Klovn (2005–2021): Season 6, Episode 8 - Et knus for et krus - full transcript
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---
A HUG FOR A MUG
Hi, honey.
- What are you doing with the bags?
- They keep falling down.
This is Ditte.
She's going to replace Susan.
- Hi. You're going to work here?
- Yes. This is my daughter.
You're a godsend.
I've been messing things up here.
- It's not really your field.
- Oh, no.
- Don't touch anything.
- Can I have it?
- Would you like the strawberry mug?
- Yes.
You can have it.
It's a present from me.
- What do you say, then?
- 1000 kroner, please.
- Thanks.
- A mug for a hug...
- Lucky you.
- She's really sweet.
- Where are you going?
- Over to Casper's.
Don't forget we're picking up
Patrick after hours.
- Sure. Have a nice day.
- You, too.
- I wanted a quick word with you.
- Yes, you said.
- You know I enjoy working with you.
- Me, too.
But our classic Casper-Frank teamwork
has been lying by for a while.
Yes, it's been on standby.
So I had a little chat with Rune
from The Angora Boys.
- Which one is that?
- The chubby one.
He knows Simon Kvamm.
- Is Simon going to be in it as well?
- Yes, I think so. And Esben.
Well, that's The Angora Boys,
then. From the TV series.
They've worked together before,
that's true.
- Are you going to be a guest star?
- It's the cycling team sketch.
They want me to look at the script
and act a part in it.
- Do you want to?
- Well, we haven't been doing much.
No.
But I thought you liked that.
- I don't like you being depressed.
- I'm better now. Much better.
- You're not dressed. It's 1 pm.
- Yes, I am. I'm wearing shorts.
I haven't felt this good
for a long time.
If you want to go with
The Angora Boys, be my guest.
But think about it,
because I've got the idea.
I haven't been idle for six months.
It's on all the time up here.
What is it?
Could you give me
just a couple of days?
- And keep them off for two days?
- Yes, sure.
If you can do that, I'll make you
say "screw The Angora Boys".
"Fuck them and their crap!"
And then you'll go with my idea.
- Just you and me.
- So good old Capper is back?
- Is it television?
- It... I'm not saying any more.
God, I'm sweating.
I was so nervous about telling you.
But I'm glad you're back.
Say hi to Mia.
Two days, Frank.
- I'm pleased. You will be as well.
- I'm looking forward to it.
If Casper is on top
he does quality stuff.
- Are you listening?
- Yeah. He should be coming now.
- Hi, Mia.
- Hi, Patrick.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Patrick. Welcome.
I'm really excited
about Casper's project, honey.
- Watch your finger...
- Mia?
Are you listening?
Casper's back. It's so cool.
I might cancel The Angora Boys.
Honey...
- Mia..!
- What is it?
I'm telling you I'm so happy
that Casper is in a good mood.
- And I said that's fine.
- You don't care at all.
- You're just eating a stupid crisp.
- Whoops!
- What's out here?
- Take a deep breath.
Can you smell the sea?
And the money and the success?
Can you smell
Copenhagen Showboat?
Come. This is the project.
Come and have a look.
- It's a restaurant.
- Right now, yeah.
- We'll turn it into a comedy club.
- Okay.
Why don't you get all the money
when you perform?
And why not earn money
when the others perform?
Go to the stand-up guys and say:
"Come to Copenhagen Showboat."
"Yeah, I'd love to."
People from HBO will come.
They want to know what's
happening in Europe. They love it.
- A comedy club is not a bad idea.
- Exactly! There isn't one.
Well, there's "Duckpower".
That's for people from the suburbs.
This will be international elite.
- VIP...
- It's not bad.
- It's fantastic. Do you like it?
- Yeah, I do.
Actually, it's a bloody good idea.
It really is.
- I told you I was back.
- You are.
Screw The Angora Boys...
It's Copenhagen Showboat!
Hi, honey.
We're boat owners now.
Do you hear?
We own a showboat.
We're having a bath, Frank.
We bought a showboat.
In a central location.
- I think it'll be excellent.
- Hi.
