Klovn (2005–2021): Season 6, Episode 6 - Bedragsholm slot - full transcript
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---
TALLY HO!
- Looking forward to the castle?
- Yes.
- And to seeing Iben and Tina.
- You haven't seen them for a while.
The ladies will have a cosy time
of it while the men go hunting.
Dragsholm has some of the
best hunting in the country.
- Roe deer, hares, foxes...
- What a lovely landscape.
Yes, it is.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I can't stand it.
I gave you an iPod so I wouldn't
have to listen to Riverdance.
- I'd love to practise it with you.
- Forget it.
- Mind my car.
- Hello, mate.
There he is.
Did I invite you too?
Hi, Frank, old boy.
I'm Donald.
I'm looking forward to the hunt.
I think we'll have a great time.
As you can see,
we've prepared a little something.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, and thanks for having us.
- Fantastic place.
- Yes, it is. Fantastic.
- Sorry, was it Donnel?
- No, Donald.
Pronounced the English way?
Then I'll do that with my name, too.
- Mia! I'll be Frank this weekend.
- Why?
Meet Donald and Frank.
We're both Englishmen.
Mind the step.
Wow, this is beautiful.
What a corridor.
Lovely, isn't it, Frank?
- Nice rifle.
- Hang on, Frank.
- I'll take that. Thank you.
- Okay.
Pixie!
- What's this?
- A rifle.
- And where should it be kept?
- In the armoury.
Then put it in the armoury.
Use your head, for Christ's sake.
Let's find your room.
This is room 21.
All ready for you.
Have you seen this room, honey?
- Frank?
- It's got a jacuzzi.
- It's down here, Frank.
- Here. Lovely room.
- It's not as big.
- Not as big as the other one?
- It's really nice.
- Can we have the other room?
- No, you can't.
- Is it taken?
- Not at the moment.
- What if Mia and I would like to...
This is your room, okay?
- This is fine.
- It's because I called him Donnel.
- Because you're an ass.
- But he's Danish.
"Donald". Like he was some
Hollywood star. Pompous prat.
Why don't we just unpack?
- What?
- Did you see the other room?
There's a beautiful mahogany
wardrobe and a huge mirror.
Yes, I see what you mean.
What do you say, honey?
Bloody beautiful room, isn't it?
But we can't have it.
We can just take it.
That's what we're going to do.
- Don't you think he'll find out?
- No. The castle is enormous.
There we are.
That's naughty, honey.
It's not really getting hard, Frank.
- Isn't it nice?
- I'd rather have a shag.
- I've got my period.
- Let's do it anyway.
We can't have blood
all over the bed linen.
- All right, try again.
- Shall I?
Try caressing my testicles, honey.
Honey, stop. Stop.
- It's not getting hard at all.
- I know...
- I can't.
- Did I do it wrong?
No, it was really nice. Lovely.
I don't know what the problem is.
But you don't have to struggle
with it, if it doesn't work.
- I hope you're not getting impotent.
- Of course I'm not impotent.
I'm going to have a beer
with Lars and Casper.
The beer here is supposed to be
really good. See you later.
I think it was in '95.
Jan Gl?sel and me...
We had an idea for a rap
for the national football team.
I'm on the mike to tell y'all
that Denmark's on the ball
Putting on the boots to shoot...
I can't remember.
Then he came in
with his saxophone...
- That was right here.
- I have to tell you something.
I screwed up again. I've slept
with a woman I think you know.
- Vibeke Hartkorn.
- The news woman who's..?
- Big Momma.
- Watch your tongue.
All right, she's black and fat,
but Lars likes her.
- Hi. Everything all right?
- Aren't you Josefine?
- Sorry, I didn't see you before.
- My!
Let me look at you. I looked
after her when she was six.
I was her babysitter
when she was a kid.
So you've seen Josefine's fanny.
- What do you mean?
- Maybe you changed her nappy.
- That means you saw her fanny.
- She was six years old.
- I just meant it's funny.
- It's funny I was her babysitter.
- And you look gorgeous.
- Can I have some nuts?
- I'll have them sent up.
- Great to see you.
- Catch you later.
