Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 9 - Mia's måne - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

MIA'S MOON

It's almost suitable for royalty.

- Hi.
- Welcome.

I just wanted to have a look around.
I have a café myself,

That's perfectly fine.
You can always use some inspiration.

- You have the lemon sponge cake too.
- Yeah. It's a classic.

- It's actually one of my specialties.
- Okay.

- I call it Mia's moon.
- You're quite the little baker.

Does she bring some home for you?

- Yes, she does.
- Do you like it?



- I think I've had too much of it.
- You'd like some variation.

You could make some
raspberry Sarah Bernhardt cakes.

Just let me know if you want some.

- Ithink we...
- We still have some sponge cake left.

And there's more In the freezer,
We're just here to browse.

- You don't put icing on it.
- No, not on this particular one.

I've used a cheese custard with vanilla,
butter and powdered sugar.

I just use icing.

- That gives it the perfect color.
- Okay.

We'll make people think
he's going back -

- but then suddenly he has to stay there
during World War II.

- The wormhole closes.
- Yeah.

And he was so rude to everybody
because he knew he was going back.

He stabs a couple of Jews in the back.
That's always fun.



- Let's call it a day.
- That's really funny.

Do you want to go get a quick drink
and then a quick night on the town?

I can't stand being here right now.

It's my father-in-law. He's the
most horrible person I've ever met.

- Is he here now?
- Yes. He's so controlling.

I don't understand a word he's saying,
and he hates me.

I can't say anything to him
so please let's go out.

I can't. I'm following a crime show, and
this is the last day I can stream it.

- Just watch it some other time.
-Tcan't,

Casper?

- My tattoos piss him off.
- Casper?!

- We're in here!
- Knock, knock. Hi.

- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

- Hello. How are you?
- Hi.

- Papa Alfrik.
- Frank.

The Norwegian king of plastic.

- I'm one of the richest men in Norway.
- Nice to meet you.

Let me give you a souvenir to remind you
of when you met a great Norwegian.

Troldplast.
That's our company name.

- A key ring?
- We make other stuff too.

- What do you do?
- I'm a comedian like Casper.

But I'm a little better than him.

That's easily achieved.

Are you working on something together
at the moment?

- We're making a movie.
- It's about World War II.

- World War II wasn't funny.
- It's not about World War II.

You don't look like a funny guy, and
that movie doesn't sound funny either.

It's not about World War II. We're
discussing a bunch of different ideas.

You mentioned World War II
but that's off the table again.

We might make a movie about Vikings
that are trying to...

- The last...
- Do you mean the tenth century?

- Yeah, the last part of the period.
- Lene! Mahjong!

We're four people
so we can play mahjong.

- Alfrik!
- What's mahjong?

It's a game. We've played it
since I was a kid. He loves it.

- I don't understand that game.
- Is it a board game?

- I'm putting it here. Can I do that?
- Yeah, but you don't get any points.

I don't know if my tiles are any good.

- Is that good?
- It can be. I'm betting 5000.

- Are we done now?
- No. We're in the middle of a game.

- Concentrate.
- Yeah. That's it.

Honey?

- Are you coming to bed?
- No, not now.

- I have to watch this before 10.
- Do you want to fool around a little?

I'm already behind schedule.
I've played mahjong at Casper's house.

- What's that?
- I don't know. I never figured it out.

I'm sorry
but you're watching that every night.

Stop bothering me. I don't bother you
when you're watching cake shows.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed then.

That's fine. I'll be up later.
Bye.

- Are you baking a Mia's moon cake?!
- Yes.

- For Susan and Carge?
- Yes.

- Maybe they'd prefer some chocolates.
- I'don't think so.

Oh well. I just thought
some variation would do us good.

It's completely ridiculous
that I can't go! You're ruining my life!

- Fie, relax.
- What's going on?

She wants to go
to Alba's summerhouse this weekend -

- but no adults are going.
She's too young.

- She's not 15 yet.
- Try telling her that.

No.
I don't want to get an earful.

- Are you doing your homework, honey?
- Yes.

- What's the assignment?
- An interview with my parents.

- What's the first question?
- "What do you do in your spare time?"

- 1.
- That's interesting.

I play tennis and go sailing.

- He's only interviewing one of us.
- Is he interviewing you?

- It doesn't matter who.
- It's better to make it interesting.

- So my life isn't interesting?
- Sure itis.

But it'll be fun for him to talk
about the premieres I go to -

- and my life of showbiz.

- That might spice it up a little.
- It's just homework.

If the teachers think we have
an interesting life, he'll get respect -

- and good grades.
That's how it is.

Maybe you should
just do the interview then.

I think that's a good decision, honey.

I'm not saying you have a boring life,
but you've been baking a lot lately.

Listen to what I'm saying.
Shut the hell up.

