Klovn (2005–2021): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hushovmesteren - full transcript
Frank disagrees with the way Mia runs their home and decides to take on the responsibility. He gets involved in a bizzare situation through his new-found relationship with his annoying neighbour.
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---
THE BUTLER
based on true events
- A toast for Car?e's baby!
- Cheers!
Oh boy.
Oh dear.
Oh boy, Michelle. I say...
What happened?
I must have passed out.
- World class!
- Thank you, Michelle.
Stop it. I've got to pay the girl.
Where are her clothes?
Cheers. Thank you.
1000 kroner for you. That was great.
I truly think we've paid
homage to the female body.
Friends. A few words.
Car?e, congratulations.
A new little baby
whose name will also be Car?e...
- Congratulations. A baby is born.
- It's so beautiful.
Abracadabra.
We saw nothing.
Two rules.
One: There was no stripper.
- Two: There was no stripper.
- And she didn't have big tits.
We don't want any trouble, Frank.
Cheers!
My glasses are full of butterfat.
Did you like the stripper, Car?e?
I think it's... It's fantastic how
many things a woman's body can do.
- Car?e's drunk.
- Don't be disgusting.
We're celebrating your newborn
child, and you're just plain gross.
Why did you pick one
with such enormous breasts?
- Everybody likes big breasts.
- They were remarkably big.
- I want my money's worth.
- You're a tit man!
- Tit man!
- Admit it. You're a tit man.
- In fact, I'm not crazy about tits.
- Who was pulling at those tits?
- Frank was.
- Tit man! Tit man!
- Honey, what time is it?
- It's half past 11.
- Phew, you smell.
- It's not that bad.
- Was it fun?
- It was pretty quiet.
- Pick it up, will you?
- I don't want to talk to anybody.
- I just want to sit here.
- Hi, Casper. Who?
- Is it Casper?
- He wants to talk to "Tit Man".
Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ.
I can't tell you right now.
- I just can't.
- What was that?
- Casper wanted to discuss the party.
- Why does he call you "Tit Man"?
- I don't know.
- Did you talk about breasts?
No, of course not.
We talked about Car?e's kid.
About bringing it up...
About Susan and their future and the
house they're thinking of buying.
- You didn't talk about my breasts?
- No. You know I'm not that type.
- Then what does it mean?
- I don't know. It's his imagination.
- What is it?
- Where's the bacon?
- We ate it.
- Did we buy more?
No, I guess not.
You know I need bacon when I'm
hung over. Buy 100 packs at a time!
You know I need bacon when I'm
hung over. Buy 100 packs at a time!
- You shop by the ounce.
- Do it yourself, then.
- Perhaps I'll just start doing that.
- That would be wonderful.
- Hi there!
- Nice party yesterday.
He is so cute. The sweetest thing.
- I was so moved. He's lovely.
- In fact, he's not very pretty.
What the hell are you saying?
You can't say he's ugly!
He's fucking ugly! He's got red hair.
He looks like shit.
He shits himself.
Shut up when I'm talking!
That baby is so disgusting!
- Come on, we're going in.
- I'm sorry I freaked out like that.
- Sorry, honey.
- Have you had a little tiff?
Iben's found a great detox diet for
me. But I can't eat wheat, and I did.
And it makes me go a bit...
Check out the baby, man.
It doesn't look one bit like Car?e.
Check it out.
Hi!
- Hi, Frank.
- Look at him. Isn't he beautiful?
- He's got lots of hair.
- Yes, lots of hair. He's so cute.
He's lovely, eh? Getting
a good look, are you, Frank?
- I just wanted to see it properly.
- You can say "him" now.
- So it's a boy? Cool.
- You want to see?
I was looking at the boy, honey.
- It's odd that he's got red hair.
- Babies have that sometimes.
- Why do you have to buy so much?
- I want bacon on Sunday mornings.
What happens when Mia says,
"I want to cook some turkey"?
- She won't. I decide what we eat.
- What if she can't cook it?
I'll do the cooking.
- I'm the butler!
- Lime fruits.
I'll show Mia how to run
the factory called "home".
- Great.
- Biscuits!
I love digestive biscuits.
