Klovn (2005–2021): Season 1, Episode 5 - Godfather of Drugs - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Based on true events
- I've got water warts?
- The clinical term is molluscum.
It's nothing serious.
It'll pass in a couple of months.
If you and Mia share towels and such,
just remember, it is contagious.
- It's contagious?
- Yes, through towels and so on.
- I thought I'd need antibiotics.
- No, that doesn't help.
- I haven't had antibiotics in ages.
- Well, lucky you.
I like taking broad-spectred
antibiotics on a regular basis.
A giant flyswatter that wipes out
everything in one blow.
I don't prescribe antibiotics unduly.
Have a good weekend.
Well, Frank... want some?
- No thanks.
- It's really cheap at the moment.
- No. Sensitive mucous membranes...
- Your membranes aren't sensitive.
- I really rather not.
- Okay.
But mum's the word, right?
- Sure.
- Okay? Have a good weekend, then.
- You too.
- See you.
Hey, know what?
- I caught Lars sniffing coke.
- No way.
He sat there in his office, sniffing.
- Why don't you use my doctor?
- You can't trust a junkie like him.
He looked just like Detlef
from "Christina F".
- It's "Christiane F", darling.
- Who's coming to the cottage then?
- Iben, Susan, Bodil and me.
- Sounds great.
- You got any plans for the weekend?
- A dinner party with the lads.
- Nothing big. Just a quiet beer.
- Who with?
Casper, Car?e and Steen, the singer.
- What about Jacob?
- The Gimp? No.
- Why not?
- He's such a party pooper.
Whenever the one-liners are in play,
I say something, Casper elaborates, -
- Car?e starts to croon,
the Gimp gets it and... it dies.
You sound just like Casper
and it's not very becoming.
- He's a drag. They can't stand him.
- That's not your problem.
It's Casper's party.
I can't invite guests to Casper's.
- Okay, I'll invite him.
- Try to think things through...
Casper would never invite the Gimp,
but I will because he's my friend.
- Okay then.
- You don't let your friends down.
- Hello, Frank. Whoops.
- What a bear hug.
- How are you doing, Jacob?
- So-so. I'm going to miss her.
Hello.
Hello, Bodil. Hi, Frank.
- The gang's all here then.
- All ready for the train ride.
- I've got the tickets.
- Which seats have we got?
- You can't book seats.
- So we have to stand?
- No, they have seats.
- We have our own... train ward?
- No, you can't book that.
- We're sitting with everyone else?
- It's all part of the...
- Drive me. It takes half an hour.
- It's all part of the...
- Drive me. It takes half an hour.
- 40 minutes max.
- No.
- I'll remember this!
- You can't remember a bloody thing.
- Have a nice weekend, darling.
- I won't forget!
With a little luck
they won't come back home.
- I'm joking, for Christ's sake.
- Everyone needs a few days off.
Come on, I'll buy you a beer
at the "The Baron and the Baroness".
Sure.
"The Baron and the Baroness",
that's for losers. Isn't it?
- Well, I don't know...
- It's that loser bar at the mall.
- It's okay.
- I don't care where we go.
- Haven't we got work to do?
- Right, we've got work to do.
We've got this huge project.
- You go on down to "The Baron".
- Not by myself.
We've got work to do. Come on.
Come on, Frank...
Nice to see you, Jacob.
Go ahead. Let me just...
- Are you...
- Want to come to Casper's party?
- Can I?
- Sure you can. You're my friend.
See you.
- Let's grab a beer.
- A big one.
- Here's to a good weekend.
- Without any women.
Girlfriends, I mean.
I'm going to bring Jacob along.
- Not to my place.
- I promised.
I don't want any ordinary people. No.
Hello, this is the police.
Who is the owner of that Mercedes?
- I am.
- You can't park there.
- I wasn't aware of that.
- No parking between 10 and 12.
- Sure. Are you from Greenland?
- I am as a matter of fact.
- I've never seen an Eskimo cop.
- Never mind. Please move the car.
- Can I ask...
- Be quiet. Move the car.
- I'll move it and finish my beer.
- Don't drink and drive.
- Says the Eskimo!
- It's just one beer.
