Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 4 - Slikræven - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

THE CANDY FOX

- Hi.
- This is where people tag you.

- What does 'tag' mean?
- Hi, Dad.

- What are you doing?
- We're creating my Instagram profile.

Then you need to add some emojis.
Isn't that what they're called?

- Emoji.
- You're such a joke.

- Was that it?
- Isn't it nice to have modern parents?

- And to have a mother who's with it?
- Shut up, Dad.

- Thank you.
- What's this? Let me taste.

Leave the rest. They are for
the parent-teacher consultation.



- Is it still at Taus's house?
- Yes.

- It's just the dumbest idea.
- He's just keen.

Not being bothered to get off your ass
isn't being keen.

What's that on your bag?

It's pepper sauce.
I just bought it at the butcher's.

It's all over the place.
I can't deduct it now!

- What a pain.
- And my pen. Look at this!

- Just look!
- Yes.

He should've put the lid on properly.
That should be rule no. 1 for butchers.

- Package your sauce responsibly.
- I'll clean it up.

It's like a kid with cholera
took at shit in it. Yes.

- Where the hell are we?
- On the outskirts of Frederiksberg.

It's horrible here. There aren't
any proper houses. Just apartments.

People do live here.



I have exciting news.

I'm banging a new lady.
It's top secret.

Do you have a picture of her?

I have pictures
of her like this and like this ...

- I thought you were happy with Lene.
- I'm 100% happy with her.

And I'm 100% happy with the new one.
It's just sex.

Let's go inside.

Hi, Butcher Lund. I bought
some pepper sauce in poor packaging.

- In poor packaging?
- The lid wasn't closed all the way.

You're saying that Sonny and I
can't put the lid on a container.

Is that what you're saying?

I don't know if it was you or Sonny.
It just wasn't on right.

Let me tell you something. We sell
good products with tight-fitting lids.

- Then why did the container leak?
- Maybe you threw a hairdryer on it.

- I didn't do that.
- Our packaging is thoroughly checked.

Why the hell are we arguing?
The customer is always right.

- I want a new one.
- Then you have to pay.

If you won't accept it,
buy your pepper sauce somewhere else.

Do you want me to spell it out?

I must have thrown something
on top of it.

- My bad.
-S0..7

- I'm sorry.
- That's alright.

I'd like to buy a new one.

I know.

What the hell was that?
You're not yourself.

You're like a little kid.
Why is pepper sauce so important?

He makes a divine pepper sauce.
I can't fall out with him.

- Right. Let's keep it moving.
- I have a parent-teacher consultation.

- Not now!
- Yes.

The sanctimonious jerk is having it
in his home, so he can lord it over us.

- Hi, Susanne.
- Hi there.

- Hi.
- Come in.

- Make yourselves at home.
- It's nice to have this in your home.

- I brought some homemade cake.
- You shouldn't have.

I know.

It's going really well.
You should be proud of her.

You have an intelligent daughter.

We should talk about what's going
to happen in the future.

I'll make some tea.
Do you like tea?

- Some coffee would be great.
- I don't have any coffee.

But try my wonderful organic tea.

We'd love to.

- You often have some of my tea.
- But I prefer coffee.

- Happy?
- Yes.

I'm proud.
I was a bit nervous.

There's more pepper sauce.
Where did that come from?

- I thought I washed it all off.
- You forgot a big spot.

- Do you have a napkin?
- No, I don't think so.

- Is that an electronic tag?
- It's not what you think.

It's not a pulse watch.
That much I know.

Is that why we're here?
Can't you leave your apartment?

I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell Mia.

- Or any of the other parents.
- What did you do?

Come on. Out with it.

My little brother has some friends
who are gang-related.

He borrowed my car,
and I got arrested -

- by the police
with his stuff in my car.

How about I raise Fie's grades?

She's getting top grades.
You have nothing to offer.

My brother owes me a solid,
so how about he owes you one?

Text me the name of someone who
needs to be reprimanded or something.

- I'm not getting involved in crime.
- You won't be involved.

That's exactly what I will be, Taus.

