Klovn (2005–2021): Season 1, Episode 2 - De nye danskere - full transcript
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---
THE NEW DANES
Based on true events
Darling? Want to help collect money
for the Red Cross this Sunday?
No, no, no... I've just
ruined another pair of socks.
Look! Amazing how much damage
such a small nail can do.
Six million people die every year
because of polluted water.
Alright...
The money from our neighbourhood
goes to the Darfur province in Sudan.
Darfur? It sounds like a cake.
"Petit Darfur"...
It's grotesque that an area
with so much hunger and misery -
- sounds like a yummy, little cake.
"Petit Darfur".
Do you want to help?
- That's great.
- Amazing with that nail.
Maybe a little elf
keeps pushing it up.
- I think we'll do Frederiksberg.
- Alright! Whatever you say.
- Hi, Claire.
- Hi, Frank. How are you?
- Is that the neighbour's music?
- I don't know.
- Hi, Christensen.
- Hi, Frank.
- Is that our neighbour I can hear?
- I don't know.
I've just spoken to Jarl.
He's got a great idea.
He wants to make the TV series
"Matador" into an animated feature.
- No...
- Yes. It's true.
- That's just stupid. It's been done.
- Yes, but a long time ago.
Today, with computer animation,
anything's possible.
- You can animate whatever you want.
- Madam M?hge on the Internet...
There's stuff in "Matador"
that you've never seen.
The senior teacher who dies on
the balcony. Someone passes below...
- The bedouin horn is driving me mad.
- I'll tell Jarl that we're in.
- Hi. I'm Frank.
- Hi. Ataf.
We're having a meeting next door.
Could you turn off the music, please?
- No. Don't you like it?
- As a matter of fact, no.
Okay. Do you have something
against ethnic music or..?
It's rather long.
The songs are always very long.
- A good pop song is three minutes.
- You've obviously thought about it.
- You're not going to turn it off?
- Definitely not.
I've spoken to Jarl.
He was really grateful.
I think we should dedicate
four Mondays to this.
Then we've really done
something to help Jarl.
- Hi there.
- Hi, darling.
- Hi. Bente.
- Frank.
- Thanks for helping on Sunday.
- Mia said Africa really needs it.
- Thanks for helping on Sunday.
- Mia said Africa really needs it.
- Africa needs money more than ever.
- Well, don't we all?
This is serious, you know.
- We're talking famine and AIDS...
- AIDS is a killer.
If you can't give this
your full support, then don't do it.
- Okay.
- Do you want to..?
- Have a coffee. It's two kroner.
- Thanks.
- What are you doing?
- That's not good.
The flask was empty,
but I'd already put two kroner in.
Okay.
Take your two kroner
and put it back.
Oh, what the heck... I'll donate
two kroner to the Red Cross.
- We're done for now, yeah?
- Yes, we are.
See you on Sunday.
Fine.
- Bye.
- Bye. I'll call you.
What are you thinking?
Let's get some ideas on the table.
Korsb?k..?
We can draw it any way we want.
- And what about the time period?
- It could be set in 2012.
Imagine Buster lying in the road
and then rising as the pig dealer.
Like they did in "Terminator"...
That could be fun.
And we've got Mr. Schwann
and the Ladies' Store.
- Who the hell can do Mr. Schwann?
- I'm thinking Uffe Buchardt.
Who's this?
- I'm not sure. Robert de Niro?
- No, no.
Or Ole Stephensen?
I think we need to get some Wolf
into the Varn?s character.
It's cool. It's supercool.
Let's have a quick recap.
What about coffee?
"Matador", the animated version.
Set in the future.
- We need someone to read it.
- Where are you from? London?
- Yes. Have you been there?
- Oh, yes. Lots of times.
We need Ib Tardini from Zentropa
and Bo Ehrhardt from Nimbus Film.
Iben is going to read it.
And you and me, of course.
- Iben is definitely in?
- Oh yes. She loves it.
- She's one hundred percent?
- Yes. I said it was important.
- Can you hear Arab folk music?
- No.
Hush, Casper!
Yes, they're playing music.
- Frank, listen. Boldt. The waiter.
- I'll take notes.
- Five new things that Boldt has got.
- Great idea. Let's hear.
- You want me to come up with them?
- Yeah. Just three things, then.
One...
I can't concentrate
because of that music.
I just can't. It's driving me mad.
I'll go and ask them to turn it off.
- Where is the music coming from?
- From the street, I think.
It's that BMW. They've got
the stereo on, and two open doors.
I have to deal with it.
I'll be back in a sec.