- Do you want something to drink?
- Yes, please.
- Have you been in together?
- Yes, just a quick bath.
He's had his share of adventure
then, seeing you naked.
- Stop it.
- It's better than Tivoli.
Go and sit in the lounge.
There's the tit carousel
and the fanny train...
He's just turned 11. We've been
bathing together since he was a baby.
There's a difference between
a child and an 11-year-old.
- He's sexually mature now.
- Come on...
- Will you do it when he's 35?
- No. He's just a little boy.
Tell me about the boat.
What's happening?
- Stop it, darling.
- Why can't you see it?
- Have you had a bad day?
- No, I've had a great day.
I come home to tell you about it and
find you bathing with an adolescent.
No, no. He's only 11.
Wipe that sour look off your face.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Frank Hvam!
- Hi. Good to see you.
- I'm going to make it short.
First of all, thanks for the offer.
It sounded great on the phone.
Unfortunately,
something's come up.
I've been offered this big project.
So I have to say thank you,
but no, thank you.
- You've heard the whole thing?
- Yes.
It sounds really funny.
I'd love to work with you.
The idea was to make
The Angora Boys a four-man act.
We've just not been able
to find the right guy.
- It's The Beatles...
- Maybe we could move the shoot.
This is a long-term thing. We hope
it'll take off internationally.
- Is it a solo project?
- No, there's a few more people.
- Who are you doing it with?
- Casper.
- Oh, right.
- I thought you two were history?
We've been lying low
for a while. But we're back.
You mean, while he's been...
Well, he hasn't been
mentally ill, exactly...
Yes. Otherwise you don't
grow a beard that size.
- But that's your choice.
- I'm sorry, guys.
Sorry to take your time.
I'm a big fan of your work.
You're really funny.
You've got some great characters.
Esben... and Simon,
you pull the whole thing together.
- Damn! It could've been good.
- I give this to all celebrities.
- "Stop Prostitution".
- I support their cause.
- The girls must love it.
- What do you mean?
I bet you can score
some pussy with that.
- You're having a ball, eh?
- I know prostitution is serious.
- Give me some key figures.
- I can't.
You should study it
before you make jokes about it.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it meant so much to you.
- Say hi to Casper.
- I will. Thank you for this.
It's been a good day.
Copenhagen Showboat...
- Is everything under control?
- Oh, yes. 100 percent.
I'm glad I said no
to The Angora Boys.
- I don't think they're right for me.
- They're not in your league.
No, they're not.
You're lovely.
- I can't sleep.
- What's that, Patrick?
- I keep hearing noises.
- We're out in the country.
Of course there are noises.
- It's just animals prowling about.
- Not prowling, honey. Foraging.
Many animals come out
after sundown to search for food.
Hedgehogs, for example.
We hear them a lot.
- Good night.
- Good night, Patrick.
No, Frank. We can't do it
when he's still awake.
- What if he hears us?
- He's not going to.
- You have to be quiet, then.
- What about you? I'm always quiet.
I still can't sleep.
- You still can't?
- I tried reading. It didn't work.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- No one does that nowadays.
- I don't like being on my own.
- Come and lie here, then.
- Honey...
- What is it?
- Now I can't sleep.
- Go in the spare bedroom, then.
Do that, honey.
You can lie over there.
Good night.
- Cheers, guys.
- Here's to Copenhagen Showboat!
You don't get a better
location than this.
You've studied the figures.
7.7 million...
- It's a lot of money, but...
- You'll get it back.
- VIP, Kurt. This is major league.
- Yeah, this is first class.
- Well, it should be.
- Hello there!
I'm from the
Copenhagen Port Authority.
- Have you bought this boat?
- Yes. Him and me.
- What are you doing with it?
- It's the Copenhagen Showboat.
- You haven't got a berth for it.
- What do you mean?
You have to move it
within three days.
- You want us to move it a bit?
- No, it has to leave the harbour.
We're doing an exclusive project
called Copenhagen Showboat.
You'll have to rename it.
It can't be in Copenhagen Harbour.
People wait for three years
for a berth here.
