Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 7 - Hør nu efter Frank! - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
WILL YOU LISTEN, FRANK!
Welcome to this introductory meeting
for our trip to China.
I've compiled a programme.
If you could pass them round.
We'll be together for some time,
so why not introduce ourselves.
- Peter.
- Jette...
And you?
- Ouch!
- Any questions?
Well, aren't we going to
the Forbidden City?
- Yes, we are. On day 2.
- She said that before.
Any other questions?
- Well, I must say!
- I've got fire in my pants.
I'm so horny.
Jesus!
It's raining beautiful birds.
Our guide to China has a very
low-cut blouse. It got me spinning.
- Yeah, once you get started.
- That cleavage is deep.
- Did you get what you needed?
- Yeah, it was just some Viagra.
I'm going to Iben's,
so I need a help to get a stiffy.
Always banging away
at the same old hole, man.
Here we go again.
- No need for Viagra there.
- I'm going to Mia's.
- Good for you, Frank.
- Mia is a saucy little sparrow.
- So it's like fucking Edith Piaf!
- Maybe.
Stop! That was great.
Thank you.
Just a reminder:
next time we meet -
- the annual team photo
will be taken.
It's going up over there, so we can
follow your proud development.
Don't forget: clean uniforms,
so you can look your best.
I just want to say that I'm going
to have my hair cut, too.
I've made an appointment too,
so you're not the only one.
- Wow, it's going to be wicked!
- Thank you.
- Is your kid taking the picture?
- Yes, it will be Stig, as usual.
- Is that really a good idea?
- It's worked quite well so far.
The last two years
I had my eyes closed.
We can't bin a photo just because
one guy has his eyes closed.
You'd bin it
if we all had our eyes closed.
That's where
three eyes law comes in.
If at least three people
close their eyes -
- the picture is thrown away.
- See you next time.
- I've never heard of that law.
- You're not a photographer.
- No. The three eyes law...
- Beer, Frank?
- Bloody Stig will take the photo.
- What does it matter?
- My eyes have been closed twice.
- It's your own fault.
- It's because Stig is dumb.
- And you can't face that?
- He doesn't say 'now' or 'smile'.
Or 'cheese' or whatever.
Not a peep.
Cut it out, Frank.
It's your turn to do the washing.
I did it the last time.
I'm going to China,
so I'm kind of busy.
- You can wash it before you go.
- I have to learn Chinese.
Give it here, I'll do it.
- Because you're going to China.
- I'll do it next time.
Get off!
You're not allowed on the sofa.
Honey, we're going to China,
and he's going to a dog pension.
- You need cheering up, don't you?
- Get down. Now look here.
Well, honey...
Susan said they had
been to the rice paddies too.
Remember that tomorrow.
Pernille is coming too.
- I told you she got burgled.
- Yeah..
You remember that?
Frank! Hello!
Remember tomorrow.
- I will. I'm on the ball.
- You seem so unconcentrated.
- I can see your pussy.
- Christ!
You weren't listening
to the travel guide either.
This is the only cage that's free.
But the cages are all the same.
- How do you like that, Muffi?
- It's fine.
He'll have dogs on both sides.
That one arrives tomorrow.
- Is that one sick?
- No, it's just a bit shy.
- Is it the Morten Olsen?
- Yes, our national coach.
We look after his dog,
when he's training the national team.
Sounds sensible.
It's not like we're doing so well.
We've missed
two international finals now.
- We really like Morten Olsen.
- He's really trying to hide now.
It's a bit shy.
It's daddy's dog for sure.
- So there's a loser dog next to him?
- It's take it or leave it.
There are no loser dogs here.
- We'll take it.
- Good. Thanks.
It was just my personal opinion
about Morten Olsen.
- Safe journey home.
- Thanks.
You'll be next to Morten Olsen's dog.
Now don't put up with anything.
You own Morten Olsen's dog.
Want to ride shotgun?
Back home again.
- Hi, honey.
- Meow...
