Klovn (2005–2021): Season 3, Episode 2 - London Kashmir - full transcript
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---
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Frank.
- Hi, Torben.
- Hi, Frank.
- You're here as well!
Frank would like
to join our club one day.
- Are you a real beer man?
- Oh yes. I'm glad to be here.
There's a new beer in.
Let's go and have a taste.
Today we're tasting a Danish beer,
a new one from North Zealand.
Pour it gently.
- Careful how you pour it.
- Hold in at a 47-11 angle.
- 1 cm of foam, Frank.
- No, no, no...
That's 1 cm.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal.
- It's good.
- Not bad.
- The colour is a bit dull.
- And the taste is a bit sharp.
It's concentrated
at the back of the tongue.
It says, "Serve at 8-10 degrees."
Perhaps it's a bit too cold.
Why don't we have another taste?
- What the hell are you doing?
- My glasses were greasy.
Why are you wiping your glasses
on my sweater?
You're really greasy, Frank.
Your eyes are really greasy.
- I can't see any grease.
- Cashmere wool absorbs everything.
- It's London cashmere, right?
- Yes, I got it in London.
Let's focus on enjoying the beer.
Ready? In the kingdom of men
we're all equal.
Frank and Mia, your turn.
- Hi, Mia. Good to see you.
- You too.
You look great.
Hi, Frank.
I had to let the water run
in order to pee.
- When did your last period start?
- September the 28th.
- It'll be around the 8th of July.
- Aren't first-timers often late?
- Yes, by up to three weeks.
- But it won't be in the autumn.
I'll have to time it, so it doesn't
happen on my own birthday.
- That would be nice and easy.
- For you, perhaps.
Let's see...
Have a look, both of you.
The way this test works...
See this little window?
Two lines means you're pregnant.
One line means you're not.
Why is there only one line?
I'm afraid I have to tell you
that you're not pregnant.
- But...
- Definitely not.
- But we've taken all these tests.
- I think I know what the problem is.
What was the name of the
pregnancy test? Was it Pregpoint?
- Yes.
- That's why, then.
I'm sorry, but Pregpoint
have had a batch of faulty tests.
The media wrote about it,
but you probably didn't see it...
It hasn't been on text TV.
Then I would have known.
- I've already told them at work.
- Yes. Mia..?
- Are you alright, honey?
- I was really excited about it.
Yes, but it was never there.
I would suggest
that you enter a therapy group.
I'll put the pressure on Pregpoint
and make them pay for it.
A therapy program
won't get us pregnant.
No, but you need to talk this
through. It's like mental fitness.
No, but you need to talk this
through. It's like mental fitness.
- I'd rather have the money.
- I can't get you a compensation.
It's not cash we're after.
More like an apology or a hamper...
A luxury hamper, for example.
- You'd gain more from therapy.
- We'd like to do that, then.
- That's a good decision.
- We'll do that.
Oh? Yes, we will.
It'll be fine. Take care, Mia.
Take care.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank.
- Mia isn't pregnant after all.
- Oh. Okay.
- The test we used was unreliable.
- What a bummer.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. It's just annoying.
Well, now you can be
a bit more... like me, you know.
- A bit more quick and out there...
- And we can go out together.
Well, it turns out
we're getting a compensation.
- How much?
- It's a therapy program.
The baby was never there, Frank.
I don't mind comforting you, but
there's no need to get hysterical.
It was Mia's idea.
By the way, I promised Jarl that
you would buy him a new sweater.
- He doesn't want me to pay for it?
- Well, yes...
- I'll help you find a cool one.
- But it was just a bit of grease.
You know Jarl.
He's got his on and off days.
If you want to join the beer club
you have to buy that sweater.
I might as well be honest.
That's what friends are for.
Right. Let's get started.
My name is Nina.
I'm going to be your therapist.
You're all here because
you've experienced loss.
I'd like you all to start by telling
us your name and your story.
- Would you like to be first?
- Yes.
My name is Louise.
We lost Leon,
when I was eight months pregnant.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Well done.
My name is Morten,
and this is Katja.
