Kingdom (2007–2009): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

PETER: Hello, Ted.

Six purple crystal egg-sucking leech
woolly buggers, please.

- Sinkers or floaters?
- Ooh, sinkers.

Well, how are you tying them?

Probably use a loop knot, I should think.

That's not for round here.

Oh, no. Scotland.

I have pencilled myself
five days of unadulterated peace and quiet.

Just me and my rod.

PETER: Gloria, hold all calls. I'm going to pack.

(Electronic whirring)



What on earth... ?

Brian!

Right.

PETER: Where is he?

- Brian!
- Just a bit of fun, Peter.

Fun? No, no. It was a breach of civil liberties,
a breach of privacy

and a breach of my bedroom.

I had to learn how to use it on someone.

You've got knees.

PETER: I'm going on holiday... Good grief.
- Amazing, isn't it?

You must have a screen
for every member of the population.

Nine cameras in the high street, four in the park,
and those two for the racing and the cricket.

Do we really need this in Market Shipborough?

Tool of modern policing, Peter.



Market towns have crime too.

Oh, and by the way, don't leave your car
on the yellow lines outside the butcher's.

- I haven't.
- Last Tuesday.

You bought a pound of lamb mince,
ten ounces of skirt beef, and it came to ?7.50.

They're very good, these cameras.

(All groan)
- What's happened? Another wicket?

d BACH: Cello Suite No.1 (Prelude)

Mr Risden, you cannot use the camera.

- I am recording it for my wife who is unable...
- I am sorry, it is school policy.

- You are not allowed to use it. No cameras.
- You cannot be serious.

(Shouts) You cannot be serious!

(Snarls in frustration)

Hee-hee!

(Scottish accent) You know, I can almost smell
the breeze and the heather across the loch,

and the... log fire
and the peaty single malt whisky.

Mr Kingdom will see you now, Mrs Anderson,
when he's finished his Robert Burns impression.

Sorry to bother you, Mr Kingdom.
It's really very important.

Right. Do please come this way.

So... who owns these allotments?

The council. We haven't got long left.

They want to raze them to the ground,
put up houses.

I wasn't aware of there being a planning issue
at the moment.

They... they are in Market Shipborough,
these allotments?

No, in Stockport.

What, Stockport, Cheshire?

Yeah.

- You've come a long way for a lawyer.
- Well, we've fired three already.

See, all the local solicitors play golf
with the councillors.

And you couldn't find any in-between?

Well, you came very highly recommended.

You see, I was told that you're the sort of solicitor
that died out years ago.

Er... l'm not entirely sure that's a compliment,

- but I'd love to know who told you.
(Approaching footsteps)

Mum, what are you doing?

- Mum?
- Lyle, I'm in a meeting.

Without me?
- This is your mother? This is Mrs... Lyle?

So you go to him rather than me? What do
you think I spent all that time at college for?

- Perhaps, under the circumstances...
- I didn't want to bother you.

It didn't stop you turning up out of the blue
and making me sleep on the floor.

Erm... well, you've got lots to catch up on.
Lyle, I've made some notes.

Yeah. Right, again, Mum, from the beginning.

Mrs Anderson, it's been a great pleasure.

If you'll forgive me, I need to go and pack.

- But, Mr Kingdom, I...
- Mum!

Mr Risden here to see you. His daughter
goes to the same school as Scott.

- Quite a cellist.
- Is she? Does she?

Erm...

Welcome. Let's go in here, if we may.

- Banned?
- Indeed.

And when I objected
I was forcibly removed from the premises.

All I want to do is video my own child
practising for Young Musician of the Year.

It does seem a bit heavy-handed, I agree.

I mean, there is a child protection issue.

But Abigail is our child.

Look, work commitments mean
that only of us can go to the concerts.

My wife Jacqueline works really long hours.

And this video is just for family use?

Of course.

What kind of society is it where you're
not allowed to take a photo of your own child?

As far as I'm aware
there's no law that says you can't.

