Kongen befaler (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Palvaaksii malaksij - full transcript

A hearty welcome to Kongen Befaler.

The program where I give some of Norway's foremost comedians-

- challenging tasks, which they must
solve to the best or worst of their ability.

The overall winner after ten programs
gets a bust of gold from me.

First, of course, we will introduce the gang to the fire.

Welcome: Vegard Ylvisåker!

Maria Stavang.

Bård Ylvisåker.

Siri Kristiansen.

And Calle Hellevang-Larsen!

Welcome, everyone.



By my side, as always,
Olli Wermskog.

You're not making much of a difference.
Not today either, hopefully.

But you should tell us what the first task is.

-It's your job.
-Yes, I'm here to do-

the job you ask me for.

You have asked the participants to bring something
they want to include in today's prize pool, -

-which the winner of tonight's program gets to share and own.

What is the theme today?

I asked the participants to bring something they didn't think they needed,

but they now love.

Should we start? We start with Bård.

-What do you bring?
-A boring thing.

But it meets the requirements.

I never thought I'd feel like-



-a stupid thing like a dandelion picker.

-I have two at home.
-Yes, because it's not so stupid!

That's it because it doesn't work.

- Yes, yes. Then you make it wrong.
-No.

It does not include enough of the root.
It works one out of ten times.

These are the times I do it.

Great. Get started there.

Then let's go to ... Who should we take?
Shall we take Vegard?

Let's see...
It's this thing here.

- Oh yes, one, yes?
-Yes, it's like that.

-Do you wrap a grand piano with it?
-No, it's a portable sauna.

I got it for my last birthday,
for my 30th birthday.

- That's how you see Donald Duck.
-You can say that.

Did this create a need for you?

Yes, because this allows you to extend the bathing season a bit.

You just bring a coil with extension cord.

Two extension cords.

I imagine people sunbathing on the beach,

and there you are.

Not on the beach, but ...

It will probably delight many.

- Now the smell has grown up here.
- "It's me, baby."

We go to Maria. What are you up to?

I have with me something
that has changed my life.

Is it alcohol?

Ai, ai, ai.

It gets too violent.

This one I got for my mom and dad's birthday.

-Is it true?
-Yes.

What is fun about it is that
many people take it in the pan.

- Do many people do that?
-Me too.

- Like a unicorn?
-Yes, it's fun and "guys mood".

But people do not know that there is a vacuum,
so you get a suction mark in the pan.

So everyone who goes home from me
goes around with a very sucking mark.

You got it from your mother
and father. Can I greet them?

-No, they're in jail.
-In fact.

Here things have happened.
Yes ... Next ...

Siri, what are you up to?

I have something that only me and Maria need.

This is a towel turban.

I use it every time I shower.

Then I take it behind like that,
spin it, with the hair inside, -

and fasten at the back instead
of using an extra towel on this.

I use it then ...

I use it three or four times a week.

Today there is no reason to win.

It is not.

There are no reasons to win.

-Look at the shit you brought.
- It's rubbish!

This is not the dream pot.

-I hope Calle has a car.
-How can you improve the pot?

I brought an outdoor drying rack with me.

- It's great.
- There, yes.

- It's totally ...
-Yes, yeah, yeah.

You can enjoy yourself while the birds
chirp and hang up some clothes.

It says something about the level
here when this is today's winner.

Is it?

I have decided that this is today's winner.

The only reason he wins,

is that it's so unmanageable to come here.

You have added a little to this
task, because it is controlled.

It was nice to sit on the
train with this one, too.

You get second place since it
came from your mom and dad.

We place the sauna in third place.

The dandelion is fine enough,
but second to last.

That's because I have two and don't think
they seem to be anything special.

What should we do, Siri?

There is only one position left.
Which is it?

Yes, it's last place!

Now you have distributed the points.
We can look at the leaderboard.

- Calle is the leader.
- Impossible to see behind the drying rack.

Wait a minute, we can knock it down.

Oi!

Today's winner.

Fantastic. Then you just have to embark
on more problem solving.

Today we start with a more
complicated brain activity-

-which requires a little extra gray matter
for the participants. What do you think?

Yes, we have a classic task where
you have to think outside the box.

First and foremost because the
task involves a box, thinking-

and standing outside the box.

Be careful with your puns.

Be careful.

-Hi.
-Hi.

