Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 7 - Let's Do Brunch - full transcript

Of all the delicious
things on life's menu...

nothing, and I mean nothing,
tastes better than forbidden fruit.

We should really stop
and get ready for work.

- Right. Work.
- Yeah.

Chef,you in there?

What? No! What-Yeah!

It's my office. Why,
yes. What do you want?

Uh, I think I left myjacket
in there last night.

Chef.

That's it.

What?



Thank you.

Do you think
Opie heard us?

No. No, no.

My keys were
in the pocket.

- There you go.
- Oh. Thank you.

- You know what I really need?
- Yeah. A pack of smokes.

Oh! Great.

- I also need a, uh- - Double
espresso? Done and done.

- Ha! You're prepared. - Well,
once an Eagle Scout- Right?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, baby.
Okay, baby.

- Have a good day at work.
- You too, boss.

Sometimes,you have no choice
but to break your own rules...

because certain pleasures
are impossible to resist.



Oh, my God!

That's the power
of chocolate.

It's nature's
brown seductress.

- Really?
- Chef Bourdain.

- Mmm.
- Albert of Chocolates by Albert.

Here, try one. They'll melt in
your mouth like a secret wish.

I know. It says
it on your card.

Yeah, I think what he's trying to say is
that he's got desserts covered by me...

Seth, of Ass
Kickings by Seth.

Seth, these
are really good.

It's like I'm being
kissed from the inside.

- Shh.
- Okay, now you're killing me.

Seth,just lighten up. Man's
just trying to make a living.

But, listen, you really shouldn't
park your van in our alley, mate.

Oh, mate. Are you
from jolly old England?

Well, are you, guv'nor?
Chim chim cher-ee?

Oh, that is you. You
know,you have got him down.

You just made a
grievous error, sunshine.

Egad! Are we going
to have a slap fight?

Pistols at dawn? You gonna lock
me in the tower? In manacles? Oh!

- Are you gonna take that, Steven?
- More.

Listen, we never did get to finish
that thing that we were gonna do.

- Namely, each other.
- Yeah, that's off.

- What?
- Well, the " no dating" policy.

- You know,Jack's rule?
- Sod the rules!

Two days ago, you gave me a
Polaroid of your naughty bits.

Yeah. I'm gonna
need that back.

Oh, my God. You
- You're shagging another bloke, aren't you?

- Who is it?
- That's private and deeply personal.

Well, look. There's no
secrets in this kitchen. No.

Hey, Albert left
you these chocolates.

It's Albert! It's
Albert, isn't it? Huh?

Draw your own
conclusions.

That chinless
fudge maker! Oh!

That is a slap
in the face.

I'm sorry. It's stuck
in my head, man. Guv'nor.

- I thought you were pulling these off the menu.
- Oh, the sweetbreads.

Right, right.
The sweetbreads.

No, we're not gonna pull those
off the menu. They're hot.

- They're red hot.
- You sold one.

Last week, I sold none.
So that's 100% increase.

Actually, Chef, it's impossible to
determine what percentage zero is of any-

- Jim, die!
- Jack, this is vanity meat.

Oh. So I guess it's vanity to
want to go down in history...

as the man who
revolutionized cuisine?

I own five restaurants. I'm
about to open up a sixth.

I can't afford to
indulge you anymore.

Oh, so I guess it's indulgent to want to
lead people to a greater understanding?

What happened to bringing peop
- bringing people my genius?

You said I was a prophet.

You know, I blame you for
this. Why can't we move these?

I don't know. Maybe because they're
thymus glands and they're disgusting.

This is haute cuisine.

- Haute cuisine?
- Yeah.

And if you were a decent waitress, you
would actually know how to push them.

Jack, look at 'em. She could
be pitchin' 'em naked...

with a sparkler out her ass,
and they still wouldn't sell.

Really? Well, maybe we should
get a sparkler and find out. Hmm?

