Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 5 - Den japanske have - full transcript
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---
THE JAPANESE GARDEN
Look, Mia... In relation
to what we talked about -
- I thought we could make
a Japanese garden.
We'll get rid of all the grass
and bushes and put out gravel.
You know, like they have
in the Zen gardens.
And then some big stones.
- Don't you like Japanese gardens?
- Yes. If you like that, do it.
As the crowning glory
we'll have...
It's just a suggestion.
You decide.
... a big pool
with Japanese Koi carps.
- Great idea.
- Do you know them?
- They're big goldfish?
- Enormous goldfish. Look.
Ta-da.
Here, Frank.
There are lots of different types.
Kiwa, Sumi, Tora...
Great idea.
Can you dig it, Dad?
I thought it could be a project
for my son-in-law and me.
Good idea.
You can do some digging.
- Are we digging that hole?
- Yes. It's our project.
We're busy with the
diving certificate, honey.
We're going to Thailand, you know.
Casper and Iben are getting married,
so we're taking diving certificates.
- They're getting married underwater.
- Yes, at the bottom of the sea.
Very romantic. And impractical.
We all need diving certificates.
We'll work it out.
Make a U-turn when possible
and then turn left.
It's a suction disc.
- Is it "Change settings"?
- Just write the address.
Yes, but I have
to find the place to do it.
Turn left...
Go to the menu and then
choose " Navigate to" and...
- "Change settings". It's not that.
- Choose "Latest preferred".
"Review as text"...
I can't go back now.
- "Done." And then back.
- Choose "Latest preferred".
I don't understand this.
Is it the travel plan or..?
Choose "Navigate to"
and then "Latest preferred".
Jesus, are you stupid or what?
Let's look at it together.
"Latest preferred"... Holmen.
Royal Navy Diving Course
- Howdy.
- Hi.
What's up, Jacques Cousteau?
Hi, Tina.
- Hi, Frank. Hi, Mia.
- Are you ready?
- Have you been studying?
- Oh, yes.
All we need is the certificate.
Then it's off to Thailand!
- Ready?
- 100 percent.
The only aid you're allowed
to have is your chart.
You have 30 minutes.
Here you are.
- Here, Frank.
- Thanks.
30 minutes, starting from now.
Go ahead.
- Frank, can I see your drawing?
- Why?
- Why?
- I just want to see it.
- Shall I help you write as well?
- Relax.
I'll buy you a hooker
in Thailand, okay?
Time's up.
Was it hard?
- No. Not really.
- Everything's under control here?
There was just one thing in the chart
that I wasn't sure about.
- But otherwise...
- No problems? Good, Lars.
Great, Frank.
It'll look great. Under water,
corals, fish, and love...
- I think you'll enjoy it.
- How do you say "I do"?
No, wait... That's "going up".
Like this.
I need to ask you something.
Would you like to be my best man?
At the wedding?
Yes, I'd like to.
I couldn't imagine
anyone else but you.
- This is for the best man.
- A best man present?
This is for you.
Omega Seamaster.
- Do you like it?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.
- I'm glad you said yes.
- It's a great honour.
But there are certain
commitments. The first thing is...
I need a little favour.
It's to do with the wedding.
You know I've been shagging Signe
Lindkvist, the children's TV host.
Now that I'm getting married
I need to end it.
I've ended most of them,
but this one is a bit tricky.
She lives on Ceresvej 22.
Just go and tell her it's over.
- You want me to break up with her?
- Yes. You're my messenger.
- Why don't you do it yourself?
- I don't trust her.
I'm afraid she'll blow up
or make a scene.
- Can't you text her?
- No. She can't have it in writing.
- Why are you getting me involved?
- You like the watch, right?
And you want to be the best man?
Then help me out.
Say hi to Mia. See you.
Turn left,
then take the second turn left.
After 80 metres, turn right.
Arrival at destination.
Hi. I'm here
on an unusual errand.
I know Casper Christensen.
