Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Arlington, VA - full transcript

Okay, when we get in there,

we're gonna have about
30 seconds to pitch this.

Are you sure we couldn't have
just gotten a meeting with them?

Robbie, when they're
at these conventions

these guys don't have
time to scratch their ass,

let alone schedule a sit-down.

Can't exactly pop by set.
It's in Saskatchewan.

You and I both know that
they would never call us back

if we had their
numbers, which we don't.

Okay, but they're
already on a show.

Right? And it's been on
for more than ten years.



Yeah, well, eventually
something's gotta give, right?

I mean, hey, I love this show,

but it's no "Condor Valley."

Well, dude, "Condor
Valley" 's a cable show.

Exactly, and that's
where we and they belong.

I think you're right. They're
really gonna love the show.

Especially the quirky
mechanic character.

By the way, you're
perfect for that.

- Thank you.
- But, like,

- how can't they love this show?
- Yeah.

Good call on the disguises.

- The hats are really workin'.
- Told ya.

Come on, Rich and Rob.

- Move.
- Maybe not.



Told ya.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- All right.
- See ya again.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- I believe these are for you.

And, uh, hold this.

- What's going on, fellas?
- Hey.

- Hey, buddy.
- Justin.

- Justin.
- It's Rich and Rob.

Rich and Rob, nice to meet you,
Rich and Rob. Hop in, guys.

- We'll duck down for ya.
- We... uh, we know you guys.

We... we're actually appearing
here at the convention with you.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

- For what?
- No, we... we worked on the show.

- Oh, so... really?
- Yeah.

- Catering.
- Oh, dude, catering.

No, actors, actors, actors.

- No, I play God.
- God of the griddle.

- Huh? Come on.
- God of the griddle.

- Sorry.
- What pose are we doing here?

Uh, you wanna do, uh,
rewalk to the prom...

- Uh...
- angry cop, squishy bear?

N-no-no. How
'bout... how 'bout

we pitch you your next hit show?

- That's awesome.
- That's a new one.

- Come on, guys, let's go.
- Okay, okay, okay, we're going.

Y'all gonna be the first ones.
This has never, never been done.

Um, it's a procedural.

- Yep.
- Okay, think, uh,

"True Detective"
meets "Walking Dead."

Right, the hunt for a killer
in post apocalyptic America.

- We're listening.
- Okay, great.

- So the show would star you guys...
- Next!

- All right.
- No, we're not actually...

- That was good.
- We gave 'em a great photo.

- Take care, guys.
- Hey, how are you?

We didn't even get to
the quirky mechanic.

- That's the heart of the show.
- Shit!

Okay, there's only one
thing for us to do.

You go buy two more tickets,
I'll get back in line.

Rich, those tickets
are $300 a pop.

Hey! Who's gonna invest in
us if not us? Am I right?

Do you or do you
not wanna become

the super successful entertainment
tycoon sons of bitches

we were meant to be? Hm?

Atta boy.

Act one, rain falls on a body

face down in a dark alley.

Is it dead? Is it sleeping?

Is it a man?

- No, no, and no.
- Right.

And then this quirky
mechanic comes in...

- Next!
- Wait, just wait.

No! Go!

But Leo's just a grad student

with a B in women's studies
and a C minus in life.

Yeah. And then this
quirky mechanic comes...

- Next!
- God damn it!

- And as the sun sets on him...
- Can you take your beanie off?

- Rob!
- What? I paid for it.

Leo holds Mike in his
arms and Mike says,

"I'm...

I'm a twin."

And then he dies.

And then,

this quirky mechanic character
comes in and he says,

- "Leo, I'm in the woods"...
- Next!

God, you're an ass face!

And then Dustin, the
last surviving triplet

falls to his knees at his
brothers' fresh graves

and swears to the heavens
that he will not stop

- until the killer...
- Or killers.

Is caught and justice is served.

Well? What do you think?

