Kukhnya (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 11 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript

In Claude Monet "the restaurant critic whom Victoria tries to calculate among visitors glanced on a spark". The circle of suspects constantly extends, and here already misunderstanding not to avoid. Kostya shows quality of the real bartender - ability to listen. Thanks to which he receives a valuable advice of the guest of an institution. But this council slightly was I didn't cost Konstantin of work. And at this time Max defends the culinary skill, Victor Barinov defends the dominant position in kitchen.

"KITCHEN"

A woman is the keeper of the hearth.

A woman brings harmony into the house,

and in return

she asks only to follow
some small rules

But if another woman
turns up near the same hearth,

the flames could get too hot.

Thank you, Nastenka.

Thanks to you,

I can throw this thing in the trash.

Look, they got stuck somewhere



in the corner of the drum.
I didn't find them.

By the way, it's a cool color.

Where's the trash can?

Where it's supposed to be.
Under the sink.

Look, stop making
your own rules here.

You know what?

At least someone has to do it,

there are ants already
running around the apartment.

Ants?

Don't worry about it.
I've already poisoned them all.

These are my ants! I...

I was raising them in my ant farm!

And you...

I knew the turtles were slow,



but...

I think our Pashka is really sluggish.

Oh! Peanut!

Kostya, don't touch it.
This is poison for ants.

Pashka has eaten the poison!

"Pashka 2013-2013"

Murderer!

No need to turn the apartment
into a terrarium!

Just keep quiet, ??? Idiot!

- Should I interfere?
- Look...

It's better not to get involved

in this women's showdown.

Look what happened to Pashka.

They just lack personal space.

They will come to work
and agree on everything.

- Good afternoon.
- Hello.

I'm your doctor, Albert Igorevich.

How are you doing?

So I was going to ask you...

How am I doing?

He has a stroke and he's joking.

- A stroke?
- No, no. don't worry.

You had a microstroke.

And according to the external signs

there's no consequences for your brain.

Let's wait for the MRI results.

And we'll see.

The only thing you need to do
is strictly follow the regime.

I'll do everything possible.

I hope you'll leave us soon.

In a good sense of the word.

If you need anything,
there is Nikolai.

Kolya!
- Yes, yes.

Yes, of course, of course.

- Kolya!
- Yes.

Get for me cigarettes.

What?

I said, get for me some cigarettes.

Your boss said,

if I need something, to contact you.

Are you serious?

It's a hospital.

It's easier with morphine here
than with cigarettes.

By the way,
do you need some morphine?

No. I want to smoke.

I can't help you with that.

- I will lose my job.
- What job?

Manager of bedpan?

They say it for a reason:
dog is a man's friend!

Dog, not some cat.

Wait a second.

A friend doesn't attack a human being.

But cats are cute home creatures...

Stupid balls of fur.

Understand?

Have you ever heard:

"Seeing-eye cat," or "lifeguard cat,"

or "guard cat," huh?

Cats have their own functions.

What other functions?

To invade the whole internet?

Listen! You're arguing just to argue!

And you're not arguing just to argue!

They say Maxim Galkin
(russian comedian, presentor)

made more money
than Brad Pitt this year!

Of course, more.

That serves them right, Americans!

It's all a lie.

How's that a lie?

This newspaper costs 60 rubles!

Brad Pitt's doing blockbusters
and making millions!

Do you know what kind of money
Galkin does on New Year's Eve?

Better than blockbusters!

There's nothing to argue about,

Brad Pitt is a star!

He's the star in the States,
and here he's just...

What did you say?

Say it again!

- Brad Pitt...?
- Yes!

Do you know who is your Galkin?

Who?

Understood?

Kostya, could you please
pass me my coffee?

I can't wake up,

I didn't sleep well all night.

Of course, because killers
are active at night.

I just don't like any little suckers.

Thank you very much.

Look...

they're fighting even more at work.

We have to patch things up urgently

or we won't have sex, that's for sure.

I mean, me and you...

- I mean...
- I got it.

We'll figure something out.

Listen...

Leva and I are going to see Chef
at the hospital today.

Come with us.

Here's Galkin.

And here's Brad Pitt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in Russia it's the opposite.

What?

This is Brad Pitt,

and this is Galkin.

Speaking kyrgyz... super star.

Can Brad Pitt parody
Zhirinovsky (russian politician)?

He understands Russian
worse than I do.

Exactly!

