Klovn (2005–2021): Season 4, Episode 3 - Sankt Hans - full transcript
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---
MIDSUMMER
Is this 250 metres?
Isn't it more?
What does the map say?
- Isn't it 300?
- Just play.
I just want that chubby monkey
out of the way.
- Are you celebrating Midsummer?
- Yes, at my in-laws.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- We'll put Mia's mum on the fire.
- No, she's too nice.
- What about you?
- It's just going to be Iben and me.
Come on!
- He's having a stag night. Alone.
- Yes.
But he's not getting married.
He's just farting around.
- That's not on. Hey, fatso?
- Easy now.
- Let's play.
- He's just fat. He's not evil.
Get going, you fat bastard!
Get back on the treadmill,
you fat idiot!
I can't play with these bad vibes.
We'll skip this hole, Frank.
We'll do it later.
I can't...
I can't stand that fat idiot.
- Did he look angry?
- I can't read fat men's signals.
This is the last one.
- It's going to be a giant bonfire.
- Yes.
Let's see.
I'll put this on.
- That's it. Great height.
- Yes, it's excellent.
Good work.
Time for a bonfire beer.
- Hi, Ole.
- Hi, Troels.
- Cheers. And thanks.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Now we just need a witch.
- No, we don't put a witch on top.
We don't usually do that.
We need a witch, Ole.
- That's the fun part.
- Then you need children.
Small children, I mean.
Our children need to have children.
Not many of them have,
you know.
If we get some grandchildren
we'll put a witch on the fire.
On that day
we'll put a witch on.
I'll go in and have a look.
- Of course we need a witch.
- A little one could be fun.
He's not deciding that.
- It was me who made the fire.
- That's right.
Thanks for the beer.
- How's it going?
- Fine. I'm doing a salad.
Do you have any clothes
I could use for a witch?
I have some in the basement.
Go down and have a look.
Don't say anything.
Ole doesn't want a witch.
Doesn't he want a witch?
Why not?
- Because there are no grandchildren.
- Oh, never mind that.
Mads will take care of that.
He'll have children one day.
So will Mia and I.
I'm sure they'll come.
Yes, but...
What about the sperm?
- What sperm?
- If it's a bit cold?
- My sperm is fine.
- I only know what Mia told me.
It's not perfect, is it?
No, well, maybe you're right.
Mia, can we talk for a sec?
- Talk?
- Yes.
Is something wrong?
Why did you tell your mum
that I have bad sperm?
Well...
It's not a secret, you know.
It's not been proven. I don't want
your parents to know about it.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of men have that problem.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of men have that problem.
Yes, and I would acknowledge it
if I was sure about it.
I just think it's a bit...
glassy, you know?
I'll go down in the basement.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.
- What are you up to?
- Oh, nothing much.
- It's Mum and Dad's old clothes.
- Yes, I think it's Ole's stuff.
Are you fiddling with something
for their silver wedding?
Ole and Pygger's? No, this is
something entirely different.
- I'm not doing anything that day.
- Entertainment, you mean?
That's fine, but could you
help out with the practical stuff?
Not really. I'm busy.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Well, okay.
- Thanks, Frank.
- Yes.
They're a bit old as well.
It ought to be a golden wedding.
Or a diamond wedding.
There...
That's bloody good.
- Is it straight?
- Yes. Can you get it down?
There. That's it.
Bloody good.
Look at that smile.
She won't be smiling anymore
when we light it.
She's smiling at Ole,
the stubborn old git.
Sometimes he can be
so stupidly stubborn.
That's his trademark.
Look at the house numbers.
They're not very big, are they?
The old people would like bigger
ones, so the doctor can find them.
But try asking Ole about that.
He stops everything.
- He doesn't want big house numbers?
- No. It has to be the original ones.
Every time we put it to the vote...
Pygger, tell me,
what's this red stuff?
- Is it dumplings?
- It's a little beetroot.
- I've got great news.
- Did you brush your teeth?
Siesbye and I got the Arriva case.
It's just been decided.
Congratulations.
Siesbye is your boss, isn't he?
- I'm so happy for you.
- I'm close to tears.
- That's fantastic.
- What's it about?
It's the case between Arriva and DSB
about the outsourcing in Jutland.
Arriva thinks
DSB's tender was too low.
It sounds incredibly boring.
- I'm simplifying it now.
- It's not boring.
- It's a huge case, Frank.
- What do you mean, Frank?
I thought you might prefer
a murder case?
A murder case is scary.
- The circumstances could be fun.
- What's fun about that?
You don't get far with murder cases.
Not as a lawyer.
I just think it sounds a bit dull.
