Lady Dynamite (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[upbeat music playing]

[Maria] Single, stylish, now.

A lady's got to be ready
for when it happens.

And right now, it's happening.

It's my life.

And I'll do whatever it takes
to get that sassafras feeling.

Sassafras.

[Maria] Thank you.

I'm a silly goose-snake.

Ooh! [laughing]

I feel French.



Ooh, flowers for me?
No, thanks.

[bicycle chain clicking]

Sometimes you just have to take a ride
when life wants you to.

-Bye!
-[bike bell ringing]

Who knows what romance it will bring?

It's not what's in your head,
it's what's on it.

[slurping]

[tire screeches]

Hair that's so shiny and full...

Can you blame them for looking?

No time to pay. [giggling]

I love being a woman.

Can a man do this?

[giggling]



First lady on the moon?

Thanks to Latrisse DuVois
Hair Care Products,

by Gary.

I just had my tubes tied.

At my age, it's not safe to have children.

[tires squealing]

Get out of the way, you gypsies!

[bell chiming]

Because when you feel this good...

Ain't no man gonna tell me
I ain't a woman.

[woman] Uh, Maria.

Hey, Maria. What are you doing?

Uh, hair commercial?

[woman] No. This is not a hair ad.

It's the show.

It's your show.

-Let's get you to the van, okay?
-My show?

I have a show?

I'm a 45-year-old woman,
who's clearly sun-damaged.

My skin's getting softer,
yet my bones are jutting out,

so I'm half soft, half sharp.

And I have a show!

What a great late-in-life opportunity!
[chuckling]

[woman] Maria!

Wrong van!

Oh.
[door slamming]

Stranger danger.

I have my own sho--

[theme music playing]

[Maria] Pow!

Kick it!

[Maria laughing]

[Maria trills]

[Maria screaming]

Have you ever been to Detroit?

[on phone]
It's Maria Bamford

to see Bruce Ben-Bacharach.

He's my manager.

-Bruce?
-[Bruce] Ah!

-How are you?
-Good!

I'm thrilled to see you.
You look lovely.

Please come into my office.

-Hey!
-The prodigal son returns.

Six long months and now you're back.

How do you feel?
Refreshed? Revitalized? Renewed?

Yes, I do... I feel...

I feel very good, a little tired
because of the heavy meds.

But, I'm also back on carbs.

I'm eating pancakes almost all day.

The entire entertainment industry
has been eagerly awaiting

-your glorious return.
-[sighs]

I've made some big changes, too.

Big Hollywood power desk.

-Solid glass. That's not all.
-Oh.

Kerplunk.

Sexy Hollywood power boots.

Move over, Carrie Bradshaw.
From Sex and the City.

I'd like to get you booked on that.

-Is it still on?
-[clunking]

[Bruce] God damn it.
Sexy power boots!

Now that you're back,
tell me exactly what you want to do.

-Right.
-TV show, movie, world comedy tour...

I'm gonna take a real shot at it.

-Yeah.
-Chantrelle!

Get me the hidden big opportunities list,
would you?

Okay, I would like to do less, not more.

That's the thing.
Could it be less ambitious?

Or maybe not ambitious anymore.

Less ambitious?

No work for Maria.

I mean, I want to work a little,
but just smaller things.

Less pressure. I mean...

Stand-up at a book store,

alone in my living room
or in a vintage eyeglass shop, or--

Sweetheart, are you pulling back
because of me?

I can reel in that big fish.
I can land the monster shark.

Believe me, you've seen the desk.

No. This is not about you at all.

I'm trying to get some balance in my life.

I know I've done some things I regret

and I made some enemies, I'm sure,

-from some of my behavior and I'd--
-[Chantrelle] Mark "Sugar Ray" McGrath?

[Maria] Okay. What?

-The singer?
-Don't listen to her.

-[thudding]
-[inhaling sharply]

[glass crackling]

-I bet they can buff that out.
-I'm sure.

You know what it is?

I just really wanna reconnect
with my community.

I don't even know who my neighbors are.

Forgive my distraction. This is
a $37,000 handblown Murano glass desk.

Oh, my God.

So understandably I'm irked with myself.

Yes, neighbors.
A serendipitous meeting on a park bench.

