Kukhnya (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Today verification SES. Trouble in the kitchen, as the chief gave the order to clean up. Here everything is ready, but their new surprise lurking instead of good old friend comes a new inspector. Max and the bones are in stock package of rotten potatoes and throw it. But it turns out that this is not a potato and how friends thought, and truffles. Unfortunately for them the only one who can help guys - bum. But he puts it a condition to be fulfilled.
When you come to the restaurant,
and order your favourite dish,
you most probably, never think about the way it took
to end up on your plate.
They decorate it.
Fry it.
Cut it.
But first of all,
they choose the best ingredients for your dish.
Tell me honestly, Timur
this sheep died of old age.
Hey! Why do you offend me? Listen...
If this young and delicious lamb could talk
he would not tell you anything anyway,
because they cant talk at this early age.
I dont need talking sheep,
half of my kitchen is full of them.
Ok, ok. Wait
Here, look at this one.
I swear, If I were a lamb, I would marry this piece of meat.
- Yea, this is a good one.
- Just good?!!
This one is the best. I was eating his mom.
Ok, I will take it.
Chef, brother...do you need truffles?
Not expensive.
Timur, are you back to your old tricks again?
Are you offering me smuggled goods?
Of course, I need. How much?
For you, as you are like a brother to me, just 600 EUR for a kilo.
- Of course, I'll take it.
- …Then 700 EUR.
Timur, don't try to rip me off.
Ok, ok. Dont get upset.
Viktor Petrovich, good morning to you.
Good morning, Radion Sergeevich.
I just want to point out that yesterday's "foie gras" was magnifique (french).
Thanks, Radion Sergeevich, bon apettit.
I'll send someone now to unload.
- Aaa…
- Ah! Money I will pay tomorrow.
I love your thoughts.
- Hi.
- Hello, appendicitis.
- How is it going?
- I'm on fire.
Senya, are you any time soon? I need the foam.
Wait, I'll finish shaving my right arm and give it to you.
What are you doing? Shaving your arms?
And how do you imagine it? what if hair fall in the food...
Today is 15th of the month, inspection time.
Seriously? but that's stupidity!
Stupidity is the way you were frying shrimps yesterday.
And shaving of arms is mandatory according to Health Standard Organization.
You see? If they find a single hair, they will fire you straight away.
You should have warned me, I dont even have a razor.
Ok, then, you can take mine.
Its a razor for the hands, not for the face, so no problem.
- Thanks.
- Just give it back!
- What are you doing with my razor?
- Shaving my hands.
Are you an idiot?! Why?!
But Senya has also shaved them.
What can he shave? His hair don't grow.
What an idiot!
They fool all newcomers the same way.
Go to the kitchen, and don't forget to wear the hat.
My little...
I will find for you a proper place.
Here.
Here you will feel good, my precious...
- You have already started to talk to vegetables, right?
- What?
Today is 15th of the month, do you remember?
- The inspection will come, and you have a mess here as always.
- Where is the mess?
Where is the mess?
Look at this sparkling-clean shelf.
Small amount of money can solve big problems.
If your kitchen was in order, we would not have to pay this "small amount of money"
My dear, we wouldnt pay this money only on one codition
If no one cooks here and no one eats there.
Understand, in this country, they are looking for violations, not to eliminate them,
but to get money for them.
- Lets go to smoke.
- But Im not smoking.
Lets go anyway.
I dont have anyone to clean it up.
Everyone is busy. Give this order to your lazybones.
- So do you think that my staff is chilling out, right?
- Right.
You have pierced me with your salami.
Max!
Tell Maria, that I loved her, my friend.
No one has cleaned here since opening.
What the hell!
What is it?
- Looks like rotten potato.
- Should I throw it away?
No, sell it online.
Do you think anyone will buy it?
Kostyan, don't be dumb.
Excuse me!
- How can I help you?
- What is it?
Its a hair.
I can see that its a hair.
Why do you ask then?
I just want to understand,
how this hair end up on my plate.
Most probably it fall off your head.
That long?
Maybe from your beard.
I dont have a beard.
Then from someone else's beard.
Call me your head Chef.
I will call him now.
Viktor Petrovich, we have an inspection.