Not that I don't like trains.
It's one of the most complicated
cases we could take on.
We'll be drowning in work.
The next two weeks will be hectic.
We have to read all the material.
Make sure you get some sleep.
I don't think you should spend
a lot of time on the silver wedding.
Frank and I will take care of that.
We'll sort it out.
- Don't count on Frank.
- Why not?
Frank told me that he hasn't thought
about the silver wedding at all.
Yes.
He thought it was
your golden wedding.
Golden wedding?
Then we would have been married
for 50 years or something.
Ole and I would have to be
about 80 years old.
It was a joke.
Frank was just making a joke.
- It's not funny.
- He didn't mean it like that.
What's that?
- I put a witch on anyway.
- Yes, isn't it fun?
- Did you make it, Frank?
- Yes.
- Hi, Troels.
- Here's the song.
Could you pass it round?
- Are we ready?
- Mum, do you want one?
- Is this what you were up to?
- Yes.
- Is this what you were up to?
- Yes.
See, honey?
I made the witch.
You have to have a witch
for Midsummer's Night.
- It's nice with the scarf.
- It's a really nice scarf.
Wow, look at that.
Mum, it looks like
your wedding dress.
But it's not, is it?
Yes.
Did you take Mum's wedding dress?
- No! Ouch!
- Careful, Mads.
What happened?
It's burning now.
Nobody told me
about a wedding dress.
It was obvious.
- Yes, honey...
- You could have asked.
- It makes me sad.
- I didn't have a chance.
She's really upset now.
- I'm really sad.
- Yes.
- I thought it was an old rag.
- Yes.
It was just really stupid.
And Mads burned his hand.
- I'll help with the silver wedding.
- That would be good.
It sure is the longest day
of the year.
Mads, did you sort out
the brass band?
Yes, Siesbye?
He's a hobby musician.
- Oh, it was his brass band.
- I've got a meeting with him today.
But I can't make it.
- I've got to go to the doctor's.
- Can't we do it, then?
- That would be great.
- Are we meeting with musicians now?
We're getting busy, then. Sorry...
- Yes.
- I need...
We meet again.
Can the fat bastard
be of assistance?
We're looking for some boards
for a triumphal arch.
- Two metres tall.
- Two metres and ten.
Two metres and ten
and one metre wide.
The fat bastard had better find
some laths, then.
- What was that about?
- We met him at the golf course.
We had a bit of a fall out.
- And you yelled "fat bastard"?
- Casper did.
If you take care of the boards
Mads and I will find some nails.
The boards will be really crap.
You take care of the boards.
And they better be good.
- Let's go somewhere else.
- There's no time.
- Sort it out, Frank.
- They'll be crap. He hates me.
There you are.
What are these scrappy little boards?
Fat bastard.
- Do you handle murder cases?
- No, only company takeovers.
People committing fraud
or forming cartels.
Murder is not all that exciting,
you know.
To go back to the silver wedding,
Mads said -
- that you'd like some music
for your parents.
I promised Mads
that we would come and play.
I'd like to do it for Mads, because
he's so busy with the Arriva thing.
- What did you have in mind?
- What we talked about, Frank...
I don't know what people normally do.
Normally we play
"It is delightful to share a road".
- Then the couple come out.
- How does that go?
I'll play it for you.
Then I can get some practice as well.
- That one.
- Yes, I know that.
- Shall I find the text?
- Yes, that would be great.
They'll be really happy.
Imagine studying to be a lawyer
and then skipping the murder cases.
- That's the fun part.
- So you think. Oh, my throat.
Brass instruments look so good.
I'll just have a look.
I'll just have a look.
Whoops...
I'm not too happy with that,
Frank. That's not okay.
It's really disgusting.
Now it's got germs all over it.
I'm trying to do you a favour here.
- Frank was just looking.
- Well, he shouldn't touch it.
Take a look.
There are seven verses.
If you choose two of them
I'll have them printed out.
That was really mean.
If they didn't want to play
we'd be in a bit of a fix.
You tell your parents about my sperm,
and then you blame me for the horn.
Yes, but I promise
I won't do it again.
- It was a stupid situation.
- Alright.
I'll go over to my parents now
and stay there tonight.
- What about the triumphal arch?
- You said you were doing it.
I said I was in fifty-fifty.
I didn't say a hundred percent.
- You said you would, and you will.
- No, honey.
- I don't know how to do it.
- Figure it out, then.
You should have thought of that
before you burned Mads' hand.
You're doing it.
Right.
I'll just have a wee,
and then I'm off.
- Eh...
- What is it?
Can't you wait?
It's a bit gross
if you let out a fart.