He asked me to tell you -
- that he's getting married,
so he can't see you anymore.
- He sent you to tell me that?
- It's because I'm the best man.
- He sends his best man?
- We help each other out.
But now you know.
He doesn't want to see you again.
- Who is it?
- Some English guy who's lost.
Why are we speaking English?
What? Is that..?
- Come on, sweetheart.
- Who was that?
Casper, I'm happy to help,
but you should have prepared me.
- I didn't know you had a son.
-You didn't need to know.
-I don't answer to you.
- You made me look like an idiot.
The girl was crying, and the
little boy had tears in his eyes.
Well, it's part of being
the best man. But now it's done.
-I have to go and buy bagels.
- Alright. Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Where have you been?
- At work.
I called the office an hour ago.
You weren't there.
- I just went for a drive.
- Where to?
- I went to look at carps.
- Oh. Did you find any?
Yes. I found some funny ones
in that brochure.
Maybe that pool
isn't such a bad idea after all.
Isn't this the one my dad brought?
No. I got that brochure
from the Carp Centre.
- It looks exactly like it.
- It's not. Look at the pictures.
- It's the same pictures.
- Your dad's fish were different.
- I just think they look similar.
- God, no.
It's two
completely different species.
- You talk to me like I'm stupid.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- I didn't mean to attack you.
- I'm just saying it.
- Ask me what time it is, Lars.
- What's the time?
- Omega Seamaster.
- God, what a cool watch!
- I got it as a best man's present.
- You're the best man?
- Congratulations. Is it for diving?
- I'd love one of those.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I've got the results.
Lars and Frank, congratulations.
You each had one mistake.
The same one. Well done.
Tina and Mia, I'm sorry.
You didn't pass.
- What do we now, then?
- I've arranged for a test tomorrow.
I think you know
what you need to read up on.
I'm sure it'll work out tomorrow.
Guys, if you go and put your
gear on, I'll meet you next door.
Number five... I knew it!
- Did you miss that one as well?
- Yes. Funnily enough.
Study hard now.
This is the most important test.
Helping a buddy who's out of air.
Show me "I'm out of air".
Lars will signal to you, Frank.
He takes out his mouthpiece,
signals, and then you step in.
- And help him up to the surface.
- He gets my mouthpiece?
- You're the only one who's got air.
- We take turns.
- Keep calm.
- Ready, Frank.
- So he uses my mouthpiece?
- Yes. Imagine that he's out of air.
You have to help him up.
Let's get it over with.
Show me your best.
Relax, Lars!
Come on. Relax.
Breathe in.
Nice and easy.
Get up on the step.
Lie down here.
- Is he okay?
- Like hell I am!
- Get up, Frank.
- He's got a cold sore.
You completely deserted me!
- Get up.
- Why didn't you give me air?
- What's going on?
- Frank didn't want to give me air.
- I nearly died down there!
- What were you thinking?
Your buddy signaled he was out
of air, and then you pushed him away.
- Cold sores are infectious.
- Not when there's a scab.
You deserted your buddy.
I can't let you pass. Go home.
- Are you failing me for this?
- You bet. This is unforgivable.
You should have
backed out sooner.
- When you saw his cold sore.
- Thank God I did back out.
Yes, but it was a bad time.
Lars almost died in the water.
- Imagine if we'd had herpes.
- I see what you mean.
- Let's concentrate on you now.
- Keep your fingers crossed.
- I think I'll pass.
- Me too.
My parents are coming tomorrow
to help with the carp pool.
- Alright?
- Yes.
Right. Now...
How's it going?
Sorry? We've measured
everything and put the sticks in.
How about something
to warm you up?
You're not moving enough.
Come on in.
- We need to put on the string.
- Don't worry. You'll get there.
- Yes. We'll get there.
- I'd like a cup, thanks.
I'd like a cup
when I'm finished.
- Hi, honey. How did it go?
- I passed.
- Congratulations!
- That's excellent.