Come in, please.
Sergei Borisovich, hello!
Come in. Have a seat.
- I didn’t come here just for fun today.
- Well, it’s clear.
There is a letter for you here.
Thank you.
Its nice that you don't forget me.
I just came to warn you,
I have been moved to a different district.
Today a new inspector will visit you.
As they say, forewarned is forearmed.
Good luck to you. All the best.
What?
A little money solve big problems, right?
Chef, they are calling you there.
“A hair 8cm.”
- I found this hair on my plate.
In the name of the restaurant, we sincerely apologize for this.
Please be assured, that this brunette will be punished.
Believe me, we will handle this.
Of course we will handle this.
I came here for this reason .
I'm a new inspector of Health Control Organization.
Responsible for your district.
Lets start inspection from dining-hall.
Attention, weird creatures! Silence!
Now, in the dining-hall we've got a man from the Health Control,
whom you, retards, have fed with ratatouille with original sauce of human hair.
And I want to know, whose stupid and careless body lost this hair.
Chef...
Its most probably appendicitis.
He was responsible for storage and for slicing vegetables.
No way, I haven't taken off my hat since the morning.
Lev Semenovich can confirm.
And moreover, even my arms are shaved.
Are we having fun?!
Its a complete nonsense, right?!
His mustache is fine but he forced us to shave arms.
Even his fingers are hairy.
Just don't tell Chef that I told you.
- So? did you clean it up, retards?
- Yes! Chef, and we are not retards.
- Leva?
- Yes.
If someone doesn't have brains, he is a retard, right?
- Yes.
- You see, diagnosis is correct.
And where are...? There were truffles here.
- What?
- There were truffles in the bag. In the blue bag.
Hmm... We moved it to the storage.
- Why?
- What if ...some idiot decides that it’s a rotten potato and throws it away?
And there is a safe place.
Chicken-butt, truffles should be in cold place.
Get it here right now!
1000 EUR per kilo. If they go bad, we will deduct it from your salary...
- Right Leva?
- Yes.
Lets go.
Kostyan, are you stupid?
Why did you throw out the truffles?
Its an expensive product. They have to be stored in a cool place.
Why did you tell me to throw it out?
- I said that?
- Yes.
I didnt say to throw it out, I said to sell it online.
I didnt use the word "throw out", Kostyan, are you crazy?
- Where did you keep them?
- In the trash. On the street.
- Clean it.
- Yes, Chef.
- In the freezer.
- Done, Chef.
Leva! To the laundry!
We are not sleeping, Leva! We have an inspection!
Leva!
And here is our kitchen, please come in.
So, I dont have any comments about dinning hall.
Lets have a look at your kitchen.
Slippery floor is a source of danger for the staff.
Why is there an opened bottle of alcohol next to the grill?
Ok, I understand.
Just one clear violation,
and you won't get away with a regular fine.
Let's continue.
What is in here?
Its a storage of alcohol.
Lets go to the back yard.
Here is our ideal back yard, please inspect it.
Interesting.
That's it, Max, there's nothing in here.
Chef, as you told us, we checked all garbage bins.
No cockroaches or rats were detected.
The staff of the dinning hall and the kitchen are going through the garbage bins in their uniforms
and then welcome guests.
Its just a misunderstanding.
- And then cook food!
- Its not a big deal!
This is unacceptable! Im closing down this restaurant.
Lets go to the dinning-hall, calm down and have a dinner.
- We are dead.
- Don’t dramatize.
Its all show off. Now they will give him some money and everything will be fine.
Kostyan! How could you mess up with truffles like this, ah?
Its not me, not just me...but Us...
Aren't you looking for this by any chance?
- Come here!
- Give it to me!
Listen you, prick, where are the truffles?
So rude...
My name is Rodion Sergeevich, step aside please...
And truffles...
in a safe place.
And Im ready to give it to you back
in return to a small favor, Konstantin,
Max, you are a psycho!
They will not let him in the dining-hall. Max, he is homeless.
Excuse me, I can hear everything by the way.
I am citizen of the world.
- Are these lockers of Senia and Fedia?
- Yes.
They are locked, Max.
Man, what are my skilled shaved arms for?
