Klovn (2005–2021): Season 6, Episode 10 - Falsk lorte alarm - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
UP SHIT CREEK
- You're really good at it.
- The cabin's nice too.
- I agree.
- Romantic, with a fireplace and all.
It's just that
you can hear every sound.
You do have a point there.
But it's great
that you had a good time.
Yes, the cabin was on fire.
But we girls lose all sense of place
and time when we have an orgasm.
- Do you get orgasms that way?
- Don't you?
- Not that way.
- Not with Frank?
That's right. Mia doesn't come.
But we still enjoy it.
I don't always ejaculate either,
but it's still nice.
Move your gloves.
- Mia never has an orgasm.
- Iben, please.
It's interesting, isn't it?
Just relax your snatch.
That's what it's about.
Relax your snatch, honey.
The thing is that women have to
learn to trust their sex partner.
- It's psychological.
- So do you trust Casper?
Sure, we're married. Why aren't you?
Because we have to be 100% sure
that we're right for each other.
- I beg your pardon?
- We don't want to jump the gun.
- Not without making sure...
- Are you saying we're not sure?
Well, 99.9 per cent sure...
You're a moron, Frank. A clown.
It's none of my business whether
you and Mia fall out or whatever.
But you're ruining this skiing trip
for all of us.
We've been living together for
seven years. What does she want?
An orgasm, for starters.
Apart from that she needs security.
Marriage will give her that.
Don't tell her you're not sure.
There's no security in marriage.
You screw around more than ever.
And what does that tell you?
That Iben doesn't know a thing,
because she feels secure.
Do the maths. This half of my brain
is dedicated to Iben.
The other half is about birds
and having a good time.
As long as the two don't meet,
I can do what I want.
It's not rocket science.
Go on, propose to her.
- Maybe I should get married.
- Of course. So let's buy rings.
- I'm not going to propose now.
- Could it be more romantic?
New Year's Eve, engagement rings.
Let's go and buy them.
- Buy what?
- Rings, for fuck's sake. Come on.
That's the black slope.
I'm not going down that.
I prefer the red one.
It is embarrassing that
you can't make her come.
- These are really beautiful.
- Yeah, nice stuff.
She likes amber.
How much is this?
- 3,000.
- Frank, if you don't mind...
Amber is crap.
No offence to you.
- But it reminds me of shit.
- Women like diamonds.
So I've heard.
That one is pretty.
- That's more like it, Frank.
- It's got a good feel to it.
- How much is this?
- That one is 20,000.
- Well, amber is...
- Stop it. Give her a diamond.
You've never given her an orgasm.
Don't be cheap.
- Just give her a diamond.
- Please.
- Is it a secret now?
- Not anymore.
- My girlfriend has orgasm trouble.
- She's never had one.
- 20% of women have this problem.
- They don't relax their snatch.
- I've said it before.
- It's not the money.
What is it then?
Well...
I'll take it.
- And we'll economise on the wedding.
- What engraving would you like?
Mia Christensen.
- That was delicious, honey.
- Yes.
- It was elk.
- I really liked it.
I just talked to Jogeir here.
This is Frank...
- I'm going to get married.
- Here's the plan.
We put the ring in the dessert.
Jogeir will garnish it.
Yes, she shouldn't see the ring.
We sit down, then you come in
and put this in front of Mia.
"What's that in my pudding? " Then
you kneel and ask her. The ring?
- Right.
- That's it.
You go back to Mia,
I'll just help Jogeir.
Get in there.
- Well, cheers.
- Here's to a lovely day.
- Here comes our dessert.
- Oooh!
- That looks delicious.
- It's a mocha mousse.
- With a chocolate-balsamic sauce.
- That's my favourite.
- Well, I must say!
- What a surprise.
- Did you arrange this, honey?
- I had no idea.
- Frank! Hi!
- Jakob!
- Look, Bodil.
- What a surprise.