- It's your lovely, big brain.
- Congratulations, Mia.
- It was lucky I found it.
- Why?
- I ended up in the wrong place.
- Did you get lost?
I pressed "Latest preferred"
and ended up on Ceresvej.
- What were you doing out there?
- That's where the Carp Centre is.
- On Ceresvej?
- Yes. It's a new one.
I didn't know that
Signe Lindkvist owned a carp shop.
- Yes...
- Mia, I don't like your tone.
Frank says he's been out
to look at carps.
- I just think it's strange.
- Well, it's very easy to prove.
We'll go out there
and look at carps.
- We're going to the carp shop.
- Now? But I just made coffee.
I'd like to finish this.
Now that we've started it...
Turn right.
Arrival at destination.
Arrival.
- They might not be open.
- No, but let's go and look.
Hi. We'd like to look
at a Koi carp.
A Koi carp? I don't know
what you're talking about.
But I think it's extremely mean
of Casper to send you.
I don't know you,
but that's just bloody mean.
And you can tell him...
Jerk!
Why didn't you tell me?
Because it's a secret.
- Well?
- They didn't have any carps.
Honey...
- My mum understands English.
- What child?
Casper and Signe Lindkvist have
a son. But don't tell anybody.
- So Iben doesn't know?
- Don't be stupid, Mum.
If it wasn't for that cold sore
I would've been Jacques Cousteau.
Jesus, Frank!
You drowned him...
Yes, but he passed.
And I failed.
I don't think you can be the
best man, now that you failed.
- You'll be at the surface...
- Honey? I have a question.
- Marzipan ring cake or petit fours?
- Marzipan ring cake.
Well, what to do...
I'll ask Lars to be the best man.
He'll be down there with me.
Can I have the watch back?
I want to give it to Lars,
now that he's the best man.
- Do you have the box?
- No, I threw it out.
I'll just give it to him like this.
- I'm not sure about marzipan cake.
- Then we'll have petit fours.
- I don't think it's fair.
- Without the box?
No, I mean... everything.
I've done all those best man jobs.
I broke it off with Signe Lindkvist
and met your son.
Don't mention it ever again.
I'm scared someone will find out.
- If Iben finds out I'm dead.
- Mia knows about it.
- How come Mia knows?
- We went there. It's a long story.
- And Mia's parents...
- Mia is going to tell Iben.
- No. She knows it's hush-hush.
- I don't trust women.
There's too much at stake here.
You can't come to Thailand.
I can't take that risk
on my wedding day.
Mia and Iben?
- I can't do it, Frank.
- Why are you shouting?
We can't come to Thailand.
According to Casper.
- Why not?
- Because...
Because Frank's been an arse
and said some ugly things about Iben.
- I won't have that.
- What did he say?
- That you were a lousy actress...
- Why did he say that?
- What did you say?
- Find your own way out.
He found out that
you know about the boy.
- He's afraid you'll blurt it out.
- I'm not going to.
I know. But with a secret son
you're bound to be paranoid.
I've already bought sun lotion...
- Use it next year.
- No. It goes off.
Right, Frank...
Here's our first carp.
Are you almost there?
- No, far from it.
- Well, it's looking good.
- Yes?
-Hi, Frank. It's Casper.
Lars has got
decompression sickness.
-He ballsed up the charts.
- He cheated on the theory test.
So why don 't you and Mia
come to our wedding down here?
We'll do it on land,
and you'll be my best man.
I've told Iben everything
about the boy and Signe.
- Was that wise?
-Oh, yes.
When you get married
you should have a clear conscience.
- And it happened before I met Iben.
- No. The boy is only 7.
- You've known Iben for 9 years.
- That's why I've said the boy is 13.
Get on the next plane.
I'm looking forward to seeing you.
Honey? I just talked to Casper.
I'm the best man again.
- Lars has got the bends.
- Oh, no.
- Casper invited us to come.
- To Thailand?
- Yes! We can still make it.
