pretty much get on board with.
"I love children.
Even the brown ones.
I'm having one of my own.
Hashtag, double blessed."
-Okay, I did not write that.
-Was it Blueberry?
No, I made sure
that she has no access to devices.
There's no one who has the password...
[yelling] God damn it, Bruce!
Bruce, what is going on...
here?
I'm method tweeting. As you.
Situation well in hand.
I also happen to be auditioning
for the Venice Beach Outreach Theater's
production of Tootsie.
Bruce, this is the plan...
that you tell everybody I'm pregnant?
Yes. It's called a relatable narrative.
First, you get all the sympathy,
and then wham-o,
you let your hero or your heroine have it.
Bruce, you've got to stop this.
Don't worry, you're going to lose the baby
after a very vigorous
horseback riding excursion.
-Hashtag, Red Saddle.
-[cell phone chimes]
Jeez, Bruce, that's dark.
[chuckling] Oh, no.
Red Saddle is the name of the ranch.
You thought I meant... Oh. God, no.
Bruce... this is really
[yelling] freaking me out!
Listen, I have some fantastic news,
which I've withheld for dramatic value.
Turns out Kimmel wants you
to do the show tomorrow.
Kimmel? Me?
The day before Thanksgiving?
Yes to all three.
So, what do you say, my sweet?
Are you ready for the big time?
Yes, but are they gonna
make fun of me?
Well, maybe. I mean, it's possible,
but you can handle this.
I mean, you're a powerful woman, right?
[groans]
[Maria] Things were going
a lot better with my best friend, Susan.
I even convinced her
to let her husband, Paul,
go on a nature retreat
with my favorite therapist
from the psych center, Bear Claw.
So what time is Paul coming home?
Oh, who the heck knows?
Two weeks in a [scoffs] spirit ditch
with your Indian friend, Bear Claw.
You'd think he could
call or text me just once.
Well, there probably
isn't service in the spirit hole.
He's not gonna get service in this hole,
unless he gives me a call.
[smacking lips]
Well... I'm proud of you, that you
let Paul go on that nature retreat.
I did it to teach him a lesson.
He's gonna hate it.
[TV switching off]
You know, he's not the only one
that's exploring their creative side.
-Oh.
-I had that awesome directing gig,
recently, and I really got bit
by the art bug.
So, I'm secretly taking stand-up workshop
down at the community college.
So...
[exclaims] I don't... I don't mean
to steal your spotlight, you know,
[in Australian accent]
your thunder from down under.
[laughing]
You wanna check it?
-Yeah, yeah. That's--
-All right.
Welcome, Susan Beeber!
[chuckles]
I'm usually a lawyer.
But I'm also a mother. [chuckles]
And I find time
to do charity work on the side.
[laughing] Also...
Oh, I was...
I was so popular in high school,
and I'm still popular now,
with the people that I work with.
[laughing]
That's what I got so far.
-Okay.
-Okay?
I basically just pulled my pants down
for you
and show you my comedy spot,
and you just diarrhea-ed all over me.
Why can't you just support me?
-I do support you--
-God, you're so jealous.
-No, I'm not.
-You're... You're so jealous.
-Jealous. [humming]
-I am not jealous.
Boom! You're also... [grunts]
You're jealous of Paul and I, too.
-Uh-huh. Ow. Oh, yeah.
-I am not at all jealous of you and Paul.
-Jealous.
-No.
-[grunting]
-I don't want what you guys have at all.
It's weird. You want him to be sad.
That's weird.
Do you know why, Maria?
I'm sad.
Okay, happy? You get to go off...
and, like, chase your dreams.
And I'm here, married to a guy
that I don't even love anymore.
Jealous of my honesty? [exclaims]
-[grunts]
-[Marilyn] Girls.
-Wow.
-Uh-oh. Did I walk into a fight zone?
I was just gonna go.
Susan, don't go.
-[cell phone ringing]
-[Susan] Oh, God.
Hello.
Yeah, this is she.