"How do you do, sir?"

"I'm fine, thank you."
"Is that your dog, sir?"

That's it.

Human interaction. Indeed.
I'm gonna make some calls.

I love it. I love it.

A neighborhood park bench.

That's exactly
what was on my vision board.

When I was in the psych ward,

I kept cutting out benches
for my vision board.

-I didn't know why. And now I know:
-[inaudible]

It was to manifest community!

Bruce, you did it!

I'm not sure what you're talking about,

but you're happy with me.
That's what matters.

-Yes.
-Solutions everywhere.

By the way,
I'm gonna call these people.

I'm gonna say they delivered
the desk that way

and how dare you, sir!

Really, why should I pay
for the buffing? [chuckling]

[glass shattering]

Well... That's it.

I put my foot through my nest egg.

[Maria] Oh!
[dial tone]

[Maria] The bench arrived.

I invited my best friend, Dagmar,
and her worst friend,

Larissa, also my best friend.

-Hey, dipshit.
-Hey!

-What's with the bench?
-Hey. Well, it is to connect

and create community.

How fun.

Isn't this great?
It's all coming together.

Why? Because you have a bench?

It's not just my bench,
it's your bench, Dagmar.

It's your bench, Larissa.

-Thank you.
-It's your bench, sir!

Come have a seat.

[grunts]

That's it.
I'm gonna rip you in half.

That guy needs a bench for sure.

[Dagmar] Why don't you come back?
You kidding me?

Know what?
I'm gonna make a note of this guy

in my notebook.

Oh, I get it. This bench is a way
for you to access romance.

-No.
-[Larissa] Yes.

-It's like a fuck bench? I love that.
-No, no!

That's the way to build community.
Sit here all night, suck Ds,

knock out your teeth,
have a good time.

[Larissa] Maybe it's time
to get back out there? S some Ds.

It's about learning people's names.

The more names you learn,
the happier you are.

-[Larissa] I didn't know that.

You're a bad friend.

I am a wonderful friend.

-Oh, really?
-Mhmm.

You didn't visit Maria
in her time of need.

We've already talked about this.

I didn't need to be visited. Besides,

-I'm sure you were busy, Larissa.
-I wasn't.

-Okay.
-I wasn't busy at all.

I didn't come because I'm an empath.

When people are experiencing
negative emotion,

it sticks to me hardcore.

-Yeah.
-[Larissa] So, I guess...

It's like I cared too much to show up.

[Dagmar] You're a bad friend.

Look at this! The bench has got us
communicating as a group.

Let's go meet the neighbors!

Okay.

Oh, God. I'm terrified.

[knocking]

Hi.

I'm Maria...
and your name is, please, sir?

-Oscar.
-Hi, Oscar.

I am your neighbor
and these are my friends...

I wanted to let you know
I put in a bench

that I wanted you to come over and enjoy.

Go fuck yourself.

Okay--

Hi! I'm Maria. I'm from...

I live across the street and...

Just... gonna put in a bench.

I think it's helpful for--

Okay, all right. That's good.

And I just wanna invite you
and your family or-- Okay.

[Dagmar] We are loving, open people!
Don't shut the fucking door in my face!

[Maria] No? Okay.

She hates you.

[Dagmar] I'll kick her ass!

Why don't you put that in a fun binder?

I'm not very organized
and don't have the resources--

Maria, I just had a Larissa thought.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Let me be your assistant.

That would make me feel really useful.

The only way to be sure

that I'll be there for you
is if you pay me.

-Okay.
-I'm gonna need $35 an hour.

The music in the house
has to be my choice.

I need Wednesdays off.

It's religious.
You're not allowed to ask.

Six weeks off in summer,
like the Italians.

You know what?

I do need help.
And it's okay to admit that.

I accept with love and gratitude.
You're hired.

Great!

I have an appointment.
I'll be 4 hours late.

Okay, it's all coming together.

Yeah, even my... bench
which is now covered in garbage.

-Okay. All right.
-Oh, no.

It's become a bit of a wildlife preserve.

-[siren wails]
-Evening, ladies.

-Hi, Officer.
-You can't just...

dump your furniture and garbage out here.

Oh, no, it's not garbage.

It's a neighborhood bench.
It's for the community.