- It was a joke.
- That was stupid.
- You can't say such a thing.
Not when she's standing there.
I'm a bit confused.
Mia offered me a blowjob.
- On the way over?
- No, in the room.
- I couldn't find the inspiration.
- Let your imagination guide you.
- Imagine it's someone else.
- Like Josefine.
- I'll think of her next time.
- So will I.
- What about you?
- She's got her work cut out for her.
- Let's drink to that.
- What's that?
- It's either a fire, or lunch.
- We have to go to the courtyard.
It's only a fire drill.
Only a drill.
Everybody to the courtyard.
It will only take a few minutes.
- It's just a fire drill, Frank.
- Tina and I had a shock.
- Let's see if we're all here.
- Where's Mia?
- Mia is not here.
- We have to get her down here.
- A fire drill must be realistic.
- She's resting.
- Pixie, she's in room 23.
- No need for that.
This is a fire drill.
It has to be realistic.
- You sent Pixie into the flames.
- There is no fire.
- Then it's not realistic, is it?
- Mia is gone!
She's gone for a walk.
I thought she was resting.
Find her and then reassemble here.
Josefine?
Let's search together.
- She's in room 21.
- Fucking hell.
The room he wanted to give us
was incredibly small.
This is larger and has a jacuzzi.
So I thought: "What's the harm? "
Mia? Mia!
There's a fire drill.
What are you doing?
Everybody's in the courtyard.
- I didn't know.
- Frank?
- Mia is dead.
- No, I'm not.
Hi.
Good to see you.
We have a situation.
I gave Frank and Mia room 23,
but they took number 21.
- You'll have to move back, Frank.
- We've just unpacked.
- We're guests, Frank.
- I know, so I'm asking nicely.
- All right, keep it.
- Is that okay, Donald?
Thanks, Donald.
- What's this? Did you find Mia?
- I'm in here.
- What are you doing?
- She's dancing Riverdance.
Pretty old hat, isn't it?
Are you coming down
to have some tapas?
- Yeah.
- Please go, Casper.
I didn't do anything.
You've got the room now.
- It was embarrassing.
- No.
- Did I look stupid?
- Funny.
- Please be careful.
- I follow all safety regulations.
Why are Iben and Tina dressed
like that?
- Why are you wearing those clothes?
- We're going hunting, obviously.
- Are you going hunting?
- So are you.
- I thought we'd spend time together.
- Are we all here?
- Let's talk through the procedure.
- I didn't know, honey.
Please listen carefully.
We shoot what we're allowed
to shoot according to the game act.
No low shots. All that remains is
to wish each other good luck -
- with a little dram.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- We're going this way.
- Mia doesn't have a game license.
If you want to take part,
why don't you join the beaters?
- See you, Mia.
- Make as much noise as possible.
We have to drive the animals
towards them so they can shoot them.
I'll take a pair of sticks.
You know I told you
I'd slept with Vibeke Hartkorn.
- Remember?
- Of course.
She called me
on the way here...
- Quiet, boys.
- Let's concentrate.
- It's more complicated than that.
- There's something there.
She called to say that she...
She said she was pregnant.
- Why did you shoot?
- Did you get it?
Did it go down?
- I hit it, but it ran away.
- We have to get the dogs out.
Let's see if we can find it.
Why do you have to say something
like that when I'm about to shoot?
- What the hell is going on?
- What happened?
- Did you get it?
- I hit it, but it kept running.
You said you had it.
You didn't, because it's not dead.
I was disturbed. By Lars.
- What did Lars do?
- It was just...
- There was a twig that snapped.
- There are quite a lot twigs here.
- Just because Lars steps on one...
- It was not a twig.
- What's going on, then?
- It was just a noise.
- Why did you do it?
- Is there something I should know?
Yes.
He got Vibeke Hartkorn pregnant.
He told me when I was about to shoot.
I'm trying to have
a nice hunt here, -
- and then you have to have
unsafe shags and spoil it for me.
He wounds an animal, and a big
afro mama is carrying Lars' child.
- And I have to listen to that.
- Well, it's...
We're going hunting now.
- I think this trip is crap.
