Klovn (2005–2021): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dalai Lama - full transcript
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---
THE DALAI LAMA
based on true events
It's like "Pilot Guides"
meets "The Money Programme".
Frank and I get 50,000 kroner in cash
and go off to somewhere in the world.
- Bang, do something, move on.
- Where would you go?
Anywhere. From Iceland...
To Africa. Africa is great.
TV Zulu in Africa would be cool.
- Who would host the show?
- We've had many ideas.
- Maybe Gintberg?
- Yes...
He's an old pal, but who wants
to dance to a car alarm all night?
- He's got that... he's a screamer.
- Maybe Mattesen? "The Duck".
He's great too.
But the thing is...
He doesn't look
into the camera naturally.
He's got that blank, feverish stare.
His eyes are empty.
- Maybe he's better on location?
- He's got "reptile eyes".
What about the Angora boys?
Angora-Angola-Africa...
- They're really hot right now.
- You said it. "Right now".
It's like a fireworks rocket.
Who wants it once it has fallen down?
- Hell, it could be the two of you.
- That crossed our minds, too.
- It would be a new thing for you.
- Your channel needs "big" hosts.
You want people on TV Zulu who've
hosted shows on the main channel.
I like it. It's at least 50-50.
No, with you as hosts it's 80-20.
Excuse me, I have to get this...
- It's from Szhirley. You know her?
- The singer? She's hot.
- You're dating Szhirley?
- Not quite. She's hard to get.
- She's The Joker's ex-girlfriend.
- Really?
Isn't "The Joker" a ridiculous
name for a rap singer?
- Yes, but the chicks love it.
- Hey, can I borrow your jacket?
I want to look businessman-like
when I meet Szhirley.
- I haven't got an extra one with me.
- I think you'll be fine, Frank.
You'll get it tonight.
I'll give it to Casper.
I'll take care of it, Frank.
It's just a jacket.
No, it's a jacket
that I'm very fond of.
I'm not the careless type, you know.
Say hello to Szhirley.
- You got tickets for the Dalai Lama?
- Yes, Iben is really into it.
We'll see you there, too.
- Great!
- 80-20.
It's in the bag. Yes!
- Did I get tickets for the Dalai?
- No, only Casper got those.
- Why didn't I get any?
- I don't know.
Casper often gets invited
without you.
- Did you have a nice day?
- Yes. How did the meeting go?
Super. Palle really liked the idea.
He wanted to do the show.
He said it was 80-20.
Palle always indicates the chances
of a project with a percentage.
Frank, would you move those bags
and boxes from the spare room?
Sidse is going to stay here
for a couple of days.
Your old schoolmate?
She's going to a seminar,
so she might as well stay here.
Sweet girl. Great.
Very...
... charming, in fact.
She's such a sunny person.
- She's what?
- Sunny. She lights up a room.
- Has she got a boyfriend?
- No, not at the moment.
I'll have two naughty
pussycats in the house.
- She really is a naughty pussycat.
- Yes, she's a zesty chick.
- She's got pizzazz.
- She's been in trouble.
- I never told you about that.
- No.
She's worked as an escort girl.
- Sidse worked as an escort girl?
- Yes, she did.
- She has quit now, but...
- We'll have a hooker in the house.
- Don't talk about it.
- Who would I tell?
I'm going to have a hooker
staying at my place.
- What do you mean "staying"?
- You've met Sidse.
- And she's a hooker?
- She used to be.
You can't have a hooker
staying at your place.
You can't control yourself.
No man would be able to.
Imagine that Mia says, "I'm off to
the shop for a couple of hours."
And you're alone with Sidse.
You sit in the sofa watching a film.
She unbuttons her jeans
and tucks her toes under your leg.
"Will you massage my feet? " she asks.
Then she looks at your dick and says:
"Let's do something about that. 500
kroner and I'll give you a blow job."
So you think, "Have I got time?