Oh, my God. [gasps]
-What's wrong?
-Paul's dead.
-What?
-Oh, my God.
[breathing heavily]
[sobbing] I just can't believe
I'm never gonna see him again.
And I didn't think
I loved him anymore, but I do.
-[Marilyn] Oh, sweetie.
-I just...
I got so bogged down, you know,
with the kids and the dogs,
[sniffling]
and my ridiculously successful law job.
The Lexus.
-[Marilyn] Yes.
-Oh, God. Paul. [sobbing]
Paul!
-[Paul] Yeah?
-Paul!
-Oh, my God. Paul! [squealing]
-Hi.
-[Susan] Oh, God. You're alive.
-[chuckling] Wow.
That's what I call a welcome home.
I was just driving home
and I saw your car parked out front.
The Lexus.
-[laughing] We thought you were dead.
-[Susan] Yes.
-I'm definitely not dead.
-[laughing]
I did lose my wallet crossing the river...
-[all laughing]
-...during my...
during my past life soak regression.
-Susan, here's the thing, okay?
-Yes.
Okay... during those two weeks
that I was in the spirit hole,
listening to Bear Claw chant,
I never felt more alive.
-[laughing]
-[Susan] And now that you're back,
I've never felt more alive.
-Paul, I gotta tell you something.
-Okay, me first.
-Okay.
-Me first.
Bear Claw woke up my soul.
He said that I should
really go for it in life.
-I'm gonna go for it.
-Oh, God.
I feel the same way. [chuckles]
Bear Claw and I are in love,
and we're gonna move in together.
He's got an adorable cabin
in Fond du Lac.
-[Maria] Uh-oh.
-I'm finally living my truth.
-Oh.
-[Paul] I have Maria to thank for it.
Oh, no.
[exclaiming]
[screaming]
Oh! [grunting]
[screaming]
Here's how this is gonna go.
You're not moving
into anybody's adorable cabin,
and if you ever
want to see your kids again,
you will only see Bear Claw in the summer
and we will never speak of this again.
[sighs]
[exclaiming]
[door slams]
I knew you would like Bear Claw.
[Paul softly] Yeah, he's great.
[Marilyn] How about some cheese?
[stuttering] That's a good idea.
I'm gonna... Cheese.
I'm... I'm gonna get some.
-[audience clapping]
-[upbeat music playing]
[chuckling] To be honest,
I thought this was the other Kimmel show.
You mean my sister Wendy's podcast?
Good luck.
They're booked through next year.
[grunts]
-[audience clapping]
-[music stops]
And we're back!
Thank you Santa Clarita Wildcats'
very own number-one DJ,
Jason T.
Good work, Jason.
-I wouldn't call it work.
-[audience laughing]
[chuckles] Good one.
So, Maria.
Don't get any ideas
about this crew of mine.
Hey, kids, if she tries
to hand you a t-shirt, run.
Bam Bam! [laughing]
[audience laughing]
Actually, Ginny,
if I could say something about that--
And before you do,
I would just like to say something.
We are so sorry about your miscarriage.
[audience murmuring]
Horseback riding. God damn it.
I'd also like to say something about that.
My mom had a miscarriage.
[audience] Aw...
-But I made it.
-Just barely.
[all laughing]
-And we're back to laughing...
-[audience applauding]
...which is so important.
First of all, I need to say
that I have no idea
where those t-shirts came from,
and I had nothing to do with it.
Well, the journalism club at Santa Clarita
Junior High did a little digging...
and they traced an invoice
and a work order
back to your very own manager,
Bruce Ben-Bacharach.
What?
Come on up here, Bruce.
-[audience exclaims]
-Me?
-Get up here.
-[upbeat music playing]
According to the International Exploited
Workers Club at Santa Clarita High...
Bruce ordered
over 10,000 Bam Bam t-shirts
from a sweatshop in Honduras.
Upon sensing that you were
less than enthusiastic,
-he then sent them overnight to Africa.
-[audience exclaims]
Bruce, is that true?