- So do I.
Utter crap.
It's a good thing I have you.
Do you want a blowjob?
I don't really believe
it's going to work.
- Unless I can fantasise.
- Of course you can.
- Can I?
- Yes. What will you fantasise about?
- I'm not telling.
- Go on.
- No.
- You have to tell me.
You can fantasise about anything.
Then I'll fantasise about
that girl Josefine. The waitress.
- The one who works in the bar?
- Yes.
Okay.
What's happening?
Mia?
I think you should sleep next door.
- Didn't you say I could fantasise?
- I thought it would be about me.
I kind of feel mentally raped
when you say it's her.
I wouldn't have said it
if I'd known you would be hurt.
I would have just thought it.
Or I...
Casper?
What are you up to?
- What are you doing?
- Christ!
- You gave me a start.
- I can see that.
What were you doing?
- Have you been up to no good?
- Josefine, man.
Is that her room?
Did you bang her?
No, a blowjob.
Does it show?
That's mean. I just got kicked out
for fantasising about Josefine.
- But you get a blowjob from her.
- That's life, Frank.
Someone's coming.
- Hi, Lars.
- What are you doing?
- I was just going to check on her.
- Okay. Why?
I just wanted to make sure
that everybody was asleep.
- What are you doing?
- She just gave me a blowjob.
- You too?
- No.
I got thrown out
for mentioning Josefine.
Is there more where that came from?
You've just done Hartkorn, and
now you're after a 19-year-old?
- I ordered nuts and...
- Let's have a little drink.
- Hi, Donald.
- A most interesting conversation.
The hunt was great.
- I think it's filth.
- I've told them many times.
I'm glad you agree, because
I seem to be unable to explain it.
But I'm sure your wives will,
tomorrow. Good night, gentlemen.
Who the hell
does he think he is?
I'm done for. If he tells
on me, I'll get kicked out.
- Shut up, Lars. Calm down.
- Tina said it was my last chance.
Let's keep cool.
- We can beat him up now.
- What good would that do?
- I'll shoot him in tomorrow's hunt.
- Not a bad idea.
- You want to shoot him?
- We could say it was an accident.
- Are you serious?
- You can't shoot such a big man.
- You can shoot any man.
- A little man only needs one bullet.
We know that he will tell on us
tomorrow. No surprises there.
We've got the upper hand.
Sure, we screwed up...
Not me. You did.
Okay, I got a blowjob. That's on me.
But you screwed Vibeke Hartkorn.
And you can't get it up
and start fantasising about her.
You think Mia will like that? Your
girlfriends won't like this one bit.
Now let's go down,
have a drink and make a plan.
We could start with a snack.
- It's sorted.
- Morning.
- We were just...
- Just talking.
It's easy to snap one twig. But
three? It can be done, of course...
- It's slightly more...
- Have you sorted out your stories?
- Good. Did you sleep well?
- I haven't slept a wink.
- Neither have I.
- I slept all right.
- Donald has been shot!
- What?
Donald has been shot!
There's blood everywhere.
- Has he been shot?
- Ask him if he's dead.
- Is he dead, Pixie?
- I think so.
- Did you shoot him?
- No, for fuck's sake.
You turned up a little late.
I want to know.
- Why would I? It was Frank's idea.
- I was joking.
- I wasn't the one who got a blowjob.
- Shut the fuck up.
As you all know,
Donnel was found shot in his room.
Donald.
It's pronounced Donald.
Sorry.
Anyway, he has been shot.
It turns out that it was
an accidental shooting.
A 12-year-old boy, one of
the beaters, fired Pixie's rifle -
- through the window.
- I'm afraid he died.
- Oh, my God.
That's terrible. They shouldn't let
them play with those things.
Let's have that drink.
Don't be sad.
Bye for now.
We should do this again.
What a way to drive.
Hi! Hi, Vibeke.
Wipe that grin off your face. Do you
want some communications advice?
- Let's go, Mia.
- I called and called.
Isn't she the one from the TV news?
Vibeke Hartkorn?
- Does she know Lars?
- Apparently.
5-6-7, go!
First! Second!
