Klovn (2005–2021): Season 6, Episode 2 - Shut up - full transcript
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---
We're really happy that Mia -
- has chosen to make her shop
a fair trade vendor.
Well, we're very pleased
to be able to help.
I'm glad that we can now
offer fair trade products.
It's important to secure good
working conditions for the farmers.
There's drinks and something
for the sweet tooth.
Please help yourselves.
- Hi there. Great speech.
- Oh, thanks.
- Do you also work with...
- With charities? Yes, I do.
A bit. I'm very involved
in the Tibetan cause, actually.
- Fascinating conflict, I think.
- Have you been there?
- In Tibet?
- Yes, yes. Yes, I have.
Very nice people.
Would you like to meet up
in a more private setting?
- With you?
- Yes. Just the two of us.
- That was great.
- Yeah.
- The girls aren't up for it.
- No. Nobody else is, either.
All the other comedians
are a bunch of sissies.
- Bloody weird people, aren't they?
- What do you mean?
Well... Take Lars, for example.
I've known him for 15 years.
Not a word of thanks.
- For what?
- Everything I've done for him.
- I've said thanks a million times.
- Yes, and you're alright.
But Hjortsh?j has turned
into an absolute jerk, I think.
- Aren't you just feeling a bit down?
- It doesn't take much to pull me up.
- All he needs to do is thank me.
- Let's not spoil the good mood.
- Is it a joke?
- No, it's a naughty text message.
Oh? Who's it from?
From a Negro girl.
I met her in the tea shop.
Haven't you been with a black girl?
It's like a whole new world!
You see her lying there
with her booty and her pink pussy...
And brown buttocks and everything.
It's crazy, Frank!
- When are you going?
- I'm not. I'm too scared.
- People might find out.
- Cut the crap. Live a little.
You've got to try an afro bitch
once in your life.
Do as I say. Fuck Mia!
You've got a black girl right there.
- Don't be such a coward.
- Well, it's fun just to...
What could be more fun than that?
You never try anything!
- Yes, I do. Maybe I'll do it, then.
- Bang her now!
Casper, we need to put
the kayaks back up!
- Hi.
- Hi. Come in.
Good to see you again.
- It's up here.
- Yeah.
Gosh... It's nice to be here.
Frank, this is strictly
between you and me, right?
- Yes, of course.
- That's great.
Chang?
Chang is a political refugee
from Tibet.
He stands to be expelled.
I'm a member of a secret refugee
network. We hide refugees.
You're so involved in Tibet, so I
thought he could maybe stay with you.
- With me? That guy?
- Yes.
It's not convenient.
We're rebuilding at the moment.
Oh, I see.
Frank...
Why did you bring flowers?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
- Did you think this was a date?
- This? No, no, no.
No, I thought it had something to do
with fair trade or refugee networks.
He's in a terrible fix,
so I brought some flowers.
- Does that mean that you can..?
- Yes, of course.
- I'm glad to be able to help.
- It's so good of you.
Hi, honey.
- I brought a guest. A Tibetan monk.
- You did what?
- What's this?
- He's a monk from Tibet.
- Oh. What's he doing here?
- He's a political refugee.
We have to hide him for a week.
His life is in a danger.
He's been expelled, but he'll
be killed if he goes back to Tibet.
- How did you meet him?
- Through the Danish refugee network.
They asked if we could
help with Chang.
Is he connected to the Dalai Lama?
Chang has been writing
for a dissident newspaper.
He's being persecuted
for using his freedom of speech.
- I'll get the spare bedroom ready.
- Good idea, honey.
I'm really proud of you, darling.
It's not like you
to think about human rights.
- I've always been into that.
- You never told me.
We have to help people
whose lives are in danger.
Can I have a kiss
for saving a Tibetan?
- Who's there?
- It's Mr. Shaggaton.
- He wants to come in.
- Go on, then.
Hello. I'm Mr. Shaggaton.
Go and help him.
Come on.
Take it easy, will you?
It was important.
He should've known
what we were doing.
How could he? Celibate monks
don't think along those lines.
Stop it, Frank. I don't want to.
- But it's Mr. Shaggaton.
- Not now, honey. Move over.
- Why not?
- We have a monk in the house.
I don't have to be celibate
just because he is.
Hi, Iben. How's it going?
It's going bloody awful.
I can't take it anymore.
I'll have him picked up soon.