"Put this triangle block
in the box through the hole."

"Fastest wins. Time starts now."
Okay. Through the hole?

Which hole?

Oh yes. It doesn't work.

It can't go.

"... in the box through the hole."

The task is simple.
Participants have a large green brick

and it's going into a box
with a small hole.

-I look forward.
-So good.

- Should we start with Calle?
-Yes!

True? So...

The best thing would have been to
cut this into smaller triangles, -

-in one way or another.

Yes, that's what needs to be done.
One there, and one there.

There is a lot of thinking.
A lot of planning.

Just turn it off for those of
you watching. This is boring to watch.

I don't care if you turn it off.
I really don't care.

Like that. Then you get four squares
that fit right into that hole.

Do we have a bad guy?

Finished.

Was there another way to do it?

I can tell how long he spent.
14 minutes and 56 seconds.

-Very good!
-Yes, it remains to be seen.

You are basically around a block away
in all the tasks you solve. You're even.

Whether it is good or bad we will see now.

Here is Bård,
Maria and Siri's solutions.

It's stuck.

I'll take a closer look at this one.
It looks like it's completely glued.

It cannot be made smaller.

A massive case, this.
Is it completely massive?

I rather try it.

Is this an automatic circular saw?

The thing is ... Ahh, a spider!

I've never tried one like this before.
Then I'll ... Oi! Okay.

If I now ...

I am unable to provide cheerful comments.

I get stung damn at the task.

"Do you want to join a program?
It's going to be cool."

"Yes, cool to join it, Atle Antonsen."

Shitty guy.

I'm probably lying last.

I'm probably doing it wrong,
and then it's a fun solution.

"You could just take off the lid.
It's not a problem. "

Now I realize how frustrating this was
when you were two years old.

The parents stood and said:
"Yes, are you going to put it up there?"

I don't make it with my
mental capacity. Ok?

Only thing I have is aggression.

Atle Antonsen! A meat!

"Dad's getting a little late, because he has to
go to the Vinmonopolet and buy everything they have."

I'll stop the time.

If Maria Stavang, a neat and cute
little girl of 14.5 years, -

-do this task faster than me, then
I have to move to another country.

Finished.

That was all!

I notice you shouldn't smoke -

-because you hadn't got the
last tiles up there.

I was so damned.

It was supposed to be a mental task,

- but most people solved it
with sledge and ax.

Do you solve crossword puzzles
with skewer?

If there is a smart solution,
I don't know how to react.

I can reveal as much as the
block was bigger than the hole.

- It was, yes?
- "But the hole will not be ..."

It would have been sad to
see that it wasn't right.

Let's go to the points.

Siri, you solved it in four minutes.
Better than a quarter.

-Everyone has solved the task.
-Yes.

Maria, aged 14, solved it in
3 minutes and 20 seconds.

-Bard, how long did you spend?
-I think everyone is great.

You spent 28 minutes.

Yes.

-Very good.
-Okay.

-Oh my God.
-Oh my God.

- It was a solid workout.
-I had been hurting my body for weeks.

I think 28 rolls up as the funniest
number so far in the series.

They haven't shown yours. You become complacent.
"When I was in the military ..."

-It's coming now, so you have to keep quiet.
- Let's see, Vegard. It is your turn.

Okay. I just have to make the hole bigger.

Thanks.

-Goodbye.
-Hi.

It wasn't bad.

It seems like you chose the
same method as the others -

- but you made it much better.
-But much lower entertainment value.

Yes, I'm disappointed that
I didn't come along ...

I had a lot of comments,
but didn't get the time.

- You went to win.
-Yes.

-Is this the right solution?
-When is a hole a hole?

"Get the block through this hole".
There is another hole.

It is the same as when you have
a baby in your stomach.

The stomach gets much bigger,
but it's the same stomach.

-Yes...
-Have you thought about it?

-No no no...
- The same goes for the hole.

-It's also getting a lot bigger.
-It's really too small, after all.

The time for Vegard is 57 seconds.
You are the clear winner.

If we get up the scoreboard,

-we can see that there is shared
leadership between Vegard and Maria.

-Yes, it's not bad.
-See. That's me.

Very good.

It's pretty even.
Now we are going back to my garden.

We will.
Now it's your daughter's birthday.

No, so cozy.

-Hello, welcome.
-Happy Birthday.