Yeah... ahem.

Guys, it sounds amazing.

I mean, I'm... I'm
getting choked up.

Yeah, me too.

It's just too bad that
we don't do procedurals.

- Sorry.
- What, wait.

Why didn't you say
that at the beginning?

- Next!
- I, oh.

- Hey, thanks for coming in, guys.
- See you at catering, huh?

- Hey, Doug.
- Hey, bud.

Sorry to bother you at home.

- Oh, no forget about it, man.
- Hey, listen.

I... I need you to up
the limit on my Visa.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid you're kind
of maxed out there, bud.

What happened? Did
you get another DUI?

No.

How many is that now?

I had one, like, nine years ago.

It was more
like six years.

Would you please just
give me a minute?

Sorry, Doug, um...

Yeah, so I... I... I, uh,

I accidentally bought a... a few
pictures with, uh, Justin and...

- And Jaden.
- Oh, yeah.

I get that.
They're pretty hot.

How many is a few?

Uh... 12.

Whoa.

Okay there, fanboy.

Well, I guess I can...

Hey, Angus, come on.

Guess I can wire you some cash.

Oh, Doug, no. I can't
owe you any more money.

Hey, you turn that frown
upside down, sad clown.

Your star's on the rise.

I mean, pretty soon I'm gonna
be begging you for money.

Remember, we're still waiting
to hear back on that part

for "Just Shoot Me!" You know?

No, Doug, no.

That show was cancelled,
like, 12 years ago.

Hey, you never know, bud.

No, I know, actually. I know.

Angus, stop.

Who we cooking for, tonight?

Angus' biological mom
is coming over tonight.

It's kind of a big deal.

He's being really kind
of bitchy about it.

Stop it, Angus.

Are we sure that it's safe

for him to be fingering
the vegetables like that?

Okay, all right, buddy, I
gotta run. My sauce is burning.

I know, I know, Angus. I
can smell it, too, Angus.

Calm down.

Is it beer o'clock already?

What?

You got a king-size
bed? Must be nice.

Stay on point, man. What's up?

Last night, I just... I...
My spirits were so high.

I thought for sure
we'd be selling

Justin and Jaden on
"Triplet Homicide."

Thought it'd be a home run.

And now, I'm $3,600 in the red
and back on Planet Asshole.

- Yeah.
- I mean, the highs and lows

of this con life...
it's gonna kill me, man.

Unless they put you on the map.

Yeah, map of Downtown Dickville.

No man, you just had
a brilliant idea.

This convention life we live, yeah,
it's an absolute circus, right?

The ups, the downs, the...
the blackout drinking,

- the drug-fueled threesomes...
- We never had a...

all of which are key ingredients

to every hit show on television.

- You think?
- Oh, buddy, I know.

I got three words
for you, H-B-O.

That's not really a...

Play me in Scrabble,
watch and find out.

H-B-O, three words. Three
words that make me right.

I'm telling you man,
this is the recipe.

This is the show we
need to be making.

Us, a show about our life.

This life.

Mm-hmm, yeah, okay.

- The convention adventures...
- Uh-huh.

Of a handsome, yet
neurotic divorcé...

- Uh-huh.
- And his asshole buddy.

You really think I'm handsome?

This is a great idea. We
could probably write this.

Buddy, we don't
need to write it.

It writes itself.
We're living it.

It's happening all around us. All
we've gotta do is transcribe it.

We'll take your
really good camera...

- It's Marney's camera.
- Ah, you're still married.

Still shared property, your
camera. We take that camera.

- We make the show.
- Okay.

You write it, I
direct it, we sell it.

Drop-a-da-mic.

Feedback.

- Get out.
- Okay.

I cannot believe we didn't
think of this sooner.

I know. It's really great.

- I'm excited.
- Yeah.

What are you ladies
so giddy about?

- Hey, man, use a plate, would ya?
- We are making a TV show.

Am I in it?