- But we're meeting Tardini.
- Arab music and Korsb?k is just...
There's someone inside your car!
- Open the door!
- I just wanted to turn it down.
If you don't come out right now
I'll smash your face!
I've got the spare key here.
Get out of my fucking car!
No, no, no...
Damn it, Frank!
- Bring back my car!
- I was trying to turn it down.
If you don't bring it back now
I'll fucking kill you!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
I screwed up big time.
I stole a car.
- You stole a car?
- Hi.
- I guess we're done here...
- Yes, we are.
- I didn't actually steal it...
- I'll find my own way out.
- Bye, bye.
- Bye!
- What did you do?
- I wanted to turn down the stereo.
The owners came running
and started threatening me.
Honestly..!
- That could be them.
- Stop it.
If one immigrant has spotted me,
they get their whole network going!
Frank, where the hell are you?
I'm sitting here with Jarl.
Why aren't you answering
your cell phone? Call me!
My cell phone...
- What about it?
- I left it in the car.
- I'm hungry.
- I couldn't eat anything right now.
- There it is!
- Is that the one?
- Is it the immigrants?
- Yes. They're here.
Don't stop. Keep going!
- Go and talk to them.
- Hell no!
- They look nice.
- Yes, but they're not. Go!
Alright, alright...
Why didn't you go and talk to them?
- I've already tried.
- God, you look stupid like that.
Hi, Claire. It's Frank.
Could you do me a favour?
Could you set up a meeting
with our Import-Export neighbour?
No, not at the office.
At Caf? Endestationen.
I might be able to help you.
I know some of the guys.
- That would be super.
- But then you owe me one, right?
- You're my man.
- I'd like to appear in a movie.
I've got dreams
of becoming an actor.
The only thing we've got right now
is a Jarl Friis-Mikkelsen project.
The dumbest thing ever. He wants to
do "Matador", the animated version.
That sounds cool.
Hook it up, and we've got a deal.
Yes, but "Matador" doesn't have
any... ethnic characters.
In that case I'll have
to tell them where you live.
We can't have the
Import-Export guy sitting in.
He wants to join in.
Ataf wants to be an actor.
What the hell would he be doing?
Korsb?k didn't have any immigrants.
- Is it really that important?
- I'm in the shit.
Can you vouch for him?
Have you heard him?
- No.
- You've never heard him act?
- But he needs to save my butt.
- Yes, and I'd like to help.
- Does he speak Danish at all?
- Yes.
- Hi. How did it go?
- Excellent.
I think I'll go over to the
Immigrant's Centre and get my phone.
Hello? Hi...
- What's up?
- Well... here I am.
I understand that Ataf
has talked to you, and...
- It's cool. What were you thinking?
- I wasn't thinking at all.
You totally panicked. You can't
just start a car and drive off.
I'm sorry.
- Ataf said you had my cell phone.
- Yes. It's right there.
Please step back and take
your shoes off. It's Arab custom.
- Never enter with your shoes on.
- I'd like to keep them on.
You have to respect Arab culture.
You can't just diss it.
Okay.
Holes in your socks?
Where's your style?
We've got a nail at home
that keeps tearing them.
- My cell phone..?
- It's here. There you are.
- Thank you very much.
- It's just the parking ticket, then.
You parked in the wrong place.
I got a parking ticket. 510 kroner.
I want the money right now.
I guess I'll have to pay that.
So there's no bad feelings.
I don't have any money on me.
I'll go find a machine and come back.
I want the money right now.
End of story.
Of course. You shouldn't
get stuck with a ticket.
Reza...
I want the money now.
Come closer.
You stole my car. I want the
510 kroner for the parking ticket.
Does anyone have a knife?
Please keep the hole really tiny.
- I hope we won't meet again.
- Me too.
And don't forget
to change your socks!
H i, Frank.
- Mia tells me you did well.
- What's that?
I'll take that. See you.
I owed them a parking ticket. They
threatened me and took the money.
- Were they after you?
- After me? I could have died!
Really?
Hi, Casper!
Hi, Frank. How's it going?
Ataf. What's happening, Jarl?
"The Earl" and all that..!
Yes, well... Have a seat.
- Who the hell is that?
- That's the guy I talked about.
- Doing what?
- Mr. Schwann.
- You can sit there.
- Hi. I'm Ataf.
Welcome, everybody.
Grab a bite.
In front of you is the first version
of "Matador: The Cartoon".
Here are the two moneymen...
Ib Tardini and Bo Ehrhardt.
Let's give out the roles.
Iben, who do you think you are?