- Well, that's not what they said.
- Really?

Will you leave this with me, Mr Risden?

I'll make some preliminary enquiries, but I should
warn you that I'm going away for a while.

I guessed.

Have you hired a cleaner?

No.

Then, who's that weird woman
who keeps talking to me in a foreign language?

Well, Lyle's mother comes from Stockport, but...

Oh, no.

I didn't know, did I? I thought she gave me
a funny look when I asked her to strip the beds.

You should tell me these things.
If I had a proper job, this wouldn't happen.

Here. What do you think of this?

- What is it?
- It's my CV.

Is that it?

(Angry shouting)

What? I... I can't hear you.

Can you just? Look, what's going on?

I can't make out a word you're saying.
Just slow down and...

What?

When? You're kidding me.

They've sent in a bulldozer.

- Give it here.
- Oh, go on, then.

Right.

Lyle Anderson.

Put him on.

(Angry shouting)

Our lawyer.

Hello.

Now, you listen to me.

I work for Kingdom and Kingdom, one of the top
agricultural lawyers in the whole of Norfolk.

If you so much as crush a blade of grass
without going through the correct procedure,

we will sue you for criminal damage.

Now, put that thing of yours into reverse
until I speak to the council.

What?

Nothing.

(Bell rings)
HEAD TEACHER: It's simple.

We have a basic duty
to act in the child's best interests.

I assume you have photos
of your own children at home.

Peter, are you actually going to make a point?
I've got double Latin.

Yes, and I've got a date with a woolly bugger
on a Scottish loch.

Look, some parents simply can't attend
these concerts and sports days and the like.

Surely they deserve a record
of their children's performances.

Other children are on stage at the same time.
It's their rights that are being protected.

Their rights to what exactly?

Privacy.

They're on stage in a concert
in front of hundreds of parents.

- Where's the privacy in that?
- Peter, it's the law.

- The Data Protection Act...
- No, it isn't the law.

The Data Protection Act does not apply
to parents making videos for their own use.

Look, it's policy.

I am head of this school.

I have to draw a line.
The images could fall into the wrong hands.

Oh, so you are presuming that all parents
are guilty of an unspeakable misdemeanour

until proven innocent.

If you're unhappy,
take it up with the Local Education Authority.

Don't worry. I will.

Oh, I see.
You can record images, but the parents can't.

Will you please stop telling me
how to do my job?

- Merely an observation.
(Bell rings)

Enjoy double Latin.

Gosh, I wish I was going too.

De minimis non curat lex.

This country used to be
a champion of civil liberties.

When did we become so scared?
So paranoid? So frightened?

I tell you, I'll be glad to get out into the wilds.

Peter... I have to go up there.

I'm supposed to be going on holiday.

I know and I'm really sorry.

A quick overnight visit, sort everything out.
Back in 24 hours.

The allotments are at the heart of the community.

They tried to send in a digger.
If it wasn't for Lyle, they'd have flattened the site.

I don't know when I'll be back.

(Phone rings)
- School want to suspend Scott.

Can't someone else? Yes?

Yes, she is. One moment.

- If it's the council, tell them we're on our way.
- It's the police.

Which one?

Both. Callum and Finlay.

Though it's pretty difficult
to tell which one's which.

- I'm...
...Callum.

- And I'm...
...Finlay.

What' s up?

(Sighs) It's your brothers. The twins.

They've been arrested.

Lyle, catch!

Slow down, Mum! Slow down!

MR RISDEN: I'm going to sue for defamation,
Mr Kingdom. They think I'm a paedophile.

Honestly, that's not what they told me.

That's the inference. I can't be trusted
to take pictures of my daughter...

- I mean... how dare they?
- I made the exact same point.

What will happen when I represent the school
in Young Musician of the Year?

- Ooh. Well, erm...
- There will be all sorts of regional heats first.

It's, OK. Dad'll be there.

Can't you get time off?
Say you're sick, or something?

Sometimes things aren't that simple for adults.