- How many are you getting?
- 20-25 packs.
- Frank, they'll rot.
- Biscuits don't rot.
- It'll be off my mind for years.
- You'll be eating them constantly.
They'll be on your mind all the time.
Come here! Come here.
It's my upstairs neighbour.
I don't want to talk to him.
He invited me up last Friday.
- And I didn't turn up.
- Never mind about that. Come on!
- No, Casper. He's so...
- What the hell are you scared of?
- All right, then. You carry it out.
- Forget it. Did you quarrel?
I just don't want to talk
to my neighbours.
Are you and Iben coming to dinner
Saturday? Sample my cooking?
Hi, Frank.
I'm Frank's neighbour.
I'm Frank's buddy.
- How are things? Working hard?
- Not particularly.
- Since you didn't turn up Friday..?
- I couldn't make it.
Really? I could hear you walking
around downstairs, whistling...
We'll find another day. I just bought
some wine. How about Friday?
- I'm really busy all the time.
- Okay?
We talked about the importance
of being a good neighbour...
- Frankly...
- What about Thursday? Or Saturday?
What was your name again? Frankly,
Peter... Don't take it personally.
But I don't want to be friends
with my neighbours.
I don't know you.
I don't know what we'd talk about.
You choose your friends. Neighbours
you get. We have nothing in common.
You choose your friends. Neighbours
you get. We have nothing in common.
- I hope there are no hard feelings.
- Fine.
- Have a nice day.
- Bye.
- Was he pissed off?
- A bit.
This is going to be great, honey.
- Are my breasts too small?
- No, of course they're not.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. They're lovely.
- Would you like them to be bigger?
- No, they have the perfect size.
They're super. Pass me the biscuits,
please. Your breasts are lovely.
They're big enough for our purposes.
- I could get a breast enlargement.
- You want to?
- Like this, maybe.
- Fine. Biscuits.
You do think they're too small.
- Why do you think so?
- I just do, Frank.
Because you were staring
at Susan's enormous breasts.
- Listen. Susan's breasts...
- Maybe big breasts turn you on.
Let me see those breasts.
They are super-duper!
I want to sound them like a trumpet!
Frozen goods. There's...
The freezer is full.
We're up against time here.
In five minutes everything is
spoiled. I'll be right back, honey.
Hi there. I'm in a stupid situation.
I've run out of room in my freezer.
- Do you have any spare room?
- No, I'm sorry.
The freezer is quite full. I'm sorry,
I'd love to help you out.
It's Frank from downstairs.
Hi. I'd like to apologise.
I'm sorry. I thought
about the things I said.
- It was a load of rubbish.
- Okay. I'm glad you can see that.
We're neighbours and should be on
friendly terms and help each other.
Our lives affect each other. If I
have a problem, then so do you.
And vice versa. If I fart,
your window bangs.
Neighbourliness is powerful.
We need one another.
It's nice to know
there's someone who can help...
- I've run out of freezer room.
- No problem. Come on in.
- This is just great.
- But of course. We help each other.
It doesn't mean we'll be spooning.
We just help each other.
- It's thawing...
- You can watch the plasma screen.
Help yourself to some milk, use the
fridge. The freezer is over here.
Don't touch the top drawer. The
second and third you are free to use.
Here's my spare key. I'll just get
yours tomorrow or the day after.
So if I lock myself out, you have
a spare key. It's a great help.
- I don't have a spare key.
- Just get one made.
Thanks! That was a huge help.
Nice pad you've got here.
Right, I'll see you!
- How about a glass of wine?
- See you around. Bye!
How many rolls are there?
That's 12 times 12.
- 144.
- It's daft, Frank.
It means I don't have to shop
for five or six months.
You know what it says about you?
The signal it sends to people?
"Hi. I've got diarrhea big time."
"I crap endlessly."
That's the signal you're sending.
It's worse buying one roll.
That says: "I have to crap now."
True. Especially if you buy a
drinking yoghurt at the same time.
I think it's really crazy
that Susan's baby has red hair.
That is so weird.
Do you know something?
- Come on.
- You know something.
- You know something!
- Of course I do, Frank.
But don't tell anyone. This time...