He's just impossible.
- Casper? Frank's here.
- Hi, skipper.
What the hell?
Are you still in bed?
- Aren't you going to get up?
- No. Why should I?
- People don't fucking care about me.
- Yes, they do.
- That's what they say.
- Why do you say that?
Nobody thanks me. Why don't
those fucking comedians thank me?
It just proves to me
that I'm right.
It's all been for nothing.
No, it hasn't. Great artists are
only recognized after their death.
I might as well die. Then they'll
see how much I meant to them.
- Let's go and hang out together.
- I said no, Frank.
Don't you get it?
Just bugger off, will you!
- He said "bugger off".
- No!
What are we going to do?
He keeps going on about people
not saying thank you to him.
Who is he talking about?
All the comedians?
Yeah, the stand-uppers.
He thinks they're ungrateful.
Make them come and thank him, then.
If that's what he wants.
Is this Mette Lisby?
Hi, it's Frank Hvam.
Hi, Jan. It's Frank.
I'm trying to get everyone together.
Casper's depressed.
It'd be cool if you could come.
Hi, did you get my message? Want to
come to a comedian get-together?
We just need to show our gratitude.
Great, Uffe.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah. Bye now.
Super, honey.
I got everybody to come.
But I can't get hold of Hjortsh?j.
I've left 10 messages.
It's hot in here.
Want to come upstairs?
- Can't we..?
- No. Not now.
- Leave me alone.
- When, then?
Stop it.
Hi, everybody. Thanks
for coming to this great event -
- that Casper has put together.
Thanks, Casper.
- Have fun.
- Thanks. Cheers, Casper!
Hi, Casper. Good to see you.
And thank you.
Jan, bloody hell...
Hi, mate.
I just want to say thank you,
Casper. I mean it.
Wulff, old boy!
How are you doing?
Thanks for giving me the part
in "Far From Las Vegas".
The first time I saw you on stage,
you were opening for John & Aage.
Well, you carried the show,
that was obvious...
Uffe, my friend!
How's it going?
Thanks for inviting me. And most
importantly, thanks for everything.
Frank, where's Hjortsh?j?
- Lars? I couldn't get hold of him.
- When's he coming?
- I don't think he's coming.
- Why isn't he coming?
- I left a message.
- Yeah, but he's not here.
What's the use of all these people
thanking me, if Lars isn't going to?
- I left a message for him.
- What the hell is going on?
We've got a pool, drinks,
barbecue... the works.
All I want is some fucking respect!
What do I get? "He's not in... "
He has to thank me! What do I
want them for, if Lars isn't here?
Lars owes me fucking everything!
I don't need this shit.
Mikael Wulff, bloody hell...
You and all your bizarre crap.
A fucking hippo!
You can't even draw.
And Gintberg, look at you.
You can't even say "good evening".
And Geo... "Geo in the Garage".
Go and stay in the bloody garage!
Carsten Bang...
You just move without telling me.
Uffe Holm, you little shit.
We banged some girls, that's all.
You stole all my fucking material.
"Ever tried this? Ever tried that? "
Mette Lisby, Jesus Christ...
You make me sick.
Lars Hjortsh?j needs
to thank me on his knees!
- I'm going out there.
- No, Casper...
Let's hope he's in.
Hi, Frank. Come in.
- What are you doing?
- I'm just having a Lars day.
- A what?
- A "me day", you know.
Didn't you get my message?
About thanking Casper.
Well, that whole thank-you thing
isn't my cup of tea.
- He's sitting in the car now.
- I don't feel the need to join in.
- I have nothing to thank him for.
- I know it's a bit ludicrous.
- But the guy is very sick.
- And self-obsessed.
I don't need to shake hands
with everyone I ever worked with.
Can't you just thank him?
Even if you don't mean it.
No, Frank. I'm not going
to put on an act. No way.
- Could you at least wave to him?
- Yeah, if that's going to help.
Wave and smile.
- What's he doing?
- He's coming. Want to come in?
- Hey. You look shit.
- Thank you. Are we going in?
No, he's got guests.
And he's lost his mobile.
He's really grateful for everything
that you've done for him.
He thanked you for
the "Mandrill" series, and "Safari".
- It was a joint effort.
- He's grateful. Of course he is.
Hi, honey. It was a great success.
All the guys came, and Mette Lisby.
Casper was happy, you know.
