Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Las Vegas, NV - full transcript

Rob and Rich wake up to find they accidentally got married in Vegas. While Rob frantically tries to get the marriage annulled, Rich decides to take advantage of the situation instead.







I remember we started
with the usual, you know?

A little golden tea.

Oh, yeah, and that hot lady
came over to talk to us.

No, that was our waitress,
Rich. She was taking our order.


Then we started doing shots.
A little Goldschläger.

A little Jägermeister.

A few Jägerschlagers.

And then didn't we do some
tequila shots with some strippers?

They were dancers.

- Erotic dancers.
- No, they were trained dancers

performing in a show.

Oh, my bad.

At Titty Pete's.

Okay, regardless. How
did we go from that to...

the honeymoon suite?

I don't know. Ask
yourself, man.

It's my room. I needed
to get some sleep.

This is my room!

We're in my room. This...
this is my bathroom.


Then this must be yours.

At what point did we decide it
was a good idea to get married?

Don't know.

And why? Did we lose a bet?

Do it on a dare? Why would
we do something like that?

Don't know.

Why are you being so
fucking blasé about this?

Don't know.

We have to stop flying
in so early on Thursdays.

It only gets us into trouble.

Or we could just not drink.

You're right, later
flights. Check.

Why are you still wearing
your wedding ring?

I like the look of it.

Ahh! Rob and Rich.
I love you guys!

- Picture?
- Sure.

Are you embarrassed of us?

No, I just don't want
to make a thing of it.

Okay, okay, so if we actually got
married, we have to get it annulled.

- Yeah.
- But how?

Uh, call Marnie.
She's a lawyer.

Call my wife and tell her I
accidentally married somebody else?

- Ex-wife.
- Not ex. Not yet.

- Not ever, if I can help it.
- Okay, pal.

Partner? Husband? What
do I call you now?

Rob. You call me Rob.

Okay... Rob.

Listen, man, this
is no big deal.

I mean, I'm sure we thought
this was really freakin' funny

last night when it happened.

It's just one of those
"had to be there" moments.

- Which we were.
- Yes, but we don't remember it,

so that rule doesn't apply.

"Memories or it didn't
happen." That's my motto.

Okay, that's just sad.

Sad but true, Robbie.
We got this, man.

We can fix this. Meanwhile,
nobody else knows about it

and we will make sure
that it stays that way.

- Okay.
- You're good?

- You? Good.
- Great. Fine.


- What?!
- Congratulations!

Are you...?

Hey, Robbie.

- All right, man.
- What have you done?

Super great. What
have you done?

- Maury, what?
- Congratulations. Here, here's one.

- This is too much.
- One for you.

That's for the toast.
Toast to Rob and Rich.

- Salute!
- Rob and Rich.

Eh? Roberto y Ricardo.

- How do you guys know?
- Because, you live tweeted it.

- No, we did not.
- Yes.

Those Instagram posts
were beautiful, Rob.

You look so innocent
when you cry.

- Really, really cute.
- Oh, shit.

Rob, Maury got us a blender!

The bow comes off.

Oh, wow. Hey, write these things
down for the thank you notes, okay?

You know what?
I saw it coming.

You see, my gaydar's been
fine-tuned over the years,

like a perfectly aged bottle
of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.

1966, though, not 1967.
That's a really bad year.

I don't understand
anything you just said.

No, no, but it's true.
It's really true.

Look, did you know I once outed

an entire Scottish rugby
team with these two hands?

- Nope.
- Are you freakin' kidding me?

The band got us
matching scarves.

- Rich!
- Hmm?

- Outside.
- Hmm.

Ow, what?

- What the are you doing?
- Free stuff.

What happened to "no one knows about
it and we're gonna keep it that way"?

Well, I didn't tell
anybody, did I?

You did, Mr. Tweety

Rich, we're supposed
to be fixing this.

Right, yes.

Now, we start fixing it now.

Okay, I'm back on
the clock. I got it.


What are you doing?
Who are you calling?

Oh, hi, Concierge, can I get the
number for the Las Vegas courthouse?

- Oh, that's good.
- Rob, we have to go.


Great, no. I can't
write it down.

Can you just say it a bunch of
times and I'll try to remember it?

Oh, hi, Sue.

What are you doing?

Just going to my meet and greet.

Don't be glib. Don't
you dare be glib.

I've put up with your panic
attacks, your sporadic alopecia,

your green room boners...

Sounds bad when you say
it all together like that.

But marrying Rich
is just stupid.

Do you have any idea
what you're doing to him?

I know, I agree, and
that's... Doing to him?

Oh, yeah, for you this
is all just a game.

But this actually means
something for Rich.

No, Sue, no.

Yeah. Rob, he is
in love with you.

Trust me, I know, because, God
help me, I'm in love with you, too.

- What the fuck?
- Oh, no, not in a sweet sort of way.

In a go-fuck-yourself
sort of way.

Mm... mm!

Oh, God. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

That was a warning.