- Where can we go, then?
- Maybe there's room in Stege.
We're not going to fucking Stege.
Come on!
Well, it can't stay here.
It has to go within three days.
Alright, alright. We get it.
- What do we do?
- You'll have to sail the boat.
- None of us can sail a boat.
- We're comedians, not captains.
How could you have missed
that we didn't have a berth?
- Well...
- What do we do now?
You've got a major problem.
The project has failed.
It's a catastrophe.
Financially and otherwise.
You'll have to work it out.
I'm on hand if you need me.
Of course I am. Bye now.
- What do we do, Frank?
- We're left with nothing.
Let's sell the damn thing
and do something else, then.
I had this idea for a Stratego
game with fashion models...
No, no.
Just leave me for a bit.
Mia, I can't sleep.
Can I sleep in your bed?
Mia.
Listen...
I've sussed you out.
I know you're thinking about
Mia all the time. Yes, you are.
Next time, jerk off
instead of looking at my girlfriend.
Understood?
Fine. Good night.
Good morning.
- Hi. Hi, Jens.
- Hi, Frank.
Morning, Patrick.
Patrick called and asked his dad
to come. Because of last night.
- You and Patrick had a little chat?
- That's right.
- What about?
- About Patrick's sexuality.
Patrick's been ogling Mia's breasts,
so we had a little chat about it.
And that gives you the right
to tell him to jerk off -
- instead of looking
at Mia's breasts?
I regret saying that.
But the heart of the matter is -
- whether or not it's natural to
have a bath with an 11-year-old...
I have to say,
I think it's unnatural.
- Bloody hell! I've heard enough.
- That's what this is about.
- Say goodbye to Mia.
- Bye, Patrick.
Speak to you later. Come on.
It's unnatural, honey.
I'm not caving in on this one.
It's unnatural!
- It's great with the herb garden.
- Yes, it's lovely.
- Hi.
- Hello. Lovely place you've got.
Yes. The countryside
is beautiful as well.
Hi there.
Are you going to shower?
We're just talking here.
- Yes, I can see that.
- Go and shower, then.
- Are you still sulky?
- Go and shower, I said.
How about burying the hatchet?
You're completely wrong here.
- We better get going...
- No, no.
Mia and I are just discussing
what's normal. And natural.
- Where's the toilet?
- At the end of the corridor.
- Anna? Want to make 100 kroner?
- Yes.
Good.
Mia!
Come and have a look!
- Hi, honey.
- What on earth are you doing?
- We're having a bath.
- What are you thinking?
Is that a crime all of a sudden?
- Anna?
- Honey, lock the door.
- She's in here.
- We were...
Come, Anna.
Let's get you dry.
It's time to go.
- Come, Anna.
- I want my 100 kroner.
What are you doing,
having a bath with my daughter?
Don't drag her
into your relationship!
- You're seeing it out of context.
- Yes, probably!
- See you on Monday, right?
- Don't count on it.
See how sick it is.
People get really angry.
I thought it was just you coming up.
Do you think she'll come on Monday?
No, not now.
I'm stuck again.
Because of you.
- Four lollipops, please.
- Yes.
- Would you like a bag?
- Yes, please.
- And... what's this?
- I'm not actually sure.
- Here you are.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi. What a surprise.
- Are you a deli guy now?
- I'm looking after my wife's shop.
What about you and Casper's project?
It's going really well.
Absolutely.
- What is it? Can you..?
- Well, it's still a bit secret.
But we're charging ahead.
It's going extremely well.
Casper is in London at the moment,
closing a few deals.
We're trying to sell it to HBO.
I guess he's back, then.
Hi, Casper.
Yes, he arrived this morning.
- Hi.
- Hi, Simon.
- You're helping out as well, then?
- No, I was just...
I was passing by, and then
I saw him and thought: "Fuck..."
We were talking about your project.
Sounds like it's going well.
- Mind if I grab one of these?
- I'll get one as well.
- See you.
- See you, Frank. Take care.
- Enjoy your work.
- You too. Bye.
- I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
- You're not stupid.
