Klovn (2005–2021): Season 2, Episode 6 - It's a Jungle Down There - full transcript
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---
Based on true events
- Good morning.
- 'Morning, honey.
Yummy. Thank you, honey.
- Any butter?
- Here.
That's K?rg?rden.
Oh dear. That means
the butter's in the fridge.
This is bad news.
Remember to take it out
so it can soften a bit.
- Otherwise I can't spread it.
- It'll get rancid.
Not if you leave it out
for 10 minutes.
Do it first thing in the morning.
- Just put the butter on the table.
- Do it yourself.
Look! It clings to the knife.
The bread gets all squished.
It's ruined.
- So eat K?rg?rden.
- I'm not eating that hybrid junk.
It's just margarine putting on airs.
- Says Casper or what?
- I don't think he even eats butter.
Why does Car?e receive mail here?
Why does he send his mail to me?
- You can't open it!
- He sent it to me.
- You can't open his mail.
- What an anticlimax.
Bye. Have a nice day.
I'm going to Pernille's tonight.
H?jmark?
Am I coming too?
No. It's... It's without men.
Without men? Okay.
- Bye.
- Enjoy your tea.
Honey, you have a letter
from Pernille H?jmark.
"Confidential"?
"Course in masturbation."
"This time, the course is
held at my place at 7 pm."
"Don't bring dildos,
I just bought new ones."
What the hell..?
- Whassup? How are you?
- Just fine.
A letter for Car?e
was sent to my address.
Let me see.
That's you... and Car?e. He doesn't
want this letter sent to him at home.
- I thought so.
- Open it up.
- Yes. I can do that.
- Sure. It has your name on it.
This is porn, Frank.
Girls with hairy muffs.
- Extremely hairy muffs, in fact.
- Did you know Car?e was into that?
It's pretty disgusting.
Oh my god, what a beaver!
It's bloody Chewbacca.
- I'll take it to his place.
- He's in the Black Forest.
Hiking with the wife
and the kiddy in a knapsack.
Just hang onto it. Help him out.
That's pretty cool.
- You're doing the man a favour.
- Mia's going to Pernille H?jmark's.
- She's all right.
- Oh, sure.
The thing is,
she's going there to masturbate.
Pernille H?jmark is giving
a course in masturbation.
- I don't quite... Is it a joke?
- No. Not at all.
- A rebus?
- No, she's going to masturbate.
- I read a letter. To Mia.
- Don't open Mia's letters.
Letters are private. So what did it
say? "Come over and masturbate"?
Yes. It even said not to bring
dildos. Pernille bought new ones.
Thank goodness. Well, if you can't
satisfy her, I think it's great...
- Yes, but...
- Let me get this.
Hi, baby. Whassup, honey?
What?
Oh. I see...
But... Okay. Bye.
That was Iben. She's going
to Pernille H?jmark's today.
- So she's going to masturbate too.
- That's right.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- You're late.
- Yeah...
- Had a nice time?
- Yeah, it was nice.
That's all right, then.
- Oh boy, what an evening.
- Really? In what way?
It was just...
- Strange time to call.
- It's just a text message.
- It's just Iben.
- Oh boy...
What did she write?
She just said thanks
for a great evening.
- I'm going to read for a bit.
- Okay.
- So now we're reading?
- Watch TV if you want.
- Are you going to masturbate?
- What did you say?
- Are you going to masturbate?
- No.
- Maybe you felt like it.
- Maybe.
But I'm just going to read.
Great. I'm totally useless now.
- What are you doing?
- I thought you were masturbating.
No, I was sleeping.
What's wrong with you?
- Just having a bit of fun.
- Not my idea of fun.
I'm going to brush my teeth.
'Morning, honey. This looks great.
You took the butter out.
How nice.
I'm looking forward to this.
- When did you take it out?
- Last night.
- Then it gets much too soft.
- You wanted it soft.
I don't want it completely mushy.
This is just...
Maybe you'd better
take it out yourself.
- I'd better be off.
- Have a nice day, honey.
- Let's have a cosy night at home.
- I'm going to see Pernille.
- Again?
- Bye!
Bye.
Hi, Christensen.
Sorry for calling you this early.
I just wanted to tell you
they're at it again.
They're going to Pernille H?jmark's.
They're going to totally masturbate.
That's a good idea. Yes,
I'll drive Mia there. She won't mind.
I could have walked
there in five minutes.
- No, honey, I want to drive you.