- I better get packing, then.
---
THE JAPANESE GARDEN
Look, Mia... In relation
to what we talked about -
- I thought we could make
a Japanese garden.
We'll get rid of all the grass
and bushes and put out gravel.
You know, like they have
in the Zen gardens.
And then some big stones.
- Don't you like Japanese gardens?
- Yes. If you like that, do it.
As the crowning glory
we'll have...
It's just a suggestion.
You decide.
... a big pool
with Japanese Koi carps.
- Great idea.
- Do you know them?
- They're big goldfish?
- Enormous goldfish. Look.
Ta-da.
Here, Frank.
There are lots of different types.
Kiwa, Sumi, Tora...
Great idea.
Can you dig it, Dad?
I thought it could be a project
for my son-in-law and me.
Good idea.
You can do some digging.
- Are we digging that hole?
- Yes. It's our project.
We're busy with the
diving certificate, honey.
We're going to Thailand, you know.
Casper and Iben are getting married,
so we're taking diving certificates.
- They're getting married underwater.
- Yes, at the bottom of the sea.
Very romantic. And impractical.
We all need diving certificates.
We'll work it out.
Make a U-turn when possible
and then turn left.
It's a suction disc.
- Is it "Change settings"?
- Just write the address.
Yes, but I have
to find the place to do it.
Turn left...
Go to the menu and then
choose " Navigate to" and...
- "Change settings". It's not that.
- Choose "Latest preferred".
"Review as text"...
I can't go back now.
- "Done." And then back.
- Choose "Latest preferred".
I don't understand this.
Is it the travel plan or..?
Choose "Navigate to"
and then "Latest preferred".
Jesus, are you stupid or what?
Let's look at it together.
"Latest preferred"... Holmen.
Royal Navy Diving Course
- Howdy.
- Hi.
What's up, Jacques Cousteau?
Hi, Tina.
- Hi, Frank. Hi, Mia.
- Are you ready?
- Have you been studying?
- Oh, yes.
All we need is the certificate.
Then it's off to Thailand!
- Ready?
- 100 percent.
The only aid you're allowed
to have is your chart.
You have 30 minutes.
Here you are.
- Here, Frank.
- Thanks.
30 minutes, starting from now.
Go ahead.
- Frank, can I see your drawing?
- Why?
- Why?
- I just want to see it.
- Shall I help you write as well?
- Relax.
I'll buy you a hooker
in Thailand, okay?
Time's up.
Was it hard?
- No. Not really.
- Everything's under control here?
There was just one thing in the chart
that I wasn't sure about.
- But otherwise...
- No problems? Good, Lars.
Great, Frank.
It'll look great. Under water,
corals, fish, and love...
- I think you'll enjoy it.
- How do you say "I do"?
No, wait... That's "going up".
Like this.
I need to ask you something.
Would you like to be my best man?
At the wedding?
Yes, I'd like to.
I couldn't imagine
anyone else but you.
- This is for the best man.
- A best man present?
This is for you.
Omega Seamaster.
- Do you like it?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.
- I'm glad you said yes.
- It's a great honour.
But there are certain
commitments. The first thing is...
I need a little favour.
It's to do with the wedding.
You know I've been shagging Signe
Lindkvist, the children's TV host.
Now that I'm getting married
I need to end it.
I've ended most of them,
but this one is a bit tricky.
She lives on Ceresvej 22.
Just go and tell her it's over.
- You want me to break up with her?
- Yes. You're my messenger.
- Why don't you do it yourself?
- I don't trust her.
I'm afraid she'll blow up
or make a scene.
- Can't you text her?
- No. She can't have it in writing.
- Why are you getting me involved?
- You like the watch, right?
And you want to be the best man?
Then help me out.
Say hi to Mia. See you.
Turn left,
then take the second turn left.
After 80 metres, turn right.
Arrival at destination.
Hi. I'm here
on an unusual errand.
I know Casper Christensen.
