Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Whippany, NJ - full transcript

Rich rescues long time buddy and former co-star Rob from a cesspool of depression and divorce papers by goading him back into the fan convention circuit.

Maybe I missed the memo.
Is it casual Friday?

I can't do it, Rich.

Can't do what?
Find your luggage?

It's over. With Marney.

- It's official.
- Oh, shit.

Keep it running, Boris.

Tried to... keep us together.

You know, you never
forget the day

you're served your
first divorce papers.

If it's any consolation,

the next two times get easier.

- That's no consolation.
- I know.

It actually kinda
makes it worse.

I know. Grab your gear.
We'll talk it out in the car.

No. Not going.

What do you mean
you're not going? Why?

I'm... I'm out. I'm done
with this whole thing.

The whole circuit. I'm done.

What do you mean done
with the circuit?

- Yeah. I am.
- Buddy, that's crazy talk.

Is it, Rich? I'm an actor.

Like, I went to acting
school for acting.

You know? And I haven't
acted in five plus years.

Why? Because I do
fan conventions now.

Oh, now I do that.

I go to these
things, I put on...

I dress like an asshole.

I sell outdated
pictures of myself.

I dance around like a monkey.

My career is over.
My dignity...

I've got no dignity, and
now I've got no wife.

Okay, TO. I hear
you. Marney's gone.

And, yes, your career
is in the shitter.

Okay, it's okay if I say it,
but, like, when you say it...

But no dignity?

Buddy, you played
God on network TV.

Until they killed me off!

That's the other thing.
Like, who kills off God?

How do... why do you do
that? He's omnipresent.

I'm sorry, your highness.

Are you not enjoying your
view from the penthouse?

I don't know...
what is this bit?

You have a fan base.

That fan base has gotten
you into fan conventions,

and those conventions allow
a-holes like you and me

to be treated like
the famous fuckers

we should have been
13 weekends a year.

That gives us 13 weekends
of fame fantasy camp

where we get car service.

That we have to share.

- Okay. Airfare.
- Coach.

Hotel bars littered
with women who love us.

Who are dressed
like our characters.

Okay, nothing makes
you happy, does it?

You're sad-sacking it right now.

Yeah. No, you're moping.

You're wallowing
in it just a bit.

- Okay.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- You know what, buddy?

I'm calling your bluff.

This whole mopey "I quit"
act, I'm not buying it.

I bet you dollars to doughnuts

you are half-dressed and
ready to rock and roll.

- Now, let's go.
- Just leave me alone.

- Come on.
- Aah!

- Oh!
- Rich!

- Aah!
- Damn it!

- Gah.
- Why would I be bluffing?

Oh, that's burned in.

Who wears the robe
as a joke? Asshole!

- Have you guys seen my wig?
- It's right here.

No, that's not my wig.

Oh, really?

- What?
- That's my wig.

Ah. Thought it
was a hand towel.

Did it match the
decor of the bathroom?

You know, I did think
it was an odd choice.

I also wondered to myself,
"Why is this in the bathroom?"

It's all wet.

Wow. Okay. Uh,
what's your problem?

You know what my problem is?

I'll tell you what
my problem is.

I'm wearing a powder
blue tuxedo and a wig.

Yeah, you are.
And you know what?

You're wearing the
fuck out of it.

Yeah. Put the headband
on. Put it on.

Yeah. Broheim. Yes.

I would tell you
no if it were no.

It's yes. You don't
have a mirror.

Let me be your mirror.
You fucking rock.

All right, everybody,
let's do this.

You actually have 15 minutes.

All right, uh,
15-minute warning, guys.

One-five. Oh. God.

What am I gonna
do for 15 minutes?

Let the wig dry on your head.

Form nicely.

Don't call me
"broheim." Ever again.

I can't hear you.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!


And then half the mortgage
is tax deductable,

so you can't afford not to buy.

Where'd you buy your house?

I don't know. Yet.