- Ingeborg!
- Yes, of course.
- Frank is going to be Boldt.
- Yes, those are my orders.
I'll do Mads Skjern.
Then I'm connected to Iben.
- And I'll do Swan.
- "Schwann".
- Schwann...
- Mr. Schwann, yes.
Intro: Korsb?k, early morning.
Fade-in.
A cock crows in the distance.
Church bells are ringing.
Mads is trying on a shirt.
Ingeborg is watching him.
We move into a close-up
of his cufflinks...
Jump cut, cue Ingeborg!
Jump cut, cue Ingeborg!
- You can't wear that, Mads.
- Why not, I wonder?
- We don't have to save all the time.
- No. Just look at Ellen...
- She's young, Mads.
- As if that's an excuse.
Fade to black.
Cut to railway hotel, backlit.
A train whizzes by.
The sound of the train...
Then he comes. Mr. Schwann
goes to his regular table.
Boldt, the waiter, greets him.
Good morning, Schwann.
The bird is chirping today.
Well, you can keep your bird.
Where is Korsb?k Tidings?
Not so loud, Latif. Come again.
Good morning, Schwann.
The bird is chirping today.
You can keep your bird.
Where is Korsb?k Tidings?
"You can keep your bird."
It's one whole sentence.
- Exactly, Iben.
- But nice try, I thought.
Let's try and move on.
- I think Artuf understood.
- Ataf.
Cue Boldt: "Easy now..."
- Easy now. The pig dealer has it.
- The pig dealer? Oh dear!
- That was good.
- It's their very first reading...
- Mr. Schwann to the pig dealer...
- There seems to be a mistake.
- You have got my paper.
- Would you care to swap for a dram?
Well, I never! Spi...
Well, I never!
Spirits at the breakfast table!
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, Colonel Hackel.
Not "Hackel". Are you the only one in
Denmark who hasn't seen "Matador"?
Casper, what..?
- Why don't we just..?
- Why don't we just what?
I can't see those two sitting at
the end of the table now. Can you?
I have to admit I'm disappointed.
Yes, it wasn't...
I think we...
- We went aground with Latif.
- Ataf.
Isn't that the problem?
That's where it went wrong.
Yes, I wasn't too happy
with Schwann.
Or with Colonel Hackel...
- It must be one hell of a pear.
- It's not bad, actually.
---
THE NEW DANES
Based on true events
Darling? Want to help collect money
for the Red Cross this Sunday?
No, no, no... I've just
ruined another pair of socks.
Look! Amazing how much damage
such a small nail can do.
Six million people die every year
because of polluted water.
Alright...
The money from our neighbourhood
goes to the Darfur province in Sudan.
Darfur? It sounds like a cake.
"Petit Darfur"...
It's grotesque that an area
with so much hunger and misery -
- sounds like a yummy, little cake.
"Petit Darfur".
Do you want to help?
- That's great.
- Amazing with that nail.
Maybe a little elf
keeps pushing it up.
- I think we'll do Frederiksberg.
- Alright! Whatever you say.
- Hi, Claire.
- Hi, Frank. How are you?
- Is that the neighbour's music?
- I don't know.
- Hi, Christensen.
- Hi, Frank.
- Is that our neighbour I can hear?
- I don't know.
I've just spoken to Jarl.
He's got a great idea.
He wants to make the TV series
"Matador" into an animated feature.
- No...
- Yes. It's true.
- That's just stupid. It's been done.
- Yes, but a long time ago.
Today, with computer animation,
anything's possible.
- You can animate whatever you want.
- Madam M?hge on the Internet...
There's stuff in "Matador"
that you've never seen.
The senior teacher who dies on
the balcony. Someone passes below...
- The bedouin horn is driving me mad.
- I'll tell Jarl that we're in.
- Hi. I'm Frank.
- Hi. Ataf.
We're having a meeting next door.
Could you turn off the music, please?
- No. Don't you like it?
- As a matter of fact, no.
Okay. Do you have something
against ethnic music or..?
It's rather long.
The songs are always very long.
- A good pop song is three minutes.
- You've obviously thought about it.
- You're not going to turn it off?
- Definitely not.
I've spoken to Jarl.
He was really grateful.
I think we should dedicate
four Mondays to this.
Then we've really done
something to help Jarl.
- Hi there.
- Hi, darling.
- Hi. Bente.
- Frank.
- Thanks for helping on Sunday.
- Mia said Africa really needs it.
- Thanks for helping on Sunday.
- Mia said Africa really needs it.
- Africa needs money more than ever.
- Well, don't we all?
