Klovn (2005–2021): Season 6, Episode 9 - Dilettanterne - full transcript
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---
AMATEUR THEATRE
Beautiful horses,
aren't they, honey?
- I think it's the mare selection.
- Too bad that Iben couldn't come.
- Well, it is quite a long way.
- Did she have something else on?
- No.
- Okay...
Mia and me think that moving out here
was the best thing we've ever done.
How long do you want to stay?
I think we should go home soon.
Already? We haven't been
to any competitions yet.
- I want to go home.
- Shall we go, Casper?
- Maybe one more beer?
- Yes, we've got a few left.
- That's right.
- Do you want me to come?
If you want to stay
I'll just go home alone.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Have fun.
- Just say so, if we have to go.
- We're staying.
- Well, if...
- I don't know...
- We don't have to go home, do we?
- I'm just tired of being here.
- Then go.
- Bye.
- Sorry about Iben, but it's true.
- We'll come after the selection.
- That's it, man!
- I need something stronger.
- We're gonna have a snifter.
- A double whammy.
Oh, no!
This is really you. Look.
I'm buying.
There you go.
Gangway.
That's it, Frank.
Further!
- One more, one more.
- You're useless.
- Stop it, Frank. What are you like?
- All right.
- So people will say...
- There's the fifty-fifty cow.
Right. "A fifty-fifty cow.
What are they up to now? "
"Hello, Nordisk Film." And we've
just brought a cow along.
- It's fucking great, Frank.
- Really good.
Brilliant. Cheers.
Frank? Frank!
- Hi, honey.
- Why is there a cow on our lawn?
- We bought it.
- I don't want a bloody cow!
- It's Casper's cow, and mine.
- What were you thinking?
It's a fifty-fifty cow.
For PR purposes.
To promote our company and stuff.
Goodness me.
It's a bit messy, isn't it?
- Who peed on the bath mat?
- I don't think it was me.
Can I use this?
I've got to milk the cow.
I think it's in pain.
There's a lot of milk.
It's quite fun, actually.
- I'm off. Talk to you later.
- We have to milk the cow.
- You're doing that.
- We have to share.
- It's a communal cow.
- Well, it's yours now.
Oh, no!
You're going to have to
get on top of that, Frank.
- We have to milk the cow together.
- I don't drink milk. Why should I?
Don't be stupid. I can't have it.
You live in the country.
Have fun, Frank.
That's just shabby, that is!
He's a drunk driver,
I'm telling you.
Casper and Iben were going to come.
But Iben felt it was too far away.
Then they got drunk.
I just feel so lonely.
- I regret that we moved.
- You mustn't, sweetheart.
Yes, well... I'll call you later.
Give my love to Daddy.
Okay, bye.
- What was that all about?
- Nothing.
- Are you having second thoughts?
- I'm sad because no one ever comes.
- Casper has just been to visit.
- Yes, but Iben couldn't be bothered.
We've only lived here for a month,
honey. Let's not get carried away.
We have to give it a chance.
- We'll make new friends.
- Our neighbour is 75 years old.
So she's got life experience.
Take the amateur theatre group.
If we get into that,
we'll meet loads of people.
- Do you think I can manage that?
- As well as the others.
I'd like to start with the cast list.
Our funny man and groom, Severinsen,
that's you, Henning.
Then there's our lead: B?rge Thomsen,
farmer and deputy mayor.
I've decided
to give that to you, Frank.
It's a wonderful part. I'm looking
forward to working with you on that.
B?rge's wife Beate Thomsen, -
- the lovely Beate Thomsen, who
unfortunately suffers from amnesia.
- She will be played by Tove.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- No, I'm the stage electrician.
- That's Gitte. This is Tove.
- Hi!
- Tove will be playing the part.
Gitte deals with the lighting,
and we're really happy with that.
The only thing left on our to-do list
is a welding torch.
That's right.
For the lighting stands.
So if you know anyone
who has one...
Shall we begin?
Yes, Mia?
- What will I be playing?
- You are the prompt.
I've chosen you for that part.
So if you could read the stage
directions on Frank's script...
Thanks, that was nice.
Sorry about the mix-up.