I've made an appointment
with the Local Authority.

I thought you were going away.

Ha-ha! So did I.

(Distant sirens)

(Low conversation)

(Phone rings)

Would you mind doing it?

- Excuse me.
- Can I help?

You're holding Callum and Finlay Anderson.

Not any more. We've released 'em on bail.
And you are?

- Erm...
- Me?

Their solicitor.

And?

And their brother... and this is their mother,
and my mother.

All right. Well, we're seeking an interim
anti-social behavioural order on them.

- What's that?
- An ASBO!

- On what grounds?
- Gardening without due care and attention.

And the high-speed car chases that followed.

Yeah.

(Gulls cry)

Oh. Special occasion, Mr Snell,
or are you planning a robbery?

It's a plunge into the unknown, Mr Kingdom.

I'm all sweaty, with the fret and the worry.

Anything I can help you with?

No, sir. Some things,
a man's got to do on his own.

(Sniffs)

CROWD:
Hands off! Save our land! Save our land!

- Hands off! Hands off! Save our land!
- All right. Come on.

- Get out of it! Out my way!
- Save our land! Hands off!

MAN: Come on, get out of here!

- Get out of it!
- We'll start there.

Get off! Hands off! Hands off!

(Chanting continues)

Get out of it!

- Right. We'll start on the south section.
- No, no, no, no.

These allotments, they're the heart of
the community. They bring everyone together.

They share recipes and vegetables.
They help each other.

We're a council,
not a Delia Smith support group.

We've offered them an alternative site.

Well, go on, lad. Keep at it.

Hands off! Hands off! Save our land!

(Rock music through headphones)

(Door opens)

Don't talk to him.
He's disgraced himself on the school CCTV.

Suspended for breaking into a locker.

So...

CCTV, eh, Scott?

Join the club.

Miss Cartwright, I know this is done in the name
of protection, but it's a draconian overreaction.

I mean... the school posts photos
of its pupils on its website

and most children are posting images
of themselves online anyway,

so what have you or the council
got against parents?

Nothing.

But we live in a digital age.

Images are made, they're recorded, they're
halfway round the world in a nanosecond.

School isn't trying to persecute anyone.

It just wants to be responsible
for the children in its care.

Can you imagine... a child
who's been removed from a violent parent,

accidentally broadcasting their whereabouts?
Lt'd be a disaster.

The Data Protection Act doesn't ban parents
from taking photos of their own children.

I'm well aware of the law, Peter.

As the Local Authority,
we merely offer guidelines.

The school sets their own policy.

I'm not empowered to make them change it.

BEATRICE: Nigel.

I'm so glad you could come.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Good. Then we'll begin.

I just can't get the thoughts out of my head,
Nigel.

Whatever I do, you are always on my mind.

- I need some fresh air.
- (Sighs)

- Good lord, Nigel. Are you all right?
- No.

Definitely not.

I don't understand women.

Ah, well, yes, that's perfectly understandable.

But, as a marriage guidance counsellor
at the later stages of my training,

I should be seeing both points of view,
but I'm not.

I've got an exam coming up.

Feminine points of view in the modern age.

(Snorts)
BEATRICE: Oh, come on, Nigel.

Stop being such a big girl and get back in here.

Beatrice has kindly agreed to help me
with my revision.

She's taking it very seriously.

(Thudding drum and bass)

(Dog barks in distance)

Oi! Your tea's ready, love.

And mind my windows.

(Clattering)

What do you think?

Too dry. More water.

Oh, no, really. I'm broad-beaned out.

Well, what about courgette gratin?

- It's green, yellow, and globe.
- Mum, I really couldn't.

- Go on. Just a bit.
(Squealing tyres approach)

(Groans) They're back.

Now, listen, don't be too hard on them.

- I know it's my fault...
- No, I'm not saying that it's your fault,

just that they've got too much freedom.

It's them that are going out and doing it
and getting arrested.

What is guerrilla gardening, anyway?

They plant flowers on neglected urban land.

