Klovn (2005–2021): Season 8, Episode 1 - Spild af Pingus - full transcript

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Yes. I just have to find out ...

- Does it hurt here?
- No.

- Ow! Fuckin' hell!
- Okay.

- Pop your shoes and socks back on.
- Yes.

Frank, it's a classic heel spur.

- Is it serious?
- No.

But you need to sort it. That's the deal.

That's what bad shoes and being
overweight does.

- I'm not overweight.
- No.

But it's harder to maintain
than when you were 20.

Seriously, I'm in tip-top shape.



My suggestion is that you
go to the acupuncturist.

- So... a needle man?
- You can call him that.

Strange that a medical doctor
recommends an acupuncturist.

- Why?
- What's next? A clairvoyant?

No, that's not really something
that I'd want to do.

Okay. Then I have another suggestion.

These are specially built shoes for
people with heel spurs.

What do they cost?

- 10,000-12,000 a pair.
- 12,000 a pair?!

- Three zeros.
- What does the acupuncturist cost?

In Bali, I heard about a forgiveness ceremony.

It's fantastic. Just say what you've
done wrong and you get forgiven.

- How often do you do have to do that?
- Every new moon.

- Should we do it?
- Stop!



- Now what?
- What happened?

- Why don't we sit here for a while?
- We'll keep moving.

- Frank has a heel spur.
- You need to do something about it.

I've been to the doctor.
He recommended an acupuncturist.

That's a good idea.
I know a very good acupuncturist.

It's all a bit of a hocus pocus.

Well, you could at least try,
and not be so negative. Come on.

- Let's keep going.
- I can't walk, honey.

We'll pick you up on the way back then.

So just sit there and enjoy yourself.
Wait for me.

- Hello.
- Hey, Frank.

- It's Frank, right?
- Yep.

- I'm Kenneth. I'll be doing your treatment.
- Okay.

Welcome. Take off your coat and your shoes.

- Then we'll be ready.
- They're clean.

This is a philosophy we have here.
You have to take off your shoes.

Put them on the shelf.
Then we'll have a look. Is it the left?

- No right.
- Okay.

- I thought you'd be Asian.
- No.

- I'm pretty Caucasian.
- Yes, Yes. A white Bruce Lee.

- Ow. Is it over now?
- Put your head back. Breathe.

You need to lie here for 15 minutes.
Just let it work.

Yep.

- Good, Anders. Are you feeling better?
- Yes, very much.

How much is it? It's 500.

- Here. Cash. - There.

Thanks. That way we avoid the tax.

- Fun money.
- For sure.

- I'm done, Kenneth.
- Hey, Frank.

You should close the door.
I can hear that you get black money.

It's not illegal to pay in cash.

No. I will too.
I don't expect a receipt.

Just be aware. That's all I'm saying.

Close that door.

- Hello.
- Hey, Frank.

It's the same. It hasn't helped.

You know the acupuncturist
accepts black money.

Why would he do that.
That kind of thing is always found out.

I've got a secret account.
If I need any money, I have it.

- With black money?
- No, no.

With money that Fnug doesn't know about.
From Lene.

- Nyström?
- Yep. Aqua-Lene.

- I get maintenance. - You get maintenance?!

- Yep. It's brilliant.
- But don't let Fnug know.

No. Then it won't be a secret.

That could be what you say in
that forgiveness ceremony.

Then I'll need to go and say it every month.

I don't know how you do it.

You just have to come up with
a lie that's close to the truth.

"I met a pretty girl,
but then I thought of you, honey."

Forgiven. Done. Clean slate. New month.

Better?

- Let's have a little wine and have some fun.
- Did you invite guests?

- No. We can have some fun before you go.
- I don't have time for that.

I can't drink alcohol now
before I meet the boys.

Frank...
- I know how much I can stand.
- Come on. All that stress.

What's the bottle?

It's called Pingus.

You haven't opened a Flor de Pingus?!

- What is it?
- A bottle for 800 krone!

- I didn't know.
- Are you going to drink it now?

- We can put the plug back in.
- No, you can't, honey.

Once the plug is out,
oxygenation has begun.

Now we have 24 hours to drink it.

It's just annoying. I was saving it
for a special occasion.

I don't understand what's wrong
to want some fun on a Friday.

It's the best I've ever tasted.
What a disaster.

- So let's enjoy it.
- Fantastic aroma.

Damn, how good is it... Piss off!

They're texting. Tomorrow I'll be out of it.

You know what ...

Sleep in the guest room when
you get home, pissed as a fart.

This isn't the first time.

- There he is. - Hey man!

- Hello. - What happened?

- I have a heel spur.
- Why are you late?

My wife opened a bottle of bloody Pingus,
just before I walk out the door.

You've been enjoying yourself and
we are sitting here waiting.

- I didn't enjoy it at all.
- He's in front of us. We need to catch up.

- Can you not take that hat...
- Little Per has called.

