Klovn (2005–2021): Season 4, Episode 8 - Hejsan Sverige - full transcript

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HEYSAN SWEDEN

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

- Welcome to the company, Lars.
- Thank you.

What I'm hoping for by bringing
you into the company -

- is to get another dimension
into the things that Frank and I do.

- We're thinking internationally.
- Exactly.

Imagine a stool with only two legs.

You can rest on it, but it's
not steady. It needs a third leg.

- That's you.
- I'm really glad you're in.

So am I, damn it.
Welcome, Lars.



- Towards new horizons. Cheers.
- Cheers.

- We've got a little...
- A little present.

Of course we trust you 100 %,
but nevertheless -

- our first company present
to you is a lie detector.

- No..!
- Look.

- What do I do?
- Put your hand here.

We'll ask you some questions,
and if you lie you'll get zapped.

- Are you happy to join us?
- Yes.

- Are you happy with the split?
- Well...

- Are you in love with your wife?
- Ouch! Shit!

Ouch!

Welcome to the company.
We can get that out anytime.

- Bloody hell.
- Did you learn your lesson?

- In our company, we don't lie.
- Hi, honey.



I just got electrocuted.
It's really nice.

- Congratulations, Lars.
- Thanks.

- Don't forget the swing set.
- Do we have to discuss that now?

- You promised to do it today.
- I will.

- What is it with that swing set?
- Mia doesn't want it.

- Strange time to ask you.
- It reminds her of children.

- Shall we take it down?
- Yes, would you help me?

- Do you want another bottle?
- Yes, please.

Whisky?
What about some whisky?

Frank? Frank?

Wake up.
There's a man in our garden.

- What?
- There's a man in our garden.

Say something.

Eh... I think
you're on private property.

You need to go away, okay?

- He's mentally retarded.
- Is he?

- Yes.
- Go down there.

You need to go out the same way
you came in. Go away!

He doesn't understand.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is my son, Mikkel.
- Oh...

- We live next door.
- I asked Mikkel to go out.

- Yes, I heard.
- He's trespassing.

We had an arrangement with
the people who lived here before.

Mikkel could use the swing, whenever
he wanted to. Didn't they tell you?

Not directly, but...

Mikkel doesn't have many joys
in life. He loves to swing.

- We're not too happy about that.
- It's okay.

- Thanks. That's nice of you.
- What?

Come on. Go inside.

We can't have a spaz
sitting in our garden.

- You could have taken it down.
- Is it my fault now?

You promised to get rid of it.
Now we're stuck with him.

- Are you ready?
- Let's get going.

- Ready for Sweden?
- Oh yes.

I'm so looking forward to this.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mia!

- Have you had a fight?
- It's that swing.

It's just a bloody swing set.

It's just a bloody swing set.

We've now got
an autistic boy using it.

- We can't stop him.
- Make sure he doesn't want to, then.

You have to try and use
a bit of psychology.

The mentally retarded
have to have a treat...

- A reward.
- A reward. "Make your bed."

Or a punishment if they misbehave.
"You didn't make your bed." Bang!

Make sure he has a bad experience
every time he goes on the swing.

- Beat him with a stick or...
- Adjust his behaviour.

He would get bruises.
That won't do.

Give him a small electric shock.
Use a car battery or something.

- It's dead unpleasant.
- I've got one here.

- We've got the solution right here.
- Frank, it's completely harmless.

It's not very far now.

- We've been going 300 km.
- Yeah, alright...

We're there within 20 minutes.
We have to leave the big roads now -

- and move into the... the outback,
or whatever the hell it's called.

What a great car.

-... TV and films and so on.
- Are you an actor?

Yes, we all are.
Would you like to become an actor?

- And you live here in..?
- Yes, I live in town.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We'd like this
and some diesel as well.

- Come by, if you want to.
- Yes, I'd like that.

Bring some friends.
We could do dinner, right?

We've got food and wine.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- What was that?
- Swedish flickor.

- A bit of...
- God, you're efficient.

I'm dead quick.
I'm a snabbig sk?dis p? loppis.

This way and then... left.

- That's nice.
- What a nice place.

- Pure Swedish idyll.
- "Hejsan, Sweden."

- It's old shite.
- Derelict farms always are.

It was built back
in the mid-70's.

Can you feel the harmony? It's cool
that we can do these things together.

That's the thing about stools.
You need the right balance.

- I've got a bite!
- No way, Frank.

