Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 6 - Rabbit Test - full transcript

Shameless flirts Steven and Becky bring passion to the job- by rivaling in sizzling seduction, showing skin on pictures and making virgin Jim blush and bulge. Jack hates vegetarians as befits a chef, but sets that aside for carnal contact with Julia, who ends up getting seduced by more meat then his manly sex-machine. Jim fails to refuse signing for a delivery of rabbits- they're live bunnies, and putting them on the chopping-block is beyond the macho men or more then their relationships may be worth.

106 Rabbit Test

Transcript: Abby_e
Synchro: Sixe

Working in a kitchen
is a lot like working in a submarine:

you spend all day,
everyday day

with the same people
in very close quarters.

Sorry I'm late Jack.

Because of this, we maintain an air
of professionalism at all times.

I was at Tanya's place this morning.

Oh let me guess, she wanted you
to help her move furniture.

Let's just say the bed moved.

Because you picked it up and moved it!


It's genius!

When we're at work, there are no men,

there are no women,
there are only chefs.

Boy Jim, my breasts sure
are fascinating aren't they?


No, I wasn't-thong!

I mean-

Is that the first time
you've seen a naked lady there Jim?

No no.

When I-back in Utah,
I had a-a magazine...

until my mom saw it and started crying.

That was an uncomfortable glimpse
behind the curtain wasn't it?

That's so cute.

- Would you like to touch them?
- I'd like to touch them.

Nobody's talking to you.

Hey come on Jim,
I'm serious, they won't bite.

Get in there!

Stop! Oh n-n-no, no no.

I made you a treat for your special day.

- Oh come on
- The nipples are raspberries.

Very nice!

How would you like it if I filled
your underwear with frosting?

Don't answer that.

Who else likes it
when she gets all huffy?

You're already striking out with Tanya.

Focus your failure
on one woman at a time.

Hey guys, you know the rule
againts co-workers dating.

Well then maybe you should tell that
to Cameron and a certain dishwasher.

We're just talking.

Wait! Are you serious? Or is that
something you just say like "I love you"

or "I didn't steal your stereo"...

I'm dead serious! Why do you think
I never took a run at Becky?

Because then you'd have nothing left
to fantasize about.

That. And because people think
that they can handle it

but then emotions get involved

and feelings get hurt
and someone winds up getting fired.


You're fired!

He's mine!

He's mine!

- Jack!
- Yeah?

- You're fired!
- Baby what did I do to deserve this?

Jack. You're fired.

Bottom line:
don't dip your wick in the company oil.

Hey! Oh nice. Very accurate.

That's you!

- I know.
- I had nothing to do with those. Those-

Yeah, look. Jack wants me
to come in early tomorrow

to sign for a shipment of meat
but I don't wanna do it so...

you're gonna do it.

Ok, Ok, will do.
Thank you for stopping by.


- Dude that better not be for me.
- It's-no.

Heads up guys! We got a level 5
celery sucker out there.

What's that?

A chef's mortal enemy.

A vegan.

No meat, no fish, no faun, no fun, ever!

They don't even eat eggs.

Which means that they're weak
and they can

be frightened off with a large spoon.

Why wouldn't someone wanna eat meat?

Because it's poison that's why!

Plus it's killing the planet.
Oh and let's not forget it's murder!

Oh actually 3 of the steaks
we're serving tonight were suicides.


Could you take this butter away.

Yes, I'll make sure to give it
a decent burial.

Look I'm serious about this.

I'm sure you're serious
about everything.

You have no idea!

You know,
I don't know what Jack's trying

to prove with this whole
"no dating" rule.

I mean we're all adults,
we can handle it.

You are so desperate
to get me in the sack.

Get you in? No!
Kick you in? Yeah!

Oh come one!

We both know you're dying
to let a little Steven in your life.

And by a little Steven
I mean a lot of Steven.

Honey! There's nothing you have

that I couldn't replace
with a pulsating shower head

and a little imagination.

Something I can help you with Jim?

Is there-No. I-ah-I-I'm sorry.

So I'm evil?
I'm evil because I eat meat?

Yes. I would say that.

- I eat meat.
- Mom please.

It's called the food chain.
We got to the top of it. Cows didn't.

You know why? Cause they're lazy
and now they're paying the price for it.

I'm sure when the rain-forests dissapear

the planet will survive
on your sense of humor.

You're just full of opinions aren't you?

A lot of men are intimidated by that.

I'm not a lot of men.

Does anyone care that it's my birthday?

You are so picturing me naked right now.