Have I got 500 kroner? You bet."
And you're at it. Halfway through
getting head you think, "Fuck it."
And you rip off her jeans
and screw her.
If that's what happens,
you're right.
Nip it in the bud, Frank.
You can't handle it.
- It's no good.
- It never occurred to me.
I just know it.
- Did you get my jacket?
- From Palle? No.
Strange.
He promised to give it back.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi... Frank.
- Long time, no see.
- Hi, Sidse.
Come here...
- Nice to see you.
- You're all sweaty.
- I've been working out.
- Yeah, you gave me a good hug.
You felt it?
I guess I got a good grip there...
- Where is Mia?
- She went shopping.
Let's have a glass of wine
and a chat.
Come on. I'll get the wine.
- I don't want any wine.
- Why not?
No alcohol for me.
I'm going to work out.
See you later.
- Palle? Are you walking the dog?
- You know Frank?
- Sort of...
- Hi, Szhirley. Nice meeting you.
You're a great singer.
I have some of your albums.
- Are you on your way to the dump?
- No, that's stuff I just bought.
- I paid a lot of money for that.
- Let's move on.
- Is that my jacket you're wearing?
- Yes. I'll see you, Frank.
- I'd like to have it back.
- You'll get it tomorrow.
- You said I'd get it yesterday.
- Can't it wait? We're busy.
It's a cool jacket
that I got in New York.
I'm a bit fussy about it. Palle
just borrowed it to impress you.
- He has already impressed me.
- Can't it wait till tomorrow?
- You'll get it tomorrow.
- I'd like to have it now.
- You can't give it to him now.
- It's not work clothes, you know.
- Jesper would never have done that.
- Who's Jesper?
- Jesper would never have done that.
- Who's Jesper?
- That's The Joker, isn't it?
- See you, Frank.
Palle? There's a stain on it!
Darling?
- Do you want a cup of tea with us?
- No. Just have a nice chat, you two.
Want a biscuit?
I found these knickers on the floor.
- Oh, there they are.
- I thought they were yours, Mia.
They were lying on the floor.
Rig ht... I've got work to do.
- Mia? Will you give me a back rub?
- No, not now.
I guess I stood the wrong way
on the step machine.
- Is it bad?
- Well, you know...
Is it here?
Sit down. Come on.
Don't be silly.
It'll take two minutes.
Is it up here, in the shoulders?
I stood the wrong way
on the step machine.
Yeah, I can feel that.
It's all hard. Relax.
Breathe in...
... and breathe out.
- Do it one more time.
- Are you coming to bed?
- Yes. Thank you. That helped.
- You're welcome.
- I'm off to bed.
- So am I. Good night, Mia.
Good night.
Do you think Sidse is attractive?
- Jesus.
- I just asked.
She does nothing for me.
- She's nice enough, I guess.
- Would you have sex with her?
Do you want me to be honest?
Totally honest?
No, I wouldn't.
- Shanghai. In an opium den.
- Casper?
- Yes?
- Palle's on the phone.
Hi, Palle. Casper here.
What's up?
Why? Oh, come on,
you know Frank.
Okay. Right. Bye.
- What did Palle say?
- He cancelled the project.
Apparently because you...
In his version of the story...
humiliated him in front of Szhirley.
You tore the jacket off him, and he
ran after Szhirley who'd walked off.
Nonsense. I asked for my jacket
and he gave it to me.
And he just walked away.
- And he's stained my jacket!
- Forget that stupid jacket, Frank.
- I don't know what it is.
- It's shit.
How do I get it off? Maybe it's
dogshit. Szhirley's got a dog.
Okay. Give me that bag.
Look at it from my side.
The whole project is slipping.
I'll talk to Palle and get it sorted.
We have to get it back on track.
I'm off.
I need a cab. Are you staying here?
Of course you are. You can't go home.
- Frank's got a hooker at his house.
