Klovn (2005–2021): Season 4, Episode 7 - Piverts polterabend - full transcript

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THE GIMP'S BACHELORS PARTY

You're good with a stick, Mia.

You're good with a stick, Mia.

Yeah, we get a lot of joy
from that in this house.

Mia's stick work.

What's this thing about The Gimp
getting married? It's ridiculous.

- It's because he loves her.
- No.

No longer. He hasn't
talked to her for two years.

- Were you invited as well?
- Yes.

Isn't it silly?
I'm not his bloody friend.

- No. Are you going?
- God, no.



It would almost be charity,
showing up for that crap.

I've already done my three
charity events this years.

The Cancer Society, the AIDS
Foundation and a tsunami song, -

- just in case.

I think you would be
really bored at the wedding.

Is this where the stag night
is being arranged?

- Hi there.
- Hi, Frank.

- Troels.
- Jan.

- Hi. Sit down.
- Thanks.

- You also work in Moller's Fridges?
- Yes.

Yeah, I've got
some quick assistants here.

It's cool. We've done a draft.
A suggestion.

We'll kidnap him from work
and take him to the city centre.

Then we'll dress him up
in ladies' underwear.



And then we'll make him sell kisses.

It'll be great fun.

After that, we'll go out
to Frederiksberg Park.

Lots of beer and rounders.

The ladies' underwear
is not my cup of tea.

Well, you're not wearing it.
Jacob is.

We'll stand in the background
and let him roast for a bit.

- Finn, are you going to finish soon?
- Yes, we'll only be a minute.

Can I make a comment
about rounders?

Why don't we go for paintball,
like we discussed on the phone?

It's too expensive.
It would cost...

You can't do a proper stag night
for 300 kroner.

Then you end up with rounders.
Paintball is more unusual.

Okay, we'll drop rounders.
Rounders is out.

And then we'll go
for the small paintball event.

Okay.

Finn, I have to ask you
to finish now. I'm...

- I can't relax.
- It's okay.

If we meet up at quarter past one
it'll be 45 minutes.

- Just help yourself.
- It'll be great.

- See you, guys.
- See you, Finn.

- It was a sad meeting, honey.
- Isn't it always like that?

No, it's because of The Gimp's
so-called friends.

- They're really stingy.
- Will it be a decent stag night?

- What do you mean?
- Are you going to have striptease?

No, honey.
There's no money for that.

What if there was?

Well... We wouldn't have
gone for a stripper anyway.

- I've seen enough of that.
- I quite agree.

I don't know what to do
about Bodil's hen night.

The problem is that
none of her friends are coming.

- They've all dropped out.
- I wouldn't go for paintball.

I have to get up early
to go fishing, honey.

- You're not used to this.
- The alarm went off at 5 : 30.

- It's perfect weather.
- Let's hope we're in luck.

- Don't you want to come up?
- Yes.

Hi, Casper.

Hi, Jacob.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.

- This is Sofie.
- Hi. Jacob.

Thanks for your help.
Excellent. Good.

- I'll talk to you later.
- Yes.

Wait there.
Take care. Bye, bye.

- Hi there.
- Who was that?

- Hi there.
- Who was that?

That was Sofie.

- Are you and Iben on a break?
- No, why do you ask?

No, we're doing great.
This is a girl I'm working with.

I'm working constantly at the moment.

I'm buried in work.

- Yes.
- Nice to see you, Casper.

- Did you get the wedding invitation?
- Yes, we'd love to come.

I told you so.
It's just grand.

- Of course.
- It'll be the party of the year.

- Fantastic invitation, by the way.
- It was one of Bodil's old ideas.

- It's good.
- Well, we're going fishing.

See you, Casper.

- Who was that?
- What are you doing here?

We're going fishing.

- Why are you screwing her?
- I'm not.

- Can I trust him?
- Yes, I think so.

I need to be sure, damn it.
Can I trust him?

I can't be sure,
but he's usually alright.

I'm coming to the wedding.
And to the stag night as well.

Are you doing a stag night?
I have to keep an eye on him.

If he talks to Iben...

- Frank.
- I'm coming.

Things are great
between me and Iben right now.

- And then you have to cycle by.
- It's seven o'clock.

- You better get home.
- Seven?

- See you at the wedding.
- Yeah. It'll be grand!

It's cool of him to come.

I'm really looking forward to it.
It'll be a great wedding.

Why did you invite Casper?

Because he's my friend.

Yeah. But I didn't know
he was a good friend of yours.

Well, I've seen him
from time to time.

You've seen him at my place,
but you don't see him in private.

Your friends are my friends.
That's how I feel.

Alright. As long
as you're not disappointed.

It's great to have different people,
to get the party going.

Yeah, it's fine.
I was just thinking...