Then I'll have fart germs
on the toothbrush.
Sorry. I'll wait, then.
I don't fart while you brush
your teeth, you know.
I'll go over to my parents
and wee, then.
I'm standing there
happily brushing my teeth, -
- and then I just hear this sound...
- It goes on the toothbrush.
- That's what I said.
Why does she have to fart
when she's peeing?
She doesn't do it on purpose.
- Is it from her vagina or from...
- No, from her anus.
It smells of anus. Not that
I'm sniffing it when she does it.
- It's not very sexy, is it?
- No. I lock the door.
I don't want Iben out there.
I think I'll start
doing that as well.
What the hell
kind of wood is this?
- I told you they were crooked.
- We can't use this.
The fat DIY guy gave it to me,
because you yelled at him.
Good morning.
Are the musicians perky?
- You bet.
- That's good.
- Is there going to be more people?
- No, it's just us.
- Have you been working all night?
- Yes.
- You've tried that before.
- No, I haven't actually.
- Good. Is it seven o'clock?
- Yes, I think so.
One, two, three, now!
It is delightful to share a road
when two have chosen...
H i, Frank.
- Why are you at Pygger and Ole's?
- Pygger and Ole?
Play over there.
Come on.
Good morning. Congratulations.
Thank you for coming.
Come in and have some coffee.
- You too, Troels.
- Thank you.
Good morning, Siesbye.
Thanks for the song.
What happened here?
I got the houses mixed up.
They all look alike.
You know...
The house numbers are too small, Ole.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Troels thinks so, too.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Frank is right.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Frank is right.
- Welcome, Troels.
- Now you can see for yourself.
- Should I move the arch over here?
- No. It's all ruined now.
Are you coming in?
No, I'm going home.
We'll see if I can get it right
for the golden wedding.
It must be here.
- So hole 12 is over there...
- You're playing the other way.
- We're going this way.
- Hey, Casper...
- I don't believe it.
- Is that his golf buggy?
- What's up, fat bastard?
- Come back, damn it!
- Come back!
- You'll burn some calories now.
We lost the Arriva case.
- No!
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Why?
Siesbye is down with the flu,
and my hand...
What a shame.
Why did you have to blow
Siesbye's trumpet, Frank?
You don't blow
another man's instrument.
No. That was unfortunate.
Right, Frank?
- Mads, would you like some coffee?
- Yes, please.
---
MIDSUMMER
Is this 250 metres?
Isn't it more?
What does the map say?
- Isn't it 300?
- Just play.
I just want that chubby monkey
out of the way.
- Are you celebrating Midsummer?
- Yes, at my in-laws.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- We'll put Mia's mum on the fire.
- No, she's too nice.
- What about you?
- It's just going to be Iben and me.
Come on!
- He's having a stag night. Alone.
- Yes.
But he's not getting married.
He's just farting around.
- That's not on. Hey, fatso?
- Easy now.
- Let's play.
- He's just fat. He's not evil.
Get going, you fat bastard!
Get back on the treadmill,
you fat idiot!
I can't play with these bad vibes.
We'll skip this hole, Frank.
We'll do it later.
I can't...
I can't stand that fat idiot.
- Did he look angry?
- I can't read fat men's signals.
This is the last one.
- It's going to be a giant bonfire.
- Yes.
Let's see.
I'll put this on.
- That's it. Great height.
- Yes, it's excellent.
Good work.
Time for a bonfire beer.
- Hi, Ole.
- Hi, Troels.
- Cheers. And thanks.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Now we just need a witch.
- No, we don't put a witch on top.
We don't usually do that.
We need a witch, Ole.
- That's the fun part.
- Then you need children.
Small children, I mean.
Our children need to have children.
Not many of them have,
you know.
If we get some grandchildren
we'll put a witch on the fire.
On that day
we'll put a witch on.
I'll go in and have a look.
- Of course we need a witch.
- A little one could be fun.
He's not deciding that.
- It was me who made the fire.
- That's right.
Thanks for the beer.
- How's it going?
- Fine. I'm doing a salad.
Do you have any clothes
I could use for a witch?
I have some in the basement.
Go down and have a look.
Don't say anything.
Ole doesn't want a witch.
Doesn't he want a witch?
Why not?
- Because there are no grandchildren.
- Oh, never mind that.
Mads will take care of that.
He'll have children one day.
So will Mia and I.
I'm sure they'll come.
Yes, but...
What about the sperm?
- What sperm?
- If it's a bit cold?
- My sperm is fine.
- I only know what Mia told me.
It's not perfect, is it?
No, well, maybe you're right.
Mia, can we talk for a sec?
- Talk?
- Yes.