- You've been with a hooker?
- Frank's got a hooker at his house.
- You've been with a hooker?
You've got a hooker and a girlfriend.
It's too much.
Oh, never mind...
Frank!
- You left the door open.
- I thought I was alone.
Remember to close it. I didn't
know you were in the bath.
That's how situations
like this arise.
Sorry!
I screwed up today. I went to the
loo while Sidse was in the bathtub.
- Was she naked?
- I guess so.
Oh.
- Did you stand there looking at her?
- No, I hurried out.
I just wanted you to know.
- It's just an awkward situation.
- It's all right, darling.
Casper!
- What did Palle say?
- He was sort of...
- He can be a bit... unmanly.
- You said it.
So I said, "Listen, that jacket
and Frank and all that jazz..."
You're not at all ready, darling.
You're all... crimpled.
So I said, "Percentage-wise,
where are we? "
So he says blah-blah
and I say, "Give me a number."
"80-20." So we are back
where we were.
- Stop talking. We're late.
- Then he'll just have to wait.
- The Dalai Lama?
- Isn't it odd I'm not invited?
I don't know. I guess it's
for the cultural elite.
Casper's only going
because I'm invited.
I have an idea: Why don't you
grab hold of Palle and Szhirley -
- and come to my place afterwards
and have some champagne?
- Lovely. With Palle and Szhirley?
- I want to make it up to them.
- We have to go.
- Lock up and turn off the light.
I read a stupid Dalai Lama quote.
"The little finger is weaker
than the thumb."
"But when you have to clean your
ears, the little finger is useful."
Hi there.
The project is back on track.
Casper talked to Palle. I invited
them over for champagne.
Frank, I've just been
telling Sidse that...
That you know she was a prostitute.
- Now I understand why you were...
- Yes, I felt a bit awkward.
That story really affected me.
I wasn't sure how you...
I'm not used to having a girl who
has worked in that profession here.
- I guess it rattled me.
- Like the episode in the bathroom.
- Yes. That was a nasty accident.
- It wasn't an accident.
- I could see you were horny.
- Why do you say that?
I was in the bathtub and suddenly
I hear a cell phone ringing.
And I see you there
with your trousers down...
- I went to the toilet.
- Well, it didn't look that way.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was going to tell you, but...
I forgot.
Listen. I went to the toilet and
suddenly I saw Sidse in the bath.
You were pooping with Sidse there?
Yes!
Welcome. Hi there.
Hi, Szhirley. Palle.
It was fantastic.
The Dalai Lama is a true star.
- It was a shame you didn't go.
- I wasn't invited.
- Too bad. It was really fantastic.
- It was energy, it was light...
It felt as if a burden was lifted off
of your shoulders...
I've opened a bottle of champagne to
celebrate the revival of the project.
- Come in and have a glass.
- Thanks.
- Is that Sidse in there?
- Yes.
Hi, Mia. Great to see you.
Hi. My name is Casper.
Hi Sidse. Thank you.
I'd like to propose a toast for the
project that is back on track.
- It's a fine project.
- Good luck with it.
- Where have I seen you before?
- I'm sure I haven't seen you before.
No. I'm quite sure I've seen you
before. I'm quite sure we've met.
- The only thing I can think of...
- Don't say anything, Sidse.
Why do you want her to shut up?
Do you know where it is?
- Come on, say it.
- All right, I'll say it.
A couple of years ago Sidse
worked as an escort girl.
I'm out of here. I'm going home.
Jesus Christ, Palle.
I'm going home
and you're not coming.
- Come and have a drink, Szhirley.
- Forget it!
I'd better give Szhirley a lift. I'll
talk to her and then I'll call you.
Frank, you really are a clown.
- Bye.
- Are you going home too?
- Did you bring my jacket?
- No, I've got it at home.
- I'll drive you home and pick it up.
- No need. I'll get a cab.
- There.
- Bye.