Third! Break.
And one. Two. Three. Four.
---
TALLY HO!
- Looking forward to the castle?
- Yes.
- And to seeing Iben and Tina.
- You haven't seen them for a while.
The ladies will have a cosy time
of it while the men go hunting.
Dragsholm has some of the
best hunting in the country.
- Roe deer, hares, foxes...
- What a lovely landscape.
Yes, it is.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I can't stand it.
I gave you an iPod so I wouldn't
have to listen to Riverdance.
- I'd love to practise it with you.
- Forget it.
- Mind my car.
- Hello, mate.
There he is.
Did I invite you too?
Hi, Frank, old boy.
I'm Donald.
I'm looking forward to the hunt.
I think we'll have a great time.
As you can see,
we've prepared a little something.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, and thanks for having us.
- Fantastic place.
- Yes, it is. Fantastic.
- Sorry, was it Donnel?
- No, Donald.
Pronounced the English way?
Then I'll do that with my name, too.
- Mia! I'll be Frank this weekend.
- Why?
Meet Donald and Frank.
We're both Englishmen.
Mind the step.
Wow, this is beautiful.
What a corridor.
Lovely, isn't it, Frank?
- Nice rifle.
- Hang on, Frank.
- I'll take that. Thank you.
- Okay.
Pixie!
- What's this?
- A rifle.
- And where should it be kept?
- In the armoury.
Then put it in the armoury.
Use your head, for Christ's sake.
Let's find your room.
This is room 21.
All ready for you.
Have you seen this room, honey?
- Frank?
- It's got a jacuzzi.
- It's down here, Frank.
- Here. Lovely room.
- It's not as big.
- Not as big as the other one?
- It's really nice.
- Can we have the other room?
- No, you can't.
- Is it taken?
- Not at the moment.
- What if Mia and I would like to...
This is your room, okay?
- This is fine.
- It's because I called him Donnel.
- Because you're an ass.
- But he's Danish.
"Donald". Like he was some
Hollywood star. Pompous prat.
Why don't we just unpack?
- What?
- Did you see the other room?
There's a beautiful mahogany
wardrobe and a huge mirror.
Yes, I see what you mean.
What do you say, honey?
Bloody beautiful room, isn't it?
But we can't have it.
We can just take it.
That's what we're going to do.
- Don't you think he'll find out?
- No. The castle is enormous.
There we are.
That's naughty, honey.
It's not really getting hard, Frank.
- Isn't it nice?
- I'd rather have a shag.
- I've got my period.
- Let's do it anyway.
We can't have blood
all over the bed linen.
- All right, try again.
- Shall I?
Try caressing my testicles, honey.
Honey, stop. Stop.
- It's not getting hard at all.
- I know...
- I can't.
- Did I do it wrong?
No, it was really nice. Lovely.
I don't know what the problem is.
But you don't have to struggle
with it, if it doesn't work.
- I hope you're not getting impotent.
- Of course I'm not impotent.
I'm going to have a beer
with Lars and Casper.
The beer here is supposed to be
really good. See you later.
I think it was in '95.
Jan Gl?sel and me...
We had an idea for a rap
for the national football team.
I'm on the mike to tell y'all
that Denmark's on the ball
Putting on the boots to shoot...
I can't remember.
Then he came in
with his saxophone...
- That was right here.
- I have to tell you something.
I screwed up again. I've slept
with a woman I think you know.
- Vibeke Hartkorn.
- The news woman who's..?
- Big Momma.
- Watch your tongue.
All right, she's black and fat,
but Lars likes her.
- Hi. Everything all right?
- Aren't you Josefine?
- Sorry, I didn't see you before.
- My!
Let me look at you. I looked
after her when she was six.
I was her babysitter
when she was a kid.
So you've seen Josefine's fanny.
- What do you mean?
- Maybe you changed her nappy.
- That means you saw her fanny.
- She was six years old.
- I just meant it's funny.
- It's funny I was her babysitter.
- And you look gorgeous.
- Can I have some nuts?
- I'll have them sent up.
- Great to see you.
- Catch you later.
- It was a joke.
- That was stupid.
