Klovn (2005–2021): Season 3, Episode 4 - Nina kære Nina - full transcript
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---
NINA DEAR NINA
Now!
- What is it?
- It's the safety.
- Try again.
- Now!
That's it.
Nice... Now!
- Shoot!
- It's the safety. I need a new gun.
- Do you want to go home?
- Yeah.
I'd like to shoot another round,
but I don't mind taking you home.
Never mind.
I think the "Far Away From
Las Vegas" project sounds great.
- Are you up for it?
- Yeah. In the theatre.
We'll perform it 50-60 times, earn
good money and have lots of fun.
- Who is going to play Iben's part?
- Iben, of course.
- I thought you hated each other?
- No, on the contrary.
We've started talking again.
I think we'll get back together.
Hi, Casper.
No way... Hi!
God, you look good!
What are you doing here?
- I've had a meeting with Regner.
- Do you need a lift?
- I'm waiting for a cab.
- Can't you get that, Frank?
- Can't we fit three in?
- No, no. Only two.
It's a business car.
You can't have three people in there.
Please... That's the least
we can do for Sofie.
- Super.
- That's sweet of you. Thanks.
My holster! Casper!
Hi. You've come
for Sofie Lassen-Kahlke, right?
- No. I don't want that in the car.
- This one?
But it's wrapped. Come on!
Hey, Frank!
Come over here.
Are you insane? Walking around
with a gun in a residential area!
- I've lost my holster.
- You'll give someone a heart attack.
Sweep up your leaves instead.
I've asked you plenty of times.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look, Frank.
You've dragged in all that mud.
Was that me?
Sorry about that.
- Please wipe it up.
- I have to have a bath.
- No. Please clean that first.
- Just wipe it over with a cloth.
I'm not doing it. It's much easier
if you do it straight away.
The easiest thing is to have
a bath and a nap and then do it.
I'm looking forward to this.
This whole theatre thing is
something you know only from films.
But you get this whiff of art
and creativity and nerves...
- You've got my holster, by the way.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- It's about time.
- Sorry, sorry.
"Far Away From Las Vegas"
as a musical... It's got everything.
Musicals are very much
the thing these days.
A song can really
lift the whole thing.
I can't wait to do this. I'm so tired
of this other thing I'm in.
- What are you playing there?
- A pirate.
- We'll have to get you out of that.
- That'd be fantastic.
- What's the deal with Iben?
- Well, I have to be honest with you.
I don't think Iben quite has
the popular appeal anymore.
- She's good in dramatic roles.
- She's too much of an actress.
- Isn't Iben going to play Liva?
- We're thinking of taking her out.
- I think that's a good idea.
- But Liva is her character.
We're doing comedy,
not a big dramatic production.
- So the Liva character is out?
- No. We'll get a new actress.
- Sofie Lassen-Kahlke.
- What?
Cool idea.
She really appeals
to the young audience.
She draws a crowd.
Is there anything going on between
you and Sofie Lassen-Kahlke?
Well... yes.
- You really want her to play Liva?
- I'm not sure.
- I think it's a lousy idea.
- Give me a chance to shag Sofie!
- Aren't you seeing Iben again?
- We'll get back together eventually.
We're Denmark's celebrity couple
no. 2. I'm not losing that brand.
- Who's no. 1?
- The royals. Mary and Frederik.
Sofie doesn't have enough clout
with the older generation.
I just don't get it.
As soon as Iben finds out about
the Liva thing, there'll be trouble.
- Did you clean the kitchen floor?
- I completely forgot, honey.
I'm sorry. I just tugged myself in.
I can't be bothered now.
- What's that you're reading?
- "Mein Kampf".
Weird choice of book.
You have to study the guy's ideas
before you can call him an idiot.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
This would go with venison.
If you hit a fox, for example.
You could drive around in the African
savannah, trying to hit buffalos.
Like bumper cars...
"Hit four animals for a fiver!"
By the way, does any of you
know a good cleaning lady?
I know that you have one, Lars.
She does a great job.
Eddie gave me her number.
I've got the best cleaning lady
in the world. Nina.
You'd be surprised
how many people here use Nina.
- Do you all use her?
- Yes, and Suzanne Br?gger.