Hello, Pernille. Susan.
We're looking at pictures
from Pernille's trip.
- So how are you?
- I'm all right.
- You hesitate.
- It takes time to get over the shock.
It will soon pass.
You just have to get back
in the saddle.
- I hear you left the window open.
- Yes, he came in that way.
You must remember. We got burgled
because Mia left the window open.
It's simply an open invitation.
You moron! Nobody sends
an invitation to be raped!
- Was she raped by the burglar?
- I told you yesterday.
- Why don't you listen!
- What are we going to do?
I'll sort it out. Pernille!
I'm terribly sorry.
I misunderstood Mia.
Pernille, come out,
so we can talk about it.
- She's having a relapse.
- I didn't do anything, honey.
- He's gone, Pernille.
- What were you thinking?
I told you she was raped!
Why can't you behave?
Out, Muffi.
That was not good, Muffi.
I didn't know she'd been raped.
I wasn't listening.
All because I'm so horny.
Are you taken your Viagra?
No, I'm not. You know what?
I don't feel like fucking her.
I mean, we're fond of each other -
- and we're a nice couple,
on the surface.
But if I don't feel like it,
she can't force me.
I'd miss it.
I like sleeping with Mia.
That's great. No one... Of course
people want to sleep with Mia.
But nobody wants to sleep with
their girlfriends after 2-3 years.
You're the only one I know who still
wants to screw his girlfriend.
But then, I'm going to China.
That's painful.
That's the price you have to pay.
Dear oh dear.
Thanks for the beer.
- Can I take my fencing uniform?
- Iben!
- Bring Frank's fencing uniform.
- I want to check it in the mirror.
- Out of my way. Here you are.
- But that's dirty.
I asked you to wash those clothes.
It's like this: no action in bed,
no action in the washing machine.
If you don't do your duty,
I don't do mine. Wash it yourself.
Fucking hell!
- Shall I do it?
- No, she's got to do it.
- We need the clothes for the photo.
- Iben will wash them.
- I'll see to that.
- Maybe you should take some Viagra.
I shouldn't have to take pills
to get my clothes washed.
She'll wash those fucking clothes.
Even if I have to rape her.
Hi, sweetie.
I'm really sorry.
I know.
She's better now.
Are they still here?
Then I'm off.
They've heard you come in.
Close the door.
They know that you
didn't do it on purpose.
You're a good man.
It's just that they can't see it.
I think you're right.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank.
I'm so sorry, Pernille.
My deepest apologies.
I had not been fully informed.
I thought it was just a theft.
But it got out of hand.
Stupid Frank.
- Forget it, Frank.
- It's good to talk about it.
I didn't exactly know what happened.
I feel better
although I'm still shaken.
- When they catch him...
- Haven't they?
I think I'll feel a bit safer then.
I have an idea. You could borrow
Muffi while we're in China.
- Gosh, that's a good idea.
- A really good idea.
- So he can look after me.
- I'm sure he'd love to.
- Not bad, Frank.
- I'll be able to go for walks too.
This rape thing really had
an impact on Mia and me.
- We're only too glad to help.
- Thank you.
I'll cancel the dog pension.
- We'll give you enough dog food.
- Hello, Frank Hvam speaking.
I visited you this afternoon.
But we've decided -
- that we want to cancel.
We won't have our dog staying
next to Morten Olsen's dog.
We're afraid it will turn our dog
into a loser dog. Good day.
That's that taken care of.
Hello, guys.
- So it's time to take snaps.
- You're not even changed yet.
I will, in a minute.
I just wanted to check the set-up.
Everything is ready.
We're just waiting for you.
And you've told Stig
about the eyes?
I've agreed with Stig that
he will raise his left arm, -
- so everybody knows that
they have to open their eyes.
Do you understand, Stig?
What will you do, exactly?
- And press when you're down?
- Yes.
He's dumb, not deaf.
You can speak normally.
Fine.
I'll go and change, then.
