L.A. Law (1986–1994): Season 2, Episode 19 - Leapin' Lizards - full transcript

Kelsey represents Julius Goldfarb, a former TV actor consumed by his crime fighting alter ego, the Salamander. Becker has a very happy birthday when he invites Judge Monica Ryan to spend it with him. But later, a deranged gunman holds Judge Ryan, Becker, and a whole courtroom hostage during a custody dispute with his ex-wife. Meanwhile, Victor stomps briefly before setting out on his case to meet with the twins involved in a civil claim. Markowitz tries to help Roxanne get through her monumental tax problem and forces her to declare bankruptcy. Brackman tries to confine in McKenzie about his home situation.

PREVIOUSLY ON L.A. LAW...

A JUDGE GETTING DIVORCED
ISN'T ALL THAT DIFFERENT

FROM ANYONE ELSE
GETTING DIVORCED.

THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR
OFFICE DOESN'T INSULATE YOU

FROM THE PAIN OF
A FAILED MARRIAGE.

YOU ARE GOING THROUGH
A VERY REAL EVENT.

YOU KNOW THAT
GUY JERRY I'M DATING?

WELL, HE'S GOT A
FRIEND, DAVID MEYER.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN
FOR THE FOUR OF US TO GO OUT.

WHAT'S HE LIKE?

HE'S SINGLE. HE'S LOADED.



HE HAS A PULSE.

ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH
THE CLIENT, MR. BECKER?

NO, YOUR HONOR.

BECAUSE I'M A JUDGE?

BECAUSE...

I WOULDN'T WANT TO
LOSE YOUR RESPECT

AND I HOPE YOUR
FRIENDSHIP BY BEING A JERK.

I'M PAYING THIS
DIRECT MARKETING FIRM

TO GIVE ME THOSE WHO HAVE
GONE FROM LESS POPULOUS AREAS

TO MORE POPULOUS
AREAS, BECAUSE MAYBE,

JUST MAYBE THAT MEANS

MORE SQUARE FOOTAGE
TO LESS SQUARE FOOTAGE.

TELL ME, WHAT
PRODUCT DO I SELL THEM?

I HAVE NO IDEA, DAVID.



PREFABRICATED
STORAGE FACILITIES.

BUT IF YOU THINK YOU
CAN HANDLE MORE,

IF YOU'RE NOT AFRAID
OF A REAL RELATIONSHIP,

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

HI.

SO IF WE GET STARTED,

I'M NOT SURE WHERE
IT'S GONNA LEAD.

ME NEITHER.

YOU DIDN'T TELL THEM THAT
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, DID YOU?

NO. OH, GOOD.

I HATE IT WHEN THEY
BRING THAT LITTLE CAKE

WITH THE CANDLE ON IT.

I THINK IT'S NICE.
BIRTHDAYS ARE FUN.

I'VE ALWAYS DREADED BIRTHDAYS.

THEY REMIND ME

I'M ANOTHER YEAR
OLDER AND STILL ALONE.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE NOW.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. BECKER.

HAPPY DOESN'T BEGIN
TO DESCRIBE THE WAY

YOU MAKE ME FEEL.

AND FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN MY LIFE,

I FEEL LIKE I REALLY HAVE
SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE.

THESE LAST FEW WEEKS TOGETHER,

I NEVER KNEW THAT
IT COULD BE LIKE THIS.

THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME,
THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL.

HOW DO I MAKE YOU FEEL?

NAKED.

LIKE EVERYBODY IN
THE ROOM CAN SEE ME.

WELL, TRY TO KEEP
YOUR CLOTHES ON

AT LEAST TILL WE GET HOME.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE
AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

I NEED A MINUTE TO GET READY.

IT SOUNDS EXCITING.

IT WILL BE, I PROMISE.

ONE MINUTE.

YOU READY?

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, COUNSELOR.

TURN ON THE LIGHT,

I WANT TO SEE YOU IN
YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT.

SURPRISE!

OH!

YOU GOT ME.

GOT YOU.

ARNIE,

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO
IS HERE FOR DIVORCE.

OH, ROX, I FINALLY GOT
TO YOUR TAX RETURN,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO SIT DOWN, OKAY.

IS IT OKAY?

WELL, WE'LL TALK.

WHY DON'T YOU CATCH ME
RIGHT AFTER THE STAFF MEETING?

HEY.

PEOPLE, BEFORE
WE GET TO STARTED,

I'D LIKE TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU

WHO PARTICIPATED IN MY
SURPRISE PARTY LAST NIGHT

FROM THE HEART OF
MY BOTTOM, THANK YOU.

IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
MEMORABLE BIRTHDAYS

I'VE EVER HAD AND I
WILL LONG REMEMBER IT.

WELL, WE WILL
REMEMBER IT LONG TOO.

AND I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS.

PRESSING FORWARD, MISS KELSEY.

WHAT IS JULIUS GOLDFARB
A.K.A., SALAMANDER

VERSUS HARRIS PRODUCTIONS INC.?

JULIUS IS AN ACTOR

WHO PLAYED THE COMIC
BOOK CHARACTER SALAMANDER

IN THE SHORT LIVED
1981 T.V. SERIES

OF THE SAME NAME.

ISN'T THIS THE GUY
WHO SLITHERS UP WALLS

AND LASHES AT VILLAINS
WITH HIS WHIP LIKE TONGUE?

THE VERY ONE.

ANYWAY MR. GOLDFARB HAS
BEEN EKING OUT A MODEST LIVING

AND MAKING PROMOTIONAL
APPEARANCES AT SCHOOLS,

SUPERMARKETS, SHOPPING
MALLS IN HIS SALAMANDER SUIT.

HARRIS PRODUCTIONS IS
ATTEMPTING TO ENJOIN HIM

FROM ANY FURTHER USE OF THE NAME

OR LIKENESS OF THE CHARACTER

BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO
DO A REMAKE OF THE T.V. SERIES

AND THEY WANT TO
CAST A DIFFERENT ACTOR.

DID I ASK

WHY WE ARE
REPRESENTING THIS REPTILE?

APPARENTLY HE'S RALPH
MICHIGAN'S NEPHEW.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

SAY NO MORE.

VICTOR, WELCOME BACK
FROM WORCESTER MASS.

THANKS.

WHERE DO WE STAND
WITH THE BYRON DEBEQUE

WILL CONTEST?

HEY, IT'S GETTING
KIND OF HAIRY, DOUG.

ONE OF THE TWINS HOLLY
NOW SAYS THAT SHE LEFT HOME

BECAUSE DEBEQUE'S
FATHERLY LOVE FOR THEM

HAD SUDDENLY TAKEN A TURN
TOWARDS THE INCESTUOUS.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO
DO WITH TINA BENICHI?

WELL, HOLLY SAYS

AND THE OTHER TWIN DOESN'T
DENY THAT THIS WAS ALL TINA'S IDEA.

THAT AS THE OLD
MAN'S DOMINATRIX,

SHE GOT HIM HOOKED ON COCAINE

AND SHE WAS PLANNING
TO VIDEO TAPE THEM ALL

AT A FAMILY ORGY.

WELL, FAMILY THAT PLAYS
TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

HONESTLY THIS IS
THE SICKEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

YEAH, IT'S NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.

SO WHAT'S NEXT, VICTOR?

WELL, I'M GONNA BE
HERE UNTIL WEDNESDAY

AND THEN I'M GONNA FLY
DOWN TO CABO SAN LUCAS

TO MEET WITH A
MAN BY THE NAME OF

CARLOS RAMON GARZA.