If you know any other way to get truffles back, dont stay quiet.
Wait, may be we will pay you some money?
Bargaining is irrelevant here.
I have lunch in this restaurant
and you get your truffles back.
Restaurant "Claude Monet", how may I help you?
Can I book a table for 5 pm for a writer
Viktor Pelevin?
- Its an honor. We are expecting you.
- Thanks.
Max, what Pelevin? What Pelevin? What if she knows how he looks like, ah?
Calm down. Do you know how Pelevin looks like?
- No.
- And I know.
Like this.
Honestly, I dont feel comfortable to impersonate such a great man.
- Chef, what's going on there?
- There, Leva, is an angry freak, who doesn’t take bribes.
Ah, yeah, he is like our Captain.
He stopped drinking once and until he started drinking again, he was angry like a shark.
These idiots, once caught a poisonous fish...
I told them not to eat it, but they ate it.
Storage of alcohol.
Alcohol. Alcohol.
I got it, he wants to get clean.
This freak is trying to stop drinking
- Who?
- Inspector. That’s why he is acting this way.
Sasha, come here.
- Can you see that guy sitting there?
-The bold one? -Yea.
Offer him some good wine on the house.
Ok, sure.
Good bye.
Good afternoon.
- Do you have a reservation?
- Yes.
Your name, please?
- Pelevin.
- Seriously? I recognized you right away.
Let me accompany you.
No doubts, he is trying to stay clean.
Well, then if we cant make you drink, we will feed you.
- Louis, dessert with cognac on you.
- Yes, Chef.
Girlies, get the booze, daddy is going to cook an alcodinner.
Foie gras and truffle salad for table seven.
Chicken-butt, get here a truffle.
Nastia, can you say that truffles are not good today,
so they will order something else?
No, I can not.
That gentleman said that he came here specially for this dish.
Ah, by the way. He asked to give you this.
Thanks.
You are welcome.
- Chicken-butt, do I have to wait this truffle till the end of my days?
- On the way, chef.
Is everything alright here?
We honored you conditions.
Here is the phone number...
call it...
and my friend will give you everything back.
Enjoy your meal.
I have to admit that in this disgusting restaurant,
they cook not so bad.
Girl!
Girl! come here...
Girl! repeat it...
Please, be careful! What are you doing?
How dare you? You have to apologize to the lady immediately!
Piss off!
Listen, its outrageous!
Its not a restaurant, its an eatery!
You let any homeless beggars in this restaurant.
Sir, be careful! This is Pelevin!
- Screw Pelevin!
- Are you hurt?
Dostoevskii...
Ladies and gentlemen, everything is fine.
It was my first and last time in this restaurant.
We are so sorry!
Calm down, sir! Please!
Champagne for everyone!
We are really sorry!
And now... Aren't you a human?
Ladies and gentlemen come here, all drinks on me!
Drink it! Its free!
Give it to me, give it now!
Guys, lets drink some champagne!
- We are really sorry!
- Calm down!
Sit down!
You! You put a hair in my food!
You have to leave!
Keep him in my office. Let him sleep it off.
Here we go.Tomorrow we will show him security footage
and most probably we will pass this inspection.
Congratulations! Well done!
And that because of you, we had this scandal in the restaurant
and this alcoholic beat up Pelevin, scared away our guests, is it fine?
Of course its not fine...
Its a big and important event.
Now we are not just a good restaurant,
but a good restaurant where Pelevin was beaten up.
Oh, my God!
Hello, we are calling you on behalf of Rodion Sergeevich.
You have to give us something.
Then we have to arrange a meeting.
Rodion Sergeevich told me that you are very important people.
Hello???
Why are you quiet? Tell me the location.
What happened?
Viktor, there is probably a mistake.
Someone has thrown away this amazing truffles.
Thanks, Rodion Sergeevich.
How may I show you my gratitude?
May I have one truffle?
They look so good.
Chef, Im sorry...I...
I havent seen truffles before.
In Voronezh, we have only... chocolates called trufflEs (mispronounces)
TrUffles!
Its fine. Im very kind today, we passed the inspection.
But the bill for Rodion Sergeevich's dinner,
you will have to pay.
22 thousands?!