The kissing that we saw...

- We better keep quiet about it.
- I think it's strange.

Casper's situation is different
from yours. And mine.

He's a well-known celebrity.

He gets plenty of offers,
and he says no again and again.

But sometimes he lets his guard
down and forgets to say no.

And he ends up kissing some girl.
He shouldn't be punished for that.

- It's a world we don't understand.
- You don't kiss other girls.

No, but I've been close.

I don't understand how you
can do that, if you love someone.

- Shall we do another half hour?
- That's six fish.

Iben and I have different blood
types, so we eat different things.

- What a load of mumbo jumbo.
- No. You ought to be tested.

Casper's blood type is only found
in less than one percent.

It's called AB Rhesus negative,
also known as the elitist...

- The elite. The elite blood type.
- The final stage in the evolution.

They've discovered that people with
this blood type are an elite race.

Me, Clinton, John Updike...
There are many of us.

It's fun discovering
that sort of thing.

It's also extremely rare
to have three ears.

Don't be negative.
It's this sort of fact which...

- Here's Jacob.
- I haven't seen Bodil for ages.

- No thanks. We just ate.
- We're eating, Jacob.

- Hi. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Hi, Jacob.

We just wanted to say hi.

- Have you got Bodil there?
- I've got a surprise for you.

Excellent!

I was down there
buying some line anyway.

Is that a grand lure,
or is that a grand lure?

Cool present, man.

Great friendship.
You help each other.

- Well, I'll see you at the wedding.
- We're looking forward to it.

- We haven't...
- Sweetheart.

- I had a good chat with...
- I thought we were busy.

I would like to do this.

We don't need to talk about it
anymore, Jacob. We'll be there.

We just did the seating plan,
and you're in it.

Of course we're coming.
It'll be great.

If Bodil was to have
some sort of hen night...

Do you think there's a chance
that Iben... that you could...

Bodil knows Iben from
the "Anna Pihl" TV series.

You can't invite all the people
you've seen on TV.

- Mia and I will sort something out.
- It won't be too wild.

Great, honey.
Shall I help you with Bodil?

- I'll give you a hand.
- He's gone all helpful, eh?

- It must be the blood type.
- That's it.

- Thank you.
- Bye, bye.

There they are.

I don't want to do it either,
but we have to make an effort.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

- Hi. Thanks for last time.
- This is Casper.

Troels.

- Are you ready?
- You bet.

Cool. Go down there.

Ta-da!

Oh, there you are.

- Did you know we were coming?
- Well, Finn gave me the day off.

Then he told me to come anyway,
so I figured it out.

Great of you to come, Casper.

Right, gentlemen. Departure time.

- Hi.
- Hi, Jacob.

- Why did you give him the day off?
- Otherwise it would cost a fortune.

- It wasn't a surprise now.
- He was still surprised.

He wasn't at all surprised.

Come on. It's party time.
Moller's Fridges, no hitches.

- Yes.
- Let's get going.

This is grand, Frank.
Did you come up with this?

- We all did it together.
- It's grand.

- Grand?
- He likes saying that.

- What an amazing jerk.
- Kisses for sale. 20 kroner.

- Normal price is 50.
- Three for 60.

- I'm kissing as well, Casper.
- Jacob, Jacob...

- Casper, do you want one?
- No.

- Don't touch me.
- I know you can kiss, Casper.

Casper, come on.
I'll meet you halfway.

For the third time:
Don't touch my jacket.

- That's ping pong.
- Happy now?

He's a good kisser, Casper.
He's had lots of training.

We talked about not mentioning
Casper's kissing, remember?

- Nobody knows.
- Don't say anything about it.

We'll move on.

Next destination.

- Cheers.
- Time for paintball.

- What do you think Bodil is doing?
- Having her hen party, I suppose.

Don't you have anything else?

- We had one with sausage...
- Anything else than sandwich?

- No.
- I can't eat white bread.

- Don't you have any salad?
- There's salad inside it...

I'm on a blood type diet.
I can't eat this.

Then you should have
brought your own food.

I didn't do these crap sandwiches,
did I?

- You didn't do anything.
- No, but I'm here. 100 percent.

- We could go home to my place.
- No.

- I've got salad at home.
- We're going shooting.

We can drop that. I've got
some salad at home, so...

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.
I'm sorry.

- It's me. Fuck that. Cheers.
- That's the spirit.

I'm sorry for saying that before.

I'm really happy that
we're friends. Congratulations.

- I haven't got any coverage.
- I've got plenty.

- I'll forward my calls to yours.
- I don't want to answer your calls.

Just hand me the phone.
I have to be available.

Right, are we..?

Right, are we..?

I don't want to talk
to lots of people calling you.

