Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Burnsville, MN - full transcript
Rich books a commercial that requires him to be shirtless, so he enlists Matt to whip him into shape in the hotel gym.
- Hey there!
- Hi.
Your hair used to be brown.
- Still is.
- No, no, it's brown and gray.
Yeah, mostly brown, though.
And gray. Brown and gray.
Thank you so much
for coming, thanks.
It's nice.
Beth, can I get more
cream in my coffee?
Make it a lot more.
Thank you, Beth.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Gee, there sure are a
lot of ladies in line.
There's the benefit of having
two strapping lumbersexuals
as your leads, Chip.
Are you guys talking
about me again?
Cream me up, please,
Beth. Thank you.
Hey, everybody, miss me?
- Hey, pal.
- Where you been, buddy?
I had to put myself on tape
for a commercial audition.
How's that work, Rich?
You have to actually prove
you have erectile dysfunction
or they just trust you?
You don't do
comedy, do you, Sue?
Hi, sweetie.
Hey there. Oh...
You look nervous.
I can't believe I'm
actually talking to you.
You're the best.
Hey, you hear that, gang?
This one gets it.
What can I sign for you, honey?
Actually, I was wondering...
where's the bathroom?
Uh... it's out the double doors,
around the corner on your right.
Thanks. My mom thinks
you're really cute.
Lovely.
Bring me my goddamn scotch.
- Creamer, creamer, sorry.
- Are they drinking?
You know, back in the day Bernie
Kopell and I didn't have to ask
to get drunk at a
convention, we just did it.
Hell, Bernie demanded it.
The man was a stern taskmaster but
you don't say no to a goddamn legend.
He's actually very nice.
He's just having a moment.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow. Did you make this?
I worked for two years to
make one for each of you.
It's amazing. It
looks just like me.
Except that guy has less glue
holding his hair in place.
Um, where... where should I...
It's a little fragile so if you
can just sign along maybe the...
- Oh! Oh, Jesus.
- You know what? It's okay.
Why don't I give you
something else to sign?
- It's kinda drying to my hand.
- The glue is still a little bit tacky.
A little soap and water
will take care of that.
- I have real sensitive skin.
- Okay, okay.
It's really starting to burn.
Oh.
- Goddamn it, Rob.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.
Give me that.
No, no.
Oh!
Did you want this personalized?
Good
morning, Mr. Jablowmie.
This is your wake-up
call for 8 am.
- Holy...
- Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
They can't really spring this
on us like this, can they?
"Dear performers,
this weekend marks the launch of
our inaugural Cirque de Cabaret.
Please prepare one circus-style
bit to perform tomorrow night.
Congratulations on your
contractually-obligated participation.
We look forward to
your performance."
This is bullshit.
What are you guys gonna do?
- Sing a hymn.
- Speak French, take my shirt off.
So I'm the only one who
doesn't have an act?
Oui.
Aloha, gang.
Hey, have you seen this thing
about the event tomorrow night?
Cirque de Cabaret? Oh, yeah.
- I know about it.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
Well, Robbie and I recently worked
up a pretty air-tight juggling bit.
- I love juggling.
- Why did you do that?
Susan, my father taught
me at a tender age,
always keep a blue blazer in your
suitcase, jumper cables in your car
and a solid 15 minute circus
act in your back pocket.
You're an idiot.
But a prepared idiot,
thank you very much.
Roberto. Hey,
mandatory meeting.
What's up, buddy?
- I booked a commercial.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Dude, that's awesome.
Thank you, yeah,
it's a national.
- Agent just emailed me this morning.
- Jackpot!
- Yeah.
- What's it for?
Some... diarrhea-curing abdominal
rub that also exfoliates.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
One snag.
I gotta be shirtless.
That's cool, man.
You look awesome.
Portly is the new ripped.
Yeah, I know. I just...
Before I show some skin I'd like
to give the old torso a tune-up.
- Right. The old torso tune-up.
- Right.
- What to be done?
- Huh.
Dude, problem solved.
Hey, Matt... Matt.
I'm not investing in Amway.
I'm not doing that anymore.
No, Rich booked a
national commercial.
- Weird.
- Thanks.
Yeah, and he has to take
his shirt off for it
which is disconcerting
for all of us,
but, then I realized, Matt has an
unhealthy obsession with his body
so he can help Rich, you know,
put him through the motions,
trim off that muffin top.
- No.
- Gosh, come on, man.
Please, I don't wanna go on
camera looking like Papa Smurf.
You'd have to do everything I
ask when I ask you to do it.
I can do that.
Push yourself beyond anything
you ever thought possible.
I can do that.
And you'd have to pay me $50
an hour, cash, under the table
for a minimum commitment
of five hours.
- Ah...