We lost a little girl
in the sixth month.
- Anyone else?
- I'm Philip. This is Karina.
We lost a little girl
in the seventh month.
We'd really been looking forward
to becoming parents.
There's just you left, then.
Yes...
This is my girlfriend Mia.
I'm Frank.
We lost a child
in the ninth month.
Mia tripped and fell down
the backstairs.
Frank, can you tell us about
how you felt when it happened?
- It's alright if you cry.
- You want me to cry now?
It's important to get in touch with
your feelings in order to move on.
That's good, Frank.
Really good.
That helped.
That's great.
I think we should all stand up
and hold each other.
That's it. Don't worry
if you start crying. That's allowed.
I could murder for a cup of coffee.
Do you want me to open?
What were you thinking?
But honey...
- I had to say something.
- I've never been more embarrassed.
Not saying anything would have been
even more embarrassing.
- We had to listen to them first.
- And then we could have told them.
- We had to listen to them first.
- And then we could have told them.
No, honey. Then we would have
been sponging off their misery.
You've told them one lie
after the other.
Well, they went for it.
- I hope we'll never meet them again.
- Me too.
- I'm going to go and lie down.
- Now? What about dinner?
They've got some great stuff.
- Here they are.
- Yes. What do you think?
- What about the red one?
- Yeah, that's nice.
I can picture Jarl in that, with
a pair of tight jeans and a belt.
Super. How much is it?
1100 kroner. That's fine.
- It's good quality, you know.
- And you're sure about the red?
- You found something?
- Yes. This one, please.
- Is it for Jarl Friis-Mikkelsen?
- Yes.
He called and asked for a
cashmere sweater. Shall I get it?
- He called here?
- Yes. One moment, please.
It was Jarl who recommended
the place, you know.
- Strange of him to call here.
- It's cool that's he's picked one.
It's this one.
Genuine London cashmere.
- That's cool. Great colour.
- I'll have that.
That'll be 3499, please.
- Excuse me... how much?
- 3499 kroner.
He's called and asked
for a sweater which costs 3500?
Yes. 3499.
- He's abusing the situation.
- It's an entirely different quality.
Sorry. I'm not going
to pay 3500 for a cloth.
- I'll have the red one.
- Sure?
- Yes.
- 1099, please.
- Hi, girls. How's it going?
- Fine.
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Actually... We can do it now.
Could you look after the shop for a
bit? We need to buy some handles.
- Now that you're here...
- Okay. Yes, I can do that.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
I've got my cat here,
so be careful he doesn't get out.
- Vinterberg? Okay.
- Don't let him out. Bye!
No way...
Frank?
Frank?
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Why did you lock the door?
- I went out to the backyard.
- The customers can't get in, then.
- It was only for two minutes.
- The customers can't get in, then.
- It was only for two minutes.
- Has there been any customers?
- No.
- Was everything alright?
- Yes. No problem.
- I think I'll get going.
- Have you seen Vinterberg?
- Where's the cat?
- I know he hasn't run away.
He's definitely been here. There's
a huge turd in the litter box.
- Oh?
- He's been a bit poorly.
- I need to know what's going on.
- Let's take a look, then.
Okay. That's a turd alright.
And it's one of the bigger ones.
- It smells gross.
- Maybe it's several days' worth?
- What are you doing?
- I want the vet to look at it.
- Susan, it's... Susan...
- I just want to have it checked.
Those faces look pretty normal
to me. He's just having an off day.
This isn't just an off day!
Hi, Marianne. It's Susan Car?e.
My cat is sick.
Yes, he's really poorly.
- Hi, Marianne.
- Hi, Susan.
- What's the problem?
- I found this in the cat tray.
Did he do that?
That doesn't look too good.
- Maybe it's several days' worth?
- When did you change it?
This morning.
I need to run a check on him
and the faces, -
- so I'll have to keep him here
until we know.
Before you take a sample...
I've been to vet school myself.
I've seen cats defecate that much
on several occasions.
I find that hard to believe. This
looks like something from a big dog.
It's just not possible.
I'll take him with me.
You're welcome to call tomorrow.
