Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - Exile on Main Street - full transcript

The truth is, from the age of eight,
I knew exactly what I wanted to do

I was born to cook. I
loved everything about it.

The heat, the pressure,
the sheer joy of doing it.

But most of all, I loved satisfying
people's appetites.. especially, my own.

Recipe for failure:

take one part natural talent,
two parts stellar education,

mix with easy success and a generous
helping of booze, drugs and women...

and immediately
set it on fire.

There's no problem.

Let go of it, Tyrone. I swear
to God, I'm going to fork you

- Where's the rigatoni for table 35?
- Mr. Artiste here is at it again.



Do you see the way this
hack is sending things out?

This is rigatoni!
This is a noble pasta!

But he's drowning it like
a kitten in a bathtub.

Jack, sauce it and toss
it; I got tables to turn.

Suze, presentation
is everything.

Have you looked
out there recently?

No, no, no. No.

La, la,
la-la-la-lasagna

Happy now, superstar?

One of the thousand things
that sucks about sobriety

is that your messages become
a lot less interesting.

It's your sponsor, Bill.

Look, I'm not selling guilt
here, but you should really try

and make a meeting..
- Thank you, Bill.



Mr. Bourdain, Ms.
Roberts from Citibank.

For the third time, you cannot use your
credit card to pay your credit card bill.

If we don't receive the
full amount by next week...

Mr. Bourdain, Anthony Lorenzo
with Nolita Restaurant.

We got your resume and
would like to speak to you

about an exciting opportunity
at our establishment.

- How was work?
- Soul-killing.

- Trouble with the boss?
- Yeah. She's a real bitch.

Yeah, well, beggars
can't be choosers.

I heard the message.
You gonna go?

No! Come on, it's
gotta be a hoax.

First of all, I
don't have a resume,

and secondly, I got enough
stink on me to last a lifetime.

Great, 'cause I need you to work
a kid's birthday for me tomorrow.

We're premiering a new dish; it's
called "Ninja Pizza Explosion. "

You have a fine resume.

So, three years ago, you
disappear Poof. What happened?

I've been away.

There's this
place in France...

Where the ladies
wear no pants?

It's a joke.

- Come on, come on.
- Good one. It's good.

I give you the tour.

By the way, what happened
to your last chef?

He left. Creative
differences.

You pig! You'll never
cook in this town again!

So let me get this straight:
you got no food, no staff,

you're re-opening with 300 on
the books in less than 48 hours

and you want me to run your kitchen?
- Si.

- It's a suicide mission.
- Si.

I'll take it.

- I thought you said it was a hoax
- Well, if it is, the joke's on them.

He's leaving? Who's
gonna cover his shift?

Paco.

Fuego!

Fuego! Fuego!

Paco keeps bursting
into flames!

Who am I kidding?

Well, I can lie to them,
but I can't lie to myself.

- I haven't run a kitchen in years.
- No, no, you gotta go.

This place is a joke, and I say that
as your girlfriend, not your boss.

As head chef, I am
offended by that remark.

Tyrone, you're a walking can
opener. This man is a chef.

Okay, if I'm gonna
do this, I gotta go.

I got to assemble a crew
in less than 48 hours.

Yeah, right.

How you gonna do that?

Dental?

Nobody gives dental.

I know. The owner's
an orthodontist.

Great.

I give you five-to-one odds you
snort the place into the ground

before the milk has
a chance to sour.

Oh, I'm sorry,
what's that?

Oh. Oh, it's a
one year chip.

Yeah. These
mean something.

Come on, they don't just
give these away like Oscars.

Didn't you say something like that
right before you stole my television?

Seth, come on.

Hey, you'll be working
with Teddy. You love Teddy.

How the hell did
you get Teddy?

Visas? How many visas?

As many as you need.

Enough for Trang and Ang and Dong
- Ong. The "D" is silent.

It's much nicer.

Anyway, the owner is an immigration
lawyer. Did a lot of work for J-Lo's mom

Everybody's
gonna be legal.

- Legal.
- Legal?

- Legal, guys.
- Legal! Legal!

You hear that?

- All right, Jack,so what's the scam?
- Just take a look, and then we'll talk

Bloody hell.

This place is awesome.

It's like where food and
money come to have sex.

Which is why I
thought of you first.

So what do you say? Come on,
you gonna be my sous chef?