This is serious, you know.
- We're talking famine and AIDS...
- AIDS is a killer.
If you can't give this
your full support, then don't do it.
- Okay.
- Do you want to..?
- Have a coffee. It's two kroner.
- Thanks.
- What are you doing?
- That's not good.
The flask was empty,
but I'd already put two kroner in.
Okay.
Take your two kroner
and put it back.
Oh, what the heck... I'll donate
two kroner to the Red Cross.
- We're done for now, yeah?
- Yes, we are.
See you on Sunday.
Fine.
- Bye.
- Bye. I'll call you.
What are you thinking?
Let's get some ideas on the table.
Korsb?k..?
We can draw it any way we want.
- And what about the time period?
- It could be set in 2012.
Imagine Buster lying in the road
and then rising as the pig dealer.
Like they did in "Terminator"...
That could be fun.
And we've got Mr. Schwann
and the Ladies' Store.
- Who the hell can do Mr. Schwann?
- I'm thinking Uffe Buchardt.
Who's this?
- I'm not sure. Robert de Niro?
- No, no.
Or Ole Stephensen?
I think we need to get some Wolf
into the Varn?s character.
It's cool. It's supercool.
Let's have a quick recap.
What about coffee?
"Matador", the animated version.
Set in the future.
- We need someone to read it.
- Where are you from? London?
- Yes. Have you been there?
- Oh, yes. Lots of times.
We need Ib Tardini from Zentropa
and Bo Ehrhardt from Nimbus Film.
Iben is going to read it.
And you and me, of course.
- Iben is definitely in?
- Oh yes. She loves it.
- She's one hundred percent?
- Yes. I said it was important.
- Can you hear Arab folk music?
- No.
Hush, Casper!
Yes, they're playing music.
- Frank, listen. Boldt. The waiter.
- I'll take notes.
- Five new things that Boldt has got.
- Great idea. Let's hear.
- You want me to come up with them?
- Yeah. Just three things, then.
One...
I can't concentrate
because of that music.
I just can't. It's driving me mad.
I'll go and ask them to turn it off.
- Where is the music coming from?
- From the street, I think.
It's that BMW. They've got
the stereo on, and two open doors.
I have to deal with it.
I'll be back in a sec.
- But we're meeting Tardini.
- Arab music and Korsb?k is just...
There's someone inside your car!
- Open the door!
- I just wanted to turn it down.
If you don't come out right now
I'll smash your face!
I've got the spare key here.
Get out of my fucking car!
No, no, no...
Damn it, Frank!
- Bring back my car!
- I was trying to turn it down.
If you don't bring it back now
I'll fucking kill you!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
I screwed up big time.
I stole a car.
- You stole a car?
- Hi.
- I guess we're done here...
- Yes, we are.
- I didn't actually steal it...
- I'll find my own way out.
- Bye, bye.
- Bye!
- What did you do?
- I wanted to turn down the stereo.
The owners came running
and started threatening me.
Honestly..!
- That could be them.
- Stop it.
If one immigrant has spotted me,
they get their whole network going!
Frank, where the hell are you?
I'm sitting here with Jarl.
Why aren't you answering
your cell phone? Call me!
My cell phone...
- What about it?
- I left it in the car.
- I'm hungry.
- I couldn't eat anything right now.
- There it is!
- Is that the one?
- Is it the immigrants?
- Yes. They're here.
Don't stop. Keep going!
- Go and talk to them.
- Hell no!
- They look nice.
- Yes, but they're not. Go!
Alright, alright...
Why didn't you go and talk to them?
- I've already tried.
- God, you look stupid like that.
Hi, Claire. It's Frank.
Could you do me a favour?
Could you set up a meeting
with our Import-Export neighbour?
No, not at the office.
At Caf? Endestationen.
I might be able to help you.
I know some of the guys.
- That would be super.
- But then you owe me one, right?
- You're my man.
- I'd like to appear in a movie.
I've got dreams
of becoming an actor.
The only thing we've got right now
is a Jarl Friis-Mikkelsen project.
The dumbest thing ever. He wants to
do "Matador", the animated version.
That sounds cool.
Hook it up, and we've got a deal.
Yes, but "Matador" doesn't have
any... ethnic characters.
In that case I'll have
to tell them where you live.
We can't have the
Import-Export guy sitting in.
He wants to join in.
Ataf wants to be an actor.
What the hell would he be doing?
Korsb?k didn't have any immigrants.
- Is it really that important?
- I'm in the shit.
Can you vouch for him?
Have you heard him?
- No.
