Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 10 - B.S. Skalaen - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

THE B.S. SCALE
Dedicated to Niels Weyde

You've now seen the books,
and I hope you're happy.

Is It the bottom number?
That's a lot of money.

An insane number, isn't it?

I think it looks really good.
It's your best result ever.

And I have extracted profit
to the both of you.

- It's in your accounts.
- Time for a beer.

I see here that there are two numbers.
A Casper number and a Frank number.

Yes, Casper pays the low tax rate,
and you pay the top tax rate.

- Why do I pay the top tax rate?
- Because you're not married.



- Oh, that's why.
- It's crazy that you aren't married.

Why haven't you told me this before?
You might have been proactive ...

It's not my job to tell you
to get married. That's up to you.

Yes, but if you'd told me I could
make money on being married ...

Stop looking at what Casper makes.
Focus on what you're making!

- Everyone compares their salary.
- Well, you should stop doing that.

But we're a tribal animal. You look at
how the other monkeys are doing.

Sure! I compare my life to yours, too,
and I'm completely happy.

But you've taken
the biggest bunch of bananas.

- Learn to climb the tree!
- Your bunch is bigger than most.

I kinda feel like the monkey
of the tribe that gets screwed.

- I think this is fantastic!
- Me, too.

I have another meeting,
so [ have to wrap this up, but ...

I bring gifts!
For you, Casper, the Salt Penguin.



- What is it?
- The Salt Penguin!

And then we have the Pepper Bird.

Wow, that's awesome!
Salt and pepper mills!

- Wow! Thanks!
- Don't mention it.

They're awesome!
Look, Frank. Salt and pepper!

A Pepper Bird and a Salt Penguin.
I really appreciate it.

- See you, Kurt, and thanks again.
- You'll take it from here. Bye.

It's unfathomable
that I don't get a set, too.

You know what it is, right?
Mills shaped as a penguin and a bird.

- Don't you like them?
- Uhm, no, Frank.

- May I have them?
- No.

- Hi, Torben.
- Hi.

Help me carry these inside, will you?
We need the tiles in the garden.

- You have to do it yourself.
- My back is acting up.

- You need to do something about that.
- did.

- Clearly not enough.
- Can't you give me a hand here?

- We'll get them in in no time.
- Okay, but this isn't my department.

Good.

- What's going on?
-Tcan't,

You'll have to manage on your own.

- Are you serious? From here?
- I must rest my back.

Let me get a firm grasp.

- Why did we have to take two?
- It'll go faster that way.

- Go home and lie down then.
- I have to be here.

I'm paid to be here all day.

It's really annoying -

- that Casper gets a Pepper Bird
and a Salt Penguin and we don't.

It's more than that. Kurt isn't
proactive at all. It bugs me.

We could've saved a lot of money
if we'd gotten married years ago.

We could go to city hall today
and get married. There's still time.

- Stop talking nonsense.
- Don't you want to get married?

- I've heard you talking about it.
- Sure, why would you ask about that?

- I have to ask to get an answer!
- I'm not getting married at city hall!

- I want a wedding with cake and ...
- You can have a cake and that's that.

You're so unromantic, Frank.
It's unreal.

I'm off on a swim.
See you later.

The tiles out there, what's going on
with them? They're just lying there.

Yes, it's Torben Gardner. He's come
to a halt. His back is acting up.

- I'm considering firing him.
- No, that would be harsh.

I'm the one who moved the tiles.

If you fire him, you have to do it
in a decent manner,

Yes. I will.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Kurt.

Good news.
No more top tax rate for you.

How so?

I have a client called Michael.
He's a pastor.

He's arranged a paper wedding
and issued a marriage certificate.

- No more top tax rate!
- Come ...

- What?
- A marriage certificate?

He's issued a marriage certificate
for you and Mia -

- so you're married now and won't
have to pay the top tax rate.

- What do you mean we're married?
- He issued a marriage certificate.