- Every show needs an asshole.
- True.

Whoo-hoo! Wah-hah-hah-whoo!

I just booked a
pilot. Suck it, band.

Hey, can I be a cop or Hispanic?

- Can I be a Hispanic cop?
- No, you're yourself, actually.

Or I mean kind of. Well,
it's about us, you know?

All of us. And, uh,
our life on the road.

Yeah, it's a
single-camera comedy

set behind the scenes in the
world of fan conventions.

Never been done before.
We're entertainment pioneers.

What's going on here?
Paper plate caucus?

Oh, boy.

Paper plate caucus.
You're so quick.

Okay, calm down, Rob.

Hey, what are you
doodling there, Richie?

Ah-ah. No peeking.

Hey, did you hear the big news?

These two are making a TV show,
and I just landed the lead role.

You don't say? Uh,
what's it called?

Well, we haven't
figured that out yet.

Seriously?

- That's good.
- Right?

- "Con Jockeys"?
- "Con Jockeys."

"Con Jockeys."

Oh, there.

Those are the guys I
was telling you about.

That's... that's Sheriff
Winters and Pastor Phil

from "Condor Valley."

- Yeah, it's Mark and Josh.
- Oh, my God.

Robbie, have you ever
seen "Condor Valley?"

"Condor Valley" is
an amazing show.

- Robbie, have you seen it?
- What are they doing here?

Oh, there's a "Condor
Valley" convention.

Con-Con. It's across the
street at the Westin.

- Oh wow, the Westin.
- Con-Con.

Yeah, those guys
use crowdfunding,

and they raised $2 million
to make their own show.

Oh, my gosh. It must
be an amazing concept.

- Huh?
- Actually it's kind of similar to...

- Shut the up.
- Ah...

- Yeah.
- No.

- This guy.
- I'm gonna propose.

Little soul, bitches.

- Hi.
- I haven't seen you.

- Hi, hi, hi.
- Get a room.

Oh, we're in a place where
you think I can't see you.

Hello, hey buddy. how are
you? It's so good to see you.

Mark and Josh, this
is Rob and Rich.

- I'm a big fan. I mean...
- Aw, thanks, man.

Do you wanna grab a
photo or something?

- Maybe later.
- I'll wait.

We have a lot of time. We're
here for a convention, also.

Oh cool. What...
what... what industry?

- We... we're actors.
- Mm-hmm.

- man, I am so sorry.
- No, that's cool.

- 'Cause you're not gonna...
- I didn't know.

- I don't know.
- You guys get him.

Yeah.

I always get you the like that.

I got... I gotta tell you guys.

I mean, congratulations
on raising all that money.

- Oh, God, thank you.
- Oh yeah, yeah, you're so welcome.

- Yeah, $2.5 million.
- Yeah, 2.5 big ones.

- Yeah, I thought it was two...
- What?

- Two, just two or...
- Well, it's the two that you're saying,

plus the point five that
we're talking about.

- Oh.
- So then if you put them together...

- Right.
- Sort of like...

Are you here for an
accounting convention?

'Cause you seem
like an accountant.

- 2.5 it's 2.5.2.5.
- Well, I've gotta tell you,

- I can't wait to see it.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you so much. Yeah.

- What's it called?
- "Con Junkies."

It's about a whole fan convention
thing, kind of scenario.

This world of, you know,
cons and conventions, kinda.

We've been doing it for a while.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Groundbreaking. Never
been done before.

- That's what "Variety" said.
- "Variety."

- That's not our words.
- "Hollywood Reporter."

"Variety" did... they did
like a whole blurb on it.

The guys are actually
making a similar show.

- Not that...
- Not that similar.

- Yeah.
- What's it called?

- Well, we're still hammering...
- Oh yeah, hammering an outline.

- The outline.
- Yeah.

- Lots of work to be done...
- You dropped this.

- Oh boy, that's...
- Oh, whoa.