I'll wait here
while you get the jacket.
---
THE DALAI LAMA
based on true events
It's like "Pilot Guides"
meets "The Money Programme".
Frank and I get 50,000 kroner in cash
and go off to somewhere in the world.
- Bang, do something, move on.
- Where would you go?
Anywhere. From Iceland...
To Africa. Africa is great.
TV Zulu in Africa would be cool.
- Who would host the show?
- We've had many ideas.
- Maybe Gintberg?
- Yes...
He's an old pal, but who wants
to dance to a car alarm all night?
- He's got that... he's a screamer.
- Maybe Mattesen? "The Duck".
He's great too.
But the thing is...
He doesn't look
into the camera naturally.
He's got that blank, feverish stare.
His eyes are empty.
- Maybe he's better on location?
- He's got "reptile eyes".
What about the Angora boys?
Angora-Angola-Africa...
- They're really hot right now.
- You said it. "Right now".
It's like a fireworks rocket.
Who wants it once it has fallen down?
- Hell, it could be the two of you.
- That crossed our minds, too.
- It would be a new thing for you.
- Your channel needs "big" hosts.
You want people on TV Zulu who've
hosted shows on the main channel.
I like it. It's at least 50-50.
No, with you as hosts it's 80-20.
Excuse me, I have to get this...
- It's from Szhirley. You know her?
- The singer? She's hot.
- You're dating Szhirley?
- Not quite. She's hard to get.
- She's The Joker's ex-girlfriend.
- Really?
Isn't "The Joker" a ridiculous
name for a rap singer?
- Yes, but the chicks love it.
- Hey, can I borrow your jacket?
I want to look businessman-like
when I meet Szhirley.
- I haven't got an extra one with me.
- I think you'll be fine, Frank.
You'll get it tonight.
I'll give it to Casper.
I'll take care of it, Frank.
It's just a jacket.
No, it's a jacket
that I'm very fond of.
I'm not the careless type, you know.
Say hello to Szhirley.
- You got tickets for the Dalai Lama?
- Yes, Iben is really into it.
We'll see you there, too.
- Great!
- 80-20.
It's in the bag. Yes!
- Did I get tickets for the Dalai?
- No, only Casper got those.
- Why didn't I get any?
- I don't know.
Casper often gets invited
without you.
- Did you have a nice day?
- Yes. How did the meeting go?
Super. Palle really liked the idea.
He wanted to do the show.
He said it was 80-20.
Palle always indicates the chances
of a project with a percentage.
Frank, would you move those bags
and boxes from the spare room?
Sidse is going to stay here
for a couple of days.
Your old schoolmate?
She's going to a seminar,
so she might as well stay here.
Sweet girl. Great.
Very...
... charming, in fact.
She's such a sunny person.
- She's what?
- Sunny. She lights up a room.
- Has she got a boyfriend?
- No, not at the moment.
I'll have two naughty
pussycats in the house.
- She really is a naughty pussycat.
- Yes, she's a zesty chick.
- She's got pizzazz.
- She's been in trouble.
- I never told you about that.
- No.
She's worked as an escort girl.
- Sidse worked as an escort girl?
- Yes, she did.
- She has quit now, but...
- We'll have a hooker in the house.
- Don't talk about it.
- Who would I tell?
I'm going to have a hooker
staying at my place.
- What do you mean "staying"?
- You've met Sidse.
- And she's a hooker?
- She used to be.
You can't have a hooker
staying at your place.
You can't control yourself.
No man would be able to.
Imagine that Mia says, "I'm off to
the shop for a couple of hours."
And you're alone with Sidse.
You sit in the sofa watching a film.
She unbuttons her jeans
and tucks her toes under your leg.
"Will you massage my feet? " she asks.
Then she looks at your dick and says:
"Let's do something about that. 500
kroner and I'll give you a blow job."
So you think, "Have I got time?
Have I got 500 kroner? You bet."