And he sent it to the authorities.
They all have it now.

The IRS has it.
So no more top tax rate!

No need to worry about it anymore.
And by the way, congratulations!

How's that for proactive?

It wasn't even that cold.

- Come on, Frank.
- What's going on with him?

You're kinda slow today, old man.

I'm thinking about when Mia
will find out that we got married.

- So get divorced then.
- Then we'll be registered as divorced.

The municipality and the IRS will see
it.

I can't bring myself to tell her
we're married.

I can't even imagine how she'll react.
She might leave me!

Hey, boys, listen up.
I have an idea. It's a bit risky.

-It'sas.
- What's a 5?

I have a scale that reflects
how risky different things are.

The B.S. Scale, you've heard about that.
Many people swear by it.

- IT haven't heard of that scale.
- Come on! The B.S. Scale?

- It measures things' riskiness.
- Okay. So 10 is the most risky?

No, no. 11 is the most risky.

- If you reach 11 ...
- My Norwegian friends follow it.

- You have to get married to Mia ASAP.
- He is married, that's the problem.

Arrange a garden wedding tomorrow.
A surprise wedding.

You get married, and Mia never finds out
that she's married.

She thinks she's getting married, but
she's already married. A fake wedding!

I can't create a princess wedding
by tomorrow!

B.S., can one arrange
a wedding by tomorrow?

I own Danish Balloon Flight Ltd.
We fly tons of couples.

Up in the basket, up into the sky,
kisses, proposal.

- Yes, yes, that's ...
- Romantic as hell.

I can add that I know
that Lene and Seren Rasted -

- at a point in time had this huge
white limo from their Aqua days.

They have shared custody now.
Seren has it on even weeks -

- and Lene has it on odd weeks.
I could ask to borrow it.

You handle the limo. You arrange
the garden. I procure the balloon.

Awesome! All we need is some champagne
and strawberries with chocolate and ...

- That's a fantastic plan!
- Where on the scale are we now?

It's a 4.

Damn, you're the best!

- I'm here.
- You're here?

- Yes, didn't we have a meeting?
- Oh yes. You're fired.

See you later. Or rather, I won't.
But take care.

- You're getting married?
- Yes.

That's just wonderful -

- but as the head of the family I think
you might have asked me for her hand.

But enough about that.
When is the big day?

Tomorrow.
It's a surprise wedding.

But there are preparations.
She dreams of a romantic wedding.

I'll propose to her in a hot air
balloon, drive her in a limousine ...

And you don't think tomorrow
Is a bit rushed?

Maybe you could help. Your
chitter-chatter doesn't do much.

- Would you tell the rest of the family?
- And what about the pastor?

- That's uhm ...
- We usually use Pastor Haargaard.

- Yes, but it won't be Haargaard.
- It won't be our family pastor?

- It'll be Michael, a friend of mine.
- What's his last name?

- Michael ... what?
- Michael what?

- Michael Pastor.
- That sounds a bit odd.

- Accountant firm Kurt.
- I'm doing a quick wedding.

I need you to get hold of the pastor
who issued the wedding certificate.

And it has to be fast, Kurt.
It's tomorrow.

No problem.
He'll probably charge you 5000.

It's not about the money anymore,
but rather about not being found out.

No, we're having a party, Andreas.
I'm about to order the cake. Bye.

- For how many?
- However many we can rustle up.

- It sort of determines the size.
- About 30 or 40.

Hi. I need something that will suit
a middle-aged lady.

Andreas, I'm at the florist
right now ...

Hello.

Hi, Andreas. Don't stick your nose in.
Focus on finding guests.

Morning, kids.
Remember to dress up.

- We'll change later.
- Remember to let in the guests.

- Yes, and we'll prepare everything.
- Have you seen the basket?

- You didn't pilfer anything, did you?
- No, no.

- Hello.
- Shh!

Damn, you look great!
Ready?

The limo's here, Wanna see it?
Come on.