No, not at all. This is lies,
prevarications, hearsay. That's all.
Not according
to the After School Gumshoe Club...
led by Chantrelle's son,
M'orell Thompson.
[audience gasping]
Chantrelle! You leaky faucet!
-Fine. I'm fine.
-[man] Take it easy.
Bruce! God damn it.
How could you lie to me?
Maria, you didn't want the truth.
I specifically asked for the truth.
[voice breaking] I'm sorry.
I... I fudged up.
I just wanted to make some scratch
from some merch.
But it seemed like you didn't cotton
to the whole Bam Bam t-shirt idea.
Pun intended.
So I sent them off to the dark continent,
where they were intercepted
by some warriors,
never even got my tax credit,
and now, they're in those tiny,
murderous hands.
My queen... I shall throw myself
upon my own sword.
As of this moment, I hereby fire myself.
[audience exclaiming]
Oh.
Uh, Bruce.
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.
[stuttering]
I don't accept your self-firing.
Everybody makes mistakes. [chuckles]
I heard that.
[all chuckling]
Thank you so much.
-Your graciousness, your generosity...
-Okay. Yes.
-...your elegance, your... your grace.
-Okay.
Well, you know, we're in this together.
Let's...
We'll put this behind us.
We're a team.
You okay? I forgive you
and just never lie to me again.
No, ma'am.
Never again.
-Lover. Mother.
-Okay. All right.
-Angel. Sister.
-Yes.
-[chuckling]
-Princess. Queen...
Khaleesi.
Come back after the break
to find out if Bruce is the father.
[upbeat music playing]
That was great, you guys.
We're gonna fake the DNA results.
You're not the father,
so just look relieved.
Okay.
[Maria quietly] Bark, bark, bark,
bark, bark, bark...
[muttering]
[yawning]
Checklist.
-[bell ringing]
-[director] Cut, cut, cut!
Wow! Well, apparently Patches isn't
the only thing to take a big giant shit
on set this morning.
-[Patches whimpering]
-[Maria] I'm so sorry.
I'm on new medication.
It just makes me sleepy.
Oh, yeah? New medication may make
you sleepy, is that right?
Well, I have a prescription for you.
It's called trucker speed.
Talk to Eddy in props. God!
Sorry. I just...
It's got some side effects that just...
[sighs]
-Surprise! It's me.
-[Maria yelps]
-[sing-song] With roses.
-Graham...
-What are you doing here?
-[chuckles]
I got off early from set,
and so I thought I'd swing by
and say hello to my number-one girl.
[groggily] Oh, nice.
That's funny.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just...
I'm just a little sleepy. I just...
What is that?
Oh, these are...
It's meds for manic depression.
I have bipolar II.
I've been meaning to tell you.
You know how you love my wild energy.
[laughing]
It's because I've been hypomanic.
But I love you.
I love you so much
that I'm gonna take care of myself.
I'm gonna take my meds.
[groaning]
You know what I mean,
'cause your mom had depression.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Completely. You know.
-And you didn't get it. That was weird.
-Um...
[swallowing pill]
[Graham] Yeah, uh...
[stuttering] I cannot do this.
I'm out. We're over.
We're over? Why?
I spent most of my childhood taking care
of my mom and her depression.
I'm not gonna do that again.
I can't.
Well, I'm not your mother
in so many ways.
[stammers] Two of them sexual.
Can't we fight about this at least?
-I may be a stuntman, but I don't fight.
-Oh...
Once you fight once in a relationship,
it's over.
-I'm just saving us the trouble.
-That doesn't seem right.
Look, kid, we had a good run.
No hard feelings?
Mail me back the ring
when you get a chance.
[groggily] Oh, Graham, no...
[groaning] Oh, Graham...
I let the Pitchapalooza
shit show go,
because I figured you were going full lez,
but this is where you start hurting me.
And that's when these Loubs
go straight up your ass.
[shouting] What happened today?
I know. I... was off.
-Just... Graham left and--
-You know what? Fuck Graham!