Yeah. Why not?

Butch and Sundance together again
It'll be just like the old days.

No, no, no, actually,
it's gonna be... no.

It's gonna be nothing
like the old days.

We're going to play
by the rules this time.

Yeah, there's going
to be no stealing,

no dealing, no women
or weed in the walk-in.

This guy Pino, he's an old-school,
by-the-book, stand-up kind of guy

- You lied to me!
- Bellisima!

Don't be angry with me.

You know if you keep making that
face, it's going to stay that way.

And I fell for it. I
fell for all the lies.

"Oh, Belissima, you'll be
so much more than a waitress.

I want you beside me,
every step of the way. "

And then you go and you hire
a head chef and he's a nobody!

Well, there he
is, my numero uno.

Come over here, I want you
to meet somebody very special.

This is Mimi, she's
one of my rising stars.

Which means the old sod's
doing her, so pour on the charm.

If my food tastes half as good
as you look, we are gonna be huge.

You just had to strangle
Sergio, didn't you?

Ah, you know women, eh?

- Am I crazy, or does she hate me?
- No, she hates you.

Probably thinks you're gonna
bankrupt him before she does.

Clever girl.

So... this is
the engine room.

It's got a bit...

- Whoa, who the hell are you?
- I'm Jim. The new guy.

I don't have a Jim.
I didn't hire a Jim.

No, I'm the new guy. I
mean, I was the new guy.

Technically, Friday was my first
day, but then Sergio left...

and I-I can't go back to Utah.
Have you ever eaten in Utah?

I am begging you, you
got to let me stay.

I'll only pay you half
what the other guy paid you.

Oh, Jiminy, that's...
that's great. Thank... oh!

- I'm sorry.
- Jiminy?

So should I haze him to the
point of tears or beyond?

Surprise me.

Kill the salt on that.

Oh, what's this supposed
to be, tuna tartare?

Looks like something
that fell out of my dog.

Hey, Teddy, why don't you
show junior how it's done.

Come on, guys, pick it
up! We open in two hours.

Full boat. Three
ladies and two...

much card
playing in here!

There's no card playing in the
kitchen, right, Jack? Tell them.

The drones are
awaiting inspection.

I got no time to
meet the wait staff.

It's only gonna take half a tick.
I been talking you up for hours.

- They're bloody terrified.
- Understandably.

There was a Jack
Bourdain at Lutece,

but I heard he choked
on his own vomit.

- No. That guy died.
- That's what I just said.

All I know is that this guy is a
total fraud with a very small penis.

- How do you know that?
- I don't.

It's just a rumor
I'm starting.

Pino probably got some old
fart to fall on the sword

so the investors wouldn't
sue. It's tragic, really.

Okay, everybody, listen up. I am
Jack Bourdain, I'm your new head chef

And this is Greg!

Greg.. this handsome devil..
is a Patagonian toothfish,

commonly known
as a sea bass.

And when combined with
garlic and shallots,

he'll become our delicious
fish special for this evening.

Hello, Greg!

Greg has traveled
over 3,000 miles

so that he could be poached lovingly
by me and garnished with crispy leeks

A journey of 3,000 miles,
and all it takes to ruin him

are the ten feet
from burner to table.

So...

I have a need.

I have a need for...
- Speed!

That's from Top Gun.

Nothing sits under
the lamp! Got it?

Got it.

Now, just for sake of clarity, I'm
not your friend. I'm not your daddy.

I'm here for one reason
and one reason alone:

to make the most
exquisite cuisine on earth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Greg
and I have some work to do.

I am so in
love right now.

Got it. Good.

Look at this veal.
This veal is gorgeous.

If I was another veal, I'd
be making love to this veal.

Tell me you didn't put
the veal down your pants.

And what if I did?

What's happened to you,
mate? You need to relax.

Things are
going swimmingly.

Yeah, this is scaring
the crap out of me.

Got it. Daisy Miller.

See you tonight.

Tanya, did you
say Daisy Miller?

Why, wasn't
I supposed to?

So she's really a man?

No, Daisy Miller is Reese
Ryder, the food critic.

And a dear old
friend of mine.

You son of a bitch!

With!

My!

Sister?!

- Reese Ryder.
- Reese, it's Jack.

Jack!

Last time I heard from you,
you were choking on an alibi.

Hey, word is Daisy Miller's
paying a little visit to Nolita.