- I'm just not getting any ideas.
- We'll manage, you and me.
---
A HUG FOR A MUG
Hi, honey.
- What are you doing with the bags?
- They keep falling down.
This is Ditte.
She's going to replace Susan.
- Hi. You're going to work here?
- Yes. This is my daughter.
You're a godsend.
I've been messing things up here.
- It's not really your field.
- Oh, no.
- Don't touch anything.
- Can I have it?
- Would you like the strawberry mug?
- Yes.
You can have it.
It's a present from me.
- What do you say, then?
- 1000 kroner, please.
- Thanks.
- A mug for a hug...
- Lucky you.
- She's really sweet.
- Where are you going?
- Over to Casper's.
Don't forget we're picking up
Patrick after hours.
- Sure. Have a nice day.
- You, too.
- I wanted a quick word with you.
- Yes, you said.
- You know I enjoy working with you.
- Me, too.
But our classic Casper-Frank teamwork
has been lying by for a while.
Yes, it's been on standby.
So I had a little chat with Rune
from The Angora Boys.
- Which one is that?
- The chubby one.
He knows Simon Kvamm.
- Is Simon going to be in it as well?
- Yes, I think so. And Esben.
Well, that's The Angora Boys,
then. From the TV series.
They've worked together before,
that's true.
- Are you going to be a guest star?
- It's the cycling team sketch.
They want me to look at the script
and act a part in it.
- Do you want to?
- Well, we haven't been doing much.
No.
But I thought you liked that.
- I don't like you being depressed.
- I'm better now. Much better.
- You're not dressed. It's 1 pm.
- Yes, I am. I'm wearing shorts.
I haven't felt this good
for a long time.
If you want to go with
The Angora Boys, be my guest.
But think about it,
because I've got the idea.
I haven't been idle for six months.
It's on all the time up here.
What is it?
Could you give me
just a couple of days?
- And keep them off for two days?
- Yes, sure.
If you can do that, I'll make you
say "screw The Angora Boys".
"Fuck them and their crap!"
And then you'll go with my idea.
- Just you and me.
- So good old Capper is back?
- Is it television?
- It... I'm not saying any more.
God, I'm sweating.
I was so nervous about telling you.
But I'm glad you're back.
Say hi to Mia.
Two days, Frank.
- I'm pleased. You will be as well.
- I'm looking forward to it.
If Casper is on top
he does quality stuff.
- Are you listening?
- Yeah. He should be coming now.
- Hi, Mia.
- Hi, Patrick.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Patrick. Welcome.
I'm really excited
about Casper's project, honey.
- Watch your finger...
- Mia?
Are you listening?
Casper's back. It's so cool.
I might cancel The Angora Boys.
Honey...
- Mia..!
- What is it?
I'm telling you I'm so happy
that Casper is in a good mood.
- And I said that's fine.
- You don't care at all.
- You're just eating a stupid crisp.
- Whoops!
- What's out here?
- Take a deep breath.
Can you smell the sea?
And the money and the success?
Can you smell
Copenhagen Showboat?
Come. This is the project.
Come and have a look.
- It's a restaurant.
- Right now, yeah.
- We'll turn it into a comedy club.
- Okay.
Why don't you get all the money
when you perform?
And why not earn money
when the others perform?
Go to the stand-up guys and say:
"Come to Copenhagen Showboat."
"Yeah, I'd love to."
People from HBO will come.
They want to know what's
happening in Europe. They love it.
- A comedy club is not a bad idea.
- Exactly! There isn't one.
Well, there's "Duckpower".
That's for people from the suburbs.
This will be international elite.
- VIP...
- It's not bad.
- It's fantastic. Do you like it?
- Yeah, I do.
Actually, it's a bloody good idea.
It really is.
- I told you I was back.
- You are.
Screw The Angora Boys...
It's Copenhagen Showboat!
Hi, honey.
We're boat owners now.
Do you hear?
We own a showboat.
We're having a bath, Frank.
We bought a showboat.
In a central location.
- I think it'll be excellent.
- Hi.
- Do you want something to drink?
- Yes, please.