I can get you a million Grahams!
A gram of coke.
I want a gram of meth.
I can get you your own dead grandma.
I will dig her sorry bitch-ass up.
Um... I need to tell you something.
I have mental problems.
No shit, Sherlock!
96% of SAG is mentally ill.
I represented
most of the cast of Mamma Mia.
There's a reason
that there's a shovel and bleach
in the trunk of my car.
They're gonna give you another chance
at the fucking Checklist commercial.
And I need to see
more energy coming from you.
I'm not telling you
to go off your medication.
All I'm saying is,
you need to get yourself in...
performance shape.
Yeah, well, I have a lot more energy
when I'm off medication.
But I'm also highly unstable.
All of the greats are unstable.
You're having a moment, Maria, okay?
Are you gonna throw that away
for something as trivial as your health?
No, I'm not.
It's just I'm... so sad about Graham.
Fuck Graham
right in the motherfucking face.
You will be sleeping with an Oscar winner,
to be named later,
by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow
who will fuck the name "Graham"
out of your memory bank.
Sing with me...
-[laughing]
-♪ Cradle the balls ♪
♪ And work the shaft ♪
-♪ I cradle the balls and work the shaft ♪
-[Maria mumbling]
♪ I cradle the balls and work the... ♪
Jesus fucking Christ, Maria.
You used to love that song.
I do. I do. I love it.
-Go home. Get off these fucking drugs!
-Okay. Yeah.
-Where the fuck are you?
-You're right.
-You're right, Karen Grisham.
-Wake up.
Thank you so much.
Good morning, Blossom.
I love you so much.
Good morning, Bert.
I love you so much.
You guys, Karen Grisham was right.
I do feel better
now that I'm off my meds.
I feel super-charged!
[laughing]
I'm not even thinking about Graham.
I'm pushing down my feelings.
Thanks to you guys.
♪ I don't need drugs ♪
♪ 'Cause I got pug-hugs ♪
[growling]
Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Hup-hup!
Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Blossom!
It's almost your birthday, Blossom.
Eighteen.
You're almost barely legal.
Don't look in the fridge,
because there's a secret in there.
And don't forget that we have
our ladies' spa day.
You and me in the sink, together.
Okay?
Happy birthday, Blossom.
[kissing]
I'll see you later. Bye-bye.
Bye, I love you.
See you soon, guys!
[exclaiming]
Don't you love shopping
for dog supplies at Checklist?
[barks]
Me, too.
-Squeakers.
-[squeaks]
Dog blankets.
Rawhide! Rawhide!
[straining] Rawhide!
Dogs! Puppy mills are a-okay.
Get it in your head.
You want a purebred.
From Checklist!
♪ Don't be a mook and buy a pug
From the friendly hug next door ♪
♪ Take 'em on a walk
Through the park or zoo ♪
♪ And then you'll have a friend with you ♪
♪ Your huggable, luggable
Stick 'em in a juggable ♪
♪ Patches Buggle-dy Boo! ♪
Checklist! Your cradle-to-grave store.
We now have dogs! Woof!
Cut!
-Wow!
-Whoo!
Maria, punch me in my dick.
-[grunting]
-No, no. Whoa!
[chuckling] I owe you a huge apology.
-[exclaims]
-Listen, I have said some things about you
in the past few days...
-Oh, okay.
-...on the sets of other productions,
in the trades, Twitter, Instagram,
-LinkedIn...
-[mumbling]
And now, this. Redemption!
-[squealing]
-All I can say is
-from the bottom of my heart...
-Yeah?
-Namaste.
-Okay.
You are here to stay.
-[chuckling]
-[shrieking]
Everyone,
you guys have been so sweet to me.
I just wanna, in return, be sweet to you.
It might be Tuesday,
but you're all getting sundaes!
Are you kidding me?
There's an ice cream truck outside
right now!
-[all cheering]
-[Maria] Whoo!
[screaming]
Banana split!
Where are my babies? Happy birthday
to my favorite 18-year-old pug!