- You've never heard him act?
- But he needs to save my butt.
- Yes, and I'd like to help.
- Does he speak Danish at all?
- Yes.
- Hi. How did it go?
- Excellent.
I think I'll go over to the
Immigrant's Centre and get my phone.
Hello? Hi...
- What's up?
- Well... here I am.
I understand that Ataf
has talked to you, and...
- It's cool. What were you thinking?
- I wasn't thinking at all.
You totally panicked. You can't
just start a car and drive off.
I'm sorry.
- Ataf said you had my cell phone.
- Yes. It's right there.
Please step back and take
your shoes off. It's Arab custom.
- Never enter with your shoes on.
- I'd like to keep them on.
You have to respect Arab culture.
You can't just diss it.
Okay.
Holes in your socks?
Where's your style?
We've got a nail at home
that keeps tearing them.
- My cell phone..?
- It's here. There you are.
- Thank you very much.
- It's just the parking ticket, then.
You parked in the wrong place.
I got a parking ticket. 510 kroner.
I want the money right now.
I guess I'll have to pay that.
So there's no bad feelings.
I don't have any money on me.
I'll go find a machine and come back.
I want the money right now.
End of story.
Of course. You shouldn't
get stuck with a ticket.
Reza...
I want the money now.
Come closer.
You stole my car. I want the
510 kroner for the parking ticket.
Does anyone have a knife?
Please keep the hole really tiny.
- I hope we won't meet again.
- Me too.
And don't forget
to change your socks!
H i, Frank.
- Mia tells me you did well.
- What's that?
I'll take that. See you.
I owed them a parking ticket. They
threatened me and took the money.
- Were they after you?
- After me? I could have died!
Really?
Hi, Casper!
Hi, Frank. How's it going?
Ataf. What's happening, Jarl?
"The Earl" and all that..!
Yes, well... Have a seat.
- Who the hell is that?
- That's the guy I talked about.
- Doing what?
- Mr. Schwann.
- You can sit there.
- Hi. I'm Ataf.
Welcome, everybody.
Grab a bite.
In front of you is the first version
of "Matador: The Cartoon".
Here are the two moneymen...
Ib Tardini and Bo Ehrhardt.
Let's give out the roles.
Iben, who do you think you are?
- Ingeborg!
- Yes, of course.
- Frank is going to be Boldt.
- Yes, those are my orders.
I'll do Mads Skjern.
Then I'm connected to Iben.
- And I'll do Swan.
- "Schwann".
- Schwann...
- Mr. Schwann, yes.
Intro: Korsb?k, early morning.
Fade-in.
A cock crows in the distance.
Church bells are ringing.
Mads is trying on a shirt.
Ingeborg is watching him.
We move into a close-up
of his cufflinks...
Jump cut, cue Ingeborg!
Jump cut, cue Ingeborg!
- You can't wear that, Mads.
- Why not, I wonder?
- We don't have to save all the time.
- No. Just look at Ellen...
- She's young, Mads.
- As if that's an excuse.
Fade to black.
Cut to railway hotel, backlit.
A train whizzes by.
The sound of the train...
Then he comes. Mr. Schwann
goes to his regular table.
Boldt, the waiter, greets him.
Good morning, Schwann.
The bird is chirping today.
Well, you can keep your bird.
Where is Korsb?k Tidings?
Not so loud, Latif. Come again.
Good morning, Schwann.
The bird is chirping today.
You can keep your bird.
Where is Korsb?k Tidings?
"You can keep your bird."
It's one whole sentence.
- Exactly, Iben.
- But nice try, I thought.
Let's try and move on.
- I think Artuf understood.
- Ataf.
Cue Boldt: "Easy now..."
- Easy now. The pig dealer has it.
- The pig dealer? Oh dear!
- That was good.
- It's their very first reading...
- Mr. Schwann to the pig dealer...
- There seems to be a mistake.
- You have got my paper.
- Would you care to swap for a dram?
Well, I never! Spi...
Well, I never!
Spirits at the breakfast table!
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, Colonel Hackel.
Not "Hackel". Are you the only one in
Denmark who hasn't seen "Matador"?
Casper, what..?
- Why don't we just..?
- Why don't we just what?
I can't see those two sitting at
the end of the table now. Can you?
I have to admit I'm disappointed.
Yes, it wasn't...
I think we...
- We went aground with Latif.
- Ataf.
Isn't that the problem?
That's where it went wrong.
Yes, I wasn't too happy
with Schwann.
Or with Colonel Hackel...
- It must be one hell of a pear.
- It's not bad, actually.