We all thanked him.
- Could you come to the kitchen?
- Yes.
Anything wrong?
I just wanted
to have a word with you.
It's weird to have all that
porn stuff on your computer.
What?
What a weird thing to say.
It hurts me that I can't give you
what obviously turns you on.
What are you talking about?
I'm really happy with you.
You've been searching
for "Black booty".
Oh, come on.
Chang told me everything.
He found it on your computer.
Frank... What's going on?
I invited Chang to come
sea kayaking with me.
I don't want him sitting here
all day. He needs to be activated.
- Why does he need to come along?
- Otherwise he'll snoop around.
- I wanted us to be together.
- It'll be great.
Quite an absurd image, seeing
you push a monk into the water.
That's it.
Bloody hell... Lars!
Did you know about this?
- No.
- How cool! Hi, Lars.
- Are you feeling better?
- Yes. Are you coming out?
It was a shame about the other day.
All the comedians were there.
- Well, I had a Lars day, so...
- Let's get going, guys.
Thanks for saying thank you.
It meant a lot to me.
- Thank you for what?
- For all the TV stuff...
- I said I didn't want to thank him.
- Did you thank me or not?
Why should I thank you?
What have you done for me?
- "Don't Forget Your Toothbrush"...
- It was a job, that's all.
It didn't just happen.
I created it and brought you along.
- Who had his hand up your arse?
- Oh, so now I'm a fucking puppet.
- "The Mandrill Treaty", that was me.
- Did you want to sit there alone?
Someone had to
put the whole thing together...
- I'm going out now.
- Is that your buddy out there?
- Christ, he's gone far.
- Yes.
- Frank...
- What?
- Is that Chang's paddle?
- We have to call the police.
We have to go and get him.
You can't go out there.
The currents are too strong.
I've got a mobile in the car.
Let's call the rescue service.
No, Lars. If he gets caught
he'll be sent to China and executed.
Why did you have to fight?
I completely lost my focus.
All Lars needed to do
was say thank you.
On the upside,
he's drifting towards Sweden.
On the way home I thought that
maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
The Swedish refugee policy
is more humane than the Danish one.
Sweden is a leading country
on the refugee issue.
- You don't know if he's in Sweden.
- It's highly likely.
---
We're really happy that Mia -
- has chosen to make her shop
a fair trade vendor.
Well, we're very pleased
to be able to help.
I'm glad that we can now
offer fair trade products.
It's important to secure good
working conditions for the farmers.
There's drinks and something
for the sweet tooth.
Please help yourselves.
- Hi there. Great speech.
- Oh, thanks.
- Do you also work with...
- With charities? Yes, I do.
A bit. I'm very involved
in the Tibetan cause, actually.
- Fascinating conflict, I think.
- Have you been there?
- In Tibet?
- Yes, yes. Yes, I have.
Very nice people.
Would you like to meet up
in a more private setting?
- With you?
- Yes. Just the two of us.
- That was great.
- Yeah.
- The girls aren't up for it.
- No. Nobody else is, either.
All the other comedians
are a bunch of sissies.
- Bloody weird people, aren't they?
- What do you mean?
Well... Take Lars, for example.
I've known him for 15 years.
Not a word of thanks.
- For what?
- Everything I've done for him.
- I've said thanks a million times.
- Yes, and you're alright.
But Hjortsh?j has turned
into an absolute jerk, I think.
- Aren't you just feeling a bit down?
- It doesn't take much to pull me up.
- All he needs to do is thank me.
- Let's not spoil the good mood.
- Is it a joke?
- No, it's a naughty text message.
Oh? Who's it from?
From a Negro girl.
I met her in the tea shop.
Haven't you been with a black girl?
It's like a whole new world!
You see her lying there
with her booty and her pink pussy...
And brown buttocks and everything.
It's crazy, Frank!
- When are you going?
- I'm not. I'm too scared.
- People might find out.
- Cut the crap. Live a little.
You've got to try an afro bitch
once in your life.
Do as I say. Fuck Mia!
You've got a black girl right there.
- Don't be such a coward.
- Well, it's fun just to...
What could be more fun than that?
You never try anything!
- Yes, I do. Maybe I'll do it, then.
- Bang her now!
Casper, we need to put
the kayaks back up!
- Hi.
- Hi. Come in.
Good to see you again.
- It's up here.
- Yeah.