- What!
- Whoa!

- Damn, it's cool.
- It's just ... Lene wants to drive.

So she ... Lene will drive you.

- So Lene is coming along?
- Yes, she wants to drive it.

- Surprise!
- Wow.

Yes, there's oomph in that.

Hi, Mia.

Hi, honey!
This is your Princess Day!

We're having a Princess Day for you.
Yes, this is Team Romantica.

Team Romantica, ta-dah!

- Honey!
- Yes.

Did you arrange a romantic day?

You said I wasn't romantic,
so [ thought I'd show you.

Frank!

- See you later, okay?
- Yes, kids. Bye.

And thanks for all your help.

Your Highness.

I'm speechless, Casper.

Wow, Lene ...

- It's elegant.
- Elegant. Elegant ...

I'm riding up front
just in case Lene gets carried away.

- Did she start drinking again?
- Did she ever stop? I'm on it, Frank.

Aw, how lovely, honey.

- Cheers. I love this.
- And it gets even better.

- What is this?
- Look.

No way!

- Welcome.
- No, no, no!

- Mia, you're going up in the balloon!
- Hi, Mia.

How romantic is this?

- Okay, ready?
- Yes, we are. And excited.

But the wind is picking up,
so I'll go get some coats.

- Thank you. It's very alive, B.S.
- Yes, easy now.

- Cheers. I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Congratulations!
- No, Kurt! Kurt!

- Wait, wait! Hold that.
- What are you doing, Frank?

I need to have a word with him.
Kurt! Why are you here?

- To congratulate you on the wedding.
- Kurt! I haven't proposed yet.

Get in the car. Get in the car!

I just came with some presents.

Casper hinted
that you were disappointed -

- so I thought you should have
the Salt Penguin, too.

- Okay.
- And the Pepper Bird. Congratulations.

You've been proactive more than once
now, and it's time to be inactive.

She's taking off.

- Frank? Frank!
- Mia! B.S.!

Help! No, no, no!
Get it down!

- Don't worry!
- Help! Help!

Didn't I tell you to stay in the basket?
You're ballast! You're the ballast!

No one told me that!

- What do we do, B.S.?
- You look thirsty.

- Thank you. Cheers.
- B.S. what do we do?

- No harm done.
- Well, she's up in the air!

- Yeah, we'll she's supposed to be.
- Not alone!

Right. But that's because
you jumped out.

I jumped out because
you shouted congratulations!

- No need to jump out for that.
- It's a surprise wedding!

I'm sure I can catch up to her
in this one.

- You can't drive upwards.
- It's really fast.

Stop! Catching up to her changes nothing
if she's up there.

Lene, you can't catch a thing.
I'm calculating the wind direction.

If she drifts to Kastrup Airport,
an F16 will shoot her down.

- But she hasn't done anything.
- So this is about damage control.

No one knows besides us.
Frank go home to your family -

- and make sure they don't catch on,
and carry on with the party.

- I'll call you when I have Mia.
- My phone is in the air balloon.

- Call me.
- By the way, we're at an 8 now.

An 8?
We've never been on an 8 before!

- When Mia's back down, we're at 5.
- Yes, I'd say 4.

- Go, go!
- I'll get that.

Mine.

- Ready?
- No.

Come on. Game face. Come on, Lene.
Go give the performance of your life.

- No one knows!
- We need to win seconds now, right?

- Where's Mia?
- She'll be here later.

- It's lovely to see you.
- Cheers!

- But where is she?
- She's at ... the hairdresser's.

- At the hairdresser's?
- She wanted to freshen up.

But it's wonderful to see you all.

Erik. Mads.

- You must be Michael Pastor.
- Hello.

Hi, it's good to see you.
Casper, have you heard from B.S.?

B.S. wrote that we should just carry on
with the party.

Absolutely.
The B.S. way!

- Cheers,
- Cheers,

- Cheers!
- To Frank and Mia!