WHO OWNS THE FISHING
BOAT THAT THE TWIN SPENT

THREE WEEKS ON WITH
THE MYSTERY LOVER BOY

FROM THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION?

KEEP US POSTED.

I WILL, DOUG, I WILL.

OH, SPEAKING OF ORGIES,

I'M SORRY THAT I MISSED
YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, ARNIE.

I HEAR IT WAS LOTS OF FUN.

IT HAD ITS HIGH POINTS.

LASTLY, STUART,

MY PHONE KEEPS
RINGING OFF THE HOOK

FROM IRATE CLIENTS UPSET
ABOUT THEIR TAX RETURNS,

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WELL, IT'S A NIGHTMARE, DOUGLAS.

SEE THE REVISED 1040S

ARE EVEN MORE COMPLICATED
THIS YEAR THAN LAST

AND THE ALL NEW 8,000
SERIES IS JUST IMPOSSIBLE.

THEN THERE IS THE OMNIBUS
RECONCILIATION ACT OF 1987

WHICH IS DESIGNED TO
CLOSE ALL THE LOOPHOLES

OF THE TAX FORMAT 1986,

EXCEPT CONGRESS
HASN'T BOTHERED TO PASS

ALL THE KEY PARTS YET.

THE NET RESULT OF WHICH BEING,

IS I FILED THE RECORD
NUMBER OF EXTENSIONS

AND COUNTING FEES
ARE UP 25 TO 35%

AND MY CLIENTS DON'T KNOW

WHETHER TO POOP GREEN
OR JUMP OFF A BUILDING,

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

ANY MORE SMART QUESTIONS?

WELL,

ON THAT SOUR NOTE, I
THINK WE'RE ADJOURNED.

ABBY, DO YOU WANT ME TO GET...
- SURE.

A STOPPLE, NOW WHAT'S
THIS THING? A STOPPLE?

IT MEANS,

IT MAY BE TOO LATE FOR
THE PRODUCERS TO STOP YOU.

THEY KNEW SIX YEARS AGO

THAT YOU WERE GOING
TO SHOPPING MALLS

DRESSED AS A SALAMANDER,
THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

THEY DIDN'T AUTHORIZE IT EITHER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU RELIED ON
THEIR ACQUIESCENCE.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA WIN.

WELL, I CAN'T

THANK YOU ENOUGH, MISS KELSEY,

FOR TAKING OVER THE CASE
AT THE LAST SECOND LIKE THIS.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME SOME REAL HOPE.

HEY, I'M A LAWYER,
YOU'RE A REPTILE.

CONSIDER THIS A
PROFESSIONAL COURTESY.

YOU KNOW, LOTS OF PEOPLE
THINK I'M LOONEY TO DO THIS,

BUT BEING THE SALAMANDER,
IT GIVES ME PLEASURE.

AND IT SEEMS TO BRING PLEASURE
TO A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN.

I DON'T KNOW TOO MANY
JOBS THAT CAN DO THAT.

NEITHER DO I.

10 O'CLOCK TOMORROW
MORNING IN COURT,

WEAR A TIE.

I'LL BE THERE AND THANKS AGAIN.

MR. GOLDFARB?

YES.

I HAVE A BIG FAN OF YOURS
WHO'D LIKE TO MEET YOU.

CERTAINLY. AND YOU ARE?

BENNY STULWICZ.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, BENNY.

OH, I SEE YOU ON T.V.

I LIKE WHEN YOU
CLIMB THOSE WALLS.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
SHOW YOU HOW I DO THAT?

YEAH.

CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE

BECAUSE WE CAN'T LET
EVERYBODY ELSE SEE.

WILL THAT BE ALL RIGHT?

SURE.

OH, WE CAN GO TO THE FILE ROOM.

ONWARD HO.

I'M GOING TO THE FILE
ROOM WITH THE SALAMANDER.

YEP.

I FEEL LIKE I'M WAITING
FOR TEST RESULTS

BACK FROM THE DOCTOR.

YOU GOT A TAX
PROBLEM, A BIG ONE.

HOW BIG?

WELL, YOU OWE THE
I.R.S. 11,000 AND CHANGE.

WHAT?

AND AN ADDITIONAL
3,500 TO THE STATE.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S BASED ON AN
ANNUAL INCOME OF $91,000.

NINETY-ONE-THOUSAND?

YEAH, WELL THAT'S
INCLUSIVE OF YOUR PROFITS

FROM YOUR LITTLE
ADVENTURE IN INSIDER TRADING.

I GAVE IT BACK.

ROX, GIVING IT BACK WAS
THE CRIMINAL PENALTY.

THE I.R.S. STILL COUNTS
IT AS TAXABLE INCOME.

STUART, I'M BROKE.

I HAVE NO ASSETS.

OH, YEAH.

I OWE OVER $4,500
ON MY CREDIT CARDS.

CAN YOUR FAMILY HELP?

I CAN'T ASK THEM.

BESIDES THEY DON'T
HAVE IT TO GIVE.

THEN YOUR ONLY
OTHER REALISTIC OPTIONS

ARE WAGE EARNING PLAN.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

IT'S A FORM OF BANKRUPTCY.

BANKRUPTCY? YEP.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I AM NOT A FAILURE.

ROX, NOBODY SAID
YOU WERE A FAILURE.

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.

NO, NO, NO.

WHAT IT MEANS IS YOU AGREE
TO CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS,

YOU AGREE TO PAY
BACK YOUR CREDITORS

OVER A THREE YEAR PERIOD A
CERTAIN AMOUNT ON THE DOLLAR.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT.

I AM NOT FILING BANKRUPTCY,
STUART, THAT'S FINAL.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'LL GET THE MONEY.

HOW?

I'M NOT SURE YET.

GET IT QUICK.

THEY ARE NOT GONNA
WAIT A LONG TIME.

RENT 690, UTILITIES ARE 185.

YOUR FIXED EXPENSES ARE
ALMOST 900 A MONTH RIGHT THERE.

YOU'D BE LOOKING AT A
PAYMENT OF NEARLY 500 A MONTH

AND UNLESS YOU
PLAN ON NOT EATING

FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS,

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN
TAKE ON THAT OBLIGATION

ON YOUR SALARY.

WHAT IF I WENT
WITH A 10 YEAR TERM,

WOULDN'T THAT LOWER THE PAYMENT?

NO, WE CAN'T GIVE 10
YEARS ON UNSECURED LOANS,

GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I'VE BEEN COMING
HERE FOR 11 YEARS.

I FINANCED CARS HERE.

I'VE NEVER MISSED A PAYMENT.

I'VE NEVER BOUNCED A CHECK.

AND YOU'RE A VALUED
CUSTOMER, BELIEVE ME.

OH, LOOK,

IF THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO
COULD CO-SIGN THE NOTICE,

A MEANS OF GUARANTYING THE LOAN.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS,

I SHOULD BRING IN
SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TRUST ME.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WERE UP
TO ME, I'D GIVE YOU THE LOAN.

WHO THE HELL IS IT UP TO?

THE LITTLE MAN WHO
WRITES THE JINGLE SAYING

YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE
WHEN YOU NEED IT?

YOU KNOW THESE THINGS
WORK ON COLLATERAL

AND YOU HAVE...

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY SOMETHING.

YOU DIDN'T NEED COLLATERAL
TO COLLECT THE 18% INTEREST

ON MY CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS

FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS.

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

HOW ABOUT TELLING
ME YOU'LL HELP ME.

HOW ABOUT TELLING ME YOU'D GO
TO BAT FOR A LONG-TERM CUSTOMER

WITH SOME SHORT-TERM
MONEY PROBLEMS.