"The Title of Our
Show is Con Jockeys."

Yay. Do you guys like ride
around in these conventions

- on like a horse?
- They drew it on a plate.

- That's cool.
- We're done.

How much, uh, fundage
you got for that bad boy?

We haven't really...
We just, uh...

We're sort of in pre,
pre, pre-production.

- Ah, pre, pre, pre-hell.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got a
producer for that.

- Scoots.
- Hey.

- What's up, Scottie?
- What up?

Yeah, what up?
He's so gangster.

- Great producer.
- Yeah, really top-notch.

What's the... what's the
gist about "Con Jockeys"?

- What're you... what's it about?
- Well, uh...

Rob, uh, plays Rob.

And then I'm gonna
play, uh, a character,

- uh, named R-Rich.
- Right.

I came up with the names.

So you guys play
yourselves in the show?

- Um...
- 'Cause we're not doing that.

No, we don't do that.

We're not doing anything
like that really.

Yeah, like in real life my
name's Mark, his name's Josh.

But on the show we
play Mike and Jersh.

- Right.
- Jersh?

Yeah. Short for Jershua.

Well, you know, we're not really
playing ourselves, either.

It's like, you know, uh, we're like
heightened versions of ourselves.

It's like... like in the show
Rich has been married three times.

I've... I've been
married three times.

Yeah, but, you know, yeah.

Mark and Josh, come on
in for a group selfie.

- Come on.
- Oh.

- You got Bernie Kopell?
- Yeah, he called us.

Guys, the ship's about
to sail. Come on.

- You're nuts.
- He's out of his mind.

Here's the thing.
Duty calls, Sheriff.

After you, Pastor.

You guys should ping Scottie.
Maybe he can get you a part.

- Outside.
- Yeah.

Hey, I'll take a part.

Hey, sorry. They're
famous, guys.

Sorry, guys.

I thought you should know,
you know, because it's so...

No, no, it's all right.
There're other ideas out there.

We'll just, uh... We'll
find another one...

- again.
- Yeah.

And, hey, whatever
we come up with,

whatever show we
make, you are in.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not... I have to
check with Mark and Josh first.

I mean, their contract's
kind of binding.

- So I'm not really...
- Oh, you're... you're in their show?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

- No, I'm doing... I'm doing that one.
- Well, that's great.

- I mean, hey, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you are.
- It's pretty exciting.

- Yes.
- I'm excited.

- Congratulations.
- That's awesome.

- Hey, get over here.
- Come on, Carly.

What're you doing? Come on.

- Congrats.
- Absolutely.

Hey, Scottie!

- Thanks.
- Scottie!

It's time for some
fun. Come on, gang.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Scottie, let's go.

- In the photo.
- Oh, hey, Handler Beth.

- Yeah?
- We got room for one more.

- Beth, Beth, Beth.
- Let's go, Handler Beth.

All right, good job.

Ready? You ready? And...

You know what, man?

We are making our show.

But those other
guys, they have...

Who gives a rats A?

A great idea is a great idea.

And ours is a great idea.

I mean, you think there's only
been one doctor show ever on TV?

- Been a million.
- There've been a gazillion.

And... and what if, you know,

after "Chicago Hope" came
out, John Wells would be like,

"Ah, I'm out." You know?

One doctor show.
Don't need any more.

No "E.R."

Do you realize that the world
would be Clooney-less right now?

It's not a
world I wanna live in.

Hell no, it's not.

We need to do this for the
audience we don't even have yet.

We need to do this for us.

Huh.

We are making this show.

That's what I'm
talking about, Robbie.

That's what I'm mother talkin' about!

Nachos.

Hot sauce.

Yeah.

- Whoo!
- Feels good, right?

- It feels really good.
- Damn right, it does.

- We're doin' it.
- Whoo!

Uh, take you terminal
5 first class drop off

or for coach?

- Uh, coach.
- Hmm.