- You're not coming in, Frank.
- I'll just say hi to Thomas.
- He's not at home.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank!
- Hi, Mia.
- Thank you, darling.
See you.
- Now what?
- What is it?
- What do you want?
- I just wanted to say bye.
- Pernille's up there, right?
- Of course she is.
- I have to ask Pernille something.
- It's on the 4th floor.
- Never mind. We want to.
- It's unwise with your knee.
- Hi, Pernille.
- Hi.
Hi, Mia.
Hi, Casper and Frank.
- They just wanted to say hi.
- Bye, boys. See you later.
- What time will you be back?
- It'll take about three hours.
Okay. Bye.
- Welcome. Lose some clothes.
- "Lose some clothes."
Let's take a quick peep.
Just for the hell of it.
Come on.
- We can't do this, Frank.
- Look!
- I'm off.
- This is not normal, Casper.
I want to see them.
We're ready. Today you'll
start with the mirror, Mia.
- Remember the exercise we did?
- I begin by greeting it.
Hi. I missed you.
- But now we're together.
- Give her a name.
Frank just says "the muff".
- That's so derogatory.
- And graceless.
Don't put up with it.
Find a lovely name for your vagina.
It looks a bit like a...
Camilla, I think.
- Lovely name. Hi, Camilla.
- Hi, Camilla.
I'll just say hi to...
If I can find her in this bush.
- Do you mind natural hair growth?
- Not at all.
There she is. Hi.
It's funny, because... The hair
on your head isn't that thick.
I like to imagine it's a jungle,
and in the jungle there's a treasure.
And that's what we're looking at.
- What was that?
- Casper? Frank!
Shit, shit, shit.
Hi, honey!
What the hell is wrong with you?
- What..? Oh, that.
- Yes, that. How old are you, Frank?
I prefer if you wear knickers
when other people are present.
You're such an embarrassment.
I'm allowed to have
my little secrets.
I don't want you to snoop around.
That was a stupid thing to do.
I'm there to explore
my sexual potential -
- and you don't need
to be part of that.
Over there.
I'm getting to know myself better.
Next time you can come along.
- I'm not going to her place.
- Yes, you are.
- The vibes were really bad.
- Pernille said to bring you.
I'll do anything if you let me off.
We're using an apparatus, and the
tube is punctured. You can mend it.
- Are you selling bicycles now?
- It measures the vaginal force.
- It goes into the vagina.
- With me there?
Yes. You're coming.
Cheers.
How's Camilla?
I've got two ladies
in the house now. Camilla and Mia.
From now on I have to call it
Camilla. I mustn't say "the muff".
- I can't say what Iben's is called.
- Yes, you can.
- Nuggi.
- Nuggi?
- Is it full of chocolate?
- No, that's round the other end.
They want us to mend a tube
or something.
First, we couldn't even peep through
a crack, and now we're joining in.
I can't help thinking, when we're
sitting there, the girls and us...
Do we look at them?
Yes, I guess so.
Straight up, Frank, I don't mind
getting a look at Mia's Camilla.
And Pernille's.
I'd like to see both of them.
I'm not very keen on you
looking at Mia's muff.
I feel the same about Iben's.
I want to see it if you're seeing
Mia's. Quid pro quo, I say.
I'll put Iben's into the kitty to
see Mia's. Pernille's is the bonus.
- We put one in and get two.
- Pernille's boyfriend is the loser.
- He puts one in...
- But he doesn't get to see anything.
- How does it work, Pernille?
- You stick this up the vagina.
Mia squeezes it hard, and we
measure the strength of the vagina.
Does Mia have a strong muff?
You insist on calling it a muff.
Haven't you discussed it?
- Yes, we have.
- Why do you keep saying it?
"Muff" is very condescending.
The vagina is a temple of desire.
Is sex never a serious matter to you?
Can't you see it's a sacred thing?
You always make it into a joke.
Do you feel the same way, Casper?
No, not at all.
I think sex should be
something truly wonderful.
Between two people. The moment
their eyes meet can be sex.
- Rubbish.
- What is your problem?
You're in denial.
I think you're frightened.
No, but a shag doesn't have
to be a magic trick each time.
Maybe we should
ask Frank to go home.
I don't think you're ready for this.
I think you're right. Let's go, Mia.
I'm staying here, Frank.
I won't go unless Mia goes, too.
- I'm getting measured.
- Casper will look at your muff.
- Oh, come on. Don't be so vulgar.
- But he will!