MY HANDS ARE TIED,

UNLESS YOU GET A CO-SIGNER
OR THE SITUATION CHANGES.

IF THE SITUATION CHANGES

I WON'T NEED THE MONEY, WILL I?

ARNOLD TELLS ME YOU
AND SHEILA HAVE REACHED

A FRIENDLY SEPARATION AGREEMENT.

I CAN'T TELL YOU THE
ENORMOUS UNBURDENING I FEEL.

WHICH IS NOT TO SAY
SOME SMALL PART OF ME

ISN'T MOURNING THE
LOSS OF THE MARRIAGE BUT,

ALL THAT TENSION AND ANIMOSITY
WAS CRIPPLING MY WORK,

MY RELATIONSHIPS.

I REALLY FEEL THIS
IS A NEW BEGINNING.

RIGHT.

THE FOUR OF US SPENT
THE WEEKEND AT...

RUSTY, ME, SHIELA, GORDON.

THEY HAD A SEMINAR
IN THE EXTENDED FAMILY

BREAKING THE BONDAGE
OF SEXUAL JEALOUSY.

IT SOUNDS GREAT.

HELP ME.

BENNY.

I'M STUCK.

THE SALAMANDER DIDN'T
SHOW ME HOW TO GET DOWN.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN UP THERE?

COUPLE OF HOURS.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER ANYBODY.

WELL, THAT'S SILLY, BENNY.

YOU CAN CALL US ANYTIME
YOU GET STUCK TO A WALL.

WELL, YOU CAN. COME ON.

LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN GET HIM DOWN.

AND THE EVIDENCE WILL
FURTHER SHOW THAT

ALL RIGHTS PERTAINING TO
THIS FICTITIOUS CHARACTER

RESIDE WITH MY CLIENT.

THE DEFENDANT HAS NO RIGHT
TO PERSONIFY THIS CREATURE.

AND HIS RUNNING
AROUND IN THAT COSTUME

IS RUINING THE PRODUCER'S
CHANCE OF SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHING

THE REMAKE OF THE T.V. SERIES,

WHICH SERIES IS ENTIRELY BASED

UPON THIS CRIME FIGHTING HERO.

THE HARM IS IMMINENT.

THE HARM IS IRREPARABLE.

THANK YOU.

JULIUS GOLDFARB HAS BEEN
MAKING PUBLIC APPEARANCES

AS THE SALAMANDER

EVER SINCE THE ORIGINAL
TELEVISION SHOW WAS CANCELLED.

IT HAS BEEN HIS
LIVELIHOOD, YOUR HONOR.

WE WILL SHOW THAT THE PLAINTIFF

NOT ONLY KNEW OF
THESE APPEARANCES,

BUT QUIETLY ENCOURAGED THEM

BECAUSE THE EXPOSURE GENERATED

BY THIS MAN HELPED PROMOTE
THEIR COMIC BOOK SALES.

NOW, SIX YEARS LATER THEY PLAN
TO DO A REMAKE OF THE T.V. SHOW

WITH A NEW YOUNGER
ACTOR AS THE SALAMANDER

AND THEY WANT TO SHUT
JULIUS GOLDFARB DOWN,

BUT THE PRINCIPLE
OF A STOPPLE SAYS

THEY CAN'T DO THIS, YOUR HONOR.

THEY KNEW OF THE APPEARANCES.

THEY SAT BACK ON...

HE BUILT AN ENTIRE CAREER
AROUND THIS CREATURE

AND IT'S TOO LATE FOR
THEM NOW TO SAY STOP.

YOUR HONOR,

THIS MAN HAS TRAVELED
THE COUNTRY 10 TIMES OVER

PERSONIFYING THAT CHARACTER,

AND THE VIRTUES HE BESTOWS.

THE EVIDENCE WILL SHOW

THAT JULIUS GOLDFARB
IS THE SALAMANDER.

THE EVIDENCE WILL SHOW
THAT JULIUS GOLDFARB

WILL FOREVER BE THE SALAMANDER.

NO COURT COULD EVER CHANGE THAT.

NO COURT SHOULD EVER TRY.

THANK YOU.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS HARMLESS.

A GUY RUNNING AROUND
IN LEOTARDS AND A TAIL,

WHO CAN IT HURT?

THE FACT IS HE IS HURTING US.

HOW SO?

WELL, MOST OF THE PUBLICITY

FOCUSES ON HIS
RECENT ECCENTRICITY,

HIS GRATUITOUS CLIMBING.

WE FEEL THAT IS COMPROMISING

THE INTEGRITY OF THE CHARACTER.

A CHARACTER WE'VE INVESTED
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN.

AND YOU REALLY
THINK HIS ACTIVITIES

CAN HURT YOUR UPCOMING
TELEVISION SERIES?

OH, DEFINITELY.

I MEAN, WE'RE HOPING
PEOPLE WILL TUNE IN

TO SEE OUR MODERN DAY SUPERHERO.

WHO'S GONNA WATCH
WHERE PEOPLE ARE THINKING,

OH, IT'S THAT WIMPY
LITTLE TADPOLE WE SAW

AT THE SUPERMARKET.

OBJECTION.

SUSTAINED.

I HAVE NOTHING FURTHER.

YOU HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG

WHEN HE WAS PERSONIFYING
THIS CREATURE, HAVEN'T YOU?

OH, WE'VE BEEN MILDLY
AWARE OF IT BUT...

MILDLY AWARE.

DIDN'T YOU STATE IN
AN INTEROFFICE MEMO

THAT MR. GOLDFARB'S
EFFORTS HELP SUSTAIN INTEREST

IN YOUR COMIC BOOK?

I DID SAY THAT, YES.

AND IS IT NOT TRUE THAT
ONE OF THE REASONS

YOU'VE CONSIDERED DOING
THE REMAKE OF THE T.V. SHOW

IS THE ONGOING SUCCESS
OF THE COMIC BOOK?

YES, BUT...

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR

FOR YOU TO BE HERE NOW
TRYING TO SQUASH THE GUY

THAT HELPED YOU SPIN
YOUR HAY INTO GOLD?

OBJECTION.

OVERRULED. YOU MAY ANSWER.

LOOK, THIS IS
EXCRUCIATING FOR ME.

I THINK THE WORLD
OF JULIUS BUT...

WELL, THIS IS BUSINESS.

HIS CRAZY ANTICS

HAVE MADE OUR CHARACTER A JOKE.

DIDN'T YOU SAY AT
YOUR DEPOSITION

THAT JULIUS GOLDFARB IS
THE GREATEST AMPHIBIAN

IN THE HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD?

AND I MEANT IT BUT...

AND AT YOUR
DEPOSITION, MR. BATES,

YOU ALSO SAID

THAT WHENEVER YOU
SEE JULIUS GOLDFARB

YOU SEE ONE THING.

TELL THE COURT WHAT
IS THAT ONE THING,

MR. BATES.

THE SALAMANDER.

I SEE THE SALAMANDER.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

YOUR HONOR, THIS
IS THE THIRD LAWYER

THAT MR. SIMONETTI
HAS DISMISSED.

THE CUSTODY OF
THESE THREE CHILDREN

IS AN ISSUE THAT
NEEDS TO BE RESOLVED.

SO LET'S RESOLVE
IT NOW, YOUR HONOR.

I'LL REPRESENT MYSELF PER SE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE
ENTITLED TO A CONTINUANCE

IN ORDER TO OBTAIN NEW COUNCIL.

I'LL WAVE IT,
DEFENDANT IS READY.

YOUR HONOR, YOU'VE HEARD
THE TESTIMONY OF WITNESSES,

YOU'VE HEARD FROM
THE PARTIES THEMSELVES.

I DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANY QUESTION

THAT THE MOST STABLED

AND NURTURING
ENVIRONMENT CAN BE PROVIDED

BY THESE CHILDREN'S MOTHER.

YOU KNOW MY KIDS, ASS LICK.

MR. SIMONETTI,

YOU MAY BE REPRESENTING
YOURSELF ON THESE PROCEEDINGS,

BUT YOU WILL CONDUCT YOURSELF
IN THE APPROPRIATE MANNER

AND THAT MEANS SHOWING
THIS COURT THE COURTESY

OF ADDRESSING YOUR
REMARKS TO THE BENCH.

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR,

I JUST DON'T SEE
WHAT'S SO STABLE

ABOUT MOVING MY CHILDREN
1,500 MILES FROM HOME.

MY CLIENT HAS HER
WHOLE FAMILY IN CHICAGO.

WHO MY CHILDREN DON'T EVEN KNOW.

- THANKS TO YOU.
- MRS. SIMONETTI?

I'M SORRY. YOUR HONOR,

I RESPECTFULLY REMIND
THE COURT THAT MY CLIENT

INSTITUTED THIS ACTION
ONLY AFTER MR. SIMONETTI

HAD MADE HER LIFE A
LIVING HELL FOR YEARS.

YOU KNOW BECAUSE
YOU WERE THERE, RIGHT?

MR. SIMONETTI?

YOUR HONOR...

I DIDN'T WANT THIS DIVORCE.
I MEAN, SHE DUMPED ME.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT
YOU, ISN'T IT, DOMINIC?

WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT WHEN
YOU WOULD STAY OUT

FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS
AT A TIME AND NOT CALL?

WHAT ABOUT THE DRINKING?

WHAT ABOUT THE CARD GAMES
THAT WERE STILL GOING ON

WHEN THE KIDS WERE
LEAVING FOR SCHOOL?

WHAT ABOUT I'M A COP?

YOU UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT MEANT?

YOU'RE MARRIED TO A COP.

NOT ANYMORE, I'M NOT.

THE FACT IS, YOUR HONOR,

THAT THESE TWO PEOPLE HAVE
CEASED BEING MARRIED IN ALL

BUT THE TECHNICAL SENSE
FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN, JUDGE?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE LAWYER TALK.

IT MEANS,

IN ADDITION TO ISOLATING
HIMSELF EMOTIONALLY

MR. SIMONETTI HAS BEEN
UNABLE TO PHYSICALLY HAVE

MARITAL RELATIONS WITH
HIS WIFE IN OVER A YEAR.

SHE TELL YOU THAT?

MR. SIMONETTI?

DID YOU TELL HIM THAT ABOUT ME?

YES, I TOLD HIM THAT. I
TOLD HIM EVERYTHING.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
PUT A BULLET IN ME?

YOU KNEW WHERE I KEPT THE GUNS.

WILL THE COURT PLEASE
INSTRUCT MR. SIMONETTI

TO DISPENSE WITH HISTRIONICS?

YOU KEEP TALKING,
YOU PUNK BASTARD.

I DON'T FORGET ANYTHING.

THAT'S ENOUGH. YOU'RE
NOT SCARING ME, PAL.

THIS ISN'T SOME
BACK ALLEY ROUST.

MR. SIMONETTI, YOU
EITHER CONTROL YOURSELF

OR I'M GONNA THROW
YOU OUT ON YOUR EAR.

MR. LUSTIG,

THE RECORD WILL REFLECT
THAT YOU ARE NOT AFRAID.

NOW CAN WE ALL MANAGE
TO CONDUCT OURSELVES

AS IF THIS IS A COURT OF
LAW AND NOT A STREET FIGHT?

THIS IS NO STREET FIGHT, JUDGE.

OUT ON THE STREET THEY
COME AT YOU WITH A KNIFE

OR THEY COME AT YOU WITH A GUN,

YOU WATCH YOUR BACK
AND YOU GOT A CHANCE,

IN HERE THEY TAKE YOUR SECRETS.

THE TIME IS IN THE
MIDDLE OF NIGHT

WHEN YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE BOY

BECAUSE YOU WERE SCARED OF DYING

WHEN YOU FELT
WORTHLESS IN A WEEK.

SEE THEY FEED IT
ALL TO THEIR LAWYERS

AND THEN THEY
ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WORLD

AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE STANDING
THERE NAKED AND ALONE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT TOOK
TO GET ME TO DO THAT, DOMINIC?

HOW MANY COP DINNERS THAT I
HAVE TO GO HOME ALONE FROM

BECAUSE YOU WOULD PICK A
FIGHT WITH EVERYONE THERE

AND ENDED UP LEAVING WITHOUT ME.

HOW MANY TIMES THAT I
HAVE TO WATCH YOU RIP APART

THE HOUSE LOOKING
FOR THE MICROPHONES

THAT YOU THOUGHT
INTERNAL AFFAIRS

HAD PLANTED THERE, HMM?

I MEAN, HOW LONG AM I
SUPPOSED TO GO ON BELIEVING

THAT MY HUSBAND
DOMINIC IS THE ONE

RIGHTEOUS DESERVING
MAN WRONGED BY THE CITY,

BY THE DEPARTMENT,

BY THE GAME PLAYERS
INTENT ON DENYING HIM

WHAT HE IS ENTITLED TO.

HOW LONG AM I SUPPOSED
TO BE CONSUMED BY THAT

THE WAY YOU ARE?

TILL DEATH DO US APART, BABY.

TILL DEATH DO US APART.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU
HANDLED THEM VERY WELL.

I NEVER KNOW HOW
FAR TO LET IT GO.

WELL, IT'S BETTER LET
THEM SCREAM AT EACH OTHER

IN THE COURTROOM THAN
DO GET OUT IN THE HALLWAY.

I TELL YOU THIS.

I JUST SPENT MY ENTIRE
CAREER ADJUDICATING DIVORCES,

I'D QUIT THE BENCH.

YOU GET USED TO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO GET USED TO
IT. I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM IT.

HONEY, YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA
SUGGEST THE FOLLOWING,

GIVE HIM YOUR RULING 10
O'CLOCK FRIDAY MORNING,

10.30 FRIDAY MORNING
WE HOP IN THE CAR,

ZOOM UP THE COAST TO BIG SUR

AND WE LOCK OURSELVES IN A
ROOM AT VENTANAS FOR THREE DAYS.

WHERE THE DOZEN OF
MY CLOSEST FRIENDS

HIDING IN THE BATHROOM.

YOU SPEAKING OF
WHICH I GOT TO KNOW,

DID KUZAK PUT YOU UP TO IT?

HE WAS SO PERSUASIVE.
HE'S VERY CHARMING.

HE SAID YOU DID SOME OF THAT

BACK AND FORTH
ALL THE TIME, PLUS,

HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS
PART OF YOUR INNER CIRCLE.

I WAS FLATTERED.

TELL ME THE TRUTH,

ARE YOU MAD AT ME FOR
EXPOSING TO NEW COLLEAGUES.

NO, HONEY, WHEN I'M WITH YOU,

I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.

YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL, MR. BECKER,
I MAY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU HAVEN'T YET?

LET'S JUST SAY,

I'VE TAKEN THE MOTION
UNDER ADVISEMENT.

ARNIE?

OH, ROX, WHERE
IS THE VERIFICATION

ON THE COPLINK COMPLAINT?

IT'S BY THE CREDENZA.

ARNIE, I NEED TO
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

I'M LISTENING.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ASKING YOU THIS

AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOU CAN'T,

BUT WOULD YOU BE
WILING TO CO-SIGN A NOTE

FOR ME ON A LOAN?