- Maybe you should help him.
- Look, Bodil. How about that?
- Sit down.
- No, we haven't finished eating.
- Frank, we...
- Did you know we were here?
I just happened to pass by.
What luck, eh?
- Frank is always on about Hovden.
- Have some of our dessert.
No!
- We were going to have our dessert.
- We can share.
- We only have four helpings.
- I've eaten too much.
- You can have mine.
- Thanks! How about that, Bodil?
- This is Mia's favourite.
- It's Bodil's favourite too.
This is about Mia now.
- What a delicious dessert.
- Are you done?
It's been ages since I've had
such a nice dessert.
- I've finished too.
- It was really good, honey.
Excuse me.
- We'll be back in a sec.
- Jogeir!
- Where's the ring?
- In the dessert.
- There was no ring.
- I told you to put it on the right.
- I did.
- Not on her right.
Mia is sitting on my left.
She is.
Knock it off,
you're confusing Jogeir.
- Mia is sitting on my left.
- I meant me.
- You told him on the right.
- On Frank's right.
- On Frank's right.
- No...
If Joachim put the dessert
on your right, then I got it.
- This is Frank and me. Where's Mia?
- On my left.
- No, she's on my right.
- You should use my POV.
She's on Frank's right.
That's here.
So Joachim put the glass here.
In front of me.
But I gave my dessert
to The Gimp and Bodil.
I'll leave you to work this out.
- Did you notice anything?
- Bodil ate the lot.
- This is getting weird.
- You just fed her mocha mousse?
- Without checking?
- I usually do.
- You fed a ring to her.
- I didn't know about that.
- You could've worked it out.
- The ring will come out again.
Doesn't Bodil uses nappies?
So next time you check her poo.
I can't do that. I just can't.
- Then what am I supposed to do?
- I don't know.
I'm not searching through her...
So send me a text when the time
comes. Then I'll find the ring.
Let me get this straight.
This is the plan.
When Bodil has a shit,
you text Frank.
Then you will search
through Bodil's shit.
Then the ring
will go into the dessert?
Casper, it cost 20,000.
I...
Let's look on the bright side.
It's going to come out.
Thank God you didn't choose
the amber. We'd never find it.
- Amber and shit...
- Oh, shut up!
- Is anything the matter?
- No.
You're not 100% on top
of this whole left-right thing.
I think the whole idea
is a bit outdated.
A text message from The Gimp.
Why didn't I hear it?
- Because you're wearing a hat.
- Bodil had a crap ages ago.
- So he probably threw out the shit.
- Why didn't I hear?
It's much better without a hat.
- Where are you going?
- I have to check those turds!
That's the black slope!
Jakob! Have you changed her?
I just sent you a text.
It was a false alarm.
A New Year's prank...
- That was so funny!
- So she hasn't taken a dump?
It was just a bit of fun.
I almost broke my neck coming
down the black slope, you know.
- It shows.
- It's not funny, Jakob.
- Well, you fell for it.
- Yes, I did.
I'm going to propose to Mia,
so I need that ring.
- Then you pull such a prank.
- I was bored.
How long do you think it will take?
- It's been a while.
- Then I'll have to wait.
- Here?
- Yes.
- I'm done skiing.
- So can I go for a few hours?
Now that you've ruined
my skiing trip, you mean?
- I haven't been out at all. Please?
- Whatever. This is crazy.
Let's lick some stamps.
- Hi!
- Hi, Iben.
- Hi. What are you doing here?
- We're writing postcards.
- Where's Jakob?
- Skiing.
How sweet of you to baby-sit.
- So he can get some skiing in.
- He was getting bored.
You all right, Bodil?
You're not putting stamps
in her mouth!
- You know I hate the taste.
- So you use her as a moistener?
- Yeah. She's brain-dead.
- We're taking her for a sleigh ride.
Now?
I'll just change her
and put her snowsuit on.