Can we get four pitchers of what you suggest?

- Four of the good ones. - Look.
What the hell is going on over there?

They're influencers.
They make money from it.

They take a picture of an olive.
And they get several hundred kroner for it.

Can you take pictures of us?

- No. - Yes, come on!

It looks very good... the food.

- It's super good food.
- I didn't mean it that way.

Declaration of consent.

- It's so obvious.
- I want to be free from that.

- Bye, bye, Frank.
- We're catching up with you.

Oh, bullshit...
Hell, Mia.

Frank. Frank. You have to get up.

Susan's downstairs.
Carøe hasn't come home.

- He hasn't?
- No. Do you know where he is?

- No. - Come down.

- Hi Susan. - Hi Frank.
- Can you just put on pants?

- You said come straight down.
- When did you see Michael last night?

- I saw him at Toto.
- Do you know what may have happened?

Michael gets blackouts. I'm worried something has happened.

We're calling the police now.

No, no, honey, honey!
Let's just think.

Where the hell is Carøe?

- Casper isn't answering.
- I'll just call him.

Casper was pretty wasted.
He may not hear it.

I've slept with Casper. I know how he is.

- You're not 20 years old!
- Frank here. Susan is looking for Carøe.

We've got a little SOS here.

I'll give you the address.
Come right away. Alone.

So what? What is he saying?

- It's good news.
- What happened?

- He's at Casper's.
- No, thank God!

- I'll go and pick him up.
- I'm coming too.

No. Relax. We're coming back here.
Then we'll all eat brunch.

- Are you right to drive, Frank?
- Yes Yes. It has burned off.

I'll be back in a quarter of an hour.

- Why can't he take a taxi?
- Because there's a slight problem..

I won't overlook anything illegal.
We'll all be dragged into it.

We're fucking together, Frank!

Whether it is illegal or not.
Nobody gets left behind!

- I'm too old for this. Hi.
- What the hell now?

- Is Carøe here?
- Yeah, he's here.

- Hey. - It's a bit crappy.

- Are you okay? - It's a mess.

- It's completely unreasonable.
- It's not.

What's the problem?

Maria wants to post some pictures.
I've asked you not to do that.

- Hold it there. Are these nude photos?
- They are are not nude photos.

You have to say no to that.
He can't be in a strange apartment.

It's not my problem.

- Fuck it is. Here's 1000 kroner.
- No, now you have to stop.

- Normally I earn ... - 1500 kronor.

I earn 30,000 on a campaign.

30,000? Who the hell pays you 30,000?

- Zalando, for example.
- Well. 1500 is too little.

30,000 is far too much.
Can we meet in the middle?

20,000.

- Where are we going to get 20,000?
- Can you give me it?

- We're married and have the same economy.
- Not the two of us.

- It's not my problem.
- We'll have a hard time getting that much.

I can't collect 20,000 without
my girlfriend noticing.

If I'm not going to post them,
it has to be today.

- One second.
- The secret account.

- I get 6000 a month. - Do you only get 6000 from Lene Nystrøm?

Søren Rasted wrote all the songs.

Who has money?

Lars Hjortshøj?
He'll have 2000.

- Right? - I've got it!

- Who's got it?
- I can't say it here.

- Well? - Here.

- 20,000. It's a loan.
- Yes. It's an SOS.

You'll also have an SOS for good
if you say anything. Okay.

- Have you been drinking?
- Yes.

20,000.

You get home Carøe. Then it's done.

- Good day. - You too.

What happened was, I felt ill and called a taxi.

I get sick in the taxi, get out and vomit -

- he puts me on a bench and I fell asleep.

I wake up and call Casper.

He picks me up and I sleep in the guest room.

I didn't know you'd slept there.

It's a really nice story, but...

Didn't you think to say,
"I'll call and saying I'm not coming home."

I wasn't thinking, honey. I was scared to.

- It took a long time to get here.
- We picked him up.

We've been at my house for a bit,
but then we drove ...

We wanted breakfast,
but they'd closed.

I think you should all attend
our forgiveness ceremony.

- Yes. - I actually think you're right.

- I think. - Your energies are ...

- The energy is bad.
- You can also do it too.

- I haven't done anything wrong.
- Nobody has.

No, no, but I do not understand
why I should do that.

- You're all as bad as each other.
- Don't know why I should do it.

Let's have coffee, Frank.

So. Are you coming?

- Didn't you get dressed yet?
- I'm hungover.

- I need to rest.
- You can go to bed later.

No. You're out of it yourself.
You finished that Pingus.

I'm going there myself. Thanks.

- It's Frank.
- It's the acupuncturist.

- Hey, Frank.
- Hello.

I'm calling because I need this SOS -

- which we agreed on. Come to the clinic.

Kenneth, that's just something you say.

It's not like I'll jump when you say.

That's how I understood it. Get in here now.

Frank, I need you now.