And Tommy Kenter...
She's incredibly sweet and helpful.
John Mogensen used her as well.
He wrote a song for her.
But I'm being neglected now,
because so many people use her.
- I'd like to get her as well.
- That won't help matters.
- I don't think it's a good idea.
- Why not, Lars?
- Because the rest of us will suffer.
- I have her one day a week.
Me too. But I could use her for the
summerhouse and the car as well.
I'm not using her very much
at the moment, -
- because I'm staying at the hotel.
Maybe that's an opening for Frank.
And Lars can still
have his car cleaned.
What if I promise that if I get Nina
I won't tell anyone else about her?
- It's our secret.
- Just for a trial period, then.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
Here's to Nina.
Hello there, miss.
I've got us a cleaning lady.
Isn't that just super?
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Iben.
- Long time, no see.
- Nice to see you.
- How are you?
- Fine, thanks.
I've started getting text messages
in the evening -
- from my old pal,
Casper Christensen.
Yes, Casper told me
that you were talking again.
- How is he?
- He's doing alright.
Not particularly good or bad.
Just sort of in between.
- But he's been upset.
- Yeah, he seemed quite miserable.
We've missed you as well.
This is weird for us, you know.
- I have to go to the toilet.
- Careful, Iben.
I thought we'd chosen sides.
I thought we'd agreed
only to see Casper.
Well, she turned up.
I think it's nice to see her.
Yes, it is.
But it's extremely dangerous.
Who's that?
If it's that stamp seller again,
slam the door right in his face!
I'm sick and tired
of his stupid animal stamps.
Hi, Mia.
I need to give this to Frank.
This is Sofie Lassen-Kahlke.
Frank's girlfriend, Mia.
I think I've seen her before.
Hi, Frank.
Here's your gun holster.
Sofie and I are going out
for dinner at Hurtigkarl's.
- I'm busy.
- Okay, we're off again.
- Hi...
- Hi, Iben.
- Hi, Sofie.
- Hi, Iben.
- I just came to give you that.
- What are you doing?
We've been discussing
"Far Away From Las Vegas".
Are you going to be in it?
Which part are you playing?
- Sofie Stougaard's part.
- Liva, right?
- No, Sofie Stougaard's part.
- Oh. Okay.
- You must have misunderstood.
- It's probably my fault.
What do you take me for?
What the hell are you playing at?
What are you playing at?
We're on a break, -
- and then you're banging
little miss Sunshine here?
You've got your head
up your arse!
Are they shagging?
- No.
- I'll repeat the question.
Are they shagging?
Tell me the truth.
I don't know what they're doing.
- Let's only see Casper from now on.
- I feel sorry for Iben.
I think you should stop
seeing Casper instead.
No. Casper is our oldest friend.
That's the rule.
You stick with the person you knew
first, if the relationship breaks up.
We got to know Iben
through Casper.
That's the rule.
Otherwise it's all a big mess.
- Hi there. Welcome, Nina.
- Thank you.
We said ten o'clock, right?
- Good cleaners are hard to find.
- I guess you've heard about me.
You're a legend, Nina.
Quite simply.
Do you mind if I sit down?
I'm a bit tired.
- Well, I'm off.
- Did we talk about an advance?
- How much?
- I could use 1000 kroner.
- Did the others pay that as well?
- No, I know them.
So they pay me
at the end of the month.
- Thank you.
- I can't wait to see the result.
Don't forget to wipe
all the surfaces. Bye, bye.
That's what happens when you
break your promise not to see Iben.
- You should have called first.
- You should warn me if she's there.
- You should have called first.
- You should warn me if she's there.
Call me, so that I'm prepared.
- So Sofie Lassen-Kahlke is on now?
- Yeah. That's it.
- Stougaard will have to go.
- Well, she's got her pirate show.
- Hi, J?rgen.
- Hi, Frank.
My gun broke,
so I need a new one.
- Can you recommend anything?
- Let's have a look.
- How many guns have you got now?
- 2-3000, I think.
There's this one.
A Beretta Silver Pigeon.
I've been talking about a Beretta.
It feels really good.
It's got a good balance.
You can shoot in all positions.
I like this one.
