Klovn (2005–2021): Season 3, Episode 6 - Biggie Blackie - full transcript
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---
- You mean we bought a racehorse?
- Yes.
Listen. We've bought a horse
through the company.
- We now own a racehorse.
- When did this happen?
I've been looking into it
for the last two weeks.
I had a great offer in the weekend,
so I went for it.
- How much did it cost?
- 700,000 kroner.
It's a living creature!
They're not free, you know.
Relax. We'll earn money with it.
It's a super horse.
We'll race it and win money
and then sell it again one day.
It just came as a surprise to me.
It's more fun than shipping stocks
or some Internet-Skype shit.
Look at the surroundings here.
Look around you! Hi.
Could you take him out, Helena?
Come and have a look.
- That's our horse?
- Yes.
- Isn't he great? How is he today?
- He's fine.
- What's his name?
- Biggie Blackie.
- Are you a derby winner?
- Of course.
I went to vet school,
so I know a thing or two.
- Nice, new shoes as well.
- Isn't it great?
What are you doing over there?
Are you scared of him?
You're scared of him!
- He's scared of our horse.
- No, I'm not. I've got asthma.
We paid 700,000
for a thing you can't touch?
We pay our secretary 700,000.
We can't touch her either.
That didn't stop you, though.
- Congratulations.
- Don't. I'm allergic to the horse.
- I just wanted to congratulate you.
- You're putting horse on it.
- Now we need to find a jockey.
- Shouldn't we have done that first?
No. You need a horse to lure them.
Biggie Blackie is a great horse.
With him we can get the good
jockeys. They want to win races.
But they're hard to get.
They're bloody disloyal.
Isn't asthma a psychological thing?
Hey!
That's my car. Wait!
- God, that was last minute.
- You'll get the fine anyway.
- You can't be serious.
- A rule is a rule.
Can't we work something out?
Take a deep breath.
- You've been here too long.
- There's plenty of spaces.
Parking is about making sure
that everyone can get a space.
Stop. And don't touch my car.
I don't like it.
I told you I'm not going to pay.
I'm leaving now. Listen to me!
- You're getting it anyway.
- No, damn it. I don't want it!
- You got it now.
- No. Here, take it!
Hey! Wait a minute.
Stay here and take your damn fine!
No. I gave it to you.
It's yours.
I know who you are. If I see
you again, I'll blow your brains out!
- Annoying bitch.
- Yeah. Hideous little hobbit.
- Aren't you taking the fine?
- I'm not paying that!
- It's not going to disappear.
- Why take it when I'm not paying?
Be a bit more charming about it.
Speak nicely to people.
I was speaking nicely!
I said, "Let's work something out."
"I'll put it here..." No, you won't!
She can't touch my property.
- She can't touch my stuff!
- No, but you're a bit highly strung.
Whose side are you on? I was
attacked by a parking attendant.
If you'd been nice to her
you wouldn't have had the fine.
- She shouldn't have given it to me!
- Well, it's her job...
That doesn't mean she can't
be friendly, for Christ's sake!
Incredible how much money
they spend on these bank buildings.
- Hi. I'm Thomas. Welcome.
- I'm Mia.
- Hi. Are you Thomas?
- Yes. Have a seat, please.
- Hi. Are you Thomas?
- Yes. Have a seat, please.
- It's cold outside, eh?
- Yes, it is.
It's nothing you can't get used to.
As we talked about on the phone,
flex loans are too risky.
I've considered
all the pros and cons, -
- and I've decided that
we'd like to go for a fixed loan.
We'd like to know our expenses,
so we don't have that uncertainty.
We can offer you 4.5%.
I've prepared a 4.5% loan,
which is ready for you to sig n.
A fixed loan would be sensible,
and the interest rate is good.
We'd like to go for that.
I think we should
give it a bit more thought.
We've already talked about it, Frank.
I've been through all the papers.
- Why not sign it now?
- It's a lot of money.
The longer you wait, the bigger the
risk of the interest rate going up.
- I think we need a second opinion.
- A what?
- A second opinion. Right, honey?
- Why?
- An extra look at the papers.
- You haven't even read the papers.