Cut it out.
The joke's on you too, Frank.
You're in the same boat.
- What happened?
- Iben did it. On purpose.
- You still haven't screwed?
- What are we going to do, Jon?
- What do you mean?
- It's Frank, Kristian and me...
- You look fine.
- Can we postpone the photo session?
- Frank is going to China.
- I'm willing to sacrifice Frank.
That's all very well,
but there are other people here.
- You decide, Jon...
- That's right, I decide.
Stig has prepared everything.
Get your helmet and rapier.
Let's get on with it.
Finito. Now!
- You can wash your stuff yourself.
- It was your turn.
I'm not the one
who can't get it up.
I've thought of something. Jon
told me about the three eyes law.
If three people in a photo have their
eyes closed, the photo is binned.
- We won't know when.
- Stig will give a signal.
Every time he drops his arm,
we close our eyes.
- All the pictures will be binned.
- Would that work?
- It's better than this.
- Try.
- I couldn't see.
- Let's do it.
Next time you wash
when your turn comes.
I'll go and change.
I'm looking forward to going, honey.
Hi. Welcome back.
Not long now.
- I'll just go to the loo.
- Are you packed?
We've made a start.
Mia has packed.
I was wondering if you could
put on another blouse?
This one's really low-cut.
So I have trouble focusing -
- on your otherwise
useful information.
It's because your breasts
are very beautiful.
They really catch my eye.
- Then I stop listening.
- I don't know what to say.
As far as I'm concerned you can be
topless before and after the meeting.
Just be reasonably decent
while you're giving information.
Because it goes in one ear
and out the other.
I explained that I can't focus on the
information because of her cleavage.
- Then you'll have to look away.
- I've tried.
- Okay.
- Shall we sit down and get started?
- Take my chair.
- Welcome back.
Here's something about insurance.
In case someone has to cancel.
- We've taken ours out already.
- What?
Insurance!
You've been scolding me yourself
for not listening.
- I had to act on it.
- But not like that.
I may have gone too far.
- Hello, Frank.
- This is Mia, my girlfriend.
Jon is the chairman of the fencing
club. You getting some exercise?
Yeah, you need fresh air.
The team photo got binned
due to the three eyes law.
Isn't it odd that the three of you
in pink all had your eyes shut?
- Well...
- I think you did it deliberately.
- No, I didn't.
- You didn't?
You were the only one who knew
the three eyes law.
- It's generally known.
- It's something I made up.
To get my son off the hook.
- What was that all about?
- It's complicated.
- We're going to Pernille, Muffi.
- Do you have my passport?
Of course.
Hello, Pernille.
Hi, Muffi. I'm so glad
that I can borrow him.
I'm sure we'll get along.
Would you like a drink?
- A spring roll to get started.
- When are we due at the airport?
In 45 minutes.
- I'll put the food in the kitchen.
- All right.
Are you satisfied with this, Muffi?
And your favourite frisbee.
Are you cheeky?
Are you cheeky?
Daddy can do what he wants.
You like that, eh?
I'll give it to you...
What's going on?
- What happened?
- I just gave Muffi a tumble.
You idiot, that's where it happened.
Get out!
This is Frank Hvam.
I looked at a dog cage -
- the other day.
But then I cancelled.
Now it's on again, actually.
That was a joke. I have nothing
against Morten Olsen.
He can stay on as national coach
until 2050, as far as I'm concerned.
For Christ's sake, Frank!
She's broken down completely.
- I'll have to call Susan.
- The dog pension is full.
- What are we going to do?
- I don't know.
We'll have to stay home.
If we can't get a dog sitter.
- You were looking forward to this.
- Yes. Shit!
- I'd better go.
- Yes.
I'm going to miss you.
Really.
Let's go home, Muffi.
Mummy was well pissed off.
Muffi! Muffi!
Come to Daddy.
Look, Muffi.
This is it.
I'm going to rape you.
Stop it!
No you don't!
That's enough!
Idiot.