YOU'RE BUYING A CAR?

NO, I...

I OWE THE IRS
$14,000 ON THE MONEY

I MADE FROM JIMMY'S DOG TIPS.

OH, BOY.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE CREDIT UNION?

I TRIED.

ROX, IT'S REALLY NOT A
GREAT TIME FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M RIGHT ON THE EDGE AS IT IS

AND MY LEASE OPTIONS
AFTER THE END OF THE MONTH.

I'D MAKE ALL THE PAYMENTS.

THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM,

THE PROBLEM IS I'M NEGOTIATING
HUGE MORTGAGE WITH THE BANK,

AND ANOTHER ENCUMBRANCE
IS JUST GONNA BLOW ME

RIGHT OUT OF THE WATER.

DO YOU WANT ME TO
TALK TO BRACKMAN?

MAYBE THE FIRM CAN
LOAN YOU THE MONEY.

ARNIE, DOUGLAS BRACKMAN
WANTED TO FIRE ME.

HE'S NOT GOING
TO LOAN ME $14,000.

ROXANNE,

I'VE GIVEN YOU TWO RAISES
OVER THE LAST TEN MONTHS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR MONEY?

I'M TRYING TO PAY MY TAXES.

IT'S NOT JUST TAXES.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT LITANY
OF DEBTS HERE, ROXANNE,

OF BEING OVER EXTENDED.

THIS IS AN OLD SONG
THAT YOU'RE SINGING.

YOU'RE BARELY MAKING
IT ON A SIX FIGURE INCOME.

YOU TRY LIVING ON WHAT I MAKE.

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S A
FORTUNE, ROXANNE,

BUT YOU'RE A SINGLE
WOMAN WITH NO DEPENDANTS

MAKING MORE MONEY
THAN MOST FAMILIES MAKE.

DON'T TALK TO ME
LIKE A LITTLE GIRL,

WHO SPENT HER
ALLOWANCE ON CANDY.

ROXANNE, THAT IS
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID

AND YOU'RE BLAMING
EVERYBODY ELSE FOR IT

BUT YOURSELF.

YOU HAVE GOT A HELL
OF A NERVE LECTURING ME

THE WAY YOU THROW
YOUR MONEY AROUND.

I'M NOT LECTURING YOU.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,

I'LL SOLVE MY PROBLEMS
BY MYSELF, OKAY?

ROXANNE? FORGET IT, ARNIE.

BUSY?

I CAN COMEBACK.

NO, NO, NO, COME IN, COME IN.

I WANT TO ASK YOU
ABOUT BANKRUPTCY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, YOU GO BEFORE
A PUBLIC TRUSTEE

WITH A LIST OF YOUR
ASSETS AND YOUR CREDITORS

AND YOUR PROJECTED INCOME.

NOW BASICALLY,

YOU'RE SEEKING THE
PROTECTION OF THE COURT

IN EXCHANGE FOR WHICH
YOU AGREED TO ABIDE

BY A BUDGET AND
SCHEDULE OF REPAYMENT.

WILL THEY MAKE ME
SELL OFF MY JEWELRY,

THINGS MY MOTHER GAVE ME?

UNDER CHAPTER 13 THEY
CAN'T LAY A GLOVE ON IT.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS
KEEP UP YOUR PAYMENTS.

HOW LONG WILL IT LAST?

THREE YEARS.

THEN WHAT?

THEN YOU START
FRESH, CLEAN SLATE.

GREAT.

I'LL BE 41 YEARS OLD

AND I WON'T EVEN HAVE
15 CENTS TO MY NAME.

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TELL
YOU IT WON'T BE TOUGH,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE
GO THROUGH THIS.

A LOT OF VERY RESPONSIBLE,

VERY DECENT HARDWORKING PEOPLE.

I'M SO HUMILIATED.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

HEY, I SAID IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

MAN JUST GET IN THERE.

JUMP THE STAIRS.

RELEASE THAT WOMAN.

GET OUT MAN, BEFORE
I BREAK YOUR LEGS.

I SAID RELEASE HER NOW.

GET HIM, RICHIE.

OH, NO, IT'S THE SALAMANDER.

OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE HER.

COME ON, RICHIE.

OH, SALAMANDER, YOU SAVED ME.

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

WAIT RIGHT HERE,

I'LL HAVE TO GO CAPTURE THEM.

THROUGH HONESTY AND JUSTICE,

VIRTUE SHALL GROW.

SALAMANDER,
SALAMANDER, ONWARD HO!

NOW, MR. GOLDFARB,

THIS IS THE CHARACTER THAT
YOU'VE CONTINUED TO PLAY

FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, CORRECT?

I APPEAR ABOUT HALF
A DOZEN TIMES A MONTH

IN SHOPPING MALLS, ARCADES,
OCCASIONAL BOWLING ALLEYS.

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER
ANY OTHER ACTING ROLES?

OH, SURE, BUT THE OFFERS
DIDN'T EXACTLY FLOOD IN.

I'M AFRAID I WAS A BIT TYPECAST.

THE PRODUCERS DIDN'T TAKE
ME TOO SERIOUSLY AS AN ACTOR.

WOULD YOU TAKE ANOTHER
ACTING PART IF IT CAME ALONG?

I'M A LITTLE EMBARRASSED
TO ADMIT IT BUT,

I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING
ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW.

JULIUS, I WANT YOU TO TRY
TO EXPLAIN TO THE JUDGE

WHY THIS ROLE IS SO
IMPORTANT TO YOU.

WELL, IT'S THE KIDS MOSTLY.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE
ANY FAMILY OR ANYTHING,

BUT WHEREVER I GO
I HAVE THOSE KIDS.

BY KIDS, YOU MEAN
CHILDREN IN GENERAL.

IT'S AN AMAZING THING TO BE
ABLE TO ENTERTAIN CHILDREN.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE
TO TELL THEM JOKES

OR GIVE THEM
PRESENTS OR ANYTHING.

I AM THE SALAMANDER.

AND YOU'D LIKE TO CONTINUE
AS THE SALAMANDER?

BELIEVE ME I...

I DON'T TRAVEL ALL OVER
THE COUNTRY IN TIGHTS

LIVING OUT OF A SUITCASE
FOR THE 15,000 THAT I PULL IN.

THE ABILITY,

THE POWER TO MAKE A CHILD SMILE,

TO MAKE HIM HAPPY IS
THE MOST ADDICTIVE THING

THAT I'VE EVER KNOWN.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF THE JUDGE ISSUES
THIS INJUNCTION?

GOD, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'D LIKE TO THINK THAT WE'RE
ALL HERE TO DO SOME GOOD.

I MEAN, YOU DO GOOD AS A LAWYER,

YOU AS A JUDGE,

I THINK THAT I DO GOOD
AS THE SALAMANDER.

FIFTEEN YEARS FROM NOW

YOU PROBABLY NOT EVEN
GONNA REMEMBER THIS CASE,

BUT THAT LITTLE BOY THAT I MET

IN THE MALL LAST WEEK,

THE LITTLE GIRL ON
THE PLAYGROUND,

TALK TO THEM 15 YEARS FROM NOW,

THEY WILL REMEMBER ME.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING...

I'LL PROBABLY REMEMBER THEM.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

WE'LL RECESS TILL
THIS AFTERNOON.

ROX, YOU'VE GOT A VISITOR.

WHO'S IT?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS?

HE JUST SAID HE'S
A FRIEND OF YOURS.

DAVID?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HI, ROX.

I HAD BUSINESS IN THE BUILDING.