- Well, now I'm interested.
- Thomas, we better...
I can't guarantee the same
cheap rate next time, of course.
Super. Thanks anyway.
Bye, Frank. See you.
- I thought it was strange...
- Weird behaviour.
- Yes. Maybe it was.
- Poor guy.
It's not normal to have
a black bank adviser.
- Oh, so that's why.
- Of course it is.
Blacks aren't normally interested
in financial matters.
They're interested in sport, music,
dance and that sort of thing.
It was weird.
And then he had that stupid plant.
That's no reason
for not signing the papers.
Refinancing is a matter of trust.
If you're the least bit unsure -
- whether you can trust someone,
you ask for a second opinion.
I thought it was difficult
to read his facial expressions.
I couldn't tell whether he was happy
or angry. It all looked the same.
All whites are wary of afro-Danes.
I don't know about that.
I had a black boyfriend once.
You what?
Christ, Frank! What a shocker.
When did you find out?
- Today.
- Jesus Christ..!
- It was a real blow.
- It doesn't get worse than that.
Do you know how the girls react
when they've been with a Negro?
Well, they have huge willies.
You know that, yeah?
They have the biggest willies of all.
No less than 10 inches.
We're talking this big.
It's a fucking baton, a pipe...
- Stop, stop.
- And Mia, that little person...
Take it easy, Frank.
Take a deep breath.
I would give everything I own
for another inch.
The car, the house...
I could earn the money again.
If only I could have
another inch.
And they're fast, the blacks.
They shag on the first date.
As if they were threatened by
a white guy with an elephant gun...
- Well, forget it, Frank...
- I don't think mine is even 8 inches.
I found a jockey, by the way.
Really good guy. Desmond. He's white.
So now the whole
horse thing is rolling.
It's time to ride.
On the horse, you know...
Four of us were fighting for him.
But you know me. I laid it on.
And he could see from the pedigree
that it's a fantastic horse.
You're not listening, Frank.
Can't you be a bit happy?
- Frank...
- 10 inches!
- He's taking the bend nicely.
- Yeah, it's looking good.
- He's taking the bend nicely.
- Yeah, it's looking good.
He's 10 seconds faster than
that other horse I was looking at.
Look at Biggie Blackie.
That's our horse!
God, he's fast! I think we're
five seconds from the track record.
We've got a derby winner!
- What are you talking about?
- It's cool, love conquering height.
- Size doesn't matter.
- That's what my girlfriend says!
What's happening?
I was just complimenting them.
Because she's taller than him.
- What the hell did you say?
- I just said he was a bit small.
Do you realise
how much money is at stake here?
- I was just complimenting them.
- Not about height!
I had no idea he was so sensitive.
I'm really sorry.
We talked it over with him and
his girlfriend, who is very sweet...
- Yeah, she was quite...
- I'm not going to hit on her yet.
- No, that wouldn't be very clever.
- That would be insane.
No way..!
But we're allowed to park here.
- There's the bastard.
- Casper, don't! I'll handle it.
Excuse me?
Can I just comment on this fine?
- Hey, come back!
- Great, Frank.
I just want to talk to you!
Come here.
- What happened?
- Casper!
My eyes!
I can't see anything!
She sprayed my eyes with something.
They're burning!
- It hurts like hell!
- I can't hear anything.
- Was it pepper spray?
- It sounds like it.
- Is he going to be blind?
- No, but we'll check him anyway.
- Will I need eye surgery?
- Take care, Frank.
- Are you coming with me?
- It's not necessary, is it?
See you, Frank.
Frank! I need your car keys!
The car keys, Frank!
I feel like the Czar's courier, when
his eyes miraculously recover.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Kenneth.
- I'm Frank.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
You've had an offer
for refinancing your loan?
We'd like a second opinion
on the refinancing.
There's just one little thing
compared to the earlier offer.
There's just one little thing
compared to the earlier offer.
Thomas,
could you come over for a sec?
Any problems?
The effective interest rate
was 4.5%, right?
What are you talking about? Thomas
isn't looking at it again, is he?
Well, he was the one
who prepared the offer...
But we asked for another person's
opinion, a second opinion.