- Great. Shall we go out later today?
- Yeah, you're on.
Nina?
Oh no...
- Emergency services.
- Hello, this is Frank Hvam.
I'm calling from Oraniavej.
We've got a dead body here.
- A dead body?
- Yeah. My cleaning lady is dead.
I came home and
found her dead in a chair.
- I'll send a police car over.
- Great. Bye.
- We have to take him in.
- You're taking me in?
There's a fired gun up there,
and your story doesn't quite hold...
- Yes, it does. I shot a dead person.
- It's 1.30 pm. You're under arrest.
We're taking you in to the station
for questioning.
Please turn around and
put your arms behind your back.
- Is this going to take long?
- A few hours, at least.
He's running around with a gun.
I heard gunshots!
Just a moment. We'll be back.
- Get in the backseat.
- Watch your head.
- Hello. Excuse me...
- Step back, please.
- Please tell me what happened.
- It was an accident.
- Frank, what did you do?
- I accidentally shot Nina.
- You shot her?
- She was already dead.
Step away, please.
In the kingdom of death
we're all equal.
- Here's to Nina.
- Hear, hear.
- We have to find a new cleaner.
- Frank, stop it now!
- You killed Nina.
- No, no... She just died.
- She died at your place!
- We're all upset about Nina's death.
But it wasn't Frank's fault.
She passed away peacefully.
- Frank must have done something.
- No, no...
- I've often seen her tired.
- But you never held a shotgun.
- No. That came later.
- It was force majeure.
- What was the fine for, then?
- Abuse of a corpse. Old law.
And Eddie...
How good was Nina in actual fact?
She died sitting in a chair
reading a book.
- That's okay. What was she reading?
- Hitler's "Mein Kampf".
- Frank, what..?
- For Christ's sake!
Don't you know how traumatised
she was by the war?
Haven't you been listening at all?
Her parents had to flee to Sweden.
You're a cruel, heartless person.
You've really screwed us all.
You certainly finished
what the Germans couldn't.
Has it been cancelled?
What is it..?
You're being very quiet.
- You wanted to say something?
- Let's say it together.
We've got some bad news.
Frank, go ahead.
---
NINA DEAR NINA
Now!
- What is it?
- It's the safety.
- Try again.
- Now!
That's it.
Nice... Now!
- Shoot!
- It's the safety. I need a new gun.
- Do you want to go home?
- Yeah.
I'd like to shoot another round,
but I don't mind taking you home.
Never mind.
I think the "Far Away From
Las Vegas" project sounds great.
- Are you up for it?
- Yeah. In the theatre.
We'll perform it 50-60 times, earn
good money and have lots of fun.
- Who is going to play Iben's part?
- Iben, of course.
- I thought you hated each other?
- No, on the contrary.
We've started talking again.
I think we'll get back together.
Hi, Casper.
No way... Hi!
God, you look good!
What are you doing here?
- I've had a meeting with Regner.
- Do you need a lift?
- I'm waiting for a cab.
- Can't you get that, Frank?
- Can't we fit three in?
- No, no. Only two.
It's a business car.
You can't have three people in there.
Please... That's the least
we can do for Sofie.
- Super.
- That's sweet of you. Thanks.
My holster! Casper!
Hi. You've come
for Sofie Lassen-Kahlke, right?
- No. I don't want that in the car.
- This one?
But it's wrapped. Come on!
Hey, Frank!
Come over here.
Are you insane? Walking around
with a gun in a residential area!
- I've lost my holster.
- You'll give someone a heart attack.
Sweep up your leaves instead.
I've asked you plenty of times.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look, Frank.
You've dragged in all that mud.
Was that me?
Sorry about that.
- Please wipe it up.
- I have to have a bath.
- No. Please clean that first.
- Just wipe it over with a cloth.
I'm not doing it. It's much easier
if you do it straight away.
The easiest thing is to have
a bath and a nap and then do it.
I'm looking forward to this.
This whole theatre thing is
something you know only from films.
But you get this whiff of art
and creativity and nerves...
- You've got my holster, by the way.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- It's about time.
- Sorry, sorry.
"Far Away From Las Vegas"
as a musical... It's got everything.
Musicals are very much
the thing these days.