- No problem.
- He said you were pretty, you see.
About this welding thingy:
I may be able to get one.
- Do you have one?
- We may have one in the attic.
- Otherwise I'll work something out.
- Great. Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- That was quick.
- We don't have a welding torch.
- We can always find one.
- Hey...
- Have you lost anything?
- No, I always check for cats.
I ran one over once.
But I can't see any, so...
- Then you're good to go. See you.
- Yeah, bye.
Hello.
I'm your neighbour.
I just wanted to say hello.
- Poul.
- Hello. I'm Frank.
- I can see you have a cow.
- Yeah, big mistake.
I bought it at the cattle show
when I was pissed.
I wanted to ask you if you would
like to come round for dinner?
- That would be great.
- Shall we say about seven?
See you then.
So I offered to help
with a welding torch.
I looked it up on the Internet
and found out they cost 10,000.
- It's typical of you.
- Kindness is costly.
- You could borrow mine.
- Do you have a welding torch?
That would be great.
You won't get any money.
- He'll be thanked in the programme.
- Yes, that's right.
- Great.
- Let's drink to that.
- Cheers.
- Cheers. And welcome.
- Damn, this is good.
- Damn good, Poul, I must say.
I've been thinking of brewing
my own. What do you say?
- Everybody does.
- I'm up for one barrel.
- That would be great.
- Did you find it?
- You should check the loo.
- What?
Go to the toilet now.
- I have to take a leak.
- It's out there on the left.
- That was quick. Eh, Frank?
- Yeah...
- I think we should be going.
- I was about to open another bottle.
I have to get up early,
so we'd better be off.
- That's okay.
- Thanks. It's been nice.
By the way, Frank.
Remember the welding torch.
- This is so sweet of you.
- It's a professional one.
- I'll say!
- Great, Frank.
I think this calls for
a round of applause.
- Terrific!
- We didn't have one ourselves.
- So we borrowed this.
- Borrowed it?
Not from the blacksmith, did you?
Because he's a Nazi,
so we don't socialize with him.
- No, no.
- That's good.
We can't write a thank you in the
programme for someone like that.
Of course not.
- So who did you it borrow it from?
- From my father-in-law.
- What does he do?
- He's a locksmith.
Lovely. So we have to thank
your father-in-law in the programme.
- What's his name?
- Ole. Ole Christensen.
Could we have some quiet, please?
And... action.
Good morning.
How are my lasses this morning?
You seem to be in very high spirits.
I suppose you slept well.
"By the way, we have to..."
"By the way, we have to buy paint."
By the way, we have to buy paint...
for the barn.
- Don't you think it needs painting?
- I don't think I have the time.
I've got so much to do.
- Your turn.
- Come on, come on!
- It's not Mia's fault.
- "Yes, do that, B?rge."
Thank you. That was really good.
Marvelous.
- It was excellent.
- Could we rehearse with the script?
- So everybody knows their lines.
- We don't normally do that.
- It's important to know our lines.
- Let's take a break.
You're really believable as a couple.
Really.
Tove is no good.
- She doesn't know her lines.
- It's just because she's not pretty.
- That's what annoys you.
- It's got nothing to do with that.
- Yes, it has.
- It's because she's a disaster.
It's madness having such a big mama
play a beautiful, young girl.
And she doesn't know her lines.
I want her off the production.
Maybe you should not give her cues.
Ejnar has to see how crap she is.
You cued her so well
that no one noticed.
- My neck hurts from that box.
- The show will be better for it.
I promise.
- And action.
- How are my lasses this morning?
I haven't slept a wink.
You were snoring terribly, B?rge.
I never noticed. And when it comes
to snoring, you're no slouch either.
- Go on.
- It's Tove.
- I need some help.
- She can't keep reading for you.
- I just need a bit of help.
- It's fine. Just keep going...
We should try without a prompt,
because the premiere is tomorrow.
Yes... Just carry on.
I'll pick up the thread :
I never noticed.
But I'll tell Severinsen.
He's coming later today.
All right, Tove,
just continue from there.
- So you'll come home and do your...
- That's not how the line goes.
- It isn't?
- No.
- Mia, do you know where we...