I THOUGHT I WOULD CHECK IN
AND SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

IT'S REALLY NOT A
GREAT TIME RIGHT NOW.

ACTUALLY I WAS LITTLE WORRIED.

YOU NEVER RETURNED
ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS.

OUR LAST DATE WASN'T
THAT BAD, WAS IT?

IT WAS FINE.

SO HOW ABOUT DINNER SOMETIME?

THAT WOULD BE SWELL.

TONIGHT.

WELL, I CAN'T TONIGHT.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW

'CAUSE I GOT TO GO TO
BOSTON OVER THE WEEKEND

AND WHO KNOWS,

I COULD GO DOWN IN A PLANE CRASH

AND YOU WOULD NEVER
GET TO KNOW THE REAL ME.

I AM NOT ABOVE
BEGGING, YOU KNOW.

I JUST DON'T WANT
TO EMBARRASS YOU

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

OKAY.

WE'RE ON?

SURE.

SO THAT'S GREAT.

SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7.30.

MR. GOLDFARB,

YOU'VE TRIED TO DO A
LITTLE MORE GOOD THAN

JUST MAKING CHILDREN
SMILE, HAVEN'T YOU?

I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW.

LET ME HELP YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN PICKED UP
BY POLICE FOR QUESTIONING

IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT
CITIES, RIGHT?

I RESENT THAT IMPLICATION.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED.

UH-HUH.

THE REASON YOU'VE BEEN
STOPPED AND DETAINED IS

BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN
SEEING WEARING THAT COSTUME

IN AREAS KNOWN TO BE FREQUENTED

WITH CRIMINAL ACTIVITY, RIGHT.

THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST THAT.

TURNING YOUR ATTENTION
TO OCTOBER 12TH 1986,

YOU TRIED TO STOP A LIQUOR
STORE HOLDUP, DIDN'T YOU?

I SAW A CRIME IN PROGRESS
AND YES, I TRIED TO PREVENT IT.

YOU JUMPED INTO THE STORE

AND STARTED THRASHING THE
HOLDUP MAN WITH YOUR TAIL.

HE WAS A CRIMINAL.

AND YOU WERE A SALAMANDER?

OBJECTION.

IT WAS A CITIZEN'S ARREST.

OVERRULED.

MR. GOLDFARB,

DON'T YOU THINK RUNNING AROUND

IN A FUNNY LITTLE SUIT
TAKING ON REAL CRIMINALS

IS KIND OF SILLY?

ARE YOU CALLING LAW
ENFORCEMENT SILLY?

YES.

WHEN YOU TRY TO
TAKE ON A LOADED GUN

WITH A WHIP LIKE TONGUE.

YOUR HONOR.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS,
UNSCRUPULOUS.

I'M RIDICULING A
PATHETIC LITTLE MAN

WHO DASHES AROUND IN
A STUPID COSTUME SHAPE.

STUPID?

YOU PRANCE AROUND
IN TIGHTS SCREAMING IN...

HOW DARE YOU?

MR. GOLDFARB.

SIR.

THIS SUIT IS THE
SYMBOL OF JUSTICE

TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS, BUB.

YOU WEAR IT UNDER YOUR CLOTHES?

I ALWAYS WEAR IT.

MR. GOLDFARB.

I AM THE SALAMANDER!

JULIUS.

EVIL REARS ITS FACE
IN ALL WALKS, MY FOE,

EVEN IN THE GUISE OF
PLAINTIFF ATTORNEYS.

AM I EVIL?

COUNSELOR, PLEASE.

JULIUS.

YOU SEEK TO DEFAME ME?

YOU SEEK TO REEK HUMILIATION
ON THE CONQUERER OF INJUSTICE?

JULIUS.

MR. GOLDFARB,
THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH.

OH, NO, THE KILLER TAIL.

ALL RIGHT.

STAND BACK.

BAILIFF!

I SAID STAND BACK!

JULIUS, FOR GOD SAKE.

THERE HE GOES.

MR. GOLDFARB,

THIS COURT ORDERS
YOU TO COME DOWN.

I'M SCALING THE
WALLS OF JUSTICE.

THIS IS JUSTICE UPON JUSTICE.

COME DOWN NOW.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

MR. GOLDFARB. JULIUS.

MR. GOLDFARB, I'LL
HAVE YOU ARRESTED.

ARREST THE SALAMANDER?
YOU'RE NOT A JUDGE.

YOU'RE NOT WORTHY
OF THE ROBES YOU WEAR.

NO ONE CAN... THERE HE IS.

I'M... STAY CLEAR OF THE WALL.

OH!

GET HIM NOW.

WAIT.

OH, NOT TO WORRY,

THE SALAMANDER IS UNDAUNTED.

THE SALAMANDER IS UNDER ARREST.

PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL.

ONE AMPHIBIAN STANDING ALONE

IN THE FIGHT AGAINST CORRUPTION.

THROUGH HONESTY AND
JUSTICE VIRTUE SHALL GROW.

SALAMANDER,
SALAMANDER, ONWARD HO!

BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT REPRESENTS
THE MOST STABLE ALTERNATIVE,

I'M PLACING CUSTODY
OF THE CHILDREN

WITH THE PLAINTIFF MOTHER.

I UNDERSTAND THIS ENTAILS
RELOCATION TO CHICAGO

AND WHILE I'M RELUCTANT
TO SEE THAT MUCH DISTANCE

PLACE BETWEEN A
FATHER AND HIS CHILDREN,

THERE'S NO QUESTION TO MY MIND

THAT THIS IS THE LEAST
DISRUPTIVE COURSE TO FOLLOW.

NEEDLESS TO SAY EVERY
EFFORT IS TO BE MADE

TO PERMIT MR. SIMONETTI
TO HAVE A PRESENCE

IN HIS CHILDREN'S LIVES.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

SIT DOWN, MR. SIMONETTI.

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I'M ORDERING YOU TO SIT DOWN.

YOU THINK YOU
CONTROL THIS ROOM, HUH?

DO YOU THINK THIS
BAILIFF GIVES YOU THAT?

THIS IS MY COURT, SIR,
AND I MAKE THE RULES HERE.

RETURN TO YOUR SEAT, SIR.

I SPEND 20 YEARS IN THE
STREET, ARE YOU READY?

DOMINIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE READY, MY MAN?

OH!

NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD.

TAKE YOUR PIECE OUT
AND PUT IT ON THE TABLE

AND SLIDE IT TO ME.

DO IT.

COME ON.

NOW TAKE YOUR STICK

AND PUT IT THROUGH
THOSE DOOR HANDLES.

AND DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.

IN THE FUTURE OFFICER,

THE FIRST RULE OF
LAW ENFORCEMENT

IS NEVER GIVE UP YOUR
PIECE FOR ANYONE.

COME ON.

HEY, DO YOU... HIT
THE ALARM YET?

EXCUSE ME. DOESN'T
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

JUST MOVE YOUR
DESK NEAR THE DOOR.

HELP HER.

COME ON YOU HURRY IT UP.

MOVE IT.

AND UNPLUG THE PHONE.

I DON'T WANT TO
TALK TO ANY COPS.

COME ON, IT'S YOU AND ME
APPROACH THE BENCH, OKAY?

APPROACH THE BENCH.

ARE YOU SCARED YET?

JUST ENOUGH LIKE
A BACK ALLEY ROUTS.

MR. SIMONETTI, WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS?

WHY?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, JUDGE.

THE ONE HUMAN SIDE I HAD LEFT

WAS BEING A FATHER

AND YOU JUST TOOK THAT AWAY.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY A BIG SURPRISE

THE WAY THE THINGS WERE GOING,

WHICH IS WHY IN ADDITION
TO THIS 9 MILLIMETER BERETTA

WITH A 14 SHOT
CLIP, I BROUGHT THIS.