- You can't say such a thing.
Not when she's standing there.
I'm a bit confused.
Mia offered me a blowjob.
- On the way over?
- No, in the room.
- I couldn't find the inspiration.
- Let your imagination guide you.
- Imagine it's someone else.
- Like Josefine.
- I'll think of her next time.
- So will I.
- What about you?
- She's got her work cut out for her.
- Let's drink to that.
- What's that?
- It's either a fire, or lunch.
- We have to go to the courtyard.
It's only a fire drill.
Only a drill.
Everybody to the courtyard.
It will only take a few minutes.
- It's just a fire drill, Frank.
- Tina and I had a shock.
- Let's see if we're all here.
- Where's Mia?
- Mia is not here.
- We have to get her down here.
- A fire drill must be realistic.
- She's resting.
- Pixie, she's in room 23.
- No need for that.
This is a fire drill.
It has to be realistic.
- You sent Pixie into the flames.
- There is no fire.
- Then it's not realistic, is it?
- Mia is gone!
She's gone for a walk.
I thought she was resting.
Find her and then reassemble here.
Josefine?
Let's search together.
- She's in room 21.
- Fucking hell.
The room he wanted to give us
was incredibly small.
This is larger and has a jacuzzi.
So I thought: "What's the harm? "
Mia? Mia!
There's a fire drill.
What are you doing?
Everybody's in the courtyard.
- I didn't know.
- Frank?
- Mia is dead.
- No, I'm not.
Hi.
Good to see you.
We have a situation.
I gave Frank and Mia room 23,
but they took number 21.
- You'll have to move back, Frank.
- We've just unpacked.
- We're guests, Frank.
- I know, so I'm asking nicely.
- All right, keep it.
- Is that okay, Donald?
Thanks, Donald.
- What's this? Did you find Mia?
- I'm in here.
- What are you doing?
- She's dancing Riverdance.
Pretty old hat, isn't it?
Are you coming down
to have some tapas?
- Yeah.
- Please go, Casper.
I didn't do anything.
You've got the room now.
- It was embarrassing.
- No.
- Did I look stupid?
- Funny.
- Please be careful.
- I follow all safety regulations.
Why are Iben and Tina dressed
like that?
- Why are you wearing those clothes?
- We're going hunting, obviously.
- Are you going hunting?
- So are you.
- I thought we'd spend time together.
- Are we all here?
- Let's talk through the procedure.
- I didn't know, honey.
Please listen carefully.
We shoot what we're allowed
to shoot according to the game act.
No low shots. All that remains is
to wish each other good luck -
- with a little dram.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- We're going this way.
- Mia doesn't have a game license.
If you want to take part,
why don't you join the beaters?
- See you, Mia.
- Make as much noise as possible.
We have to drive the animals
towards them so they can shoot them.
I'll take a pair of sticks.
You know I told you
I'd slept with Vibeke Hartkorn.
- Remember?
- Of course.
She called me
on the way here...
- Quiet, boys.
- Let's concentrate.
- It's more complicated than that.
- There's something there.
She called to say that she...
She said she was pregnant.
- Why did you shoot?
- Did you get it?
Did it go down?
- I hit it, but it ran away.
- We have to get the dogs out.
Let's see if we can find it.
Why do you have to say something
like that when I'm about to shoot?
- What the hell is going on?
- What happened?
- Did you get it?
- I hit it, but it kept running.
You said you had it.
You didn't, because it's not dead.
I was disturbed. By Lars.
- What did Lars do?
- It was just...
- There was a twig that snapped.
- There are quite a lot twigs here.
- Just because Lars steps on one...
- It was not a twig.
- What's going on, then?
- It was just a noise.
- Why did you do it?
- Is there something I should know?
Yes.
He got Vibeke Hartkorn pregnant.
He told me when I was about to shoot.
I'm trying to have
a nice hunt here, -
- and then you have to have
unsafe shags and spoil it for me.
He wounds an animal, and a big
afro mama is carrying Lars' child.
- And I have to listen to that.
- Well, it's...
We're going hunting now.
- I think this trip is crap.
- So do I.
Utter crap.