- Let's take a break, Ejnar.
Good idea.
- Have you got a minute?
- Of course.
Isn't this the time
to make a big decision -
- and change the lead roles?
- We can still save the show.
- I can't.
If I take people off,
they won't come to the shop.
- You're the bloody director!
- I'm also the supermarket manager.
You have to separate the two.
Or you shouldn't be the director.
We have a player
who doesn't rehearse.
She doesn't know any of her lines.
You must take the consequences.
I don't want to do it.
I have to play with these people.
- You'll have to take the heat.
- I'll do it.
Right...
I feel I have to tell you something.
I feel the need to tell you that
I think it's going brilliantly.
But I guess you can all hear
that there is a but.
I think Frank would like to
say something about that.
- You're the director.
- Yes, nobody here doubts that.
But... it's also important
that everybody is heard.
- So...
- Fine, then I'll say it.
Tove doesn't know her lines.
We have to find someone else.
Come on,
we're only doing this for fun.
I can't have fun when someone doesn't
know their lines. She's hopeless.
- So who should play Beate instead?
- I don't know!
It could be anyone. Like Gitte.
The rest of you already have parts.
I'm going to cut to the chase,
because that's what I'm here for.
I would say that the best choice
for the part of Beate is you, Tove.
I really think so. You are.
- What do we say? Can we do it?
- Yes, we can!
Well, we did what we could.
Bye now.
- Why did you suggest Gitte?
- I don't know.
So you could flirt with her
while I sat there in the prompt box.
- I don't flirt, honey.
- That's why you suggested her.
No! I was under a lot of pressure.
I just picked a random name.
What a to-do, just because I want
to the raise the artistic level.
What happened?
What's going on?
You drove over her foot, Frank!
Could somebody get some ice?
- For fuck's sake.
- What were you doing down there?
Call an ambulance.
And get some ice.
- You know I always check for cats!
- She was checking for cats.
Oh, dear...
Is your foot getting better, Tove?
- Hello, Ejnar.
- Can I put William somewhere?
You can put him upstairs.
Right, the little store manager
is sound asleep.
Little man.
Right, I just wanted to say:
Tonight's the night.
Are you nervous?
It's been exciting. And I
really feel sorry for you, Tove.
- Thanks.
- But I'm sure Gitte will do great.
- I'll do my best. I've got help.
- Just believe in it, my friends.
- Then everything will be just fine.
- Excuse me. Hello?
- Hello, Mum...
- I just want to say:
- Can we do it?
- Yes, we can!
I just want to be out of earshot.
The amateur play opens tonight,
so we've got a houseful of yokels.
I'm so fed up with
living in the country.
They're a bunch of
thick village idiots.
They're all horrid.
And Frank is just lording it.
The other day we borrowed a welder
from a man who is a Nazi...
I'd better go back down.
Love to Daddy. Bye.
- Sorry. That was my mother.
- You came through on the babyphone.
- The babyphone, honey.
- What?
They heard everything you said.
Mia has been a bit upset
about moving to the countryside.
Hi, Frank.
- Frank!
- Yes?
- I've brought back the welder.
- That's all right. Come over here.
- I'm in a bit of a hurry, Poul.
- Come over here anyway.
I was just looking through
the programme for your play.
It looks good.
"B?rge Thomsen : Frank Hvam."
Here it says: "A big thanks
to Ole for the welding torch."
- That's right.
- So I'm wondering who Ole is.
- He's my father-in-law.
- Did you borrow the torch from him?
- No. But I didn't say it was yours.
- Why not?
It's kind of heavy,
the stuff you're into.
- People hate you being a Nazi.
- So what?
Well, I kind of understand them.
- What about the Jews?
- Yes, that was a terrible thing.
But there were a lot of other people
who were killed in that war, Frank.
- We're talking 6 million people.
- But the welding torch was all fine?
- I'm not trying to be a smart alec.
- Go on, have a beer.
Which one do you prefer?
The light one, isn't it?
- Cheers, Frank.
- Cheers.
- What do you think?
- It's really good.
Fuck!
It's Frank, that fucking idiot.
- That's not Frank.
- No, it's his cow.
- What did he put it here for?