- That's what we're getting.
- No. Now Thomas is here.
- Then it's not a second opinion.
- We just need to sort out...
- Of course.
- I don't think it will be the same.
Don't look at the papers!
Kenneth is looking at it now.
You gave us a super offer, but we
don't want the two offers mixed up.
- They won't be.
- We need a second opinion.
- That's what we're getting.
- I don't think so.
We're all trained, so there
shouldn't be any problems.
I would never ask the same contractor
to give me a second offer.
We're getting an offer
from Kenneth.
- The products are the same...
- Please go.
- Is it because I'm black?
- No...
We're trying to help you, you know.
Well, it is strange for a black guy
to have a veritable jungle -
- on your desk, if you don't want
people noticing you're black.
- We're all colleagues...
- Sorry, Kenneth.
Why shouldn't people notice that I'm
black? What's it got to do with this?
- We apologise, Thomas.
- It doesn't affect your refinancing.
Frank got some spray in his eyes.
That's why he's acting like that.
I'm sorry it had to affect you.
It's hurting again now.
Since you had the last offer,
the interest rate has gone up.
We can't offer you
quite the same conditions.
- It's not 4.5% anymore?
- No, it's 4.7 now.
That's a crap offer.
It'll be about 2400 a year, -
- so over 30 years it's 60.000.
- I didn't get a second opinion.
- You made me look bad as well.
I guess it still affects me that
you've been with a guy like that.
- Frank, honestly...
- Just answer me one thing.
- We'll never talk about it again.
- What?
How long was it?
- More or less than 10 inches?
- It's the inside that counts.
- Fine, so answer the question.
- Stop it. Good night.
Was it longer than 10 inches?
- Why do you want me to answer?
- I just need to know.
- You don't need to feel inferior.
- I'm not feeling inferior!
Coming.
- H i. A Man They Called Horse.
- Thanks a lot.
- Ready?
- You bet.
- Hi, Mia. Are you nervous?
- A bit. It's exciting.
- I'm dead excited.
- Are you, Casper?
- We can win 100,000, right?
- Yes, but it's not just the money.
This is something we've been
dreaming about. It's our thing.
Look what I bought.
A Tag Heuer. Really cool watch.
It's for Desmond.
The jockey.
Could you give it to him
before the race?
I want to make sure
there are no hard feelings, -
- and that Desmond is going
to give it 100 percent.
- Why don't you do it yourself?
- I'm not going down there.
Imagine us winning the race,
and then I get asthma.
- I don't even know about laurels.
- Have you been up to something?
Frank made a comment about
Desmond's height. He's this tall.
He's a tiny guy
with huge size issues.
I've got a little thing for Frank
as well. To celebrate the race.
A pepper spray...
I would have preferred a watch.
- Casper!
- Number 3, Biggie Blackie, is out.
Biggie Blackie will not be running
in the third race.
God, that was crap.
Should we look for a new jockey?
- Don't you think jockeys talk?
- You think they have a network?
Of course they have a network!
Hi there.
How did it go?
Well...
Not so good?
Oh. You lost, or..?
It's hard to say, seeing as
the horse didn't even race.
- Was the race cancelled?
- No. Our horse didn't run.
- What happened?
- Mr. Genius here...
- Just ruin my door, will you?
- Easy now.
He sprayed the jockey with
pepper spray. Right before the race!
- You did what, Frank?
- He freaked out at me.
Why?
Because I accidentally lifted him.
He couldn't see Casper...
Don't go around lifting people.
By the way, Mia...
Could you do me a favour?
Next time you shag a Negro,
please don't tell Frank.
- He freaks out, you know...
- I'm not even going to answer that.
It would make my life a whole lot
easier, if you stayed off Uncle Tom.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, that must be the reason.
- Why did you tell Casper that?
- I didn't.
- How did he know, then?
- He must have guessed.
Honestly!
You tell that guy everything.
I just want to know
what I'm up against.
You're not starting that again.
Do you hear?
- It's so childish.
- Yes.
Well, how long was that willie?
12? inches...
- It's sheer madness, Frank.
- Absolutely insane.
- Why don't we sell Biggie Blackie?