- I'm keeping an eye on you.
- A very slanted eye.
- Watch it!
- Yes, watch it.
Is it true you can blindfold Eskimos
with dental floss?
Hey, I'm joking.
- Is this it?
- Yes, this is his place.
Nice, eh?
- Does he live upstairs?
- No, the entire house is his.
Look, they're just ordinary people.
Car?e, Steen, Casper.
Ordinary people like you and me.
No need to be nervous.
We're going to have a good time.
- And Casper doesn't mind?
- No, he's got nothing against you.
He doesn't like anyone, so...
You're my friend. It's cool.
And if the one-liners start flying
among Car?e, Casper and me, -
- don't clam up,
just go with the flow.
It's going to be great.
What's that?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Here we are.
- I got you the new Hanne Boel.
It's got some really good songs.
- Okay, cool.
- It's for you.
Come on in.
- Ready to rock and roll?
- Sure... What is he doing here?
- We agreed you wouldn't bring him.
- I didn't want to disappoint him.
- Jacob, it's downstairs.
- This way.
- Downstairs.
- Jacob.
This is the punch stock.
This is far out.
He's got his own pool table.
- Nice! A table-top football game.
- Just remember...
When everyone is having a good time,
just roll with it, okay?
Sure, don't kill the mood.
Take off the no cap
and put on the yes cap.
Just say yes. Okay? Good.
Okay, Mr. Dean Martin. Watch this.
I'm all eyes. Oh, bummer.
You play carambole, right?
- What are you up to these days?
- Well, the band's taking a break.
- No more albums underway?
- Not in the near future.
I really like your music.
I've got the single from that movie.
- "Nightwatch".
- Right.
My girlfriend Bodil bought it.
It's really good.
- I'm glad to hear it.
- I downloaded the entire album.
- You downloaded it?
- You don't do that.
- They're just there for the taking.
- But you rob Steen of his money.
- Yes.
- You owe Steen 149 kroner now.
It's on sale now, so
I'll settle for 79,50. Hand it over.
- Go on.
- I'm broke.
- Some other day.
- Drop your pants then.
You should've thought about that
before you stole his music.
Hey, smell this.
- I've fired my doctor.
- You're fit as a fiddle anyway.
The other day I caught him
snorting a line of coke.
Christ... It's really cheap
at the moment. So I've heard.
Like 1000 kroner for ten grams.
Yes, Simon Kvamm told me
it's a steal at the moment.
- He's a real cokehead.
- He and his pals run on coke.
- Not your cup of tea, eh?
- Have you tried coke?
Sure. A long time ago.
It's no match for heroin, though.
Once you've tried that,
the rest can go to hell.
- Why is that?
- It's a special kind of world.
- It's the wildest thing.
- Yes, the final taboo.
Imagine people's faces
if you said : "No thanks..."
"I don't do coke. I do heroin."
If I were to do drugs, I'd do heroin.
The Godfather of drugs.
- That could be fun.
- I can fix that. Sure.
- You can? Would you do it?
- Sure.
- Right now?
- Are you game?
Fuck it, let's do it.
Now's the perfect time.
- Shut up, Frank.
- Let's do it!
- Wild!
- Life in the fast lane. One-liners!
Let's do some horse.
- All lined up.
- Jesus Christ.
Cheers.
- Well, let's get cracking.
- I'll pass.
Who's going to open the show?
You go ahead.
- I haven't tried it before.
- None of us have.
I think you should go first.
- Here.
- Why me?
- Because I said so.
- Someone's got to go first.
- Because I said so.
- Someone's got to go first.
- Can't we draw lots?
- Not in my house.
- Frank, I can't.
- Put on your yes cap.
- You go first.
- Yes.
It's good because the rest of us
know and trust each other.
I want to make sure you're not
the asshole who runs to the media.
- We're not forcing him.
- I'll do it.
- Great.
- There's a one-liner for you.
- Good sport.
- Here's to you.
Bon voyage.
- I can't do it myself.
- Just use the other arm.
I can't do it myself.
Shoot!
- Bend your arm and you're off.
- Okay, Frank...
Well done.
Frank studied to become a vet,
so he knows all the moves.