Is something wrong?
Why did you tell your mum
that I have bad sperm?
Well...
It's not a secret, you know.
It's not been proven. I don't want
your parents to know about it.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of men have that problem.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of men have that problem.
Yes, and I would acknowledge it
if I was sure about it.
I just think it's a bit...
glassy, you know?
I'll go down in the basement.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.
- What are you up to?
- Oh, nothing much.
- It's Mum and Dad's old clothes.
- Yes, I think it's Ole's stuff.
Are you fiddling with something
for their silver wedding?
Ole and Pygger's? No, this is
something entirely different.
- I'm not doing anything that day.
- Entertainment, you mean?
That's fine, but could you
help out with the practical stuff?
Not really. I'm busy.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Well, okay.
- Thanks, Frank.
- Yes.
They're a bit old as well.
It ought to be a golden wedding.
Or a diamond wedding.
There...
That's bloody good.
- Is it straight?
- Yes. Can you get it down?
There. That's it.
Bloody good.
Look at that smile.
She won't be smiling anymore
when we light it.
She's smiling at Ole,
the stubborn old git.
Sometimes he can be
so stupidly stubborn.
That's his trademark.
Look at the house numbers.
They're not very big, are they?
The old people would like bigger
ones, so the doctor can find them.
But try asking Ole about that.
He stops everything.
- He doesn't want big house numbers?
- No. It has to be the original ones.
Every time we put it to the vote...
Pygger, tell me,
what's this red stuff?
- Is it dumplings?
- It's a little beetroot.
- I've got great news.
- Did you brush your teeth?
Siesbye and I got the Arriva case.
It's just been decided.
Congratulations.
Siesbye is your boss, isn't he?
- I'm so happy for you.
- I'm close to tears.
- That's fantastic.
- What's it about?
It's the case between Arriva and DSB
about the outsourcing in Jutland.
Arriva thinks
DSB's tender was too low.
It sounds incredibly boring.
- I'm simplifying it now.
- It's not boring.
- It's a huge case, Frank.
- What do you mean, Frank?
I thought you might prefer
a murder case?
A murder case is scary.
- The circumstances could be fun.
- What's fun about that?
You don't get far with murder cases.
Not as a lawyer.
I just think it sounds a bit dull.
Not that I don't like trains.
It's one of the most complicated
cases we could take on.
We'll be drowning in work.
The next two weeks will be hectic.
We have to read all the material.
Make sure you get some sleep.
I don't think you should spend
a lot of time on the silver wedding.
Frank and I will take care of that.
We'll sort it out.
- Don't count on Frank.
- Why not?
Frank told me that he hasn't thought
about the silver wedding at all.
Yes.
He thought it was
your golden wedding.
Golden wedding?
Then we would have been married
for 50 years or something.
Ole and I would have to be
about 80 years old.
It was a joke.
Frank was just making a joke.
- It's not funny.
- He didn't mean it like that.
What's that?
- I put a witch on anyway.
- Yes, isn't it fun?
- Did you make it, Frank?
- Yes.
- Hi, Troels.
- Here's the song.
Could you pass it round?
- Are we ready?
- Mum, do you want one?
- Is this what you were up to?
- Yes.
- Is this what you were up to?
- Yes.
See, honey?
I made the witch.
You have to have a witch
for Midsummer's Night.
- It's nice with the scarf.
- It's a really nice scarf.
Wow, look at that.
Mum, it looks like
your wedding dress.
But it's not, is it?
Yes.
Did you take Mum's wedding dress?
- No! Ouch!
- Careful, Mads.
What happened?
It's burning now.
Nobody told me
about a wedding dress.
It was obvious.
- Yes, honey...
- You could have asked.
- It makes me sad.
- I didn't have a chance.
She's really upset now.
- I'm really sad.
- Yes.
- I thought it was an old rag.
- Yes.
It was just really stupid.
And Mads burned his hand.
- I'll help with the silver wedding.
- That would be good.
It sure is the longest day
of the year.
Mads, did you sort out
the brass band?
Yes, Siesbye?
He's a hobby musician.
- Oh, it was his brass band.
- I've got a meeting with him today.
But I can't make it.
- I've got to go to the doctor's.
- Can't we do it, then?
- That would be great.
- Are we meeting with musicians now?
We're getting busy, then. Sorry...
- Yes.
- I need...
We meet again.
Can the fat bastard
be of assistance?
We're looking for some boards
for a triumphal arch.
- Two metres tall.
- Two metres and ten.
Two metres and ten
and one metre wide.
The fat bastard had better find
some laths, then.
- What was that about?
- We met him at the golf course.
We had a bit of a fall out.