He's insane. And it's nice to
finally have someone on my team.

- Well, girls gotta stick up for each other, you know?
- That's what I'm talking about.

- Up top!
- I have pig's blood on my hand.

We'll do it next time.

Wakey, wakey.
Hands off snakey.

- Mom?
- Nice.

Open your eyes.

Wow.!

All this cooking first thing in the
morning. I'm not even alive until noon.

Wow. Look at this.

Good?

- Fantastic.
- I know.

When I had my own place,
we did a kick-ass brunch.

- Mmm. - You know, if
Nolita ever decided to-

- You know how you do brunch?
- Huh?

You take Saturday night's garbage,
you shove it into a frittata...

and you serve it with a melon
that got balled a week ago.

And people pay 30
bucks a plate for it.

That's how you get your
sweetbreads back on the menu.

Okay. What's
in it for you?

I get to be in
charge of something.

- You can be in charge of this.
- Oh.

I'm already in
charge of this.

I want a
challenge. Please?

Okay. But how am I gonna
sell brunch to my crew?

Oh, come on. You'reJack.

You're the big man.
It'll be a piece of cake.

- No!
- Hey, it's not me. It's all Pino.

What? My father can't do
this. I'll go talk to him.

- He'll take your credit cards.
- Really? He said that?

- Don't poke the bear.
- He wants me to get up at 6:00 a. m. to cook eggs?

I don't get up at 6:00 a. m.
I go to bed at 6:00 a. m...

'cause I'm up all night teasin'
and pleasin' Steven style...

unlike our little
chocolaty friend Albert.

Yeah. I see my therapist on Sundays,
man. You do not want me to miss that.

Brunch is
awful, all right?

Babies to your left.
Babies to your right.

And the old people? Oh, my
God. The old people, they-

they claw you with
their spotty hands.

I don't like it when
they die at your sweet 16.

You know what?
I say we strike.

- Yeah!
- Yes.

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking a stand.

We can't let Pino
walk all over us.

Let's bolt, right now.

- Screw this job.
- Yes.!

Stand up to my
father. Whoo-hoo!

Let's not go crazy, okay?
I kind of need this job.

You know what? We all
do, especially you.

So you might as well get used to it,
because I'm putting you in charge.

- No!
- Yes!

- Anybody else want some extra duty?
- Nope.

- Okay.
- Fine, you win. But I am not making muffins!

Muffins are for people that don't have
the 'nads to order a cake for breakfast!

God, we're good together.

- I know. It's crazy, right?
- Yeah.

Like it came so natural. It was like
I felt like I was really in the moment.

- Okay, that's enough talk.
- Okay.

Um, we don't
have any crayons.

Oh!

You know another
word for hell?

- Brunch.
- And bacon.

Bacon.

More bacon.

And a giant booger.

Don't push it! Uncle
Steven is still hungover!

There are two
of you, right?

- Just checking. - You
smell like my step-mom.

- How long do we have to wait?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just can't
find my list.

Um
- I'm just gonna do this from memory.

- It's the Chinese couple.
- Yes.

The quiet homosexuals,
the olderJewish couple...

and the
youngerJewish couple.

Sweetheart, we were
before the homosexuals.

Ramon, what is this? I've seen
cleaner plates on stolen cars!

Yeah, Ramon.

I set 'em up, you
knock 'em down!

See? You and me! Mmm!

We take on the tough
guys- Ramon, my dad-

Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now
cooking for, like, a thousand people.

Right, right, right. So I decided I'm
not gonna let him pay my rent anymore.

That's nice. Uh,
four Benedicts up!

Of course, I'm gonna need to get a
roommate. You know, someone who gets me.

Yeah. Could I actually get
you to get these to table two?

Yes! Right, because you and me
- teammates.

I'm outta here.

Girl crush! "Oh,
Becky, I love you!

Oh, Becky, I idolize you!
Oh, Becky, you're my hero!"