Is it nice, Jacob?
He's fine. Your turn, Frank.
Come on, Frank.
Let's go.
- Come on. What?
- Look at him.
- He's having a ball. Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Then I'll pass too.
- Let's just call it off.
- Maybe it's a stupid idea anyway.
- Don't hold back on my account.
We agreed to do it together
but it's okay to say no.
- Nobody's forcing anyone.
- Let's have a G&T instead.
He's slouching.
Jacob... Jacob.
- Gimp. Are we having a good time?
- It's not too much, is it?
Yes, just a little.
- Let's call...
- Don't call anyone.
- We have to, if he's OD'ing.
- No, the cops will be all over us.
- Get him out of the house.
- We can't just let the Gimp OD!
Get him out and order a cab
for the house next door.
- You carry him out, Frank.
- I'm calling my doctor. Doctor Coke.
- Hello.
- Is Frank here?
Hi, Lars.
We're in trouble. Heroin.
I'm going to help you out this once,
and then we're even, okay?
Yes.
Is he going to make it?
Yes. He's far away,
but there's no need to worry.
Just let him sleep it off.
He'll wake up in 10-12 hours' time.
- 10-12 hours?
- I'd say so.
Want me to take that off your hands?
- Great.
- I know what to do with it.
- It's quite a full load.
- Well, we do things in style.
Look, I already told Frank
that coke's a steal at the moment.
Hi there.
I couldn't stand being
at the cottage. Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Steen.
- Hi, Iben.
- And you are?
- Frank's doctor.
- Former doctor.
- I've just examined a patient.
- What's wrong with Jacob?
- He's had a bit too much.
How much have you been drinking?
What's that?
- That's Jacob's insulin.
- Look, the party's over.
Go pay the cab driver.
The meter's ticking away.
Steen and I'll take it.
We're going out for a steak.
- Bye.
- Sure, you can come along.
See you.
- So, the cottage was shit?
- Is Mia still there?
- So, the cottage was shit?
- Is Mia still there?
Look, do you think
I'm a complete idiot?
What's wrong with you? Shooting up
the moment my back's turned!
Frank, take your friend
and get out.
Good idea. Great plan, honey.
- Got a headache?
- What's with you?
The moment I'm out the door
you're doing drugs in the den!
Think I'm an idiot?
Insulin doesn't have that effect.
- What did you take?
- See you, Frank.
- How was the cottage?
- Shut up!
- You okay, Jacob?
- Jesus Christ.
- I told you not to bring him.
- I'm glad we didn't hire a stripper.
I'd rather have had a stripper.
He can have this back.
When he wakes up in 12 hours,
he can listen to Hanne Boel. See you.
- Are you joining us for a steak?
- No, I'm exhausted.
- A shame about Iben.
- I'd rather not get involved.
Nothing was good enough for her.
Don't be afraid to stand up to her.
It's for her own good. I do it.
She made a scene
at Casper's, too.
- She did?
- She flew off the handle.
- Who can that be?
- I don't know.
- Anything wrong, Bodil?
- Yes.
Frank is in there.
- I had to tell her I did it.
- You told Bodil?
- Bodil knows you did heroin?
- We tell each other everything.
Are you mad? Are you insane?
Frank.
Come out here, will you?
- Hi, Bodil.
- Will you tell me what happened?
- What have you heard, exactly?
- Bodil says you gave Jacob dope!
After we'd had a couple of beers,
the conversation turned to narcotics.
That's when we thought
it might be fun to try heroin.
So we did.
You two sensible men?
You just don't start doing drugs.
It was Casper's idea, not Frank's.
- Casper kept telling me to go first.
- But you injected it into his arm.
- I asked him to.
- You asked Frank?
- I've studied to be a vet.
- Why did you even go along?
Because you're afraid
of standing up to Casper. It's so...
I thought heroin sounded fun, too.
It sounds like a barrel of laughs.
So, my boyfriend is a junkie.
- No, you aren't.
- "Hello, my boyfriend is a junkie."
- Calm down. I didn't try it.
- I don't want you to see Casper.
- Okay. For a week or so?
- Let's start with a month.