You're welcome.

Yes!

-Is it my birthday?
-I see this is the dream.

Say I should eat,
say I should eat everything.

"Atle's daughter has a birthday, but Atle has
probably covered on the wrong table."

"It's so unlikely."

"Move the food and drink to the cups
and the dishes on the other table. "

You have to be on the
other side of the fence."

"The birthday begins in ten minutes.
You don't want to disappoint the girl."

All this to be over in ten minutes?

What?

Can I ask, Calle, was it completely
impossible to understand the task?

Yes...

It just went around the cardboard on you?

-Simply. It blackened for me.
- It'll be exciting to see.

Who should start?
Or should we run advertising first?

Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.
It is time for birthday celebrations.

You have covered on the wrong table
for your daughter's birthday.

Fortunately, these five party fixers
have the opportunity

-to save the whole party by moving the food
from the wrong to the right table.

But they are not allowed to cross the fence.

- Should we start with Vegard and Maria?
-Good idea.

-What are you doing?
-I do not know.

I have to say that I'm a little lost.

-Raspberry?
-Do you kiss the jelly?

Yes.

The whole dish, then?

No more ...
I have no idea what I'm doing.

It was a good cake.

It was vanilla sauce, not water.

-Is it with sugar?
-Yes.

I spend all this time on this.
There is no doubt about that.

Come on! A bit faster now.

Now I was tired!

It's a puff pastry.

I knew it.

No one else can do this.

Four, three, two, one.

And there!

Yes, now it is running.
But this goes very late.

It wasn't too bad.
How long is it left?

-18 seconds.
-Okay, then it becomes an emergency solution.

-Oh, one ...
-Yes!

-Time's up.
- I'm pretty happy.

- Satisfied with this?
-Satisfied with this.

-Thank you.
- Should I go?

- Unless you want to stand there.
-It's a whole chocolate cake again.

- It's not yours.
-No. That's OK.

I've never witnessed two such different
methods in the same video.

It's Reodor Felgen against Pippi Longstocking.

You seem to be distracted if there is food involved.

All my life I've been like that.

You do not go to solve the task,
but to get the food.

- I saw the buffet. No birthday.
-No.

It was not spotlessly resolved.

- You have smart solutions, Vegard.
- Thanks, but it went late.

It went late, yes! It did.

Let's look at the next party fixer.
Calle.

Then you have to enter the garage.
A moment.

- What are you doing, Calle?
- I'll just fix something.

How far is it?
It is very far.

-We have a short time on this task.
-Yes.

I think so.

I'm pretty disappointed in myself now.

Not long enough. I just wanted to check
that it wasn't long enough.

I can't think of it now.

It's going to go just fine.

It's going to be heavy towards the end.

Like that.

You have 20 seconds to do
something about the gel.

It must be a quick operation.

-Yes!
-Time! Let go of everything you have.

- Should I just go?
-Yes.

Is there anything in hindsight that you
would say you could have done better?

-Everything.
-Yes, but that's something.

Let's see how Siri and Bård
have solved it.

-Can you go the other way?
-Yes, but I don't.

- I have to stand here, but you?
-Anywhere.

-You can go away with things.
-No.

No? You can just say no?

If I get the fence loose,
can I move it?

-No.
-No.

So is it not allowed to move
the table or fence?

- I didn't say that.
-Yes, that's exactly what you said.

-What do you think?
-I want the table to come here.

Come on!

There must be some ...
I have to have that table here.

It doesn't help talking to the table or you.

Yes!

Hello. Were you so good
at getting to Dad?

The time is running.

It's not going!

Is this long enough to
reach the table?

Yes, Siri!

Why didn't you do it right away?

Like that.

Atle's daughter should never
know anything about this.

So crooked the table was not in place.

I have to win this.

-Satisfied?
- I'm pretty happy.

It called four people and
said they had got sick, -

so they won't come. We make it just
fine for those who come.

There will be more cake on them.

-Time.
-What? No, is it true?

I could have another minute,
so I got carried over the cake.

-That's how it is.
-It doesn't look too bad, then.

My 29 year old daughter will
probably be happy about this.

I'm surprised no one ate anything.

- We ate before we came.
- We have food at home.

What to say if we are to award points?

You chose the same tactics,
you and Bård.

Not exactly done, maybe.