Galkin est qui?
Je ne comprends pas.

I do not understand.

For me it means nothing.

What's going on here?

How long do guests
have to wait for their orders?

Until Chef gets out
of the hospital, right?

Leva!

What are you waiting for?

- Senya!
- What?

When will the steak be ready?

Louis, fill the eclair with cream.

Fedya...

Cod a la bourgeois.

Don't you have any work to do?

For some reason no one
is ordering turbot today, Lyova.

Well, of course...

it's not popular here
same as Brad Pitt!

Don't do this...

- Listen to me!
- I'm listening to you.

Your Brad Pitt is a whipped man, okay?

And who is Galkin?

Presenter, singer, actor

and a husband of Pugacheva
(russian singer) actually!

- Are you nuts or something?
- Don't yell!

At me!

It's a trend already!

- Chef, hello!
- Did you get it?

Of course!

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Hello, Chef.

- H-how are you doing?
- It's okay.

Well, okay...

and how are you?

Bad, Chef...

There is a problem on my...

On your kitchen...

It's a s-silly situation.

Fedya and Senya
are arguing all the time,

and work doesn't get done.

I have already fined them

and gave them double shifts...

Nothing helps.

Viktor Petrovich, what to do?

Put them in the fridge,

let them sit there, discuss everything,
cool down.

Well, after you...

we don't lock anybody in the fridge anymore.

Then turn on your brains, Leva.

Think of something,

make them give in to each other,

bribe them after all!

How?

Tell Senya, that he can take
2 kg of meat a week.

B-b-but...

He will take it anyway.

And tell Fedya that

he can come an hour later.

But then he will be late...

And you say that from now on,

we're all going to start working
an hour earlier!

That's it, Leva,
go to the restaurant,

do good, reconcile the morons,
go ahead.

Thank you, Chef.

Listen, it's a great idea.

Let's lock our girls in the fridge.

No... It's a very bad idea:

girls... fridge...

Well, then let's follow your plan.

Oh, yeah, you don't have any plan.

Is it better, Chef?

Take it.

Are you crazy?

Smoking is forbidden in the hospital.

Exactly. What did I tell you?!

Sorry.

Amazing.

Victor Petrovich,

do you realize
that in your condition smoking is...

Are you all right?

No, I feel a bit dizzy.

Well, that's what I was talking about.

I'll call a nurse now,

she'll give you an I.V.

Chef...

Well, don't tell me you fell for it, too.

Oh, no. I mean,
this stuff will go off again.

Well done, chicken-butt.

We have to consider it.

No, no, no. What?

Two qualls?
This is not the case.

Four minimum.

Well, ok.

Just be smarter and give in
to this f-f-fool.

But four.

Wait...

Did I get it right?

everybody's working day
starts an hour earlier,

and I can come as usual?

All right then...

I'll give in.

Listen, Sasha,

I've lost my phone somewhere,
I can't find it,

looks like maybe in the fridge.

Let's go you'll dial me, huh?

Let's go.

Nastya, I...

lost my phone in the fridge.

Let's go, you'll dial me.

What were you doing
in the fridge?

I was getting eggplants.

Why do you need eggplants
in the bar?

Nastya...

to make juice.

Kostya...

We won't let you out,
until you make up.

That's it.

Now they'll calm down

and in five minutes
they'll be best friends.

I guess your Max came up
with this idea, huh?

Of course, Max.

Your Kostya
doesn't have enough brains

to come up
with something like this.

What?

Watch your words, sheep.

What? Shut up, dwarf.

They got quiet.

Probably they are hugging already.

Leave me alone.

Listen...

I've been thinking
about our argument.

I was wrong,

you're right.

Come on, I was wrong.
You're right.

I was only arguing
for the sake of the argument.

Of course,
Galkin is more popular in Russia

than Brad Pitt.

"Lyova+4 kg of meat= Senya's opinion"

Why did you agree so quickly?

"Lyova+4 kg of meat= Senya's opinion"

- Did Leva talk to you?
- What?

Yeah, well, come on,
he bribed you too.

Yeah, too?

Why are you picking on words?

- Maybe I was testing you.
- Yeah.

- And you gave up.
- I didn't give up.

- And you lost it.
- I did not lose it.

Got it?

Kostyan,

...relax.

They have made peace.

Look, they're sitting in the kitchen,
drinking tea.

Are you stupid?

It was my favorite mug.

Kostik gave it to me as a gift.