It's a good thing I have you.
Do you want a blowjob?
I don't really believe
it's going to work.
- Unless I can fantasise.
- Of course you can.
- Can I?
- Yes. What will you fantasise about?
- I'm not telling.
- Go on.
- No.
- You have to tell me.
You can fantasise about anything.
Then I'll fantasise about
that girl Josefine. The waitress.
- The one who works in the bar?
- Yes.
Okay.
What's happening?
Mia?
I think you should sleep next door.
- Didn't you say I could fantasise?
- I thought it would be about me.
I kind of feel mentally raped
when you say it's her.
I wouldn't have said it
if I'd known you would be hurt.
I would have just thought it.
Or I...
Casper?
What are you up to?
- What are you doing?
- Christ!
- You gave me a start.
- I can see that.
What were you doing?
- Have you been up to no good?
- Josefine, man.
Is that her room?
Did you bang her?
No, a blowjob.
Does it show?
That's mean. I just got kicked out
for fantasising about Josefine.
- But you get a blowjob from her.
- That's life, Frank.
Someone's coming.
- Hi, Lars.
- What are you doing?
- I was just going to check on her.
- Okay. Why?
I just wanted to make sure
that everybody was asleep.
- What are you doing?
- She just gave me a blowjob.
- You too?
- No.
I got thrown out
for mentioning Josefine.
Is there more where that came from?
You've just done Hartkorn, and
now you're after a 19-year-old?
- I ordered nuts and...
- Let's have a little drink.
- Hi, Donald.
- A most interesting conversation.
The hunt was great.
- I think it's filth.
- I've told them many times.
I'm glad you agree, because
I seem to be unable to explain it.
But I'm sure your wives will,
tomorrow. Good night, gentlemen.
Who the hell
does he think he is?
I'm done for. If he tells
on me, I'll get kicked out.
- Shut up, Lars. Calm down.
- Tina said it was my last chance.
Let's keep cool.
- We can beat him up now.
- What good would that do?
- I'll shoot him in tomorrow's hunt.
- Not a bad idea.
- You want to shoot him?
- We could say it was an accident.
- Are you serious?
- You can't shoot such a big man.
- You can shoot any man.
- A little man only needs one bullet.
We know that he will tell on us
tomorrow. No surprises there.
We've got the upper hand.
Sure, we screwed up...
Not me. You did.
Okay, I got a blowjob. That's on me.
But you screwed Vibeke Hartkorn.
And you can't get it up
and start fantasising about her.
You think Mia will like that? Your
girlfriends won't like this one bit.
Now let's go down,
have a drink and make a plan.
We could start with a snack.
- It's sorted.
- Morning.
- We were just...
- Just talking.
It's easy to snap one twig. But
three? It can be done, of course...
- It's slightly more...
- Have you sorted out your stories?
- Good. Did you sleep well?
- I haven't slept a wink.
- Neither have I.
- I slept all right.
- Donald has been shot!
- What?
Donald has been shot!
There's blood everywhere.
- Has he been shot?
- Ask him if he's dead.
- Is he dead, Pixie?
- I think so.
- Did you shoot him?
- No, for fuck's sake.
You turned up a little late.
I want to know.
- Why would I? It was Frank's idea.
- I was joking.
- I wasn't the one who got a blowjob.
- Shut the fuck up.
As you all know,
Donnel was found shot in his room.
Donald.
It's pronounced Donald.
Sorry.
Anyway, he has been shot.
It turns out that it was
an accidental shooting.
A 12-year-old boy, one of
the beaters, fired Pixie's rifle -
- through the window.
- I'm afraid he died.
- Oh, my God.
That's terrible. They shouldn't let
them play with those things.
Let's have that drink.
Don't be sad.
Bye for now.
We should do this again.
What a way to drive.
Hi! Hi, Vibeke.
Wipe that grin off your face. Do you
want some communications advice?
- Let's go, Mia.
- I called and called.
Isn't she the one from the TV news?
Vibeke Hartkorn?
- Does she know Lars?
- Apparently.
5-6-7, go!
First! Second!
Third! Break.
And one. Two. Three. Four.