Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 5 - Tipo Napoli - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
BACK ON THE TREADMILL

Could you mow the lawn soon?

All I do is work here.
It's true.

- Ah.
- I work flat out as soon as I get home.

- That's not true.
- I'm just a janitor.

- Good morning.
- [ barely slept a wink.

- Something beeped in the basement.
- I didn't hear anything.

I closed the door to the basement.

It's the freezer alarm.

There's water all over the floor.

- Everything has thawed. Oh no, dear.
- What is it?



- My Tipo Napoli cheese sausages.
- Oh no.

I see what you mean.

- We'll have to eat them today.
- We can't eat ten kilos of sausage.

We can invite people over tonight.
How about that?

Yes. You do that, dear.

Call everyone you can think of.

I'll talk to Pivert
at the hardware store.

- You can invite Pivert too.
- No. He can find me a cheap freezer.

I hope you enjoy it.

- Hello.
- Summer sale. What do you need?

I'm looking for a freezer.
Ours went on the blink.

- Let's take a look.
- Is Pivert here?

Jacob is no longer among us.

- Jacob is dead.
- What?



Jacob is dead.

No.

At our summer party
we did the usual team-building things.

Kick the can.
Hide and seek.

This was in a room at the back.
Jacob got inside it.

And unfortunately,
the lid jammed, so he couldn't ...

He couldn't lift the lid.

- He suffocated In a freezer?
- Yes.

Why didn't someone let him out?

We couldn't hear him. The music
was loud, and we were partying.

You must have noticed his absence.

We thought he had left early.

Everyone here is still shocked.

I regret it deeply.

Why is it on sale?

We want to get rid of it.
We'd prefer to sell it -

- because it costs just as much
to have it scrapped.

- It costs 2,000.
- No.

If it's about the money,
I'll get rid of it.

- Are you trying to get a cheap freezer?
- Of course not.

Don't be stupid.
You sound like an idiot.

- Out of respect for Pivert or Jacob ...
- Stop talking.

Two reasons. We have customers,
and the word you said. I don't like it.

Idiot?

You said it again.
You won't get away with it again.

A grotesque accident happened here,
and you take offense at the word idiot?

I'm no ace at counting,
but that makes three times.

Do I look like a local boxing champion?
I think so.

It whizzes right at you.
Shall we?

How very sad.

It's tragic.

He was a drag on you.

I don't see it that way.
Pivert and I had fun.

He was a drag on you.
Everything was grand.

"It's grand!"
Nothing was grand about his life.

He probably had to lie to himself.

He lived a lie. We can't mourn him
too much. Let's move on.

His last hour in that freezer
must have been hell.

I imagine the first hour was too.

It wasn't grand.
He can't have said it was grand.

But he was found last.
He won the game of hide and seek.

Don't forget that.
He left on a high note.

Don't get me wrong -

- but you should be glad
Pivert is dead. I never understood you.

- You can't say no to a nice person.
- It's a piece of cake.

Take a deep breath.
Count to three in your head.

And then say no.

It's very easy, Frank.
Give it a try.

One, two, three.

For Christ's sake, not like that.
Count in your head.

One, two, three, no.

Bingo.
That's how you do it.

Have you seen the corkscrew?

Didn't you just have it?

You just had the Pinocchio corkscrew.
Find it yourself.

- I'll go and look for it.
- Mads threw the corkscrew away.

I didn't throw it away. I just asked
if you'd seen it. Take it easy.

It's annoying
because it's a designer classic.

A designer classic? Ah.

- It cost 600 kroner.
- That doesn't make it a classic.

Don't count on me
at the next sausage fest. Jesus!

- Casper.
- We're off, Frank.

- Won't you say goodbye?
- Lene is waving.

- Bye, Lene.
- Lene is tired, so we're going.

- Thanks for coming.
- Good luck with all the sausages.

- This is Chris.
- Do you have a chauffeur?

Yes. He's also security.
We need a security guard 24/7.

- Why?
- The money.

- You're not that rich.
- Frank.

That's why we hired Chris,
Afghanistan veteran.

- He's seen everything.
- Cool.

You can punch him at will
at any time of day or night.

He's always prepared. He works
around the clock. Try it, Frank.

Your stomach muscles
aren't tensed when you're asleep.

- They are.
- No way!

- No, they aren't.
- See you.

You don't have to hit me.
Not everyone likes to.

I don't mind hitting someone.
I have a powerful badminton arm.

- Okay, badminton?
- [ used to play.

The Pinocchio corkscrew has disappeared.