Life always tests our resistance.
Some are able to pass its tests.
Others are not...
For some, life is a kaleidoscope of adventures.
For others, its a series of disappointments.
In any case...
life always teaches us to be ready for its unexpected twists...
and order your favourite dish,
you most probably, never think about the way it took
to end up on your plate.
They decorate it.
Fry it.
Cut it.
But first of all,
they choose the best ingredients for your dish.
Tell me honestly, Timur
this sheep died of old age.
Hey! Why do you offend me? Listen...
If this young and delicious lamb could talk
he would not tell you anything anyway,
because they cant talk at this early age.
I dont need talking sheep,
half of my kitchen is full of them.
Ok, ok. Wait
Here, look at this one.
I swear, If I were a lamb, I would marry this piece of meat.
- Yea, this is a good one.
- Just good?!!
This one is the best. I was eating his mom.
Ok, I will take it.
Chef, brother...do you need truffles?
Not expensive.
Timur, are you back to your old tricks again?
Are you offering me smuggled goods?
Of course, I need. How much?
For you, as you are like a brother to me, just 600 EUR for a kilo.
- Of course, I'll take it.
- …Then 700 EUR.
Timur, don't try to rip me off.
Ok, ok. Dont get upset.
Viktor Petrovich, good morning to you.
Good morning, Radion Sergeevich.
I just want to point out that yesterday's "foie gras" was magnifique (french).
Thanks, Radion Sergeevich, bon apettit.
I'll send someone now to unload.
- Aaa…
- Ah! Money I will pay tomorrow.
I love your thoughts.
- Hi.
- Hello, appendicitis.
- How is it going?
- I'm on fire.
Senya, are you any time soon? I need the foam.
Wait, I'll finish shaving my right arm and give it to you.
What are you doing? Shaving your arms?
And how do you imagine it? what if hair fall in the food...
Today is 15th of the month, inspection time.
Seriously? but that's stupidity!
Stupidity is the way you were frying shrimps yesterday.
And shaving of arms is mandatory according to Health Standard Organization.
You see? If they find a single hair, they will fire you straight away.
You should have warned me, I dont even have a razor.
Ok, then, you can take mine.
Its a razor for the hands, not for the face, so no problem.
- Thanks.
- Just give it back!
- What are you doing with my razor?
- Shaving my hands.
Are you an idiot?! Why?!
But Senya has also shaved them.
What can he shave? His hair don't grow.
What an idiot!
They fool all newcomers the same way.
Go to the kitchen, and don't forget to wear the hat.
My little...
I will find for you a proper place.
Here.
Here you will feel good, my precious...
- You have already started to talk to vegetables, right?
- What?
Today is 15th of the month, do you remember?
- The inspection will come, and you have a mess here as always.
- Where is the mess?
Where is the mess?
Look at this sparkling-clean shelf.
Small amount of money can solve big problems.
If your kitchen was in order, we would not have to pay this "small amount of money"
My dear, we wouldnt pay this money only on one codition
If no one cooks here and no one eats there.
Understand, in this country, they are looking for violations, not to eliminate them,
but to get money for them.
- Lets go to smoke.
- But Im not smoking.
Lets go anyway.
I dont have anyone to clean it up.
Everyone is busy. Give this order to your lazybones.
- So do you think that my staff is chilling out, right?
- Right.
You have pierced me with your salami.
Max!
Tell Maria, that I loved her, my friend.
No one has cleaned here since opening.
What the hell!
What is it?
- Looks like rotten potato.
- Should I throw it away?
No, sell it online.
Do you think anyone will buy it?
Kostyan, don't be dumb.
Excuse me!
- How can I help you?
- What is it?
Its a hair.
I can see that its a hair.
Why do you ask then?
I just want to understand,
how this hair end up on my plate.
Most probably it fall off your head.
That long?
Maybe from your beard.
I dont have a beard.
Then from someone else's beard.
Call me your head Chef.
I will call him now.
Viktor Petrovich, we have an inspection.
Come in, please.
Sergei Borisovich, hello!
Come in. Have a seat.
- I didn’t come here just for fun today.
- Well, it’s clear.
There is a letter for you here.
Thank you.
Its nice that you don't forget me.