- Pull it in, nice and gently.
- Wow...

- Great-looking fish.
- Get it, Lars.

It's a perch. Great, Lars.

Watch out.
It's got spines on its back.

- How cool.
- I've got it.

Leave it in the net.
I'll release it.

- What do you want to do that for?
- That's what you do.

- Who does that?
- Proper anglers.

- Is it dangerous?
- What are you on about?

It's to keep the stocks. So others
can experience the same joy.

What kind of
idiotic thinking is that, -

- catching a fish again and again,
until its mouth is really sore?

It's "catch and release".
That's the philosophy behind it.

My philosophy is "catch and eat".
You're just jealous.

No, I'm not. You've completely
misunderstood this. Release it.

No, I'm not. You've completely
misunderstood this. Release it.

- Not after all that hassle.
- Hassle? You threw out a line.

We've only been here an hour.
You're not killing it...

- Bloody hell, Frank.
- Right. It's dead now.

- God, that's disgusting.
- What are you doing, Lars?

You don't take the bullet out
out of a deer, either -

- and then stitch it up again
and let it go.

Why did you have to kill it?

- You've got a good throw.
- I had the right flick of the wrist.

Do you think he's still angry?

- Lars?
- Lars?

- He's in the car.
- Is he sulking?

Lars!

- Hi, Lars. Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm just reading.

- Why are you in the car?
- Because it's got light.

What are you reading?

- "Dances With Wolves"?
- Are you sulky?

I just thought it was weird
that you used the knife.

Come on, Lars.
I'd like us all to clear the air.

The three of us are up here to...
to make a stool.

It's stupid if the two of you
get in a clinch.

If the stool only has two legs
it'll fall over.

Yeah, fall over
or scratch the floor...

Maybe I was...
Sometimes I lose my temper.

- That's understandable.
- I'd like to apologise.

That's it.

- Great, Lars.
- Cool. Time for red wine.

What the hell is that?
You've got to be kidding.

- Hey.
- Hi there.

- Was it hard to find?
- No.

- Hello there.
- Hi.

- Oh...
- Hi. Welcome.

You slipped under my arms...
Good to see you.

- Frank.
- Carolina.

Welcome.

Dear friends, welcome to our house.
Let's have a nice evening.

What the hell is that?

- That's a good one.
- I made a hat.

It's Pierrot.
Is that the map?

Yeah. I put Sweden on my head.

- Would you like to try?
- I'll drown in it.

That's great. We've got the same
head size. Did you know that?

- Good night. We're going up.
- What are you doing?

Well, we've had enough.
Will you put out the fire..?

- Yeah, yeah.
- So will we, then.

Carolina,
your eyes are really beautiful, -

- when the light from the flames -

- meets the Swedish night sky.

The sparks in the fire
are like the stars in your eyes.

- That's sweet.
- Ever seen a star up close?

It's just a sand ball
with a big crater in it.

Excuse me.
I have to pee.

Frank, move up the field.
I'm on a home run.

- She's yours, you mean?
- Damn right.

You've been sitting there with the
hat on, and you haven't scored once.

- Oh.
- So good night, Frank.

- Carolina, come and sit down.
- I think I'll go to bed as well.

- Okay...
- Thanks for a nice evening.

Right. Oh...

- Sleep tight.
- Good night.

Oh.

- I'm 66 percent there.
- With that one?

- Yes...
- She's 100 percent gone.

- Sleep tight, mate.
- Thanks.

- Sleep tight.
- It's great to have you here.

- I've had a great day.
- We're so glad you joined us.

Just one more,
and then it's time for bed.

No! No!

What's going on?

- Get down there.
- I've got no idea.

Get off!

No!

- What are you doing, Lars?
- Lars! Lars!

- What are you doing, Lars?
- Lars! Lars!

Get off her!
What the hell are you doing?

Relax. I was just...

You sick bastard!
Are you demented or what?

Take it easy.
There's no reason to...

What's happening..?

Are you leaving?

Well...

But you also have to remember -

- that if we have good team spirit -

- there has to be room
to step out of line.

I just don't think
he can represent us.

- We've done some stuff as well..
- Oh, yes.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good work.
- Well done... welcome to Sweden.

- Damn, I've got a headache.
- Nice way of saying goodbye.

They've got public access
in this country, don't they?

You owe us some Swedish pussy.
I'm serious.

"Du skyllar p? knulla,"
as they say in Swedish.