He asked me to tell you -
- that he's getting married,
so he can't see you anymore.
- He sent you to tell me that?
- It's because I'm the best man.
- He sends his best man?
- We help each other out.
But now you know.
He doesn't want to see you again.
- Who is it?
- Some English guy who's lost.
Why are we speaking English?
What? Is that..?
- Come on, sweetheart.
- Who was that?
Casper, I'm happy to help,
but you should have prepared me.
- I didn't know you had a son.
-You didn't need to know.
-I don't answer to you.
- You made me look like an idiot.
The girl was crying, and the
little boy had tears in his eyes.
Well, it's part of being
the best man. But now it's done.
-I have to go and buy bagels.
- Alright. Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Where have you been?
- At work.
I called the office an hour ago.
You weren't there.
- I just went for a drive.
- Where to?
- I went to look at carps.
- Oh. Did you find any?
Yes. I found some funny ones
in that brochure.
Maybe that pool
isn't such a bad idea after all.
Isn't this the one my dad brought?
No. I got that brochure
from the Carp Centre.
- It looks exactly like it.
- It's not. Look at the pictures.
- It's the same pictures.
- Your dad's fish were different.
- I just think they look similar.
- God, no.
It's two
completely different species.
- You talk to me like I'm stupid.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- I didn't mean to attack you.
- I'm just saying it.
- Ask me what time it is, Lars.
- What's the time?
- Omega Seamaster.
- God, what a cool watch!
- I got it as a best man's present.
- You're the best man?
- Congratulations. Is it for diving?
- I'd love one of those.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I've got the results.
Lars and Frank, congratulations.
You each had one mistake.
The same one. Well done.
Tina and Mia, I'm sorry.
You didn't pass.
- What do we now, then?
- I've arranged for a test tomorrow.
I think you know
what you need to read up on.
I'm sure it'll work out tomorrow.
Guys, if you go and put your
gear on, I'll meet you next door.
Number five... I knew it!
- Did you miss that one as well?
- Yes. Funnily enough.
Study hard now.
This is the most important test.
Helping a buddy who's out of air.
Show me "I'm out of air".
Lars will signal to you, Frank.
He takes out his mouthpiece,
signals, and then you step in.
- And help him up to the surface.
- He gets my mouthpiece?
- You're the only one who's got air.
- We take turns.
- Keep calm.
- Ready, Frank.
- So he uses my mouthpiece?
- Yes. Imagine that he's out of air.
You have to help him up.
Let's get it over with.
Show me your best.
Relax, Lars!
Come on. Relax.
Breathe in.
Nice and easy.
Get up on the step.
Lie down here.
- Is he okay?
- Like hell I am!
- Get up, Frank.
- He's got a cold sore.
You completely deserted me!
- Get up.
- Why didn't you give me air?
- What's going on?
- Frank didn't want to give me air.
- I nearly died down there!
- What were you thinking?
Your buddy signaled he was out
of air, and then you pushed him away.
- Cold sores are infectious.
- Not when there's a scab.
You deserted your buddy.
I can't let you pass. Go home.
- Are you failing me for this?
- You bet. This is unforgivable.
You should have
backed out sooner.
- When you saw his cold sore.
- Thank God I did back out.
Yes, but it was a bad time.
Lars almost died in the water.
- Imagine if we'd had herpes.
- I see what you mean.
- Let's concentrate on you now.
- Keep your fingers crossed.
- I think I'll pass.
- Me too.
My parents are coming tomorrow
to help with the carp pool.
- Alright?
- Yes.
Right. Now...
How's it going?
Sorry? We've measured
everything and put the sticks in.
How about something
to warm you up?
You're not moving enough.
Come on in.
- We need to put on the string.
- Don't worry. You'll get there.
- Yes. We'll get there.
- I'd like a cup, thanks.
I'd like a cup
when I'm finished.
- Hi, honey. How did it go?
- I passed.
- Congratulations!
- That's excellent.
- It's your lovely, big brain.