I'll get in touch
as soon as I know anything.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hello.
Thanks for the other day.
That was impressive. Truly.
- Oh yes, the therapy group.
- How are you doing?
- As well as can be expected...
- Yes. You have ups and downs.
I thought we had a good session.
It's good to have several meetings.
It's really helped me open up.
- There's Jarl.
- Hi. Sorry... I had a bad night.
- Hi, I'm Jarl.
- Morten.
- Is everything OK?
- Yes. I've been to Garodkin.
- Thanks. Can I have a look?
- Yes, by all means.
- It's red, Frank.
- That was the one they had.
- This isn't cashmere. It's wool.
- Cashmere is wool.
It's different goats. The cashmere
goat has the finest wool of all.
That's why it feels so good.
Maybe you need some better clothes.
You can keep this crap.
And forget about the beer club.
- We'll never get along this way.
- Sorry... can I explain?
Frank is going through a rough time.
They lost a child in the ninth month.
What's that he's saying, Frank?
What's he saying?
Is it true what he's saying?
Why haven't you told me?
Here we are, fighting
over a sweater, while you...
Have you been dealing with that
on your own?
Christ, Frank!
Honestly...
You should have told me,
so we could talk about it.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I really am.
Do you know what would be good?
It's a small thing...
I think the beer club would be good
for you. You can have my chair.
- What do you think of that?
- I'd love to, Jarl.
Keep the sweater, Frank. Bye.
Keep the sweater, Frank. Bye.
- What a great friend.
- Yes, he's got his moments.
- Take care.
- You too.
- Dinner is served.
- Wow. I'm looking forward to this.
Yeah, it looks delicious.
- Oh no.
- I'll dish up, then.
Just a small portion for me, please.
It's Mia.
Just a moment...
It's Morten from the therapy group.
It's Morten from therapy.
He says you're meeting up.
No... no!
Tell him I'm not here.
Well done.
Sit down again.
It's time to finish. It was good to
work with your experiences, Frank.
It's a shame Mia is sick today.
I hope she can join us next time.
And now to the more
boring stuff... the payment.
It's 5240 kroner
for these eight sessions.
Frank, I need to ask you something.
It says here that your sessions
are being paid for by Pregpoint.
- Do you know anything about that?
- It's because...
Mia and I won a competition,
and the prize was a therapy program.
Which then coincided
with Mia losing the child.
Pregpoint, isn't that the company
with the pregnancy tests...
... that turned out to be faulty?
We've had other couples
who've had it paid for by Pregpoint.
- Does that ring a bell?
- No, not at all.
And just to make it
absolutely clear, I'd like to say -
- that I know nothing about
Pregpoint. I'll pay for this myself.
- If Pregpoint has paid anything...
- They've paid for you.
- That's rather strange.
- I think it's really cheeky of them.
- How much was it?
- 5240 kroner.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
- Strong beer.
- It's time to vote about Frank.
I say yea for Frank.
- Double yea from me.
- I say yea as well. Frank is in.
- Welcome, Frank.
- Thank you.
That decision makes me
very happy indeed.
It's great to be able to welcome
Frank as a member today.
Frank is a cheerful person,
but as it turns out -
- the reason why he's been
a bit unbalanced -
- is that he's lost a child
in the ninth month.
No. Not in the ninth month.
- I did lose...
- She wasn't even pregnant!
- You told me she was pregnant.
- You told me the test was faulty.
That's right.
She wasn't pregnant.
- Why did you say that, then?
- What did he say?
He said he'd lost a child.
I offered to help. You're a liar.
Look at me!
Isn't that what you are? A liar?
Yeah, that was a bit of a slip-up.
- We can't have that in our club.
- I'm a member now, Jarl.
I'm leaving the club, then.
Sit there as long as you want.
Wait, Jarl. Damn it..!
This is stupid.
- What was your name again?
- It's still Christian.
I don't want you shitting
in my cat tray.
We went to the vet. Vinterberg
was in quarantine for three days.
I bought that cat tray
for my cat, damn it!
- What do you say, Mia?
- I'm not saying anything!