- He could do that...
Let's do this shit.
The most important part of
all workouts... the stretch.
- Hah!
- Hah!
Haah...
Haah... Aah!
One.
Three.
Do uou want the director to call you
Fatty McFat Fuck when you walk on set?
No.
How... How do I
decline, incline?
Twenty-four.
Do you want America to collectively
shut off their TVs in revulsion
- when they see you on screen?
- No.
Fifty-eight.
Do you want your makeup
artist to projectile vomit
at the sight of
your hideous face?
- Why... why...
- Shut up!
A hundred!
One.
I can't get up.
I can't get up.
I did it... Matt?
Mattie? Matt?
A little help? Aah!
The hell?
What the shit?
Hey, there's something
wrong with my arms!
Good
morning, Mr. Jablowmie.
- This is your wake-up call for 8 am.
- Ah! fuck.
Damn it!
- Hola, room service.
- Come in.
I got the chorizo you ordered...
Oh!
I'll give you veinte dinero, if
you help me put on my pantalones.
And that's why Bernie Kopell
always shaves his balls.
True story.
Come in.
What's up, man?
Your shower broken?
Mandatory meeting, Robbie.
Just... back up,
back, back, back.
How's it going? How'd it
go yesterday with Matt?
I thought it went great but...
well, today I'm not so sure.
These guns have been in the cabinet a
while, Robbie, you know what I mean?
I don't.
- I can't move my arms.
- What?
- Why?
- Why? I barely touched you.
I know, I just told you, I
really jacked myself up, man.
It hurts when I do this?
- Burns like a thousand fires.
- Okay, okay, okay, relax.
Rob and Rich... it's
time for your panel.
You gotta take
point on this, man.
Yeah, it's all good, man, you don't
need functioning arms to kill on stage.
Okay, yeah. Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
You did that on purpose.
Thank you,
Burnsville, Minnesota,
I love you, I love you, I love you, but
now it is time to bring to the stage...
Richard Slate and Rob Bennett.
- Whoo!
- Oh, shit.
There we go, all right,
take care. Have fun.
Fuck
What's up,
Burnsville, my people?
That went well, I thought.
I had to re-enact my entire jumping
jacks bit using only my eyes.
People probably thought
I had Bell's Palsy.
Fuck... Ugh.. I could
use a little help here.
Where?
- Unzip me.
- What? Come on.
Dude, I'm code yellow.
I gotta go bad.
You've been standing there for three
minutes, what have you been doing?
Trying to will away
my need to pee.
It didn't work.
Oh, Jesus.
Just be glad I'm not a code
brown. Now, come on, unzip.
- Come on.
- I gotta get your shirt up first.
Holy shit.
Oh, come on, man!
Now what are you doing?
Trying to get snake
out of the cave.
Okay, well, hurry up, will ya? That
circus starts in a few minutes.
I'm well aware.
This is... oh...
This is a nightmare.
Come on, you try doing
this without any hands.
- I don't... I...
- Fuck.
You good?
Pull it out.
- Fuck you.
- Robbie, I'm dying.
I'll fly your body home.
- I'm gonna explode, Robbie.
- I'll alert housekeeping.
- Bro hun!
- Don't call me bro hun.
Oh, boy.
You really left me
hanging in there, Rob.
Bad choice of
words, buddy. Oh.
- God.
- Yeah.
What if I had pulled it out? Who
would've put it back in, huh?
Not this guy.
You would've been pulling a nosy
neighbor for the rest of the day.
I did you a favor.
Smells like a parking
garage stairwell back here.
I miss those days.
Rob, I cannot go out on
stage looking like this.
No. No, you can't.
I don't want a beer.
Aah!
Oh, ooh hoo! Hoo!
Now it all matches.
Quick thinking, buddy.
Thanks, it's not my
first pre-show pant piss.
Thank you guys so much.
I love you people.
Good luck following
Push-Up Paradise.
That's our cue.
- Whoo.
- Whoo, all right.
Who's ready for some juggling?
- Ha ha!
- This guy...
- And this guy.
- All right.
Let's do this.
All righty.
Great.
Okay, so what's our exit strategy
if everybody storms the stage?
Throw them again.
- Buddy, I say we cut our losses.
- Robbie.
- You can't move your arms.
- Robbie.
When you refused to
pull my penis out,
aim it for me and stuff
it back in my pants
you made me realize...
this is my problem.
And I'm gonna fix it. Nobody's
storming anything, buddy.
You get your ass back there
and you throw them again.
- Okay.
- You got me?
- I got you.
- Yeah, I got you.
- All right.
- Ready?
Okay, yeah, here we
go. For real this time.
Ha ha!
- I'm doing it, Robbie.
- You got this.
- I got this.