Word is you took
over the kitchen.

You think maybe you could just
push the visit just a smidge?

Can't do it, Jack.

That'd be favoritism,
and business is business.

Fine, fine, fine!

Okay, just put your hatred
of me aside for a second,

and just judge
only the food.

'Cause, you know, there's a lot of
people here, a lot of decent people.

And you don't have to
destroy them because, okay,

I might have nailed your sister.
But you know how much I love...

Hello, Reese?

Tanya, let's talk.

Let me start by saying that you're very sweet and stylish
- whoo.

And one might even say that
you put the "ho" in hostess

Why, thank you.

But you cannot
screw this up, okay?

When Daisy Miller
arrives tonight,

I want you to give her our best
table, okay, and our best waiter.

Matter of fact, I want you to
give her anything she asks for.

A pedicure, your
kidney, anything.

We live or die
by this review.

Live or die, got it.

Teddy, why you
chopping shrimp?

I can't keep going back and
forth like this, all right?

They are already chopped. I
can't unchop them, right, okay?

And if you're going to change
the menu every freaking hour...

- Teddy, I didn't change the menu.
- I did.

I'm out.

Pinot always features
a shrimp risotto.

I'm sure it was an oversight, but I
caught it in time, no need to thank me.

Uh, the floor doesn't
make those decisions.

I do.

"The floor"?

Did you just call me "the floor"
like, like I'm something beneath you?

No, no, we all know
who you're beneath.

Okay. Pinot may have a soft
spot for losers, but I don't.

I've asked around,

and I found out what happened
at your last two restaurants.

I've invested way too much
to let that happen here,

so the second you
make a single mistake,

I'm going to be there
to take the picture.

Cheese!

Get away from me.

- Uh, did, did...?
- Get away from me.

Okay, sorry.

You all right, Skip?

Fine.

I'm going for a smoke.

Listen, I am so
sorry about the...

- What are you doing?
- Oh, that?

Oh, it's "Boot and Rally.
" It's an old chef's trick.

Yeah, helps you focus.

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Cool.
- It's very cool.

Thanks for the tip.

- I can pull this off.
- So you want me to start lying now

Hey, can you sneak
out? I want you here.

We open in, like, five
minutes and I'm freaking out.

I'd love to, but somebody
stole my dishwashers.

No, no. Stole?

No, borrowed.

Yeah, I'm going
to have... Hello?

Excuse me. I've been
waiting quite a while.

The hostess will
be right with you.

Your waitress will
be right with you.

As, come on, you
be our waitress.

Oh, no, I'm just the hostess,
but I can start your drink order.

Well, then I order you
to have a drink with us.

Nice.

- See what I did there?
- Yeah. Up top.

Nice.

Look, I've been here since
three restaurants ago.

It's under Ryder.

Yeah, um, sorry, I
don't see a Ryder.

Right. It's under
Daisy Miller.

Yeah, you can't just pick a name out
of the book and poach their reservation

Are you calling
me a liar?

No, no, not a liar.
More of an opportunist.

- I demand to be seated right now
- I'll see what I can find.

E njoy.

Excuse me. You're
our waiter, right?

Uh, can I help
you with something?

My friend's getting
married tomorrow

and I was hoping your pastry
chef could right on a small cake

or a tart something
like "Good luck, Rachel,"

or "You rock, Rachel," or "Friends
4 Ever" using the numeral four.

Do you think that's possible?
- No, I do not.

- There is a huge tip in it for you
- Would you like it to rhyme?

The ladies at table 2 are lubricated
past the point of discretion.

What does that mean?

And now I must
wash my hands.

Zip it up!

I got it.

Ladies, ladies,

I'm afraid you're going to
have to keep it down, okay?

Who are you?

I'm Jack Bourdain,
Head Chef.

Ooh, you certainly are.

Jiminy!

Okay, that is not funny!

I spent half an
hour working on that.

Come on, Opie, chill out.

And my name
is not "Opie. "

It is also not "Junior,"
or "Sport" or "Kid. "

Relax, champ, we're
just busting your onions.

Don't touch my onions.

I'm a trained chef, damn it,
and I demand your respect,

you... you...
mother scratcher!

Mother scratcher?

Finally, you
show some sack.

Congratulations,
mate, you passed.

Oh, oh, Jiminy.

Great. Anybody
seen my fingertip?