You can't even do that.
---
WILL YOU LISTEN, FRANK!
Welcome to this introductory meeting
for our trip to China.
I've compiled a programme.
If you could pass them round.
We'll be together for some time,
so why not introduce ourselves.
- Peter.
- Jette...
And you?
- Ouch!
- Any questions?
Well, aren't we going to
the Forbidden City?
- Yes, we are. On day 2.
- She said that before.
Any other questions?
- Well, I must say!
- I've got fire in my pants.
I'm so horny.
Jesus!
It's raining beautiful birds.
Our guide to China has a very
low-cut blouse. It got me spinning.
- Yeah, once you get started.
- That cleavage is deep.
- Did you get what you needed?
- Yeah, it was just some Viagra.
I'm going to Iben's,
so I need a help to get a stiffy.
Always banging away
at the same old hole, man.
Here we go again.
- No need for Viagra there.
- I'm going to Mia's.
- Good for you, Frank.
- Mia is a saucy little sparrow.
- So it's like fucking Edith Piaf!
- Maybe.
Stop! That was great.
Thank you.
Just a reminder:
next time we meet -
- the annual team photo
will be taken.
It's going up over there, so we can
follow your proud development.
Don't forget: clean uniforms,
so you can look your best.
I just want to say that I'm going
to have my hair cut, too.
I've made an appointment too,
so you're not the only one.
- Wow, it's going to be wicked!
- Thank you.
- Is your kid taking the picture?
- Yes, it will be Stig, as usual.
- Is that really a good idea?
- It's worked quite well so far.
The last two years
I had my eyes closed.
We can't bin a photo just because
one guy has his eyes closed.
You'd bin it
if we all had our eyes closed.
That's where
three eyes law comes in.
If at least three people
close their eyes -
- the picture is thrown away.
- See you next time.
- I've never heard of that law.
- You're not a photographer.
- No. The three eyes law...
- Beer, Frank?
- Bloody Stig will take the photo.
- What does it matter?
- My eyes have been closed twice.
- It's your own fault.
- It's because Stig is dumb.
- And you can't face that?
- He doesn't say 'now' or 'smile'.
Or 'cheese' or whatever.
Not a peep.
Cut it out, Frank.
It's your turn to do the washing.
I did it the last time.
I'm going to China,
so I'm kind of busy.
- You can wash it before you go.
- I have to learn Chinese.
Give it here, I'll do it.
- Because you're going to China.
- I'll do it next time.
Get off!
You're not allowed on the sofa.
Honey, we're going to China,
and he's going to a dog pension.
- You need cheering up, don't you?
- Get down. Now look here.
Well, honey...
Susan said they had
been to the rice paddies too.
Remember that tomorrow.
Pernille is coming too.
- I told you she got burgled.
- Yeah..
You remember that?
Frank! Hello!
Remember tomorrow.
- I will. I'm on the ball.
- You seem so unconcentrated.
- I can see your pussy.
- Christ!
You weren't listening
to the travel guide either.
This is the only cage that's free.
But the cages are all the same.
- How do you like that, Muffi?
- It's fine.
He'll have dogs on both sides.
That one arrives tomorrow.
- Is that one sick?
- No, it's just a bit shy.
- Is it the Morten Olsen?
- Yes, our national coach.
We look after his dog,
when he's training the national team.
Sounds sensible.
It's not like we're doing so well.
We've missed
two international finals now.
- We really like Morten Olsen.
- He's really trying to hide now.
It's a bit shy.
It's daddy's dog for sure.
- So there's a loser dog next to him?
- It's take it or leave it.
There are no loser dogs here.
- We'll take it.
- Good. Thanks.
It was just my personal opinion
about Morten Olsen.
- Safe journey home.
- Thanks.
You'll be next to Morten Olsen's dog.
Now don't put up with anything.
You own Morten Olsen's dog.
Want to ride shotgun?
Back home again.
- Hi, honey.
- Meow...