Do you have a permit
for the community bench?

-Oh, no. Is that required?
-It is.

If you don't have one,
you're gonna have to go down

to City Hall and get one.

-Or I can write you a 4950.
-[Maria groans]

I don't wanna write you a 4950.

I can't do it right now.
I have to get ready for a stand-up gig.

-Oh, invite him.
-[Maria] Maybe...

What a helmet.
That's a good shaped head,

if you know what I mean.

Would you wanna come to a comedy show?

They're so wonderful.

[stammering] Oh, God.

Maria, I'm sorry. Come here.

You're gonna put stand-up in your show?

-[man] Cut!
-Yeah. Is that bad?

It's... Yeah, it's bad.

It's just been done so many times.

You know, you got Louie,
Seinfeld, Chappelle,

Amy Schumer, my two pilots...

-They didn't go.
-I'm so sorry.

We haven't officially met.
Are you the comedy police?

I'm a friend giving friendly advice.

You're an actor.
Just say your lines, monkey.

Give your audience some credit.

They can deal with
form-busting narrative innovations.

-We've all seen Breaking Bad.

All right, well, I haven't.

You gotta see it.
Anna Gunn is amazing in it.

But look, people can deal
with the time jump.

All right? Just don't make it jarring.

If we do, we definitely wouldn't do it

in a way that was jarring.

Here you go.

And don't thank me.
I'm a stranger.

[upbeat music]

-[Maria] Hi.
-Karen Grisham.

-Come here, I'm a hugger.
-Oh, thank you.

Wow.

Congrats, Maria.

-You made the Grish-list.

Maria, I am the most powerful
talent agent in this city or galaxy.

You know why?
Every time I walk into a room,

I know exactly how
I would kill each person.

[waiter] Arnold Palmer?

Elbow to forehead,
golf pencil through heart.

-He meant the drink.
-Oh.

A fucking beverage.
Fuck off, I'm in a meeting.

Look, open-kimono time.

I asked you here 'cause I'm a fan.

-This is a fan lunch, okay?
-Wow.

The world loves you.
I love you.

You are a hilarious...

-Comedian.
-[both laughing]

So, you wanna represent me or...

Are you kidding me?
I would murder that waiter,

snapping his gay neck,
jamming that oyster fork

in both eyes to represent you.

But Karen Grisham's booked.
Sorry. Got a full boat.

-Ah.
-I got so many goddamn clients.

-Yeah.
-And honestly,

I just wanna be your friend, okay?

When paparazzi chase you at
the Trevi Fountain

to get a shot of your rancid snapper,
I got your back.

-That's so nice.
-I swear to God,

I will airlift in one of those
Italian fucking scooter things.

What are they fucking called?
Ves... Uh...

-Ves... uh...
-Vespa.

[both laughing]

Okay, that's good.

-[laughing]
-Oh, come on.

You on a Vespa?

That is my new favorite image.

I swear, that is good.

[both laughing]

-See? We're friends, right?
-Yeah, I know.

You're riding tall on the Vespa.
I'm in...

What the fuck's cunt is it called?

The side thing, the, um...

Attached to the motorcycle.
What the fuck! Oh, God.

-Sidecar.
-[screaming and laughing]

-Sidecar. You are a riot.
-Yeah.

That's our inside joke.

-It's ours. Okay?
-Okay.

-Vespa sidecar's you and me.
-[laughing] Okay.

I adore you.

God, I wish I could rep you.

I... [laughing]
Okay, wait. Now, stop.

We're getting carried away.

I just wanna be your best friend. I do.

Let me be your spirit guide
to the showbiz community.

-I can do that for you.
-[bleating]

Exactly, you have a manager.

I would never wanna
poach you from...

Who are you with?

Bruce Ben-Bacharach. My manager.

Do me a favor.
Don't tell Bruce about this meeting.

-Oh, my gosh.
-He'll get threatened.

I don't have time to walk him
off the ledge.

I adore you. This has been a joy.

-[laughing]
-This is unbelievable. I swear to God...

-I haven't even had coffee.
-Want anything to order?

I have another lunch.

-[snapping fingers] John Cryer.
-Hi.

-Karen Grisham.
-Okay.

-Come here.
-[Maria] So great.

