Klovn (2005–2021): Season 8, Episode 3 - Min bedste ven - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
- It's tight. - Yes, it has it to be.

Yes, yes. It needs to be be aerodynamic.

Wow. Come into the light so I can see you.

Shut up! It's the bicycle mosquito Egon!

I think you should take off your undershirt.

Now you have to choose a bike. Kim!

This is Frank. It's Kim who works here.
Frank's just getting started.

- I'm thinking about this one.
- Yes. It's just come in.

We agree. That's the coolest thing
you have, right?

I would say that.

- What does it cost? - 74.



- Okay. Perfect.
- 7400?

- 74 000. - 74 000. Yes.

You have to look good.

You're my best friend. People need to be
able to see that we're good friends.

- Best friend. - You are my best friend.

- Back in primary school maybe.
- And now too, it's noble and beautiful.

We're best friends. Say it out loud.

- Say it first.
- You are my best friend.

- You're mine too.
- High five.

- Let's buy some bikes. Hey?
- Yes, yes.

- Buy it!
- We'll take it!

Shut up, how cool is that!
Kim, we have to finalise things.

As you can see ...
Strawberry shortcake. Creme top.

Flowers. I've taken care of it all.
Susan should not do anything.



Yes, yes. He's on his best behaviour.

Is he in training?

- No. He has a bad conscience.
- But, but.

- You've always had that.
- I don't know right now.

Michael was almost unfaithful to me.
I put a lure on him.

I've not been with anyone.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm standing at a bar.

A younger woman emerges. We have a little
chat. Then she leaves.

We exchanged numbers and she's texting.

I tell her that I'm married.
So there's nothing doing.

- Richard the Lionheart.
- You can stop with that.

It was an left open because you texted
and invited her to something.

That's just the way it is.

- Did you pay her for it?
- Yes.

It's not very fair you putting
something right under his nose.

I won't comment on that.

It's not nothing, you're miserable.
If there's someone fair, it's Carøe.

We will probably not agree.

You can't get anything out of it without
someone being miserable.

I don't think Susan is miserable.
She's a strong, brave woman.

- Good, you shouldn't think about it.
- I feel sorry for you.

You're my best friend.

That's what you have best friends for.
You have a relationship of trust.

The stupidest thing then was that he said
that Fnug was his best friend.

What was that about?
I didn't really understand that.

You can't be friends with your wife.

I think you can.

I don't understand what you mean.

I think I'm your best friend.

No ... Casper is my best friend.

We talked about that today
down at the bike shop.

- Yeah.
- You're also a good friend.

- Are you angry about it now?
- I' going to sleep.

You can only be best friends with someone
of the same sex. It's an old rule.

- What were you looking at?
- What?

You turned off the computer. Is there
something I shouldn't see?

- No, no of course not.
- Were you looking at naughty ladies?

- Hello.
- He masturbates.

- No.
- What are you doing?

- I caught him in the act.
- Are you sitting there pulling the troll?

- No.
- Is it a foreplay?

You collect fantasies in your head
and take them to the toilet.

- No.
- What are you playing with your cock for?

- It doesn't matter.
- Just watch out next time.

We just need to see what you're
watching. History. Let us see.

Now now now.

It's a diving course. I didn't have
time to read it during the weekend.

- I'm going to class tomorrow.
- Yeh, yeh, yeh.

We'll order lunch immediately
so it arrives on time.

Two salads. Number 14 for me.
Frank will have a number 17.

It's crazy about Carøe.
It's unbelievable.

He's just not experienced.

I'm never tempted and you're in a
different situation.

- You can damn well be attracted.
- Not anymore. I've gone all-in.

I have a good mistress.

- A mistress?
- That's where I put it.

It's never something that I can't
control. A 50-year-old woman.

- And she shouldn't have children.
- And you have one?

Hitting one at 25 is too dangerous.
50. You have control over it.

- Did you order the salad?
- What?

- Did you order the salad?
- 14 and 17.

You didn't order any salad.

We just ordered ...
What are you doing?

I'm equalizing the pressure.
In connection with diving.

When I dive, I have to equalize
the pressure.

- Were you equalizing the pressure
when we ordered?
- So you ordered salad or what?

He didn't make the order. We'll go ourselves.

- You're going to the book reception.
- Yes. For Lars.

Yes Yes. We don't care.

- He's being stupid.
- Without really being naughty.

Dejan!

Hi, Casper.

- Hello.
- Hey, Frank.

- Good day.
- How nice.

- Nice to see you. Do you want to sit?
- I'd like that.

- It is okay?
- Yes of course.

We were just talking about Carøe
being a little stupid.

Again? With what?

His wife has set up a bait on him to which
he has sent a few text messages.

- It's not completely unusual.
- I've also tried it.

- With ...
- A bait.

- You don't say.
- I discovered it immediately.

There was something wrong. It was very clear -

- but I just let her work on it a little.

She was a cute little thing.
It was hard to stop it.

You must. Finally I said:

"I'm sure there are many who will
fuck you, but not me."