And you're at it. Halfway through
getting head you think, "Fuck it."
And you rip off her jeans
and screw her.
If that's what happens,
you're right.
Nip it in the bud, Frank.
You can't handle it.
- It's no good.
- It never occurred to me.
I just know it.
- Did you get my jacket?
- From Palle? No.
Strange.
He promised to give it back.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi... Frank.
- Long time, no see.
- Hi, Sidse.
Come here...
- Nice to see you.
- You're all sweaty.
- I've been working out.
- Yeah, you gave me a good hug.
You felt it?
I guess I got a good grip there...
- Where is Mia?
- She went shopping.
Let's have a glass of wine
and a chat.
Come on. I'll get the wine.
- I don't want any wine.
- Why not?
No alcohol for me.
I'm going to work out.
See you later.
- Palle? Are you walking the dog?
- You know Frank?
- Sort of...
- Hi, Szhirley. Nice meeting you.
You're a great singer.
I have some of your albums.
- Are you on your way to the dump?
- No, that's stuff I just bought.
- I paid a lot of money for that.
- Let's move on.
- Is that my jacket you're wearing?
- Yes. I'll see you, Frank.
- I'd like to have it back.
- You'll get it tomorrow.
- You said I'd get it yesterday.
- Can't it wait? We're busy.
It's a cool jacket
that I got in New York.
I'm a bit fussy about it. Palle
just borrowed it to impress you.
- He has already impressed me.
- Can't it wait till tomorrow?
- You'll get it tomorrow.
- I'd like to have it now.
- You can't give it to him now.
- It's not work clothes, you know.
- Jesper would never have done that.
- Who's Jesper?
- Jesper would never have done that.
- Who's Jesper?
- That's The Joker, isn't it?
- See you, Frank.
Palle? There's a stain on it!
Darling?
- Do you want a cup of tea with us?
- No. Just have a nice chat, you two.
Want a biscuit?
I found these knickers on the floor.
- Oh, there they are.
- I thought they were yours, Mia.
They were lying on the floor.
Rig ht... I've got work to do.
- Mia? Will you give me a back rub?
- No, not now.
I guess I stood the wrong way
on the step machine.
- Is it bad?
- Well, you know...
Is it here?
Sit down. Come on.
Don't be silly.
It'll take two minutes.
Is it up here, in the shoulders?
I stood the wrong way
on the step machine.
Yeah, I can feel that.
It's all hard. Relax.
Breathe in...
... and breathe out.
- Do it one more time.
- Are you coming to bed?
- Yes. Thank you. That helped.
- You're welcome.
- I'm off to bed.
- So am I. Good night, Mia.
Good night.
Do you think Sidse is attractive?
- Jesus.
- I just asked.
She does nothing for me.
- She's nice enough, I guess.
- Would you have sex with her?
Do you want me to be honest?
Totally honest?
No, I wouldn't.
- Shanghai. In an opium den.
- Casper?
- Yes?
- Palle's on the phone.
Hi, Palle. Casper here.
What's up?
Why? Oh, come on,
you know Frank.
Okay. Right. Bye.
- What did Palle say?
- He cancelled the project.
Apparently because you...
In his version of the story...
humiliated him in front of Szhirley.
You tore the jacket off him, and he
ran after Szhirley who'd walked off.
Nonsense. I asked for my jacket
and he gave it to me.
And he just walked away.
- And he's stained my jacket!
- Forget that stupid jacket, Frank.
- I don't know what it is.
- It's shit.
How do I get it off? Maybe it's
dogshit. Szhirley's got a dog.
Okay. Give me that bag.
Look at it from my side.
The whole project is slipping.
I'll talk to Palle and get it sorted.
We have to get it back on track.
I'm off.
I need a cab. Are you staying here?
Of course you are. You can't go home.
- Frank's got a hooker at his house.
- You've been with a hooker?