Just don't tell anyone. Promise?
- I won't say anything.
- Susan has fucked around.
- The dates fit.
- Has Susan fucked around?
- Yup.
- Sanctimonious Susan?
- Iben heard at Denmark's Radio.
- Who did she screw?
- I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- We're not finished shopping.
- No fucking way am I going in there!
I'm not going in there again, Frank!
- Did you eat wheat?
- Yes, dammit.
- Are Susan and Car?e happy?
- I think so.
- Why?
- The baby doesn't look like Car?e.
Car?e's half gypsy.
There's no gypsy in that baby.
- Why don't you just ask him tonight?
- Car?e's coming tonight?
With Susan?
But Casper and Iben are coming.
- That is a new situation, food-wise.
- But you've been bulk-buying.
Meat, meat, meat...
Meat. I must have some
in Heldgaard's freezer.
Hello?
Let's see. Cabbage, corn, chips,
more chips...
More cabbage... fuck.
Great. Yes!
"Dear..."
I've borrowed some meat.
Your neighbour, Frank.
Honey, look what I've borrowed!
- We're out here, Christensen!
- So this is the butler at work.
We're serving Butler's Stew.
- Mushrooms, cream sauce and fillet.
- You can count me out then, Frank.
- Why?
- It's not just wheat. It's meat too.
It makes me freak out completely.
But boy, could I eat a sausage.
- Have you found out more?
- About what?
About Susan's screwing around.
You have to shut up about this...
Shut up about it, right?
It's one hell of a story.
It's Reimer Bo. Reimer Bo!
Mr. News himself.
She's screwed Reimer Bo?
Hell, yes. You can tell. Looking at
that baby is like watching the news!
- It's disgusting.
- And she's such a goody-goody.
- Zip it up.
- He'll bring it up in the news.
- Good evening. Welcome.
- Thanks. Great to see you.
- What are we having?
- "Butler's stew".
- What are we having?
- "Butler's stew".
- Susan...
- Hi.
Check it out.
Frank, cut it out. You keep
staring at my wife's breasts!
- I was looking at the baby.
- Are you Tit Man nonstop?
- It was the same with the stripper.
- Excuse me. The what? The stripper?
There was a stripper at our party.
It was Frank's great idea.
Why are you staring
at Susan's breasts?
- Because Casper said that...
- What did Casper say?
- Yes, what did you say, Casper?
- Okay, listen. I said... I said...
Fuck it. We hired a stripper to
please Car?e, but Car?e hated it.
I thought we'd stopped doing that.
It's true. But Frank hired her.
- Who cares, anyway?
- You think my breasts are too small.
I wanted one with small breasts, but
the one that came had a huge udder.
- Why are you lying to my face?
- Because... Because...
We always have strippers.
It was my turn.
I didn't like it. You and I, Michael,
we weren't happy. Isn't that right?
It's true. It was disgusting.
- That is so disgusting, Frank.
- I think so too.
Food? Let's sit down and enjoy
a wonderful Butler's Stew.
- Isn't it good, honey?
- It's delicious.
- It takes time, but...
- He had three helpings.
Frank, when my diet is over,
promise you'll cook it for me.
Here's the stripper!
Frank, where is this meat?
- Well, I borrowed it for a stew...
- You didn't eat it!
I'm in medical research
and I use it for experiments.
Experiments with what? Marinade?
No. You've been eating
an old man from Hvidovre.
- What?
- That's human flesh in your mouth.
Oh no...
Stop eating!
Mia, spit out that piece of meat!
- Relax. What's going on?
- Stop it, Car?e. It's human flesh!
I'm Peter. I'm a researcher. I kept
some human flesh in my freezer.
I used it for experiments, and I told
Frank not to touch the top drawer.
I guess we
misunderstood each other.
Don't be afraid,
it's not dangerous.
- I need to use the toilet.
- Don't you write it on the bags?
No, I didn't think anyone... I told
you not to touch the top drawer.
Yes, but you've put me in a
predicament here. I'm the host.
- I didn't eat any, just so you know.
- Well done, Casper.
- I didn't touch it.
- Lucky for you.
I'm on a diet.