(Twins laugh)
- Oh, hello, loves.

BOTH: All right, Mum?
- I've cooked your favourite.

Well, a visitor from the planet Suit.

- How are you?
- He speaks.

Mum, got you some wicked Swiss chard.

Oh, thanks, love.

Come and finish your tea.

(Beeping from refuse lorry)

(Dance music)

Right. We need to talk.

What are you doing?

- Seed bombs.
- Mixed with compost...

...flower seeds...
...and water to bind it.

There's some disused land
we're gonna give the meadow treatment to.

They're giving you an ASBO.

We grew beetroot outside of Woolworth's once.
It was beautiful.

It's criminal damage.

The music in your car is too loud. For possessing
a trowel, you can be done for going equipped.

- Lyle, you worry too much.
- Too muchly much.

BOTH: Chill.

- More mixing.
- All right.

BEATRICE: Now concentrate, Nigel.

(Nigel clears throat)

My husband would never forgive me
if he found out.

But you don't have a husband.

You want your husband to find out, don't you?

You want his attention.

Now you're definitely getting somewhere, Nigel.

I'm gonna get you through this exam
if it's the last thing I do.

You couldn't do that crossy-leg thing again,
could you?

See, I'm a lawyer. I can challenge the law,
but school policy is a whole other minefield.

I'm afraid there's nothing we can do.

I think we have to accept it and move on.

It's harder than you think.

She's the ray of sunshine in our lives.

My business folded. We owe everyone money.

We're behind with the mortgage.

It's only Jacqueline's jobs
that keep the wolf from the door.

That's why I can never get to the school,
Mr Kingdom.

We'd be bankrupt if my wife didn't work.

And I'm doing double shifts at the Harbour Cafe.
It's 24/7.

Abigail is the only thing that makes me think
that I'm not a complete failure.

(Drum and bass)

Let 'em have it.

Wahey! Come on!

- Come on! Let 'em have it.
- Let's have it.

- Rose rage!
- Wahey!

- Plant these in your foundations.
MAN: Hang on!

Take that!

MAN: Get out of here, will you!
- Wahey! Whoo!

I'm ashamed of you both.
I don't know what your father would say.

When are you gonna realise
that this is serious, eh?

And if you're so worried about the environment,
what are you doing driving this monstrosity?

It runs on chip fat.

We converted it. Get in.

- So, college boy, what's your plan?
MUM: You've got to find a way to stop them.

The council have done everything by the book.
They've offered you an alternative site.

- It's totally unsuitable.
- What are you doing now?

Poppy seeds mixed with liquid fertiliser.

- Our favourite.
- Will you stop it? They've given you an ASBO.

LYLE: You're gonna get us all arrested again.
- Fill your boots, Mr Suit.

(Footsteps)

You wanted to see me.

I'm grounded.
I need a go-between in negotiations.

It's my understanding
that you were more or less caught red-handed.

Wrong. The camera only had a partial view.
They interpreted what they thought I was doing.

Did you open that locker?

Yes.

Did I steal anything? No.

I was delivering a letter to the owner
of the locker. She knew it was coming.

She?

Yeah, a girl. Abbey.

I mean,
what gives them the right to spy on us anyway?

- Did they ask my permission?
- Not...

Not Abigail Risden, by any chance?

Great. I'm spied on at school.
I'm spied on in the streets.

- Why don't I invite the world to come and look?
- Believe it or not, Scott, I am on your side, I...

(Door slams)

Your dad loved it here.

I know.

Mmm.

I've lost control of them, Lyle.

They haven't listened to me since your dad died.

(Sniffs)

MAN: Watch out.

(Electronic whirring)

Post.

So...

What? No.

No!

What the?

You were parked illegally.
You get caught on camera, you get a fine.

I was not parked. I wasn't even waiting.
I was unloading.

The engine was running and continued to do so.

Can you show me, if you can,
where are the "No loading" signs?

Peter.

This is legal principle, Brian.
We don't live in a police state. Yet.

What on earth's?