A song can really
lift the whole thing.
I can't wait to do this. I'm so tired
of this other thing I'm in.
- What are you playing there?
- A pirate.
- We'll have to get you out of that.
- That'd be fantastic.
- What's the deal with Iben?
- Well, I have to be honest with you.
I don't think Iben quite has
the popular appeal anymore.
- She's good in dramatic roles.
- She's too much of an actress.
- Isn't Iben going to play Liva?
- We're thinking of taking her out.
- I think that's a good idea.
- But Liva is her character.
We're doing comedy,
not a big dramatic production.
- So the Liva character is out?
- No. We'll get a new actress.
- Sofie Lassen-Kahlke.
- What?
Cool idea.
She really appeals
to the young audience.
She draws a crowd.
Is there anything going on between
you and Sofie Lassen-Kahlke?
Well... yes.
- You really want her to play Liva?
- I'm not sure.
- I think it's a lousy idea.
- Give me a chance to shag Sofie!
- Aren't you seeing Iben again?
- We'll get back together eventually.
We're Denmark's celebrity couple
no. 2. I'm not losing that brand.
- Who's no. 1?
- The royals. Mary and Frederik.
Sofie doesn't have enough clout
with the older generation.
I just don't get it.
As soon as Iben finds out about
the Liva thing, there'll be trouble.
- Did you clean the kitchen floor?
- I completely forgot, honey.
I'm sorry. I just tugged myself in.
I can't be bothered now.
- What's that you're reading?
- "Mein Kampf".
Weird choice of book.
You have to study the guy's ideas
before you can call him an idiot.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
This would go with venison.
If you hit a fox, for example.
You could drive around in the African
savannah, trying to hit buffalos.
Like bumper cars...
"Hit four animals for a fiver!"
By the way, does any of you
know a good cleaning lady?
I know that you have one, Lars.
She does a great job.
Eddie gave me her number.
I've got the best cleaning lady
in the world. Nina.
You'd be surprised
how many people here use Nina.
- Do you all use her?
- Yes, and Suzanne Br?gger.
And Tommy Kenter...
She's incredibly sweet and helpful.
John Mogensen used her as well.
He wrote a song for her.
But I'm being neglected now,
because so many people use her.
- I'd like to get her as well.
- That won't help matters.
- I don't think it's a good idea.
- Why not, Lars?
- Because the rest of us will suffer.
- I have her one day a week.
Me too. But I could use her for the
summerhouse and the car as well.
I'm not using her very much
at the moment, -
- because I'm staying at the hotel.
Maybe that's an opening for Frank.
And Lars can still
have his car cleaned.
What if I promise that if I get Nina
I won't tell anyone else about her?
- It's our secret.
- Just for a trial period, then.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
Here's to Nina.
Hello there, miss.
I've got us a cleaning lady.
Isn't that just super?
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Iben.
- Long time, no see.
- Nice to see you.
- How are you?
- Fine, thanks.
I've started getting text messages
in the evening -
- from my old pal,
Casper Christensen.
Yes, Casper told me
that you were talking again.
- How is he?
- He's doing alright.
Not particularly good or bad.
Just sort of in between.
- But he's been upset.
- Yeah, he seemed quite miserable.
We've missed you as well.
This is weird for us, you know.
- I have to go to the toilet.
- Careful, Iben.
I thought we'd chosen sides.
I thought we'd agreed
only to see Casper.
Well, she turned up.
I think it's nice to see her.
Yes, it is.
But it's extremely dangerous.
Who's that?
If it's that stamp seller again,
slam the door right in his face!
I'm sick and tired
of his stupid animal stamps.
Hi, Mia.
I need to give this to Frank.
This is Sofie Lassen-Kahlke.
Frank's girlfriend, Mia.
I think I've seen her before.
Hi, Frank.
Here's your gun holster.
Sofie and I are going out
for dinner at Hurtigkarl's.
- I'm busy.
- Okay, we're off again.
- Hi...
- Hi, Iben.
- Hi, Sofie.
- Hi, Iben.
- I just came to give you that.
- What are you doing?
We've been discussing
"Far Away From Las Vegas".
Are you going to be in it?
Which part are you playing?