"Stop wiggling your nice little ass."

"I'm married and have children.
It's over for me."

Okay. Cool.

Can I order two bottles of Sancerre?

No. We are going to Lars Hjortshøj's
book reception.

- I should too.
- Are you? It's in an hour.

Just let me ...
Just give me two minutes.

- You're welcome to get us out of it.
- Don't upset him though.

- No. Obviously not.
- It means a lot to him.

Hello Lars.

Hey. Are you nervous? You shouldn't be.

I'm sitting here with Frank and Casper.
We are in Stockholm.

I'll tell you that when we get there.

Our flight leaves in ten minutes,
so we'll be 20 minutes late.

- Okay? See you later.
- What was that about, Dejan.

In half an hour I'll say the plane is late.

And then maybe I'll do it again.

I give him hope, and then I say, "We can't make it."

Then you've told him that you're
sorry and are on your way.

- It's a good trick.
- It's a Dejan.

Is it called a Dejan? The trick is called a Dejan!

No no no!

- No!
- Miracles are happening now!

Hi.

Honey?

Yes.

What are you doing here? You should have
been at the book reception by now.

I'm not going to it.

I shared a bottle of wine with
Dejan Cukic and Casper.

Hi.

- Hello.
- My name is Helle.

- You must be Frank.
- Yes. Hello there.

Helle is replacing Mette down at the tea shop.

It ... You have everything.

- It was nice to meet you, Frank.
- Yes. Bye.

- I'll call you, Helle.
- Super good.

Drive home safely. Bye.

- I didn't know that Mette's finishing.
- No.

No, you haven't, because we are not best friends.

Just say it. "You are my best friend."
Like I did with Fnug.

- It's a lie.
- Yes it is.

If you don't have the lie as a retaining wall,
then the marriage smokes.

- You have to learn that.
- I tried to be honest.

And see where you are now. Big problem.

I don't know about Mia. I think she hired a decoy.

Huh.

A really sweet, sweet girl.
She's employed in the tea shop.

- It's a decoy.
- Do you think?

I know that, Frank.

I'm honest and say we're not best friends.

- And then she exposes me to this.
- What does it say about your strategy?

- Shall we ride?
- Yes.

I'm unfit.

- It's good.
- Now we move!

See you, Frank.

Where are you going?

Here.

- Aren't we riding that way?
- You can ride by yourself.

- We're not riding together?
- Frank. I'm going to see Anne.

- Anne?
- Yes. My mistress.

She lives in here. I'm going in there now.

I'll come out in an hour and then we'll go home.

Are we just cycling together because you
need an alibi?

Why do you think all men who run every
weekend don't lose any weight?

Do you have any idea?

Could it be because they cycle
50 meters and have a break?

I just bought a bike for 74,000.

I didn't think that you're actually
interested in cycling.

- I think it's boring.
- So you just leave me to cycle alone.

You have to wait for me.
Stay warm by cycling.

- It was a best friend project.
- Let's let go of that best friend thing.

It doesn't mean anything.

- Hello.
- Hi, honey. Hello Hello.

This is Frank who I've told you about.

Go take a look at nature. He loves nature.

- I'm just driving home.
- No, no. You're waiting for me.

- It's the guy code.
- Guy code?

- What's guy code?
- Guy code's a guy code.

We're going in. Go down and see if
there are any ducks.

Sorry. I just needed to get some
towels for the store.

- Did Mia send you?
- Yes.

I didn't know you were in the shower.

Yes I understand. I just want to say ...

You are super gorgeous and most men
will probably fuck you but not me.

I'm finishing this. I am happily married
and have a wonderful wife.

You can wiggle your naughty butt as much
as you want. I won't bite the hook.

Okay.

I think maybe just ...

I'm just leaving I think.

- Hey darling.
- Hi.

Tell me ... Did you tell Helle
that all men want to fuck her?

Yes I did. Have you talked to her?

Yes. I just wanted to see if that's
what you said.

It's not nice to say such a thing
to a young girl.

She's about to report you now.

- Is she not a decoy?
- A decoy?

No! I sent her home to get towels!

I just hired her, but now she's resigned.

I said stuff to her that's really a compliment.

- You said she has a naughty ass!
- She has.

- Why is she get angry about it?
- Go ask her yourself.

- What the hell should I say?
- Work it out yourself!

I don't know what I did wrong anyway.

I've been thinking about something.

And.

You're my best friend.
What do you think?

Do you mean it or is it something you just say?

It's something I mean.

You're a wonderful wife who is also my soulmate.

Thanks.

I'm a damn good friend of Casper.

- He's never been my best friend.
- No. He takes advantage of you.

- He has a deal.
- Has he?

Yes, he has. It's quiet, quiet.

- Yeah.
- A lady named Anne.

- He drives up there once a week.
- No.

- You should make some new friends.
- Yes.

How about, Dejan?

He seems so sympathetic on TV.

I wish we were friends with him.

- I'll check with him.
- Say we want to travel with them.

- Dejan and wife with Mia and Frank?
- Yes.