- Is that all you can think of?
- Casper and I have discussed this.
I'd see Iben's muff
if he saw Mia's.
Excuse me.
We're not doing deals here.
I was promised that if I put one muff
in the kitty, I'd get to see two.
- Did you..? Casper, is that true?
- I don't know what you're on about.
Frank, get out. I won't have that
kind of wheeling and dealing here.
- We see sex as a sacred thing.
- Thanks for a lovely afternoon.
Excuse me?
- It's Car?e's.
- You have a porn mag in your bag?
I'm keeping it for him while
he's away. He sent it to our place.
- This is so gross!
- It's nothing compared with yours.
Your wall-to-wall carpet.
Out. You and I need to have
a serious talk in the kitchen, Frank.
- What are we going to talk about?
- You.
- You and your issues.
- I need to pee.
Hurry up, then.
- Here we go!
- Are you okay?
Sure. Just fine.
But Frank and I need to talk.
Don't worry.
I'm still peeing.
Right...
- That was so embarrassing.
- I just don't want...
- It was so embarrassing!
- I don't want Casper to see Camilla.
No.
I don't understand why she
got so angry. She's all hairy.
Yes, you made that very clear.
I'll let it grow, if it turns you on.
No! It's Car?e's magazine.
It has nothing to do with me.
I'll let it grow and lie in the snow
if that gives you a kick!
I'm telling you it's Car?e's
magazine. I love shaved muffs!
- We'll go and see if it's Car?e's.
- He's in the Black Forest.
- That's why I'm keeping the mag.
- They're back. He's giving a show.
I'll get it!
- Hi! What's up?
- Frank's got something for Michael.
- I can give it to him.
- No, Susan can't...
- What?
- Give it to her.
Der Frank und die Mia!
Guten Tag.
- You've got mail.
- "Michael Car?e c/o Frank Hvam."
- I thought you were over this!
- Relax, man.
So it is your magazine?
I told you so. It was Michael's.
It was stupid of me
not to involve you at all.
I'd have told you if I signed up
for a masturbation course.
I don't know who'd run it.
Peter Reichardt, maybe.
Come here.
Sit down.
- You want me to stay here?
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- I thought we were masturbating.
It's just that...
Well, you started...
- And I thought I was supposed to...
- You big idiot.
---
Based on true events
- Good morning.
- 'Morning, honey.
Yummy. Thank you, honey.
- Any butter?
- Here.
That's K?rg?rden.
Oh dear. That means
the butter's in the fridge.
This is bad news.
Remember to take it out
so it can soften a bit.
- Otherwise I can't spread it.
- It'll get rancid.
Not if you leave it out
for 10 minutes.
Do it first thing in the morning.
- Just put the butter on the table.
- Do it yourself.
Look! It clings to the knife.
The bread gets all squished.
It's ruined.
- So eat K?rg?rden.
- I'm not eating that hybrid junk.
It's just margarine putting on airs.
- Says Casper or what?
- I don't think he even eats butter.
Why does Car?e receive mail here?
Why does he send his mail to me?
- You can't open it!
- He sent it to me.
- You can't open his mail.
- What an anticlimax.
Bye. Have a nice day.
I'm going to Pernille's tonight.
H?jmark?
Am I coming too?
No. It's... It's without men.
Without men? Okay.
- Bye.
- Enjoy your tea.
Honey, you have a letter
from Pernille H?jmark.
"Confidential"?
"Course in masturbation."
"This time, the course is
held at my place at 7 pm."
"Don't bring dildos,
I just bought new ones."
What the hell..?
- Whassup? How are you?
- Just fine.
A letter for Car?e
was sent to my address.
Let me see.
That's you... and Car?e. He doesn't
want this letter sent to him at home.
- I thought so.
- Open it up.
- Yes. I can do that.
- Sure. It has your name on it.
This is porn, Frank.
Girls with hairy muffs.
- Extremely hairy muffs, in fact.
- Did you know Car?e was into that?
It's pretty disgusting.
Oh my god, what a beaver!
It's bloody Chewbacca.
- I'll take it to his place.
- He's in the Black Forest.
Hiking with the wife
and the kiddy in a knapsack.
Just hang onto it. Help him out.
That's pretty cool.
- You're doing the man a favour.
- Mia's going to Pernille H?jmark's.
- She's all right.
- Oh, sure.
The thing is,
she's going there to masturbate.
Pernille H?jmark is giving
a course in masturbation.