- Come on, Bodil.
- Are you changing her?
- Yeah, before we go.
- Does she smell of shit?
- No, but it's still a good idea.
- Wait a minute.
Good... No need to change her
if she doesn't smell of shit.
We'll be gone for some time.
I'll do it, honey.
You'd only hurt your back again.
- Remember her thermal underwear.
- What?
The thermal underwear.
It's hanging on the wall.
- Frank?
- Yes, I remembered.
Good.
What am I going to do if the ring
hasn't come out by tonight?
- Then I can't propose this year.
- It will.
Don't worry.
She will shit it out.
Imagine getting a ring which has
passed through Bodil's intestines.
You'd better not mention that.
It'll be our secret.
My ear hurts like hell.
And it wanders across to this ear.
- Like a clot. I can hardly hear.
- You should wear a hat.
- What's that got to do with it?
- My ears don't hurt.
- I'm wearing a hat.
- I don't want to look like Noddy.
- As long as you don't get sick.
- I won't. I bought champagne.
Here they are.
I hope she's had a shit.
Hello!
- That was great.
- Hello, sweetie.
Hi, honey.
I've missed you.
- That was fun.
- Wasn't it cold?
It was a bit.
My ear!
What the fuck are you doing?
- Stop!
- Call the horse!
- Stop! Bodil!
- Mia, what are we going to do?
- Fuck, my ear!
- You shouldn't scream.
- What happened?
- We have to phone for help.
- What are we going to do?
- We need a car.
We've got a search party out,
so it'll be fine.
- So she'll survive?
- We expect so.
Sorry, I just found Bodil's
thermal underwear under the bed.
- So she's not wearing any.
- No thermal underwear?
- This is serious.
- We'd better get going.
Why didn't you put the underwear
on her like I said?
I called out to you.
- Have they found her?
- No, they haven't.
- Sorry?
- They haven't!
Don't, Frank.
It was not my fault that the
horse got frightened, honey.
Peek-a-boo.
What do you say?
And I've bought some funny hats
and decorations.
- Try this one.
- That's good, darling.
It's inappropriate to wear funny hats
while Bodil may be freezing to death.
- I'm sorry but...
- What do you mean by that?
- There's nothing we can do.
- People are out looking for her.
We can't do a thing.
Don't you want champagne either?
Why are you suddenly
so interested in wearing a hat?
- What?
- That's a new thing.
I've never had a New Year's Eve
without a hat, -
- but I always go skiing
without a hat.
So put your hat on, Mia.
Those with hats on get champagne.
- Those who want to sulk do not.
- I'm wearing a hat.
It's very simple. Put on your hat
and you'll get champagne.
If you don't wear a hat
you're not with the party.
- There. You're wearing a hat.
- I'll have some, please.
- Thank you.
- Another person with a hat.
And the last person
wearing a hat...
Well, well.
Here's some for you, too.
Come in!
Hello.
Good evening. We've found Bodil,
but I'm afraid she's dead.
- Oh, no!
- I'm sorry.
That's awful.
She's dead.
It looks like she's frozen to death.
Oh, Bodil...
- Who will get her clothes?
- Pardon?
It sounds silly,
but I'd like to have her nappy.
- Come again?
- The nappy she's wearing.
OK...
What do you want that for?
It's midnight.
Happy new year, everybody.
Happy new year.
- You're wearing a woolly hat.
- Yes.
- I thought you didn't wear a hat?
- No, but I'm going home now.
I'm cold.
Could you get the last bag?
- Hello.
- I'm looking for Mia Christensen.
That's me.
The woman who died yesterday
has been autopsied.
We found a ring inside her with
"Mia Christensen" engraved on it.
- Is it yours?
- No, that's not my ring.
- Where did you find it?
- In her intestines.
- It's mine.
- Is it your ring?
Yes.
- Which was in Bodil's intestine?
- Will you marry me?
No, I will not.