-[Karen] Give me some sugar.
-Okay. Oh, sorry.

-Okay.
-[John] Thank you.

It'll be a private lunch.

-Okay, sorry.
-Wanna take the chair?

It'll be private.
No one else will barge in.

-Okay.
-All right, you be well.

[Karen] Comedian. Very funny.

I think. Never seen her work.

-Congrats. You made the Grish-list.
-Oh.

[engine revving]

I'm happy with my representation.

I'm sorry.

Read the note!

Right.

What--

It's our joke!

It's our private joke.

[both laughing]

-It's a Vespa.
-Right.

-It's for you.
-[both laughing]

-Okay, bye.
-Get on the fucking bike!

-You're gonna ride it!
-[Maria] Okay.

I have a car!

I'll just leave it here.

[door bell ringing]

Bruce. Hi.

Karen Grisham had lunch with you

You're friends with an inside joke.

Could we have a discussion about that?

Yeah. Of course.

So, what else did she say?
And don't leave out a single thing, okay?

Well, uh, she says we're BFFs.

[Bruce squealing]

[both chuckling]

[continues squealing]

I think she wants to represent you.

Oh, no, she doesn't.

She's very clear on that.
She just wants to be best friends.

That sounds pretty good to me,

You're my manager. That's all I need.

Are you crazy?

She's our only chance
at making real money.

She doesn't wanna sign me.
I can't make her.

That's right. You can't.

That's why I'm on the team.

To beg somebody else to be on the team.

Listen, you're a 36-year-old
sun-damaged actress

with 8 cartoons on your resumé.

That's a good point.

Karen Grisham is a shark.

Let me be the chum to drive her
to a frenzy of interest.

Bruce, doesn't chum get devoured?

[chuckling] Not smart chum.

Speaking of which, come this way.

I had a self-touching problem as a kid.

My father insisted I have hobbies
where I work with my hands.

-[Maria] Oh.
-Ta-da!

Oh, Bruce, what did you do?

I chummed it up!
So, what do you think?

[stutters] I was gonna return it.
Now it's all messed up.

You've got solder all over it.

That's not solder,

those are bits of flesh
from my hand.

-[sighing]
-Look...

I did this to say,

"This can work."
"This is harmony."

Karen sits here, that's great.
That's Karen.

Maximum respect.

I am over here, at the end.

Like Pluto, the most important planet.

Not because it's in the center,
because it contains from the perimeter.

I don't think that's how Karen saw it.

Why don't we motor on over there
and we can show her?

-She can see.
-[whispering] Okay.

-Adopt the seat of command.
-Okay.

You're the client, Karen's the agent,
I'm the manager. No one's left out!

-[man] Hey!
-Hi!

[man] Fucking idiots.

Gotta admit it, you got me
kind of excited to join Karen's flock.

You and me, both.

Take a hard left before
Beverly Hills Whale Oil!

-[thud]
-[screeching]

[Bruce exclaims]

-Are you okay? Okay.
-Great!

[screeching]

[Maria] Great deal on whale oil!

[glass shattering]
[explosions]

[a splash]

[upbeat music]

[man on recording]
Life is all about connections.

We're all in this world
together, connected.

Walking each other home.

[blows whistle] Hey!

You're in the middle of our game!

[Maria] I should respect that. Sorry.

Hey! Oh, my God!

Mark!

Mark McGrath!

It's me, Maria!

Oh, my God! Maria Bamford!

So great to see you again.

Parentheses, sarcasm.

Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath,
Sorry about what I did to you.

What did I do to you?

Did we, you know...

Did I disappoint you sexually?

You, me?

-Yeah. [chuckling]
-You kidding me?

I'm Mark McGrath!

I can bone this entire team
with my hands tied behind my back!

Oh.

That's how it would have to happen.
I'm straight.

-Super straight!
-Okay.

But your hair isn't that disgusting.

-I guess.
-Aw.

Thanks, Latrisse DuVois by Gary.

[man] Latrisse DuVois!

You know what? You're right.
It doesn't matter what I did.

Well, I'm not saying that.

What matters is I hurt you
and I'm gonna make it up to you.

I'm gonna make things right.

♪ I apologize ♪

Come on, that's not even the right melody.