- I don't quite... Is it a joke?
- No. Not at all.
- A rebus?
- No, she's going to masturbate.
- I read a letter. To Mia.
- Don't open Mia's letters.
Letters are private. So what did it
say? "Come over and masturbate"?
Yes. It even said not to bring
dildos. Pernille bought new ones.
Thank goodness. Well, if you can't
satisfy her, I think it's great...
- Yes, but...
- Let me get this.
Hi, baby. Whassup, honey?
What?
Oh. I see...
But... Okay. Bye.
That was Iben. She's going
to Pernille H?jmark's today.
- So she's going to masturbate too.
- That's right.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- You're late.
- Yeah...
- Had a nice time?
- Yeah, it was nice.
That's all right, then.
- Oh boy, what an evening.
- Really? In what way?
It was just...
- Strange time to call.
- It's just a text message.
- It's just Iben.
- Oh boy...
What did she write?
She just said thanks
for a great evening.
- I'm going to read for a bit.
- Okay.
- So now we're reading?
- Watch TV if you want.
- Are you going to masturbate?
- What did you say?
- Are you going to masturbate?
- No.
- Maybe you felt like it.
- Maybe.
But I'm just going to read.
Great. I'm totally useless now.
- What are you doing?
- I thought you were masturbating.
No, I was sleeping.
What's wrong with you?
- Just having a bit of fun.
- Not my idea of fun.
I'm going to brush my teeth.
'Morning, honey. This looks great.
You took the butter out.
How nice.
I'm looking forward to this.
- When did you take it out?
- Last night.
- Then it gets much too soft.
- You wanted it soft.
I don't want it completely mushy.
This is just...
Maybe you'd better
take it out yourself.
- I'd better be off.
- Have a nice day, honey.
- Let's have a cosy night at home.
- I'm going to see Pernille.
- Again?
- Bye!
Bye.
Hi, Christensen.
Sorry for calling you this early.
I just wanted to tell you
they're at it again.
They're going to Pernille H?jmark's.
They're going to totally masturbate.
That's a good idea. Yes,
I'll drive Mia there. She won't mind.
I could have walked
there in five minutes.
- No, honey, I want to drive you.
- You're not coming in, Frank.
- I'll just say hi to Thomas.
- He's not at home.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank!
- Hi, Mia.
- Thank you, darling.
See you.
- Now what?
- What is it?
- What do you want?
- I just wanted to say bye.
- Pernille's up there, right?
- Of course she is.
- I have to ask Pernille something.
- It's on the 4th floor.
- Never mind. We want to.
- It's unwise with your knee.
- Hi, Pernille.
- Hi.
Hi, Mia.
Hi, Casper and Frank.
- They just wanted to say hi.
- Bye, boys. See you later.
- What time will you be back?
- It'll take about three hours.
Okay. Bye.
- Welcome. Lose some clothes.
- "Lose some clothes."
Let's take a quick peep.
Just for the hell of it.
Come on.
- We can't do this, Frank.
- Look!
- I'm off.
- This is not normal, Casper.
I want to see them.
We're ready. Today you'll
start with the mirror, Mia.
- Remember the exercise we did?
- I begin by greeting it.
Hi. I missed you.
- But now we're together.
- Give her a name.
Frank just says "the muff".
- That's so derogatory.
- And graceless.
Don't put up with it.
Find a lovely name for your vagina.
It looks a bit like a...
Camilla, I think.
- Lovely name. Hi, Camilla.
- Hi, Camilla.
I'll just say hi to...
If I can find her in this bush.
- Do you mind natural hair growth?
- Not at all.
There she is. Hi.
It's funny, because... The hair
on your head isn't that thick.
I like to imagine it's a jungle,
and in the jungle there's a treasure.
And that's what we're looking at.
- What was that?
- Casper? Frank!
Shit, shit, shit.
Hi, honey!
What the hell is wrong with you?
- What..? Oh, that.
- Yes, that. How old are you, Frank?
I prefer if you wear knickers
when other people are present.
You're such an embarrassment.
I'm allowed to have
my little secrets.
I don't want you to snoop around.
That was a stupid thing to do.
I'm there to explore
my sexual potential -
- and you don't need
to be part of that.
Over there.
I'm getting to know myself better.
Next time you can come along.
- I'm not going to her place.
- Yes, you are.
- The vibes were really bad.
- Pernille said to bring you.
I'll do anything if you let me off.
We're using an apparatus, and the
tube is punctured. You can mend it.