I don't see people
after I made all that money.

People can't take
the fact that I'm well off.

They're envious of my success,
my money, the whole nine yards.

If I may say so, it could also be
because you're a bit ...

How should I put it?
Domineering.

- Me?
- Yes.

- You can't be serious.
- You pressure people.

We're at your place.

I didn't say we had to be at my place.
I even brought expensive port.

You're domineering right now.
I'm trying to find an explanation.

Be careful what you say next, Frank.

I can afford to have you taken out.

One phone call and you're gone.

Funny you should mention that.
I'm owed a favor by the gang crowd.

- What?
- The gang crowd owes me a solid.

Then take advantage of it.

- I'm not getting involved.
- Pull yourself together!

They owe you.
You can pick and choose!

If you don't have any enemies,
it's because you're a pill.

- Malte!
- What?

- Guess who that is!
- The Candy Fox!

The Candy Fox. It's a fun way
of getting your Friday candy.

Instead of doing it myself,
I call the Candy Fox.

- It's a company.
- Really?

Wow.

Okay.
I want a hug too.

- Are you some foxy candy?
- Casper.

- Casper, Casper.
- Mia.

Man! Why can't that idiot
put the lid on right?

Butcher Lund.

Good morning.
I feel sick.

It's no wonder
considering how much you drank.

It was fun,
and now I'm paying the price.

Every time you and Casper get together,
you go overboard.

That's why I didn't invite him
over for dinner tonight.

- I think that will upset him.
- Too bad. I won't have him.

Did you see him dancing
with the Candy Fox?

There's a person in there.

Yes.

He's not coming tonight,
and that's that.

I don't get it.
No one has liked my picture.

Look.
Zero likes.

- Zero?
- It's not funny.

It's funny that you have zero followers.
That must be a record.

It's very unusual
that there's no activity.

You need some followers.
It's all about networking.

You press here
and tag Fie, for example.

- I press there?
- Carpe, for example.

He has 10,000 followers
because of his show.

- How do I do that?
- Or you could choose Casper.

He has 107,000 followers.

Most of them are naked women,
aren't they?

Why is Taus texting you?

Huh?

What?

- Cheers, my dears.
- Have some more.

- Do you have room?
- This is delicious, Frank.

I would've served it
with pepper sauce.

I bought the butcher's pepper sauce.

The packaging was leaky.
It happened twice recently.

- He was very unpleasant to me.
- He's gotten worse.

He won a prize for his ham salad,
and it's gone to his head.

It won't happen again, Lars.

- I set him straight.
- You set him straight?

What did you say?

- I just set him straight.
- Tell us what you did.

- I pulled a few strings.
- You're so full of it.

- I know people.
- You know people. Mafioso.

You're connected, Frankie.

What's this then?

No, I don't think we ordered candy.

Hey, the Candy Fox is here.

- Give the Candy Fox a hand.
- Candy Fox, Candy Fox.

- Didn't you bring any candy?
- Casper?

- Casper, come and have a glass of wine.
- Wait, Casper.

I told her you should be invited.
I'm angry that she didn't.

- What does she have against me?
- I get too wild with you around.

What should I do?
Say, "Pardon me for living"?

- No.
- Then what?

- We shouldn't get drunk.
- I can't help it.

You could share her pictures
on Instagram.

She has a profile
and is trying to sell her cakes.

How provincial! I have to like cakes
to be able to get drunk in your house.

I know.
I don't know what else to suggest.

I'll do it. Hey, hey.
I'm cool with it. I'll do it.

I'll like her fucking picture,
so you and I can hang out.

- That would be a huge help.
- Good. What do you think of this?

It's the Candy Fox.
I bought the concept.

I bought it.

You didn't recognize me.
No one will know it's me.

- I'm screwing ladies all over town.
- In that outfit?

I put this on, and I'm in.
The ladies love it!

I keep it on while I screw them.
Come here!

Suck my dick.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Michael.

Hey, what's this I hear?
That you had it in for Butcher Lund.

- Where did you hear that?
- The whole neighborhood says so.

