Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 7 - Dobbelt dip - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

DOUBLE DIP

Perfect.

Perfect!

- Is it finished?
- Yes, itis.

Excuse me!

- Frank?
- Yes.

We have to help out at the school
on Saturday. Did you forget about that?

- Okay.
- I think we have to go this year.

- Is it really necessary?
- Yes.

I don't want to go
if we're gonna be the only ones there.



Some people don't want to participate.
They're "duckers".

- But we didn't help out last year.
- No, we've never helped out.

That's not funny.
Malte, stop it!

The new neighbors just moved in
so keep it down.

- She started it!
- Malte, listen to me!

- Stick to the whatever rule.
- Whatever.

- You say whatever, and then you stop.
- He keeps doing it.

- What a load of nonsense.
- Stop it!

Just say whatever.
I guess we don't do that in our family.

- A storm is brewing.
- Yeah, we have to get going, Frank.

- I'don't want to work out in the rain.
- Me neither.

- Bye, bye.
- Have a nice day.

Bye, bye, buddy.
Let's get going.

- Good morning.
- Hi, Jorgen.



- Are you coming on Saturday?
- Hell no.

- Are you?
- Yes. Mia and I are coming.

- I'work 50 hours a week.
- Everybody works, Jargen.

- Then why are you coming?
- You're a ducker.

- A ducker?
- Yeah. You duck your responsibilities.

See you later.

Who's that guy?
He's awesome.

- A very annoying person.
- I know how he feels.

- Nobody wants to go.
- He has the guts to say it.

If I'm going, he's going.
I'm gonna e-mail the other parents.

"Don't duck your responsibilities
and be duckers like Jorgen."

Don't write both "duck" and "duckers".
That's very confusing.

But he...

- He's ducking.
- Yeah, he's ducking.

- But you can't call him a ducker.
- I just like that word.

I'm on Jgrgen's side. I know what I'm
gonna give Lene for her birthday.

- How old is she gonna be?
- Let me think. 34.

- 34?
- Is it 44?

- It must be.
- She's old! Thank God she's rich.

I'm giving her an "effort gift".
That means I've done something special.

Do you know what Maersk blue is?
You can't buy paint in that color.

Only Maersk's ships are that color.
You can't buy it in a store.

- Isn't it just pigeon blue?
- Hell no! It's Maersk blue.

- It looks very similar to that.
- It's not the same.

When you get someone an effort gift,
you have to go the extra mile.

- Have you met Marty from Maersk?
- No.

He can get me some Maersk-blue paint,
and I'm gonna use it to paint our pool.

- Isn't that a great idea?
- Yeah, if she's into that.

She doesn't know, and don't
tell anybody. It's big business.

If people knew about it,
everything would be Maersk blue.

Let's go.
Let's do some...

- Lunges?
- Yes. All the way to the end.

- When is he gonna be here?
- In about ten minutes or so.

He has to wait for the right moment
to sneak out. This is fucking illegal.

Yeah.
We're on a mission.

An effort mission.

I've bought a robot vacuum cleaner
for Mia. I can program it.

It turns on at 2 p.m. every day. I don't
have to worry about cleaning anymore.

- I have a cleaning lady.
- You have to talk to a cleaning lady.

No. They sign a contract that says they
can't talk to me or look me in the eye.

That's just a different kind
of robot vacuum cleaner.

- There's Marty.
- Is that the guy?

- Yes. Let's go.
- Okay.

Hey, Marty. This is Frank.
He's gonna help me carry the stuff.

- The window of opportunity has closed.
- What?

- I have direct orders from management.
- Hey!

You can't be serious.
I went all in on this.

- The situation has changed.
- Maybe for you, but not for me.

- The paint is just for the ships.
- Hey, hey, Marty.

1 know that,
but you made me a Maersk promise.

- Is that a special kind of promise?
- According to them it is.

You made me a Maersk promise.
Come on.

- It's only for your private pool.
- Yes. I'm making you a Maersk promise.

- I'll put some buckets out for you.
- Good.

Awesome.
Play it cool.

There it is.

- Let's go get it.
- Yes.

Grab those.
Awesome!

- That's Maersk paint!
- Be careful.

- Perfect,
- Good.

- Could you tell he was gay?
- No.

- He did the gay lick.
- The gay lick?

Gay people do that. That's how they
recognize each other. It's true.

Let's put the paint in your shed
so Lene doesn't see it.

- I'don't have a shed.
- Yeah, you do.

- No. I have a garage.
- It's connected to the shed.

- No. It's just a garage.
- But you have so much crap in there.

A garage is for you car.

- I park my car in there.
- What about the paint then?

That'll be the crap we put in my garage.
Then it is a shed.