- Bye, Frank.
- Bye, Bodil.
---
Based on true events
- I've got water warts?
- The clinical term is molluscum.
It's nothing serious.
It'll pass in a couple of months.
If you and Mia share towels and such,
just remember, it is contagious.
- It's contagious?
- Yes, through towels and so on.
- I thought I'd need antibiotics.
- No, that doesn't help.
- I haven't had antibiotics in ages.
- Well, lucky you.
I like taking broad-spectred
antibiotics on a regular basis.
A giant flyswatter that wipes out
everything in one blow.
I don't prescribe antibiotics unduly.
Have a good weekend.
Well, Frank... want some?
- No thanks.
- It's really cheap at the moment.
- No. Sensitive mucous membranes...
- Your membranes aren't sensitive.
- I really rather not.
- Okay.
But mum's the word, right?
- Sure.
- Okay? Have a good weekend, then.
- You too.
- See you.
Hey, know what?
- I caught Lars sniffing coke.
- No way.
He sat there in his office, sniffing.
- Why don't you use my doctor?
- You can't trust a junkie like him.
He looked just like Detlef
from "Christina F".
- It's "Christiane F", darling.
- Who's coming to the cottage then?
- Iben, Susan, Bodil and me.
- Sounds great.
- You got any plans for the weekend?
- A dinner party with the lads.
- Nothing big. Just a quiet beer.
- Who with?
Casper, Car?e and Steen, the singer.
- What about Jacob?
- The Gimp? No.
- Why not?
- He's such a party pooper.
Whenever the one-liners are in play,
I say something, Casper elaborates, -
- Car?e starts to croon,
the Gimp gets it and... it dies.
You sound just like Casper
and it's not very becoming.
- He's a drag. They can't stand him.
- That's not your problem.
It's Casper's party.
I can't invite guests to Casper's.
- Okay, I'll invite him.
- Try to think things through...
Casper would never invite the Gimp,
but I will because he's my friend.
- Okay then.
- You don't let your friends down.
- Hello, Frank. Whoops.
- What a bear hug.
- How are you doing, Jacob?
- So-so. I'm going to miss her.
Hello.
Hello, Bodil. Hi, Frank.
- The gang's all here then.
- All ready for the train ride.
- I've got the tickets.
- Which seats have we got?
- You can't book seats.
- So we have to stand?
- No, they have seats.
- We have our own... train ward?
- No, you can't book that.
- We're sitting with everyone else?
- It's all part of the...
- Drive me. It takes half an hour.
- It's all part of the...
- Drive me. It takes half an hour.
- 40 minutes max.
- No.
- I'll remember this!
- You can't remember a bloody thing.
- Have a nice weekend, darling.
- I won't forget!
With a little luck
they won't come back home.
- I'm joking, for Christ's sake.
- Everyone needs a few days off.
Come on, I'll buy you a beer
at the "The Baron and the Baroness".
Sure.
"The Baron and the Baroness",
that's for losers. Isn't it?
- Well, I don't know...
- It's that loser bar at the mall.
- It's okay.
- I don't care where we go.
- Haven't we got work to do?
- Right, we've got work to do.
We've got this huge project.
- You go on down to "The Baron".
- Not by myself.
We've got work to do. Come on.
Come on, Frank...
Nice to see you, Jacob.
Go ahead. Let me just...
- Are you...
- Want to come to Casper's party?
- Can I?
- Sure you can. You're my friend.
See you.
- Let's grab a beer.
- A big one.
- Here's to a good weekend.
- Without any women.
Girlfriends, I mean.
I'm going to bring Jacob along.
- Not to my place.
- I promised.
I don't want any ordinary people. No.
Hello, this is the police.
Who is the owner of that Mercedes?
- I am.
- You can't park there.
- I wasn't aware of that.
- No parking between 10 and 12.
- Sure. Are you from Greenland?
- I am as a matter of fact.
- I've never seen an Eskimo cop.
- Never mind. Please move the car.
- Can I ask...
- Be quiet. Move the car.
- I'll move it and finish my beer.
- Don't drink and drive.
- Says the Eskimo!
- It's just one beer.
- I'm keeping an eye on you.