We couldn't afford the melody, Mark,
and you know it.

I'm gonna make things right.

Please, don't.

I heard "please."

And I know just the person to do it.

[Bruce] Mark, you old such and such.

[Mark over phone] Suck my dick, Bruce.

For a man widely known as Sugar Ray,

you are somewhat
under-endowed in sweetness.

I have here with me
the one and only Maria Bamford.

Hey, Mark.

-Oh, God.
-Great news, Mark.

Maria has agreed
to perform a stand-up benefit

for your Open Arms charity.

-Really?
-Yes, super really!

I didn't even know you had a charity,

-but Bruce told me about it.
-Oh, big fan.

Yeah, so Open Arms. Wow!
I'm all about that.

Openness and engagement
and sometimes partying.

And I thought we could
combine your charity

with a block party to unveil my bench.

Yes, two pelicans with one Miata!

That sounds good.
A block party could be very cool.

Indeed! And by the way, Mark...

♪ I'm so glad you answered the phone ♪

You're paying for that usage.

[Maria] Time to start
earning that 35 bucks an hour.

[in sing-song] For your first assignment
as my assistant...

Could you make copies of this?

Make sure that Mark McGrath's
Open Arms charity logo is on it.

I don't have a car.
Maybe Dagmar can do it.

What?

Can you make copies of this
flyer for the block party?

-Open Arms?
-Yeah, it's Mark's charity.

Open-- Do you even know
what Open Arms is about?

Children and hugging, I hope.

No. Excuse me.

They're lobbying to change
open carry laws,

so people can go into Starbucks
with semi-automatic weapons.

-[Larissa gasps]
-Oh, no.

-[Dagmar] Yes!
-No. Oh.

Okay, I'm not carrying
a gun for you, okay?

That's where I draw the line.

-About Starbucks, I'd love a frappe.
-[Maria] Bruce didn't say...

anything about guns.

-[sighing] Bruce.
-Maybe I can make this work.

This event is for
people speaking their minds,

which I support,
even if I hate what they say.

-And being open is good, right?
-[Larissa] Mmm.

Oh, God, yes!

Your bicycle buddy's back.

Thank you, Regina.

Cop is there. Oh, jeez.

-Larissa, assistance, please!
-[sighing]

Larissa!

-How's the new job going?
-Terrible.

Okay.

-Good evening.
-Hello, Officer.

Okay, if you don't have
a permit for the bench...

I'm gonna issue a bench warrant.

Are you kidding me?

You'll have a red brick wall on stage.

This is what I was telling you.
She's doing stand-up.

Maria, you can't do stand-up.
We're really bummed out about it.

Are you a cop?

He's supposed to be...
This is the costume he puts together.

You gave me two hours' notice.

I auditioned to be the love interest.

I'm not gonna make out with anyone?

Just don't do stand-up.

I hear what you're saying.

I was gonna use it
to explain why I went to Duluth.

We show three different time periods.

Not just when my career blew up,

but also when I did.

I don't wanna lose the audience.

Make it look different.

Use color as a time signifier.
Mess with the saturation.

-[buzzer]
-Okay. Oh, get...

a permit for that bench.

-Yes.
-Is any of this usable?

Too gray.

Ew, too yellow.

[gasping] More blue?

[stammers] Less blue.
Split the difference.

That's perfect.

-You want blue? Here's a blue.
-Okay.

Let's hear it for Maria,
who is lapping everyone

with her fourth vision board.

Although, she does have
an advantage with her hypomania.

Excuse me, Janice.

I brought in the People mag, Oscar issue,

and someone cut out all the Oscars.

And now, I have no Oscars
for my vision board.

We should all not hog the Oscars, Dan.

Sorry my dreams
are inconvenient for you, Donna!

Hey, whoa, Dan, Donna,
there's enough Oscars for everyone.

There are not enough Oscars for everyone,

as we learn every year.

[Dan] Donna used the glitter.

-The dirty cunt.
-[Donna gasps]

Hey, we're all here to get along.

No, Maria, we are not.

We are all here to better ourselves,

and sometimes that means
expressing your negative emotions.

In a constructive way.

Is there anyone in group who just...
who really chaps your crapper?

-Anything.
-No! Everyone here is super nice.