Rob's walking.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Hey, there.
- Hi.

- How are you.
- Good, and you?

Great. There you
go, thank you.



Rich, you called me.


- Rich... did you call the courthouse?
- Uh, no-go.

No-go meaning no, you didn't call
the courthouse or no, they said no?

No as in we're still married.

Thank you so much
for being here.

Are you with fans right now?

Rich, are you with
fans right now?

Hello? Answer me.

I'm miming my answer.

How can I tell what you're
miming? I can't see you.

Look to your right.

You're an asshole.

Oh, our first fight.

- You married Richard.
- Technically, yes.

But you and I
aren't divorced yet.

Hypothetically speaking, no.

No, not hypothetically, legally.

Okay, don't get all
lawyer-y with me.

Well, it's kind of hard not
to, Rob. See, I'm a lawyer.

I'm also a sensible,
non-binge-drinking adult.

You sound like Sue.

Get this.

She thinks Richard's
in love with me.


I think the screen froze.

What do you want from me, Rob?

I need you to help
me get out of this.

Richard called the courthouse,
but he hit a dead end.


Would you just do it for
the children we never had

because you wouldn't
have sex with me?

Well, you were never home
long enough to have sex with.

I might as well have
just married my fingers.


- Is that like an everyday thing, or...
- Stop.

I will call my friend in Nevada
County clerk's office for you, okay?


Hold on.

- Hello?
- Mr. Bennett?

- Speaking.
- This is Gayle

with A1 Health Insurance.

We had a call from the new
Mr. Bennett, your spouse.

Congratulations, by the way.

I... thank you.

Since you're the primary member,

we just need to confirm that it's
okay to add him to your policy.

Mr. Bennett?

The paperwork just
got filed this morning.

Mr. Bennett?

- Wait, what?
- My secretary just checked.

Rich didn't get it
annulled, he filed it.

And the state is honoring it.

Congratulations, asshole.
You're a bigamist.

Mr. Bennett?

- Hey, buddy.
- We need to talk.


- Is that the scarf...
- The band gave us? Yes.

Man, I love this thing.
It is so soft on the skin.

And I'll be honest with ya, they're
the greatest guys in the world.

This is so considerate.

Could you just take
it off for now?

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure.

You know, I would not ever
actually ever wear it with this.

It was just me trying it on.

- What's up?
- Maybe you should sit down.


Gosh, it's harder than
I thought it'd be.

- Just say it, man.
- Okay.

I don't love you, Rich.

I mean, I love you,
like a brother,

but I'm not in love with you.

- Uh huh.
- I mean, what happened last night,

I thought that was just some
kind of drunken prank gone awry.

But now, I'm worried that it
was something more than that...

for you.

And I don't... I don't want
to give you the wrong idea.

Hmm. What in God's name
are you talking about?

I know that you filed our marriage
paperwork with the courthouse.

- I did it online, actually.
- Rich!

I can't handle this
right now, okay?

I've got a soon-to-be
horny ex-wife...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Soon to be horny
or soon to be ex?

Both. Yeah, she's a
chronic masturbator.

- She just told me that.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- So, what?

- We talking every day, or...
- Stop it.

I don't love you, Robert.

Not in that way.

- Sue told me that...
- Oh, for...

Sue? Really? Sue? Please.

You know what, you can't
get it up one time!

Boy, you know what, I was
stressed that month, okay?

You hooked up with
Sue? For a month?

- Just keep it on point, Robbie.
- Okay.

What about my insurance? You
added yourself to my policy?

Yeah, I, uh...

I guess I do have a
confession to make.


Please, Richard, don't, don't.

Please, don't... holy mackerel!

- When did you...
- Yeah, Charlotte, North Carolina,

last year right before
you rejoined the circuit.

It was Sake Bomb Sunday.

Okay, well, that makes
a little more sense.

I'm gonna be honest
with you, Rob.

I don't know why we got married

any more than I know why I got
the phallic form of my name

tramp-stamped in prison script.

But I know I don't have the
insurance to get it removed.

Yeah, you know what,
I woke up today,

and after the fog cleared off,
I figured, "Hey, you know what?

Since we're married, maybe I should
take advantage of it, you know?"

Like, uh...

capitalize on that co-pay and
get this sucker lasered off.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, man.

I should've told you.

I was embarrassed.

It's a sad state of affairs when
you're using one drunk up

to pay for another.

All you had to do was
say something, man.

I know, and that was
my plan, I promise you,

but then... I just got swept
up in the madness, you know?

I mean, with all our friends,
and cake and presents,

and it was just... too fun.

It was fun feeling like
I had a partner again,

and an insurance plan
and a joint credit card.

Jesus, man.

Am I gonna die alone?

Oh, buddy.

We all die alone, pal.

But in the meantime,
we surround ourselves

with people we like
to hang out with.

I'm here for you, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Did you add yourself
to my credit card?

I did.

- I want a divorce.
- Copy that.