But I found Lene's sunglasses.

The sausages are delicious.
Pivert's funeral is at 2 p.m. on Friday.

- Where?
- At St. Mark's.

The store owner bought a 200-kroner
bouquet from all ten of them.

That's 20 kroner each.

The store has a multi-million turnover.

We're buying an expensive bouquet.
1,000-1,200 kroner.

A bouquet that sends the message
that we were Pivert's good friends.

And I'd like to put that
irritating store owner in his place.

- Did you put the cover on the grill?
- No.

It's supposed to rain tonight.

- Right.
- No. I'll do it, dear.

You lost a good friend.

- Are you going to put the cover on?
- Yes.

- I'm going to the recycling center.
- Okay.

It has a flat.

What a bummer!
This just isn't my week.

First Tipo Napoli and then this.
On top of that, Pivert died.

Do you mind mowing the lawn instead?

But I'm still upset.

Alright. Forget it.

It's not going anywhere.

I have a suggestion, Frank.

Could we make ... I wouldn't call it
a schedule, but a little list?

When you invite me to something -

- you tell me
exactly what will be going on.

Then I wouldn't have come to "Eat ten
kilos of sausage before they rot party".

Attendance was optional.

And let me know
if we'll be standing on grass.

We were on the lawn.
You have to tell me these things.

- Lene's high heels sank into it.
- She could've stayed on the patio.

All the old fogies were there eating
greasy sausages. Lene couldn't stand it.

We move in different circles now, Frank.

We're hosting an ayahuasca event.
It's not your kind of thing.

- What?
- Ayahuasca.

You must have heard of it.
It's South American.

You drink a cup of it,
and it's mind-expanding.

Like an LSD trip.

I won't invite you
because you wouldn't like it.

- I'd like to be invited.
- You're invited.

No thanks, drugs aren't my thing.

I have to go. Chris?

- Did you punch Chris?
- I won't do it because you say so.

- This is what I have to put up with.
- Let's get it over with.

Stand up and walk over here
and punch me in the stomach.

If I punch you,
you'll collapse like a house of cards.

- Punch him, Frank.
- No. He's prepared.

- I'm always prepared.
- At any time.

Let's roll, Chris.
See you.

- The weather is lovely.
- I'm glad it's not raining.

- It's already started.
- What the heck?

We're late.
This is embarrassing, Frank.

Come.

... ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

... the power and the glory forever.
Amen.

There isn't a bouquet
from the store owner.

It's disgraceful!

He worked there for 15 years.

He died at their summer party
and no one turned up.

That owner ...

- Don't you dare.
- He must be told.

- Stop it.
- It went straight to voicemail.

It's Frank.
I'm at Jacob's funeral.

1 was wondering where you were.

Is it too expensive
to close the store?

I'd like to add,
and please take this personally:

You're an idiot.
A complete idiot.

Let's prepare to carry
your loved one out.

Go. This Is it.

- We're one too many.
- We only need six men.

I don't know if I'm the one.

1 don't know what the deal is,
but I'm Pivert's best friend.

- Pivert?
- Did you call him Pivert?

Yes, or Jacob or whatever
you called him. I'll take this one.

- We called him Mogens.
- Okay.

We're burying Mogens.
Not some Jacob.

Right then.

We're at the wrong funeral.

- We're at the wrong funeral.
- Oh no.

- For fuck's sake, Frank.
- The bouquet!

I just need to grab my bouquet.

- Are there names on them?
- Not that one.

That's from us.

- Let's go.
- I need the bouquet. This one!

- Whose Is this?
- Stop it!

- That's it. Let's go.
- Okay.

1 was sure it was at St. Mark's,
but it might have been St. Luke's.

- I should think so!
- Or St, Thomas's.

- Let's try St. Luke's then.
- It's a bit of gamble.

- They're all called Saint something.
- Why didn't you check the address?

Where was it?

It's a shame
we didn't make it.

- It's a beautiful wreath though.
- Yes.

You can tell
that it was expensive.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Didn't you make it to the service?
- Yes, I did.

We were just a few.
Four from the hardware store and me.

- We haven't met.
- Bjarne.

- Hi. Frank.
- Mia.

Let's go and have a snack
or something.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

We could go to Sokkelund.

Pivert and I used to go plane-spotting.

A bunch of us aviation addicts met
every Saturday.

We're going out for a meal now.

Watching an Airbus 380
take off is really ...

There's an empty spot now.
You could come on Saturday.

- Do I want to go plane-spotting?
- Yes. On Saturday.

You can go.
We don't have any plans.