- That is hilarious, T-Smooth. - Yeah.
What did I tell you about the nicknames?

Okay? And I would not be laughing
about sad little crushes if I was you.

What? You're not still
hung up on Tanya, are you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Even though it's
against your " no dating" policy.

Uh, look what he bought
her. What? What's this?

Smooth, let me have that!
Smooth, let me have that!

Give it here.
Give it here. Ah!

Dude, you can't give 'em lingerie
until after you've slept together.

Well, maybe we did.
Okay, we didn't.

These are
nice. Very nice.

No loose underwear in the kitchen,
Ramon. Okay? It's a fire hazard.

- Jack, where are you?
- Huh?

I need backup on the lox. I cannot
believe I am slicing lox for brunch.

- PutJim on it.
- Jim went AWOL.

- What?
- He's with his church group.

He can't go to his church
group during brunch!

Okay, I can't do this anymore. I mean, I
want my sweetbreads, but it's killing my guys.

- All right, take
a breath. - No-

- It's only brunch.
- Becky, I told Jim that God wanted him to make waffles.

- Jack- - No! It's
killing my guys.

- It's a mistake, and it feels wrong!
- Oh.

How does this feel?

- That feels better.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

Put these on.

- Okay, close your eyes.
- What? No. I wanna watch. I wanna watch.

All right, bad boy.

- Should I take my clothes off?
- No, you keep your clothes on.

- I'll take your clothes off.
- Okay.

- Maybe I should take my shirt off.
- No, baby. I'm gonna do it all.

Hmm. You're all
glowing and tousled.

A little rendezvous with
Albert the candy man?

You need to move on.

Wow. You and Becky are a
lot like me and Tanya, huh?

We're just a couple of schmoes. Of course, at
least I didn't lose out to a dork like Albert.

Right. That's it!

Oh, God!

Uh, pancakes for you,
and the fruit and granola.

It was her.

You know, whose breast it came
from isn't really the point.

- Do you have children?
- No.

Oh, that's so sad.
Not even a baby?

No, no, not even a baby.

- And you must already be,
what, at least- - Coffee?

- Does the banana nut muffin have nuts?
- Yes!

- You can't have nuts!
- I can't have nuts!

What would you
like, Mother?

Mother?

I am out!

I have been squirted with breast
milk and served eggs to the undead!

And five, four,
three, two, one!

Brunch is over!
Kitchen is closed.

Yeah!

I feel like we just
rushed a sorority. Whoo!

Okay. Okay, great
brunch today, guys.

I can't wait to see the energy
we bring to dinner tonight.

Oh! Who threw the sock? Come
on. It was all right, wasn't it?

Yeah. I have to say having just been
through it, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

You know, I could
even get used to it.

- What?
- What?

You gave-
Which means you-

What do you know? Shut up!
What do you think you know?

You and Becky-you're sleeping
together, and you're in cahoots!

Shh! There is no cahoots!

She does brunch,
she does you!

- We did brunch 'cause she did you!
- Okay! That's just a theory.

- Not one word.
- You broke my heart.

Not... one... word!

So I lost my
therapy spot...

and, uh, thus, any hope for
reconciliation with my parents.

It's cool though. I guess T-Smooth
is gonna go back on his meds, people.

- Yeah. - T-Smooth? I thought
you didn't like nicknames.

I changed my
mind,Jiminy Lickett.

- Are we good?
- Oh, yeah. I'm good.

I'm a good person.

I'm just standing here as a person of
integrity who does not betray his friends.

Outside, right now.

Okay, so I found us a place.
We'd each have our own room.

There's an exposed brick wall, but if
we want it, you know, we gotta move fast.

We gotta act now.

Oh, that's great. You can read each
other's diaries and have pillow fights.

You should get one of those
see-through shower curtains.

Okay. This ends
right here right now.

Okay, they said they'd hold
it for us until we have to-

- How'd that feel?
- Weird.