It will be last place, Siri.
I'm sorry. It must be said.

Otherwise, it's difficult.
It's a fucking ass.

-Thanks.
-Calle, you get the last one.

-Yes, great.
-You're welcome.

You appreciate it.

It will be the worst of you two,
Vegard in third.

It is even at the top, and the reason
why it does so on Maria's part-

-is just the pleasure of the cake
that she managed to meet.

You have so much joy.
You are probably not used to success.

Just enjoy!

Isn't it wonderful to do something so
unsuccessful and end up in second place?

Imagine gaining mastery of it.

-But the winner is Bård!
-Yes!

-Yes.
-Thank you for coming.

-Siri.
-Questions.

Can you ask your daughter if she wants
some Non Stop that no one has touched-

or juice that someone has spit over a fence?

-If she has to celebrate a birthday.
-I hung up my cake.

There was so little that was successful.

Then we must take the small
victories that exist.

There have been varied tasks today,
but too little discomfort.

Too little pain.
That's what I like to see.

I've noticed it on you, so it's getting
more discomfort and pain now.

What exciting thing have you
come up with today?

"Don't blink.
Time starts in 30 seconds. "

"Don't blink.
Time starts in 30 seconds. "

"Don't blink.
Time starts in 30 seconds. "

Calle can probably fool the body.

I think he has a body that does not
listen to what is normal.

-Pardon.
- Was that me?

Here it is important to do the
longest without blinking.

Simple and easy, some might say.

Siri had great faith in Calle.

Maybe we should start with Calle?
-Why not?

- Ten seconds.
-What function has blinking?

It's moisturizing, after all.
Can you get water and a spray bottle?

-Can you get it?
-Oh, one ...

There.

It is important to save as
much energy as possible.

Is there some half-blinking going on?
It's just one eye.

I can't control this.

Is this strange?
That's just that eye, right?

You've blinked.

It doesn't matter if it's one eye or both.

How long did I spend?

-How do you think you did it?
-Awful.

I think Siri is the best person to blink.

-Best?
- No, not to.

She has always struck me as a psychopath.

It was fun.

It's fun to see how much faith you have in each other.

Is there a hidden compliment here?

-Calle, it didn't last for hours.
- Not for minutes either.

No, not for minutes ...
You can't.

I can't do it.

- Have you tried it before?
-Never.

Did you hope you didn't blink
when you were like that?

Why didn't you quit?

It felt like I wasn't blinking.
I can see now that I blinked.

Had you used your eye to see, you would
have seen it become dark and bright.

No, I blinked so fast.

-He blinks faster than the light.
-Yes, that's right.

- Should we see if Siri is a psychopath?
-Yes, I think we should.

Three, two, one. You're welcome.

Sometimes you blink without knowing it.

One must not at least laugh.

No!

The body does it by itself.
It's no use talking to it.

- Can we do it again?
-No.

Siri is not a psychopath,
but one in this gang must be.

There is no doubt about that.
Here are psychopaths. I'm sure.

Should we wait a bit with the others?
Yes, we should see some advertising first.

Welcome back. We will continue
with the task "Do not blink".

-We'll see the last three?
-Yes, it's Vegard, Bård and Maria.

Six, seven, eight, nine!

Is it legal?

What is the definition in no time?
Is it that they meet or can you ...

Are you with?

No one else could have
come up with this technique?

If I do that, I feel like I'm blinking.

It will be an Ivo Caprino drive.

"It's not too bad then."
"Just drop the blink, say."

-You are Finnish?
-Yes.

- So you speak Finnish?
-Yes.

I have the belief that I'll be able to
speak pretty good fake-Finnish.

(Conversation in fake-Finnish)

-The last was a Finnish word.
-Was it?

-What was that?
-Christmas.

Now I'm starting to look double.
And then I'm a little nauseous.

This is a meta task. It's not
about keeping your eyes open.

It's all about giving.

I'm sitting here. The mind goes.
Self-hatred is starting to come.

"Eat you."

I need nothing today or tomorrow.
No one is waiting for me.

Hey, how long is it until
I have to be there?

- It starts at 17.45.
-Okay.

- But okay. Good bye.
-Good bye.

Then it was all right.

"Dad couldn't come to your show.
He's at work."

"I know this is the first time you will
be performing on a stage, but ..."

I know now that it's starting
to burn a little.

Everyone is going to have something.