- Why?
I don't want a horse
with that name.
---
- You mean we bought a racehorse?
- Yes.
Listen. We've bought a horse
through the company.
- We now own a racehorse.
- When did this happen?
I've been looking into it
for the last two weeks.
I had a great offer in the weekend,
so I went for it.
- How much did it cost?
- 700,000 kroner.
It's a living creature!
They're not free, you know.
Relax. We'll earn money with it.
It's a super horse.
We'll race it and win money
and then sell it again one day.
It just came as a surprise to me.
It's more fun than shipping stocks
or some Internet-Skype shit.
Look at the surroundings here.
Look around you! Hi.
Could you take him out, Helena?
Come and have a look.
- That's our horse?
- Yes.
- Isn't he great? How is he today?
- He's fine.
- What's his name?
- Biggie Blackie.
- Are you a derby winner?
- Of course.
I went to vet school,
so I know a thing or two.
- Nice, new shoes as well.
- Isn't it great?
What are you doing over there?
Are you scared of him?
You're scared of him!
- He's scared of our horse.
- No, I'm not. I've got asthma.
We paid 700,000
for a thing you can't touch?
We pay our secretary 700,000.
We can't touch her either.
That didn't stop you, though.
- Congratulations.
- Don't. I'm allergic to the horse.
- I just wanted to congratulate you.
- You're putting horse on it.
- Now we need to find a jockey.
- Shouldn't we have done that first?
No. You need a horse to lure them.
Biggie Blackie is a great horse.
With him we can get the good
jockeys. They want to win races.
But they're hard to get.
They're bloody disloyal.
Isn't asthma a psychological thing?
Hey!
That's my car. Wait!
- God, that was last minute.
- You'll get the fine anyway.
- You can't be serious.
- A rule is a rule.
Can't we work something out?
Take a deep breath.
- You've been here too long.
- There's plenty of spaces.
Parking is about making sure
that everyone can get a space.
Stop. And don't touch my car.
I don't like it.
I told you I'm not going to pay.
I'm leaving now. Listen to me!
- You're getting it anyway.
- No, damn it. I don't want it!
- You got it now.
- No. Here, take it!
Hey! Wait a minute.
Stay here and take your damn fine!
No. I gave it to you.
It's yours.
I know who you are. If I see
you again, I'll blow your brains out!
- Annoying bitch.
- Yeah. Hideous little hobbit.
- Aren't you taking the fine?
- I'm not paying that!
- It's not going to disappear.
- Why take it when I'm not paying?
Be a bit more charming about it.
Speak nicely to people.
I was speaking nicely!
I said, "Let's work something out."
"I'll put it here..." No, you won't!
She can't touch my property.
- She can't touch my stuff!
- No, but you're a bit highly strung.
Whose side are you on? I was
attacked by a parking attendant.
If you'd been nice to her
you wouldn't have had the fine.
- She shouldn't have given it to me!
- Well, it's her job...
That doesn't mean she can't
be friendly, for Christ's sake!
Incredible how much money
they spend on these bank buildings.
- Hi. I'm Thomas. Welcome.
- I'm Mia.
- Hi. Are you Thomas?
- Yes. Have a seat, please.
- Hi. Are you Thomas?
- Yes. Have a seat, please.
- It's cold outside, eh?
- Yes, it is.
It's nothing you can't get used to.
As we talked about on the phone,
flex loans are too risky.
I've considered
all the pros and cons, -
- and I've decided that
we'd like to go for a fixed loan.
We'd like to know our expenses,
so we don't have that uncertainty.
We can offer you 4.5%.
I've prepared a 4.5% loan,
which is ready for you to sig n.
A fixed loan would be sensible,
and the interest rate is good.
We'd like to go for that.
I think we should
give it a bit more thought.
We've already talked about it, Frank.
I've been through all the papers.
- Why not sign it now?
- It's a lot of money.
The longer you wait, the bigger the
risk of the interest rate going up.
- I think we need a second opinion.
- A what?
- A second opinion. Right, honey?
- Why?
- An extra look at the papers.
- You haven't even read the papers.
- Well, now I'm interested.
- Thomas, we better...