Why don't you buy
enough food, Frank?
Erik Petersen. Died Thursday.
Born 1914. Might be him.
---
THE BUTLER
based on true events
- A toast for Car?e's baby!
- Cheers!
Oh boy.
Oh dear.
Oh boy, Michelle. I say...
What happened?
I must have passed out.
- World class!
- Thank you, Michelle.
Stop it. I've got to pay the girl.
Where are her clothes?
Cheers. Thank you.
1000 kroner for you. That was great.
I truly think we've paid
homage to the female body.
Friends. A few words.
Car?e, congratulations.
A new little baby
whose name will also be Car?e...
- Congratulations. A baby is born.
- It's so beautiful.
Abracadabra.
We saw nothing.
Two rules.
One: There was no stripper.
- Two: There was no stripper.
- And she didn't have big tits.
We don't want any trouble, Frank.
Cheers!
My glasses are full of butterfat.
Did you like the stripper, Car?e?
I think it's... It's fantastic how
many things a woman's body can do.
- Car?e's drunk.
- Don't be disgusting.
We're celebrating your newborn
child, and you're just plain gross.
Why did you pick one
with such enormous breasts?
- Everybody likes big breasts.
- They were remarkably big.
- I want my money's worth.
- You're a tit man!
- Tit man!
- Admit it. You're a tit man.
- In fact, I'm not crazy about tits.
- Who was pulling at those tits?
- Frank was.
- Tit man! Tit man!
- Honey, what time is it?
- It's half past 11.
- Phew, you smell.
- It's not that bad.
- Was it fun?
- It was pretty quiet.
- Pick it up, will you?
- I don't want to talk to anybody.
- I just want to sit here.
- Hi, Casper. Who?
- Is it Casper?
- He wants to talk to "Tit Man".
Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ.
I can't tell you right now.
- I just can't.
- What was that?
- Casper wanted to discuss the party.
- Why does he call you "Tit Man"?
- I don't know.
- Did you talk about breasts?
No, of course not.
We talked about Car?e's kid.
About bringing it up...
About Susan and their future and the
house they're thinking of buying.
- You didn't talk about my breasts?
- No. You know I'm not that type.
- Then what does it mean?
- I don't know. It's his imagination.
- What is it?
- Where's the bacon?
- We ate it.
- Did we buy more?
No, I guess not.
You know I need bacon when I'm
hung over. Buy 100 packs at a time!
You know I need bacon when I'm
hung over. Buy 100 packs at a time!
- You shop by the ounce.
- Do it yourself, then.
- Perhaps I'll just start doing that.
- That would be wonderful.
- Hi there!
- Nice party yesterday.
He is so cute. The sweetest thing.
- I was so moved. He's lovely.
- In fact, he's not very pretty.
What the hell are you saying?
You can't say he's ugly!
He's fucking ugly! He's got red hair.
He looks like shit.
He shits himself.
Shut up when I'm talking!
That baby is so disgusting!
- Come on, we're going in.
- I'm sorry I freaked out like that.
- Sorry, honey.
- Have you had a little tiff?
Iben's found a great detox diet for
me. But I can't eat wheat, and I did.
And it makes me go a bit...
Check out the baby, man.
It doesn't look one bit like Car?e.
Check it out.
Hi!
- Hi, Frank.
- Look at him. Isn't he beautiful?
- He's got lots of hair.
- Yes, lots of hair. He's so cute.
He's lovely, eh? Getting
a good look, are you, Frank?
- I just wanted to see it properly.
- You can say "him" now.
- So it's a boy? Cool.
- You want to see?
I was looking at the boy, honey.
- It's odd that he's got red hair.
- Babies have that sometimes.
- Why do you have to buy so much?
- I want bacon on Sunday mornings.
What happens when Mia says,
"I want to cook some turkey"?
- She won't. I decide what we eat.
- What if she can't cook it?
I'll do the cooking.
- I'm the butler!
- Lime fruits.
I'll show Mia how to run
the factory called "home".
- Great.
- Biscuits!
I love digestive biscuits.
- How many are you getting?
- 20-25 packs.
- Frank, they'll rot.
- Biscuits don't rot.