My fault. It wasn't...

It's Casper.
Hi, Melinda. Hi...

Yeah...

God, yeah. We're just sitting
here and... we're shocked...

Lars feels really bad about it.

She's done what?

No, Melinda, Melinda.
Hold on.

No, he hasn't.
Why would she say that?

Now? Okay, I'll tell him.
Fine. Bye.

- She's told people she was raped.
- By me?

- She told her family and...
- I didn't do a thing.

Her brother and his friends
are on their way up here now.

- And they're not coming for beer.
- I'm going now, then.

I don't know about you,
but I'm packing now.

- I'm really bad at fighting.
- We're not going to fight.

- We're not...
- I can't fight.

No, not for Lars.

- Why don't we call the police?
- He raped her, damn it.

- Well, not really.
- Do you want to go to court?

- We'll pack.
- Let's go.

- Go now, Frank.
- Easy. Remember whose fault this is.

- Come on, Frank.
- Go, damn it!

- It's dead.
- Isn't it just the alarm..?

- No. It's completely dead.
- Did you have the reading light on?

- Yes.
- And you switched it off again?

- I'm not sure about that.
- Did you put the light on to read?

You have to switch it off again.
Otherwise you use all the power.

You don't have to be Edison
to figure that out.

What a shitty car if you
can't even put the light on.

Let's proceed systematically
and follow the lead.

Can you use the power
from a mobile phone? And reboot?

An extra battery
would have been good.

- That's why you need a spare.
- What's this? It's... no.

Bloody hell.

- Jesus.
- Casper, you deal with this.

- There we have the bastards.
- Hi.

This is private property.
You have no right to enter.

I don't know what you heard,
but you can put those clubs back.

I'm getting out of here.
Run, damn it!

Run!

Stop, Frank. Stop.

- Where are they?
- I can't go any further.

Be quiet.

Quiet, Lars.

We lost them.

Alright, guys.

Those fucking Swedish bastards
can't beat us. We'll run.

- We can't go back that way.
- Let's walk out to the main road.

- We can't go back that way.
- Let's walk out to the main road.

We'll hitch a lift to G?teborg.

And then we have to find someone
to pick up your car.

Well... The stool
certainly ran like the blazes.

- Can we have a break?
- No, we're almost there.

Frank, can I have a biscuit?
Thank you.

Watch those branches.
They can take out your eye.

- I can't be bothered anymore.
- We've already been here.

This is where we started.

I can recognise that stone.
This is where we started.

- We've been here before.
- I can't walk anymore.

If you hadn't made
that Napoleon's hat -

- we would have had a map.

If we'd had a car battery
we wouldn't need the map.

- We came from that side.
- No, we came from there.

No, it's more... no...

Sitting here right now
I can see that...

That... I'm really sorry
about that thing yesterday.

I feel that I'm the one
who's put us in this situation.

I'm glad you say that.
I think you overstepped the mark.

Now we've said it, right?

- Are you hungry?
- Jesus, man. I'm bloody starving.

- Could we have the biscuits, Lars?
- Oh yeah. Cool.

Well...

- How could you eat 25 biscuits?
- I was hungry.

You can't just eat all 400 grams.
It's 100 grams each -

- and 100 grams to share.
That's 133 grams of biscuit each.

I asked you if you wanted biscuits
when we were walking over there.

And you said no.

We were going
to save them for dinner.

Is this some kind of quiz? Do I have
to guess when you want biscuits?

I'm going to lie down.

Frank, I can hear a car.
Lars, wake up. It's a car!

Hush...
It's over here. Come on!

Hey! Hey! It's Melinda.
Hey, Melinda!

Hey! Hey! Melinda!

Melinda!

At last. I've looked for you
everywhere.

Come in. I've been so worried.

That's great.
Thanks, Melinda.

Out. I don't want you in here.

- What?
- Out!

Why the hell can't I go?

- We'll find another car.
- I'd like to go with Melinda.

Come on, Frank. We'll find
someone else and go together.

I'm still angry about the biscuits.

- Do you call this a stool?
- Not anymore.

You leave one of the legs
out in the woods.

Casper and I are more
like a married couple -

- who adopted a boy and
regretted it afterwards. So...

Hey.

Hey!

Hi, honey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Did you wire up the swing?
- No.

No...

Did they find electricity out there?

Mikkel has lost all urge
to go on the swing.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Frank, did you wire up
the swing set?

No, I didn't.