- Are you selling bicycles now?
- It measures the vaginal force.
- It goes into the vagina.
- With me there?
Yes. You're coming.
Cheers.
How's Camilla?
I've got two ladies
in the house now. Camilla and Mia.
From now on I have to call it
Camilla. I mustn't say "the muff".
- I can't say what Iben's is called.
- Yes, you can.
- Nuggi.
- Nuggi?
- Is it full of chocolate?
- No, that's round the other end.
They want us to mend a tube
or something.
First, we couldn't even peep through
a crack, and now we're joining in.
I can't help thinking, when we're
sitting there, the girls and us...
Do we look at them?
Yes, I guess so.
Straight up, Frank, I don't mind
getting a look at Mia's Camilla.
And Pernille's.
I'd like to see both of them.
I'm not very keen on you
looking at Mia's muff.
I feel the same about Iben's.
I want to see it if you're seeing
Mia's. Quid pro quo, I say.
I'll put Iben's into the kitty to
see Mia's. Pernille's is the bonus.
- We put one in and get two.
- Pernille's boyfriend is the loser.
- He puts one in...
- But he doesn't get to see anything.
- How does it work, Pernille?
- You stick this up the vagina.
Mia squeezes it hard, and we
measure the strength of the vagina.
Does Mia have a strong muff?
You insist on calling it a muff.
Haven't you discussed it?
- Yes, we have.
- Why do you keep saying it?
"Muff" is very condescending.
The vagina is a temple of desire.
Is sex never a serious matter to you?
Can't you see it's a sacred thing?
You always make it into a joke.
Do you feel the same way, Casper?
No, not at all.
I think sex should be
something truly wonderful.
Between two people. The moment
their eyes meet can be sex.
- Rubbish.
- What is your problem?
You're in denial.
I think you're frightened.
No, but a shag doesn't have
to be a magic trick each time.
Maybe we should
ask Frank to go home.
I don't think you're ready for this.
I think you're right. Let's go, Mia.
I'm staying here, Frank.
I won't go unless Mia goes, too.
- I'm getting measured.
- Casper will look at your muff.
- Oh, come on. Don't be so vulgar.
- But he will!
- Is that all you can think of?
- Casper and I have discussed this.
I'd see Iben's muff
if he saw Mia's.
Excuse me.
We're not doing deals here.
I was promised that if I put one muff
in the kitty, I'd get to see two.
- Did you..? Casper, is that true?
- I don't know what you're on about.
Frank, get out. I won't have that
kind of wheeling and dealing here.
- We see sex as a sacred thing.
- Thanks for a lovely afternoon.
Excuse me?
- It's Car?e's.
- You have a porn mag in your bag?
I'm keeping it for him while
he's away. He sent it to our place.
- This is so gross!
- It's nothing compared with yours.
Your wall-to-wall carpet.
Out. You and I need to have
a serious talk in the kitchen, Frank.
- What are we going to talk about?
- You.
- You and your issues.
- I need to pee.
Hurry up, then.
- Here we go!
- Are you okay?
Sure. Just fine.
But Frank and I need to talk.
Don't worry.
I'm still peeing.
Right...
- That was so embarrassing.
- I just don't want...
- It was so embarrassing!
- I don't want Casper to see Camilla.
No.
I don't understand why she
got so angry. She's all hairy.
Yes, you made that very clear.
I'll let it grow, if it turns you on.
No! It's Car?e's magazine.
It has nothing to do with me.
I'll let it grow and lie in the snow
if that gives you a kick!
I'm telling you it's Car?e's
magazine. I love shaved muffs!
- We'll go and see if it's Car?e's.
- He's in the Black Forest.
- That's why I'm keeping the mag.
- They're back. He's giving a show.
I'll get it!
- Hi! What's up?
- Frank's got something for Michael.
- I can give it to him.
- No, Susan can't...
- What?
- Give it to her.
Der Frank und die Mia!
Guten Tag.
- You've got mail.
- "Michael Car?e c/o Frank Hvam."
- I thought you were over this!
- Relax, man.
So it is your magazine?
I told you so. It was Michael's.
It was stupid of me
not to involve you at all.
I'd have told you if I signed up
for a masturbation course.
I don't know who'd run it.
Peter Reichardt, maybe.
Come here.
Sit down.
- You want me to stay here?
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- I thought we were masturbating.
It's just that...
Well, you started...
- And I thought I was supposed to...
- You big idiot.