There's a hoodie climbing camera three.

- Urgh!
(Peter laughs)

- Scott, get down from there.
- Peter Kingdom.

I can't believe you, Peter.
I suppose you advised them to do this.

To do what?

What do you think you're playing at, eh?

HEAD: This petty act of vindictiveness.

The Risdens have removed Abigail
from Young Musician of the Year.

Oh!

- You licked my CCTV camera.
- You pointed it at me.

- I was informed you were acting suspiciously.
- With six doughnuts?

- Scott.
- It's true.

- I think what Scott is trying to say...
- It's this, isn't it? You see this, you think crime.

That's what these cameras are for.

You're all frightening the boys my age.
Go on, then. Charge me.

- Scott, there's no need for this.
- You're fired, Peter. I'll defend myself.

Take me to court, and I'll bring in every other
15-year-old you've spied on to give evidence.

You know, I think you encourage him.
15, and he thinks he's a barrack room lawyer.

- Oh, he'll be fine. He's just kicking out.
- It's all right for you, you're not his mother.

Don't worry. She only shouts at people she likes.

(Gloria groans)

It's Abbey. She's really upset.

She wonders if she can see you.

Doesn't look too bad.

MAN: You're joking!
(Disgruntled muttering)

- It's miles away.
- It'll take years to get this soil into shape.

How are they all gonna get here?
There's no buses, Lyle.

- This is not an alternative.
- This just helps them to destroy us.

I hear what you're saying. I'm on your side.

You should have brought that Kingdom bloke,
like you promised.

Callum!

- Lyle, I...
- At least I keep on the right side of the law,

unlike the... Alan Titchmarsh twins.

Look...

It's been hard for me, since your dad died.

I mean, he was the check and balance
when you were growing up.

You are what you are because of him.

Yeah.

And they're what they are because of me.

But no-one's listening to me.
No-one's asking me what I want.

I know it seems extreme, but your parents
just want the right to enjoy you growing up

- and to witness your achievements.
- Then why stop me achieving anything?

Well, you're the only weapon they have.

I just wanna play my cello.
I don't care who takes a stupid photograph.

I'll talk to them.

I'm fed up of being pushed around,
being a victim of everyone else's decision.

What have we done wrong? I took a camera
into school to record something happy...

Andrew, I understand your anger at the world

and the storm clouds
that have gathered around you.

- You say she's your ray of sunshine.
(Cello playing)

Well, let her shine.

- I can go back to the school. I can go back to...
- We'll face our own problems, thank you.

- Andrew...
- Abigail, stop practising. I said you're not going!

(Beeps)

(Ringing tone)

PETER: Lyle, I'm not sure I can come up.

I'm not the man who can mend families.

It's me who needs mending.

- (Sniffs)
- I really... really need you.

Please.

- Oh, excuse me.
- You what?

I wonder if you could tell me where I am.

I think I went through Marple.

But erm... is this Hazel Grove?
I need to get to Stockport.

- That way.
- Thanks.

I said we should put you in a hotel,
but Mum wouldn't hear of it.

Neither would I. Nothing beats
the warm embrace of a family home. Ah!

The Anderson brothers.

- What a pleasure to meet you.
BOTH: All right?

Welcome.

Right. Thank you.

Sorry about the length of the bed.

What with working down the mines,
we don't all grow as tall as you.

Sidney.

Peter and Lyle have had to go up north.

Oh, yeah. I know.

It's... it's actually you I wanted to see.

Alone.

Nothing bad, is it?

(Thunder rumbles)

Why do you think they don't let doctors
minister to their own families?

Because they're emotionally involved
and it's the same with lawyers.

You could deal with this case
standing on your head,

but throw in the landscape of your youth,
the genetic co-dependence of your family,

the subtext of sibling rivalry,
and Bob's your uncle.

Or your auntie.

Or your brother and father,
depending on the kind of family you come from.

So I should concentrate on the issues?

I know what it's like to come from a family where
you feel different from your siblings, but yes.