- It'll be off my mind for years.
- You'll be eating them constantly.
They'll be on your mind all the time.
Come here! Come here.
It's my upstairs neighbour.
I don't want to talk to him.
He invited me up last Friday.
- And I didn't turn up.
- Never mind about that. Come on!
- No, Casper. He's so...
- What the hell are you scared of?
- All right, then. You carry it out.
- Forget it. Did you quarrel?
I just don't want to talk
to my neighbours.
Are you and Iben coming to dinner
Saturday? Sample my cooking?
Hi, Frank.
I'm Frank's neighbour.
I'm Frank's buddy.
- How are things? Working hard?
- Not particularly.
- Since you didn't turn up Friday..?
- I couldn't make it.
Really? I could hear you walking
around downstairs, whistling...
We'll find another day. I just bought
some wine. How about Friday?
- I'm really busy all the time.
- Okay?
We talked about the importance
of being a good neighbour...
- Frankly...
- What about Thursday? Or Saturday?
What was your name again? Frankly,
Peter... Don't take it personally.
But I don't want to be friends
with my neighbours.
I don't know you.
I don't know what we'd talk about.
You choose your friends. Neighbours
you get. We have nothing in common.
You choose your friends. Neighbours
you get. We have nothing in common.
- I hope there are no hard feelings.
- Fine.
- Have a nice day.
- Bye.
- Was he pissed off?
- A bit.
This is going to be great, honey.
- Are my breasts too small?
- No, of course they're not.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. They're lovely.
- Would you like them to be bigger?
- No, they have the perfect size.
They're super. Pass me the biscuits,
please. Your breasts are lovely.
They're big enough for our purposes.
- I could get a breast enlargement.
- You want to?
- Like this, maybe.
- Fine. Biscuits.
You do think they're too small.
- Why do you think so?
- I just do, Frank.
Because you were staring
at Susan's enormous breasts.
- Listen. Susan's breasts...
- Maybe big breasts turn you on.
Let me see those breasts.
They are super-duper!
I want to sound them like a trumpet!
Frozen goods. There's...
The freezer is full.
We're up against time here.
In five minutes everything is
spoiled. I'll be right back, honey.
Hi there. I'm in a stupid situation.
I've run out of room in my freezer.
- Do you have any spare room?
- No, I'm sorry.
The freezer is quite full. I'm sorry,
I'd love to help you out.
It's Frank from downstairs.
Hi. I'd like to apologise.
I'm sorry. I thought
about the things I said.
- It was a load of rubbish.
- Okay. I'm glad you can see that.
We're neighbours and should be on
friendly terms and help each other.
Our lives affect each other. If I
have a problem, then so do you.
And vice versa. If I fart,
your window bangs.
Neighbourliness is powerful.
We need one another.
It's nice to know
there's someone who can help...
- I've run out of freezer room.
- No problem. Come on in.
- This is just great.
- But of course. We help each other.
It doesn't mean we'll be spooning.
We just help each other.
- It's thawing...
- You can watch the plasma screen.
Help yourself to some milk, use the
fridge. The freezer is over here.
Don't touch the top drawer. The
second and third you are free to use.
Here's my spare key. I'll just get
yours tomorrow or the day after.
So if I lock myself out, you have
a spare key. It's a great help.
- I don't have a spare key.
- Just get one made.
Thanks! That was a huge help.
Nice pad you've got here.
Right, I'll see you!
- How about a glass of wine?
- See you around. Bye!
How many rolls are there?
That's 12 times 12.
- 144.
- It's daft, Frank.
It means I don't have to shop
for five or six months.
You know what it says about you?
The signal it sends to people?
"Hi. I've got diarrhea big time."
"I crap endlessly."
That's the signal you're sending.
It's worse buying one roll.
That says: "I have to crap now."
True. Especially if you buy a
drinking yoghurt at the same time.
I think it's really crazy
that Susan's baby has red hair.
That is so weird.
Do you know something?
- Come on.
- You know something.
- You know something!
- Of course I do, Frank.
But don't tell anyone. This time...
Just don't tell anyone. Promise?
- I won't say anything.
- Susan has fucked around.
- The dates fit.