I can't guarantee the same
cheap rate next time, of course.
Super. Thanks anyway.
Bye, Frank. See you.
- I thought it was strange...
- Weird behaviour.
- Yes. Maybe it was.
- Poor guy.
It's not normal to have
a black bank adviser.
- Oh, so that's why.
- Of course it is.
Blacks aren't normally interested
in financial matters.
They're interested in sport, music,
dance and that sort of thing.
It was weird.
And then he had that stupid plant.
That's no reason
for not signing the papers.
Refinancing is a matter of trust.
If you're the least bit unsure -
- whether you can trust someone,
you ask for a second opinion.
I thought it was difficult
to read his facial expressions.
I couldn't tell whether he was happy
or angry. It all looked the same.
All whites are wary of afro-Danes.
I don't know about that.
I had a black boyfriend once.
You what?
Christ, Frank! What a shocker.
When did you find out?
- Today.
- Jesus Christ..!
- It was a real blow.
- It doesn't get worse than that.
Do you know how the girls react
when they've been with a Negro?
Well, they have huge willies.
You know that, yeah?
They have the biggest willies of all.
No less than 10 inches.
We're talking this big.
It's a fucking baton, a pipe...
- Stop, stop.
- And Mia, that little person...
Take it easy, Frank.
Take a deep breath.
I would give everything I own
for another inch.
The car, the house...
I could earn the money again.
If only I could have
another inch.
And they're fast, the blacks.
They shag on the first date.
As if they were threatened by
a white guy with an elephant gun...
- Well, forget it, Frank...
- I don't think mine is even 8 inches.
I found a jockey, by the way.
Really good guy. Desmond. He's white.
So now the whole
horse thing is rolling.
It's time to ride.
On the horse, you know...
Four of us were fighting for him.
But you know me. I laid it on.
And he could see from the pedigree
that it's a fantastic horse.
You're not listening, Frank.
Can't you be a bit happy?
- Frank...
- 10 inches!
- He's taking the bend nicely.
- Yeah, it's looking good.
- He's taking the bend nicely.
- Yeah, it's looking good.
He's 10 seconds faster than
that other horse I was looking at.
Look at Biggie Blackie.
That's our horse!
God, he's fast! I think we're
five seconds from the track record.
We've got a derby winner!
- What are you talking about?
- It's cool, love conquering height.
- Size doesn't matter.
- That's what my girlfriend says!
What's happening?
I was just complimenting them.
Because she's taller than him.
- What the hell did you say?
- I just said he was a bit small.
Do you realise
how much money is at stake here?
- I was just complimenting them.
- Not about height!
I had no idea he was so sensitive.
I'm really sorry.
We talked it over with him and
his girlfriend, who is very sweet...
- Yeah, she was quite...
- I'm not going to hit on her yet.
- No, that wouldn't be very clever.
- That would be insane.
No way..!
But we're allowed to park here.
- There's the bastard.
- Casper, don't! I'll handle it.
Excuse me?
Can I just comment on this fine?
- Hey, come back!
- Great, Frank.
I just want to talk to you!
Come here.
- What happened?
- Casper!
My eyes!
I can't see anything!
She sprayed my eyes with something.
They're burning!
- It hurts like hell!
- I can't hear anything.
- Was it pepper spray?
- It sounds like it.
- Is he going to be blind?
- No, but we'll check him anyway.
- Will I need eye surgery?
- Take care, Frank.
- Are you coming with me?
- It's not necessary, is it?
See you, Frank.
Frank! I need your car keys!
The car keys, Frank!
I feel like the Czar's courier, when
his eyes miraculously recover.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Kenneth.
- I'm Frank.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
You've had an offer
for refinancing your loan?
We'd like a second opinion
on the refinancing.
There's just one little thing
compared to the earlier offer.
There's just one little thing
compared to the earlier offer.
Thomas,
could you come over for a sec?
Any problems?
The effective interest rate
was 4.5%, right?
What are you talking about? Thomas
isn't looking at it again, is he?
Well, he was the one
who prepared the offer...
But we asked for another person's
opinion, a second opinion.
- That's what we're getting.
- No. Now Thomas is here.