You have to fight the disease, not the patient.

So think afresh. Broaden your horizons.

What is an allotment?

Local amenity.

- Open space.
- Good. Put them together...

Planning Policy Guidance 17.

Open space amenities need to be
where they are required.

Good old PPG17.

Now, then,
I don't think you're taking into account PPG17.

Open spaces underpin people's quality of life.

These allotments help
the health and wellbeing of all the residents.

Nice try, son, but it's a bit too late for that.

We have given you the required notice.

- They haven't?
- I didn't know what it was.

When?

- They have to give you a year.
- Last September.

11 months ago! Why didn't you do anything?

Well, we hoped they'd go off the idea.

Are you mad? You've given us a month.

- And?
- I don't like it.

No, Nigel, you love it.

But you asked my opinion.

No, I asked if you liked it. If I wanted your honest
opinion, I would have asked. Let's try it again.

I bought this yesterday. What do you think?

It's... nice?

No.

You really like it.

It's gorgeous.

It really suits you.

That is excellent, Nigel.

PETER: So what exactly is guerrilla gardening?

Down there,
we planted Delphinium Ajacis on that plot.

Larkspur to you and me.

And northern native, the Primula Farinosa.

To attract the bees in the spring.

- Adds a splash of colour to the grey world.
- Doesn't it, Mr Kingdom?

They redevelop the land so quickly, often what
we've planted doesn't get chance to establish.

We had high hopes
for a few of the snapdragons,

but they built all these warehouses.

And you wouldn't mind having criminal records?

Presumably, you want to go to college?

What do you think they'll say
when they see you've got a pair of ASBOs?

- College is Lyle's thing.
- Is it?

(Mobile rings)
- Sorry.

Peter Kingdom.

Peter? Abigail Risden's gone missing.

Her parents think she's run away.

What?

(Low conversation)
- I thought I'd find you here.

I've got to get back to Norfolk,
see if I can help find Abigail Risden.

You'll have to finish here on your own.

BRIAN: So the last time you saw her was when?

This morning, by the seafront.

Did she tell you she was going to do this?

No.

We had a row. We broke up.

Brian, camera four picked her up yesterday
down at the harbour.

The tide's strong down there.

Please God she didn't do anything stupid.

Right, we have her on the camera
until early afternoon.

- Then she just vanishes?
- But we think we know how and why.

- I should have listened.
- This is no time for blaming.

You did what you thought was right. Come on.

MR RISDEN: Abigail?
PETER: Abigail?

- Abigail?
- Abbey?

Ab?

- Abigail?
- Abigail?

- Abigail?
- Abbey?

Abbey?

- Abigail?
- Abigail?

POLICE RADIO: We've found it.
She was climbing into a boat with a blue cover.

You're gonna have to guide me to it.
Which one is it? Over.

POLICE RADIO: Right in front of you, sir.

- Is this the one? Over.
POLICE RADIO: Roger.

She's here. Abigail!

- Oh, Abigail!
- Abbey!

- Thank God you're safe.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

MR RISDEN: I really am sorry.

I can't see any use for CCTV personally.

Where are you going and what's that?

Cypripedium Calcelous.

A native species.

It used to be widespread in the north.

I don't care what it's called or where it's from.
It's theft.

We can't do this.

We plant it and say we found it here.

- It's a protected species.
- Yeah, but that's not true.

We'll just take it back to the botanical gardens.

- So what do you suggest...
...Lyle?

Isn't that plant you're holding
a bit like one of them?

BOTH: Bloody hell!

What do we call it
when a woman collects things whilst pregnant?

Hoarding. No, nesting.

OK, I'm pregnant, my hormones are more up
and down than a day out at Alton Towers.

- What advice do you give?
- Never argue with a pregnant woman.

- I think you might be there, Nigel.
- Wish me luck.

Remember, this is your moment.

Everything we've worked for. You can do this.
Think like a woman. Be like a woman.

And, remember, a man's place... is in the wrong.