- Has Susan fucked around?
- Yup.
- Sanctimonious Susan?
- Iben heard at Denmark's Radio.
- Who did she screw?
- I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- We're not finished shopping.
- No fucking way am I going in there!
I'm not going in there again, Frank!
- Did you eat wheat?
- Yes, dammit.
- Are Susan and Car?e happy?
- I think so.
- Why?
- The baby doesn't look like Car?e.
Car?e's half gypsy.
There's no gypsy in that baby.
- Why don't you just ask him tonight?
- Car?e's coming tonight?
With Susan?
But Casper and Iben are coming.
- That is a new situation, food-wise.
- But you've been bulk-buying.
Meat, meat, meat...
Meat. I must have some
in Heldgaard's freezer.
Hello?
Let's see. Cabbage, corn, chips,
more chips...
More cabbage... fuck.
Great. Yes!
"Dear..."
I've borrowed some meat.
Your neighbour, Frank.
Honey, look what I've borrowed!
- We're out here, Christensen!
- So this is the butler at work.
We're serving Butler's Stew.
- Mushrooms, cream sauce and fillet.
- You can count me out then, Frank.
- Why?
- It's not just wheat. It's meat too.
It makes me freak out completely.
But boy, could I eat a sausage.
- Have you found out more?
- About what?
About Susan's screwing around.
You have to shut up about this...
Shut up about it, right?
It's one hell of a story.
It's Reimer Bo. Reimer Bo!
Mr. News himself.
She's screwed Reimer Bo?
Hell, yes. You can tell. Looking at
that baby is like watching the news!
- It's disgusting.
- And she's such a goody-goody.
- Zip it up.
- He'll bring it up in the news.
- Good evening. Welcome.
- Thanks. Great to see you.
- What are we having?
- "Butler's stew".
- What are we having?
- "Butler's stew".
- Susan...
- Hi.
Check it out.
Frank, cut it out. You keep
staring at my wife's breasts!
- I was looking at the baby.
- Are you Tit Man nonstop?
- It was the same with the stripper.
- Excuse me. The what? The stripper?
There was a stripper at our party.
It was Frank's great idea.
Why are you staring
at Susan's breasts?
- Because Casper said that...
- What did Casper say?
- Yes, what did you say, Casper?
- Okay, listen. I said... I said...
Fuck it. We hired a stripper to
please Car?e, but Car?e hated it.
I thought we'd stopped doing that.
It's true. But Frank hired her.
- Who cares, anyway?
- You think my breasts are too small.
I wanted one with small breasts, but
the one that came had a huge udder.
- Why are you lying to my face?
- Because... Because...
We always have strippers.
It was my turn.
I didn't like it. You and I, Michael,
we weren't happy. Isn't that right?
It's true. It was disgusting.
- That is so disgusting, Frank.
- I think so too.
Food? Let's sit down and enjoy
a wonderful Butler's Stew.
- Isn't it good, honey?
- It's delicious.
- It takes time, but...
- He had three helpings.
Frank, when my diet is over,
promise you'll cook it for me.
Here's the stripper!
Frank, where is this meat?
- Well, I borrowed it for a stew...
- You didn't eat it!
I'm in medical research
and I use it for experiments.
Experiments with what? Marinade?
No. You've been eating
an old man from Hvidovre.
- What?
- That's human flesh in your mouth.
Oh no...
Stop eating!
Mia, spit out that piece of meat!
- Relax. What's going on?
- Stop it, Car?e. It's human flesh!
I'm Peter. I'm a researcher. I kept
some human flesh in my freezer.
I used it for experiments, and I told
Frank not to touch the top drawer.
I guess we
misunderstood each other.
Don't be afraid,
it's not dangerous.
- I need to use the toilet.
- Don't you write it on the bags?
No, I didn't think anyone... I told
you not to touch the top drawer.
Yes, but you've put me in a
predicament here. I'm the host.
- I didn't eat any, just so you know.
- Well done, Casper.
- I didn't touch it.
- Lucky for you.
I'm on a diet.
Why don't you buy
enough food, Frank?
Erik Petersen. Died Thursday.
Born 1914. Might be him.