I just came to warn you,
I have been moved to a different district.
Today a new inspector will visit you.
As they say, forewarned is forearmed.
Good luck to you. All the best.
What?
A little money solve big problems, right?
Chef, they are calling you there.
“A hair 8cm.”
- I found this hair on my plate.
In the name of the restaurant, we sincerely apologize for this.
Please be assured, that this brunette will be punished.
Believe me, we will handle this.
Of course we will handle this.
I came here for this reason .
I'm a new inspector of Health Control Organization.
Responsible for your district.
Lets start inspection from dining-hall.
Attention, weird creatures! Silence!
Now, in the dining-hall we've got a man from the Health Control,
whom you, retards, have fed with ratatouille with original sauce of human hair.
And I want to know, whose stupid and careless body lost this hair.
Chef...
Its most probably appendicitis.
He was responsible for storage and for slicing vegetables.
No way, I haven't taken off my hat since the morning.
Lev Semenovich can confirm.
And moreover, even my arms are shaved.
Are we having fun?!
Its a complete nonsense, right?!
His mustache is fine but he forced us to shave arms.
Even his fingers are hairy.
Just don't tell Chef that I told you.
- So? did you clean it up, retards?
- Yes! Chef, and we are not retards.
- Leva?
- Yes.
If someone doesn't have brains, he is a retard, right?
- Yes.
- You see, diagnosis is correct.
And where are...? There were truffles here.
- What?
- There were truffles in the bag. In the blue bag.
Hmm... We moved it to the storage.
- Why?
- What if ...some idiot decides that it’s a rotten potato and throws it away?
And there is a safe place.
Chicken-butt, truffles should be in cold place.
Get it here right now!
1000 EUR per kilo. If they go bad, we will deduct it from your salary...
- Right Leva?
- Yes.
Lets go.
Kostyan, are you stupid?
Why did you throw out the truffles?
Its an expensive product. They have to be stored in a cool place.
Why did you tell me to throw it out?
- I said that?
- Yes.
I didnt say to throw it out, I said to sell it online.
I didnt use the word "throw out", Kostyan, are you crazy?
- Where did you keep them?
- In the trash. On the street.
- Clean it.
- Yes, Chef.
- In the freezer.
- Done, Chef.
Leva! To the laundry!
We are not sleeping, Leva! We have an inspection!
Leva!
And here is our kitchen, please come in.
So, I dont have any comments about dinning hall.
Lets have a look at your kitchen.
Slippery floor is a source of danger for the staff.
Why is there an opened bottle of alcohol next to the grill?
Ok, I understand.
Just one clear violation,
and you won't get away with a regular fine.
Let's continue.
What is in here?
Its a storage of alcohol.
Lets go to the back yard.
Here is our ideal back yard, please inspect it.
Interesting.
That's it, Max, there's nothing in here.
Chef, as you told us, we checked all garbage bins.
No cockroaches or rats were detected.
The staff of the dinning hall and the kitchen are going through the garbage bins in their uniforms
and then welcome guests.
Its just a misunderstanding.
- And then cook food!
- Its not a big deal!
This is unacceptable! Im closing down this restaurant.
Lets go to the dinning-hall, calm down and have a dinner.
- We are dead.
- Don’t dramatize.
Its all show off. Now they will give him some money and everything will be fine.
Kostyan! How could you mess up with truffles like this, ah?
Its not me, not just me...but Us...
Aren't you looking for this by any chance?
- Come here!
- Give it to me!
Listen you, prick, where are the truffles?
So rude...
My name is Rodion Sergeevich, step aside please...
And truffles...
in a safe place.
And Im ready to give it to you back
in return to a small favor, Konstantin,
Max, you are a psycho!
They will not let him in the dining-hall. Max, he is homeless.
Excuse me, I can hear everything by the way.
I am citizen of the world.
- Are these lockers of Senia and Fedia?
- Yes.
They are locked, Max.
Man, what are my skilled shaved arms for?
If you know any other way to get truffles back, dont stay quiet.
Wait, may be we will pay you some money?
Bargaining is irrelevant here.
I have lunch in this restaurant
and you get your truffles back.
Restaurant "Claude Monet", how may I help you?