It made me proud to be your neighbor.
It really did. I'm proud, Frank.

I didn't see that coming.
We hope he'll learn his lesson.

- We shouldn't put up with it.
- Thanks again, Frank.

You're welcome.

I have almost 400 followers
because Casper shared my picture.

It was you, dear.
It was thanks to you.

- Wasn't it?
- Yes.

- Take your pants off.
- What?

- Why don't you take your pants off?
- Really? You think you've earned it.

- Because you helped me.
- Didn't I help you?

- Mia, the cake girl.
- Yes.

- Hang on a sec.
- They're stuck.

- The counter is high.
- You can't reach this far.

- Who's the man of the house?
- You are, Frank.

- Would you like a glass?
- No thanks, dear.

Phew! I did the shopping.
I passed the butcher's on the way.

I think he's dead. The sign said
they were closed due to a death.

What?

It said
they were closed due to a death.

What?
Did it say how he died?

No, just that they were closed
due to a death.

What's wrong, dear?

I'm afraid it might be my fault.

Itis. It's because I asked some guys
to teach him a lesson.

I sent a text to some ...

... shady connections.

I asked them to teach him a lesson.
They must have misunderstood.

They killed him.
It's Lars Hjortshej.

Hi, Lars. What? No!

No, I have nothing to do with it.
I didn't know he was dead.

Really?

No, it must have been a health problem.

No, I don't.
I don't have time to talk now.

- Bye.
- Frank, what's going on?

People think I killed the butcher.
I need to get hold of Taus.

- What does he have to do with it?
- He's a criminal.

- Taus?
- He has an electronic tag. Let's go.

- You drive. I'm drunk.
- Dear ...

My brother didn't kill anyone.

All they did was to smear
hot liver paste on their windows.

- So he didn't kill anyone?
- No.

Can we be sure
that Frank isn't involved?

- Yes, you can.
- Dear ...

How about that?

I'm so relieved.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- I'm pruning the tomatoes.

I see. Listen.

- Take this.
- No. Why should I?

I'm starting to get nervous.
Lene is on the warpath.

I can't keep it at home.

I'm no longer a part of any
undercover operations or illegal acts.

- But I helped you with Mia's cake crap.
- That's not illegal.

- Is having this costume illegal?
- It's morally reprehensible.

It's also morally wrong to like a cake
that looks disgusting.

Her cake was shit. Now I've done
something morally wrong too, so help me.

Thank you.
That wasn't hard, was it?

- Let's make this fast.
- Are you wearing slippers?

- They're gardening shoes.
- Those aren't gardening shoes!

- They are combo shoes.
- There's no such thing.

- Gardening slippers?
- Yes. That's what I'm wearing.

- Do you have an extra key?
- No, you'll have to text me.

- That's too dangerous.
- I'll bring it to the office.

You have a key.
You can get it -

- and go screw someone,
then put it back in the office.

And the fox is on your side.
I'm just saying.

Thanks, Frank. Ciao, bella.

My nerves can't take any more, Casper.
I'm telling you!

Fry it two minutes on each side.

- I hope you enjoy it.
- Hi. It's great you're open again.

- Yes.
- I was afraid you were dead.

- My uncle died.
- I see, Your uncle.

What's this I hear?

That you're bragging about
being the one to nail Butcher Lund.

What the fuck?

- What are you doing here?
- Making sure you're okay.

- And buying some pepper sauce.
- Get out of here!

- Take a hike!
- Lund.

Leave!
Get out of here!

This is crazy!

- Son of a bitch.
- I'll buy ten pepper sauces!

Piss off.

- Can I help you?
- Pepper sauce.

Pepper sauce. You know what?
I'll give you three for a hundred.

No problem.

Yes, there you go.
Enjoy. Have a good party.

Casper, do you remember me?
Your fucking wife.

Ow, Lene.

You fucking dirty fox.
Fuck you!

No one treats me like that.

Everyone made fun of me.

You should be proud
that your mom has 50,000 followers.

Did you see the picture?
You're sick.

Dear, you took a picture of the cake
without wearing any pants.

It's not funny, Dad!