- And you yelled "fat bastard"?
- Casper did.
If you take care of the boards
Mads and I will find some nails.
The boards will be really crap.
You take care of the boards.
And they better be good.
- Let's go somewhere else.
- There's no time.
- Sort it out, Frank.
- They'll be crap. He hates me.
There you are.
What are these scrappy little boards?
Fat bastard.
- Do you handle murder cases?
- No, only company takeovers.
People committing fraud
or forming cartels.
Murder is not all that exciting,
you know.
To go back to the silver wedding,
Mads said -
- that you'd like some music
for your parents.
I promised Mads
that we would come and play.
I'd like to do it for Mads, because
he's so busy with the Arriva thing.
- What did you have in mind?
- What we talked about, Frank...
I don't know what people normally do.
Normally we play
"It is delightful to share a road".
- Then the couple come out.
- How does that go?
I'll play it for you.
Then I can get some practice as well.
- That one.
- Yes, I know that.
- Shall I find the text?
- Yes, that would be great.
They'll be really happy.
Imagine studying to be a lawyer
and then skipping the murder cases.
- That's the fun part.
- So you think. Oh, my throat.
Brass instruments look so good.
I'll just have a look.
I'll just have a look.
Whoops...
I'm not too happy with that,
Frank. That's not okay.
It's really disgusting.
Now it's got germs all over it.
I'm trying to do you a favour here.
- Frank was just looking.
- Well, he shouldn't touch it.
Take a look.
There are seven verses.
If you choose two of them
I'll have them printed out.
That was really mean.
If they didn't want to play
we'd be in a bit of a fix.
You tell your parents about my sperm,
and then you blame me for the horn.
Yes, but I promise
I won't do it again.
- It was a stupid situation.
- Alright.
I'll go over to my parents now
and stay there tonight.
- What about the triumphal arch?
- You said you were doing it.
I said I was in fifty-fifty.
I didn't say a hundred percent.
- You said you would, and you will.
- No, honey.
- I don't know how to do it.
- Figure it out, then.
You should have thought of that
before you burned Mads' hand.
You're doing it.
Right.
I'll just have a wee,
and then I'm off.
- Eh...
- What is it?
Can't you wait?
It's a bit gross
if you let out a fart.
Then I'll have fart germs
on the toothbrush.
Sorry. I'll wait, then.
I don't fart while you brush
your teeth, you know.
I'll go over to my parents
and wee, then.
I'm standing there
happily brushing my teeth, -
- and then I just hear this sound...
- It goes on the toothbrush.
- That's what I said.
Why does she have to fart
when she's peeing?
She doesn't do it on purpose.
- Is it from her vagina or from...
- No, from her anus.
It smells of anus. Not that
I'm sniffing it when she does it.
- It's not very sexy, is it?
- No. I lock the door.
I don't want Iben out there.
I think I'll start
doing that as well.
What the hell
kind of wood is this?
- I told you they were crooked.
- We can't use this.
The fat DIY guy gave it to me,
because you yelled at him.
Good morning.
Are the musicians perky?
- You bet.
- That's good.
- Is there going to be more people?
- No, it's just us.
- Have you been working all night?
- Yes.
- You've tried that before.
- No, I haven't actually.
- Good. Is it seven o'clock?
- Yes, I think so.
One, two, three, now!
It is delightful to share a road
when two have chosen...
H i, Frank.
- Why are you at Pygger and Ole's?
- Pygger and Ole?
Play over there.
Come on.
Good morning. Congratulations.
Thank you for coming.
Come in and have some coffee.
- You too, Troels.
- Thank you.
Good morning, Siesbye.
Thanks for the song.
What happened here?
I got the houses mixed up.
They all look alike.
You know...
The house numbers are too small, Ole.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Troels thinks so, too.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Frank is right.
- The house numbers are fine.
- Frank is right.
- Welcome, Troels.
- Now you can see for yourself.
- Should I move the arch over here?
- No. It's all ruined now.
Are you coming in?
No, I'm going home.
We'll see if I can get it right
for the golden wedding.
It must be here.
- So hole 12 is over there...
- You're playing the other way.
- We're going this way.
- Hey, Casper...
- I don't believe it.
- Is that his golf buggy?
- What's up, fat bastard?
- Come back, damn it!
- Come back!
- You'll burn some calories now.
We lost the Arriva case.
- No!
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Why?
Siesbye is down with the flu,
and my hand...
What a shame.
Why did you have to blow
Siesbye's trumpet, Frank?
You don't blow
another man's instrument.
No. That was unfortunate.
Right, Frank?
- Mads, would you like some coffee?
- Yes, please.