Hello, Pernille. Susan.
We're looking at pictures
from Pernille's trip.
- So how are you?
- I'm all right.
- You hesitate.
- It takes time to get over the shock.
It will soon pass.
You just have to get back
in the saddle.
- I hear you left the window open.
- Yes, he came in that way.
You must remember. We got burgled
because Mia left the window open.
It's simply an open invitation.
You moron! Nobody sends
an invitation to be raped!
- Was she raped by the burglar?
- I told you yesterday.
- Why don't you listen!
- What are we going to do?
I'll sort it out. Pernille!
I'm terribly sorry.
I misunderstood Mia.
Pernille, come out,
so we can talk about it.
- She's having a relapse.
- I didn't do anything, honey.
- He's gone, Pernille.
- What were you thinking?
I told you she was raped!
Why can't you behave?
Out, Muffi.
That was not good, Muffi.
I didn't know she'd been raped.
I wasn't listening.
All because I'm so horny.
Are you taken your Viagra?
No, I'm not. You know what?
I don't feel like fucking her.
I mean, we're fond of each other -
- and we're a nice couple,
on the surface.
But if I don't feel like it,
she can't force me.
I'd miss it.
I like sleeping with Mia.
That's great. No one... Of course
people want to sleep with Mia.
But nobody wants to sleep with
their girlfriends after 2-3 years.
You're the only one I know who still
wants to screw his girlfriend.
But then, I'm going to China.
That's painful.
That's the price you have to pay.
Dear oh dear.
Thanks for the beer.
- Can I take my fencing uniform?
- Iben!
- Bring Frank's fencing uniform.
- I want to check it in the mirror.
- Out of my way. Here you are.
- But that's dirty.
I asked you to wash those clothes.
It's like this: no action in bed,
no action in the washing machine.
If you don't do your duty,
I don't do mine. Wash it yourself.
Fucking hell!
- Shall I do it?
- No, she's got to do it.
- We need the clothes for the photo.
- Iben will wash them.
- I'll see to that.
- Maybe you should take some Viagra.
I shouldn't have to take pills
to get my clothes washed.
She'll wash those fucking clothes.
Even if I have to rape her.
Hi, sweetie.
I'm really sorry.
I know.
She's better now.
Are they still here?
Then I'm off.
They've heard you come in.
Close the door.
They know that you
didn't do it on purpose.
You're a good man.
It's just that they can't see it.
I think you're right.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank.
I'm so sorry, Pernille.
My deepest apologies.
I had not been fully informed.
I thought it was just a theft.
But it got out of hand.
Stupid Frank.
- Forget it, Frank.
- It's good to talk about it.
I didn't exactly know what happened.
I feel better
although I'm still shaken.
- When they catch him...
- Haven't they?
I think I'll feel a bit safer then.
I have an idea. You could borrow
Muffi while we're in China.
- Gosh, that's a good idea.
- A really good idea.
- So he can look after me.
- I'm sure he'd love to.
- Not bad, Frank.
- I'll be able to go for walks too.
This rape thing really had
an impact on Mia and me.
- We're only too glad to help.
- Thank you.
I'll cancel the dog pension.
- We'll give you enough dog food.
- Hello, Frank Hvam speaking.
I visited you this afternoon.
But we've decided -
- that we want to cancel.
We won't have our dog staying
next to Morten Olsen's dog.
We're afraid it will turn our dog
into a loser dog. Good day.
That's that taken care of.
Hello, guys.
- So it's time to take snaps.
- You're not even changed yet.
I will, in a minute.
I just wanted to check the set-up.
Everything is ready.
We're just waiting for you.
And you've told Stig
about the eyes?
I've agreed with Stig that
he will raise his left arm, -
- so everybody knows that
they have to open their eyes.
Do you understand, Stig?
What will you do, exactly?
- And press when you're down?
- Yes.
He's dumb, not deaf.
You can speak normally.
Fine.
I'll go and change, then.
Cut it out.