- Yeah.
- Ha!
- Whoo, now we're talking.
Thank you, good night.
- Hi.
Your hair used to be brown.
- Still is.
- No, no, it's brown and gray.
Yeah, mostly brown, though.
And gray. Brown and gray.
Thank you so much
for coming, thanks.
It's nice.
Beth, can I get more
cream in my coffee?
Make it a lot more.
Thank you, Beth.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Gee, there sure are a
lot of ladies in line.
There's the benefit of having
two strapping lumbersexuals
as your leads, Chip.
Are you guys talking
about me again?
Cream me up, please,
Beth. Thank you.
Hey, everybody, miss me?
- Hey, pal.
- Where you been, buddy?
I had to put myself on tape
for a commercial audition.
How's that work, Rich?
You have to actually prove
you have erectile dysfunction
or they just trust you?
You don't do
comedy, do you, Sue?
Hi, sweetie.
Hey there. Oh...
You look nervous.
I can't believe I'm
actually talking to you.
You're the best.
Hey, you hear that, gang?
This one gets it.
What can I sign for you, honey?
Actually, I was wondering...
where's the bathroom?
Uh... it's out the double doors,
around the corner on your right.
Thanks. My mom thinks
you're really cute.
Lovely.
Bring me my goddamn scotch.
- Creamer, creamer, sorry.
- Are they drinking?
You know, back in the day Bernie
Kopell and I didn't have to ask
to get drunk at a
convention, we just did it.
Hell, Bernie demanded it.
The man was a stern taskmaster but
you don't say no to a goddamn legend.
He's actually very nice.
He's just having a moment.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow. Did you make this?
I worked for two years to
make one for each of you.
It's amazing. It
looks just like me.
Except that guy has less glue
holding his hair in place.
Um, where... where should I...
It's a little fragile so if you
can just sign along maybe the...
- Oh! Oh, Jesus.
- You know what? It's okay.
Why don't I give you
something else to sign?
- It's kinda drying to my hand.
- The glue is still a little bit tacky.
A little soap and water
will take care of that.
- I have real sensitive skin.
- Okay, okay.
It's really starting to burn.
Oh.
- Goddamn it, Rob.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.
Give me that.
No, no.
Oh!
Did you want this personalized?
Good
morning, Mr. Jablowmie.
This is your wake-up
call for 8 am.
- Holy...
- Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
They can't really spring this
on us like this, can they?
"Dear performers,
this weekend marks the launch of
our inaugural Cirque de Cabaret.
Please prepare one circus-style
bit to perform tomorrow night.
Congratulations on your
contractually-obligated participation.
We look forward to
your performance."
This is bullshit.
What are you guys gonna do?
- Sing a hymn.
- Speak French, take my shirt off.
So I'm the only one who
doesn't have an act?
Oui.
Aloha, gang.
Hey, have you seen this thing
about the event tomorrow night?
Cirque de Cabaret? Oh, yeah.
- I know about it.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
Well, Robbie and I recently worked
up a pretty air-tight juggling bit.
- I love juggling.
- Why did you do that?
Susan, my father taught
me at a tender age,
always keep a blue blazer in your
suitcase, jumper cables in your car
and a solid 15 minute circus
act in your back pocket.
You're an idiot.
But a prepared idiot,
thank you very much.
Roberto. Hey,
mandatory meeting.
What's up, buddy?
- I booked a commercial.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Dude, that's awesome.
Thank you, yeah,
it's a national.
- Agent just emailed me this morning.
- Jackpot!
- Yeah.
- What's it for?
Some... diarrhea-curing abdominal
rub that also exfoliates.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
One snag.
I gotta be shirtless.
That's cool, man.
You look awesome.
Portly is the new ripped.
Yeah, I know. I just...
Before I show some skin I'd like
to give the old torso a tune-up.
- Right. The old torso tune-up.
- Right.
- What to be done?
- Huh.
Dude, problem solved.
Hey, Matt... Matt.
I'm not investing in Amway.
I'm not doing that anymore.
No, Rich booked a
national commercial.
- Weird.
- Thanks.
Yeah, and he has to take
his shirt off for it
which is disconcerting
for all of us,
but, then I realized, Matt has an
unhealthy obsession with his body
so he can help Rich, you know,
put him through the motions,
trim off that muffin top.
- No.
- Gosh, come on, man.
Please, I don't wanna go on
camera looking like Papa Smurf.
You'd have to do everything I
ask when I ask you to do it.
I can do that.
Push yourself beyond anything
you ever thought possible.
I can do that.
And you'd have to pay me $50
an hour, cash, under the table
for a minimum commitment
of five hours.
- Ah...
- He could do that...
Let's do this shit.
The most important part of
all workouts... the stretch.