Thank you.
Get up, your knees will get wet.
---
UP SHIT CREEK
- You're really good at it.
- The cabin's nice too.
- I agree.
- Romantic, with a fireplace and all.
It's just that
you can hear every sound.
You do have a point there.
But it's great
that you had a good time.
Yes, the cabin was on fire.
But we girls lose all sense of place
and time when we have an orgasm.
- Do you get orgasms that way?
- Don't you?
- Not that way.
- Not with Frank?
That's right. Mia doesn't come.
But we still enjoy it.
I don't always ejaculate either,
but it's still nice.
Move your gloves.
- Mia never has an orgasm.
- Iben, please.
It's interesting, isn't it?
Just relax your snatch.
That's what it's about.
Relax your snatch, honey.
The thing is that women have to
learn to trust their sex partner.
- It's psychological.
- So do you trust Casper?
Sure, we're married. Why aren't you?
Because we have to be 100% sure
that we're right for each other.
- I beg your pardon?
- We don't want to jump the gun.
- Not without making sure...
- Are you saying we're not sure?
Well, 99.9 per cent sure...
You're a moron, Frank. A clown.
It's none of my business whether
you and Mia fall out or whatever.
But you're ruining this skiing trip
for all of us.
We've been living together for
seven years. What does she want?
An orgasm, for starters.
Apart from that she needs security.
Marriage will give her that.
Don't tell her you're not sure.
There's no security in marriage.
You screw around more than ever.
And what does that tell you?
That Iben doesn't know a thing,
because she feels secure.
Do the maths. This half of my brain
is dedicated to Iben.
The other half is about birds
and having a good time.
As long as the two don't meet,
I can do what I want.
It's not rocket science.
Go on, propose to her.
- Maybe I should get married.
- Of course. So let's buy rings.
- I'm not going to propose now.
- Could it be more romantic?
New Year's Eve, engagement rings.
Let's go and buy them.
- Buy what?
- Rings, for fuck's sake. Come on.
That's the black slope.
I'm not going down that.
I prefer the red one.
It is embarrassing that
you can't make her come.
- These are really beautiful.
- Yeah, nice stuff.
She likes amber.
How much is this?
- 3,000.
- Frank, if you don't mind...
Amber is crap.
No offence to you.
- But it reminds me of shit.
- Women like diamonds.
So I've heard.
That one is pretty.
- That's more like it, Frank.
- It's got a good feel to it.
- How much is this?
- That one is 20,000.
- Well, amber is...
- Stop it. Give her a diamond.
You've never given her an orgasm.
Don't be cheap.
- Just give her a diamond.
- Please.
- Is it a secret now?
- Not anymore.
- My girlfriend has orgasm trouble.
- She's never had one.
- 20% of women have this problem.
- They don't relax their snatch.
- I've said it before.
- It's not the money.
What is it then?
Well...
I'll take it.
- And we'll economise on the wedding.
- What engraving would you like?
Mia Christensen.
- That was delicious, honey.
- Yes.
- It was elk.
- I really liked it.
I just talked to Jogeir here.
This is Frank...
- I'm going to get married.
- Here's the plan.
We put the ring in the dessert.
Jogeir will garnish it.
Yes, she shouldn't see the ring.
We sit down, then you come in
and put this in front of Mia.
"What's that in my pudding? " Then
you kneel and ask her. The ring?
- Right.
- That's it.
You go back to Mia,
I'll just help Jogeir.
Get in there.
- Well, cheers.
- Here's to a lovely day.
- Here comes our dessert.
- Oooh!
- That looks delicious.
- It's a mocha mousse.
- With a chocolate-balsamic sauce.
- That's my favourite.
- Well, I must say!
- What a surprise.
- Did you arrange this, honey?
- I had no idea.
- Frank! Hi!
- Jakob!
- Look, Bodil.
- What a surprise.
- Maybe you should help him.