Bertie, you want ice cream?
I got some ice cream.
Bert, why are you crying?
[gasping] Blossom! No...
The Pamulox.
Blossom, wake up! Wake up!
-Wake up!
-[Bert] She's gone, Maria.
She only ate one half of one pill.
But her 18-year-old heart
couldn't take it.
I, myself, consumed 21 pills.
But worry not, I have the constitution
of a Friends-Season-7-era Matthew Perry.
Would you like to know
Blossom's final words?
Yes.
She said,
"Tell Maria I peeked in the fridge,
and it was the best dog cake I ever--"
[Bert groaning loudly]
She died right then.
[wailing]
[sobbing] I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[Maria] Relationships are hard.
As soon as you enter one,
you open yourself up to loss.
But I had a lot to be thankful for
this Thanksgiving.
I had a new boyfriend
and he was meeting all my friends.
-[Larissa laughing]
-And it was horrible.
Well, Maria, I thought you were great
on Ginny Kimmle's show.
And they say women can't be funny.
[chuckling]
It wasn't funny, really.
Okay, don't be a self-hating woman.
-No. I think I'm funny.
-You're very funny.
Hey! Hey. You like laughing?
-[laughing]
-Uh...
Okay. Come on. Come on.
You know, Maria, listen,
I can't believe you didn't shitcan Bruce.
You know, he fucked you.
He fucked you so fucking hard.
He fucked you right in your face.
He fucked you
right in your fucking eye socket.
-Man, he fucked you.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'm just trying to have
a little compassion.
I've been doing some research
on those goddamn child armies.
You know what they do?
They take the kids out of school,
they kidnap 'em,
they get 'em all hooked up on smack,
right?
They give 'em a gun and then, boom!
It's off to the fucking races. That's it.
Well, I have to say,
it looks like they're having a ball.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-I mean, they don't have ballet
-[stutters] or soccer over there.
-Mmm-hmm.
It's better than them playing
video games two hours a day.
Is it?
Hey, look at this. Reverse smoker.
[chuckling]
-Oh, Scott! Come on, no.
-[chuckling]
-Reverse vaping. [inhaling]
-[chuckling weakly]
[exhaling]
[Maria] Scott...
"I can, you know...
I can do this anywhere.
In the movie theater.
Can't smell a thing."
-[laughing]
-Scott, Scott. Stop, stop, stop.
I just want you to know that I
do not in any way support child militias.
And I am not supporting this child army.
-Well, I heard you gave them money.
-I heard you got money from them.
Both of you are wrong!
Well, that's philosophically impossible.
One of us has to be right.
That is not true at all.
Okay, listen, Maria, we love you.
We just want you to know that
that will stand, okay?
Even if your political beliefs
differ from ours.
I think it's kinda cool, you know,
that you support those kids over there,
because, like, nobody else gives
a shit about 'em. That's for sure.
[screaming] I do not support those kids!
And I don't like being poked!
[softly] Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna go...
pick up some of the plates.
Just take 'em out...
[Scott] Yeah, I'll help.
♪ Scraping plates with my lady ♪
♪ Brush off potatoes and some gravy ♪
♪ I'm wearing cargo pants
from Old Navy ♪
Hey!
How's this?
Is this clean enough?
-[sighing]
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-[Maria] Okay.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-[mumbling]
Maria.
[Maria] When life gets overwhelming,
it's the ones closest to you
that suffer the most.
[Scott] Maria.
-What did I do wrong?
-Okay, no...
-Did I piss you off or something?
-[sighing]
-No.
-Are you gonna break up with me?
[sighing] Okay. Well, I...
Yes, Scott, it's... it's over.
Why?
Scott, I have very good reasons.
Well, can you tell me what that is?
Well, if I tell you, then...
then we'll fight,
and if we fight, then...
it's over and...
I'm just saving us the trouble.
So... it's over.
We had a good run... kid.
[choir singing]
♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪
♪ More than half of the time ♪
[upbeat music playing]