- Then it's not a second opinion.
- We just need to sort out...
- Of course.
- I don't think it will be the same.
Don't look at the papers!
Kenneth is looking at it now.
You gave us a super offer, but we
don't want the two offers mixed up.
- They won't be.
- We need a second opinion.
- That's what we're getting.
- I don't think so.
We're all trained, so there
shouldn't be any problems.
I would never ask the same contractor
to give me a second offer.
We're getting an offer
from Kenneth.
- The products are the same...
- Please go.
- Is it because I'm black?
- No...
We're trying to help you, you know.
Well, it is strange for a black guy
to have a veritable jungle -
- on your desk, if you don't want
people noticing you're black.
- We're all colleagues...
- Sorry, Kenneth.
Why shouldn't people notice that I'm
black? What's it got to do with this?
- We apologise, Thomas.
- It doesn't affect your refinancing.
Frank got some spray in his eyes.
That's why he's acting like that.
I'm sorry it had to affect you.
It's hurting again now.
Since you had the last offer,
the interest rate has gone up.
We can't offer you
quite the same conditions.
- It's not 4.5% anymore?
- No, it's 4.7 now.
That's a crap offer.
It'll be about 2400 a year, -
- so over 30 years it's 60.000.
- I didn't get a second opinion.
- You made me look bad as well.
I guess it still affects me that
you've been with a guy like that.
- Frank, honestly...
- Just answer me one thing.
- We'll never talk about it again.
- What?
How long was it?
- More or less than 10 inches?
- It's the inside that counts.
- Fine, so answer the question.
- Stop it. Good night.
Was it longer than 10 inches?
- Why do you want me to answer?
- I just need to know.
- You don't need to feel inferior.
- I'm not feeling inferior!
Coming.
- H i. A Man They Called Horse.
- Thanks a lot.
- Ready?
- You bet.
- Hi, Mia. Are you nervous?
- A bit. It's exciting.
- I'm dead excited.
- Are you, Casper?
- We can win 100,000, right?
- Yes, but it's not just the money.
This is something we've been
dreaming about. It's our thing.
Look what I bought.
A Tag Heuer. Really cool watch.
It's for Desmond.
The jockey.
Could you give it to him
before the race?
I want to make sure
there are no hard feelings, -
- and that Desmond is going
to give it 100 percent.
- Why don't you do it yourself?
- I'm not going down there.
Imagine us winning the race,
and then I get asthma.
- I don't even know about laurels.
- Have you been up to something?
Frank made a comment about
Desmond's height. He's this tall.
He's a tiny guy
with huge size issues.
I've got a little thing for Frank
as well. To celebrate the race.
A pepper spray...
I would have preferred a watch.
- Casper!
- Number 3, Biggie Blackie, is out.
Biggie Blackie will not be running
in the third race.
God, that was crap.
Should we look for a new jockey?
- Don't you think jockeys talk?
- You think they have a network?
Of course they have a network!
Hi there.
How did it go?
Well...
Not so good?
Oh. You lost, or..?
It's hard to say, seeing as
the horse didn't even race.
- Was the race cancelled?
- No. Our horse didn't run.
- What happened?
- Mr. Genius here...
- Just ruin my door, will you?
- Easy now.
He sprayed the jockey with
pepper spray. Right before the race!
- You did what, Frank?
- He freaked out at me.
Why?
Because I accidentally lifted him.
He couldn't see Casper...
Don't go around lifting people.
By the way, Mia...
Could you do me a favour?
Next time you shag a Negro,
please don't tell Frank.
- He freaks out, you know...
- I'm not even going to answer that.
It would make my life a whole lot
easier, if you stayed off Uncle Tom.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, that must be the reason.
- Why did you tell Casper that?
- I didn't.
- How did he know, then?
- He must have guessed.
Honestly!
You tell that guy everything.
I just want to know
what I'm up against.
You're not starting that again.
Do you hear?
- It's so childish.
- Yes.
Well, how long was that willie?
12? inches...
- It's sheer madness, Frank.
- Absolutely insane.
- Why don't we sell Biggie Blackie?
- Why?
I don't want a horse
with that name.