Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 5 - You Lose, I Win - full transcript

Every chefknows that breakfast is
the most important meal of the day.

'Cause if you don't have that full-force
caffeine-nicotine buzz going...

there is no way you're gonna
be able to tame the chaos...

that reigns in the
back of the house.

Come on, man! Let's go!

Jack. Jack. Okay, the night porter didn't
clean the grill, the big blender's broken...

and someone crammed my locker
full of Spanish pornography again.

- I'll look into it.
- Thank you.

- Jack,Jack,Jack!
- Yeah.

Jack, three waiters called in sick.
Some kind of explosive intestinal-

They think I don't know Shakira's in
town? Tell 'em I want 'em here yesterday.



Major crisis.
See Page Six.

"Bourdain Snubs Stunning
Starlet. " Translate that for me.

The fabulous Lindsay Lohan
was here last night...

and you refused to leave
the kitchen to say hello.

Or so says the Post,
which I trust implicitly.

I can't be everywhere at once. I didn't
even know she was here last night.

- Lindsay Lohan wants to say- - If
it's not about the food, get out!

- I was cooking for 180 people.
I can't be everywhere at once.

I'm not the master of
time, space and dimension.

If I may, your fans
are your power base.

- You have to stroke your base.
- I'm not gonna embrace that metaphor.

You will get a second chance
to kiss Miss Lohan's ass...

when she returns...
for her dog.

I'm here to cook,
not kiss ass.



Jack, Pino's on line one.

Oh.

Kissing ass is part of the job. We're
hot right now. It's expected of us.

I was expected to be at my
own wedding, but guess what.

- Where was I? In your kitchen.
- When was this now?

Don't make this about me.
You need to be in the kitchen.

I'd be happy to work
the room for you,Jack.

People don't like you as
much as you think. Move.

Look, this came down from
the Prince of Darkness.

It's happening.
But don't worry.

I put somebody in charge.

In which case, I humbly
and gratefully accept.

- Hey.
- Guys, this is Becky.

We went to culinary
school together.

She'll be
covering for me.

Uh- I- But
you're a- She's a-

Yes. I pee sitting
down. Get over it.

- Wait. Becky Sharp from
Becky's on Fourth? - Mm-hmm.

- I love that place.
- Well, thank you.

And I love your scarf.
Really brings out your vagina.

How come I have never
thought of that before?

That's funny.

How can she be above me? Do
you realize she's a woman?

- Yes. Why are we whispering?
- Because they can hear everything!

- She's a topflight chef, Steven. She ran her own restaurant.
- Ohhh!

I don't care if she's a
world-class balloonist...

who can whistle "London Bridge
Is Falling Down" out of her ass!

- This should've been mine!
- You're preaching to the choir, buddy.

- What? Pino doesn't trust me?
- Why would he? You stole his Vicodin.

- We don't need another chef.
- Yes, we do.

We're getting slammed, okay? And
I'm just giving her the scut work.

You're still my
go-to guy, huh?

You're my right-hand man.
You're the Sundance to my Butch.

- Oh, good. So I'm actually in charge.
- No.

What's she ever done that's so
great? Run a failed restaurant?

- She probably can't even cook.
- Her vagina insult cut me to the quick...

but her crumb cake was
like a cloud from heaven.

Yeah. But it is cake.

I mean, who needs cake? Not
exactly the pillar of a meal.

Are you implying that your fish
is more important than my cake?

I'm not implying it.
I'm stating as fact.

Really? Ever heard
of a birthday fish?

No. Dad ever take
you on a caking trip?

Oh, no, he didn't.

Just tell Miss Lohan that I have her
dog. No, no, no, I'm not a stalker.

I am a fan though.
I loved her in-

Hello? Hello?

Snazzy, the barstool was not
put there for your pleasure.

There's a Jessica
on line one.

She says that
she's an old friend.

Oh, no. Not lameJessica.

She just said Jessica.

- Hello?
- Guess who's in town.

- You?
- Me!

Oh.

Okay, I'm
heading out there.

If you need anything, if there's
a crisis, if you have a question-

Jack, you're 11 feet away. Don't
worry. I can handle these animals.

- That's what she thinks.
- I heard that!

Girl is like
a flipping bat.

- Now go be pretty, okay?
- Okay.

Go, go. We're
fine, really.

Waste of time. Let's get
this over with quickly.

- Where do I start?
- Actually, table eight just sent compliments to the chef.

Gotta do what I gotta do.

Everyone enjoying
themselves tonight?

Every chef will tell you
that he feels out of place...

ifhe's not sweating
over a hot stove.

But the truth is you can get used to the
sweet life out front pretty damn quickly.