- Hip hip! Hip hip!
- Cheers,

Yes, cheers.

Use a glass, sweetie, okay?

What is Torben Gardner doing here?

- Tinvited him.
- You invited Torben?

You asked me to invite friends
and family, so I invited Torben.

- He's neither friend nor family.
- He's a friend of the family.

- Ifired him.
- You fired Torben?

- Listen, listen. It's Mia!
- No, don't answer that!

It was Mia.

- Yes, and it's good that Mia calls.
- She's calling her mother.

Yes, but don't answer it, because
I'm afraid you're gonna give it away.

- It's a surprise wedding.
- I won't say anything.

No, no, but she'll hear it
in your voice. You're too excited.

She's calling me now.
She's calling my phone.

Don't answer it, Mads.
No one answers their phone!

- Good idea! Nice thinking.
- Everything goes through me.

- She mustn't know. It's a surprise!
- Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Hello? I just talked to Mia.

- You weren't supposed to answer!
- But she called me.

- Did you talk to her?
- Yes.

- She said ...
- Don't say anything! Forget about it!

No one's interested!

She said she's in the hospital because
she crashed in a hot air balloon.

- No, no, no.
- She's down! Woohoo!

But why did you fall
and where?

It was in Hgje Taastrup.
The balloon got caught on a tree.

That place makes it so much worse.
There's a lot of gang crime.

- Do you have a concussion?
- No.

We're at a 3 now.

A3.

- Did you have a wedding cake, too?
- Yes, in your favorite colors.

There were garden lamps, and everything
was lined up for a huge party.

Hi, I'm Nikolaj, and I'm your doctor.

You took quite a beating. Your vitals
look just fine. Mia Hvam, right?

- No, it's Mia Christensen.
- Yes, it's Christensen.

- Is this your social security number?
- Yes.

That's odd ...

We get our information
from the National Register.

- Maybe you're getting us mixed up.
- This shouldn't happen.

- Butit is your number?
- Yes.

- Feel better.
- Thank you for excellent care.

- Frank, why is her name Mia Hvam?
- I'don't know.

I've been in the health service for 30
years, and that mistake doesn't happen.

Her name is Mia Christensen.

Casper?

What?

- Something is way off.
- Are you up to something?

Okay, I'm out.

You got married yesterday.

Frank wanted to avoid paying
the top tax rate.

- And I have a balloon flight at 3.
- I knew there was something.

- Did you know, Casper?
- No.

- Frank, this is so typical of you.
- Was it just a fake wedding?

Well?

It was a wedding with a different timing
in relation to the legal aspect.

- We actually got some nice things.
- Some very nice things.

- Who's the Pepper Bird from?
- Kurt.

- Did we get two?
- Yes.

- What?
- This is the one Kurt gave Casper.

- Well, it's still ...
- I'm happy we got married.

Are you ready
to help me dig up the ivy?

- Can't you grasp a simple message?
- Yes, but we need to dig it up.

- But you were fired, Torben.
- No, I rehired him.

Torben, would you like some coffee?
Frank will see to the ivy.

And the weather Is terrible.
Come inside.

- Go dig it up.
- What?

Go dig it up.

- Milk and sugar, Torben?
- Sugar, please.

Yes. And help yourself
to the strawberries, Torben.

- Hey, Seren. How are things?
- Great, thanks, and you?

- Was it difficult to drive?
- Nah, it was fine. The keys.

- Do you have time for a beer?
- Yes.

And on that note, could you help me
with a little something?

Lene got totally wasted,
and I couldn't carry her inside.

So I thought she'd eventually show up,
but she's sleeping it off there.

With the Sun it's kinda hot in there.
Will you give me a hand?

Sure.

And around ... damn.
It's impossible.

We can't carry her.
Let's put her over there.

Over there in the grass. That way
you can't see her from the street.

There.
We'll have to carry her in increments.

Let's go have a beer ...

- We'll get her ...
- Yeah, we'll get her afterwards.