Can I book a table for 5 pm for a writer
Viktor Pelevin?
- Its an honor. We are expecting you.
- Thanks.
Max, what Pelevin? What Pelevin? What if she knows how he looks like, ah?
Calm down. Do you know how Pelevin looks like?
- No.
- And I know.
Like this.
Honestly, I dont feel comfortable to impersonate such a great man.
- Chef, what's going on there?
- There, Leva, is an angry freak, who doesn’t take bribes.
Ah, yeah, he is like our Captain.
He stopped drinking once and until he started drinking again, he was angry like a shark.
These idiots, once caught a poisonous fish...
I told them not to eat it, but they ate it.
Storage of alcohol.
Alcohol. Alcohol.
I got it, he wants to get clean.
This freak is trying to stop drinking
- Who?
- Inspector. That’s why he is acting this way.
Sasha, come here.
- Can you see that guy sitting there?
-The bold one? -Yea.
Offer him some good wine on the house.
Ok, sure.
Good bye.
Good afternoon.
- Do you have a reservation?
- Yes.
Your name, please?
- Pelevin.
- Seriously? I recognized you right away.
Let me accompany you.
No doubts, he is trying to stay clean.
Well, then if we cant make you drink, we will feed you.
- Louis, dessert with cognac on you.
- Yes, Chef.
Girlies, get the booze, daddy is going to cook an alcodinner.
Foie gras and truffle salad for table seven.
Chicken-butt, get here a truffle.
Nastia, can you say that truffles are not good today,
so they will order something else?
No, I can not.
That gentleman said that he came here specially for this dish.
Ah, by the way. He asked to give you this.
Thanks.
You are welcome.
- Chicken-butt, do I have to wait this truffle till the end of my days?
- On the way, chef.
Is everything alright here?
We honored you conditions.
Here is the phone number...
call it...
and my friend will give you everything back.
Enjoy your meal.
I have to admit that in this disgusting restaurant,
they cook not so bad.
Girl!
Girl! come here...
Girl! repeat it...
Please, be careful! What are you doing?
How dare you? You have to apologize to the lady immediately!
Piss off!
Listen, its outrageous!
Its not a restaurant, its an eatery!
You let any homeless beggars in this restaurant.
Sir, be careful! This is Pelevin!
- Screw Pelevin!
- Are you hurt?
Dostoevskii...
Ladies and gentlemen, everything is fine.
It was my first and last time in this restaurant.
We are so sorry!
Calm down, sir! Please!
Champagne for everyone!
We are really sorry!
And now... Aren't you a human?
Ladies and gentlemen come here, all drinks on me!
Drink it! Its free!
Give it to me, give it now!
Guys, lets drink some champagne!
- We are really sorry!
- Calm down!
Sit down!
You! You put a hair in my food!
You have to leave!
Keep him in my office. Let him sleep it off.
Here we go.Tomorrow we will show him security footage
and most probably we will pass this inspection.
Congratulations! Well done!
And that because of you, we had this scandal in the restaurant
and this alcoholic beat up Pelevin, scared away our guests, is it fine?
Of course its not fine...
Its a big and important event.
Now we are not just a good restaurant,
but a good restaurant where Pelevin was beaten up.
Oh, my God!
Hello, we are calling you on behalf of Rodion Sergeevich.
You have to give us something.
Then we have to arrange a meeting.
Rodion Sergeevich told me that you are very important people.
Hello???
Why are you quiet? Tell me the location.
What happened?
Viktor, there is probably a mistake.
Someone has thrown away this amazing truffles.
Thanks, Rodion Sergeevich.
How may I show you my gratitude?
May I have one truffle?
They look so good.
Chef, Im sorry...I...
I havent seen truffles before.
In Voronezh, we have only... chocolates called trufflEs (mispronounces)
TrUffles!
Its fine. Im very kind today, we passed the inspection.
But the bill for Rodion Sergeevich's dinner,
you will have to pay.
22 thousands?!
Life always tests our resistance.
Some are able to pass its tests.
Others are not...
For some, life is a kaleidoscope of adventures.
For others, its a series of disappointments.
In any case...
life always teaches us to be ready for its unexpected twists...