Sorry, but...
---
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Frank.
- Hi, Torben.
- Hi, Frank.
- You're here as well!
Frank would like
to join our club one day.
- Are you a real beer man?
- Oh yes. I'm glad to be here.
There's a new beer in.
Let's go and have a taste.
Today we're tasting a Danish beer,
a new one from North Zealand.
Pour it gently.
- Careful how you pour it.
- Hold in at a 47-11 angle.
- 1 cm of foam, Frank.
- No, no, no...
That's 1 cm.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal.
- It's good.
- Not bad.
- The colour is a bit dull.
- And the taste is a bit sharp.
It's concentrated
at the back of the tongue.
It says, "Serve at 8-10 degrees."
Perhaps it's a bit too cold.
Why don't we have another taste?
- What the hell are you doing?
- My glasses were greasy.
Why are you wiping your glasses
on my sweater?
You're really greasy, Frank.
Your eyes are really greasy.
- I can't see any grease.
- Cashmere wool absorbs everything.
- It's London cashmere, right?
- Yes, I got it in London.
Let's focus on enjoying the beer.
Ready? In the kingdom of men
we're all equal.
Frank and Mia, your turn.
- Hi, Mia. Good to see you.
- You too.
You look great.
Hi, Frank.
I had to let the water run
in order to pee.
- When did your last period start?
- September the 28th.
- It'll be around the 8th of July.
- Aren't first-timers often late?
- Yes, by up to three weeks.
- But it won't be in the autumn.
I'll have to time it, so it doesn't
happen on my own birthday.
- That would be nice and easy.
- For you, perhaps.
Let's see...
Have a look, both of you.
The way this test works...
See this little window?
Two lines means you're pregnant.
One line means you're not.
Why is there only one line?
I'm afraid I have to tell you
that you're not pregnant.
- But...
- Definitely not.
- But we've taken all these tests.
- I think I know what the problem is.
What was the name of the
pregnancy test? Was it Pregpoint?
- Yes.
- That's why, then.
I'm sorry, but Pregpoint
have had a batch of faulty tests.
The media wrote about it,
but you probably didn't see it...
It hasn't been on text TV.
Then I would have known.
- I've already told them at work.
- Yes. Mia..?
- Are you alright, honey?
- I was really excited about it.
Yes, but it was never there.
I would suggest
that you enter a therapy group.
I'll put the pressure on Pregpoint
and make them pay for it.
A therapy program
won't get us pregnant.
No, but you need to talk this
through. It's like mental fitness.
No, but you need to talk this
through. It's like mental fitness.
- I'd rather have the money.
- I can't get you a compensation.
It's not cash we're after.
More like an apology or a hamper...
A luxury hamper, for example.
- You'd gain more from therapy.
- We'd like to do that, then.
- That's a good decision.
- We'll do that.
Oh? Yes, we will.
It'll be fine. Take care, Mia.
Take care.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank.
- Mia isn't pregnant after all.
- Oh. Okay.
- The test we used was unreliable.
- What a bummer.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. It's just annoying.
Well, now you can be
a bit more... like me, you know.
- A bit more quick and out there...
- And we can go out together.
Well, it turns out
we're getting a compensation.
- How much?
- It's a therapy program.
The baby was never there, Frank.
I don't mind comforting you, but
there's no need to get hysterical.
It was Mia's idea.
By the way, I promised Jarl that
you would buy him a new sweater.
- He doesn't want me to pay for it?
- Well, yes...
- I'll help you find a cool one.
- But it was just a bit of grease.
You know Jarl.
He's got his on and off days.
If you want to join the beer club
you have to buy that sweater.
I might as well be honest.
That's what friends are for.
Right. Let's get started.
My name is Nina.
I'm going to be your therapist.
You're all here because
you've experienced loss.
I'd like you all to start by telling
us your name and your story.
- Would you like to be first?
- Yes.
My name is Louise.
We lost Leon,
when I was eight months pregnant.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Well done.
My name is Morten,
and this is Katja.
We lost a little girl
in the sixth month.
- Anyone else?
- I'm Philip. This is Karina.