- We might get separated.
- Keep an eye on me, then.

This is about
giving Jacob a great day.

- Or give me the phone.
- Anyone for a kiss? 10 kroner!

Welcome. Before we begin, I need
to explain some important rules.

Don't shoot if you're within
two metres. Just say "bang!"

Does it hurt? Is it dangerous?

No, but it can really bruise you.

Pull the trigger
every time you want to fire.

Put your masks on.
We'll do the first course.

We'll play "Capture the Flag".
One team has to defend the flag.

The other team has to try and
capture it. Blue Team, go in there.

Red Team,
you start behind the big tower.

We'll start straight away.
3, 2, 1, go!

They'll shoot our bottoms.

- What do we do?
- We have to stick together.

Jacob and I will go east,
and you'll cover us from the west.

Is that your mobile, Frank?
What the hell are you doing?

We can't have fun, if you're going
to be... No, switch it off.

Jacob and I are moving now.
Ready? Go!

I don't know anything
about domestic appliances.

I can't talk right now.
Goodbye.

It's off.
I'm back, guys! Casper?

I forgot to release the safety.

What the hell are you thinking?

What the hell are you doing,
you fucking idiot?

Casper! What's going on?

Don't shoot!

You're going to regret this.
I fucking hate you!

Casper, stop!
What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- He told Bodil! About the girl.

He shouldn't tell anybody.
Shut your mouth!

She's brain-dead, you idiot!
She's not going to tell.

- I don't want him talking about me.
- Stop that!

- Go away.
- Are you giving orders now?

You've lost all your stars this way.

Dance, Frank.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Stop this.

- Jacob, can you get up?
- No, I'll stay here for a bit.

- Help me get him up.
- You're so fucking easy, man.

We won, Frank.
Are you happy now?

Don't mind him.
He's a bastard.

I don't want to play anymore.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Your back looks like a plum tree.

It's like getting 20 small dead legs.

- I'm sleeping on my stomach tonight.
- Care to look, Casper?

Do you want to see?

Ouch!

You shot him 20 times in the back.

We go to a place where it's
impossible to keep a blood type diet.

- Your blood sugar levels fall...
- Why did you shoot your own team?

Because nobody made sure
that I had something to eat.

I'm glad we sorted out
who is friends with whom.

This is Finn. Is Pernille there?
She's what?

You're kidding.

Pernille has gone into labour.

Go to Hvidovre Hospital.
Frank, has anyone called?

Has... Frank!
Has anyone called?

- I just need to switch it on.
- Did you switch it off?

They kept calling
from Moller's Fridges.

Jesus, Frank!
Are there any text messages?

What does it say?

- There are quite a few messages.
- What does it say?

That she went into labour.

- Give me...
- This is the first one.

It came one and a half hour ago.
Don't you think I would like -

- to be present
when my wife is giving birth?

- to be present
when my wife is giving birth?

- Jesus, Frank.
- It's their first child.

What does the last text message say?

It'll give you an impression
of how it's going.

Pretty good of me to stop
the paintball then, wasn't it?

- They're playing music.
- Yeah, what a racket.

- Is it coming from here?
- Yes.

- Jesus, it's loud.
- It's Bodil's hen party.

- What are they doing?
- They can't hear us.

- What now?
- We'll take the back door.

I'm glad they're having a good time.

Come on, Bodil!

Excellent.
Come on, Bo!

- Is that someone you know?
- It's a male stripper.

That's so poor.
Isn't that vulgar, Frank?

- Go, go, Mia!
- Mia, we're home.

- Mia, open the door!
- Iben, I'm not having that!

Hi.

Hi, guys.
What are you doing here?

- What's up?
- The party's over!

- What's going on?
- Sorry, sorry.

We're celebrating Hodil's...
Bodil's hen night.

You can go now.

- Oh no, Casper.
- No, no.

- I think I cut myself.
- Call an ambulance, girls.

Do you want to lie down?
What should we do?

Get his arm up. We've got
a first aid kit in the bathroom.

Damn it, that's a bad cut.

I've cut myself.

It's a long wait.

- Hello.
- I've been treating Casper.

I managed to stop the bleeding.

But he's lost a lot of blood,
so he needs a blood transfusion.

The problem is that
his blood type is very rare.

It's AB Rhesus negative.
We have to find a donor.

- I'm the same.
- You're what?

- AB Rhesus negative.
- Are you AB Rhesus negative?

- It can't be right.
- My mum always told me I was.

We'll test you. If it's true, then
you can donate blood to Casper.

- That's lucky, eh?
- Great, Jacob. Man of the day.

Hi. You've had a litre
of Jacob's blood.

- Jacob gave you a litre of blood.
- I saved your life.

Isn't that grand?

It's really grand.