- I don't get out much.
- Your jokes are so funny, Carge.

Yeah, that was pretty hilarious.
Here's Mia's moon.

I wanted her to make chocolates for you
but that was out of the question.

- We had Mia's moon last time too.
- It's a tradition, Frank.

It's a fundamental truth that a good
quality of life comes from variation.

Variation is good,
but don't be so hard on Mia.

- [ always treat you well, don't I?
- Well...

- You have to treat your woman right.
- Yes.

That's not really his strong suit.

sorry.

What's going on? It's like
you've fallen in love all over again.

What's going on?
Have you been to couples therapy?

Yeah, kind of.
A practical kind of couples therapy.

- I guess you could call it that.
- We didn't see a therapist.

Another person was involved though.

- There was a chaise longue.
- Yes, there was.

We didn't talk,
and we weren't wearing clothes.

Just tell them,
We've already started talking about it.

We brought another person into bed.
We had a threesome.

- A threesome?
- We don't want everybody to know.

- Really? Was she hot?
- It was a guy, Frank.

- What?
- He said it was a guy.

I thought it was...

- You got the short end of the stick.
- I was a part of it too.

- Were you with him too?
- We mostly concentrated on Susan.

- I can't believe it.
- It think he liked it.

No.
He was taken for a ride.

- It didn't seem that way.
- Maybe he doesn't realize it.

They were all over each other.
Didn't you see that?

- Do you want to have a threesome?
- I'don't know.

I can't even imagine how we would...

Well, if it can save the relationship...

Let's imagine that we're gonna do it.

We're gonna have a threesome
with another man.

- Who would it be?
- Yeah, who would it be?

Steve Jobs maybe?

He did some impressive things.
He started out in a garage.

He has to be alive and Danish.

That's hard.

- What if it had to be a woman?
- I'don't know.

- Come on.
- Mette Blomsterberg.

- Why are you laughing?
- Well...

- You just surprised me.
- Okay.

Good night.

"Troldplast.
On the go. Our mood is never low."

That fucking key ring.
Throw that shit away, man.

What a crappy gift. A billionaire
should be able to afford a better gift.

Did you know
that Carge and Susan had a threesome?

- What? That's awesome!
- Not so much. It was with a guy.

- He got the short end of the stick.
- No, no, no.

Yeah, if they were never doing it again
but they've broadened their horizon.

Next time he can say
they have to do it with a girl.

Now he has access to pussy for the rest
of his life. Just do it with a man.

Then you can do it with girls
afterwards. Susan might find out -

- that it's nice to do it with a girl
because there's less pressure on her -

- and then she'll want to do it again.
What did Mia say?

- Was she all uptight?
- No.

- She actually liked the idea.
- Congratulations.

- I don't want to do it with a guy.
- You don't have to be with him.

Frank, relax. Do you think
you're gonna be tumbling around?

Do you want to go to the grave without
ever being with another woman again?

I think I'll have to
and that's a depressing thought.

Let me tell you something.
By bringing a guy into the rumpus room -

- you might be able to screw
other women with Mia. That's awesome!

I can see the possibilities.

It's just important
that you lay down some ground rules -

- so you're not worried about
what's gonna happen. Congratulations.

You have to pick up a guy.
Here's a piece of advice.

Make sure you don't have bad breath.

You can't smell it. It's like feeling
your forehead to see if you a fever.

- Another person has to do it.
- Well, smell my breath then.

We have a weird friendship.
It's fine.

Go get that shit underway.

- Thanks. Take care.
- See you. I'll lock up here.

We have to lay down some ground rules.
We're not gonna jump into it headfirst.

- It has to be well thought-out.
- Yes. We're not telling anyone.

Do you want to write down some rules?
I've thought about it.

We just have to make sure
it doesn't get out of hand.

Alright...
Okay.

I don't want to end up in the middle.

- We don't want an ugly guy.
- No. It has to be a handsome guy.

- We have to take a shower first.
- And afterwards.

- Can he go down on me?
- Yeah. Otherwise you'll be bone-dry.

I want us to have eye contact.
"Hold my hand the entire time."

If he doesn't do as we say, he's gone.
We haven't tried that before.

- What?
- I want some Nutella.

- Yeah, get some Nutella.
- I've gotta go.

Fie, we've decided
that you can go to the summerhouse.

- Are you serious?
- You're a sensible girl.

I promise I'll behave.
You can trust me.

- So you'll spend the night there.
- Yeah, sure. Have a great day.

- You have to go to school, honey.
- Yes.

- How about a sleepover on Saturday?
- Maybe at Lukas's place.

- Yeah. Can I?
- Yes.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Don't forget your interview.
- Right.

- Remember to arrange the sleepover.
- Sure.

That went well.
No problem there.

I want to show you the dress
I want to wear.

I don't know If it's too much.