I just always had this real
need to please people with food.

I just think it's, like, uh, a
gift that I have, as God made me.

Hey, uh, if your
father calls...

tell him that I'm working
the floor like he asked, okay?

- Yeah, you're really taking one for the team.
- Actually, I'm shooting for two.

I'm just kidding. I'm
kidding. No, I'm not.

This table needs a
complimentary everything.

Get your heads out of your
asses. We got two frisees...

one torn crab
- and fire the sweetbreads.

Oops-a-daisy.
I'm sorry.

It seems I got a little
enthusiastic with the coulee.

Well, whilst you're
licking things-

Make it again.

- I got your back, bro.
- Hmm.

Oh-ho!

Oh!

- What the hell was that?
- It's called " the shocker. "

And any of you tools
try and touch me again...

and you're gonna
get one of your own.

Hey, I'm used to being the
only woman in the kitchen...

so back off or bend over.

- Oh.
- Raise your hand if you got a semi right now.

Semi-what?

You don't actually
like that thing, do you?

Oh, I know. I wish I didn't 'cause
it so fits into the stereotype.

But the truth is this poofy
little dog has won my heart.

- I love you.
- You guys...

when my friend Jessica shows up
tomorrow, please be gentle, okay?

Ooh, what's wrong with her?
Oh, does she wear the big shoe?

She's not a freak, okay?
She's just a bit of an outcast.

You know, could never get a boyfriend.
She was kind of like my project, my mascot.

I tried to teach
her how to be cool.

- Mimi was cool? - She-
She must've peaked early.

- I just don't understand
why- - No, that's close.

But unless you use your thumb, then
it's not technically the shocker.

- What? Ohh!
- Oh.!

Okay, let's talk about
something important!

Can we all agree that
we prefer cake over fish?

Two words: " Moby Dick. "

Four more: "Not
about a cake. "

- Jessica Alba gets naked on your couch.
- Mmm.

Do you cover her in chocolate
frosting or pickled herring?

Herring! You're
making my point for me!

A day's pay says
I sell more cake...

tomorrow night
than you sell fish!

Bring it, cupcake.

Hey, why'd you guys split? You
couldn't wait 15 minutes for me...

to finish my creme brulee
with Lorraine Bracco?

Oh, don't worry. You didn't
miss anything, Mr. Softy.

Oh!

Oh, so you told
them that story, huh?

Mm-hmm.

And now we come to Mr.
Bourdain's foie gras tureen.

This doesn't belong on a
plate. It belongs in a bedpan.

Shame on you, Mr. Softy!

Massive indignity.

I'm so glad Becky's here
to resurrect stories...

that I tried to blot out with
years of drugs and alcohol.

Uh, I found this wallet.

- " Seth Richman. " So I guess the
next round's on me. - It's mine. Dude-

- I don't know,you guys. I'm pretty beat.
- What?

- Let's call it a night, guys.
- Or we could drink through it.

- Brilliant.
- To drinking through it!

I could do that if I wasn't
so tired and, uh, sober.

All right. Well, let's say
good night to Mr. Softy.

Good night, Mr. Softy!

Mr. Softy?

What? I thought your
nickname was the Ice Man.

Oh, they were
talking about, uh- uh-

It is. You
keep that alive.

- Oh, uh, Becky.
- Oh, hey. Sorry.

You were in fine
form last night.

How many did you
have after I left?

I stopped counting
after Steven passed out.

- Tequila.
- Yeah.

I went for a long run, but I
guess I didn't sweat it all out.

Look at you. Drinking all
night, running all morning.

I'm surprised you didn't
have time to get some.

Actually, I gave myself a
little present around mile five.

A cop asked me what I was doing. I
said I was, uh, looking for my car keys.

You see, that's what I miss. The
little " car keys" like a belly dancer.

I'm so glad your restaurant
cratered so you could work for me.

Oh, I feel like a
pig pooped in my head.

This woman brought
me to my knees.

And I was kinda hopin' it
would be the other way around.

- And there's the chicken. Feed it. You love it.
- Mmmmm.

You taught her
"feed the chicken"?

- If you'd been there last
night, you'd understand. - Uh-huh.

- And the old huggeta-huggeta-huggeta
ha-ha. - What's that?

- What- I didn't get
that. - Oh, hey,Jack.

I was looking for the hanger
steaks for tonight's special.

- Did the delivery guy stiff you?
- The hanger steaks?

Oh. Too busy hanging around with
celebrities to order my steaks. He's changed.

Part ofbeing a
successful leader...

is having the ability
to admit your mistakes.

I didn't forget to
order the steaks.

I purposely didn't order the
steaks, 'cause you know what?