Look, it's, it's gone.
Your fingertip is gone.

Yeah, well, it didn't sprout legs,
so it's got to be here somewhere

What are you guys doing,
punching the clown back here?!

Where is my tart!

Those women were
out of control.

What's Hammer doing
in a pool of blood?

Teddy cut my
finger off, see?

Oh, will you stop screwing
around and sew it back on?

Yeah, I would,
but it's not here.

What are you talking
about, it's not here?

Come on, it's
got to be here.

Oh, my God.

- Pull all the plates.
- What? Why?

Pull all the plates!

Sorry.

Excuse me. Thanks.

Do I look like I'm done?

- Where are you going with that?
- I'm bringing it to table 12.

Nothing goes out until
we find the finger!

Look, it's gone, okay?

Now I've got a house
full of hungry people.

So before tonight
goes in the toilet

and you completely destroy this
restaurant, this is going to table 12.

Unless you'd like me to
clear it with Pino first.

Fine.

Cheese.

Sea bass with
crispy leeks.

Do I get to
keep this one?

This looks overcooked.

I'll tell the manager.

No, I'll tell
the manager!

Better yet,
where's the chef?

Hey, you remember me?

Hello. You know what?

Now's not a great time.

Listen, I just wanted
to say thank you.

That was the best
meal of my life.

Oh, the pleasure's
all mine.

Before I commit myself to
one man forever and ever,

there's just one more thing
that I wanted to put in my mouth

Oh, oh, we can't.

No, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Jack!

Reese. Oh, God,
you look great.

I came to chew you out, but
I see somebody beat me to it.

Reese, no,
no. Wait, wait.

Looks like you started
celebrating early.

Oh, Suze!

Uh, uh, it's not
what it looks like.

Okay, my pants are down and a
woman did just leave the premises...

And one passed
out on your floor.

- I know. I can explain that.
- Don't.

I must have been an idiot

believing that you could do this without
turning back into a total degenerate

Yeah, you're right. You
figured out my master plan.

Yeah, I get given a chance out of
nowhere to become a real chef again

and I figured the best
way to seal the deal

is to lure the city's top food
critic to the back of the house

to watch me have
sex with a patron.

Come on. Are you kidding me?
After all we've been through?

Suze, is that really
what you think of me?

You're right.
I believe you.

You're too stupid to make
up something like this.

- Thank you.
- I got to go.

I'll see you at home.

Hey... was I good?

Here's the thing
about second chances.

Sometimes it comes down
to one person's opinion,

and I gave that person
the finger... literally.

So it doesn't
hurt at all?

No, I'm
impervious to pain.

I can only feel pleasure.
It's a birth defect.

Dental. You
fell for dental?

Right. Because visas, they
just hand those out like candy!

May I have your
attention, please?

There's something I
want you to hear. Listen.

"Certain restaurants take on
the personality of their chefs.

Desperate, reckless, frantic..
such was my experience at Nolita

The service was so
bad that if my waitress

isn't related to the owner,
she's sleeping with him. "

Listen, about Mimi,

I know she's your
lady and everything...

what she did tonight
was inexcusable.

She's my daughter.

- I'll get my things.
- Aspete, Frank, listen.

"Nolita could easily be written off
as a disaster were it not for the food,

which, judging from the small amount
I was allowed to consume, is sublime

If Jack Bourdain can
set his house in order,

Nolita promises to be one of the
city's premier establishments. "

Hell, yeah!

Now we are family.

I'm deaf.

- You did it.
- Yeah.

Hey, superstar,

Tanya and Chloe and I are
going to go back to their place

to hang out with their friends who
are models... and frequently naked.

You feel like
celebrating?

Yeah, I do.

Suze, you're not
going to believe it!

The review couldn't
have been better!

Well, it could have been better, but
they loved the food and they loved me!

"Jack, I knew
you could do it.

Like you say, you
were born to cook.

But tonight I saw what's
in store for both of us

and I can't wait
around for the pain.

So good-bye
and go get 'em.

Suze.

"PS
- if you're wondering how Pino got your resume, look in the box. "

I know this could be the
biggest night of your life

and you probably lost like
20 pounds, most of it praying

but I want to relax 'cause
universe has decided our fate

we are just
along for the ride

- Are you baked right now?
- A little, yeah

Transcript: Raceman Synchro:
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