OH!

YOU SEE.

TWELVE GAUGE CUT DOWN,
LOADED WITH DOUBLE O BUCKSHOT.

NOW TELL ME, JUDGE.

WHO MAKES THE RULES NOW?

I'M SORRY WITH THE
SALARY OF 37,000,

50 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR IS
NOT GOING TO MAKE IT HERE.

COME ON, ANYTHING MORE
THAN THAT IS OPPRESSIVE.

LOOK AT HER LIVING EXPENSES.

I SEE NOTHING OPPRESSIVE

ABOUT TRIMMING HER $200 A
MONTH CLOTHING ALLOWANCE.

SEE I WORK FOR A LAW FIRM

AND I HAVE TO LOOK RIGHT
FOR THE CLIENTS AND...

WELL, YOU GONNA HAVE TO
LOOK RIGHT FOR LITTLE LESS,

$50 A MONTH.

THIS HEALTH CLUB
MEMBERSHIP IS DISALLOWED TOO.

YOU CAN JOG IN THE PARK.

MONTHLY TRANSPORTATION
SEEMS HIGH.

WELL, THE BUS COST $20 EACH WAY.

SOMETIMES I WORK LATE
AND I HAVE TO TAKE CABS.

NINETY DOLLARS
IS STILL EXCESSIVE.

A MONTHLY BUSS PASS IS 44

AND WHEN YOU WORK LATE,

THE FIRM SHOULD
PAY THE CAB FARE,

I'LL GIVE YOU 55,

ENTERTAINMENT EXPENSES NO WAY.

NONE OF IT?

MISS. MELMAN,

YOU'RE GOING INTO
BANKRUPTCY HERE

AND THAT MEANS,

THE PEOPLE YOU OWE
ARE NOT GOING TO BE PAID.

YOUR CREDITORS ARE
GOING TO BE VERY UPSET,

JUSTIFIABLY SO,

THAT I'M NOT GOING TO
COMPOUND THEIR ANGER

BY GIVING YOU MOVIE MONEY.

I'LL TAKE YOUR CREDIT CARDS.

CLERK.

I'LL MAKE MY RECOMMENDATION

AFTER FURTHER REVIEW
OF YOUR BANK STATEMENTS

AND I WANT A SALARY VERIFICATION

FROM HER PLACE OF
EMPLOYMENT AS WELL.

DOING OKAY?

THEY CONFISCATED
MY SUCTION CUPS.

LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT
YOUR SUCTION CUPS RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN, EVERYTHING IS
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE
GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS

AND THEY ALL GONNA
COME OUT AND SUPPORT ME.

I'M GONNA BECOME FAMOUS AGAIN.

JULIUS.

LISTEN, I WANT YOU
TO CONTACT MY AGENT

'CAUSE I BET THE PRODUCERS

ARE TRYING TO GET
IN TOUCH WITH HIM,

BECAUSE I BET THEY WANT
ME FOR THE REMAKE NOW.

I MEAN, NOW THAT THEY KNOW
THAT I AM THE REAL THING.

JULIUS,

NOBODY IS COMING
OUT TO SUPPORT YOU.

NOBODY IS CALLING YOUR AGENT.

THE PRODUCERS JUST
WANT YOU TO GO AWAY

AND IT'S THE CINCH THEY WILL
GET THE COURT TO BACK THEM UP.

LISTEN TO ME,

THE HOSPITAL WANTS
TO COMMIT YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU AS YOUR LAWYER,

IF THEY THINK YOU
CAN'T DISTINGUISH

BETWEEN YOUR REAL SELF

AND THAT CRIME
FIGHTING CREATURE,

THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU LOCKED UP.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME, JULIUS?

PLEASE, JULIUS, GIVE
UP THE SALAMANDER.

IT DOESN'T EXIST.

YOU HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT
IT NOW FOR YOUR OWN SAKE,

YOU HAVE TO NOW.

THEN I HAVE NOTHING.

I HAVE NOTHING FOREVER.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

THIS IS THE ONLY
THING THAT I KNOW.

THIS IS THE ONLY
THING THAT I AM.

TWENTY-ONE YEARS OF KICKING ASS

AND TAKING NAMES
AND I'M STILL ON PATROL.

TWENTY-ONE YEARS
WAITING INTO THE PROJECTS

AND THE STREETS TO STARE DOWN

WHACKED OUT THE GENERATES,

WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE KING KONG.

TWENTY-ONE YEARS
OF BRINGING HIM IN

ONLY TO SEE GENIUSES LIKE
YOU TURN THEM LOOSE AGAIN.

DOM?

WHAT, HONEY? WHAT IS IT?

I WANT YOU TO STOP THIS.

OH, DO YOU?

YES, I DO.

TELL ME,

YOU AND YOUR LAWYER
BEEN PLAYING AROUND, HUH?

OH, DOMINIC.

OH, NO, I KNOW YOU'VE
BEEN GOING OUT.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
IF IT'S BEEN WITH HIM?

I MEAN, YOU SPEND ALL
THIS TIME TOGETHER.

HE UNDERSTOOD WHAT
YOU WERE GOING THROUGH.

YOU CAUGHT HIM STARING AT YOU,

YOU STARED BACK, HUH?

BINGO.

WHAT A THRILL TO BE SINGLE AGAIN

INSTEAD OF MARRIED TO SOME
BURNT OUT WRECK OF A COP.

YOU'RE CRAZY, DOMINIC.

YEAH.

ALL COPS ARE CRAZY,

COMES FROM HAVING EYES
IN BACK OF THEIR HEADS.

COPS, COPS, COPS!

GOD, I AM SICK TO DEATH
HEARING ABOUT COPS.

JUST WHAT IS IT THAT
MAKES YOU THINK

YOU'RE SO SPECIAL?

ONLY ANOTHER COP KNOWS
THE ANSWER TO THAT, BABY.

ANOTHER COP? YOU
HATE OTHER COPS.

FROM THE ROOKIES
YOU CAN'T DEPEND ON

TO THE BUREAUCRATS

WHO PLOT AGAINST
YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

TO THE WIFE WHO
STABS ME IN THE BACK.

DOMINIC, I BEGGED
YOU TO GET HELP.

FROM WHERE? A DEPARTMENT SHRINK?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO HELP ME.

I TRIED.

YOU WALKED AWAY!

YOU TOOK MY KIDS AND YOU WALKED!

YOU'RE NOT
BLAMELESS IN ALL THIS.

I NEVER WALKED AWAY.

YOU MADE MY LIFE UNBEARABLE.

UNBEARABLE?

OH, YOU EVER HEAR
OF LOYALTY, VICKI?

BLIND UNFLINCHING LOYALTY

OF DUTY AND
CHILDREN AND FOREVER.

I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY, DOMINIC.

I JUST COULDN'T STAY

MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE.

AND MAYBE THAT MAKES ME
A LOUSY PERSON BUT I JUST...

PUT YOUR HEAD BACK DOWN.

MR. SIMONETTI,

DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER ON
YOUR KIDS THAN IT ALREADY IS.

HEY, JUDGE, I KNOW THE SPEECH.

I'VE GIVEN IT MYSELF.

THE TROUBLE IS IT ONLY WORKS

IF THE PERSON YOU'RE
GIVING IT TO ISN'T READY TO DIE.

I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE READY TO DIE.

YOU DON'T?

YOU CARRY A BADGE AND A GUN

AND THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY

ARE KIDS AND CRIMINALS.