- Have you been in together?
- Yes, just a quick bath.
He's had his share of adventure
then, seeing you naked.
- Stop it.
- It's better than Tivoli.
Go and sit in the lounge.
There's the tit carousel
and the fanny train...
He's just turned 11. We've been
bathing together since he was a baby.
There's a difference between
a child and an 11-year-old.
- He's sexually mature now.
- Come on...
- Will you do it when he's 35?
- No. He's just a little boy.
Tell me about the boat.
What's happening?
- Stop it, darling.
- Why can't you see it?
- Have you had a bad day?
- No, I've had a great day.
I come home to tell you about it and
find you bathing with an adolescent.
No, no. He's only 11.
Wipe that sour look off your face.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Frank Hvam!
- Hi. Good to see you.
- I'm going to make it short.
First of all, thanks for the offer.
It sounded great on the phone.
Unfortunately,
something's come up.
I've been offered this big project.
So I have to say thank you,
but no, thank you.
- You've heard the whole thing?
- Yes.
It sounds really funny.
I'd love to work with you.
The idea was to make
The Angora Boys a four-man act.
We've just not been able
to find the right guy.
- It's The Beatles...
- Maybe we could move the shoot.
This is a long-term thing. We hope
it'll take off internationally.
- Is it a solo project?
- No, there's a few more people.
- Who are you doing it with?
- Casper.
- Oh, right.
- I thought you two were history?
We've been lying low
for a while. But we're back.
You mean, while he's been...
Well, he hasn't been
mentally ill, exactly...
Yes. Otherwise you don't
grow a beard that size.
- But that's your choice.
- I'm sorry, guys.
Sorry to take your time.
I'm a big fan of your work.
You're really funny.
You've got some great characters.
Esben... and Simon,
you pull the whole thing together.
- Damn! It could've been good.
- I give this to all celebrities.
- "Stop Prostitution".
- I support their cause.
- The girls must love it.
- What do you mean?
I bet you can score
some pussy with that.
- You're having a ball, eh?
- I know prostitution is serious.
- Give me some key figures.
- I can't.
You should study it
before you make jokes about it.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it meant so much to you.
- Say hi to Casper.
- I will. Thank you for this.
It's been a good day.
Copenhagen Showboat...
- Is everything under control?
- Oh, yes. 100 percent.
I'm glad I said no
to The Angora Boys.
- I don't think they're right for me.
- They're not in your league.
No, they're not.
You're lovely.
- I can't sleep.
- What's that, Patrick?
- I keep hearing noises.
- We're out in the country.
Of course there are noises.
- It's just animals prowling about.
- Not prowling, honey. Foraging.
Many animals come out
after sundown to search for food.
Hedgehogs, for example.
We hear them a lot.
- Good night.
- Good night, Patrick.
No, Frank. We can't do it
when he's still awake.
- What if he hears us?
- He's not going to.
- You have to be quiet, then.
- What about you? I'm always quiet.
I still can't sleep.
- You still can't?
- I tried reading. It didn't work.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- No one does that nowadays.
- I don't like being on my own.
- Come and lie here, then.
- Honey...
- What is it?
- Now I can't sleep.
- Go in the spare bedroom, then.
Do that, honey.
You can lie over there.
Good night.
- Cheers, guys.
- Here's to Copenhagen Showboat!
You don't get a better
location than this.
You've studied the figures.
7.7 million...
- It's a lot of money, but...
- You'll get it back.
- VIP, Kurt. This is major league.
- Yeah, this is first class.
- Well, it should be.
- Hello there!
I'm from the
Copenhagen Port Authority.
- Have you bought this boat?
- Yes. Him and me.
- What are you doing with it?
- It's the Copenhagen Showboat.
- You haven't got a berth for it.
- What do you mean?
You have to move it
within three days.
- You want us to move it a bit?
- No, it has to leave the harbour.
We're doing an exclusive project
called Copenhagen Showboat.
You'll have to rename it.
It can't be in Copenhagen Harbour.
People wait for three years
for a berth here.
- Where can we go, then?
- Maybe there's room in Stege.