- Frank's got a hooker at his house.
- You've been with a hooker?
You've got a hooker and a girlfriend.
It's too much.
Oh, never mind...
Frank!
- You left the door open.
- I thought I was alone.
Remember to close it. I didn't
know you were in the bath.
That's how situations
like this arise.
Sorry!
I screwed up today. I went to the
loo while Sidse was in the bathtub.
- Was she naked?
- I guess so.
Oh.
- Did you stand there looking at her?
- No, I hurried out.
I just wanted you to know.
- It's just an awkward situation.
- It's all right, darling.
Casper!
- What did Palle say?
- He was sort of...
- He can be a bit... unmanly.
- You said it.
So I said, "Listen, that jacket
and Frank and all that jazz..."
You're not at all ready, darling.
You're all... crimpled.
So I said, "Percentage-wise,
where are we? "
So he says blah-blah
and I say, "Give me a number."
"80-20." So we are back
where we were.
- Stop talking. We're late.
- Then he'll just have to wait.
- The Dalai Lama?
- Isn't it odd I'm not invited?
I don't know. I guess it's
for the cultural elite.
Casper's only going
because I'm invited.
I have an idea: Why don't you
grab hold of Palle and Szhirley -
- and come to my place afterwards
and have some champagne?
- Lovely. With Palle and Szhirley?
- I want to make it up to them.
- We have to go.
- Lock up and turn off the light.
I read a stupid Dalai Lama quote.
"The little finger is weaker
than the thumb."
"But when you have to clean your
ears, the little finger is useful."
Hi there.
The project is back on track.
Casper talked to Palle. I invited
them over for champagne.
Frank, I've just been
telling Sidse that...
That you know she was a prostitute.
- Now I understand why you were...
- Yes, I felt a bit awkward.
That story really affected me.
I wasn't sure how you...
I'm not used to having a girl who
has worked in that profession here.
- I guess it rattled me.
- Like the episode in the bathroom.
- Yes. That was a nasty accident.
- It wasn't an accident.
- I could see you were horny.
- Why do you say that?
I was in the bathtub and suddenly
I hear a cell phone ringing.
And I see you there
with your trousers down...
- I went to the toilet.
- Well, it didn't look that way.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was going to tell you, but...
I forgot.
Listen. I went to the toilet and
suddenly I saw Sidse in the bath.
You were pooping with Sidse there?
Yes!
Welcome. Hi there.
Hi, Szhirley. Palle.
It was fantastic.
The Dalai Lama is a true star.
- It was a shame you didn't go.
- I wasn't invited.
- Too bad. It was really fantastic.
- It was energy, it was light...
It felt as if a burden was lifted off
of your shoulders...
I've opened a bottle of champagne to
celebrate the revival of the project.
- Come in and have a glass.
- Thanks.
- Is that Sidse in there?
- Yes.
Hi, Mia. Great to see you.
Hi. My name is Casper.
Hi Sidse. Thank you.
I'd like to propose a toast for the
project that is back on track.
- It's a fine project.
- Good luck with it.
- Where have I seen you before?
- I'm sure I haven't seen you before.
No. I'm quite sure I've seen you
before. I'm quite sure we've met.
- The only thing I can think of...
- Don't say anything, Sidse.
Why do you want her to shut up?
Do you know where it is?
- Come on, say it.
- All right, I'll say it.
A couple of years ago Sidse
worked as an escort girl.
I'm out of here. I'm going home.
Jesus Christ, Palle.
I'm going home
and you're not coming.
- Come and have a drink, Szhirley.
- Forget it!
I'd better give Szhirley a lift. I'll
talk to her and then I'll call you.
Frank, you really are a clown.
- Bye.
- Are you going home too?
- Did you bring my jacket?
- No, I've got it at home.
- I'll drive you home and pick it up.
- No need. I'll get a cab.
- There.
- Bye.
I'll wait here
while you get the jacket.