Gosh... It's nice to be here.
Frank, this is strictly
between you and me, right?
- Yes, of course.
- That's great.
Chang?
Chang is a political refugee
from Tibet.
He stands to be expelled.
I'm a member of a secret refugee
network. We hide refugees.
You're so involved in Tibet, so I
thought he could maybe stay with you.
- With me? That guy?
- Yes.
It's not convenient.
We're rebuilding at the moment.
Oh, I see.
Frank...
Why did you bring flowers?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
- Did you think this was a date?
- This? No, no, no.
No, I thought it had something to do
with fair trade or refugee networks.
He's in a terrible fix,
so I brought some flowers.
- Does that mean that you can..?
- Yes, of course.
- I'm glad to be able to help.
- It's so good of you.
Hi, honey.
- I brought a guest. A Tibetan monk.
- You did what?
- What's this?
- He's a monk from Tibet.
- Oh. What's he doing here?
- He's a political refugee.
We have to hide him for a week.
His life is in a danger.
He's been expelled, but he'll
be killed if he goes back to Tibet.
- How did you meet him?
- Through the Danish refugee network.
They asked if we could
help with Chang.
Is he connected to the Dalai Lama?
Chang has been writing
for a dissident newspaper.
He's being persecuted
for using his freedom of speech.
- I'll get the spare bedroom ready.
- Good idea, honey.
I'm really proud of you, darling.
It's not like you
to think about human rights.
- I've always been into that.
- You never told me.
We have to help people
whose lives are in danger.
Can I have a kiss
for saving a Tibetan?
- Who's there?
- It's Mr. Shaggaton.
- He wants to come in.
- Go on, then.
Hello. I'm Mr. Shaggaton.
Go and help him.
Come on.
Take it easy, will you?
It was important.
He should've known
what we were doing.
How could he? Celibate monks
don't think along those lines.
Stop it, Frank. I don't want to.
- But it's Mr. Shaggaton.
- Not now, honey. Move over.
- Why not?
- We have a monk in the house.
I don't have to be celibate
just because he is.
Hi, Iben. How's it going?
It's going bloody awful.
I can't take it anymore.
I'll have him picked up soon.
He's just impossible.
- Casper? Frank's here.
- Hi, skipper.
What the hell?
Are you still in bed?
- Aren't you going to get up?
- No. Why should I?
- People don't fucking care about me.
- Yes, they do.
- That's what they say.
- Why do you say that?
Nobody thanks me. Why don't
those fucking comedians thank me?
It just proves to me
that I'm right.
It's all been for nothing.
No, it hasn't. Great artists are
only recognized after their death.
I might as well die. Then they'll
see how much I meant to them.
- Let's go and hang out together.
- I said no, Frank.
Don't you get it?
Just bugger off, will you!
- He said "bugger off".
- No!
What are we going to do?
He keeps going on about people
not saying thank you to him.
Who is he talking about?
All the comedians?
Yeah, the stand-uppers.
He thinks they're ungrateful.
Make them come and thank him, then.
If that's what he wants.
Is this Mette Lisby?
Hi, it's Frank Hvam.
Hi, Jan. It's Frank.
I'm trying to get everyone together.
Casper's depressed.
It'd be cool if you could come.
Hi, did you get my message? Want to
come to a comedian get-together?
We just need to show our gratitude.
Great, Uffe.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah. Bye now.
Super, honey.
I got everybody to come.
But I can't get hold of Hjortsh?j.
I've left 10 messages.
It's hot in here.
Want to come upstairs?
- Can't we..?
- No. Not now.
- Leave me alone.
- When, then?
Stop it.
Hi, everybody. Thanks
for coming to this great event -
- that Casper has put together.
Thanks, Casper.
- Have fun.
- Thanks. Cheers, Casper!
Hi, Casper. Good to see you.
And thank you.
Jan, bloody hell...
Hi, mate.
I just want to say thank you,
Casper. I mean it.
Wulff, old boy!
How are you doing?
Thanks for giving me the part
in "Far From Las Vegas".
The first time I saw you on stage,
you were opening for John & Aage.
Well, you carried the show,
that was obvious...
Uffe, my friend!
How's it going?
Thanks for inviting me. And most
importantly, thanks for everything.
Frank, where's Hjortsh?j?
- Lars? I couldn't get hold of him.
- When's he coming?
- I don't think he's coming.