- It's very low-cut.
- Isn't that a good thing?

You can dress provocatively -

- but I'm just afraid
that your skin will become all mottled.

Sometimes your skin gets mottled when
you get excited. Your skin turns red.

1 don't think that's true,
but I'll wear something else.

Good Idea. You don't want to
look like a boiled lobster.

It'll be great.
You can eat all the candy you want.

- Did you bring your toothbrush?
- Yes.

- Hi, Jorgen.
- Lukas, come here.

- Aren't you here to pick up my kid?
- No, I'm here to drop mine off.

- They're spending the night here.
- I thought we said at your place.

- Mia and I have important plans.
- I have to go to work.

- We have very important plans.
- Like what?

We're going on a trip.
There's this event...

We have tickets -

- to go see "Cats" in London.

- The musical "Cats"?
- Yeah.

We're going to London. We've followed
Andrew Lloyd Webber's work for years -

- and this is like
a culmination of that.

We have to figure something out,
but I have to go to work.

- Yeah.
- No, you have to see that show.

Awesome, Jorgen.
I would've been in deep trouble -

- if you couldn't take the kids tonight.

The boys shouldn't miss out on this.
I'll figure something out. See you.

Yeah, bye.

- Have you found someone?
- Turn around, honey.

He's too short, right?
That's no good.

- Mom's calling the shots tonight.
- What about the guy at the bar?

The one in the gray suit.
He's kind of cute.

- Do you want me to ask him?
- Yeah.

- How's my breath?
- Fine.

- That's important according to Casper.
- Have you told Casper about this?

No. We've just talked
about bad breath in general.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Here we are. Just chilling out.
- You have to chill out on the weekend.

Yeah, I guess so.

My girlfriend and I
were just talking about you.

Did you talk about anything specific?

- We were saying that you look nice.
- Okay.

We're looking for some adventure.

I'm just gonna put it out there.

We want to have a threesome
and we want it to be with you.

This wasn't my first choice.
I would've preferred a woman -

- but my girlfriend wanted a guy,
so here we are. Let me get to the point.

- Are you up for that?
- Sure. Which one is your girlfriend?

- I need to...
- That one.

- I'm definitely up for that.
- There she is.

- So it's not the one in the red dress?
- No.

No, it's the one in front of her.

- Is that alright?
- Yeah.

Oh my god.

Let go inside.
The neighbors might be watching.

I want you so much.

Mia, I forgot the key.

- Do you have a key?
- No.

- Why didn't you bring your key?
- I'don't know.

- What are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna call a locksmith.

We don't want people to know about this.
Hi. I've locked myself out.

Thanks. Bye.
They're on their way.

They'll be here in ten minutes.

Hi, Frank.
Hi, Mia.

- Hi, Jorgen.
- This looks nice.

- Are you a locksmith?
- Yes, I am.

- Weren't you going to London?
- Weren't you looking after our kids?

- Yeah, but Emma's watching them.
- Who's Emma?

- Lukas's older sister.
- I'm out of here,

I'm going back to the bar.
I can still score some pussy. Later.

- Will you please open the door?
- I'd love to.

There you go. You owe me one.
Take care now.

- Should I drop him off tomorrow?
- I'll pick him up.

You had a key ring but you threw it out.

If you had kept it,
you would've had the key -

- and then you'd soon be having
a threesome with two girls.

It's not looking good now.
She's embarrassed. The magic's gone.

You needed to feel each other out,
but the excitement's gone now.

There's a limited amount of gas
in that tank and you've poured it out.

You just had to get that first guy
out of the way but you failed.

If you want Mia back on board,
you have to do something exceptional.

- Something she's been dreaming about.
- Like what?

It has to be something
that really turns her on.

Then you might be able
to relight the fire.

Frank, I love hanging out with you -

- but a good friend of Lene's is here
because Alfrik's gone home.

- I don't want to play mahjong.
- No, it's not that.

- What is It then?
- Hi, girls.

- Hey, baby.
- Frank, this is Donna.

- Hi. Who are you?
- I'm Frank.

- Do you want me to sit here?
- Yeah.

Frank, you were just leaving, right?
Let me show you out.

- What?
- Are you gonna screw?

We'll see but that may very well be.

I want to have a threesome too.
You're so lucky.

Do I have bad breath?

- What are you doing?
- I wanted to know If I have bad breath.

- Don't ask my son that.
- Is that your son?

Yes. Come on.
I think you'd better leave.

I have something to ask you.
My wife is sexually attracted to you.

I've called this meeting because
I want to talk about Malte's interview.

Okay.

"Rules for the threesome:
Everyone must have showered beforehand.

The other man must climax before Frank.

Mia can only suck the other man's penis
while looking Frank in the eye.

The vagina must be warmed up.
Frank must not end up in the middle."

You're red.