The joke's on you too, Frank.
You're in the same boat.
- What happened?
- Iben did it. On purpose.
- You still haven't screwed?
- What are we going to do, Jon?
- What do you mean?
- It's Frank, Kristian and me...
- You look fine.
- Can we postpone the photo session?
- Frank is going to China.
- I'm willing to sacrifice Frank.
That's all very well,
but there are other people here.
- You decide, Jon...
- That's right, I decide.
Stig has prepared everything.
Get your helmet and rapier.
Let's get on with it.
Finito. Now!
- You can wash your stuff yourself.
- It was your turn.
I'm not the one
who can't get it up.
I've thought of something. Jon
told me about the three eyes law.
If three people in a photo have their
eyes closed, the photo is binned.
- We won't know when.
- Stig will give a signal.
Every time he drops his arm,
we close our eyes.
- All the pictures will be binned.
- Would that work?
- It's better than this.
- Try.
- I couldn't see.
- Let's do it.
Next time you wash
when your turn comes.
I'll go and change.
I'm looking forward to going, honey.
Hi. Welcome back.
Not long now.
- I'll just go to the loo.
- Are you packed?
We've made a start.
Mia has packed.
I was wondering if you could
put on another blouse?
This one's really low-cut.
So I have trouble focusing -
- on your otherwise
useful information.
It's because your breasts
are very beautiful.
They really catch my eye.
- Then I stop listening.
- I don't know what to say.
As far as I'm concerned you can be
topless before and after the meeting.
Just be reasonably decent
while you're giving information.
Because it goes in one ear
and out the other.
I explained that I can't focus on the
information because of her cleavage.
- Then you'll have to look away.
- I've tried.
- Okay.
- Shall we sit down and get started?
- Take my chair.
- Welcome back.
Here's something about insurance.
In case someone has to cancel.
- We've taken ours out already.
- What?
Insurance!
You've been scolding me yourself
for not listening.
- I had to act on it.
- But not like that.
I may have gone too far.
- Hello, Frank.
- This is Mia, my girlfriend.
Jon is the chairman of the fencing
club. You getting some exercise?
Yeah, you need fresh air.
The team photo got binned
due to the three eyes law.
Isn't it odd that the three of you
in pink all had your eyes shut?
- Well...
- I think you did it deliberately.
- No, I didn't.
- You didn't?
You were the only one who knew
the three eyes law.
- It's generally known.
- It's something I made up.
To get my son off the hook.
- What was that all about?
- It's complicated.
- We're going to Pernille, Muffi.
- Do you have my passport?
Of course.
Hello, Pernille.
Hi, Muffi. I'm so glad
that I can borrow him.
I'm sure we'll get along.
Would you like a drink?
- A spring roll to get started.
- When are we due at the airport?
In 45 minutes.
- I'll put the food in the kitchen.
- All right.
Are you satisfied with this, Muffi?
And your favourite frisbee.
Are you cheeky?
Are you cheeky?
Daddy can do what he wants.
You like that, eh?
I'll give it to you...
What's going on?
- What happened?
- I just gave Muffi a tumble.
You idiot, that's where it happened.
Get out!
This is Frank Hvam.
I looked at a dog cage -
- the other day.
But then I cancelled.
Now it's on again, actually.
That was a joke. I have nothing
against Morten Olsen.
He can stay on as national coach
until 2050, as far as I'm concerned.
For Christ's sake, Frank!
She's broken down completely.
- I'll have to call Susan.
- The dog pension is full.
- What are we going to do?
- I don't know.
We'll have to stay home.
If we can't get a dog sitter.
- You were looking forward to this.
- Yes. Shit!
- I'd better go.
- Yes.
I'm going to miss you.
Really.
Let's go home, Muffi.
Mummy was well pissed off.
Muffi! Muffi!
Come to Daddy.
Look, Muffi.
This is it.
I'm going to rape you.
Stop it!
No you don't!
That's enough!
Idiot.
You can't even do that.