This isn't a steak house, Steven. Is it
too much to expect a little creativity?

Well, I can do an
amazing short ribs rioja.

Boom! You see? Always
focused on her job.

Actually, it's still
myjob. Temporarily herjob.

The point is she's
focused, which is good.

'Cause I can't work the front of the house and
watch your back. That was clever. " Front, back. "

- I'm awesome, and I'm out!
- Mmm.

Lightweight, are you okay
to take over the squab?

- Hey, listen. I never had trouble putting my hand up a bird.
- Mmm.

That's a good face. Hey, Cameron?
What'd I tell you about this dog?

Snazzy! There
you are! Ohh.

Oh, my God.
He's adorable.

You like him? We'll put
him in a doggie bag for you.

He's joking.

- Am I?
- You're funny. Funny.

- Take care of it.
- This is a celebrity dog.

- Yes, it is. I know. Come on.
- Ooh.

- Mims! -
Oh,Je-Jessica.

Wow. Look at you.

- Mimi, this is Kyle.
- Pleasure to meet you.

Kyle. Wow.

And you two know
each other how?

He's my boyfriend!
Isn't that crazy? Blah!

Wow. Boyfriend. Really?

- Well, this is
my chef. - Oh-

Oh, are you two, uh-

- Oh, God, no.
- All day long. She's crazy.

- No, no, no, no. Oh, stop. He just works for my father.
- Can't get enough of this girl.

- Like you!
- She's funny.

- Enjoy your meal. Baby-
- Don't ever touch me.

- See ya.
- Tanya, seat them in Donna's section.

- Donna's got a great section.
- It's true.

Mims, don't be a turd!
We want you to wait on us.

- It'll be so much more fun.
- Fun.

- Right?
- Fun.

- Well?
- Follow me.

Yes, ma'am.

Hang on a second. Tonight's a really
big night for me and Jess-Jess.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- "Jess-Jess. " -
Can you keep a secret?

And he's rich too.

Wow. I've never seen
anything that big.

Hey, it's not like
I haven't offered.

My plain, socially awkward friend is about
to marry the best-looking guy I've ever seen.

Good for her. Really.

- Can I try this on?
- No. Seth, I got an engagement.

Can you make something frosted
and shove this in there somewhere?

A momentous occasion,
and they want cake!

Of course, maybe they'll come
to you for a wedding fish.

- In Norway they would. - If I
hear one more word about Norway-

In Norway the
fish is a demigod.

- That's a flash, right? Ooh.
- Ooh.

Oh, I'm so flattered.

You're crazy, right? Too
bad you two are married.

It's okay. My husband
likes to watch.

- So do I.
- Oh, you are naughty.

Chef, table six would
like to meet you.

Lock you girls up.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God. That
was getting a little uncomfortable.

Just you wait.

- We are huge, huge fans.
- Well, that's obvious.

- The fan part.
- Oh.

Well, this is all you.

That's a lot of me!

What do you mean they
turned down dessert?

Drunk ladies do not
turn down dessert!

- What do you want from me? They're full.
- Two more salmon, baby.

I saw that! You're
pushing the fish!

They're full of fish! This
is a kickback situation.

- What?
- Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Screw what they order. If you two wussies
want to find out what people prefer...

just compare what they
leave on their plates, huh?

Loser eats both piles.

- Hope your toilet can take a punch.
- It's been known to.

- Has it?
- Often.

So how'd you two meet?

Well, we were both-

Oh, Ky-Ky, don't
talk about romance.

Mims doesn't
have anybody.

I'll check on
your entrees.

Try it on, wear it around, shove
it in the dog! I don't care!

Geez.

I'm grateful for the opportunity,
guys, but I can't really...

endorse anything that I haven't
had a hand in personally making.

Frozen foods, cookware,
a chain of restaurants.

Whoa! Were you sitting
on that saucepan?

No. But you are
sitting on a gold mine.

- Yeah. - You! We
wanna be in the-

Jack Bourdain business!

Oh, guys, this is so
flattering and horrifying.

- I don't know what to say.
- Just say yes.

Anyway, I gotta get
back to the kitchen, so-

Screw the kitchen! You're
too good for the kitchen.

You're not in the kitchen now. The
food's great. Don't let him out.

- Let him out? I can't get out.
- Watch this.

Whoa, whoa!

Okay, I need a spigola, two pork
loins and four porcinis on the fly.

Okay. Wow. You guys
are really in the weeds.

Hey, limey, my
filet sometime today.

Yeah. Right
behind you, lovely.

Becky, that's not how you
do it. You want to, uh-

- She looks stressed.
- I've been praying for her to crack all night, but no joy.