Look great in that
dress, sweet cheeks.

- Bye, Rob.
- Bye, Andre.

Matthew. We are killing
it out there, huh?

Yeah, you're killing me, buddy.

Listen, Robbie, when I'm
on stage and I'm killing it

and I'm trying to
get a line out,

if you could just
shut the fuck up

and stop talking over
everything I say, man.

Trying to build a
brand. Do you get it?

I want... I want trading cards.

I want action
figures. Something.

So if you could just
shut the fuck up.

Okay. You got it.

See you back... See
you back out there.

Whippany, New Jersey,
you people are animals!

Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt!

Hey, hey, miss me?

You wanna do karaoke
or see my abs?

Let's do 'em both!

What a complete cluster fuck.

What? You were
on fire up there.

You're the king.
King of karaoke.

No, more like the village
idiot of dorkville.

How does Matt do it?

Bicep? Don't you mean triceps?

Makes it look so easy.

And then DiCaprio asked me what
type of hair product I use.

Now, that is respect.

- He hates me.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

No, he hates me.

Hide the knives. Call
the suicide hotline.

We got a live one.

I'm nothing but nice to him.

- Yeah?
- Total dick to me.

Yeah, that's 'cause he's
a dick to everybody.

I was in Toronto
with that jackass.

I saw him tear a
volunteer a new poop chute

'cause she let his
lunch get cold.

- Well, that is annoying.
- They were cold cuts.

Hey, who do I have to
fuck to get a beer in here?

I just need to get a job.

- You know what you need?
- What?

Get your confidence back.
Boom. There, I said it.

Confidence. That's
what Matt's got.

Yes, plus youth, you know,
good looks, rock-hard abs.

You have a boner,
and it's annoying.

You're an asshole.

Listen, I'm trying to
make a serious point.

You and I happen to be
sitting in the middle

of a confidence-building
seminar right now.

And guess what? We're
the keynote speakers.

These people pay top
dollar to be in this hotel

to see you.

No. No. They pay top dollar
to see Justin and Jaden.

That may be so, but those
guys aren't lurking around

the hotel lobby
bar, now are they?

No, they're at a suite
in some other hotel.

I don't give a flying fuck.

I know you and I are
here. Gathering up rocks.

For what? What are we
gathering rocks for?

- Just go with me.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, I'll give you this.

There are some pretty
ladies in here.

Oh, you brought your
penis? That's cool.

There's some shorties
up in this mofo.

All right, let's
settle down, Eminem.

- Oh, look at 12:40.
- What?

- Shh. 12:40.
- Oh, fuck.

That's almost, uh, last call.

Excuse me. Yo,
ma'am, uh, dos mas?

- Hey.
- Gracias. What?

12:40. A good-looking
woman at 12:40.

Other... your other 12:40.

Christ, you're
dim. That's 12:55.

That's, like, 15 minutes ahead.

What noon are you talking about?

Straight ahead.

We're facing
different directions.

Ahead of me. Ahead of
me. Straight ahead of me.

Jesus Christ.

- Right?
- Oh.

All right, okay, that's it.

- Turn around.
- Why?

She'll see you. Turn around.

Isn't that the
point? She sees me.

She's filming me with her phone.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow. Wow, check
out her friend.

Her friend is cosplaying
your character.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Nicely done with the beard.

Yeah, she really got
all your gray right.

You gotta admire
that level of detail.

Just wait, just wait.

What? Listen, those
aren't just fans.

Those are super fans.

You wanna build confidence?

Confidence is sitting over
there at that four top

dressed as you.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi!

You guys enjoying
the con so far?

Oh, I love the enthusiasm.

Son of a bitch.

Sure you recognize
my buddy over there.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah!

That's right. There's
God at the bar.

Let's get him over here.

- Oh, my God.
- Ladies.

- Shh.
- Mind if I join you?

Oh, we're doing shots.

- Yes!
- Yeah, we are.



The fuck?