- A very slanted eye.
- Watch it!
- Yes, watch it.
Is it true you can blindfold Eskimos
with dental floss?
Hey, I'm joking.
- Is this it?
- Yes, this is his place.
Nice, eh?
- Does he live upstairs?
- No, the entire house is his.
Look, they're just ordinary people.
Car?e, Steen, Casper.
Ordinary people like you and me.
No need to be nervous.
We're going to have a good time.
- And Casper doesn't mind?
- No, he's got nothing against you.
He doesn't like anyone, so...
You're my friend. It's cool.
And if the one-liners start flying
among Car?e, Casper and me, -
- don't clam up,
just go with the flow.
It's going to be great.
What's that?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Here we are.
- I got you the new Hanne Boel.
It's got some really good songs.
- Okay, cool.
- It's for you.
Come on in.
- Ready to rock and roll?
- Sure... What is he doing here?
- We agreed you wouldn't bring him.
- I didn't want to disappoint him.
- Jacob, it's downstairs.
- This way.
- Downstairs.
- Jacob.
This is the punch stock.
This is far out.
He's got his own pool table.
- Nice! A table-top football game.
- Just remember...
When everyone is having a good time,
just roll with it, okay?
Sure, don't kill the mood.
Take off the no cap
and put on the yes cap.
Just say yes. Okay? Good.
Okay, Mr. Dean Martin. Watch this.
I'm all eyes. Oh, bummer.
You play carambole, right?
- What are you up to these days?
- Well, the band's taking a break.
- No more albums underway?
- Not in the near future.
I really like your music.
I've got the single from that movie.
- "Nightwatch".
- Right.
My girlfriend Bodil bought it.
It's really good.
- I'm glad to hear it.
- I downloaded the entire album.
- You downloaded it?
- You don't do that.
- They're just there for the taking.
- But you rob Steen of his money.
- Yes.
- You owe Steen 149 kroner now.
It's on sale now, so
I'll settle for 79,50. Hand it over.
- Go on.
- I'm broke.
- Some other day.
- Drop your pants then.
You should've thought about that
before you stole his music.
Hey, smell this.
- I've fired my doctor.
- You're fit as a fiddle anyway.
The other day I caught him
snorting a line of coke.
Christ... It's really cheap
at the moment. So I've heard.
Like 1000 kroner for ten grams.
Yes, Simon Kvamm told me
it's a steal at the moment.
- He's a real cokehead.
- He and his pals run on coke.
- Not your cup of tea, eh?
- Have you tried coke?
Sure. A long time ago.
It's no match for heroin, though.
Once you've tried that,
the rest can go to hell.
- Why is that?
- It's a special kind of world.
- It's the wildest thing.
- Yes, the final taboo.
Imagine people's faces
if you said : "No thanks..."
"I don't do coke. I do heroin."
If I were to do drugs, I'd do heroin.
The Godfather of drugs.
- That could be fun.
- I can fix that. Sure.
- You can? Would you do it?
- Sure.
- Right now?
- Are you game?
Fuck it, let's do it.
Now's the perfect time.
- Shut up, Frank.
- Let's do it!
- Wild!
- Life in the fast lane. One-liners!
Let's do some horse.
- All lined up.
- Jesus Christ.
Cheers.
- Well, let's get cracking.
- I'll pass.
Who's going to open the show?
You go ahead.
- I haven't tried it before.
- None of us have.
I think you should go first.
- Here.
- Why me?
- Because I said so.
- Someone's got to go first.
- Because I said so.
- Someone's got to go first.
- Can't we draw lots?
- Not in my house.
- Frank, I can't.
- Put on your yes cap.
- You go first.
- Yes.
It's good because the rest of us
know and trust each other.
I want to make sure you're not
the asshole who runs to the media.
- We're not forcing him.
- I'll do it.
- Great.
- There's a one-liner for you.
- Good sport.
- Here's to you.
Bon voyage.
- I can't do it myself.
- Just use the other arm.
I can't do it myself.
Shoot!
- Bend your arm and you're off.
- Okay, Frank...
Well done.
Frank studied to become a vet,
so he knows all the moves.
Is it nice, Jacob?