- Look, Bodil. How about that?
- Sit down.
- No, we haven't finished eating.
- Frank, we...
- Did you know we were here?
I just happened to pass by.
What luck, eh?
- Frank is always on about Hovden.
- Have some of our dessert.
No!
- We were going to have our dessert.
- We can share.
- We only have four helpings.
- I've eaten too much.
- You can have mine.
- Thanks! How about that, Bodil?
- This is Mia's favourite.
- It's Bodil's favourite too.
This is about Mia now.
- What a delicious dessert.
- Are you done?
It's been ages since I've had
such a nice dessert.
- I've finished too.
- It was really good, honey.
Excuse me.
- We'll be back in a sec.
- Jogeir!
- Where's the ring?
- In the dessert.
- There was no ring.
- I told you to put it on the right.
- I did.
- Not on her right.
Mia is sitting on my left.
She is.
Knock it off,
you're confusing Jogeir.
- Mia is sitting on my left.
- I meant me.
- You told him on the right.
- On Frank's right.
- On Frank's right.
- No...
If Joachim put the dessert
on your right, then I got it.
- This is Frank and me. Where's Mia?
- On my left.
- No, she's on my right.
- You should use my POV.
She's on Frank's right.
That's here.
So Joachim put the glass here.
In front of me.
But I gave my dessert
to The Gimp and Bodil.
I'll leave you to work this out.
- Did you notice anything?
- Bodil ate the lot.
- This is getting weird.
- You just fed her mocha mousse?
- Without checking?
- I usually do.
- You fed a ring to her.
- I didn't know about that.
- You could've worked it out.
- The ring will come out again.
Doesn't Bodil uses nappies?
So next time you check her poo.
I can't do that. I just can't.
- Then what am I supposed to do?
- I don't know.
I'm not searching through her...
So send me a text when the time
comes. Then I'll find the ring.
Let me get this straight.
This is the plan.
When Bodil has a shit,
you text Frank.
Then you will search
through Bodil's shit.
Then the ring
will go into the dessert?
Casper, it cost 20,000.
I...
Let's look on the bright side.
It's going to come out.
Thank God you didn't choose
the amber. We'd never find it.
- Amber and shit...
- Oh, shut up!
- Is anything the matter?
- No.
You're not 100% on top
of this whole left-right thing.
I think the whole idea
is a bit outdated.
A text message from The Gimp.
Why didn't I hear it?
- Because you're wearing a hat.
- Bodil had a crap ages ago.
- So he probably threw out the shit.
- Why didn't I hear?
It's much better without a hat.
- Where are you going?
- I have to check those turds!
That's the black slope!
Jakob! Have you changed her?
I just sent you a text.
It was a false alarm.
A New Year's prank...
- That was so funny!
- So she hasn't taken a dump?
It was just a bit of fun.
I almost broke my neck coming
down the black slope, you know.
- It shows.
- It's not funny, Jakob.
- Well, you fell for it.
- Yes, I did.
I'm going to propose to Mia,
so I need that ring.
- Then you pull such a prank.
- I was bored.
How long do you think it will take?
- It's been a while.
- Then I'll have to wait.
- Here?
- Yes.
- I'm done skiing.
- So can I go for a few hours?
Now that you've ruined
my skiing trip, you mean?
- I haven't been out at all. Please?
- Whatever. This is crazy.
Let's lick some stamps.
- Hi!
- Hi, Iben.
- Hi. What are you doing here?
- We're writing postcards.
- Where's Jakob?
- Skiing.
How sweet of you to baby-sit.
- So he can get some skiing in.
- He was getting bored.
You all right, Bodil?
You're not putting stamps
in her mouth!
- You know I hate the taste.
- So you use her as a moistener?
- Yeah. She's brain-dead.
- We're taking her for a sleigh ride.
Now?
I'll just change her
and put her snowsuit on.
- Come on, Bodil.
- Are you changing her?