We're not going to fucking Stege.
Come on!
Well, it can't stay here.
It has to go within three days.
Alright, alright. We get it.
- What do we do?
- You'll have to sail the boat.
- None of us can sail a boat.
- We're comedians, not captains.
How could you have missed
that we didn't have a berth?
- Well...
- What do we do now?
You've got a major problem.
The project has failed.
It's a catastrophe.
Financially and otherwise.
You'll have to work it out.
I'm on hand if you need me.
Of course I am. Bye now.
- What do we do, Frank?
- We're left with nothing.
Let's sell the damn thing
and do something else, then.
I had this idea for a Stratego
game with fashion models...
No, no.
Just leave me for a bit.
Mia, I can't sleep.
Can I sleep in your bed?
Mia.
Listen...
I've sussed you out.
I know you're thinking about
Mia all the time. Yes, you are.
Next time, jerk off
instead of looking at my girlfriend.
Understood?
Fine. Good night.
Good morning.
- Hi. Hi, Jens.
- Hi, Frank.
Morning, Patrick.
Patrick called and asked his dad
to come. Because of last night.
- You and Patrick had a little chat?
- That's right.
- What about?
- About Patrick's sexuality.
Patrick's been ogling Mia's breasts,
so we had a little chat about it.
And that gives you the right
to tell him to jerk off -
- instead of looking
at Mia's breasts?
I regret saying that.
But the heart of the matter is -
- whether or not it's natural to
have a bath with an 11-year-old...
I have to say,
I think it's unnatural.
- Bloody hell! I've heard enough.
- That's what this is about.
- Say goodbye to Mia.
- Bye, Patrick.
Speak to you later. Come on.
It's unnatural, honey.
I'm not caving in on this one.
It's unnatural!
- It's great with the herb garden.
- Yes, it's lovely.
- Hi.
- Hello. Lovely place you've got.
Yes. The countryside
is beautiful as well.
Hi there.
Are you going to shower?
We're just talking here.
- Yes, I can see that.
- Go and shower, then.
- Are you still sulky?
- Go and shower, I said.
How about burying the hatchet?
You're completely wrong here.
- We better get going...
- No, no.
Mia and I are just discussing
what's normal. And natural.
- Where's the toilet?
- At the end of the corridor.
- Anna? Want to make 100 kroner?
- Yes.
Good.
Mia!
Come and have a look!
- Hi, honey.
- What on earth are you doing?
- We're having a bath.
- What are you thinking?
Is that a crime all of a sudden?
- Anna?
- Honey, lock the door.
- She's in here.
- We were...
Come, Anna.
Let's get you dry.
It's time to go.
- Come, Anna.
- I want my 100 kroner.
What are you doing,
having a bath with my daughter?
Don't drag her
into your relationship!
- You're seeing it out of context.
- Yes, probably!
- See you on Monday, right?
- Don't count on it.
See how sick it is.
People get really angry.
I thought it was just you coming up.
Do you think she'll come on Monday?
No, not now.
I'm stuck again.
Because of you.
- Four lollipops, please.
- Yes.
- Would you like a bag?
- Yes, please.
- And... what's this?
- I'm not actually sure.
- Here you are.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi. What a surprise.
- Are you a deli guy now?
- I'm looking after my wife's shop.
What about you and Casper's project?
It's going really well.
Absolutely.
- What is it? Can you..?
- Well, it's still a bit secret.
But we're charging ahead.
It's going extremely well.
Casper is in London at the moment,
closing a few deals.
We're trying to sell it to HBO.
I guess he's back, then.
Hi, Casper.
Yes, he arrived this morning.
- Hi.
- Hi, Simon.
- You're helping out as well, then?
- No, I was just...
I was passing by, and then
I saw him and thought: "Fuck..."
We were talking about your project.
Sounds like it's going well.
- Mind if I grab one of these?
- I'll get one as well.
- See you.
- See you, Frank. Take care.
- Enjoy your work.
- You too. Bye.
- I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
- You're not stupid.
- I'm just not getting any ideas.
- We'll manage, you and me.