Well, that's something
that we need to work on.

Because Donna is a straight-up "B."

And Dan makes me wanna take
every pill in my desk drawer!

Do you see how easy that was to say?

[man over radio] Duluth.
The shining jewel of the Gopher State.

The second largest city
on Lake Superior shores.

Home of the longest
freshwater sandbar in the world.

But you can't get a drink here,
it's made of sand. Duluth.

[sighing]

Oh! How was your day, sweetie?

I don't wanna go back.

They're angry and they...
they want me to get angry. And...

I'm not... [slurping]

I'm not angry.

How does that make you feel?

Fine.

Give it time.
You'll get angry.

Oh!

I gotta go see a man about a burrito.

Joel, you cannot go out now.
Maria just got home.

I thought we weren't gonna
treat her differently

because her frontal lobe
went on the fritz.

[woman] Special delivery!

[chuckling] One USDA Choice pug.

You're welcome, Maria,
for taking such good care of him

while you were in the loony bin.

-[dog whimpering]
-What's that, Bert?

Oh, you wanna stay with Mama Susan?

Oh, that's not very nice, Bert.

She's not a mental veg on rye.

Bert, I missed you so much.

-[Susan] Here you go.
-[Maria pants]

-[chuckling]
-Susan, you are so thoughtful.

I don't know what Maria did
to get a friend like you.

[chuckling]

[Susan] I'm used to it.

Ever since she tinkled on
the seat in kindergarten. [laughs]

-Remember, Maria?
-Yes.

-Remember?
-Yes.

-[Susan] Do you?
-[Maria] I do.

So, how was the lollipop factory,
Ms. Sylvia Plath Jr.?

How was Janice today?

Oh!

Is Janice still operating the group?

-Yeah.
-Oh, she's a bit of a mess herself.

She caught her sister with her husband...

in flagrante delicto.

They were having sex right smack dab
in the middle of the living room

in front of the Shih Tzus.

Or were they Havanese?

Well, either way, they were innocents.

They didn't deserve that.

I guess we all fall short
of the glory of God.

Great therapist, though.

Yeah, she's really funny.

[Susan] I hope
they can shrink Maria's brain.

Isn't that funny?

All the fame and fortune
of Hollywood can't save you...

if your brain done broke!

[clock ticking]

And how does that make you feel?

Hungry.

I'll get dinner then.

[chuckles nervously]

This is called truth badminton.

Each player has to express a frustration
whenever you hit the birdie.

All right, begin!

You're weak!

You have interesting bangs.

You're selfish!

You have wonderful teeth!

Say something angry!

That's a cute sweater!

No one likes you!

I do enjoy my time alone!

You don't belong anywhere!

At least my sister didn't give
my ex-husband a blowjob

in front of my two underage Maltese!

I'm so sorry. I'm so...

Oh, God.

They were Shih Tzus.

[breath trembling]

[chainsaw whirring]

[Bruce] And stop. It's perfect.

[Maria] I knew what it was like
to be ostracized by my community.

And I wasn't gonna let that happen again.

Bruce! What are you doing?

[Bruce] Producing!

You know, set dec,
construction, lighting...

Comedy festivals do not
appear out of thin air.

This isn't a comedy festival.
It's a block party.

[Bruce] Caution, my queen.
[Maria] Oh, jeez. Thank you.

Neighbors are turning against me
because of the bench.

[Bruce] Don't worry.
You ain't seen nothing.

Step into my office, okay?

Maria!

That belongs to Mr. Mark McGrath.

[Bruce] I sense agitation.

Look, Bruce, I can't do this.
Open Arms is open carry.

Did you know?

I did not read the fine print
until yesterday afternoon.

At that point, I was beyond chagrin,
so I hid from you.

-Mostly in here.
-I don't know what to do.

If I do do stand-up,
Patton will banish me

from alternative comedy.

But if don't do stand-up,

I let down my community and...

Mark McGrath.

Especially since we sold tickets.

-You charged these people?
-Look, it was a square deal, Maria.

With a wrist band,
they get an orange drink.

People are really going to hate me.

I get it, you're disappointed
in my performance.

-No.
-It's a familiar shade for old Bruce.

-It's fine.
-No, Bruce...