Steven, if you wanna have sex
with me just ask.

You know maybe I'll do you a favor
and throw you one.

Do me a favor? Listen sweetheart,
I don't ask women, they ask me.

Hundred bucks says you will.

No,a hundred bucks says you will.

You seriously think I want you that bad.

Oh you would be lucky to last the day.

- Fine then. It's on.
- Oh it's on.

And, I don't take checks.

Good. I don't have a checkbook.

So I rinsed off some lettuce,
put vinegar on it, charged her 18 bucks.

Oh! Vegans are stupid.


But you gotta give her credit
she sticks by her principals.

Yes, stupid principals.

Yeah, I couldn't live that way.
I'm a hunter.

Which reminds me. Grab your gun
because it's ?clair season.

Bottom line: vegans are scum,
and dead animals are delicious.

Yeah. Screw the vegans.



- What?
- Chef.

You sound out of breath.
Did you run to the phone?

What do you want Jim?

I'm sorry.
So the meat guy brought the rabbits

that you ordered for the special.

Stop that. What do they look fresh?


Yeah they look fresh.

Hey sexy! I thought I'd tell you

about all the things
that I wanna do to you.


Yeah...well...that sounds,
pleasant enough.

But,uh, here's a thing or two
that you might enjoy lady.

Yeah well,
some women might enjoy that.

But not as much as you would enjoy
a little bit of this.

Ok! That is not my pastor!

Let's cut to the chase,
here's you really want.

No dude that sounds good.
My ass is awesome.

I'd love-Hello? Hello?
He hung up on me.

What you do to my crab
and cucumber salad?

Oh actually, I was in the tub last night
and I had this idea.

You took the crab out huh?
You took the crab out!

No, I wanted to give the cucumbers
a chance to shine.

Is that weatgrass in your breath?

No, no no. I, uh,
I started drinking again.

You're shagging the celery sucker.

Yeah, I can see the marks from
her tiny blunt teeth on you neck.

Great! I do all the work
and the customer gets the tip.

Actually not just the tip.

Ok that's enough!

I like Julia ok?

She's passionate.
And she's committed,

and she's got the courage
of her conviction.

Unlike you! What are you even doing
with this woman?

Chef! So I talked to the guy,

he's gonna come in
and kill the rabbits for you since,

- you know, it's freaks you out.
- I'm not freaked out.

No he's not freaked out, he's selling

out which is actually more shameful.

I am not selling out!

I've cooked thousands of animals
far cutter than that.

Now where is my rabbit stabbing knife?

Hey Jim.

Don't look at me like that.

What I say?

Look! You're an entree
one way or another.

If it's not gonna be me
it's gonna be somebody else right?


Come on work with me.

We gotta do this together.

You're gonna go to a nice place.

I'm gonna take you there.

Sorry dude.

Jack Bordaine.

Hey gorgeous.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Hey!

I was, I was, I was thinking about you.


Hey can you get away for a bite?

And maybe some lunch.

- Now?
- Unless you're doing something.

No, nothing.

Nothing that my uh,
that my sous chef can't handle.

Time to die bunny.

If it's any consolation,
I'm sure you'll be delicious!

Come to think of it you do look a bit
like a hamster I had when I was a tot.


I really miss that little guy.

I can't do this to you.

I'm gonna fake a seizure.

No, no. Jim's having a fake seizure!

It always comes down to the patissier.

Your number is up thumper.

What are you doing
to that cute little bunny?

Petting him.
Because he's so darned adorable.

I'll do it.

What Ramon?
No! Thank you! No!

So, who was wrong about tofu?

The guy who invented tofu!

Hey watch it!

Sorry, I'm allergic to health!

Come on, it's not that bad.

The fact that it was in my mouth
that long shows how much I like you.

- Get it-Get that away from me.
- Oh come on!

Oh my God!

Dude! We didn't see anything.

And you didn't see anything.

Hey Tanya!

I saw something.

No you didn't.Watch your toes.

Now, this is what I'm talking about.

Why do you have to do that?

Because if we're going back
to your apartment I need energy.

You see now you have sausage breath.

Oh come on. Come on it's not that bad.

- Come here.
- No it's disgusting!

Come here.

Kiss me.

What's gonna happen?

Oh my God!

- You like that don't you?
- It's so good!

That's right. Eat that.

You love it.

- You love the sausage.
- I do!

I do love the sausage!

Do you want some more little girl?

Oh I want some more!

Wa-wa-wait! What about the rain forest?