- It's a fifty-fifty cow.
---
AMATEUR THEATRE
Beautiful horses,
aren't they, honey?
- I think it's the mare selection.
- Too bad that Iben couldn't come.
- Well, it is quite a long way.
- Did she have something else on?
- No.
- Okay...
Mia and me think that moving out here
was the best thing we've ever done.
How long do you want to stay?
I think we should go home soon.
Already? We haven't been
to any competitions yet.
- I want to go home.
- Shall we go, Casper?
- Maybe one more beer?
- Yes, we've got a few left.
- That's right.
- Do you want me to come?
If you want to stay
I'll just go home alone.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Have fun.
- Just say so, if we have to go.
- We're staying.
- Well, if...
- I don't know...
- We don't have to go home, do we?
- I'm just tired of being here.
- Then go.
- Bye.
- Sorry about Iben, but it's true.
- We'll come after the selection.
- That's it, man!
- I need something stronger.
- We're gonna have a snifter.
- A double whammy.
Oh, no!
This is really you. Look.
I'm buying.
There you go.
Gangway.
That's it, Frank.
Further!
- One more, one more.
- You're useless.
- Stop it, Frank. What are you like?
- All right.
- So people will say...
- There's the fifty-fifty cow.
Right. "A fifty-fifty cow.
What are they up to now? "
"Hello, Nordisk Film." And we've
just brought a cow along.
- It's fucking great, Frank.
- Really good.
Brilliant. Cheers.
Frank? Frank!
- Hi, honey.
- Why is there a cow on our lawn?
- We bought it.
- I don't want a bloody cow!
- It's Casper's cow, and mine.
- What were you thinking?
It's a fifty-fifty cow.
For PR purposes.
To promote our company and stuff.
Goodness me.
It's a bit messy, isn't it?
- Who peed on the bath mat?
- I don't think it was me.
Can I use this?
I've got to milk the cow.
I think it's in pain.
There's a lot of milk.
It's quite fun, actually.
- I'm off. Talk to you later.
- We have to milk the cow.
- You're doing that.
- We have to share.
- It's a communal cow.
- Well, it's yours now.
Oh, no!
You're going to have to
get on top of that, Frank.
- We have to milk the cow together.
- I don't drink milk. Why should I?
Don't be stupid. I can't have it.
You live in the country.
Have fun, Frank.
That's just shabby, that is!
He's a drunk driver,
I'm telling you.
Casper and Iben were going to come.
But Iben felt it was too far away.
Then they got drunk.
I just feel so lonely.
- I regret that we moved.
- You mustn't, sweetheart.
Yes, well... I'll call you later.
Give my love to Daddy.
Okay, bye.
- What was that all about?
- Nothing.
- Are you having second thoughts?
- I'm sad because no one ever comes.
- Casper has just been to visit.
- Yes, but Iben couldn't be bothered.
We've only lived here for a month,
honey. Let's not get carried away.
We have to give it a chance.
- We'll make new friends.
- Our neighbour is 75 years old.
So she's got life experience.
Take the amateur theatre group.
If we get into that,
we'll meet loads of people.
- Do you think I can manage that?
- As well as the others.
I'd like to start with the cast list.
Our funny man and groom, Severinsen,
that's you, Henning.
Then there's our lead: B?rge Thomsen,
farmer and deputy mayor.
I've decided
to give that to you, Frank.
It's a wonderful part. I'm looking
forward to working with you on that.
B?rge's wife Beate Thomsen, -
- the lovely Beate Thomsen, who
unfortunately suffers from amnesia.
- She will be played by Tove.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- No, I'm the stage electrician.
- That's Gitte. This is Tove.
- Hi!
- Tove will be playing the part.
Gitte deals with the lighting,
and we're really happy with that.
The only thing left on our to-do list
is a welding torch.
That's right.
For the lighting stands.
So if you know anyone
who has one...
Shall we begin?
Yes, Mia?
- What will I be playing?
- You are the prompt.
I've chosen you for that part.
So if you could read the stage
directions on Frank's script...
Thanks, that was nice.
Sorry about the mix-up.
- No problem.
- He said you were pretty, you see.