We lost a little girl
in the seventh month.
We'd really been looking forward
to becoming parents.
There's just you left, then.
Yes...
This is my girlfriend Mia.
I'm Frank.
We lost a child
in the ninth month.
Mia tripped and fell down
the backstairs.
Frank, can you tell us about
how you felt when it happened?
- It's alright if you cry.
- You want me to cry now?
It's important to get in touch with
your feelings in order to move on.
That's good, Frank.
Really good.
That helped.
That's great.
I think we should all stand up
and hold each other.
That's it. Don't worry
if you start crying. That's allowed.
I could murder for a cup of coffee.
Do you want me to open?
What were you thinking?
But honey...
- I had to say something.
- I've never been more embarrassed.
Not saying anything would have been
even more embarrassing.
- We had to listen to them first.
- And then we could have told them.
- We had to listen to them first.
- And then we could have told them.
No, honey. Then we would have
been sponging off their misery.
You've told them one lie
after the other.
Well, they went for it.
- I hope we'll never meet them again.
- Me too.
- I'm going to go and lie down.
- Now? What about dinner?
They've got some great stuff.
- Here they are.
- Yes. What do you think?
- What about the red one?
- Yeah, that's nice.
I can picture Jarl in that, with
a pair of tight jeans and a belt.
Super. How much is it?
1100 kroner. That's fine.
- It's good quality, you know.
- And you're sure about the red?
- You found something?
- Yes. This one, please.
- Is it for Jarl Friis-Mikkelsen?
- Yes.
He called and asked for a
cashmere sweater. Shall I get it?
- He called here?
- Yes. One moment, please.
It was Jarl who recommended
the place, you know.
- Strange of him to call here.
- It's cool that's he's picked one.
It's this one.
Genuine London cashmere.
- That's cool. Great colour.
- I'll have that.
That'll be 3499, please.
- Excuse me... how much?
- 3499 kroner.
He's called and asked
for a sweater which costs 3500?
Yes. 3499.
- He's abusing the situation.
- It's an entirely different quality.
Sorry. I'm not going
to pay 3500 for a cloth.
- I'll have the red one.
- Sure?
- Yes.
- 1099, please.
- Hi, girls. How's it going?
- Fine.
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Actually... We can do it now.
Could you look after the shop for a
bit? We need to buy some handles.
- Now that you're here...
- Okay. Yes, I can do that.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
I've got my cat here,
so be careful he doesn't get out.
- Vinterberg? Okay.
- Don't let him out. Bye!
No way...
Frank?
Frank?
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Why did you lock the door?
- I went out to the backyard.
- The customers can't get in, then.
- It was only for two minutes.
- The customers can't get in, then.
- It was only for two minutes.
- Has there been any customers?
- No.
- Was everything alright?
- Yes. No problem.
- I think I'll get going.
- Have you seen Vinterberg?
- Where's the cat?
- I know he hasn't run away.
He's definitely been here. There's
a huge turd in the litter box.
- Oh?
- He's been a bit poorly.
- I need to know what's going on.
- Let's take a look, then.
Okay. That's a turd alright.
And it's one of the bigger ones.
- It smells gross.
- Maybe it's several days' worth?
- What are you doing?
- I want the vet to look at it.
- Susan, it's... Susan...
- I just want to have it checked.
Those faces look pretty normal
to me. He's just having an off day.
This isn't just an off day!
Hi, Marianne. It's Susan Car?e.
My cat is sick.
Yes, he's really poorly.
- Hi, Marianne.
- Hi, Susan.
- What's the problem?
- I found this in the cat tray.
Did he do that?
That doesn't look too good.
- Maybe it's several days' worth?
- When did you change it?
This morning.
I need to run a check on him
and the faces, -
- so I'll have to keep him here
until we know.
Before you take a sample...
I've been to vet school myself.
I've seen cats defecate that much
on several occasions.
I find that hard to believe. This
looks like something from a big dog.
It's just not possible.
I'll take him with me.
You're welcome to call tomorrow.
I'll get in touch
as soon as I know anything.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hello.