She's a machine, but
with, uh, curvy bits.

Hey, if I knew you guys were
gonna do so well without me...

I would've given Becky the
keys to the kingdom weeks ago.

Jack,just so you know,
the only reason...

that I'm even surviving this is because
you built such an efficient kitchen.

- To tell you the truth, I'm hanging on by a thread.
- So you need my help?

No.

- What are you doing with that?
- Finishing it.

You try to help somebody
when you're on top...

and they got nothing, and
you know where it gets you?

Nowhere. You open doors for them, sing their
praises, get your friends to accept them-

- And then you end up with nothing.
- Nothing.

Why is your face
on an oven mitt?

- Cake. Cake.
- Damn.

Mimi, wait. I really
need to thank you.

Oh,Jessica, I
didn't do anything...

except bring out the
person you already were.

Oh
- Oh, no. I meant for getting us a reservation.

And for being such
a good waitress.

Right. Waitress. Thanks.

Listen, Mimi.

Ky-Ky has a friend.
He's very nice.

- Oh.
- His hair looks real.

- Oh.
- And most of it is.

And in some lights, he's
just flat-out handsome.

- Surprise! You're getting engaged!
- What?

Yes! As soon as Ky-Ky
gets back from the can-can.

- Oh, no.
- Excuse me, everyone.

Jess-Jess here is
about to get engaged!

Whoo!

Hey, what just happened?

No! I'm not
done dreaming!

I wanted this
to be romantic!

Now it's romantic.

- I just wanted to tell you
these short ribs are fantastic!

- The best thing we've ever had here.
- Oh.

- Seriously. Ever.
- Oh.

Of course they are.

Recipe for resentment:

- Take one part
vanity- - Mm-hmm.

one part arrogance...

fold in an unbelievably
talented old friend...

and bring to
a rapid boil.

- Let me get rid of this for
you. Thanks. Excuse me. - But- I-

Two patrons just told me that
these short ribs are inedible.

- What?
- Getting it from all sides, Becks.

People are pulling me from table to
table asking me, " Why am I serving this?"

I need four more short ribs. These
things really are selling themselves.

Cameron, we're
having a meeting here.

I don't know what to say.
I mean, everyone tasted it.

This sort of
thing can kill us.

We're just lucky
Pino's not here tonight.

New special.! Okay,
triage right now.!

I'm doing a sweet corn and scallop risotto
- Get the scallops.

Jim, start husking. Steven, I
want you to grab the arborio.

Becky
- Becky?

I'm crying, okay?

Don't tell the guys.

Look, maybe I was a
little hard on you.

I deserved it.
I screwed up.

You know, you gave me
a chance, and I blew it.

- I suck. - You made
one mistake. It's, uh-

- You're still a good chef.
- Not as good as you...

and never will be.

And there's a part of me that
would love to see you fail...

and I hate
myself for that.

None of us are saints.
Nobody's a saint.

There are no saints
here. Look, Becky-

- I made you Mr. Softy!
- Wait. What?

- I sabotaged your senior project.
- I'm sorry?

I poured peanut oil
into your tureen.

- You did what now?
- What, are you stupid?

Okay, I made you look bad
so that I could look good.

What the hell kind of a person
does that? That was my exam tureen!

I'll get my things.

Wait-
Don't-

Look.

We've all done
despicable things.

Some horrible, despicable,
underhanded things.

And I for one am...

willing to forgive you.

So now are you ready to
go back in on the line?

Yeah. Yeah.

They really hated
the short ribs, huh?

Swing and a miss.
What can you do?

We are finally about to see what reigned supreme
- fish or cake.

- Teddy, get ready to cry!
- Seth, get ready to eat, baby!

Great. Now we gotta
do this all over again.

Steven, is a dog supposed
to shake like that?

Miss Lohan thanks you.

A muffin basket
will be forthcoming.

Oh, like that means
anything to anyone.

- Give him the dog, Cameron.
- Quickly.

Good-bye, my friend.

You do know her short
ribs were brilliant?

- Keep that under your hat, Sundance.
- Okay.

- I've never even seen that movie.
- Which one?

- Butch and Sundance. -
You're the good-looking one.

- Oh, yeah? How good-looking?
- Better looking than you.

Snazzy, what have
they been feeding you?

Oh, my God.! Oh, Snazzy.!

I'm very grateful for the opportunity.
But I really don't want to...

endorse anything that I haven't
had a hand in making myself.

- Oh.
- Where'd that come from?

Oh, been here
the whole time.

Oh, why is it
- why is it warm?

Just taste it. If
it's a no, it's a no.

- We walk away friends.
- As friends.