One, two, three, no.

- What are you doing?
- What?

Maybe on the following Saturday?

- One, two, three, no.
- Okay.

- Take care.
- You too.

- What was that about?
- About averting a bad situation.

- Hi.
- Frank?

I have a present for you.
It's from Mads Christensen.

"I'm sorry that I lost
your Pinocchio corkscrew."

- Cheese sausages. Tipo Napoli.
- Wow!

You need to put them
in the freezer immediately.

- How many are there?
- 200.

- Buon appetito.
- Bye. Jeez.

Hi.
Here are Lene's glasses.

- Cool.
- What are you wearing? Sandals?

- It's our ayahuasca ceremony.
- Can I take a look?

- No. People wouldn't like it.
- Did you already drink it?

Yes, we did.
And we're starting to feel the effects.

This Is Frank.
He wanted to wish us good luck.

- Hi, Frank.
- This is Aura. Thomas. Sofus.

- You can join us if you like.
- No, I think it's too far out for me.

Then leave.
You're either in or you're not.

- We are one big energy.
- Hi, Frank.

- Having fun?
- Come here,

- You've taken poison.
- Enough. I want to stay in the zone.

- I just need to take a leak.
- Chris is out there. See you, Frank.

- Is Chris in the bathroom?
- Yes.

Take that!
No one has tensed muscles 24/7.

Frank, what are you doing?

Are you okay? No.
What the hell, Frank?

- You said that Chris was on the john.
- This is Chris.

- Chris is the name of our shaman.
- This is very complicated.

- You said Chris was out there.
- What's wrong?

I'm terribly sorry.
Why the hell weren't you out there?

Blood is coming out of his mouth.
We have to go, Casper.

- We can't be alone now.
- Grab his feet, Frank.

- Chris, I'll lift you up.
- I thought he was Indian.

- He's from Aalborg.
- A shaman from Aalborg?

- Are you taking him to the hospital?
- Yes.

Chris is going to the hospital
because Frank punched him.

- No shaman for us, thank you very much.
- You can do this some other day.

It's my first time trying ayahuasca.
I need guidance.

We can't postpone it
when we already drank it.

A fried egg and a shower
can cure anything.

What the hell are you on about?

My car is parked in a stupid place,
so I'll just ...

Talk to you soon, Casper.

- Hi
- Hi,

- Alright?
- Yes, I'm fine.

- Don't forget to trim the edges.
- Twon't,

- Aren't you milking this?
- No, I'm so upset about Jacob.

Okay.

I'm really down. And something stupid
happened at Casper's.

Hi. We're from the hardware store.
We need a quick word with Frank.

- What about?
- Frank left three messages.

He said some filthy things
that I'd rather not repeat.

- He hasn't scrapped the freezer.
- No.

Frank was meant to scrap it.

- And it's plugged in.
- I had no idea.

You're using it, for fuck's sake!
I need to talk to Frank right now!

- Where is he?
- In the yard.

- You'll have to talk to him about it.
- He has some fucking nerve.

Frank.

Frank!
Could you be more precise?

Where Is Frank?

Look in there.

Frank.

There he is! Henrik!

- Frank, I want to talk to you.
- No.

- I'm not talking to you.
- Come back, I tell you!

I just want to talk.

Hi, Frank. It's me. Bjarne.
From Pivert's funeral.

I thought about plane-spotting.
It sounds interesting.

- I'm on my way there now.
- Can I come?

- Sure.
- Stop!

- I thought you weren't interested.
- Let's go!

THE AVIATOR GRILL

- Dubai?
- Yes.

- Dubai-Copenhagen. Six hours.
- It's grand.

It was horrible. I've never
been so afraid in my whole life.

And I still am.
You can't do it without a shaman.

I fell into a different universe
and was all alone. No guidance.

I saw all kinds of shit.

- It's terrible what happened to Lene.
- She's in the hospital.

The freakiest thing was
that I thought I saw Pivert.

Pivert was like the king of some country
and said, "Grand, grand, grand."

Right in my face.
"Grand, grand, grand." People cheered.

I told him to shut the fuck up,
and people booed me.

It's a good thing Pivert is dead.

It's really ridiculous,
but I met a new Pivert.

If you're hanging out with someone
you don't want to, you're an idiot.

- I'm even disappointed in myself.
- You attract those types.

You're a walking Pivert magnet.

Everyone has a Pivert in their life.

Now I'm myself again.

I can see clearly now.
You're my Pivert.

One, two, three, no.

Shaman Chris.

Mia, I found the Pinocchio corkscrew.