The mug got broken,

Nastya, it costs 100 rubles.
I will give you a new one.

Kostya, it's not about the mug.

Mmm... It smells delicious.

Nastya, have you cooked soup?

When she was opening the microwave,

she threw my mug off on purpose.

You saw that
I was heating up Max's food,

so why did you put it there?

I'm not hungry.

And me? I'm hungry!
Let's sit down and eat.

Or maybe I have always
put my mug here.

And now your microwave
has turned up.

And you are exposing us
to radiation!

Then don't use our microwave.

And I haven't used it.

I don't need anything
that belongs to you.

That's it, you got it.

This is my pot.

Yes?

Hello, Victor Petrovich.

How's your health?

Did you get it?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Because my whole bed is in crumbs.

It's mom's.

How are things in the kitchen?

Did you manage to make peace

between Brad Galkin and Maxim Pitt?

Are you nuts?

Total dumbass?

What? What?

Actually, I had only one effective way.

W-w-which one?

You see, Leva...

to be a real Chef,

you have to be a real asshole.

And it's not easy
to be an asshole, Leva.

Okay, go to work.

How are you feeling?

Great.

Just a bit sleepy.

I think I'll finish vacuuming
and go to sleep.

Okay, but before...

let's check your blood pressure.

Fedya...

tell me, are you an idiot?

What are you doing?

A guest just yelled at me.

- Why?
- Well, I don't know, look why...

I have nothing to do with this,

it's this moron Senya.

No, it's a new recipe from Fedya.

Fish is roasted right in the mouth.

I don't care
which one of you gibbons did it.

You've made a circus here
in the kitchen,

and I'm there in the dining-hall,
have to pay for it.

Don't mind her.

She's trying
to make her way everywhere.

She thinks she's the boss.

What?

Here we go.

The pressure's back to normal.

So have a rest.

If there was Chef in the kitchen,

you'd be working and not goofing off.

Everybody's working here

except for these two idiots.

Hey, faggot!

Who did you call an idiot?

What are you doing
in the kitchen anyway?

Get out of here, you chicken!

- What?
- Watch your words.

Don't meddle with adult conversations!

Understood, chicken-butt?

So I understand we can't work
without Chief, can we?

Alright.

You'll get Chef.

So, both of you...

are working without weekends this month.

Is that clear?

And everybody else loses
their monthly bonus.

Quickly clean up this mess.

And in half an hour,
all orders must be ready.

Is that clear?

Stinky morons.

Kostyan...

I have one more idea.

No, I've had enough of your ideas.

We still haven't finished cleaning up

after your last idea.

Seriously? Are you accusing me now,
or what?

Of course, and who else?

You and your skinner.

What? You keep an eye
on your woman.

Look, her brains have melted already

because she eats only vegetables.

I didn't get it?

What didn't you get?

- Maybe you want to go out and discuss?
- Easily.

Stop!

Get yourself cleaned up quickly

and go to the dining-hall

before guests run away
to the neighbouring restaurant.

Tell me...

Aren't you ashamed?

Oh, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

I just...

I feel bad.

Again?

A second time, huh?

I thought you'd come up
with something more original.

Wow.

190 over 120.

You need to go back to your room.

So, what's up?

He doesn't answer either.

Oh, come on. They're all right.

I hope so.

Max...

Kostya...

Where have you been?

What happened to you?

Nothing.

Did you fight because of us?

Well, we had a fight,

but what's the big deal?
Everything is fine now.

Let's go drink tea.

Yes, let's go.

Take your clothes off
and we'll prepare everything.

Yeah.

What a delicious cake.

For a special occasion like this,

we have something saved.

You are my savior.

Kostya, do you have any pain?

My broken arm.

Kostyan, you're such a moron.

I think I figured out
for who was this show.

That was a great plan.

Almost worked.

Jerks...what else to say?

You wanted to laugh
at two silly girls, right?

We meant good.

Yeah, what's good for you...

And to blame us in the end, right?

Very manly.

Great, well done.

Interfering in someone else's argument,

you always risk losing yourself.

You can win
someone else's argument one way

only by sacrificing yourself.

And in an argument with yourself,

you have very few chances at all.

Very few, but there are still some.

And sometimes you win,

without noticing it yourself.

You just need to...

be able to see this moment.

Oh, Rodion Sergeyevich.

Tell me...

which one of these two
is more popular in Russia?

I'm sorry,

but I don't know
these two young ladies.