I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY, MR...

YOU TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, THIS.

TELL ME, YOUR HONOR,

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU
TO START TAKING ME SERIOUSLY?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND

HOW MUCH I LOVE MY KIDS?

PLEASE!

PLEASE!

PROVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM.

PUT THE GUN DOWN.

DON'T RUIN THEIR LIVES
BY PULLING THAT TRIGGER.

I WAS ALWAYS A GOOD FATHER
TO THEM, WASN'T I, VICKI?

OH, YES, DOMINIC.

THEY WILL ALWAYS KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM, HUH?

YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE
DONE NEEDING TO KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE THEIR FATHER.

YOU WILL NEVER STOP
BEING THEIR FATHER.

WE BROUGHT THREE
CHILDREN INTO THIS WORLD.

PLEASE DON'T
ABANDON THEM, DOMINIC.

PLEASE DON'T ABANDON THEM.

HERE YOU GO, JUDGE,

CALL THE OFFICER,
TAKE MY FIREARMS

AND PLACE ME UNDER ARREST.

HERE THEY COME.

OKAY, GET THE CAMERAS READY.

IT'S ALL SET. EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,

MAY I TALK TO YOU
JUST FOR A MOMENT?

OKAY, EVERYONE IS ALL RIGHT.

HOW IS MONICA?

SHE'S FINE.

JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

MR. BECKER, CAN
YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE?

OKAY, THANKS.

LET'S GO.

WITH ME IS MATRIMONIAL
ATTORNEY ARNOLD BECKER,

WHO WAS ONE OF
THOSE HELD HOSTAGE.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE IN
THERE, MR. BECKER?

IT WAS KIND OF FRIGHTENING,

BUT I THINK EVERYBODY
HANDLED IT VERY WELL.

WHAT WAS YOUR
IMPRESSION OF THE GUNMAN?

I'M JUST GRATEFUL
THAT HE SURRENDERED

WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE.

I CAN'T REALLY SPEAK
ABOUT HIM BEYOND THAT.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. BECKER.

THIS IS THE SECOND COURTROOM
EXPLOSION IN AS MANY DAYS.

YOU WILL REMEMBER
THAT JUST YESTERDAY

43-YEAR-OLD JULIUS GOLDFARB

LITERALLY CLIMBED
THE WALLS OF JUSTICE

IN HIS SALAMANDER COSTUME,

COMPLETE WITH
LEGAL TAIL AND TONGUE.

THE HAPPY REPTILE IS
CURRENTLY TAKING THE DAY OFF

FROM CRIME FIGHTING,

WHILE HE UNDERGOES A
PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION

AND THAT'S IT FROM HERE.

FROM SUPERIOR COURT
DOWNTOWN, LOS ANGELES.

I'M JANET PEARCE.

BENNY, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

YOU'RE SAD ABOUT
JULIUS, AREN'T YOU?

HAS HE GONE FOREVER?

NO, JUST FOR A LITTLE
WHILE UNTIL HE'S BETTER.

IT ISN'T GOOD TO BELIEVE
WHEN THE SALAMANDER IS A...

BECAUSE HE AIN'T REALLY REAL.

WELL, THE SALAMANDER
IS MAKE-BELIEVE,

BUT THE THINGS THAT
HE REMINDS US OF

TO BE HONEST,

TO CARE FOR OTHER
PEOPLE, TO BE KIND,

THOSE THINGS ARE VERY REAL

AND SO IS THE HAPPINESS
THAT JULIUS BRINGS TO PEOPLE

WHEN HE ACTS AS THE SALAMANDER.

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
THAT. CAN'T YOU, BENNY?

I THINK.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, BENNY.

THROUGH HONESTY AND
JUSTICE, VIRTUE SHALL GROW.

"SALAMANDER
SALAMANDER, ONWARD HO!"

SO I TOLD THE BROKER WHO
DOES HE THINK HE'S KIDDING.

I KNOW THE CONDO
MARKET HERE IN BUNKERHILL.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME
GREAT INVESTMENT PROPERTY HERE.

SO ANYWAY WE'RE GONNA
GET BACK TO THE SELLER

AND IF HE COMES
DOWN GREAT AND IF NOT,

I'LL JUST KEEP SCHLAPPING
IN FROM SHERMAN OAKS.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ABOUT WHAT?

COME ON, ROX, IF YOU
GONNA MAKE ME HOLD UP

BOTH ENDS OF THE CONVERSATION,

AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY
OF PAYING A LITTLE INTEREST.

BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED.

YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
YOURSELF EVER SINCE WE SAT DOWN,

ALL NIGHT.

YOUR BUSINESS DEALS, YOUR MONEY,

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN

HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE
OR WHAT STUFF YOU WANT TO BUY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, ROXANNE?

I SPENT THE WHOLE AFTERNOON
IN BANKRUPTCY COURT, DAVID.

I OWE THE GOVERNMENT $14,000

AND I'M COMPLETELY BROKE.

I HAD A JUDGE PUT
ME ON AN ALLOWANCE,

TALKING TO ME LIKE
I'M NINE YEARS OLD

AND I HAVE HAD TO SIT HERE
LOOKING AT A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

TAHT WOULD TAKE ME
THREE WEEKS TO PAY FOR,

WHILE YOU WAX ON ABOUT CONDOS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

I COULD HAVE LOANED
YOU THE MONEY.

WELL, WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO?

THIS IS TRADING ONE
DEBT FOR ANOTHER.

LOOK, IT'S NOT THE
END OF THE WORLD, ROX.

IT'S GOT TO BE
PRETTY DAMN CLOSE.

I'M 38 YEARS OLD AND I'VE
GOT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

NO FAMILY, NO MONEY,

EVERY NICKEL I MAKE FOR
THE NEXT THREE YEARS

WILL BE DOLED OUT
TO ME BY A COURT.

I DON'T HAVE A CAR, I
CAN'T TAKE A VACATION.

I'VE GOT NO CONTROL
OVER MY OWN LIFE.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, I'VE GOT TO GO.

HUNGRY?

NOT REALLY.

DID YOU CANCEL THE RESERVATIONS?

YEAH, I REALLY THOUGHT
THAT HE WAS GONNA DO IT.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE
WAS GONNA KILL YOU.

CONSIDER MY VIEW OF IT.

MAYBE THINK ABOUT
WHAT I'D BE LOSING.

I MEAN, WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT

THAT'S IT AND HERE I
AM, THIS 37-YEAR-OLD GUY

WHO SCRAMBLED HIS WHOLE
LIFE TO AVOID GETTING TIED DOWN.

YOU WERE JUST
HAVING TOO MUCH FUN.

MAYBE THAT'S
WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE,

BUT REALLY I WAS
JUST THINKING THAT

THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING
BETTER OVER THE NEXT HILL,

THAT IF I COMMIT TO THIS

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THAT COMES ALONG.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IS,

EVERYTHING PASSES YOU BY
AND YOU LOOK DESPERATELY

TRYING TO PRETEND LIKE
FUN IS WHAT YOU'RE HAVING.

WE'RE BOTH HERE, BABY.

HE DIDN'T TOUCH A
HAIR ON OUR HEADS.

DON'T LET ME WRECK
THINGS, MONICA.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

THERE'S NOTHING
THAT SAYS YOU HAVE TO.

WHEN I LOOKED AT YOU
TODAY WITH THAT GUN POINTED

AT YOUR HEAD, I SAID TO MYSELF,

GOD, PLEASE DON'T
TAKE HER FROM ME.

LET ME GROW OLD
NEAR THE WOMAN I LOVE.