I sunk a tremendous amount
of my own money into this.

-That's all.
-Oh, God.

I'm with you, no matter what.

-Okay.
-Totally!

Because I am now,
and shall ever remain, your chum.

[camera shutter clicking]

[police radio chatter]

I'll give it more thought.

-That's all I'm asking.
-Okay.

[Maria] I felt I owed it to Mark

to go ahead with the party.

I didn't have to do stand-up,
I could tell stories from the heart.

As long as I pulled
the neighborhood together,

it would be a success.

I'd like to introduce you
to a friend of mine,

but instead here's Bruce Ben-Bacharach.

-[scattered applause]
-[man] Orange drink sucks!

[Bruce clearing throat]

What Mark failed to mention is that

VIP wrist bands are good
for only one orange drink.

Please make sure to put all
your business cards into the fish bowl

for the drawing of the dual-action shotgun

from Lil Slaughters.

Lil Slaughters, let's do something
about mental illness.

-Yeah!
-[gunshot]

Now everybody,
please enjoy the hilarious comedy

of the great Maria Bamford!

[all cheering]

Okay, um...

Thank you so much.
Let's not call it comedy,

let's call it neighbor talk.

Oh, Christ. You weren't kidding.

-She's gonna do stand-up.
-[Patton sighs]

[Patton] Look at that brick wall.
Louis is gonna shit.

Welcome to our first annual
neighborhood block party

and Open Arms, open carry,
guns-for-everyone benefit.

-[gunshot]
-Oh, God! Okay.

I just think we could clap instead--

-[gunshots]
-Oh, God! Okay.

-[cheering]
-There's no need--

-[gunshot]
-[Maria] Oh!

The point is, I am not doing comedy.

I am trying to bring people together
because you mean so much to me.

And, I really want to be a part
of this community,

-I love... I love you.
-[guns cocking]

Be funnier!

-You should try to be funnier.
-[whispering] Okay.

Okay. Uh...

-You guys thinking of shooting her?
-It's come up.

We're kicking it around.

A while back, I made a vision board.

To manifest my need for community,
I cut out a picture of a park bench

and I pasted that on there.

Fuck this fuck bench!

You're doing great! [laughing]

What time is it?
That's my eight hours.

Okay, that's Oscar. [chuckling]

He's one of the wonderful, angry...

angry, wonderful people
in our neighborhood.

What should I do, Patton?

-Hands off the mic.
-Okay.

[inhaling]
Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt!

He can do comedy!

[cheering]

-[crowd whooping]
-Because it's not his show!

[Mark] Thanks a lot.

-Hey, guys.
-[gunshot]

Well, I know a lot of you guys
are pissed off.

I've been pissed off all day, you know?

And here's the thing
about being pissed off

is if you're really pissed off,

the joke's probably on you.

[all laughing]

Oh, honey, wake up, wake up.

[sighs] Your purple van's almost here.

No, they're not coming.

They're never coming again.

Not after badminton.

[Patton] It doesn't matter
if you piss people off,

what matters is the people
who show up after that.

-[gasps]
-Those are the people to hang on to.

They're here.

I need my backpack!

[Patton] Real friends
are there for you.

And you're there for them.

With the exception of my friend Maria,

who I don't know how much longer
I'm gonna be there for.

-Guys, look...
-[Maria chuckles]

So it looks like love isn't gonna find me
anytime soon.

Or friendship and community.

But you know what?
I'm on a journey.

My show seems like
it's really finding its own voice.

Hey, apropos of nothing,

do you guys love or hate
the term "gun nuts"?

-[bullet ricocheting]
-Okay.

It's Patton's voice.
But he is very good.

...express how you feel,
whether it's good or bad.

And do not let people force you
to do what you don't wanna do!

[woman] Like this bench!

Yes, there you go! Thank you!
Don't get pissed off at each other.

Get pissed off at the bench.

-[all cheering]
-[woman] That's right!

[man] Take down this wooden abortion.

-Yeah!
-Come on!

Whoo!

[Maria] My bench!

It's bringing people together!

Vision board! [laughing]

Boom! Manifested.

♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪

[Maria] Yeah!

♪ More than half of the time ♪

[laughing] Good job.

[upbeat music playing]