He's fine. Your turn, Frank.
Come on, Frank.
Let's go.
- Come on. What?
- Look at him.
- He's having a ball. Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Then I'll pass too.
- Let's just call it off.
- Maybe it's a stupid idea anyway.
- Don't hold back on my account.
We agreed to do it together
but it's okay to say no.
- Nobody's forcing anyone.
- Let's have a G&T instead.
He's slouching.
Jacob... Jacob.
- Gimp. Are we having a good time?
- It's not too much, is it?
Yes, just a little.
- Let's call...
- Don't call anyone.
- We have to, if he's OD'ing.
- No, the cops will be all over us.
- Get him out of the house.
- We can't just let the Gimp OD!
Get him out and order a cab
for the house next door.
- You carry him out, Frank.
- I'm calling my doctor. Doctor Coke.
- Hello.
- Is Frank here?
Hi, Lars.
We're in trouble. Heroin.
I'm going to help you out this once,
and then we're even, okay?
Yes.
Is he going to make it?
Yes. He's far away,
but there's no need to worry.
Just let him sleep it off.
He'll wake up in 10-12 hours' time.
- 10-12 hours?
- I'd say so.
Want me to take that off your hands?
- Great.
- I know what to do with it.
- It's quite a full load.
- Well, we do things in style.
Look, I already told Frank
that coke's a steal at the moment.
Hi there.
I couldn't stand being
at the cottage. Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Steen.
- Hi, Iben.
- And you are?
- Frank's doctor.
- Former doctor.
- I've just examined a patient.
- What's wrong with Jacob?
- He's had a bit too much.
How much have you been drinking?
What's that?
- That's Jacob's insulin.
- Look, the party's over.
Go pay the cab driver.
The meter's ticking away.
Steen and I'll take it.
We're going out for a steak.
- Bye.
- Sure, you can come along.
See you.
- So, the cottage was shit?
- Is Mia still there?
- So, the cottage was shit?
- Is Mia still there?
Look, do you think
I'm a complete idiot?
What's wrong with you? Shooting up
the moment my back's turned!
Frank, take your friend
and get out.
Good idea. Great plan, honey.
- Got a headache?
- What's with you?
The moment I'm out the door
you're doing drugs in the den!
Think I'm an idiot?
Insulin doesn't have that effect.
- What did you take?
- See you, Frank.
- How was the cottage?
- Shut up!
- You okay, Jacob?
- Jesus Christ.
- I told you not to bring him.
- I'm glad we didn't hire a stripper.
I'd rather have had a stripper.
He can have this back.
When he wakes up in 12 hours,
he can listen to Hanne Boel. See you.
- Are you joining us for a steak?
- No, I'm exhausted.
- A shame about Iben.
- I'd rather not get involved.
Nothing was good enough for her.
Don't be afraid to stand up to her.
It's for her own good. I do it.
She made a scene
at Casper's, too.
- She did?
- She flew off the handle.
- Who can that be?
- I don't know.
- Anything wrong, Bodil?
- Yes.
Frank is in there.
- I had to tell her I did it.
- You told Bodil?
- Bodil knows you did heroin?
- We tell each other everything.
Are you mad? Are you insane?
Frank.
Come out here, will you?
- Hi, Bodil.
- Will you tell me what happened?
- What have you heard, exactly?
- Bodil says you gave Jacob dope!
After we'd had a couple of beers,
the conversation turned to narcotics.
That's when we thought
it might be fun to try heroin.
So we did.
You two sensible men?
You just don't start doing drugs.
It was Casper's idea, not Frank's.
- Casper kept telling me to go first.
- But you injected it into his arm.
- I asked him to.
- You asked Frank?
- I've studied to be a vet.
- Why did you even go along?
Because you're afraid
of standing up to Casper. It's so...
I thought heroin sounded fun, too.
It sounds like a barrel of laughs.
So, my boyfriend is a junkie.
- No, you aren't.
- "Hello, my boyfriend is a junkie."
- Calm down. I didn't try it.
- I don't want you to see Casper.
- Okay. For a week or so?
- Let's start with a month.
- Bye, Frank.
- Bye, Bodil.