- Congratulations, Mia.
- It was lucky I found it.
- Why?
- I ended up in the wrong place.
- Did you get lost?
I pressed "Latest preferred"
and ended up on Ceresvej.
- What were you doing out there?
- That's where the Carp Centre is.
- On Ceresvej?
- Yes. It's a new one.
I didn't know that
Signe Lindkvist owned a carp shop.
- Yes...
- Mia, I don't like your tone.
Frank says he's been out
to look at carps.
- I just think it's strange.
- Well, it's very easy to prove.
We'll go out there
and look at carps.
- We're going to the carp shop.
- Now? But I just made coffee.
I'd like to finish this.
Now that we've started it...
Turn right.
Arrival at destination.
Arrival.
- They might not be open.
- No, but let's go and look.
Hi. We'd like to look
at a Koi carp.
A Koi carp? I don't know
what you're talking about.
But I think it's extremely mean
of Casper to send you.
I don't know you,
but that's just bloody mean.
And you can tell him...
Jerk!
Why didn't you tell me?
Because it's a secret.
- Well?
- They didn't have any carps.
Honey...
- My mum understands English.
- What child?
Casper and Signe Lindkvist have
a son. But don't tell anybody.
- So Iben doesn't know?
- Don't be stupid, Mum.
If it wasn't for that cold sore
I would've been Jacques Cousteau.
Jesus, Frank!
You drowned him...
Yes, but he passed.
And I failed.
I don't think you can be the
best man, now that you failed.
- You'll be at the surface...
- Honey? I have a question.
- Marzipan ring cake or petit fours?
- Marzipan ring cake.
Well, what to do...
I'll ask Lars to be the best man.
He'll be down there with me.
Can I have the watch back?
I want to give it to Lars,
now that he's the best man.
- Do you have the box?
- No, I threw it out.
I'll just give it to him like this.
- I'm not sure about marzipan cake.
- Then we'll have petit fours.
- I don't think it's fair.
- Without the box?
No, I mean... everything.
I've done all those best man jobs.
I broke it off with Signe Lindkvist
and met your son.
Don't mention it ever again.
I'm scared someone will find out.
- If Iben finds out I'm dead.
- Mia knows about it.
- How come Mia knows?
- We went there. It's a long story.
- And Mia's parents...
- Mia is going to tell Iben.
- No. She knows it's hush-hush.
- I don't trust women.
There's too much at stake here.
You can't come to Thailand.
I can't take that risk
on my wedding day.
Mia and Iben?
- I can't do it, Frank.
- Why are you shouting?
We can't come to Thailand.
According to Casper.
- Why not?
- Because...
Because Frank's been an arse
and said some ugly things about Iben.
- I won't have that.
- What did he say?
- That you were a lousy actress...
- Why did he say that?
- What did you say?
- Find your own way out.
He found out that
you know about the boy.
- He's afraid you'll blurt it out.
- I'm not going to.
I know. But with a secret son
you're bound to be paranoid.
I've already bought sun lotion...
- Use it next year.
- No. It goes off.
Right, Frank...
Here's our first carp.
Are you almost there?
- No, far from it.
- Well, it's looking good.
- Yes?
-Hi, Frank. It's Casper.
Lars has got
decompression sickness.
-He ballsed up the charts.
- He cheated on the theory test.
So why don 't you and Mia
come to our wedding down here?
We'll do it on land,
and you'll be my best man.
I've told Iben everything
about the boy and Signe.
- Was that wise?
-Oh, yes.
When you get married
you should have a clear conscience.
- And it happened before I met Iben.
- No. The boy is only 7.
- You've known Iben for 9 years.
- That's why I've said the boy is 13.
Get on the next plane.
I'm looking forward to seeing you.
Honey? I just talked to Casper.
I'm the best man again.
- Lars has got the bends.
- Oh, no.
- Casper invited us to come.
- To Thailand?
- Yes! We can still make it.
- I better get packing, then.