- Sofie Stougaard's part.
- Liva, right?
- No, Sofie Stougaard's part.
- Oh. Okay.
- You must have misunderstood.
- It's probably my fault.
What do you take me for?
What the hell are you playing at?
What are you playing at?
We're on a break, -
- and then you're banging
little miss Sunshine here?
You've got your head
up your arse!
Are they shagging?
- No.
- I'll repeat the question.
Are they shagging?
Tell me the truth.
I don't know what they're doing.
- Let's only see Casper from now on.
- I feel sorry for Iben.
I think you should stop
seeing Casper instead.
No. Casper is our oldest friend.
That's the rule.
You stick with the person you knew
first, if the relationship breaks up.
We got to know Iben
through Casper.
That's the rule.
Otherwise it's all a big mess.
- Hi there. Welcome, Nina.
- Thank you.
We said ten o'clock, right?
- Good cleaners are hard to find.
- I guess you've heard about me.
You're a legend, Nina.
Quite simply.
Do you mind if I sit down?
I'm a bit tired.
- Well, I'm off.
- Did we talk about an advance?
- How much?
- I could use 1000 kroner.
- Did the others pay that as well?
- No, I know them.
So they pay me
at the end of the month.
- Thank you.
- I can't wait to see the result.
Don't forget to wipe
all the surfaces. Bye, bye.
That's what happens when you
break your promise not to see Iben.
- You should have called first.
- You should warn me if she's there.
- You should have called first.
- You should warn me if she's there.
Call me, so that I'm prepared.
- So Sofie Lassen-Kahlke is on now?
- Yeah. That's it.
- Stougaard will have to go.
- Well, she's got her pirate show.
- Hi, J?rgen.
- Hi, Frank.
My gun broke,
so I need a new one.
- Can you recommend anything?
- Let's have a look.
- How many guns have you got now?
- 2-3000, I think.
There's this one.
A Beretta Silver Pigeon.
I've been talking about a Beretta.
It feels really good.
It's got a good balance.
You can shoot in all positions.
I like this one.
- Great. Shall we go out later today?
- Yeah, you're on.
Nina?
Oh no...
- Emergency services.
- Hello, this is Frank Hvam.
I'm calling from Oraniavej.
We've got a dead body here.
- A dead body?
- Yeah. My cleaning lady is dead.
I came home and
found her dead in a chair.
- I'll send a police car over.
- Great. Bye.
- We have to take him in.
- You're taking me in?
There's a fired gun up there,
and your story doesn't quite hold...
- Yes, it does. I shot a dead person.
- It's 1.30 pm. You're under arrest.
We're taking you in to the station
for questioning.
Please turn around and
put your arms behind your back.
- Is this going to take long?
- A few hours, at least.
He's running around with a gun.
I heard gunshots!
Just a moment. We'll be back.
- Get in the backseat.
- Watch your head.
- Hello. Excuse me...
- Step back, please.
- Please tell me what happened.
- It was an accident.
- Frank, what did you do?
- I accidentally shot Nina.
- You shot her?
- She was already dead.
Step away, please.
In the kingdom of death
we're all equal.
- Here's to Nina.
- Hear, hear.
- We have to find a new cleaner.
- Frank, stop it now!
- You killed Nina.
- No, no... She just died.
- She died at your place!
- We're all upset about Nina's death.
But it wasn't Frank's fault.
She passed away peacefully.
- Frank must have done something.
- No, no...
- I've often seen her tired.
- But you never held a shotgun.
- No. That came later.
- It was force majeure.
- What was the fine for, then?
- Abuse of a corpse. Old law.
And Eddie...
How good was Nina in actual fact?
She died sitting in a chair
reading a book.
- That's okay. What was she reading?
- Hitler's "Mein Kampf".
- Frank, what..?
- For Christ's sake!
Don't you know how traumatised
she was by the war?
Haven't you been listening at all?
Her parents had to flee to Sweden.
You're a cruel, heartless person.
You've really screwed us all.
You certainly finished
what the Germans couldn't.
Has it been cancelled?
What is it..?
You're being very quiet.
- You wanted to say something?
- Let's say it together.
We've got some bad news.
Frank, go ahead.