Thanks for the other day.
That was impressive. Truly.
- Oh yes, the therapy group.
- How are you doing?
- As well as can be expected...
- Yes. You have ups and downs.
I thought we had a good session.
It's good to have several meetings.
It's really helped me open up.
- There's Jarl.
- Hi. Sorry... I had a bad night.
- Hi, I'm Jarl.
- Morten.
- Is everything OK?
- Yes. I've been to Garodkin.
- Thanks. Can I have a look?
- Yes, by all means.
- It's red, Frank.
- That was the one they had.
- This isn't cashmere. It's wool.
- Cashmere is wool.
It's different goats. The cashmere
goat has the finest wool of all.
That's why it feels so good.
Maybe you need some better clothes.
You can keep this crap.
And forget about the beer club.
- We'll never get along this way.
- Sorry... can I explain?
Frank is going through a rough time.
They lost a child in the ninth month.
What's that he's saying, Frank?
What's he saying?
Is it true what he's saying?
Why haven't you told me?
Here we are, fighting
over a sweater, while you...
Have you been dealing with that
on your own?
Christ, Frank!
Honestly...
You should have told me,
so we could talk about it.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I really am.
Do you know what would be good?
It's a small thing...
I think the beer club would be good
for you. You can have my chair.
- What do you think of that?
- I'd love to, Jarl.
Keep the sweater, Frank. Bye.
Keep the sweater, Frank. Bye.
- What a great friend.
- Yes, he's got his moments.
- Take care.
- You too.
- Dinner is served.
- Wow. I'm looking forward to this.
Yeah, it looks delicious.
- Oh no.
- I'll dish up, then.
Just a small portion for me, please.
It's Mia.
Just a moment...
It's Morten from the therapy group.
It's Morten from therapy.
He says you're meeting up.
No... no!
Tell him I'm not here.
Well done.
Sit down again.
It's time to finish. It was good to
work with your experiences, Frank.
It's a shame Mia is sick today.
I hope she can join us next time.
And now to the more
boring stuff... the payment.
It's 5240 kroner
for these eight sessions.
Frank, I need to ask you something.
It says here that your sessions
are being paid for by Pregpoint.
- Do you know anything about that?
- It's because...
Mia and I won a competition,
and the prize was a therapy program.
Which then coincided
with Mia losing the child.
Pregpoint, isn't that the company
with the pregnancy tests...
... that turned out to be faulty?
We've had other couples
who've had it paid for by Pregpoint.
- Does that ring a bell?
- No, not at all.
And just to make it
absolutely clear, I'd like to say -
- that I know nothing about
Pregpoint. I'll pay for this myself.
- If Pregpoint has paid anything...
- They've paid for you.
- That's rather strange.
- I think it's really cheeky of them.
- How much was it?
- 5240 kroner.
In the kingdom of men
we're all equal. Cheers!
- Strong beer.
- It's time to vote about Frank.
I say yea for Frank.
- Double yea from me.
- I say yea as well. Frank is in.
- Welcome, Frank.
- Thank you.
That decision makes me
very happy indeed.
It's great to be able to welcome
Frank as a member today.
Frank is a cheerful person,
but as it turns out -
- the reason why he's been
a bit unbalanced -
- is that he's lost a child
in the ninth month.
No. Not in the ninth month.
- I did lose...
- She wasn't even pregnant!
- You told me she was pregnant.
- You told me the test was faulty.
That's right.
She wasn't pregnant.
- Why did you say that, then?
- What did he say?
He said he'd lost a child.
I offered to help. You're a liar.
Look at me!
Isn't that what you are? A liar?
Yeah, that was a bit of a slip-up.
- We can't have that in our club.
- I'm a member now, Jarl.
I'm leaving the club, then.
Sit there as long as you want.
Wait, Jarl. Damn it..!
This is stupid.
- What was your name again?
- It's still Christian.
I don't want you shitting
in my cat tray.
We went to the vet. Vinterberg
was in quarantine for three days.
I bought that cat tray
for my cat, damn it!
- What do you say, Mia?
- I'm not saying anything!
Sorry, but...