- Why isn't he coming?
- I left a message.
- Yeah, but he's not here.
What's the use of all these people
thanking me, if Lars isn't going to?
- I left a message for him.
- What the hell is going on?
We've got a pool, drinks,
barbecue... the works.
All I want is some fucking respect!
What do I get? "He's not in... "
He has to thank me! What do I
want them for, if Lars isn't here?
Lars owes me fucking everything!
I don't need this shit.
Mikael Wulff, bloody hell...
You and all your bizarre crap.
A fucking hippo!
You can't even draw.
And Gintberg, look at you.
You can't even say "good evening".
And Geo... "Geo in the Garage".
Go and stay in the bloody garage!
Carsten Bang...
You just move without telling me.
Uffe Holm, you little shit.
We banged some girls, that's all.
You stole all my fucking material.
"Ever tried this? Ever tried that? "
Mette Lisby, Jesus Christ...
You make me sick.
Lars Hjortsh?j needs
to thank me on his knees!
- I'm going out there.
- No, Casper...
Let's hope he's in.
Hi, Frank. Come in.
- What are you doing?
- I'm just having a Lars day.
- A what?
- A "me day", you know.
Didn't you get my message?
About thanking Casper.
Well, that whole thank-you thing
isn't my cup of tea.
- He's sitting in the car now.
- I don't feel the need to join in.
- I have nothing to thank him for.
- I know it's a bit ludicrous.
- But the guy is very sick.
- And self-obsessed.
I don't need to shake hands
with everyone I ever worked with.
Can't you just thank him?
Even if you don't mean it.
No, Frank. I'm not going
to put on an act. No way.
- Could you at least wave to him?
- Yeah, if that's going to help.
Wave and smile.
- What's he doing?
- He's coming. Want to come in?
- Hey. You look shit.
- Thank you. Are we going in?
No, he's got guests.
And he's lost his mobile.
He's really grateful for everything
that you've done for him.
He thanked you for
the "Mandrill" series, and "Safari".
- It was a joint effort.
- He's grateful. Of course he is.
Hi, honey. It was a great success.
All the guys came, and Mette Lisby.
Casper was happy, you know.
We all thanked him.
- Could you come to the kitchen?
- Yes.
Anything wrong?
I just wanted
to have a word with you.
It's weird to have all that
porn stuff on your computer.
What?
What a weird thing to say.
It hurts me that I can't give you
what obviously turns you on.
What are you talking about?
I'm really happy with you.
You've been searching
for "Black booty".
Oh, come on.
Chang told me everything.
He found it on your computer.
Frank... What's going on?
I invited Chang to come
sea kayaking with me.
I don't want him sitting here
all day. He needs to be activated.
- Why does he need to come along?
- Otherwise he'll snoop around.
- I wanted us to be together.
- It'll be great.
Quite an absurd image, seeing
you push a monk into the water.
That's it.
Bloody hell... Lars!
Did you know about this?
- No.
- How cool! Hi, Lars.
- Are you feeling better?
- Yes. Are you coming out?
It was a shame about the other day.
All the comedians were there.
- Well, I had a Lars day, so...
- Let's get going, guys.
Thanks for saying thank you.
It meant a lot to me.
- Thank you for what?
- For all the TV stuff...
- I said I didn't want to thank him.
- Did you thank me or not?
Why should I thank you?
What have you done for me?
- "Don't Forget Your Toothbrush"...
- It was a job, that's all.
It didn't just happen.
I created it and brought you along.
- Who had his hand up your arse?
- Oh, so now I'm a fucking puppet.
- "The Mandrill Treaty", that was me.
- Did you want to sit there alone?
Someone had to
put the whole thing together...
- I'm going out now.
- Is that your buddy out there?
- Christ, he's gone far.
- Yes.
- Frank...
- What?
- Is that Chang's paddle?
- We have to call the police.
We have to go and get him.
You can't go out there.
The currents are too strong.
I've got a mobile in the car.
Let's call the rescue service.
No, Lars. If he gets caught
he'll be sent to China and executed.
Why did you have to fight?
I completely lost my focus.
All Lars needed to do
was say thank you.
On the upside,
he's drifting towards Sweden.
On the way home I thought that
maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
The Swedish refugee policy
is more humane than the Danish one.
Sweden is a leading country
on the refugee issue.
- You don't know if he's in Sweden.
- It's highly likely.