Thank you.
We agree.

Hi, honey.
I have a funny story for you.

- The neighbors are here.
- Hi, Frank.

They say you saw...
I forgot your name.

- Tulle.
- ... pee in the garden.

- did.
- How did that happen?

I was jumping on the trampoline and
accidentally looked over the fence.

- You owe them an apology.
- Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Tulle feels violated
because you were staring at her.

I don't know what to say. I was like
a deer caught in the headlights.

- I hope we can forget about this.
- We can.

We just want you to move the trampoline.

I'd love to, but that's the only place
where the garden is level.

I can promise you that I won't stare
at you again while you're peeing.

You have to move it by Saturday -

- because we're having a yoga session
in the garden.

- We promise we won't use it that day.
- We can't be sure of that.

- We have a trust issue here.
- You're not the one who was violated.

I could understand
that you'd feel violated -

- if we took a dump in your living room
or something.

You're trying to make us move
the trampoline but we don't want to.

Tulle didn't want to be stared at.
I don't know how much you saw.

- Did you see her vagina?
- Idon't know what I saw.

Are you some kind of sexual deviant?
Did you enjoy it?

- No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
- Do you have a problem with lesbians?

No, not at all. I think it's interesting
that you've moved to our neighborhood.

If you don't move that trampoline,
we're calling the police.

- That's not gonna happen.
- Come on, Tulle.

I can show you my penis.
Then we're even.

I wasn't standing that close.

No matter where you're standing
you can see into their garden -

- so It doesn't matter
if you were close to the fence.

That's what I mean. I doesn't matter
where I place the trampoline.

- If I jump high enough...
- That's not the point.

You looked into their garden, and
they feel like you were staring at them.

It bothers them.

I was surprised to see a woman peeing.

- I couldn't help it.
- You couldn't help it?

- You could have looked the other way.
- Yeah, I'll do that next time.

They're very sensitive. The slightest
thing makes them feel violated.

The bottom line is that the trampoline
Is too close to the fence.

- You have to put it somewhere else.
- Tell her not to pee in the garden.

- She's allowed to do that.
- It sucks to be bossed around.

You have to move that trampoline.
End of discussion.

I hope you don't mind me asking,
but are you gay?

- Am I gay?
- Yeah, you did the lick.

- I'm not following you.
- The gay lick.

- The gay lick?
- Yeah. You stuck your tongue out.

- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, just a second ago.

Maybe my lips where dry.
It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

It doesn't look good if you're gay.

- Do you know my neighbors?
- No, I don't.

Maybe you met them through the community
or perhaps in a sauna somewhere.

- We're talking about trampolines.
- You have to be unbiased.

I am. I spoke to your neighbors,
and if you bother them again -

- I'm gonna consider it a hate crime,
and then I'm gonna arrest you.

I hope you realize that.

Fie?

Fie?

- There's lasagna all over the floor.
- What?

You know it starts vacuuming at 2 p.m.
Clean it up.

Hey.
Aren't you gonna clean it up?

That robot has taken my job.

Just go get another job.
Don't be mad at me -

- because modern technology
has made you obsolete.

You don't do anything
around here anymore, Fie.

- Let's do the double dip.
- Okay, but let's be quick about it.

Your turn.
Hold it and stretch.

- I've got you. Good job.
- Are we done?

Cool.

Bring the paint over the day after
tomorrow so I can get the pool painted.

- What should I do?
- Just drop it off and leave.

- No, about my neighbors.
- I'm totally on your side.

It's your right as a man and all that -

- but you're up against
the lesbian enclave.

They've been oppressed for many years,
and this might end up on the front page.

If I don't strike back now -

- they're gonna beat me down again
and again until I'm completely broken.

- What's next?
- Frank, don't take on the lesbians.

If you let them get their way,
they'll take over the world.

- I don't want to get involved.
- They threatened to shit on my floor.

- Then they're gonna do it.
- Not if I assert myself.

I'm gonna move the trampoline back
and ruin their yoga session.

Frank.

Why aren't you up yet?
We have to help out at the school.

- My back hurts.
- Or maybe you just don't want to go.

No. It's because I had to
drag that trampoline around.

- Have you taken painkillers?
- Yeah. Well... yeah.

I crawled downstairs during the night
and took some and then crawled back up.

- I can't believe I didn't wake you up.
- That's not good.

- I really wanted to come.
- You're an old man.

- Feel better, honey.
- I'll be fine.

It's a shame, honey.
It really sucks.

Malte?
It's just gonna be you and me.

Dad's back hurts.

Take some long, deep breaths.

Breathe in through your nose.

We can't do it here.
What are we gonna do?

I'm really sorry,
but we're gonna have to go inside.