- You a little uncomfortable around me now?
- Very.

- You still wanna be my roommate?
- No.

- Yes.!
- I'll be your roommate.

We had an
understanding, all right?

I know! It's
just so hard!

- You gotta keep it together.
- Do I? Or what?

I'll disappoint
who, the lying man?

Seth, listen to me.

I did things, a lot of things, for
reasons that I can't explain to you.

I didn't try to hurt you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I know you can't wrap your
head around that right now...

but one day, one day
it's all gonna hit you.

- Jack.!
- What?

Oh, my God!

- What, are you stupid?
- Look, I am really sorry.

But ever since my injury yesterday,
my depth perception's completely shot.

You mowed down
my pastry guy!

I was pelted with eggs...

in my eye.!

It was insane!

- Hey. You
okay? - Uh-huh.

Remember, not one word.

Okay? Feel better.

Okay, he's good to go.

Jack, you tried to kill Seth
because you're sleeping with Becky?

- What?
- What? I-

I didn't try to kill Seth.
That's crazy. It was an accident.

You saw
- It was an accident. He said I was sleeping with Becky?

He didn't tell me.
Dr. Grossbar told me.

Seth's been going in and
out since surgery on his leg.

- He also says you're wearing his underwear.
- That's really crazy.

Obviously, he's delusional. We
can't believe anything that he says.

Of course I'm not
wearing his underwear.

No, that's demonstrably not true.
Look, I have my own underwear on.

- I got my tighty whities. He wears those tiger prints.
- Jack, give it up.

You traded brunch
for sex? That is low.

I have traded a lot of things
for sex, a lot, but never brunch.

Okay, I didn't do it just for
sex. I did it for my sweetbreads.

And for you
guys. Come on.

Don't we all benefit from working at a
restaurant that serves my sweetbreads?

Hey, Seth is joining
us from the hospital.

Seth, buddy, you're on.

Seth, um, I wanted to send you a
card, but I don't know your last name.

- Nurse, is Seth there?
- He's here.

He's just a little woozy
from the anesthesia.

Okay. Come on. Hit me
with your best shot.

- You're a sellout.
- And a hypocrite.

- You saddled us with brunch.
- Which demeans the restaurant.

- All for your carnal pleasure.
- And you blamed my father, which is my job.

Because you weren't man
enough to tell us the truth.

Okay, okay. Okay, those
are pretty good shots.

And you gave the underwear
I bought for Tanya to Becky!

Seth, buddy, you
are on speakerphone.

I need four more
Vicodin and a fruit cup.

Seth, I don't
wear underwear.

Oh,yeah.!

You know,Jack, I don't mind being
the bad guy when I am the bad guy.

But I wasn't the bad guy.
You were, weren't you?

And now my crew hates me.
So let's forget brunch.

Oh, no. That's our
most profitable meal.

Vive la brunch. You
see? Now I'm the bad guy.

Of course, you're gonna have to find
somebody else to cook your pancakes for you.

- I'm sorry?
- Yes. I'm moving Becky to my new restaurant.

She told me to let the brunch be
her audition, and she got the part.

Really?

So this was all about you
getting your own kitchen again.

- And great sex with a great guy.
- God!

- There's nothing you won't do
to get what you want. - Uh-huh.

Sound like
anyone you know?

Nope.

Cash bonuses,Jack.

The brunch was such a success, I
want everyone to share in its bounty.

You see, now I'm the good guy.
It's very confusing, isn't it?

- And I'm the sellout?
- Yeah. We're all sellouts!

So, how was she?

- Fantastic.
- Shut up! I don't want to hear about it.

Tell me more.

Bonjour, Albert.

It was an
accident! Really!

I
- I didn't even see you there!

Oh, that's good chocolate.
What is that, Tahitian vanilla?

Yeah, it is. Are you
gonna hurt me, or-

- Yes, I am.
- No!

And now I'm gonna finish
your chocolate. Mmm!