I'm sure, if we came up with a suitable proposal,
the Risdens would bend over backwards

- to have Abigail represent the school.
- I hope so. I really do.

It's just such a tricky situation.
I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

Which is why the school hires a professional
to film its own performances.

Yes, a professional
who isn't subject to CRP checks.

And who charges ?19.99 for every DVD.

So your children aren't protected
and you're alienating the parents.

Why not... entrust the filming of all performances
to the people who care most about the children?

Their mums and dads.

Organise a small group of CRB-checked parents
to work on a voluntary basis.

That way, the whole process will be affordable,
inclusive and safe.

I'd be happy to advise and help set it all up.

And er...

While I'm here, I couldn't have a word
about Scott Millington, could I?

Ah.

Lady's slipper orchid?

It's a European-protected species.

All over the boundaries of these allotments.

This is a valuable ecological site,
so you can't build here.

- (Laughter)
- Well done.

Well done.

(Cheering)

(Laughter)

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Let's fill this up.
- (Laughter)

Passed... with distinction!

We did it! (Squeals)

(Chatter)

Lads. I tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

I'll represent you at your ASBO hearing,
if you promise to stay out of trouble.

BOTH: Deal.

Cheers!

- Cheers, Mum.
- Cheers, loves.

Did you know that, out of your 575 paperclips,
132 of them are red?

I see you've been busy.

(Knock on door)
- Come.

Nigel.

I've... brought you a small thank-you present.

Nigel.

They're wonderful. Thank you.

- You don't like them.
- No, I really, really like them.

- What should I have got you?
- Nigel, I really, really, really like them.

- I can always take them back.
- Nigel, I mean it!

Peter, your sister is brilliant. I would never
have passed that exam without her.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm impressed, Bea.

- Do you think I could put this on my CV?
- I don't see why not.

Personal assistant to the managing director
of Nigel Pearson Associates.

How much do you think I should say I get paid?

- You can't make things like this up, you know.
- Course you can. Everybody does.

I'll be wearing a suit before you know it.
No, actually a uniform.

Not white. Don't like white.
Something with pleats. Mm.

You'd better get a shift on,
or you'll be suspended again for being late.

Thanks, Peter.

All I did was tell them what you'd been up to.

Now the school will know
I was going out with Abigail.

That's just another fence
you're gonna have to mend.

Funny. Won't be long
before he's off out there on his own.

Don't. Then who will I mother?

(Door opens)

- Have you missed me?
- Oh, yes!

Good to have you back.

Are you lot ready yet?

Didn't you tell 'em?

Tell them what?

Oh, Sidney, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot.
He was up north.

Sidney's invited all of us to his wedding.

Mr Kingdom, I'm getting married.

d BACH: Cello Suite No.1 (Prelude)

(Music continues)

...least bit nervous.
- Thank you very much.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mr Kingdom.

You look nice.

- You look lovely.
- Thank you.

- Yes, thank you.
- They've been brilliant.

(Chatter continues)

OK, everyone,
can we have a little bit of peace and quiet now?

(Bleeping, coins clatter)
- Dempsey, will you get off that fruit machine?

Now, Lindy, you come down here. That's it.

Do you, Sidney George Snell,

take Lindy Karen Prentice
to be your lawful wedded wife?

(Clears throat) I do.

And do you, Lindy Karen Prentice,

take Sidney George Snell
to be your lawful wedded husband?

- She does.
- How do we know?

- Well, she gave me the look.
- Lindy needs to say so.

Oh. (Whispers)

(Whispers)

By the power vested in me,

by Market Shipborough District Council
Marriages and Births Department,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- (Cheering)
- Congratulations.

That is so welcome. Thank you.

- I must say, Mr Snell seems so happy.
- Yes, he does.

I don't think I've had a chance
to speak to Mrs Snell yet.

I don't think she's ever spoken to anyone.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine. Ooh!

Are you all right?

- You all right?
- I need a breath of air.

BEATRICE: Peter!

(Applause)