- Excuse me. What are you doing?
- What the hell?

- Hi. You're home early.
- What are you doing?

Go change your clothes, honey.

Tell me what's going on.

Cut it out. You were jumping on the
trampoline. Your back doesn't hurt.

Did you move it back
to bother the lesbians?

- You're home early.
- Everybody was there except you.

Okay.

You smeared my reputation,
and then you didn't show up.

There's only one ducker here.

- Honey, you have blue paint on you.
- I've been painting a fence.

- Where did you get the paint?
- It was in the garage.

That's not our paint!
It's Casper's!

We stole it yesterday.
It's Casper's effort gift for Lene.

- I can't buy it anywhere!
- I'm sorry.

- But I had to help out at the school.
- I need that paint.

There's no more left, Frank. You
would have known if you'd been there.

Well.

- I'm taking it.
- No, don't. Stop that!

- How much did you cut off?
- It'll grow back.

I'm going to the paint store.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi there.

Awesome.
Lars!

- Those aren't the same buckets.
- I poured it into new buckets.

- Why?
- I was nervous because it's illegal.

- Oh, it's a cover-up.
- Yeah, you know...

Get to it, Lars,
and don't play music in the yard.

- Do you want a beer?
- Sure.

- Do you want a pale ale or...
- Excuse me. Hi, honey.

What?

What?

Just get started.

It must have been them.
I'm positive!

Of course it was the lesbians!
I'm coming home.

The lesbians shit on my floor.
There's a huge turd in the living room.

- I told you not to fuck with them.
- There'll be consequences.

- I'm calling the police.
- Can I come? I want to see it.

- What do you want to see?
- The turd.

- Did you clean it up?
- Yes.

It was evidence.

It was smelly, and it might have left
a stain. I couldn't leave it there.

- What do I tell the police now?
- You started all this. Relax.

Frank wants to put an end to the war.
He can't do that -

- when you've removed the smoking gun
from the floor.

I can't deal with this.

Honey, it goes without saying
that when the police get here -

- and the turd Isn't there it'll look
like I made a false complaint.

Can you put a turd there
before the police get here?

If there's a turd there,
you have a smoking gun.

- Nobody knows if it's a lesbian turd.
- Do you want me to poop on the floor?

It's your only option.

We're in this together.
Come on.

Let's do the double dip, Frank.

I can't believe those lesbians
are forcing me to do this.

Frank, we don't have much time.
Focus.

There we go. Good job, Frank.
Come on, Frank.

I think we're good.

Can I see it?

- Now they're going down. Perfect.
- Genius.

I can't wait for the police to get here.

The neighbors might be watching.
That's just lovely.

Yes, that is lovely.

- I'm sorry. I was gonna clean it up.
- What?

- Berthas turd.
- Did she shit on the floor?

- Who else could it be?
- That explains everything, Frank.

- Where did you get that dog?
- You told me to get a job.

- Nice, Frank.
- The police are here.

Yes, the police are here.
You started all this.

I took a shit on the floor.

- What?
- I took a shit on the floor.

- You didn't.
- You destroyed the evidence!

- Hi.
- I'm so sorry.

I've made a false complaint.

I really screwed up. I'm having a feud
with the lesbians next door.

I've really crossed the line.
I moved a trampoline back and forth.

- He took a shit on the floor.
- That too.

If I let this go right now -

- and apologize to the lesbians,
can we just say whatever?

You'll have to take it up with them.
We're here on another matter.

Someone has reported that you
have some stolen Maersk-blue paint -

- and that you've used it
to paint a fence.

I used it to paint a fence
at the school.

- They stole it.
- I'm confused.

- I've been helping out at the school.
- Where did you get the paint?

- It was in the garage.
- What did I use for the pool then?

- I'don't know.
- Where did you get the paint?

- At the paint store.
- The paint store?

I don't want my pool painted
with regular paint!

- It looks just like it.
- Stop, stop!

It's not an effort gift if I just
use paint from the paint store.

I don't want a regular color.
That's ridiculous.

- It looks really similar.
- I don't give a shit!

- I want it painted with Maersk paint!
- Can you confirm that you stole it?

I can confirm that my pool
is not painted with Maersk paint.

We have to take you down to the station
so we can get this sorted out.

- Get in the car please.
- Go get an ice cream or something.

- I'll clean it up later.
- Watch your head.

Marty?

- Goddamn.
- It can't get much worse than this.

It turns out that the gay lick
is a myth. There's no such thing.

It's one of the great gay myths.
It doesn't mean anything.

- Marty is not gay.
- Then why did you say that?

It's not like Discovery
has made a program about the gay lick.

I hear stuff here and there
and tell you about it.

- Don't blame me for that.
- It had serious consequences.