- Yeah, before we go.
- Does she smell of shit?
- No, but it's still a good idea.
- Wait a minute.
Good... No need to change her
if she doesn't smell of shit.
We'll be gone for some time.
I'll do it, honey.
You'd only hurt your back again.
- Remember her thermal underwear.
- What?
The thermal underwear.
It's hanging on the wall.
- Frank?
- Yes, I remembered.
Good.
What am I going to do if the ring
hasn't come out by tonight?
- Then I can't propose this year.
- It will.
Don't worry.
She will shit it out.
Imagine getting a ring which has
passed through Bodil's intestines.
You'd better not mention that.
It'll be our secret.
My ear hurts like hell.
And it wanders across to this ear.
- Like a clot. I can hardly hear.
- You should wear a hat.
- What's that got to do with it?
- My ears don't hurt.
- I'm wearing a hat.
- I don't want to look like Noddy.
- As long as you don't get sick.
- I won't. I bought champagne.
Here they are.
I hope she's had a shit.
Hello!
- That was great.
- Hello, sweetie.
Hi, honey.
I've missed you.
- That was fun.
- Wasn't it cold?
It was a bit.
My ear!
What the fuck are you doing?
- Stop!
- Call the horse!
- Stop! Bodil!
- Mia, what are we going to do?
- Fuck, my ear!
- You shouldn't scream.
- What happened?
- We have to phone for help.
- What are we going to do?
- We need a car.
We've got a search party out,
so it'll be fine.
- So she'll survive?
- We expect so.
Sorry, I just found Bodil's
thermal underwear under the bed.
- So she's not wearing any.
- No thermal underwear?
- This is serious.
- We'd better get going.
Why didn't you put the underwear
on her like I said?
I called out to you.
- Have they found her?
- No, they haven't.
- Sorry?
- They haven't!
Don't, Frank.
It was not my fault that the
horse got frightened, honey.
Peek-a-boo.
What do you say?
And I've bought some funny hats
and decorations.
- Try this one.
- That's good, darling.
It's inappropriate to wear funny hats
while Bodil may be freezing to death.
- I'm sorry but...
- What do you mean by that?
- There's nothing we can do.
- People are out looking for her.
We can't do a thing.
Don't you want champagne either?
Why are you suddenly
so interested in wearing a hat?
- What?
- That's a new thing.
I've never had a New Year's Eve
without a hat, -
- but I always go skiing
without a hat.
So put your hat on, Mia.
Those with hats on get champagne.
- Those who want to sulk do not.
- I'm wearing a hat.
It's very simple. Put on your hat
and you'll get champagne.
If you don't wear a hat
you're not with the party.
- There. You're wearing a hat.
- I'll have some, please.
- Thank you.
- Another person with a hat.
And the last person
wearing a hat...
Well, well.
Here's some for you, too.
Come in!
Hello.
Good evening. We've found Bodil,
but I'm afraid she's dead.
- Oh, no!
- I'm sorry.
That's awful.
She's dead.
It looks like she's frozen to death.
Oh, Bodil...
- Who will get her clothes?
- Pardon?
It sounds silly,
but I'd like to have her nappy.
- Come again?
- The nappy she's wearing.
OK...
What do you want that for?
It's midnight.
Happy new year, everybody.
Happy new year.
- You're wearing a woolly hat.
- Yes.
- I thought you didn't wear a hat?
- No, but I'm going home now.
I'm cold.
Could you get the last bag?
- Hello.
- I'm looking for Mia Christensen.
That's me.
The woman who died yesterday
has been autopsied.
We found a ring inside her with
"Mia Christensen" engraved on it.
- Is it yours?
- No, that's not my ring.
- Where did you find it?
- In her intestines.
- It's mine.
- Is it your ring?
Yes.
- Which was in Bodil's intestine?
- Will you marry me?
No, I will not.
Thank you.
Get up, your knees will get wet.