Are you going on a friend trip? Stupid, that I
didn't say you were my best friend.

Yes. You should have just done that.

- He says yes!
- Okay.

He's having dinner with us!

New friends.

Bo, hey listen ...

Bo.

- Bo. Hello.
- Did you say something?

I asked you to brew coffee. You can't hear shit.

- What are you saying?
- Pressure equalization is a sign of weakness.

- Only weak people equalize the pressure.
- Then I can't hear anything.

Stop the diving course.

You can't be in the water and at the
same time have a regular job.

No one can be in the water and at
the same time in a job.

Jacques Cousteau. That was his job.
By the way, he didn't equalize.

I can't.

You know what? If you can hear me, wave.

Thanks. Take your jacket and go home.
I just can't do this.

Calm down. You'll get paid.

I shouldn't find myself here where
pressure equalizes me in the face.

I don't need it.

I don't understand.

- You're in a bad mood.
- You know why.

Not a little, you're in a bad mood.

Why? You are the one who has failed.

You let me stand and freeze at Bagsværdsjön.

It's guy code. Now you have to stop.

Had I been, I would have died of frost.

I couldn't get home! I had to
cycle 25 kilometers.

- That's why you got the bike. - I was vomiting.

I had both a pain in my ass and cock.

"What have you done?" asks Fnug.
"I smoked down at the bar."

- Hey, Mia. What is she doing here?
- Hello Darling. I was right nearby.

You just jumped out of a lager cake.

- Have you got a cup of coffee?
- Yes Yes.

- What do you want?
- You know what I want.

In fact, I don't. How is it?

- With or without milk?
- Lite.

A hit, as my grandmother said.

You aren't out cycling today.

No. Apparently I'm sitting in front of a computer.

That's something I'm doing with Frank this weekend.

So you can get out of being at home?

- Does Fnug know that you ride a bike?
- Yes.

I said it right away.

But ... The coffee is coming.

So ... You can sit here, Frank.

- What?
- I'm going home.

The bicycle mosquito Casper now walks
out the door with quick steps -

- and must get on the bike.

- You can't mention his mistress.
- I didn't do that.

- I didn't say it directly.
- You don't gossip about your best friend.

- I thought I was your best friend.
- You are, but ...

- Yes. It's a violation of the guy code.
- What's that?

I don't know, but you broke it.

Dejan here. I'm over there. That's my chair.

- I want to sit next to Dejan.
- Well. Mia here.

- Karina there.
- It is good.

- Dejan called. They're looking forward to it.
- Good. Super.

- Did he call on my phone?
- Yes.

They are sitting at Arlanda Airport.
They were just about to board.

- Did he say that they are in Stockholm?
- Yes. They're just about to fly.

- What is it?
- Then they will not come.

Dejan makes a Dejan on us.
We did it to Lars reception.

- He's not in Stockholm.
- No.

He makes us think he's close to being here.

- Then we don't feel sorry for ourselves.
- It is not OK.

They're sitting somewhere with someone
they would rather be with.

- Here I've gone and looked forward to it.
- Do you put in the stove?

- Yes.
- Turn it off.

We'll go out to eat.

He has done it many times.
I'm glad I'm sitting with you.

And having fun. Five dishes of food.

We deserve it. It's been a long time. Here it comes.

It's somewhat mentally retarded with
al that "plane that is delayed."

Incredible. Think he has friends when
he does it over and over again?

- He may not have us either.
- "Hi, Frank. We have a present."

"We'll there in 10-15 minutes.
What's your house number?"

What?

- He's coming.
- Are they on their way now?

Then you should start your evening at Trädgården.

- Five dishes with wine menu.
- Can we ask for the bill?

You were so wrong.

I was convinced it was a Dejan.

He has made 1000 dejans.

- They aren't here.
- No.

It's good. Or they have been here.

- It's an SMS.
- What's it say?

"I'm sorry, but I've got stomach
poisoning from a crayfish salad."

"See you my friend."

No.

That's terrible

That's a lie, honey. He's done
a double Dejan.

There's an earthworm here.
These are good signs.

Hi.

- Kook, kook.
- Hello.

Mr. and Mrs Garden on there way.

- It's spring.
- Yes it is.

I'm thinking of tulip bulbs.
I would like some tomatoes.

- That's the idea anyway.
- Why are you here?

Yes so ...

Are you going to tell Fnug?
That thing with the bike ride.

No. As long...

As long as I'm Frank's best friend,
then probably no.

- Guy code applies there.
- Yes.

- We run guy code.
- I don't know what it means.

Nobody does. Enjoy the sun and each other.

- Bye, Casper.
- Mia and Frank, you're beautiful.

You can see right through his infidelities.

Just wait and see. I have a small plan.

- It's nice, right?
- Yes. Fresh air.

Yep.

- That's wonderful.
- Hey, boys?

Already.

- Are you out of breath, honey?
- Slow down!

I thought it was 90 kilometers you used to cycle.

- It's the pollen in the air.
- Yes.

Ah, fuck man!