About this welding thingy:
I may be able to get one.
- Do you have one?
- We may have one in the attic.
- Otherwise I'll work something out.
- Great. Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- That was quick.
- We don't have a welding torch.
- We can always find one.
- Hey...
- Have you lost anything?
- No, I always check for cats.
I ran one over once.
But I can't see any, so...
- Then you're good to go. See you.
- Yeah, bye.
Hello.
I'm your neighbour.
I just wanted to say hello.
- Poul.
- Hello. I'm Frank.
- I can see you have a cow.
- Yeah, big mistake.
I bought it at the cattle show
when I was pissed.
I wanted to ask you if you would
like to come round for dinner?
- That would be great.
- Shall we say about seven?
See you then.
So I offered to help
with a welding torch.
I looked it up on the Internet
and found out they cost 10,000.
- It's typical of you.
- Kindness is costly.
- You could borrow mine.
- Do you have a welding torch?
That would be great.
You won't get any money.
- He'll be thanked in the programme.
- Yes, that's right.
- Great.
- Let's drink to that.
- Cheers.
- Cheers. And welcome.
- Damn, this is good.
- Damn good, Poul, I must say.
I've been thinking of brewing
my own. What do you say?
- Everybody does.
- I'm up for one barrel.
- That would be great.
- Did you find it?
- You should check the loo.
- What?
Go to the toilet now.
- I have to take a leak.
- It's out there on the left.
- That was quick. Eh, Frank?
- Yeah...
- I think we should be going.
- I was about to open another bottle.
I have to get up early,
so we'd better be off.
- That's okay.
- Thanks. It's been nice.
By the way, Frank.
Remember the welding torch.
- This is so sweet of you.
- It's a professional one.
- I'll say!
- Great, Frank.
I think this calls for
a round of applause.
- Terrific!
- We didn't have one ourselves.
- So we borrowed this.
- Borrowed it?
Not from the blacksmith, did you?
Because he's a Nazi,
so we don't socialize with him.
- No, no.
- That's good.
We can't write a thank you in the
programme for someone like that.
Of course not.
- So who did you it borrow it from?
- From my father-in-law.
- What does he do?
- He's a locksmith.
Lovely. So we have to thank
your father-in-law in the programme.
- What's his name?
- Ole. Ole Christensen.
Could we have some quiet, please?
And... action.
Good morning.
How are my lasses this morning?
You seem to be in very high spirits.
I suppose you slept well.
"By the way, we have to..."
"By the way, we have to buy paint."
By the way, we have to buy paint...
for the barn.
- Don't you think it needs painting?
- I don't think I have the time.
I've got so much to do.
- Your turn.
- Come on, come on!
- It's not Mia's fault.
- "Yes, do that, B?rge."
Thank you. That was really good.
Marvelous.
- It was excellent.
- Could we rehearse with the script?
- So everybody knows their lines.
- We don't normally do that.
- It's important to know our lines.
- Let's take a break.
You're really believable as a couple.
Really.
Tove is no good.
- She doesn't know her lines.
- It's just because she's not pretty.
- That's what annoys you.
- It's got nothing to do with that.
- Yes, it has.
- It's because she's a disaster.
It's madness having such a big mama
play a beautiful, young girl.
And she doesn't know her lines.
I want her off the production.
Maybe you should not give her cues.
Ejnar has to see how crap she is.
You cued her so well
that no one noticed.
- My neck hurts from that box.
- The show will be better for it.
I promise.
- And action.
- How are my lasses this morning?
I haven't slept a wink.
You were snoring terribly, B?rge.
I never noticed. And when it comes
to snoring, you're no slouch either.
- Go on.
- It's Tove.
- I need some help.
- She can't keep reading for you.
- I just need a bit of help.
- It's fine. Just keep going...
We should try without a prompt,
because the premiere is tomorrow.
Yes... Just carry on.
I'll pick up the thread :
I never noticed.
But I'll tell Severinsen.
He's coming later today.
All right, Tove,
just continue from there.
- So you'll come home and do your...
- That's not how the line goes.
- It isn't?
- No.
- Mia, do you know where we...
- Let's take a break, Ejnar.
Good idea.