- Hah!
- Hah!
Haah...
Haah... Aah!
One.
Three.
Do uou want the director to call you
Fatty McFat Fuck when you walk on set?
No.
How... How do I
decline, incline?
Twenty-four.
Do you want America to collectively
shut off their TVs in revulsion
- when they see you on screen?
- No.
Fifty-eight.
Do you want your makeup
artist to projectile vomit
at the sight of
your hideous face?
- Why... why...
- Shut up!
A hundred!
One.
I can't get up.
I can't get up.
I did it... Matt?
Mattie? Matt?
A little help? Aah!
The hell?
What the shit?
Hey, there's something
wrong with my arms!
Good
morning, Mr. Jablowmie.
- This is your wake-up call for 8 am.
- Ah! fuck.
Damn it!
- Hola, room service.
- Come in.
I got the chorizo you ordered...
Oh!
I'll give you veinte dinero, if
you help me put on my pantalones.
And that's why Bernie Kopell
always shaves his balls.
True story.
Come in.
What's up, man?
Your shower broken?
Mandatory meeting, Robbie.
Just... back up,
back, back, back.
How's it going? How'd it
go yesterday with Matt?
I thought it went great but...
well, today I'm not so sure.
These guns have been in the cabinet a
while, Robbie, you know what I mean?
I don't.
- I can't move my arms.
- What?
- Why?
- Why? I barely touched you.
I know, I just told you, I
really jacked myself up, man.
It hurts when I do this?
- Burns like a thousand fires.
- Okay, okay, okay, relax.
Rob and Rich... it's
time for your panel.
You gotta take
point on this, man.
Yeah, it's all good, man, you don't
need functioning arms to kill on stage.
Okay, yeah. Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
You did that on purpose.
Thank you,
Burnsville, Minnesota,
I love you, I love you, I love you, but
now it is time to bring to the stage...
Richard Slate and Rob Bennett.
- Whoo!
- Oh, shit.
There we go, all right,
take care. Have fun.
Fuck
What's up,
Burnsville, my people?
That went well, I thought.
I had to re-enact my entire jumping
jacks bit using only my eyes.
People probably thought
I had Bell's Palsy.
Fuck... Ugh.. I could
use a little help here.
Where?
- Unzip me.
- What? Come on.
Dude, I'm code yellow.
I gotta go bad.
You've been standing there for three
minutes, what have you been doing?
Trying to will away
my need to pee.
It didn't work.
Oh, Jesus.
Just be glad I'm not a code
brown. Now, come on, unzip.
- Come on.
- I gotta get your shirt up first.
Holy shit.
Oh, come on, man!
Now what are you doing?
Trying to get snake
out of the cave.
Okay, well, hurry up, will ya? That
circus starts in a few minutes.
I'm well aware.
This is... oh...
This is a nightmare.
Come on, you try doing
this without any hands.
- I don't... I...
- Fuck.
You good?
Pull it out.
- Fuck you.
- Robbie, I'm dying.
I'll fly your body home.
- I'm gonna explode, Robbie.
- I'll alert housekeeping.
- Bro hun!
- Don't call me bro hun.
Oh, boy.
You really left me
hanging in there, Rob.
Bad choice of
words, buddy. Oh.
- God.
- Yeah.
What if I had pulled it out? Who
would've put it back in, huh?
Not this guy.
You would've been pulling a nosy
neighbor for the rest of the day.
I did you a favor.
Smells like a parking
garage stairwell back here.
I miss those days.
Rob, I cannot go out on
stage looking like this.
No. No, you can't.
I don't want a beer.
Aah!
Oh, ooh hoo! Hoo!
Now it all matches.
Quick thinking, buddy.
Thanks, it's not my
first pre-show pant piss.
Thank you guys so much.
I love you people.
Good luck following
Push-Up Paradise.
That's our cue.
- Whoo.
- Whoo, all right.
Who's ready for some juggling?
- Ha ha!
- This guy...
- And this guy.
- All right.
Let's do this.
All righty.
Great.
Okay, so what's our exit strategy
if everybody storms the stage?
Throw them again.
- Buddy, I say we cut our losses.
- Robbie.
- You can't move your arms.
- Robbie.
When you refused to
pull my penis out,
aim it for me and stuff
it back in my pants
you made me realize...
this is my problem.
And I'm gonna fix it. Nobody's
storming anything, buddy.
You get your ass back there
and you throw them again.
- Okay.
- You got me?
- I got you.
- Yeah, I got you.
- All right.
- Ready?
Okay, yeah, here we
go. For real this time.
Ha ha!
- I'm doing it, Robbie.
- You got this.
- I got this.
- Yeah.
- Ha!
- Whoo, now we're talking.
Thank you, good night.