Where the hell
have you been sweetheart?

I was out on lunch with Julia.

Oh, celery sucker.

Not anymore!

Now you can call her sausage girl.

Not for that reason!

Well not only for that reason.

You turned her?

Was there ever any doubt?

All hail to the vegan slayer!

You the man!

So are the rabbits ready to go?

What makes you think it was me?

Other than that it was a perfect crime.

Well I think it's wrong to kill
a living, breathing animal!

What about your shoes?

But alligators are mean.

This is very serious Tanya.

Now we can't kill the rabbits at all.

And I for one,

was really looking forward
to killing them.

Yeah me too.
Love slaying rabbits.

I'm very
very disappointed in you Tanya.

Thanks a lot Jack.
Now I gotta go comfort her.

Thanks a lot Jack!

Can I help you?

Sorry Jim.

Not bad.

Thank you.

Good morning bunnies!

Oh my God!
Bad bunnies!

Goodbye bunnies.

I'll take them off your hands.

You're not gonna kill them are you?

No, of course not.

I'm gonna take them home to my apartment
so they can live with me forever.

Oh that is so great!

You know I don't know why Seth
called you a cascading bitch.

Sweetheart, that's castrating.

- Now that makes sense.
- Yeah.

Put that over there.

Hey Julia.

I need you here, now.

We're just about to open up.

Can you come over here?

- No!
- Why not?

It's the meat!
You poisoned my body!

What about all the nice things
I've done to it?

I'm sorry. I just-
I'm just trying to keep things light.

Let me hold your hair.

Seth, where the hell
are the tarts for table 3?

I'm working on it, chill.

I will not chill! Table 3 wants those
tarts, they want them now.

You've been teasing them
with tarts for long enough

and they can't stand it anymore!

Ok, this is not about tarts.

Listen I feel terrible about this.

I had no idea a little bit of sausage
would make you feel this-

Is that bacon?

I didn't feed you bacon.

No but you fed me the sausage.

Which led to the salami,
which led to the bacon!

Wait a second, whas is that salami?

Yes! And it's your fault!

How is that my fault?

Because you're the devil!

Ok, this has gone too far!

- Then give in.
- No you give in!

No you give in!

Wait! What if we both pay each other?

That way honor's served,
AND we get to have sex.

Oh that is so damn hot Steven!

Ok let's do that,
let's do that right here!

There 100 dollars exactly.

Oh it's 200 now.

What? Why?

Because now I know you'll pay.

Oh! Damn you!

Jack I need 15 minutes
to run to the ATM.

Are you out of your mind?
We just hit the dinner rush.

Yeah, what's your hurry Steven?

There's no hurry!

What if I can do it in 10?


Can anyone lend me 100 dollars?

Very quickly!

But here's the thing, this
time I'll pay you back and I'm totally

gonna call your sister.

Mimi you look great!
Is that a new hairstyle?

I need 100 dollars!


- I do! I'll pay you back.
- That's what you said last time.

No this is important.

- That's what you said last time.
- This is is important.

More important than when your nephew

needed 100 dollars worth
of Chemotherapy?

Yes! Because this one's real!

Don't ever touch me.


So you broke up with her
while she was puking?

No no, I held her hair until
she was done, and then I broke up.

Because I'm a gentleman.

Well good.

I mean she abandons her principals
and then blames you.

That's not the kind of woman
you need to be with.

Oh really?

What kind of woman
do I need to be with?

I need 2 short ribs,
1 risotto and 1 rabbit special.

We don't have a rabbit special Cameron.

Sure we do!

- Becky did you just-?
- No big deal.

Well I just picked him up,

and I said "nice rabbit, sweet rabbit",
and then...

Problem Jim?

Not anymore.

You're incredible.


sometimes you gotta stop pussyfooting
around do what you gotta do.

The truth is,
most of us are barely even aware

that there's a connection between
the animal and the meat on our plate.

The rabbit special. Enjoy.

Thank you.

It's comforting to pretend that nothing
had to die to save our appetites.

But it's also a lie,

and you have to admire someone
who has the courage to look

that part of themselves
in the eye and not flinch.

I know I do.

Guess who's got the money!


You know, I've been waiting
10 years to get you in the sack.

And all you had to do was ask.

I don't ask.

I can't do this to you.

I'm gonna fake a seizure.

No, no. Jim's having a fake seizure.

No, actually that was real.

I really miss that little guy.

- I'll do it.
- What?! Ramon no!

Thank you! No!

Abby_e, Sixe, Birdyben