- Have you got a minute?
- Of course.
Isn't this the time
to make a big decision -
- and change the lead roles?
- We can still save the show.
- I can't.
If I take people off,
they won't come to the shop.
- You're the bloody director!
- I'm also the supermarket manager.
You have to separate the two.
Or you shouldn't be the director.
We have a player
who doesn't rehearse.
She doesn't know any of her lines.
You must take the consequences.
I don't want to do it.
I have to play with these people.
- You'll have to take the heat.
- I'll do it.
Right...
I feel I have to tell you something.
I feel the need to tell you that
I think it's going brilliantly.
But I guess you can all hear
that there is a but.
I think Frank would like to
say something about that.
- You're the director.
- Yes, nobody here doubts that.
But... it's also important
that everybody is heard.
- So...
- Fine, then I'll say it.
Tove doesn't know her lines.
We have to find someone else.
Come on,
we're only doing this for fun.
I can't have fun when someone doesn't
know their lines. She's hopeless.
- So who should play Beate instead?
- I don't know!
It could be anyone. Like Gitte.
The rest of you already have parts.
I'm going to cut to the chase,
because that's what I'm here for.
I would say that the best choice
for the part of Beate is you, Tove.
I really think so. You are.
- What do we say? Can we do it?
- Yes, we can!
Well, we did what we could.
Bye now.
- Why did you suggest Gitte?
- I don't know.
So you could flirt with her
while I sat there in the prompt box.
- I don't flirt, honey.
- That's why you suggested her.
No! I was under a lot of pressure.
I just picked a random name.
What a to-do, just because I want
to the raise the artistic level.
What happened?
What's going on?
You drove over her foot, Frank!
Could somebody get some ice?
- For fuck's sake.
- What were you doing down there?
Call an ambulance.
And get some ice.
- You know I always check for cats!
- She was checking for cats.
Oh, dear...
Is your foot getting better, Tove?
- Hello, Ejnar.
- Can I put William somewhere?
You can put him upstairs.
Right, the little store manager
is sound asleep.
Little man.
Right, I just wanted to say:
Tonight's the night.
Are you nervous?
It's been exciting. And I
really feel sorry for you, Tove.
- Thanks.
- But I'm sure Gitte will do great.
- I'll do my best. I've got help.
- Just believe in it, my friends.
- Then everything will be just fine.
- Excuse me. Hello?
- Hello, Mum...
- I just want to say:
- Can we do it?
- Yes, we can!
I just want to be out of earshot.
The amateur play opens tonight,
so we've got a houseful of yokels.
I'm so fed up with
living in the country.
They're a bunch of
thick village idiots.
They're all horrid.
And Frank is just lording it.
The other day we borrowed a welder
from a man who is a Nazi...
I'd better go back down.
Love to Daddy. Bye.
- Sorry. That was my mother.
- You came through on the babyphone.
- The babyphone, honey.
- What?
They heard everything you said.
Mia has been a bit upset
about moving to the countryside.
Hi, Frank.
- Frank!
- Yes?
- I've brought back the welder.
- That's all right. Come over here.
- I'm in a bit of a hurry, Poul.
- Come over here anyway.
I was just looking through
the programme for your play.
It looks good.
"B?rge Thomsen : Frank Hvam."
Here it says: "A big thanks
to Ole for the welding torch."
- That's right.
- So I'm wondering who Ole is.
- He's my father-in-law.
- Did you borrow the torch from him?
- No. But I didn't say it was yours.
- Why not?
It's kind of heavy,
the stuff you're into.
- People hate you being a Nazi.
- So what?
Well, I kind of understand them.
- What about the Jews?
- Yes, that was a terrible thing.
But there were a lot of other people
who were killed in that war, Frank.
- We're talking 6 million people.
- But the welding torch was all fine?
- I'm not trying to be a smart alec.
- Go on, have a beer.
Which one do you prefer?
The light one, isn't it?
- Cheers, Frank.
- Cheers.
- What do you think?
- It's really good.
Fuck!
It's Frank, that fucking idiot.
- That's not Frank.
- No, it's his cow.
- What did he put it here for?
- It's a fifty-fifty cow.