-You need something today, right?
-Yes.

-How long shall I continue?
-Up to you.

Yeah, I'm just trying to make
some kind of deal here.

Yes, you get no goodwill from me.

No...

Should we see what happens
if I let go of my hands?

I think I do.

I am a natural talent after all.
The world's most boring party trick.

"Don't you want to see me
blink for 20 minutes?"

I have to go home to make
dinner at some point.

There was the psychopath, yes.
It was not just one, but three.

It was true that my son was having
his first hip hop performance.

So I felt it.
"Shall I stand here much longer now?"

Speaking of which.
Siri and Calle?

I think we got the best out of this task.

Humanly speaking, maybe.

-But it's not over yet.
-No.

You've been going for 20
scary minutes so far.

Let's jump in 21 minutes
and see what happens.

I think I'm giving up.
I'm not bothering anymore.

It will be too easy. One two three.

I can not be bothered. I have to go to Kolbotn.
Sorry.

Yes, things have happened.

Sometimes you just have to
think about the family.

When are the people to be picked up?
He can go home himself.

They have to find some slices.

- Didn't you blink in an hour?
-No.

- Is that competition so close?
-No.

But I do not bother to be
just worse than anyone.

Then I'll leave.

(Fake-Finnish)

My problem now is that
there is zero stress.

It does not cost me a calorie other than the fact
that it is indescribably boring.

I have to go now, without wanting to give up.

Can I get a small camera
and then we keep filming?

-Hi.
-Hi.

- Did I pay?
-Yes.

Do you want a receipt?
-No.

Thanks.

As ladies and gentlemen, I am at my house-

and must continue the day. I don't
know how much time I've spent -

- but I think it's longer
than the ten minutes I planned.

If this isn't good enough to win,
I'm just as sorry -

- as it looks like I am.

That, I am not.
I'm really happy,

-but my eyes are broken
due to this stupid task!

Thank you. Good weekend.
Here comes the blink.

How long did he stay?

Maria came in third with
21 minutes and 42 seconds.

Vegard finished second with 37 minutes.

-It is a long time!
-Completely wild.

Bård said:
"As long as I'm not exactly losing."

You managed it with
2 hours and 47 minutes.

It's madness!

After all, it is bizarre to have to praise
someone for something like that.

After all, it must be a diagnosis.

I got a little curious for my own part.

There must be something wrong.

It wasn't wrong, but the next
day it went wrong.

I looked twice at both eyes
for a day and a half.

I opened one eye the next day
and saw double.

I thought, "It's impossible."

And then I opened the other one
and then quadrupled.

Agreed that you spent 2 hours and
10 minutes more than needed.

I feel in a weird way that I won,
but came out badly.

It gave you five points in this task.

We can see the aggregate
position after four tasks.

I suspect it is quite shared.

As always, the last task happens
here in the studio.

Get on stage!

There you stand and are ready.
You have tomatoes in front of you-

and chef hats on your head.

You get 30 seconds to get as
many tomatoes as possible

to land on the hat.

-Our own?
-Yes.

If you throw it in someone else's hat,
they get points.

If you feel like it, please.

- Is it okay to take off your hat?
- No, the hat must be on all the time.

Thanks for the question.

Ready? Three, two, one!

Look here, yes.

Look here.
There are tactics used.

Oi!

Damn!

It's been ten seconds.

Look there, yes. There are ten seconds left.

Five, four, three, two, one!

This went astonishingly well
for many of you.

Keep your hats on and sit down.
Then we will announce a winner.

Then you can start emptying the hats.

Let's start with you, Calle.
Bend forward so we can see.

Let them roll out on the floor.

-One two Three. Three pieces.
Ol!

Siri!

-Is it? Is it zero?
-I think so.

- You think so?
- It looks like this.

Bard!

There was only one, yes.
Well well. Okay. Maria?

Let's see.

There, yes! Oi! Four!

Four. We have a new leader.

And then Vegard. Get to see it in the end.

-Zero!
- This is exciting.

Indeed, it is. It is...

-One two three four five! Whoa!
-No!

-No!
- Five points!

We congratulate Vegard on the victory.

You go home with things
you didn't know you needed,

- but now you will love that you have them.
Go sniff your prizes.

This is the list of four programs, -

- but there are many tasks left.

Nothing is settled here.
See you next week.