- Yes. - What am I not allowed to hear?

- I'm going to the acupuncturist. - I thought you had a hangover.

Yes, but I'm in pain too.
I am affected from all sides.

- Hello. - Glad you came.

It's in here.

Is he dead?

Yes.

- You owe me a favour.
- What?

- It's my SOS.
- Yes, I can see that.

- I have to get him out.
- Did you kill him?

- No. He died in his sleep.
- Then call the police.

How do you think it will look -

- that a dead man is suddenly found in my clinic?

We have to get him out to the elevator.
Get him off the couch.

Okay. Out, out, out.

Close it now, to hell.

- Happy Sunday. - Frank.

- It's his shoes. - Didn't he have shoes on?

No. You have to get rid of them.
Just throw them in the trash.

- Nobody knows they're his.
- Those are health spurs shoes.
They'll know they're his.

It's a forgiveness ceremony, not yoga.

I go all in.

- Let's do it. Come on.
Shoulder to shoulder.

- To truth, motherfuckers.
- To truth!

- First we meet in a ring.
- Yes, let's do it. It's fantastic.

I thought we could start by
sending a thought to Susan's dad.

Good idea. Let's do it.

- We do that now? - Yes.

My father just died.

- Okay. What happened?

He was found in an elevator at his acupuncturist.

It's actually a police case now.

- Why? Was it violent?

They don't what he died from
and he wasn't wearing shoes.

- A huge shock.
- Is it murder?

- We don't know. They're investigating. - Why is it a police case?

- It's murder, Frank.
- No.

You don't kill a man to steal
a pair of orthopedic shoes.

How did you know it was orthopedic shoes?

Wasn't he with the acupuncturist?

Yes.

- It's not nice anyway.
- Shall we not start?

Turn to your loved one. Do this first.
Do you want to make a start?

I want to thank you for being
there when I wake up.

I would like to be forgiven for still sometimes...

- I'll text: "How are you?" to Iben.

- Without emoji.
- It's okay.

She doesn't respond. Cool.

You're forgiven.

You opened a bottle of Pingus.
But, it's fine.

Good. Cool.

Shouldn't one say what one was grateful for?

What the hell can I say?

- Say something.
There must be something.

I'm thankful you're not so tense

as you usually are

and you give acupuncture a chance for once.

And also ...

- You do then.
- I didn't give it a chance.

And you have proper shoes.

Are you going to the acupuncturist
I recommended to you?

- Yes. - What? No.

No. Not the acupuncturist.

- That's where my father was found.
- Okay. Yes.
- Without shoes.

- There are several acupuncturists.
- It's funny.

Those shoes look like my dad's, which he
wasn't wearing when he was found dead.

Okay. Orthopedic shoes tend to look the same.

- Did he have those shoes?
- Exactly the same.

- They're not the ones I'm wearing.
- Where did you get those shoes from?

I bought them from a street vendor.

Street vendor? You said you had received
them from the acupuncturist.

What's going on? What?!

Do you want to tell me what's going on ?!

Yes. These are the shoes.

- Did you kill the man?
- No, he was dead when we found him.

- I'm not feeling well. - No. Susan.

- Frank ... - It's sick, that.

I just want to say that this is a strange thing.

When you got those shoes,
was it before he died?

No. The acupuncturist has a hold on me -

- because I have lent his 20,000 to Carøe.

- What? - No!

It's an SOS that I got sucked into.
I end up in a shit situation ...

- What was it with 20,000?
- It's an SOS.

- Shoulder to shoulder!
- Yeh, yeh, I'll say nothing more.

- What's this 20,000?
- What's going on?

May I just say that Fnug and I are retiring?

- We don't want a part of this.
- So you just leave?!

We all go down together.
You've got a secret account.

- What type of account?
- He gets money from Aqua-Lene.

It's pocket money.
We'll talk about it later.

- Thank you for trying. Take off your shoes.
- Yes. Frank.

- Give me to me.
- Do you want to sell them to me?

I don't know, for fuck sake!

- Thanks, Frank. Good.
- I'm sorry.

- Did I ruin the event?
- You have, but then ... you ...

- You're forgiven. Now to me.
- You're also forgiven.

Then it hasn't been wasted.
We'll go and have a beer.

Now there's Flor de Pingus.

It looks good.

I have a present for you.

What is it?

Is it a piece of jewellery?

No. Just look.

- What is it?
- A wine pump.

If you've opened an expensive bottle
of wine, you can draw out the air.

Okay.

And.

- Now. Now it happens.
- No thanks.

Now I have opened a bottle for 800 krone.

You can just plug it in.

I'll drink it. It has air now.

Both in your glass and in the bottle.
I have to drink it.

Of the money I get, I must share all.

- It sounds like a good idea.
- I brought it for you.

No. You're so nice.

Thanks. Thanks.

- 1000 krone.
- Is that all you get?

Yes. It wasn't Lene who wrote the songs.